No More Learning

For when a certain
Person, taking Notice of his abstaining from Wine, said to him, that
Wine would be very cheap, if all Men drank as he did; nay, says he, in
my Opinion it would be very dear, if all Men drank it as I drink; for I
drink as much as I please.

_Ge. _ I wish our _John Botzemus_, the Canon of _Constance_, was here;
he'd look like another _Romulus_ to us: For he is as abstemious, as he
is reported to have been; but nevertheless, he is a good-humoured,
facetious Companion.

_Po. _ But come on, if you can, I won't say _drink and blow_, which
_Plautus_ says is a hard Matter to do, but if you can eat and hear at
one and the same Time, which is a very easy Matter, I'll begin the
Exercise of telling Stories, and auspiciously. If the Story be not a
pleasant one, remember 'tis a _Dutch_ one. I suppose some of you have
heard of the Name of _Maccus_?

_Ge. _ Yes, he has not been dead long.

_Po. _ He coming once to the City of _Leiden_, and being a Stranger
there, had a Mind to make himself taken Notice of for an arch Trick (for
that was his Humour); he goes into a Shoemaker's Shop, and salutes him.
The Shoemaker, desirous to sell his Ware, asks him what he would buy:
_Maccus_ setting his Eyes upon a Pair of Boots that hung up there, the
Shoemaker ask'd him if he'd buy any Boots; _Maccus_ assenting to it, he
looks out a Pair that would fit him, and when he had found 'em brings
'em out very readily, and, as the usual Way is, draws 'em on. _Maccus_
being very well fitted with a Pair of Boots, How well, says he, would a
Pair of double soal'd Shoes agree with these Boots? The Shoemaker asks
him, if he would have a Pair of Shoes too. He assents, a Pair is look'd
out presently and put on. _Maccus_ commends the Boots, commends the
Shoes. The Shoemaker glad in his Mind to hear him talk so, seconds him
as he commended 'em, hoping to get a better Price, since the Customer
lik'd his Goods so well. And by this Time they were grown a little
familiar; then says _Maccus_, Tell me upon your Word, whether it never
was your Hap, when you had fitted a Man with Boots and Shoes, as you
have me, to have him go away without paying for 'em? No, never in all my
Life, says he. But, says _Maccus_, if such a Thing should happen to you,
what would you do in the Case? Why, quoth the Shoemaker, I'd run after
him. Then says _Maccus_, but are you in Jest or in Earnest? In Earnest,
says the other, and I'd do it in Earnest too. Says _Maccus_, I'll try
whether you will or no. See I run for the Shoes, and you're to follow
me, and out he runs in a Minute; the Shoemaker follows him immediately
as fast as ever he could run, crying out, Stop Thief, stop Thief; this
Noise brings the People out of their Houses: _Maccus_ laughing, hinders
them from laying Hold of him by this Device, Don't stop me, says he, we
are running a Race for a Wager of a Pot of Ale; and so they all stood
still and look'd on, thinking the Shoemaker had craftily made that
Out-cry that he might have the Opportunity to get before him. At last
the Shoemaker, being tir'd with running, gives out, and goes sweating,
puffing and blowing Home again: So _Maccus_ got the Prize.

_Ge. _ _Maccus_ indeed escap'd the Shoemaker, but did not escape the
Thief.

_Po. _ Why so?

_Ge. _ Because he carried the Thief along with him.

_Po. _ Perhaps he might not have Money at that Time, but paid for 'em
afterwards.

_Ge. _ He might have indicted him for a Robbery.

_Po. _ That was attempted afterwards, but now the Magistrates knew
_Maccus_.

_Ge. _ What did _Maccus_ say for himself?

_Po. _ Do you ask what he said for himself, in so good a Cause as this?
The Plaintiff was in more Danger than the Defendant.

_Ge. _ How so?

_Po. _ Because he arrested him in an Action of Defamation, and prosecuted
him upon the Statute of _Rheims_ which says, that he that charges a Man
with what he can't prove, shall suffer the Penalty, which the Defendant
was to suffer if he had been convicted. He deny'd that he had meddled
with another Man's Goods without his Leave, but that he put 'em upon
him, and that there was no Mention made of any Thing of a Price; but
that he challeng'd the Shoemaker to run for a Wager, and that he
accepted the Challenge, and that he had no Reason to complain because he
had out-run him.

_Ge. _ This Action was pretty much like that of the Shadow of the Ass.
Well, but what then?

_Po. _ When they had had laughing enough at the Matter, one of the Judges
invites _Maccus_ to Supper, and paid the Shoemaker his Money. Just such
another Thing happen'd at _Daventerv_, when I was a Boy. It was at a
Time when 'tis the Fishmonger's Fair, and the Butchers Time to be
starv'd. A certain Man stood at a Fruiterer's Stall, or Oporopolist's,
if you'd have it in _Greek_. The Woman was a very fat Woman, and he
star'd very hard upon the Ware she had to sell. She, according as the
Custom is, invites him to have what he had a Mind to; and perceiving he
set his Eyes upon some Figs, Would you please to have Figs, says she?
they are very fine ones. He gives her a Nod. She asks him how many
Pound, Would you have five Pound says she? He nods again; she turns him
five Pound into his Apron. While she is laying by her Scales, he walks
off, not in any great haste, but very gravely. When she comes out to
take her Money, her Chap was gone; she follows him, making more Noise
than Haste after him. He, taking no Notice, goes on; at last a great
many getting together at the Woman's Out-cry, he stands still, pleads
his Cause in the midst of the Multitude: there was very good Sport, he
denies that he bought any Figs of her, but that she gave 'em him freely;
if she had a Mind to have a Trial for it, he would put in an Appearance.

_Ge. _ Well, I'll tell you a Story not much unlike yours, nor perhaps not
much inferior to it, saving it has not so celebrated an Author as
_Maccus_. _Pythagoras_ divided the Market into three Sorts of Persons,
those that went thither to sell, those that went thither to buy; both
these Sorts were a careful Sort of People, and therefore unhappy: others
came to see what was there to be sold, and what was done; these only
were the happy People, because being free from Care, they took their
Pleasure freely. And this he said was the Manner that a Philosopher
convers'd in this World, as they do in a Market. But there is a fourth
Kind of Persons that walk about in our Markets, who neither buy nor
sell, nor are idle Spectators of what others do, but lie upon the Catch
to steal what they can. And of this last Sort there are some that are
wonderful dextrous. You would swear they were born under a lucky Planet.
Our Entertainer gave us a Tale with an Epilogue, I'll give you one with
a Prologue to it. Now you shall hear what happen'd lately at _Antwerp_.
An old Priest had receiv'd there a pretty handsome Sum of Money, but it
was in Silver. A Sharper has his Eye upon him; he goes to the Priest,
who had put his Money in a large Bag in his Cassock, where it boug'd
out; he salutes him very civilly, and tells him that he had Orders to
buy a Surplice, which is the chief Vestment us'd in performing Divine
Service, for the Priest of his Parish; he intreats him to lend him a
little Assistance in this Matter, and to go with him to those that sell
such Attire, that he might fit one according to his Size, because he was
much about the same Stature with the Parson of his Parish. This being
but a small Kindness, the old Priest promises to do it very readily.
They go to a certain Shop, a Surplice is shew'd 'em, the old Priest
puts it on, the Seller says, it fits him as exactly as if made for him;
the Sharper viewing the old Priest before and behind, likes the Surplice
very well, but only found Fault that it was too short before. The
Seller, lest he should lose his Customer, says, that was not the Fault
of the Surplice, but that the Bag of Money that stuck out, made it look
shorter there. To be short, the old Priest lays his Bag down; then they
view it over again, and while the old Priest stands with his Back
towards it, the Sharper catches it up, and runs away as fast as he
could: The Priest runs after him in the Surplice as he was, and the
Shop-Keeper after the Priest; the old Priest cries out, Stop Thief; the
Salesman cries out, Stop the Priest; the Sharper cries out, Stop the mad
Priest; and they took him to be mad, when they saw him run in the open
Street in such a Dress: so one hindring the other, the Sharper gets
clear off.

_Eut. _ Hanging is too good for such a Rogue.

_Ge. _ It is so, if he be not hang'd already.

_Eut. _ I would not have him hang'd only, but all those that encourage
such monstrous Rogues to the Damage of the State.

_Ge. _ They don't encourage 'em for nothing; there's a fellow Feeling
between 'em from the lowest to the highest.

_Eut. _ Well, but let us return to our Stories again.

_Ast. _ It comes to your Turn now, if it be meet to oblige a King to keep
his Turn.

_Eut. _ I won't need to be forc'd to keep my Turn, I'll keep it
voluntarily; I should be a Tyrant and not a King, if I refus'd to comply
with those Laws I prescribe to others.

_Ast. _ But some Folks say, that a Prince is above the Law.

_Eut. _ That saying is not altogether false, if by Prince you mean that
great Prince who was call'd _Cæsar_; and then, if by being above the
Law, you mean, that whereas others do in some Measure keep the Laws by
Constraint, he of his own Inclination more exactly observes them. For a
good Prince is that to the Body Politick, which the Mind is to the Body
Natural. What Need was there to have said a good Prince, when a bad
Prince is no Prince? As an unclean Spirit that possesses the human Body,
is not the Soul of that Body. But to return to my Story; and I think
that as I am King, it becomes me to tell a kingly Story. _Lewis_ King of
_France_ the Eleventh of that Name, when his Affairs were disturb'd at
Home, took a Journey to _Burgundy_; and there upon the Occasion of a
Hunting, contracted a Familiarity with one _Conon_, a Country Farmer,
but a plain downright honest Man; and Kings delight in the Conversation
of such Men. The King, when he went a hunting, us'd often to go to his
House; and as great Princes do sometimes delight themselves with mean
Matters, he us'd to be mightily pleas'd in eating of his Turnips. Not
long after, _Lewis_ having settled his Affairs, obtain'd the Government
of the _French_ Nation; _Conon_'s Wife puts him upon remembring the King
of his old Entertainment at their House, bids him go to him, and make
him a Present of some rare Turnips. _Conon_ at first would not hear of
it, saying he should lose his Labour, for that Princes took no Notice of
such small Matters; but his Wife over-persuaded him. _Conon_ picks out a
Parcel of choice Turnips, and gets ready for his Journey; but growing
hungry by the Way, eats 'em all up but one very large one. When _Conon_
had got Admission into the Hall that the King was to pass thro', the
King knew him presently, and sent for him; and he with a great Deal of
Chearfulness offers his Present, and the King with as much Readiness of
Mind receives it, commanding one that stood near him to lay it up very
carefully among his greatest Rarities. He commands _Conon_ to dine with
him, and after Dinner thanks him; and _Conon_ being desirous to go back
into his own Country, the King orders him 1000 Crowns for his Turnip.
When the Report of this Thing, as it is common, was spread abroad thro'
the King's Houshold-Servants, one of the Courtiers presents the King
with a very fine Horse; the King knowing that it was his Liberality to
_Conon_ that had put him upon this, he hoping to make a great Advantage
by it, he accepted it with a great Deal of Pleasure, and calling a
Council of his Nobles, began to debate, with what Present he should make
a Recompence for so fine and valuable a Horse. In the mean Time the
Giver of the Horse began to be flushed with Expectation, thinking thus
with himself; If he made such a Recompence for a poor Turnip offer'd him
by a Country Farmer, how much more magnificently will he requite the
Present of so fine a Horse by a Courtier? When one answer'd one Thing,
and another another to the King that was consulting about it, as a
Matter of great Moment, and the designing Courtier had been for a long
Time kept in Fools Paradise; At Length, says the King, it's just now
come into my Mind what Return to make him, and calling one of his
Noblemen to him, whispers him in the Ear, bids him go fetch him what he
found in his Bedchamber (telling him the Place where it lay) choicely
wrap'd up in Silk; the Turnip is brought, and the King with his own Hand
gives it the Courtier, wrap'd up as it was, saying that he thought he
had richly requited the Present of the Horse by so choice a Rarity, as
had cost him 1000 Crowns. The Courtier going away, and taking off the
Covering, did not find a _Coal instead of a Treasure_, according to the
old Proverb, but a dry Turnip: and so the Biter was bitten, and soundly
laugh'd at by every Body into the Bargain.

_As. _ But, Mr. King, if you'll please to permit me, who am but a
Peasant, to speak of regal Matters, I'll tell you something that comes
into my Mind, by hearing your Story, concerning the same _Lewis_. For as
one Link of a Chain draws on another, so one Story draws on another. A
certain Servant seeing a Louse crawling upon the King's Coat, falling
upon his Knees and lifting up his Hand, gives Notice, that he had a Mind
to do some Sort of Service; _Lewis_ offering himself to him, he takes
off the Louse, and threw it away privately; the King asks him what it
was; he seem'd ashamed to tell him, but the King urging him, he
confess'd it was a Louse: That's a very good Sign, says he, for it shews
me to be a Man, because this Sort of Vermin particularly haunts Mankind,
especially while they are young; and order'd him a Present of 40 Crowns
for his good Service. Some Time after, another Person (who had seen how
well he came off that had perform'd so small a Service) not considering
that there is a great Difference between doing a Thing sincerely, and
doing it craftily, approached the King with the like Gesture; and he
offering himself to him, he made a Shew of taking something off his
Garment, which he presently threw away. But when the King was urgent
upon him, seeming unwilling to tell what it was, mimicking Abundance of
Modesty, he at last told him it was a Flea; the King perceiving the
Fraud, says to him, What do you make a Dog of me? and orders him to be
taken away, and instead of 40 Crowns orders him 40 Stripes.

_Phily. _ I hear it's no good jesting with Kings; for as Lions will
sometimes stand still to be stroaked, are Lions again when they please,
and kill their Play-Fellow; just so Princes play with Men. But I'll tell
you a Story not much unlike yours: not to go off from _Lewis_, who us'd
to take a Pleasure in tricking Tricksters. He had receiv'd a Present of
ten thousand Crowns from some Place, and as often as the Courtiers know
the King has gotten any fresh Money, all the Officers are presently upon
the Hunt to catch some Part of it; this _Lewis_ knew very well, this
Money being pour'd out upon a Table, he, to raise all their
Expectations, thus bespeaks them; What say you, am not I a very rich
King? Where shall I bestow all this Money? It was presented to me, and I
think it is meet I should make Presents of it again. Where are all my
Friends, to whom I am indebted for their good Services? Now let 'em come
before this Money's gone. At that Word a great many came running; every
Body hop'd to get some of it. The King taking Notice of one that look'd
very wishfully upon it, and as if he would devour it with his Eyes,
turning to him, says, Well, Friend, what have you to say? He inform'd
the King, that he had for a long Time very faithfully kept the King's
Hawks, and been at a great Expence thereby. One told him one Thing,
another another, every one setting out his Service to the best
Advantage, and ever and anon lying into the Bargain. The King heard 'em
all very patiently, and approv'd of what they said. This Consultation
held a long Time, that he might teaze them the more, by keeping them
betwixt Hope and Despair. Among the rest stood the Great Chancellor, for
the King had order'd him to be sent for too; he, being wiser than the
rest, says never a Word of his own good Services, but was only a
Spectator of the Comedy. At Length the King turning toward him, says,
Well, what says my Chancellor to the Matter? He is the only Man that
asks nothing, and says never a Word of his good Services. I, says the
Chancellor, have receiv'd more already from your royal Bounty, than I
have deserved. I am so far from craving more, that I am not desirous of
any Thing so much, as to behave myself worthy of the royal Bounty I have
receiv'd. Then, says the King, you are the only Man of 'em all that does
not want Money. Says the Chancellor, I must thank your Bounty that I
don't. Then he turns to the others, and says, I am the most magnificent
Prince in the World, that have such a wealthy Chancellor. This more
inflam'd all their Expectations, that the Money would be distributed
among them, since he desired none of it. When the King had play'd upon
'em after this Manner a pretty While, he made the Chancellor take it all
up, and carry it Home; then turning to the rest, who now look'd a little
dull upon it, says he, You must stay till the next Opportunity.

_Philog. _ Perhaps that I'm going to tell you, will not seem so
entertaining. However, I entreat you that you would not be suspicious,
that I use any Deceit or Collusion, or think that I have a Design to
desire to be excus'd. One came to the same _Lewis_, with a Petition that
he would bestow upon him an Office that happen'd to be vacant in the
Town where he liv'd. The King hearing the Petition read, answers
immediately, you shall not have it; by that Means putting him out of any
future Expectation; the Petitioner immediately returns the King Thanks,
and goes his Way. The King observing the Man's Countenance, perceiv'd he
was no Blockhead, and thinking perhaps he might have misunderstood what
he said, bids him be call'd back again. He came back; then says the
King; Did you understand what I said to you? I did understand you, quoth
he: Why, what did I say? That I should not have it, said he. What did
you thank me for then? Why, says he, I have some Business to do at Home,
and therefore it would have been a Trouble to me to have here danc'd
Attendance after a doubtful Hope; now, I look upon it a Benefit that you
have denied me the Office quickly, and so I count myself to have gain'd
whatsoever I should have lost by Attendance upon it, and gone without it
at last. By this Answer, the King seeing the Man to be no Blockhead,
having ask'd him a few Questions, says he, You shall have what you ask'd
for, that you may thank me twice, and turning to his Officers; Let, says
he, Letters patent be made out for this Man without Delay, that he may
not be detain'd here to his Detriment.

_Eugl. _ I could tell you a Story of _Lewis_, but I had rather tell one
of our _Maximilian_, who as he was far from hiding his Money in the
Ground, so he was very generous to those that had spent their Estates,
if they were nobly descended. He being minded to assist a young
Gentleman, that had fallen under these Circumstances, sent him on an
Embassy to demand an hundred thousand Florins of a certain City, but I
know not upon what Account. But this was the Condition of it, that if he
by his Dexterity could make any more of it, it should be his own. The
Embassador extorted fifty thousand from 'em, and gave _Caesar_ thirty of
'em. _Caesar_ being glad to receive more than he expected, dismisses the
Man without asking any Questions. In the mean Time the Treasurer and
Receivers smelt the Matter, that he had receiv'd more than he had paid
in; they importune _Caesar_ to send for him; he being sent for, comes
immediately: Says _Maximilian_, I hear you have receiv'd fifty thousand.
He confess'd it. But you have paid in but thirty thousand. He confess'd
that too. Says he, You must give an Account of it. He promis'd he would
do it, and went away. But again he doing nothing in it, the Officers
pressing the Matter, he was call'd again; then says _Caesar_ to him, A
little While ago, you were order'd to make up the Account. Says he, I
remember it, and am ready to do it. _Caesar_, imagining that he had not
settled it, let him go again; but he thus eluding the Matter, the
Officers insisted more pressingly upon it, crying out, it was a great
Affront to play upon _Caesar_ at this Rate. They persuaded the King to
send for him, and make him balance the Account before them. _Caesar_
agrees to it, he is sent for, comes immediately, and does not refuse to
do any Thing. Then says _Caesar_, Did not you promise to balance the
Account? Yes, said he. Well, says he, you must do it here; here are some
to take your Account; it must be put off no longer. The Officers sat by,
with Books ready for the Purpose. The young Man being come to this
Pinch, replies very smartly; Most invincible _Caesar_, I don't refuse to
give an Account, but am not very well skilled in these Sort of Accounts,
never having given any; but these that sit here are very ready at such
Accounts. If I do but once see how they make up such Accounts, I can
very easily imitate them. I entreat you to command them but to shew me
an Example, and they shall see I am very docible. _Caesar_ perceived
what he meant, but they, upon whom it was spoken did not, and smiling,
answered him, you say true, and what you demand is nothing but what is
reasonable: And so dismissed the young Man. For he intimated that they
used to bring in such Accounts to _Caesar_ as he had, that is, to keep a
good Part of the Money to themselves.

_Le. _ Now 'tis Time that our Story-telling should pass, as they say,
from better to worse, from Kings to _Anthony_, a Priest of _Louvain_,
who was much in Favour with _Philip_ surnamed _the Good_: there are a
great many Things told of this Man, both merrily said, and wittily done,
but most of them are something slovenly. For he used to season many of
his Jokes with a Sort of Perfume that has not a handsome Sound, but a
worse Scent. I'll pick out one of the cleanest of 'em. He had given an
Invitation to one or two merry Fellows that he had met with by Chance as
he went along; and when he comes Home, he finds a cold Kitchen; nor had
he any Money in his Pocket, which was no new Thing with him; here was
but little Time for Consultation. Away he goes, and says nothing, but
going into the Kitchen of a certain Usurer (that was an intimate
Acquaintance, by Reason of frequent Dealings with him) when the Maid was
gone out of the Way, he makes off with one of the Brass Pots, with the
Meat ready boiled, under his Coat, carries it Home, gives it his
Cook-Maid, and bids her pour out the Meat and Broth into another Earthen
Pot, and rub the Usurer's Brass one till it was bright. Having done
this, he sends his Boy to the Pawn-Broker to borrow two Groats upon it,
but charges him to take a Note, that should be a Testimonial, that such
a Pot had been sent him. The Pawn-Broker not knowing the Pot being
scour'd so bright, takes the Pawn, gives him a Note, and lays him down
the Money, and with that Money the Boy buys Wine, and so he provided an
Entertainment for him. By and by, when the Pawn-Broker's Dinner was
going to be taken up, the Pot was missing. He scolds at the Cook-Maid;
she being put hardly to it, affirmed no Body had been in the Kitchen all
that Day but _Anthony_. It seem'd an ill Thing to suspect a Priest. But
however at last they went to him, search'd the House for the Pot, but no
Pot was found. But in short, they charg'd him Home with the Pot, because
he was the only Person who had been in the Kitchen till the Pot was
missing. He confess'd that he had borrow'd a Pot, but that he had sent
it Home again to him from whom he had it. But they denying it stiffly,
and high Words arising, _Anthony_ calling some Witnesses, Look you,
quoth he, how dangerous a Thing it is to have to do with Men now-a-Days,
without a Note under their Hands: I should have been in Danger of being
indicted for Felony, if I had not had the Pawn-Broker's own Hand to
shew. And with that he produces the Note of his Hand. They perceiv'd the
Trick, and it made good Sport all the Country over, that the
Pawn-Broker had lent Money upon his own Porridge-Pot.
Men are commonly
very well pleas'd with such Tricks, when they are put upon such as they
have no good Opinion of, especially such as use to impose upon other
Persons.

_Adol. _ In Truth, by mentioning the Name of _Anthony_, you have laid
open an Ocean of merry Stories; but I'll tell but one, and a short one
too, that was told me very lately. A certain Company of jolly Fellows,
who are for a short Life, and a merry one, as they call it, were making
merry together; among the rest there was one _Anthony_, and another
Person, a noted Fellow for an arch Trick, a second _Anthony_. And as
'tis the Custom of Philosophers, when they meet together to propound
some Questions or other about the Things of Nature, so in this Company a
Question was propos'd; Which was the most honourable Part of a Man? One
said the Eyes, another said the Heart, another said the Brain, and
others said other Parts; and every one alleg'd some Reason for his
Assertion. _Anthony_ was bid to speak his Mind, and he gave his Opinion
that the Mouth was the most honourable, and gave some Reason for't, I
can't tell what. Upon that the other Person, that he might thwart
_Anthony_, made Answer that that was the most honourable Part that we
sit upon; and when every one cry'd out, that was absurd, he back'd it
with this Reason, that he was commonly accounted the most honourable
that was first seated, and that this Honour was commonly done to the
Part that he spoke of. They applauded his Opinion, and laughed heartily
at it. The Man was mightily pleas'd with his Wit, and _Anthony_ seem'd
to have the worst on't. _Anthony_ turn'd the Matter off very well,
saying that he had given the prime Honour to the Mouth for no other
Reason, but because he knew that the other Man would name some other
Part, if it were but out of Envy to thwart him: A few Days after, when
they were both invited again to an Entertainment, _Anthony_ going in,
finds his Antagonist, talking with some other Persons, while Supper was
getting ready, and turning his Arse towards him, lets a great Fart full
in his Face. He being in a violent Passion, says to him, Out, you saucy
Fellow, where was you drag'd up? _At Hogs Norton_? Then says _Anthony_,
What, are you angry? If I had saluted you with my Mouth, you would have
answer'd me again; but now I salute you with the most honourable Part of
the Body, in your own Opinion, you call me saucy Fellow. And so
_Anthony_ regain'd the Reputation he had lost. We have every one told
our Tale. Now, Mr. Judge, it is your Business to pass Sentence.

_Ge. _ Well, I'll do that, but not before every Man has taken off his
Glass, and I'll lead the Way. But _talk of the Devil and he'll appear_.

_Po. _ _Levinus Panagathus_ brings no bad Luck along with him.

_Lev. _ Well, pray what Diversion has there been among this merry
Company?

_Po. _ What should we do but tell merry Stories till you come?

_Lev. _ Well then, I'm come to conclude the Meeting. I desire you all to
come to Morrow to eat a Theological Dinner with me.

_Ge. _ You tell us of a melancholy Entertainment indeed.

_Lev. _ That will appear. If you don't confess that it has been more
entertaining than your fabulous one, I'll be content to be amerc'd a
Supper; there is nothing more diverting than to treat of Trifles in a
serious Manner.




_The LYING-IN WOMAN. _


The ARGUMENT.

_A Lying-in Woman had rather have a Boy than a Girl.
Custom is a grievous Tyrant. A Woman argues that she is
as good as her Husband. The Dignity of 'em both are
compared. The Tongue is a Woman's best Weapon. The Mother
herself ought to be the Nurse. She is not the Mother that
bears the Child, but she that nurses it. The very Beasts
themselves suckle their own Young. The Nurse's Milk
corrupts oftentimes both the Genius and natural
Constitution of the Infant. The Souls of some Persons
inhabit Bodies ill organized. _ Cato _judges it the
principal Part of Felicity, to dwell happily. She is
scarce half a Mother that refuses to bring up what she
has brought forth. A Mother is so called from [Greek: mê
têrein]. And in short, besides the Knowledge of a great
many Things in Nature, here are many that occur in
Morality. _


EUTRAPELUS, FABULLA.

_Eu. _ Honest _Fabulla_, I am glad to see you; I wish you well.

_Fa. _ I wish you well heartily, Eutrapelus. But what's the Matter more
than ordinary, that you that come so seldom to see me, are come now?
None of our Family has seen you this three Years.

_Eu. _ I'll tell you, as I chanced to go by the Door, I saw the Knocker
(called a Crow) tied up in a white Cloth, I wondered what was the
Matter.

_Fa. _ What! are you such a Stranger in this Country, as not to know that
that's a Token of a lying-in Woman in that House?

_Eu. _ Why, pray is it not a strange Sight to see a white Crow? But
without jesting, I did know very well what was the Matter; but I could
not dream, that you that are scarce sixteen, should learn so early the
difficult Art of getting Children, which some can scarce attain before
they are thirty.

_Fa. _ As you are _Eutrapelus_ by Name, so you are by Nature.

_Eu. _ And so are you too. For _Fabulla_ never wants a Fable. And while I
was in a Quandary, _Polygamus_ came by just in the Nick of Time.

_Fa. _ What he that lately buried his tenth Wife?

_Eu. _ The very same, but I believe you don't know that he goes a
courting as hotly as if he had lived all his Days a Batchelor. I ask'd
him what was the Matter; he told me that in this House the Body of a
Woman had been dissever'd. For what great Crime, says I? says he, If
what is commonly reported be true, the Mistress of this House attempted
to circumcise her Husband, and with that he went away laughing.

_Fa. _ He's a mere Wag.

_Eu. _ I presently ran in a-Doors to congratulate your safe Delivery.

_Fa. _ Congratulate my safe Delivery if you will, _Eutrapelus_, you may
congratulate my happy Delivery, when you shall see him that I have
brought forth give a Proof of himself to be an honest Man.

_Eu. _ Indeed, my _Fabulla_ you talk very piously and rationally.

_Fa. _ Nay, I am no Body's _Fabulla_ but _Petronius's. _

_Eu. _ Indeed you bear Children for _Petronius_ alone, but you don't live
for him alone, I believe. But however, I congratulate you upon this,
that you have got a Boy.

_Fa. _ But why do you think it better to have a Boy than a Girl?

_Eu. _ Nay, but rather you _Petronius's Fabulla_ (for now I am afraid to
call you mine) ought to tell me what Reason you Women have to wish for
Boys rather than Girls?

_Fa. _ I don't know what other People's Minds are; at this Time I am glad
I have a Boy, because so it pleased God. If it had pleased him best I
should have had a Girl, it would have pleased me best too.

_Eu. _ Do you think God has nothing else to do but be a Midwife to Women
in Labour?

_Fa. _ Pray, _Eutrapelus_, what should he do else, but preserve by
Propagation, what he has founded by Creation?

Eu, What should he do else good Dame? If he were not God, he'd never be
able to do what he has to do. _Christiernus_ King of _Denmark_, a
religious Favourer of the Gospel, is in Exile. _Francis_, King of
_France_, is a Sojourner in _Spain. _ I can't tell how well he may bear
it, but I am sure he is a Man that deserves better Fortune. _Charles_
labours with might and main to inlarge the Territories of his Monarchy.
And _Ferdinand_ is mightily taken up about his Affairs in _Germany. _ And
the Courtiers every where are almost Famished with Hunger after Money.
The very Farmers raise dangerous Commotions, nor are deterred from their
Attempts by so many Slaughters of Men, that have been made already. The
People are for setting up an Anarchy, and the Church goes to Ruin with
dangerous Factions. Christ's seamless Coat is rent asunder on all Sides.
God's Vineyard is spoiled by more Boars than one. The Authority of the
Clergy with their Tythes, the Dignity of Divines, the Majesty of Monks
is in Danger: Confession nods, Vows stagger, the Pope's Constitutions go
to decay, the Eucharist is call'd in Question, and Antichrist is
expected every Day, and the whole World seems to be in Travail to bring
forth I know not what Mischief. In the mean Time the _Turks_ over-run
all where-e'er they come, and are ready to invade us and lay all waste,
if they succeed in what they are about; and do you ask what God has
else to do? I think he should rather see to secure his own Kingdom in
Time.

_Fa. _ Perhaps that which Men make the greatest Account of, seems to God
of no Moment. But however, if you will, let us let God alone in this
Discourse of ours. What is your Reason to think it is happier to bear a
Boy than a Girl? It is the Part of a pious Person to think that best
which God, who without Controversy is the best Judge, has given.

_Eu. _ And if God should give you but a Cup made of Crystal, would you
not give him Thanks for it?

_Fa. _ Yes, I would.

_Eu. _ But what if he should give you one of common Glass, would you give
him the like Thanks? But I'm afraid instead of comforting you, by this
Discourse, I should make you uneasy.

_Fa. _ Nay, a _Fabulla_ can be in no Danger of being hurt by a Fable. I
have lain in now almost a Month, and I am strong enough for a Match at
Wrestling.

_Eu. _ Why don't you get out of your Bed then?

_Fa. _ The King has forbid me.

_Eu. _ What King?

_Fa. _ Nay a Tyrant rather.

_Eu. _ What Tyrant prithee?

_Fa. _ I'll tell you in one Syllable. Custom (_Mos_).

_Eu. _ Alas! How many Things does that Tyrant exact beyond the Bounds of
Equity? But let us go on to talk of our Crystal and our common Glass.

_Fa. _ I believe you judge, that a Male is naturally more excellent and
strong than a Female.

_Eu. _ I believe they are.

_Fa. _ That is Mens Opinion. But are Men any Thing longer-liv'd than
Women? Are they free from Distempers?

_Eu. _ No, but in the general they are stronger.

_Fa. _ But then they themselves are excell'd by Camels in Strength.

_Eu. _ But besides, the Male was created first.

_Fa. _ So was _Adam_ before _Christ_. Artists use to be most exquisite in
their later Performances.

_Eu. _ But God put the Woman under Subjection to the Man.

_Fa. _ It does not follow of Consequence, that he is the better because
he commands, he subjects her as a Wife, and not purely as a Woman; and
besides that he so puts the Wife under Subjection, that tho' they have
each of them Power over the other, he will have the Woman to be obedient
to the Man, not as to the more excellent, but to the more fierce Person.
Tell me, _Eutrapelus_, which is the weaker Person, he that yields to
another, or he that is yielded to?

_Eu. _ I'll grant you that, if you will explain to me, what Paul meant
when he wrote to the _Corinthians_, that _Christ was the Head of the
Man, and Man the Head of the Woman;_ and again, when he said, that _a
Man was the Image and Glory of God, and a Woman the Glory of the Man. _

_Fa. _ Well! I'll resolve you that, if you answer me this Question,
Whether or no, it is given to Men alone, to be the Members of Christ?

_Eu. _ God forbid, that is given to all Men and Women too by Faith.

_Fa. _ How comes it about then, that when there is but one Head, it
should not be common to all the Members? And besides that, since God
made Man in his own Image, whether did he express this Image in the
Shape of his Body, or the Endowments of his Mind?

_Eu. _ In the Endowments of his Mind.

_Fa. _ Well, and I pray what have Men in these more excellent than we
have? In both Sexes, there are many Drunkennesses, Brawls, Fightings,
Murders, Wars, Rapines, and Adulteries.

_Eu. _ But we Men alone fight for our Country.

_Fa. _ And you Men often desert from your Colours, and run away like
Cowards; and it is not always for the Sake of your Country, that you
leave your Wives and Children, but for the Sake of a little nasty Pay;
and, worse than Fencers at the Bear-Garden, you deliver up your Bodies
to a slavish Necessity of being killed, or yourselves killing others.
And now after all your Boasting of your warlike Prowess, there is none
of you all, but if you had once experienced what it is to bring a Child
into the World, would rather be placed ten Times in the Front of a
Battle, than undergo once what we must so often. An Army does not always
fight, and when it does, the whole Army is not always engaged. Such as
you are set in the main Body, others are kept for Bodies of Reserve, and
some are safely posted in the Rear; and lastly, many save themselves by
surrendring, and some by running away. We are obliged to encounter
Death, Hand to Hand.

_Eu. _ I have heard these Stories before now; but the Question is,
Whether they are true or not?

_Fa. _ Too true.

_Eu.