No More Learning

I have never made myself the
slave of the woman I have loved. On the contrary, I have always acquired
an invincible power over her will and heart, without in the least
endeavouring to do so. Why is this? Is it because I never esteem
anything highly, and she has been continually afraid to let me out of
her hands? Or is it the magnetic influence of a powerful organism? Or is
it, simply, that I have never succeeded in meeting a woman of stubborn
character?

I must confess that, in fact, I do not love women who possess strength
of character. What business have they with such a thing?

Indeed, I remember now. Once and once only did I love a woman who had
a firm will which I was never able to vanquish. . . We parted as
enemies--and then, perhaps, if I had met her five years later we would
have parted otherwise. . .

Vera is ill, very ill, although she does not admit it. I fear she has
consumption, or that disease which is called “fievre lente”--a quite
unRussian disease, and one for which there is no name in our language.

The storm overtook us while in the grotto and detained us half an hour
longer. Vera did not make me swear fidelity, or ask whether I had loved
others since we had parted. . . She trusted in me anew with all her former
unconcern, and I will not deceive her: she is the only woman in the
world whom it would never be within my power to deceive. I know that we
shall soon have to part again, and perchance for ever. We will both go
by different ways to the grave, but her memory will remain inviolable
within my soul. I have always repeated this to her, and she believes me,
although she says she does not.

At length we separated. For a long time I followed her with my eyes,
until her hat was hidden behind the shrubs and rocks. My heart was
painfully contracted, just as after our first parting. Oh, how I
rejoiced in that emotion! Can it be that youth is about to come back to
me, with its salutary tempests, or is this only the farewell glance, the
last gift--in memory of itself? . . . And to think that, in appearance,
I am still a boy! My face, though pale, is still fresh; my limbs are
supple and slender; my hair is thick and curly, my eyes sparkle, my
blood boils. . .

Returning home, I mounted on horseback and galloped to the steppe. I
love to gallop on a fiery horse through the tall grass, in the face of
the desert wind; greedily I gulp down the fragrant air and fix my gaze
upon the blue distance, endeavouring to seize the misty outlines of
objects which every minute grow clearer and clearer. Whatever griefs
oppress my heart, whatever disquietudes torture my thoughts--all are
dispersed in a moment; my soul becomes at ease; the fatigue of the body
vanquishes the disturbance of the mind. There is not a woman’s glance
which I would not forget at the sight of the tufted mountains, illumined
by the southern sun; at the sight of the dark-blue sky, or in hearkening
to the roar of the torrent as it falls from cliff to cliff.

I believe that the Cossacks, yawning on their watch-towers, when they
saw me galloping thus needlessly and aimlessly, were long tormented
by that enigma, because from my dress, I am sure, they took me to be a
Circassian. I have, in fact, been told that when riding on horseback, in
my Circassian costume, I resemble a Kabardian more than many a Kabardian
himself. And, indeed, so far as regards that noble, warlike garb, I am
a perfect dandy. I have not a single piece of gold lace too much; my
weapon is costly, but simply wrought; the fur on my cap is neither too
long nor too short; my leggings and shoes are matched with all possible
accuracy; my tunic is white; my Circassian jacket, dark-brown. I have
long studied the mountaineer seat on horseback, and in no way is it
possible to flatter my vanity so much as by acknowledging my skill in
horsemanship in the Cossack mode. I keep four horses--one for myself and
three for my friends, so that I may not be bored by having to roam about
the fields all alone; they take my horses with pleasure, and never ride
with me.

It was already six o’clock in the evening, when I remembered that it was
time to dine. My horse was jaded. I rode out on to the road leading
from Pyatigorsk to the German colony, to which the society of the
watering-place frequently rides en piquenique. The road meanders between
bushes and descends into little ravines, through which flow noisy brooks
beneath the shade of tall grasses. All around, in an amphitheatre,
rise the blue masses of Mount Beshtau and the Zmeiny, Zhelezny and Lysy
Mountains. [26] Descending into one of those ravines, I halted to water
my horse. At that moment a noisy and glittering cavalcade made its
appearance upon the road--the ladies in black and dark-blue riding
habits, the cavaliers in costumes which formed a medley of the
Circassian and Nizhegorodian. [27] In front rode Grushnitski with
Princess Mary.

The ladies at the watering-place still believe in attacks by Circassians
in broad daylight; for that reason, doubtless, Grushnitski had slung
a sabre and a pair of pistols over his soldier’s cloak. He looked
ridiculous enough in that heroic attire.

I was concealed from their sight by a tall bush, but I was able to see
everything through the leaves, and to guess from the expression of their
faces that the conversation was of a sentimental turn. At length
they approached the slope; Grushnitski took hold of the bridle of the
Princess’s horse, and then I heard the conclusion of their conversation:

“And you wish to remain all your life in the Caucasus? ” said Princess
Mary.

“What is Russia to me? ” answered her cavalier. “A country in which
thousands of people, because they are richer than I, will look upon me
with contempt, whilst here--here this thick cloak has not prevented my
acquaintance with you”. . .

“On the contrary”. . . said Princess Mary, blushing.

Grushnitski’s face was a picture of delight. He continued:

“Here, my life will flow along noisily, unobserved, and rapidly, under
the bullets of the savages, and if Heaven were every year to send me a
single bright glance from a woman’s eyes--like that which--”

At that moment they came up to where I was. I struck my horse with the
whip and rode out from behind the bush. . .

“Mon Dieu, un circassien! ”. . . exclaimed Princess Mary in terror.

In order completely to undeceive her, I replied in French, with a slight
bow:

“Ne craignez rien, madame, je ne suis pas plus dangereux que votre
cavalier”. . .

She grew embarrassed--but at what? At her own mistake, or because my
answer struck her as insolent? I should like the latter hypothesis to be
correct. Grushnitski cast a discontented glance at me.

Late in the evening, that is to say, about eleven o’clock, I went for a
walk in the lilac avenue of the boulevard. The town was sleeping; lights
were gleaming in only a few windows. On three sides loomed the black
ridges of the cliffs, the spurs of Mount Mashuk, upon the summit of
which an ominous cloud was lying. The moon was rising in the east; in
the distance, the snow-clad mountains glistened like a fringe of silver.
The calls of the sentries mingled at intervals with the roar of the hot
springs let flow for the night. At times the loud clattering of a horse
rang out along the street, accompanied by the creaking of a Nagai wagon
and the plaintive burden of a Tartar song.

I sat down upon a bench and fell into a reverie. . . I felt the necessity
of pouring forth my thoughts in friendly conversation. . . But with
whom? . . .

“What is Vera doing now? ” I wondered.

I would have given much to press her hand at that moment.

All at once I heard rapid and irregular steps. . . Grushnitski, no
doubt! . . . So it was!

“Where have you come from? ”

“From Princess Ligovski’s,” he said very importantly. “How well Mary
does sing! ”. . .

“Do you know? ” I said to him. “I wager that she does not know that you
are a cadet. She thinks you are an officer reduced to the ranks”. . .

“Maybe so. What is that to me! ”. . . he said absently.

“No, I am only saying so”. . .

“But, do you know that you have made her terribly angry to-day? She
considered it an unheard-of piece of insolence. It was only with
difficulty that I was able to convince her that you are so well bred
and know society so well that you could not have had any intention of
insulting her. She says that you have an impudent glance, and that you
have certainly a very high opinion of yourself. ”

“She is not mistaken. . . But do you not want to defend her? ”

“I am sorry I have not yet the right to do so”. . .

“Oho! ” I said to myself, “evidently he has hopes already. ”

“However, it is the worse for you,” continued Grushnitski; “it will be
difficult for you to make their acquaintance now, and what a pity! It is
one of the most agreeable houses I know”. . .

I smiled inwardly.

“The most agreeable house to me now is my own,” I said, with a yawn, and
I got up to go.

“Confess, though, you repent? ”. . .

“What nonsense! If I like I will be at Princess Ligovski’s to-morrow
evening! ”. . .

“We shall see”. . .

“I will even begin to pay my addresses to Princess Mary, if you would
like me to”. . .

“Yes, if she is willing to speak to you”. . .

“I am only awaiting the moment when she will be bored by your
conversation. . . Goodbye”. . .

“Well, I am going for a stroll; I could not go to sleep now for
anything. . . Look here, let us go to the restaurant instead, there is
cardplaying going on there. . . What I need now is violent sensations”. . .

“I hope you will lose”. . .

I went home.




CHAPTER IV. 21st May.

NEARLY a week has passed, and I have not yet made the Ligovskis’
acquaintance. I am awaiting a convenient opportunity. Grushnitski
follows Princess Mary everywhere like a shadow. Their conversations are
interminable; but, when will she be tired of him? . . . Her mother pays no
attention, because he is not a man who is in a position to marry.
Behold
the logic of mothers! I have caught two or three tender glances--this
must be put a stop to.

Yesterday, for the first time, Vera made her appearance at the well. . .
She has never gone out of doors since we met in the grotto. We let down
our tumblers at the same time, and as she bent forward she whispered to
me:

“You are not going to make the Ligovskis’ acquaintance? . . . It is only
there that we can meet”. . .

A reproach! . . . How tiresome! But I have deserved it. . .

By the way, there is a subscription ball tomorrow in the saloon of the
restaurant, and I will dance the mazurka with Princess Mary.




CHAPTER V. 29th May.

THE saloon of the restaurant was converted into the assembly room of a
Nobles’ Club. The company met at nine o’clock. Princess Ligovski and her
daughter were amongst the latest to make their appearance. Several of
the ladies looked at Princess Mary with envy and malevolence,
because she dresses with taste. Those who look upon themselves as the
aristocracy of the place concealed their envy and attached themselves to
her train. What else could be expected? Wherever there is a gathering
of women, the company is immediately divided into a higher and a lower
circle.

Beneath the window, amongst a crowd of people, stood Grushnitski,
pressing his face to the pane and never taking his eyes off his
divinity. As she passed by, she gave him a hardly perceptible nod. He
beamed like the sun. . . The first dance was a polonaise, after which the
musicians struck up a waltz. Spurs began to jingle, and skirts to rise
and whirl.

I was standing behind a certain stout lady who was overshadowed by
rose-coloured feathers. The magnificence of her dress reminded me of the
times of the farthingale, and the motley hue of her by no means smooth
skin, of the happy epoch of the black taffeta patch. An immense wart
on her neck was covered by a clasp. She was saying to her cavalier, a
captain of dragoons:

“That young Princess Ligovski is a most intolerable creature! Just
fancy, she jostled against me and did not apologise, but even turned
round and stared at me through her lorgnette! . . . C’est impayable! . . . And
what has she to be proud of? It is time somebody gave her a lesson”. . .

“That will be easy enough,” replied the obliging captain, and he
directed his steps to the other room.

I went up to Princess Mary immediately, and, availing myself of the
local customs which allowed one to dance with a stranger, I invited her
to waltz with me.

She was scarcely able to keep from smiling and letting her triumph be
seen; but quickly enough she succeeded in assuming an air of perfect
indifference and even severity. Carelessly she let her hand fall upon my
shoulder, inclined her head slightly to one side, and we began to dance.
I have never known a waist more voluptuous and supple! Her fresh breath
touched my face; at times a lock of hair, becoming separated from its
companions in the eddy of the waltz, glided over my burning cheek. . .

I made three turns of the ballroom (she waltzes surprisingly well).
She was out of breath, her eyes were dulled, her half-open lips were
scarcely able to whisper the indispensable: “merci, monsieur. ”

After a few moments’ silence I said to her, assuming a very humble air:

“I have heard, Princess, that although quite unacquainted with you, I
have already had the misfortune to incur your displeasure. . . that you
have considered me insolent. Can that possibly true? ”

“Would you like to confirm me in that opinion now? ” she answered,
with an ironical little grimace--very becoming, however, to her mobile
countenance.

“If I had the audacity to insult you in any way, then allow me to have
the still greater audacity to beg your pardon. . . And, indeed, I should
very much like to prove to you that you are mistaken in regard to me”. . .

“You will find that a rather difficult task”. . .

“But why? ”. . .

“Because you never visit us and, most likely, there will not be many
more of these balls. ”

“That means,” I thought, “that their doors are closed to me for ever. ”

“You know, Princess,” I said to her, with a certain amount of vexation,
“one should never spurn a penitent criminal: in his despair he may
become twice as much a criminal as before. . . and then”. . .

Sudden laughter and whispering from the people around us caused me to
turn my head and to interrupt my phrase. A few paces away from me stood
a group of men, amongst them the captain of dragoons, who had manifested
intentions hostile to the charming Princess. He was particularly well
pleased with something or other, and was rubbing his hands, laughing and
exchanging meaning glances with his companions. All at once a gentleman
in an evening-dress coat and with long moustaches and a red face
separated himself from the crowd and directed his uncertain steps
straight towards Princess Mary. He was drunk. Coming to a halt opposite
the embarrassed Princess and placing his hands behind his back, he fixed
his dull grey eyes upon her, and said in a hoarse treble:

“Permettez. . . but what is the good of that sort of thing here. . . All I
need say is: I engage you for the mazurka”. . .

“Very well! ” she replied in a trembling voice, throwing a beseeching
glance around. Alas! Her mother was a long way off, and not one of
the cavaliers of her acquaintance was near. A certain aide-de-camp
apparently saw the whole scene, but he concealed himself behind the
crowd in order not to be mixed up in the affair.

“What? ” said the drunken gentleman, winking to the captain of dragoons,
who was encouraging him by signs. “Do you not wish to dance then? . . . All
the same I again have the honour to engage you for the mazurka. . . You
think, perhaps, that I am drunk! That is all right! . . . I can dance all
the easier, I assure you”. . .

I saw that she was on the point of fainting with fright and indignation.

I went up to the drunken gentleman, caught him none too gently by the
arm, and, looking him fixedly in the face, requested him to retire.
“Because,” I added, “the Princess promised long ago to dance the mazurka
with me. ”

“Well, then, there’s nothing to be done! Another time! ” he said,
bursting out laughing, and he retired to his abashed companions, who
immediately conducted him into another room.

I was rewarded by a deep, wondrous glance.

The Princess went up to her mother and told her the whole story. The
latter sought me out among the crowd and thanked me. She informed me
that she knew my mother and was on terms of friendship with half a dozen
of my aunts.

“I do not know how it has happened that we have not made your
acquaintance up to now,” she added; “but confess, you alone are to blame
for that. You fight shy of everyone in a positively unseemly way. I hope
the air of my drawingroom will dispel your spleen. . . Do you not think
so? ”

I uttered one of the phrases which everybody must have ready for such an
occasion.

The quadrilles dragged on a dreadfully long time.

At last the music struck up from the gallery, Princess Mary and I took
up our places.

I did not once allude to the drunken gentleman, or to my previous
behaviour, or to Grushnitski. The impression produced upon her by the
unpleasant scene was gradually dispelled; her face brightened up; she
jested very charmingly; her conversation was witty, without pretensions
to wit, vivacious and spontaneous; her observations were sometimes
profound. . . In a very involved sentence I gave her to understand that I
had liked her for a long time. She bent her head and blushed slightly.

“You are a strange man! ” she said, with a forced laugh, lifting her
velvet eyes upon me.

“I did not wish to make your acquaintance,” I continued, “because you
are surrounded by too dense a throng of adorers, in which I was afraid
of being lost to sight altogether. ”

“You need not have been afraid; they are all very tiresome”. . .

“All? Not all, surely? ”

She looked fixedly at me as if endeavouring to recollect something, then
blushed slightly again and finally pronounced with decision:

“All! ”

“Even my friend, Grushnitski? ”

“But is he your friend? ” she said, manifesting some doubt.

“Yes. ”

“He, of course, does not come into the category of the tiresome”. . .

“But into that of the unfortunate! ” I said, laughing.

“Of course! But do you consider that funny? I should like you to be in
his place”. . .

“Well? I was once a cadet myself, and, in truth, it was the best time of
my life! ”

“Is he a cadet, then? ”. . . she said rapidly, and then added: “But I
thought”. . .

“What did you think? ”. . .

“Nothing! Who is that lady? ”

Thereupon the conversation took a different direction, and it did not
return to the former subject.

And now the mazurka came to an end and we separated--until we should
meet again. The ladies drove off in different directions. I went to get
some supper, and met Werner.

“Aha! ” he said: “so it is you! And yet you did not wish to make the
acquaintance of Princess Mary otherwise than by saving her from certain
death. ”

“I have done better,” I replied. “I have saved her from fainting at the
ball”. .