No More Learning

Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was
too hard for the philosopher.

MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A
little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled
him again.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks.

TONY. (Still gazing. ) A damned up and down hand, as if it was
disguised in liquor. --(Reading. ) Dear Sir,--ay, that's that. Then
there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or
an R, confound me, I cannot tell.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. What's that, my dear? Can I give you any
assistance?

MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand
better than I. (Twitching the letter from him. ) Do you know who it is
from?

TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder.

MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read. ) Dear 'Squire,
hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen
of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of
feather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--long fighting--um--here, here,
it's all about cocks and fighting; it's of no consequence; here, put it
up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him. )

TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world.
I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you
make it out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter. )

MRS. HARDCASTLE. How's this? --(Reads. ) "Dear 'Squire, I'm now
waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of
the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I
expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised.
Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will
otherwise suspect us! Yours, Hastings. " Grant me patience. I shall
run distracted! My rage chokes me.

MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few
moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design,
that belongs to another.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low. ) Fine spoken, madam, you are
most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of
courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone. ) And you, you
great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth
shut: were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots
in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh
horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please,
instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to
run off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll
warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the
way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish you
better than you do yourselves. [Exit. ]

MISS NEVILLE. So now I'm completely ruined.

TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing.

MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being connected with
such a stupid fool,--and after all the nods and signs I made him?

TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my
stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with
your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be
making believe.


Enter HASTINGS.


HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my
letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman?

TONY. Here's another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was
her doing, not mine.


Enter MARLOW.


MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered
contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at.

TONY. Here's another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose
presently.

MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe
every obligation.

MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance
and age are a protection?

HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace
correction.

MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself
merry with all our embarrassments.

HASTINGS. An insensible cub.

MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief.

TONY. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the
other----with baskets.

MARLOW. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr.
Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would
not undeceive me.

HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time
for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow.

MARLOW. But, sir----

MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was
too late to undeceive you.


Enter Servant.


SERVANT. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The
horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We
are to go thirty miles before morning. [Exit Servant. ]

MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I'll come presently.

MARLOW. (To HASTINGS. ) Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering
me ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance?
Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation.

HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon that subject, to
deliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir?

MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase my
distress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you----


Enter Servant.


SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [Exit
Servant. ]

MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I
shall die with apprehension.


Enter Servant.


SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting.

MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint
and ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert your
resentment into pity.

MARLOW. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don't
know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my
hasty temper, and should not exasperate it.

HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse.

MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me
that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years
will but increase the happiness of our future connexion. If----

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within. ) Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, I
say.

MISS NEVILLE. I'm coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is the
word. [Exit. ]

HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness,
and such happiness!

MARLOW. (To Tony. ) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your
folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and
even distress.

TONY. (From a reverie. ) Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your
hands. Yours and yours, my poor Sulky! --My boots there, ho! --Meet me
two hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don't find Tony
Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give you
leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come
along. My boots, ho! [Exeunt. ]




ACT THE FIFTH.


(SCENE continued.
)


Enter HASTINGS and Servant.


HASTINGS. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say?

SERVANT. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and the
young 'squire went on horseback. They're thirty miles off by this
time.

HASTINGS. Then all my hopes are over.

SERVANT. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the old
gentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow's mistake this
half hour. They are coming this way.

HASTINGS. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless
appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time.
[Exit. ]


Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE.


HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth
his sublime commands!

SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your
advances.

HARDCASTLE. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common
innkeeper, too.

SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper,
ha! ha! ha!

HARDCASTLE. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but
joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our
personal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter's fortune is
but small--

SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to ME? My son is
possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a
good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they
like each other, as you say they do--

HARDCASTLE. IF, man! I tell you they DO like each other. My
daughter as good as told me so.

SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know.

HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and
here he comes to put you out of your IFS, I warrant him.


Enter MARLOW.


MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct.
I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion.

HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or
two's laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She'll
never like you the worse for it.

MARLOW. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation.

HARDCASTLE. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not
deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You
take me?

MARLOW. Really, sir, I have not that happiness.

HARDCASTLE. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what as well
as you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum.

MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most
profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You
don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest
of the family.

HARDCASTLE. Impudence! No, I don't say that--not quite
impudence--though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little
too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you.

MARLOW. I never gave her the slightest cause.

HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But
this is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father
and I will like you all the better for it.

MARLOW. May I die, sir, if I ever----

HARDCASTLE. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm sure you
like her----

MARLOW. Dear sir--I protest, sir----

HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as
the parson can tie you.

MARLOW. But hear me, sir--

HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every
moment's delay will be doing mischief. So--

MARLOW. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I
never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even
the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one
interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting.

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyond
bearing.

SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made any
protestations?

MARLOW. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your
commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without
reluctance. I hope you'll exact no farther proofs of my duty, nor
prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many
mortifications. [Exit. ]

SIR CHARLES. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he
parted.

HARDCASTLE. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his
assurance.

SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth.

HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness
upon her veracity.


Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.


HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely and
without reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and
affection?

MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very abrupt, sir. But since you
require unreserved sincerity, I think he has.

HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES. ) You see.

SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one
interview?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several.

HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES. ) You see.

SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any attachment?

MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one.

SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir.

SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this formally?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally.

HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied.

SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam?

MISS HARDCASTLE. As most profest admirers do: said some civil things
of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of
mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with
pretended rapture.

SIR CHARLES. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his
conversation among women to be modest and submissive: this forward
canting ranting manner by no means describes him; and, I am confident,
he never sat for the picture.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your
face of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will
place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his
passion to me in person.

SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my
happiness in him must have an end. [Exit. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don't find him what I describe--I fear my
happiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt. ]


SCENE changes to the back of the Garden.


Enter HASTINGS.


HASTINGS. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably
takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual,
and I'll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with
news of my Constance.


Enter Tony, booted and spattered.


HASTINGS. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word.
This looks like friendship.

TONY. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world,
if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedly
tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach.

HASTINGS. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are
they in safety? Are they housed?

TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad
driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I'd rather
ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment.

HASTINGS. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with
impatience.

TONY. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found
them?

HASTINGS. This is a riddle.

TONY. Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, and
round the house, and never touches the house?

HASTINGS. I'm still astray.

TONY. Why, that's it, mon.