_ I believe not to you; it is
Midnight
yet to your Eyes.
Erasmus
The
Impieties of a Military Life are here laid open, by this
Confession of a Soldier, that Youth may be put out of
Conceit of going into the Army. _
HANNO, THRASYMACHUS.
_Hanno. _ How comes it about that you that went away a _Mercury_, come
back a _Vulcan_?
_Thr. _ What do you talk to me of your _Mercuries_ and your _Vulcans_
for?
_Ha. _ Because you seem'd to be ready to fly when you went away, but
you're come limping Home.
_Thr. _ I'm come back like a Soldier then.
_Ha. _ You a Soldier, that would out-run a Stag if an Enemy were at your
Heels.
_Thr. _ The Hope of Booty made me valiant.
_Ha. _ Well, have you brought Home a good Deal of Plunder then?
_Thr. _ Empty Pockets.
_Ha. _ Then you were the lighter for travelling.
_Thr. _ But I was heavy loaden with Sin.
_Ha. _ That's heavy Luggage indeed, if the Prophet says right, who calls
Sin Lead.
_Thr. _ I have seen and had a Hand in more Villanies this Campaign than
in the whole Course of my Life before.
_Ha. _ How do you like a Soldier's Life?
_Thr. _ There is no Course of Life in the. World more wicked or more
wretched.
_Ha. _ What then must be in the Minds of those People, that for the Sake
of a little Money, and some out of Curiosity, make as much Haste to a
Battel as to a Banquet?
_Thr. _ In Truth, I can think no other but they are possess'd; for if the
Devil were not in them they would never anticipate their Fate.
_Ha. _ So one would think, for if you'd put 'em upon any honest Business,
they'll scarce stir a Foot in it for any Money. But tell me, how went
the Battel? Who got the better on't?
_Thr. _ There was such a Hallooing, Hurly-burly, Noise of Guns, Trumpets
and Drums, Neighing of Horses, and Shouting of Men, that I was so far
from knowing what others were a doing, that I scarcely knew where I was
myself.
_Ha. _ How comes it about then that others, after a Fight is over, do
paint you out every Circumstance so to the Life, and tell you what such
an Officer said, and what t'other did, as tho' they had been nothing but
Lookers on all the Time, and had been every where at the same Time?
_Thr. _ It is my Opinion that they lye confoundedly. I can tell you what
was done in my own Tent, but as to what was done in the Battel, I know
nothing at all of that.
_Ha. _ Don't you know how you came to be lame neither?
_Thr. _ Scarce that upon my Honour, but I suppose my Knee was hurt by a
Stone, or a Horse-heel, or so.
_Ha. _ Well, but I can tell you.
_Thr. _ You tell me? Why, has any Body told you?
_Ha. _ No, but I guess.
_Thr. _ Tell me then.
_Ha. _ When you were running away in a Fright, you fell down and hit it
against a Stone.
_Thr. _ Let me die if you han't hit the Nail on the Head.
_Ha. _ Go, get you Home, and tell your Wife of your Exploits.
_Thr. _ She'll read me a Juniper-Lecture for coming Home in such a
Pickle.
_Ha. _ But what Restitution will you make for what you have stolen?
_Thr. _ That's made already.
_Ha. _ To whom?
_Thr. _ Why, to Whores, Sutlers, and Gamesters.
_Ha. _ That's like a Soldier for all the World, it's but just that what's
got over the Devil's Back should be spent under his Belly.
_Ha. _ But I hope you have kept your Fingers all this While from
Sacrilege?
_Thr. _ There's nothing sacred in Hostility, there we neither spare
private Houses nor Churches.
_Ha. _ How will you make Satisfaction?
_Thr. _ They say there is no Satisfaction to be made for what is done in
War, for all Things are lawful there.
_Ha. _ You mean by the Law of Arms, I suppose?
_Thr. _ You are right.
_Ha. _ But that Law is the highest Injustice. It was not the Love of your
Country, but the Love of Booty that made you a Soldier.
_Thr. _ I confess so, and I believe very few go into the Army with any
better Design.
_Ha. _ It is indeed some Excuse to be mad with the greater Part of
Mankind.
_Thr. _ I have heard a Parson say in his Pulpit that War was lawful.
_Ha. _ Pulpits indeed are the Oracles of Truth. But War may be lawful for
a Prince, and yet not so for you.
_Thr. _ I have heard that every Man must live by his Trade.
_Ha. _ A very honourable Trade indeed to burn Houses, rob Churches,
ravish Nuns, plunder the Poor, and murder the Innocent!
_Thr. _ Butchers are hired to kill Beasts; and why is our Trade found
Fault with who are hired to kill Men?
_Ha. _ But was you never thoughtful what should become of your Soul if
you happen'd to be kill'd in the Battel?
_Thr. _ Not very much; I was very well satisfied in my Mind, having once
for all commended myself to St. _Barbara_.
_Ha. _ And did she take you under her Protection?
_Thr. _ I fancied so, for methought she gave me a little Nod.
_Ha. _ What Time was it? In the Morning?
_Thr. _ No, no, 'twas after Supper.
_Ha. _ And by that Time I suppose the Trees seem'd to walk too?
_Thr. _ How this Man guesses every Thing! But St. _Christopher_ was the
Saint I most depended on, whose Picture I had always in my Eye.
_Ha. _ What in your Tent?
_Thr. _ We had drawn him with Charcoal upon our Sail-cloth.
_Thr. _ Then to be sure that _Christopher_ the Collier was a sure Card to
trust to? But without jesting, I don't see how you can expect to be
forgiven all these Villanies, unless you go to _Rome_.
_Thr. _ Yes, I can, I know a shorter Way than that.
_Ha. _ What Way is that?
_Thr. _ I'll go to the _Dominicans_, and there I can do my Business with
the Commissaries for a Trifle.
_Ha. _ What, for Sacrilege?
_Thr. _ Ay, if I had robb'd Christ himself, and cut off his Head
afterwards, they have Pardons would reach it, and Commissions large
enough to compound for it.
_Ha. _ That is well indeed, if God should ratify your Composition.
_Thr. _ Nay, I am rather afraid the Devil should not ratify it; God is of
a forgiving Nature.
_Ha. _ What Priest will you get you?
_Thr. _ One that I know has but little Modesty or Honesty.
_Ha. _ Like to like. And when that's over, you'll go strait away to the
Communion, like a good Christian, will you not?
_Thr. _ Why should I not? For after I have once discharg'd the Jakes of
my Sins into his Cowl, and unburden'd myself of my Luggage, let him look
to it that absolv'd me.
_Ha. _ But how can you be sure that he does absolve you?
_Thr. _ I know that well enough.
_Ha. _ How do you know it?
_Thr. _ Because he lays his Hand upon my Head and mutters over something,
I don't know what.
_Ha. _ What if he should give you all your Sins again when he lays his
Hand upon your Head, and these should be the Words he mutters to
himself? _I absolve thee from all thy good Deeds, of which I find few or
none in thee; I restore thee to thy wonted Manners, and leave thee just
as I found thee_.
_Thr. _ Let him look to what he says, it is enough for me that I believe
I am absolv'd.
_Ha. _ But you run a great Hazard by that Belief, for perhaps that will
not be Satisfaction to God, to whom thou art indebted.
_Thr. _ Who a Mischief put you in my Way to disturb my Conscience, which
was very quiet before?
_Ha. _ Nay, I think it is a very happy Encounter to meet a Friend that
gives good Advice.
_Thr. _ I can't tell how good it is, but I am sure it is not very
pleasant.
_The COMMANDS OF A MASTER. _
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy treats of the Commands of a Master, and
the Business of a Servant, 1. The Master calls up his
sleepy Servant, commands him to set the House to rights;
the Servant answers again, that he speaks not a Word
about Dinner, &c. 2. Of sending him on various Errands.
3. Concerning Riding_.
1. _Of calling up the Sleeper. _
RABANUS, SYRUS.
_RA. _ Soho, soho, Rascal, I am hoarse a bawling to you, and you lye
snoring still, you'll sleep for ever I think in my Conscience; either
get up presently or I'll rouze you with a good Cudgel. When will you
have slept out your Yesterday's Debauch? Are you not asham'd, you sleepy
Sot, to lye a-bed till this time of Day? Good Servants rise as soon as
it is Day, and take Care to get every Thing in order before their Master
rises. How loth this Drone is to leave his warm Nest! he is a whole Hour
a scratching, and stretching, and yawning.
_Sy. _ It is scarce Day yet.
_Ra.
_ I believe not to you; it is Midnight yet to your Eyes.
_Sy. _ What do you want me to do?
_Ra. _ Make the Fire burn, brush my Cap and Cloke, clean my Shoes and
Galloshoes, take my Stockings and turn them inside out, and brush them
well, first within, and then without, burn a little Perfume to sweeten
the Air, light a Candle, give me a clean Shirt, air it well before a
clear Fire.
_Sy. _ It shall be done Sir.
_Ra. _ But make Haste then, all this ought to have been done before now.
_Sy. _ I do make Haste Sir.
_Ra. _ I see what Haste you make, you are never the forwarder, you go a
Snail's Gallop.
_Sy. _ Sir, I cannot do two Things at once.
_Ra. _ You Scoundrel, do you speak Sentences too? Take away the
Chamber-Pot, lay the Bed-Clothes to Rights, draw back the Curtains,
sweep the House, sweep the Chamber-floor, fetch me some Water to wash my
Hands. What are you a sliving about you Drone? You are a Year a lighting
a Candle.
_Sy. _ I can't find a Spark of Fire.
_Ra. _ Is it so you rak'd it up last Night?
_Sy. _ I have no Bellows.
_Ra. _ How the Knave thwarts me, as if he that has you can want Bellows.
_Sy. _ What an imperious Master have I gotten! Ten of the nimblest
Fellows in the World are scarce sufficient to perform his Orders.
_Ra. _ What's that you say you slow-Back?
_Sy. _ Nothing at all, Sir.
_Ra. _ No, Sirrah, did I not hear you mutter?
_Sy. _ I was saying my Prayers.
_Ra. _ Ay, I believe so, but it was the Lord's-Prayer backwards then.
Pray, what was that you were chattering about Imperiousness?
_Sy. _ I was wishing you might be an Emperor.
_Ra. _ And I wish you may be made a Man of a Stump of a Tree. Wait upon
me to Church, and then run Home and make the Bed, and put every Thing in
its Place; let the House be set to Rights from Top to Bottom, rub the
Chamber-Pot, put these foul Things out of Sight, perhaps I may have
some Gentry come to pay me a Visit; if I find any Thing out of Order
I'll thresh you soundly.
_Sy. _ I know your good Humour well enough in that Matter.
_Ra. _ Then it behoves you to look about you, if you are wise.
_Sy. _ But all this while here is not one Word about Dinner.
_Ra. _ Out you Villain, one may see what your Mind runs on. I don't dine
at Home, therefore come to me a little before Ten a-Clock, that you may
wait upon me where I am to go to Dinner.
_Sy. _ You have taken Care of yourself, but there is not a Bit of Bread
for me to put into my Head.
_Ra. _ If you have nothing to eat, you have something to hunger after.
_Sy. _ But Fasting won't fill the Belly.
_Ra. _ There is Bread for you.
_Sy. _ There is so, but it is as black as my Hat, and as coarse as the
Bran itself.
_Ra. _ You dainty chap'd Fellow, you ought to be fed with Hay, if you had
such Commons as you deserve. What, I warrant you, Mr. Ass, you must be
fed with Plumb Cakes, must you? If you can't eat dry Bread, take a Leek
to eat with it, or an Onion, if you like that better.
* * * * *
_2. Of sending about various Businesses. _
_Ra. _ You must go to Market.
_Sy. _ What, so far?
_Ra. _ It is not a Stone's Throw off, but it seems two Miles to such an
idle Fellow as you; but however, I'll save you as much Labour as I can,
you shall dispatch several Businesses in one Errand; count 'em upon your
Fingers, that mayn't forget any of 'em: First of all step to the
Salesman, and bring my water'd Camblet Doublet if it be done; then go
and enquire for _Cornelius_ the Waggoner, he's commonly at the Sign of
the _Roe-buck_, he uses that House, ask him if he has any Letters for
me, and what Day he sets out on his Journey; then go to the Woollen
Draper, and tell him from me, not to be uneasy, that I have not sent him
the Money at the Time appointed, for he shall have it in a very little
Time.
_Sy. _ When? To morrow come never?
_Ra. _ Do you grin you Pimp? Yes, before the first of _March_: And as you
come back, turn on the Left-hand, and go to the Bookseller, and enquire
of him, if there be any new Books come out of _Germany_, learn what they
are, and the Price of them; then desire _Goclenius_, to do me the Honour
to come to Supper with me, tell him I must sup by myself if he don't.
_Sy. _ What do you invite Guests too? You han't Victuals enough in the
House to give a Mouse a Meal.
_Ra. _ And when you have done all these, go to the Market, and buy a
Shoulder of Mutton, and get it nicely roasted: Do you hear this?
_Sy. _ I hear more than I like to hear.
_Ra. _ But take you Care you remember 'em all.
_Sy. _ I shall scarce be able to remember half of 'em.
_Ra. _ What do you stand loytering here, you idle Knave? You might have
been back before now.
_Sy. _ What one Person in the World can do all these? Truly I must wait
upon him out, and attend upon him home; I'm his Swabber, his
Chamberlain, his Footman, his Clerk, his Butler, his Book-keeper, his
Brawl, his Errand-boy, and last of all he does not think I have Business
enough upon my Hands, unless I am his Cook too.
* * * * *
_3. Concerning Riding. _
_Ra. _ Bring me my Boots, I am to ride out.
_Sy. _ Here they are, Sir.
_Ra. _ You have look'd after them bravely, they are all over mouldy with
lying by; I believe they han't been clean'd nor greased this twelve
Months Day; they are so dry, they chap again; wipe them with a wet
Cloth, and liquor them well before the Fire, and chafe them till they
grow soft.
_Sy. _ It shall be done, Sir.
_Ra. _ Where are my Spurs?
_Sy. _ Here they are.
_Ra. _ Ay, here they are indeed, but all eaten up with Rust. Where is my
Bridle and Saddle?
_Sy. _ They are just by.
_Ra. _ See that nothing is wanting or broken, or ready to break, that
nothing may be a Hinderance to us, when we are upon our Journey. Run to
the Sadlers, and get him to mend that Rein: When you come back, look
upon the Horses Feet, and Shoes, and see if there be any Nails wanting,
or loose. How lean and rough these Horses are! How often do you rub 'em
down, or kemb them in a Year?
_Sy. _ I'm sure I do it every Day?
_Ra. _ That may be seen, I believe they have not had a bit of Victuals
for three Days together.
_Sy. _ Indeed they have, Sir.
_Ra. _ You say so, but the Horses would tell me another Tale, if they
could but speak: Though indeed their Leanness speaks loud enough.
_Sy. _ Indeed I take all the Care in the World of 'em.
_Ra. _ How comes it about then, that they don't look as well as you do?
_Sy. _ Because I don't eat Hay.
_Ra. _ You have this to do still; make ready my Portmanteau quickly.
_Sy. _ It shall be done.
_The SCHOOL-MASTER'S ADMONITIONS. _
The ARGUMENT.
_The School-master's Instructions teach a Boy Modesty,
Civility, and Manners becoming his Age, in what Posture
he ought to stand while he talks to his Superiors;
concerning Habit, Discourse, and Behaviour at Table and
in School. _
_The School-master and Boy. _
_Sch. _ You seem not to have been bred at Court, but in a Cow-stall; you
behave yourself so clownishly. A Gentleman ought to behave himself like
a Gentleman. As often or whenever any one that is your Superior speaks
to you, stand strait, pull off your Hat, and look neither doggedly,
surlily, saucily, malapertly, nor unsettledly, but with a staid, modest,
pleasant Air in your Countenance, and a bashful Look fix'd upon the
Person who speaks to you; your Feet set close one by t'other; your Hands
without Action: Don't stand titter, totter, first standing upon one
Foot, and then upon another, nor playing with your Fingers, biting your
Lip, scratching your Head, or picking your Ears: Let your Cloaths be put
on tight and neat, that your whole Dress, Air, Motion and Habit, may
bespeak a modest and bashful Temper.
_Bo. _ What if I shall try, Sir?
_Ma. _ Do so.
_Bo. _ Is this right?
_Ma. _ Not quite.
_Bo. _ Must I do so?
_Ma. _ That's pretty well.
_Bo. _ Must I stand so?
_Ma. _ Ay, that's very well, remember that Posture; don't be a Prittle
prattle, nor Prate apace, nor be a minding any Thing but what is said to
you. If you are to make an Answer, do it in few Words, and to the
Purpose, every now and then prefacing with some Title of Respect, and
sometimes use a Title of Honour, and now and then make a Bow, especially
when you have done speaking: Nor do you go away without asking Leave, or
being bid to go: Now come let me see how you can practise this. How long
have you been from Home?
_Bo. _ Almost six Months.
_Ma. _ You should have said, Sir.
_Bo. _ Almost six Months, Sir.
_Ma. _ Don't you long to see your Mother?
_Bo. _ Yes, sometimes.
_Ma. _ Have you a Mind to go to see her?
_Bo. _ Yes, with your Leave, Sir.
_Ma. _ Now you should have made a Bow; that's very well, remember to do
so; when you speak, don't speak fast, stammer, or speak in your Throat,
but use yourself to pronounce your Words distinctly and clearly. If you
pass by any ancient Person, a Magistrate, a Minister, or Doctor, or any
Person of Figure, be sure to pull off your Hat, and make your Reverence:
Do the same when you pass by any sacred Place, or the Image of the
Cross. When you are at a Feast, behave yourself chearfully, but always
so as to remember what becomes your Age: Serve yourself last; and if any
nice Bit be offer'd you, refuse it modestly; but if they press it upon
you, take it, and thank the Person, and cutting off a Bit of it, offer
the rest either to him that gave it you, or to him that sits next to
you. If any Body drinks to you merrily, thank him, and drink moderately.
If you don't care to drink, however, kiss the Cup. Look pleasantly upon
him that speaks to you; and be sure not to speak till you are spoken to.
If any Thing that is obscene be said, don't laugh at it, but keep your
Countenance, as though you did not understand it; don't reflect on any
Body, nor take place of any Body, nor boast of any Thing of your own,
nor undervalue any Thing of another Bodies. Be courteous to your
Companions that are your Inferiors; traduce no Body; don't be a Blab
with your Tongue, and by this Means you'll get a good Character, and
gain Friends without Envy. If the Entertainment shall be long, desire to
be excus'd, bid much good may it do the Guests, and withdraw from Table:
See that you remember these Things.
_Bo. _ I'll do my Endeavour, Sir. Is there any Thing else you'd have me
do?
_Ma. _ Now go to your Books.
_Bo. _ Yes, Sir.
Impieties of a Military Life are here laid open, by this
Confession of a Soldier, that Youth may be put out of
Conceit of going into the Army. _
HANNO, THRASYMACHUS.
_Hanno. _ How comes it about that you that went away a _Mercury_, come
back a _Vulcan_?
_Thr. _ What do you talk to me of your _Mercuries_ and your _Vulcans_
for?
_Ha. _ Because you seem'd to be ready to fly when you went away, but
you're come limping Home.
_Thr. _ I'm come back like a Soldier then.
_Ha. _ You a Soldier, that would out-run a Stag if an Enemy were at your
Heels.
_Thr. _ The Hope of Booty made me valiant.
_Ha. _ Well, have you brought Home a good Deal of Plunder then?
_Thr. _ Empty Pockets.
_Ha. _ Then you were the lighter for travelling.
_Thr. _ But I was heavy loaden with Sin.
_Ha. _ That's heavy Luggage indeed, if the Prophet says right, who calls
Sin Lead.
_Thr. _ I have seen and had a Hand in more Villanies this Campaign than
in the whole Course of my Life before.
_Ha. _ How do you like a Soldier's Life?
_Thr. _ There is no Course of Life in the. World more wicked or more
wretched.
_Ha. _ What then must be in the Minds of those People, that for the Sake
of a little Money, and some out of Curiosity, make as much Haste to a
Battel as to a Banquet?
_Thr. _ In Truth, I can think no other but they are possess'd; for if the
Devil were not in them they would never anticipate their Fate.
_Ha. _ So one would think, for if you'd put 'em upon any honest Business,
they'll scarce stir a Foot in it for any Money. But tell me, how went
the Battel? Who got the better on't?
_Thr. _ There was such a Hallooing, Hurly-burly, Noise of Guns, Trumpets
and Drums, Neighing of Horses, and Shouting of Men, that I was so far
from knowing what others were a doing, that I scarcely knew where I was
myself.
_Ha. _ How comes it about then that others, after a Fight is over, do
paint you out every Circumstance so to the Life, and tell you what such
an Officer said, and what t'other did, as tho' they had been nothing but
Lookers on all the Time, and had been every where at the same Time?
_Thr. _ It is my Opinion that they lye confoundedly. I can tell you what
was done in my own Tent, but as to what was done in the Battel, I know
nothing at all of that.
_Ha. _ Don't you know how you came to be lame neither?
_Thr. _ Scarce that upon my Honour, but I suppose my Knee was hurt by a
Stone, or a Horse-heel, or so.
_Ha. _ Well, but I can tell you.
_Thr. _ You tell me? Why, has any Body told you?
_Ha. _ No, but I guess.
_Thr. _ Tell me then.
_Ha. _ When you were running away in a Fright, you fell down and hit it
against a Stone.
_Thr. _ Let me die if you han't hit the Nail on the Head.
_Ha. _ Go, get you Home, and tell your Wife of your Exploits.
_Thr. _ She'll read me a Juniper-Lecture for coming Home in such a
Pickle.
_Ha. _ But what Restitution will you make for what you have stolen?
_Thr. _ That's made already.
_Ha. _ To whom?
_Thr. _ Why, to Whores, Sutlers, and Gamesters.
_Ha. _ That's like a Soldier for all the World, it's but just that what's
got over the Devil's Back should be spent under his Belly.
_Ha. _ But I hope you have kept your Fingers all this While from
Sacrilege?
_Thr. _ There's nothing sacred in Hostility, there we neither spare
private Houses nor Churches.
_Ha. _ How will you make Satisfaction?
_Thr. _ They say there is no Satisfaction to be made for what is done in
War, for all Things are lawful there.
_Ha. _ You mean by the Law of Arms, I suppose?
_Thr. _ You are right.
_Ha. _ But that Law is the highest Injustice. It was not the Love of your
Country, but the Love of Booty that made you a Soldier.
_Thr. _ I confess so, and I believe very few go into the Army with any
better Design.
_Ha. _ It is indeed some Excuse to be mad with the greater Part of
Mankind.
_Thr. _ I have heard a Parson say in his Pulpit that War was lawful.
_Ha. _ Pulpits indeed are the Oracles of Truth. But War may be lawful for
a Prince, and yet not so for you.
_Thr. _ I have heard that every Man must live by his Trade.
_Ha. _ A very honourable Trade indeed to burn Houses, rob Churches,
ravish Nuns, plunder the Poor, and murder the Innocent!
_Thr. _ Butchers are hired to kill Beasts; and why is our Trade found
Fault with who are hired to kill Men?
_Ha. _ But was you never thoughtful what should become of your Soul if
you happen'd to be kill'd in the Battel?
_Thr. _ Not very much; I was very well satisfied in my Mind, having once
for all commended myself to St. _Barbara_.
_Ha. _ And did she take you under her Protection?
_Thr. _ I fancied so, for methought she gave me a little Nod.
_Ha. _ What Time was it? In the Morning?
_Thr. _ No, no, 'twas after Supper.
_Ha. _ And by that Time I suppose the Trees seem'd to walk too?
_Thr. _ How this Man guesses every Thing! But St. _Christopher_ was the
Saint I most depended on, whose Picture I had always in my Eye.
_Ha. _ What in your Tent?
_Thr. _ We had drawn him with Charcoal upon our Sail-cloth.
_Thr. _ Then to be sure that _Christopher_ the Collier was a sure Card to
trust to? But without jesting, I don't see how you can expect to be
forgiven all these Villanies, unless you go to _Rome_.
_Thr. _ Yes, I can, I know a shorter Way than that.
_Ha. _ What Way is that?
_Thr. _ I'll go to the _Dominicans_, and there I can do my Business with
the Commissaries for a Trifle.
_Ha. _ What, for Sacrilege?
_Thr. _ Ay, if I had robb'd Christ himself, and cut off his Head
afterwards, they have Pardons would reach it, and Commissions large
enough to compound for it.
_Ha. _ That is well indeed, if God should ratify your Composition.
_Thr. _ Nay, I am rather afraid the Devil should not ratify it; God is of
a forgiving Nature.
_Ha. _ What Priest will you get you?
_Thr. _ One that I know has but little Modesty or Honesty.
_Ha. _ Like to like. And when that's over, you'll go strait away to the
Communion, like a good Christian, will you not?
_Thr. _ Why should I not? For after I have once discharg'd the Jakes of
my Sins into his Cowl, and unburden'd myself of my Luggage, let him look
to it that absolv'd me.
_Ha. _ But how can you be sure that he does absolve you?
_Thr. _ I know that well enough.
_Ha. _ How do you know it?
_Thr. _ Because he lays his Hand upon my Head and mutters over something,
I don't know what.
_Ha. _ What if he should give you all your Sins again when he lays his
Hand upon your Head, and these should be the Words he mutters to
himself? _I absolve thee from all thy good Deeds, of which I find few or
none in thee; I restore thee to thy wonted Manners, and leave thee just
as I found thee_.
_Thr. _ Let him look to what he says, it is enough for me that I believe
I am absolv'd.
_Ha. _ But you run a great Hazard by that Belief, for perhaps that will
not be Satisfaction to God, to whom thou art indebted.
_Thr. _ Who a Mischief put you in my Way to disturb my Conscience, which
was very quiet before?
_Ha. _ Nay, I think it is a very happy Encounter to meet a Friend that
gives good Advice.
_Thr. _ I can't tell how good it is, but I am sure it is not very
pleasant.
_The COMMANDS OF A MASTER. _
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy treats of the Commands of a Master, and
the Business of a Servant, 1. The Master calls up his
sleepy Servant, commands him to set the House to rights;
the Servant answers again, that he speaks not a Word
about Dinner, &c. 2. Of sending him on various Errands.
3. Concerning Riding_.
1. _Of calling up the Sleeper. _
RABANUS, SYRUS.
_RA. _ Soho, soho, Rascal, I am hoarse a bawling to you, and you lye
snoring still, you'll sleep for ever I think in my Conscience; either
get up presently or I'll rouze you with a good Cudgel. When will you
have slept out your Yesterday's Debauch? Are you not asham'd, you sleepy
Sot, to lye a-bed till this time of Day? Good Servants rise as soon as
it is Day, and take Care to get every Thing in order before their Master
rises. How loth this Drone is to leave his warm Nest! he is a whole Hour
a scratching, and stretching, and yawning.
_Sy. _ It is scarce Day yet.
_Ra.
_ I believe not to you; it is Midnight yet to your Eyes.
_Sy. _ What do you want me to do?
_Ra. _ Make the Fire burn, brush my Cap and Cloke, clean my Shoes and
Galloshoes, take my Stockings and turn them inside out, and brush them
well, first within, and then without, burn a little Perfume to sweeten
the Air, light a Candle, give me a clean Shirt, air it well before a
clear Fire.
_Sy. _ It shall be done Sir.
_Ra. _ But make Haste then, all this ought to have been done before now.
_Sy. _ I do make Haste Sir.
_Ra. _ I see what Haste you make, you are never the forwarder, you go a
Snail's Gallop.
_Sy. _ Sir, I cannot do two Things at once.
_Ra. _ You Scoundrel, do you speak Sentences too? Take away the
Chamber-Pot, lay the Bed-Clothes to Rights, draw back the Curtains,
sweep the House, sweep the Chamber-floor, fetch me some Water to wash my
Hands. What are you a sliving about you Drone? You are a Year a lighting
a Candle.
_Sy. _ I can't find a Spark of Fire.
_Ra. _ Is it so you rak'd it up last Night?
_Sy. _ I have no Bellows.
_Ra. _ How the Knave thwarts me, as if he that has you can want Bellows.
_Sy. _ What an imperious Master have I gotten! Ten of the nimblest
Fellows in the World are scarce sufficient to perform his Orders.
_Ra. _ What's that you say you slow-Back?
_Sy. _ Nothing at all, Sir.
_Ra. _ No, Sirrah, did I not hear you mutter?
_Sy. _ I was saying my Prayers.
_Ra. _ Ay, I believe so, but it was the Lord's-Prayer backwards then.
Pray, what was that you were chattering about Imperiousness?
_Sy. _ I was wishing you might be an Emperor.
_Ra. _ And I wish you may be made a Man of a Stump of a Tree. Wait upon
me to Church, and then run Home and make the Bed, and put every Thing in
its Place; let the House be set to Rights from Top to Bottom, rub the
Chamber-Pot, put these foul Things out of Sight, perhaps I may have
some Gentry come to pay me a Visit; if I find any Thing out of Order
I'll thresh you soundly.
_Sy. _ I know your good Humour well enough in that Matter.
_Ra. _ Then it behoves you to look about you, if you are wise.
_Sy. _ But all this while here is not one Word about Dinner.
_Ra. _ Out you Villain, one may see what your Mind runs on. I don't dine
at Home, therefore come to me a little before Ten a-Clock, that you may
wait upon me where I am to go to Dinner.
_Sy. _ You have taken Care of yourself, but there is not a Bit of Bread
for me to put into my Head.
_Ra. _ If you have nothing to eat, you have something to hunger after.
_Sy. _ But Fasting won't fill the Belly.
_Ra. _ There is Bread for you.
_Sy. _ There is so, but it is as black as my Hat, and as coarse as the
Bran itself.
_Ra. _ You dainty chap'd Fellow, you ought to be fed with Hay, if you had
such Commons as you deserve. What, I warrant you, Mr. Ass, you must be
fed with Plumb Cakes, must you? If you can't eat dry Bread, take a Leek
to eat with it, or an Onion, if you like that better.
* * * * *
_2. Of sending about various Businesses. _
_Ra. _ You must go to Market.
_Sy. _ What, so far?
_Ra. _ It is not a Stone's Throw off, but it seems two Miles to such an
idle Fellow as you; but however, I'll save you as much Labour as I can,
you shall dispatch several Businesses in one Errand; count 'em upon your
Fingers, that mayn't forget any of 'em: First of all step to the
Salesman, and bring my water'd Camblet Doublet if it be done; then go
and enquire for _Cornelius_ the Waggoner, he's commonly at the Sign of
the _Roe-buck_, he uses that House, ask him if he has any Letters for
me, and what Day he sets out on his Journey; then go to the Woollen
Draper, and tell him from me, not to be uneasy, that I have not sent him
the Money at the Time appointed, for he shall have it in a very little
Time.
_Sy. _ When? To morrow come never?
_Ra. _ Do you grin you Pimp? Yes, before the first of _March_: And as you
come back, turn on the Left-hand, and go to the Bookseller, and enquire
of him, if there be any new Books come out of _Germany_, learn what they
are, and the Price of them; then desire _Goclenius_, to do me the Honour
to come to Supper with me, tell him I must sup by myself if he don't.
_Sy. _ What do you invite Guests too? You han't Victuals enough in the
House to give a Mouse a Meal.
_Ra. _ And when you have done all these, go to the Market, and buy a
Shoulder of Mutton, and get it nicely roasted: Do you hear this?
_Sy. _ I hear more than I like to hear.
_Ra. _ But take you Care you remember 'em all.
_Sy. _ I shall scarce be able to remember half of 'em.
_Ra. _ What do you stand loytering here, you idle Knave? You might have
been back before now.
_Sy. _ What one Person in the World can do all these? Truly I must wait
upon him out, and attend upon him home; I'm his Swabber, his
Chamberlain, his Footman, his Clerk, his Butler, his Book-keeper, his
Brawl, his Errand-boy, and last of all he does not think I have Business
enough upon my Hands, unless I am his Cook too.
* * * * *
_3. Concerning Riding. _
_Ra. _ Bring me my Boots, I am to ride out.
_Sy. _ Here they are, Sir.
_Ra. _ You have look'd after them bravely, they are all over mouldy with
lying by; I believe they han't been clean'd nor greased this twelve
Months Day; they are so dry, they chap again; wipe them with a wet
Cloth, and liquor them well before the Fire, and chafe them till they
grow soft.
_Sy. _ It shall be done, Sir.
_Ra. _ Where are my Spurs?
_Sy. _ Here they are.
_Ra. _ Ay, here they are indeed, but all eaten up with Rust. Where is my
Bridle and Saddle?
_Sy. _ They are just by.
_Ra. _ See that nothing is wanting or broken, or ready to break, that
nothing may be a Hinderance to us, when we are upon our Journey. Run to
the Sadlers, and get him to mend that Rein: When you come back, look
upon the Horses Feet, and Shoes, and see if there be any Nails wanting,
or loose. How lean and rough these Horses are! How often do you rub 'em
down, or kemb them in a Year?
_Sy. _ I'm sure I do it every Day?
_Ra. _ That may be seen, I believe they have not had a bit of Victuals
for three Days together.
_Sy. _ Indeed they have, Sir.
_Ra. _ You say so, but the Horses would tell me another Tale, if they
could but speak: Though indeed their Leanness speaks loud enough.
_Sy. _ Indeed I take all the Care in the World of 'em.
_Ra. _ How comes it about then, that they don't look as well as you do?
_Sy. _ Because I don't eat Hay.
_Ra. _ You have this to do still; make ready my Portmanteau quickly.
_Sy. _ It shall be done.
_The SCHOOL-MASTER'S ADMONITIONS. _
The ARGUMENT.
_The School-master's Instructions teach a Boy Modesty,
Civility, and Manners becoming his Age, in what Posture
he ought to stand while he talks to his Superiors;
concerning Habit, Discourse, and Behaviour at Table and
in School. _
_The School-master and Boy. _
_Sch. _ You seem not to have been bred at Court, but in a Cow-stall; you
behave yourself so clownishly. A Gentleman ought to behave himself like
a Gentleman. As often or whenever any one that is your Superior speaks
to you, stand strait, pull off your Hat, and look neither doggedly,
surlily, saucily, malapertly, nor unsettledly, but with a staid, modest,
pleasant Air in your Countenance, and a bashful Look fix'd upon the
Person who speaks to you; your Feet set close one by t'other; your Hands
without Action: Don't stand titter, totter, first standing upon one
Foot, and then upon another, nor playing with your Fingers, biting your
Lip, scratching your Head, or picking your Ears: Let your Cloaths be put
on tight and neat, that your whole Dress, Air, Motion and Habit, may
bespeak a modest and bashful Temper.
_Bo. _ What if I shall try, Sir?
_Ma. _ Do so.
_Bo. _ Is this right?
_Ma. _ Not quite.
_Bo. _ Must I do so?
_Ma. _ That's pretty well.
_Bo. _ Must I stand so?
_Ma. _ Ay, that's very well, remember that Posture; don't be a Prittle
prattle, nor Prate apace, nor be a minding any Thing but what is said to
you. If you are to make an Answer, do it in few Words, and to the
Purpose, every now and then prefacing with some Title of Respect, and
sometimes use a Title of Honour, and now and then make a Bow, especially
when you have done speaking: Nor do you go away without asking Leave, or
being bid to go: Now come let me see how you can practise this. How long
have you been from Home?
_Bo. _ Almost six Months.
_Ma. _ You should have said, Sir.
_Bo. _ Almost six Months, Sir.
_Ma. _ Don't you long to see your Mother?
_Bo. _ Yes, sometimes.
_Ma. _ Have you a Mind to go to see her?
_Bo. _ Yes, with your Leave, Sir.
_Ma. _ Now you should have made a Bow; that's very well, remember to do
so; when you speak, don't speak fast, stammer, or speak in your Throat,
but use yourself to pronounce your Words distinctly and clearly. If you
pass by any ancient Person, a Magistrate, a Minister, or Doctor, or any
Person of Figure, be sure to pull off your Hat, and make your Reverence:
Do the same when you pass by any sacred Place, or the Image of the
Cross. When you are at a Feast, behave yourself chearfully, but always
so as to remember what becomes your Age: Serve yourself last; and if any
nice Bit be offer'd you, refuse it modestly; but if they press it upon
you, take it, and thank the Person, and cutting off a Bit of it, offer
the rest either to him that gave it you, or to him that sits next to
you. If any Body drinks to you merrily, thank him, and drink moderately.
If you don't care to drink, however, kiss the Cup. Look pleasantly upon
him that speaks to you; and be sure not to speak till you are spoken to.
If any Thing that is obscene be said, don't laugh at it, but keep your
Countenance, as though you did not understand it; don't reflect on any
Body, nor take place of any Body, nor boast of any Thing of your own,
nor undervalue any Thing of another Bodies. Be courteous to your
Companions that are your Inferiors; traduce no Body; don't be a Blab
with your Tongue, and by this Means you'll get a good Character, and
gain Friends without Envy. If the Entertainment shall be long, desire to
be excus'd, bid much good may it do the Guests, and withdraw from Table:
See that you remember these Things.
_Bo. _ I'll do my Endeavour, Sir. Is there any Thing else you'd have me
do?
_Ma. _ Now go to your Books.
_Bo. _ Yes, Sir.
