No More Learning

Who, I, my lord? I hope her ladyship has a better opinion
of me than so.

_Non_. What! are not you in love with my daughter? I'll be sworn
you told me so but even now: I'll eat words for no man.

_Tim_. If your ladyship will believe all reports, that are raised
on men of quality--

_Non_. He told it me with his own mouth, child: I'll eat words
for no man; that's more than ever I told him yet.

_Fail_. You told him so but just now; fie, Sir Timorous.

_Non_. He shall have no daughter of mine, an he were a thousand
knights; he told me, he hoped I would speak for him: I'll eat no man's
words; that's more than ever I told him yet.

_Isa_. You need not keep such a pudder about eating his words;
you see he has eaten 'em already for you.

_Non_. I'll make him stand to his words, and he shall not marry
my daughter neither: By this good day, I will. [_Exit_ NONSUCH.

_Const_. 'Tis an ill day to him; he has lost two hundred and
fifty pounds in't. [_To_ ISABELLA.

_Burr_. He swears at the rate of two thousand pounds a year, if
the Rump act were still in being.

_Fail_. He's in passion, man; and, besides, he has been a great
fanatic formerly, and now has got a habit of swearing, that he may be
thought a cavalier.

_Burr_. What noise is that? I think I hear your cousin Trice's
voice.

_Fail_. I'll go see. [_Exit_ FAIL.

_Isa_. Come, Sir Timorous, be not discouraged: 'Tis but an old
man's frowardness; he's always thus against rain.

_Enter_ FAILER.

_Fail_. O madam, follow me quickly; and if you do not see sport,
melancholy be upon my head.

[_Exeunt_.


SCENE III.

_The_ SCENE _changes, and_ TRICE _is discovered playing at
tables by himself, with spectacles on, a bottle, and parmezan by him;
they return and see him, undiscovered by him_.

_Trice_. Cinque and quatre: My cinque I play here, sir; my quatre
here, sir: Now for you, sir: But first I'll drink to you, sir; upon my
faith I'll do you reason, sir: Mine was thus full, sir! Pray mind your
play, sir:--Size ace I have thrown: I'll play 'em at length, sir.

--Will you, sir? Then you have made a blot sir; I'll try if I can
enter: I have hit you, sir.

--I think you can cog a dye, sir.

--I cog a dye, sir? I play as fair as you, or any man.

--You lie, sir.

--How! lie, sir? I'll teach you what 'tis to give a gentleman the lie,
sir.

[_Throws down the tables_.

[_They all laugh and discover themselves_.

_Isa_. Is this your serious business?

_Trice_. O you rogue, are you there? You are welcome, huswife;
and so are you, Constance, _Fa tol de re tol de re la_. [_Claps
their backs_.

_Isa_. Pr'ythee be not so rude, Trice.

_Trice_. Huswife Constance, I'll have you into my larder, and
shew you my provision: I have cockles, dainty fat cockles, that came
in the night; if they had seen the day, I would not have given a fart
for 'em. I would the king had 'em.

_Const_. He has as good, I warrant you.

_Trice_. Nay, that's a lie. I could sit and cry for him
sometimes; he does not know what 'tis to eat a good meal in a whole
year. His cooks are asses: I have a delicate dish of ruffs to dinner,
sirrah.

_Const_. To dinner!

_Trice_. To dinner! why by supper they had been past their prime.
I'll tell thee the story of 'em: I have a friend--

_Enter Servant_.

_Serv_. Sir, dinner's upon the table.

_Trice_. Well, well; I have a friend, as I told you--

_Serv_. Dinner stays, sir: 'tis dinner that stays: Sure he will
hear now.

_Trice_. I have a friend, as I told you--

_Isa_. I believe he's your friend, you are so loth to part with
him.

_Trice_. Away, away;--I'll tell you the story between the
courses. Go you to the cook immediately, sirrah; and bring me word
what we have to supper, before we go to dinner: I love to have the
satisfaction of the day before me. [_Exeunt_.



ACT II. SCENE I.

_Enter, as from Dinner_, TRICE, TIMOROUS, FAILER, BURR,
CONSTANCE, ISABELLA.


_Trice_. Speak thy conscience; was it not well dressed, sirrah?

_Tim_. What think you of the Park, after our plenteous
entertainment, madam?

_Isa_. I defy the Park, and all its works.

_Const_. Come, Mr Trice, we'll walk in your garden.

[_Exeunt all but_ FAILER _and_ BURR.

_Fail_. O, one thing I had almost forgot to tell you; one of us
two must ever be near Sir Timorous.

_Burr_. Why?

_Fail_. To guard our interest in him from the enemy, madam
Isabella; who, I doubt, has designs upon him. I do not fear her wit,
but her sex; she carries a prevailing argument about her.

_Enter_ BIBBER _with a Bottle_.

_Bib_. By this hand, I have alight upon the best wine in your
cousin's cellar; drink but one glass to me, to shew I am welcome, and
I am gone.

_Fail_. Here then, honest Will; 'tis a cup of forbearance to
thee.

_Bib_. Thank you, sir, I'll pledge you--now here's to you again.

_Fail_. Come away; what is't, Will?

_Bib_. 'Tis what you christened it, a cup of forbearance, sir.

_Fail_. Why, I drank that to thee, Will, that thou shouldst
forbear thy money.

_Bib_. And I drink this to you, sir; henceforward I'll forbear
working for you.

_Fail_. Then say I:

_Take a little Bibber,
And threw him in the river;
And if he will trust never,
Then there let him lie ever. _

_Bib_. Then say I:

_Take a little Failer,
And throw him to the jailor;
And there let him lie,
Till he has paid his tailor. _

_Burr_. You are very smart upon one another, gentlemen.

_Fail_. This is nothing between us; I use to tell him of his
title, _Fiery facias_; and his setting dog, that runs into
ale-houses before him, and comes questing out again, if any of the
woots, his customers, be within.

_Bib_. I'faith 'tis true; and I use to tell him of his two
capon's tails about his hat, that are laid spread-eaglewise to make a
feather; I would go into the snow at any time, and in a quarter of
an hour I would come in with a better feather upon my head; and so
farewel, sir; I have had the better on you hitherto, and for this time
I am resolved to keep it.

[_Exit_ BIBBER.

_Fail_. The rogue's too hard for me; but the best on't is, I have
my revenge upon his purse.

_Enter_ ISABELLA.

_Isa_. Came not Sir Timorous this way, gentlemen? He left us in
the garden, and said he would look out my Lord Nonsuch, to make his
peace with him.

_Fail_. Madam, I like not your enquiring after Sir Timorous: I
suspect you have some design upon him: You would fain undermine your
cousin, and marry him yourself.

_Isa_. Suppose I should design it, what are you the worse for my
good fortune? Shall I make a proposition to you? I know you two carry
a great stroke with him: Make the match between us, and propound to
yourselves what advantages you can reasonably hope: You shall chouse
him of horses, cloaths, and money, and I'll wink at it.

_Burr_. And if he will not be choused, shall we beat him out
on't?

_Isa_. For that, as you can agree.

_Fail_. Give us a handsel of the bargain; let us enjoy you, and
'tis a match.

_Isa_. Grammercy i'faith, boys; I love a good offer, howe'er the
world goes; but you would not be so base to wrong him that way?

_Fail_. I vow to gad but I would, madam: In a horse, or a woman,
I may lawfully cheat my own father: Besides, I know the knight's
complexion; he would be sure to follow other women; and all that.

_Isa_. Nay, if he fought with the sword, he should give me leave
to fight with the scabbard.

_Burr_. What say you, madam? Is't a bargain?

_Isa_. 'Tis but a promise; and I have learnt a court trick
for performing any thing [_Aside_]. Well, gentlemen, when I am
married I'll think upon you; you'll grant there's a necessity I should
cuckold him, if it were but to prove myself a wit.

_Fail_. Nay, there's no doubt you'll cuckold him, and all that;
for look you, he's a person fit for nothing else; but I fear we shall
not have the graffing of the horns; we must have livery and seisin
beforehand of you, or I protest to gad we believe you not.

_Isa_. I have past my word; is't not sufficient? What! do you
think I would tell a lie to save such a paltry thing as a night's
lodging? --Hark you, sir. [To BURR.

_Fail_. Now will she attempt Burr; egad, she has found him out
for the weaker vessel.

_Isa_. I have no kindness for that Failer; we'll strike him out,
and manage Sir Timorous ourselves.

_Burr_. Indeed we won't.

_Isa_. Failer's a rook; and, besides, he's such a debauched
fellow--

_Burr_. I am ten times worse.

_Isa_. Leave it, and him that taught it you: You have virtuous
inclinations, and I would not have you ruin yourself. He, that serves
many mistresses, surfeits on his diet, and grows dead to the whole
sex: 'Tis the folly in the world next long ears and braying.

_Burr_. Now I'm sure you have a mind to me; when a woman once
falls a preaching, the next thing is ever use and application.

_Isa_. Forbear your rudeness! --

_Burr_. Then I am sure you mean to jilt me: You decline Failer,
because he has wit; and you think me such an ass, that you may pack me
off so soon as you are married; no, no, I'll not venture certainties
for uncertainties.

_Isa_. I can hold no longer;--Mr Failer, what do you think this
fellow was saying of you?

_Fail_. Of me, madam?

_Isa_. That you were one of the arrantest cowards in Christendom,
though you went for one of the Dear Hearts; that your name had been
upon more posts than playbills; and that he had been acquainted with
you these seven years, drunk and sober, and yet could never fasten a
quarrel upon you.

_Burr_. Do you believe this, dear heart?

_Isa_. If you deny it, I'll take his sword, and force you to
confess it.

_Fail_.
I vow to gad; this will not do, madam: You shall not set
us at variance so easily; neither shall you have Sir Timorous.

_Isa_. No! then mark my words: I'll marry him in spite of you;
and, which is worse, you shall both work my ends, and I'll discard you
for your pains.

_Fail_. You shall not touch a bit of him: I'll preserve his
humbles from you, egad; they shall be his keeper's fees[A].

[Footnote A: The keeper of a royal forest had for his fees the skin,
head, umbles (_i. e. _ inwards), chine, and shoulders. HOLINSHED'S
_Chronicle_, vol. i. p. 104. ]

_Burr_. She shall cut an atom sooner than divide us.
[_Exeunt_ BURR _and_ FAILER.

_Enter_ CONSTANCE.

_Const_. I have given 'em the slip in the garden, to come and
overhear thee: No fat overgrown virgin of forty ever offered herself
so dog-cheap, or was more despised; methinks now this should mortify
thee exceedingly.

_Isa_. Not a whit the more for that: Cousin mine, our sex is not
so easily put out of conceit with our own beauties.

_Const_. Thou hast lost the opinion of thy honesty, and got
nothing in recompence: Now that's such an oversight in a lady--

_Isa_. You are deceived; they think me too virtuous for their
purpose; but I have yet another way to try, and you shall help me.

_Enter_ LOVEBY, _new habited_.

_Const_. Mr Loveby, welcome, welcome: Where have you been this
fortnight?

_Lov_. Faith, madam, out of town, to see a little thing that's
fallen to me upon the death of a grandmother.

_Const_. You thank death for the windfall, servant: But why are
you not in mourning for her?

_Lov_. Troth, madam, it came upon me so suddenly, I had not time:
'Twas a fortune utterly unexpected by me.

_Isa_. Why, was your grandmother so young, you could not look for
her decease?

_Lov_. Not for that neither; but I had many other kindred, whom
she might have left it to; only she heard I lived here in fashion, and
spent my money in the eye of the world.

_Const_. You forge these things prettily; but I have heard you
are as poor as a decimated cavalier, and had not one foot of land in
all the world.

_Lov_. Rivals' tales, rivals' tales, madam.

_Const_. Where lies your land, sir?

_Lov_. I'll tell you, madam, it has upon it a very fair manor
house; from one side you have in prospect an hanging garden.

_Isa_. Who was hanged there? not your grandmother, I hope?

_Lov_. In the midst of it you have a fountain: You have seen
that at Hampton-court? it will serve to give you a slight image of
it. Beyond the garden you look to a river through a perspective of
fruit-trees; and beyond the river you see a mead so flowery! --Well, I
shall never be at quiet, till we two make hay there.

_Const_. But where lies this paradise?

_Lov_. Pox on't; I am thinking to sell it, it has such a
villanous unpleasant name, it would have sounded so harsh in a lady's
ear. But for the fountain, madam--

_Const_. The fountain's a poor excuse, it will not hold water;
come, the name, the name.

_Lov_. Faith, it is come so lately into my hands, that I have
forgot the name on't.

_Isa_. That's much, now, that you should forget the name, and yet
could make such an exact description of the place.

_Lov_. If you would needs know, the name's Bawdy. --Sure this
will give a stop to their curiosity. [_Aside_.

_Isa_. At least you will tell us in what county it lies, that my
cousin may send to enquire about it: come, this shall not serve your
turn; tell us any town that's near it.

_Lov_. 'Twill be somewhat too far to send; it lies in the very
north of Scotland.

_Isa_. In good time, a paradise in the Highlands; is't not so,
sir?

_Const_. It seems you went post, servant: in troth you are a rank
rider, to go to the north of Scotland, stay and take possession, and
return again, in ten days time.

_Isa_. I never knew your grandmother was a Scotch woman: Is
she not a Tartar too? Pray whistle for her, and let's see her dance;
come--whist, grannee!

_Const_. Fie, fie, servant; what, no invention in you? all this
while a-studying for a name of your manor? come, come, where lies it?
tell me.

_Lov_. No, faith, I am wiser than so; I'll discover my seat to no
man; so I shall have some damned lawyer keep a prying into my title,
to defeat me of it.

_Const_. How then shall I be satisfied, there is such a thing in
nature?

_Lov_. Tell me what jewel you would wear, and you shall have it:
Enquire into my money, there's the trial.

_Const_. Since you are so flush, sir, you shall give me a locket
of diamonds, of three hundred pounds.

_Isa_. That was too severe; you know he has but two hundred and
fifty pounds to bestow. [_To her.

Lov_. Well, you shall have it, madam: But I cannot higgle; I know
you'll say it did not cost above two hundred pieces.

_Isa_. I'll be hanged if he does not present you with a parcel of
melted flints set in gold, or Norfolk pebbles.

_Lov_. Little gentlewoman, you are so keen--Madam, this night
I have appointed business, to-morrow I'll wait upon you with it.
[_Exit_ LOVEBY.

_Isa_. By that time he has bought his locket, and paid his
landlady, all his money will be gone. But do you mean to prosecute
your plot to see him this evening?

_Const_. Yes, and that very privately; if my father know it, I am
undone.

_Enter_ SETSTONE.

_Isa_. I heard him say, this night he had appointed business.

_Set_. Why, that was it, madam; according to your order, I put on
a disguise, and found him in the Temple-walks: Having drawn him aside,
I told him, if he expected happiness, he must meet me in a blind
alley, I nam'd to him, on the back side of Mr Trice's house, just at
the close of evening; there he should be satisfied from whom he had
his supplies of money.

_Const_. And how did he receive the summons?

_Set_. Like a bold Hector of Troy; without the least doubt or
scruple: But, the jest on't was, he would needs believe that I was the
devil.

_Const_. Sure he was afraid to come then?

_Set_. Quite contrary; he told me I need not be so shy, to
acknowledge myself to him; he knew I was the devil; but he had learnt
so much civility, as not to press his friend to a farther discovery
than he was pleased. I should see I had to do with a gentleman; and
any courtesy I should confer on him, he would not be unthankful; for
he hated ingratitude of all things.

_Const_. 'Twas well carried not to disabuse him: I laugh to
think what sport I shall have anon, when I convince him of his lies,
and let him know I was the devil, to whom he was beholden for his
money: Go, Setstone; and in the same disguise be ready for him.
[_Exit_ SETSTONE.

_Isa_. How dare you trust this fellow?

_Const_. I must trust some body: Gain has made him mine, and now
fear will keep him faithful.

_To them_, BURR, FAILER, TIMOROUS, TRICE, _and_ NONSUCH.

_Fail_. Pray, my lord, take no pique at it: 'Tis not given to all
men to be confident: Egad, you shall see Sir Timorous will redeem all
upon the next occasion.

_Non_. A raw miching boy.

_Isa_. And what are you but an old boy of five and fifty? I never
knew any thing so humoursome--I warrant you, Sir Timorous; I'll speak
for you.

_Non_. Would'st thou have me be friends with him? for thy sake
he shall only add five hundred a-year to her jointure, and I'll be
satisfied: Come you hither, sir.

[_Here_ TRICE _and_ NONSUCH _and_ TIMOROUS _talk
privately_; BURR _with_ FAILER _apart_, CONSTANCE
_with_ ISABELLA.

_Const_. You'll not find your account in this trick to get Failer
beaten; 'tis too palpable and open.

_Isa_. I warrant you 'twill pass upon Burr for a time: So my
revenge and your interest will go on together.

_Fail_. Burr, there's mischief a-brewing, I know it by their
whispering, I vow to gad: Look to yourself, their design is on you;
for my part, I am a person that am above 'em.

_Tim_. to _Trice_. But then you must speak for me, Mr Trice:
and you too, my lord.

_Non_. If you deny't again, I'll beat you; look to't, boy.

_Trice_. Come on; I'll make the bargain.

_Isa_. You were ever good in a flesh-market.

_Trice_. Come, you little harlotry; what satisfaction can you
give me for running away before the ruffs came in?

_Const_. Why, I left you to 'em, that ever invite your own belly
to the greatest part of all your feasts.

_Trice_. I have brought you a knight here, huswife, with a
plentiful fortune to furnish out a table; and what would you more?
Would you be an angel in heaven?

_Isa_. Your mind's ever upon your belly.

_Trice_. No: 'tis sometimes upon yours: But, what say'st thou to
sir Timorous, little Constance?

_Const_. Would you have me married to that king Midas's face?

_Trice_. Midas me no Midas; he's a wit; he understands eating and
drinking well: _Poeta coquus_, the heathen philosopher could tell
you that.

_Const_. Come on, sir: what's your will with me? [_Laughs_.

_Tim_. Why, madam, I could only wish we were a little better
acquainted, that we might not laugh at one another so.

_Const_. If the fool puts forward, I am undone.

_Tim_. Fool! --do you know me, madam?

_Const_. You may see I know you, because I call you by your name.

_Fail_. You must endure these rebukes with patience, Sir
Timorous.

_Const_. What, are you planet struck? Look you, my lord, the
gentleman's tongue-tied.

_Non_. This is past enduring.

_Fail_. 'Tis nothing, my lord;--courage, Sir Timorous.

_Non_. I say 'tis past enduring; that's more than ever I told you
yet: Do you come to make a fool of my daughter?

_Isa_. Why lord--

_Non_. Why lady--[_Exit_ NONSUCH.

_Trice_. Let's follow the old man, and pacify him.

_Isa_. Now, cousin,--[_Exeunt_ ISA. TRICE, BURR.

_Const_.