No More Learning

HONEYW. My best friend—my friend Mr. Lofty, madam.

MISS RICH. He, sir!

HONEYW. Yes, he, madam. He is, indeed, what your warmest wishes might
have formed him. And to his other qualities, he adds that of the most
passionate regard for you.

MISS RICH. Amazement! —No more of this, I beg you, sir.

HONEYW. I see your confusion, madam, and know how to interpret it. And
since I so plainly read the language of your heart, shall I make my
friend happy, by communicating your sentiments?

MISS RICH. By no means.

HONEYW. Excuse me; I must—I know you desire it.

MISS RICH. Mr. Honeywood, let me tell you, that you wrong my sentiments
and yourself. When I first applied to your friendship, I expected
advice and assistance; but now, sir, I see that it is vain to expect
happiness from him who has been so bad an economist of his own; and
that I must disclaim his friendship who ceases to be a friend to
himself.

[_Exit. _

HONEYW. How is this? she has confessed she loved him, and yet she
seemed to part in displeasure. Can I have done anything to reproach
myself with? No, I believe not; yet, after all, these things should not
be done by a third person; I should have spared her confusion. My
friendship carried me a little too far.

_Enter_ CROAKER, _with the letter in his hand, and_ MRS. CROAKER.

MRS. CROAKER. Ha, ha, ha! And so my dear, it's your supreme wish that I
should be quite wretched upon this occasion? Ha, ha!

CROAKER (_mimicking_). Ha, ha, ha! and so, my dear, it's your supreme
pleasure to give me no better consolation?

MRS. CROAKER. Positively, my dear, what is this incendiary stuff and
trumpery to me? Our house may travel through the air like the house of
Loretto, for aught I care, if I'm to be miserable in it.

CROAKER. Would to heaven it were converted into a house of correction
for your benefit! Have we not everything to alarm us? Perhaps, this
very moment the tragedy is beginning.

MRS. CROAKER. Then let us reserve our distress till the rising of the
curtain, or give them the money they want, and have done with them.

CROAKER. Give them my money! —and pray what right have they to my money?

MRS. CROAKER. And pray what right then have you to my good humour?

CROAKER. And so your good humour advises me to part with my money? Why,
then, to tell your good humour a piece of my mind, I'd sooner part with
my wife. Here's Mr. Honeywood, see what he'll say to it. My dear
Honeywood, look at this incendiary letter dropped at my door. It will
freeze you with terror; and yet lovey here can read it—can read it, and
laugh.

MRS. CROAKER. Yes, and so will Mr. Honeywood.

CROAKER. If he does, I'll suffer to be hanged the next minute in the
rogue's place, that's all.

MRS. CROAKER. Speak, Mr. Honeywood; is there anything more foolish than
my husband's fright upon this occasion?

HONEYW. It would not become me to decide, madam; but, doubtless, the
greatness of his terrors now will but invite them to renew their
villainy another time.

MRS. CROAKER. I told you he'd be of my opinion.

CROAKER. How, sir! do you maintain that I should lie down under such an
injury, and show, neither by my tears nor complaints, that I have
something of the spirit of a man in me?

HONEYW. Pardon me, sir. You ought to make the loudest complaints if you
desire redress. The surest way to have redress, is to be earnest in the
pursuit of it.

CROAKER. Ay, whose opinion is he of now?

MRS. CROAKER. But don't you think that laughing off our fears is the
best way?

HONEYW. What is the best, madam, few can say; but I'll maintain it to
be a very wise way.

CROAKER. But we're talking of the best. Surely the best way is to face
the enemy in the field, and not wait till he plunders us in our very
bed-chamber.

HONEYW. Why, sir, as to the best, that—that's a very wise way too.

MRS. CROAKER. But can anything be more absurd than to double our
distresses by our apprehensions, and put it in the power of every low
fellow, that can scrawl ten words of wretched spelling, to torment us?

HONEYW. Without doubt, nothing more absurd.

CROAKER. How! would it not be more absurd to despise the rattle till we
are bit by the snake?

HONEYW. Without doubt, perfectly absurd.

CROAKER. Then you are of my opinion?

HONEYW. Entirely.

MRS. CROAKER. And you reject mine?

HONEYW. Heavens forbid, madam. No; sure no reasoning can be more just
than yours. We ought certainly to despise malice, if we cannot oppose
it, and not make the incendiary's pen as fatal to our repose as the
highwayman's pistol.

MRS. CROAKER. O! then you think I'm quite right?

HONEYW. Perfectly right.

CROAKER. A plague of plagues, we can't both be right. I ought to be
sorry, or I ought to be glad. My hat must be on my head, or my hat must
be off.

MRS. CROAKER. Certainly; in two opposite opinions, if one be perfectly
reasonable, the other can't be perfectly right.

HONEYW. And why may not both be right, madam; Mr. Croaker in earnestly
seeking redress, and you in waiting the event with good humour? Pray
let me see the letter again. I have it. This letter requires twenty
guineas to be left at the bar of the Talbot inn. If it be indeed an
incendiary letter, what if you and I, sir, go there; and when the
writer comes to be paid his expected booty, seize him?

CROAKER. My dear friend, it's the very thing; the very thing. While I
walk by the door, you shall plant yourself in ambush near the bar;
burst out upon the miscreant like a masqued battery; extort a
confession at once, and so hang him up by surprise.

HONEYW. Yes; but I would not choose to exercise too much severity. It
is my maxim, sir, that crimes generally punish themselves.

CROAKER. Well, but we may upbraid him a little, I suppose?
(_Ironically. _)

HONEYW. Ay, but not punish him too rigidly.

CROAKER. Well, well, leave that to my own benevolence.

HONEYW. Well, I do; but remember that universal benevolence is the
first law of nature.

[_Exeunt_ HONEYWOOD _and_ MRS. CROAKER.

CROAKER. Yes; and my universal benevolence will hang the dog if he had
as many necks as a hydra.

ACT V.


SCENE. —_An Inn. _

_Enter_ OLIVIA, JARVIS.

OLIVIA. Well, we have got safe to the inn, however. Now, if the
post-chaise were ready—

JARVIS. The horses are just finishing their oats; and, as they are not
going to be married, they choose to take their own time.

OLIVIA. You are for ever giving wrong motives to my impatience.

JARVIS. Be as impatient as you will, the horses must take their own
time; besides, you don't consider we have got no answer from our
fellow-traveller yet. If we hear nothing from Mr. Leontine, we have
only one way left us.

OLIVIA. What way?

JARVIS. The way home again.

OLIVIA. Not so. I have made a resolution to go, and nothing shall
induce me to break it.

JARVIS. Ay; resolutions are well kept when they jump with inclination.
However, I'll go hasten things without. And I'll call too at the bar to
see if anything should be left for us there. Don't be in such a plaguy
hurry, madam, and we shall go the faster, I promise you.

[_Exit_ JARVIS.

_Enter_ LANDLADY.

LANDLADY. What! Solomon; why don't you move? Pipes and tobacco for the
Lamb there. Will nobody answer? To the Dolphin; quick. The Angel has
been outrageous this half-hour. Did your ladyship call, madam?

OLIVIA. No, madam.

LANDLADY. I find, as you're for Scotland, madam—but that's no business
of mine; married or not married, I ask no questions. To be sure, we had
a sweet little couple set off from this two days ago for the same
place. The gentleman, for a tailor, was, to be sure, as fine a spoken
tailor as ever blew froth from a full pot.
And the young lady so
bashful, it was near half an hour before we could get her to finish a
pint of raspberry between us.

OLIVIA. But this gentleman and I are not going to be married, I assure
you

LANDLADY. May be not. That's no business of mine; for certain, Scotch
marriages seldom turn out. There was, of my own knowledge, Miss Macfag,
that married her father's footman. Alack-a-day! she and her husband
soon parted, and now keep separate cellars in Hedge-lane.

OLIVIA. A very pretty picture of what lies before me.

_Aside. _

_Enter_ LEONTINE.

LEONT. My dear Olivia, my anxiety till you were out of danger, was too
great to be resisted. I could not help coming to see you set out,
though it exposes us to a discovery.

OLIVIA. May everything you do prove as fortunate. Indeed, Leontine, we
have been most cruelly disappointed. Mr. Honeywood's bill upon the city
has, it seems, been protested; and we have been utterly at a loss how
to proceed.

LEONT. How! An offer of his own too. Sure, he could not mean to deceive
us.

OLIVIA. Depend upon his sincerity; he only mistook the desire for the
power of serving us. But let us think no more of it. I believe the
post-chaise is ready by this.

LANDLADY. Not quite yet; and, begging your ladyship's pardon, I don't
think your ladyship quite ready for the post-chaise. The north road is
a cold place, madam. I have a drop in the house of as pretty raspberry
as ever was tipt over tongue. Just a thimblefull, to keep the wind off
your stomach. To be sure, the last couple we had here, they said it was
a perfect nosegay. Ecod, I sent them both away as good-natured—Up went
the blinds, round went the wheels, and, Drive away, postboy! was the
word.

_Enter_ CROAKER.

CROAKER. Well, while my friend Honeywood is upon the post of danger at
the bar, it must be my business to have an eye about me here. I think I
know an incendiary's look; for, wherever the devil makes a purchase, he
never fails to set his mark. Ha! who have we here? My son and daughter!
What can they be doing here?

LANDLADY. I tell you, madam, it will do you good; I think I know by
this time what's good for the north road. It's a raw night, madam. —Sir—

LEONT. Not a drop more, good madam. I should now take it as a greater
favour if you hasten the horses; for I am afraid to be seen myself.

LANDLADY. That shall be done. Wha, Solomon! are you all dead there?
Wha, Solomon, I say.

[_Exit bawling. _

OLIVIA. Well; I dread, lest an expedition begun in fear should end in
repentance. —Every moment we stay increases our danger, and adds to my
apprehensions.

LEONT. There's no danger, trust me, my dear; there can be none. If
Honeywood has acted with honour, and kept my father, as he promised, in
employment, till we are out of danger, nothing can interrupt our
journey.

OLIVIA. I have no doubt of Mr. Honeywood's sincerity, and even his
desires to serve us. My fears are from your father's suspicions. A mind
so disposed to be alarmed without a cause will be but too ready when
there's a reason.

LEONT. Why, let him, when we are out of his power. But, believe me,
Olivia, you have no great reason to dread his resentment. His repining
temper, as it does no manner of injury to himself, so will it never do
harm to others. He only frets to keep himself employed, and scolds for
his private amusement.

OLIVIA. I don't know that; but I'm sure, on some occasions, it makes
him look most shockingly.

CROAKER (_discovering himself_). How does he look now? —How does he look
now?

OLIVIA. Ah!

LEONT. Undone.

CROAKER. How do I look now? Sir, I am your very humble servant. Madam,
I am yours. What! you are going off, are you? Then, first, if you
please, take a word or two from me with you before you go. Tell me
first where you are going; and when you have told me that, perhaps, I
shall know as little as I did before.

[Illustration:

CROAKER. —"_How does he look now? _"—_p. _ 310.
]


LEONT. If that be so, our answer might but increase your displeasure,
without adding to your information.

CROAKER. I want no information from you, puppy! and you, too, madam,
what answer have you got? Eh! _A cry without, Stop him! _ I think I
heard a noise. My friend, Honeywood, without—has he seized the
incendiary? Ah, no, for now I hear no more on't.

LEONT. Honeywood without? Then, sir, it was Mr. Honeywood that directed
you hither.

CROAKER. No, sir, it was Mr. Honeywood conducted me hither.

LEONT. Is it possible?

CROAKER. Possible! why he's in the house now, sir. More anxious about
me, than my own son, sir.

LEONT. Then, sir, he's a villain.

CROAKER. How, sirrah; a villain, because he takes most care of your
father? I'll not bear it. I tell you I'll not bear it. Honeywood is a
friend to the family, and I'll have him treated as such.

LEONT. I shall study to repay his friendship as it deserves.

CROAKER. Ah, rogue, if you knew how earnestly he entered into my
griefs, and pointed out the means to detect them, you would love him as
I do. _A cry without, Stop him! _ Fire and fury! they have seized the
incendiary: they have the villain, the incendiary in view. Stop him,
stop an incendiary, a murderer! stop him.

[_Exit. _

OLIVIA. Oh, my terrors! What can this new tumult mean?

LEONT. Some new mark, I suppose, of Mr. Honeywood's sincerity. But we
shall have satisfaction: he shall give me instant satisfaction.

OLIVIA. It must not be, my Leontine, if you value my esteem, or my
happiness. Whatever be our fate, let us not add guilt to our
misfortunes. Consider that our innocence will shortly be all we have
left us. You must forgive him.

LEONT. Forgive him! Has he not in every instance betrayed us? Forced me
to borrow money from him, which appears a mere trick to delay us:
promised to keep my father engaged, till we were out of danger, and
here brought him to the very scene of our escape?

OLIVIA. Don't be precipitate. We may yet be mistaken.

_Enter_ POSTBOY, _dragging in_ JARVIS: HONEYWOOD _entering soon after_.

POSTBOY. Ay, master, we have him fast enough. Here is the incendiary
dog. I'm entitled to the reward; I'll take my oath I saw him ask for
the money at the bar, and then run for it.

HONEYW. Come, bring him along. Let us see him. Let him learn to blush
for his crimes. (_Discovering his mistake. _) Death! what's
here? —Jarvis, Leontine, Olivia! What can all this mean?

_Jarvis. _ Why, I'll tell you what it means: that I was an old fool, and
that you are my master—that's all.

HONEYW. Confusion.

LEONT. Yes, sir; I find you have kept your word with me. After such
baseness, I wonder how you can venture to see the man you have injured.

HONEYW. My dear Leontine, by my life, my honour—

LEONT. Peace, peace, for shame; and do not continue to aggravate
baseness by hypocrisy. I know you, sir, I know you.

HONEYW. Why, won't you hear me? By all that's just, I knew not—

LEONT. Hear you, sir, to what purpose? I now see through all your low
arts; your ever complying with every opinion; your never refusing any
request; your friendship is as common as a prostitute's favours, and as
fallacious; all these, sir, have long been contemptible to the world,
and are now perfectly so to me.

HONEYW. Ha! contemptible to the world! That reaches me.

_Aside. _

LEONT. All the seeming sincerity of your professions, I now find, were
only allurements to betray; and all your seeming regret for their
consequences, only calculated to cover the cowardice of your heart.
Draw, villain!

[Illustration:

HONEYW. —"_Madam, you seem at least
calm enough to hear reason. _"—_p. _ 314.
]


_Enter_ CROAKER _out of breath_.

CROAKER. Where is the villain?

Where is the incendiary! (_Seizing the_ POSTBOY. ) Hold him fast, the
dog; he has the gallows in his face. Come, you dog, confess; confess
all, and hang yourself.