No More Learning

"

The host swallowed another bumper, by way of denoting thorough
comprehension and acquiescence, and the visiter continued.

"Why, there are several ways of managing. The most of us starve: some
put up with the pickle: for my part I purchase my spirits vivente
corpore, in which case I find they keep very well. "

"But the body! --hiccup! --the body! "

"The body, the body--well, what of the body? --oh! ah! I perceive. Why,
sir, the body is not at all affected by the transaction. I have made
innumerable purchases of the kind in my day, and the parties never
experienced any inconvenience. There were Cain and Nimrod, and Nero, and
Caligula, and Dionysius, and Pisistratus, and--and a thousand others,
who never knew what it was to have a soul during the latter part of
their lives; yet, sir, these men adorned society. Why possession of
his faculties, mental and corporeal? Who writes a keener epigram?
Who reasons more wittily? Who--but stay! I have his agreement in my
pocket-book. "

Thus saying, he produced a red leather wallet, and took from it a number
of papers. Upon some of these Bon-Bon caught a glimpse of the letters
Machi--Maza--Robesp--with the words Caligula, George, Elizabeth. His
Majesty selected a narrow slip of parchment, and from it read aloud the
following words:

"In consideration of certain mental endowments which it is unnecessary
to specify, and in further consideration of one thousand louis d'or, I
being aged one year and one month, do hereby make over to the bearer
of this agreement all my right, title, and appurtenance in the shadow
called my soul. (Signed) A. . . . " {*4} (Here His Majesty repeated a name
which I did not feel justified in indicating more unequivocally. )

{*4} Quere-Arouet?

"A clever fellow that," resumed he; "but like you, Monsieur Bon-Bon,
he was mistaken about the soul. The soul a shadow, truly! The soul a
shadow; Ha! ha! ha! --he! he! he! --hu! hu! hu! Only think of a fricasseed
shadow! "

"Only think--hiccup! --of a fricasseed shadow! " exclaimed our hero,
whose faculties were becoming much illuminated by the profundity of his
Majesty's discourse.

"Only think of a hiccup! --fricasseed shadow! ! Now,
damme! --hiccup! --humph! If I would have been such
a--hiccup! --nincompoop! My soul, Mr. --humph! "

"Your soul, Monsieur Bon-Bon? "

"Yes, sir--hiccup! --my soul is-"

"What, sir? "

"No shadow, damme! "

"Did you mean to say-"

"Yes, sir, my soul is--hiccup! --humph! --yes, sir. "

"Did you not intend to assert-"

"My soul is--hiccup! --peculiarly qualified for--hiccup! --a-"

"What, sir? "

"Stew. "

"Ha! "

"Soufflee. "

"Eh! "

"Fricassee. "

"Indeed! "

"Ragout and fricandeau--and see here, my good fellow! I'll let you have
it--hiccup! --a bargain. " Here the philosopher slapped his Majesty upon
the back.

"Couldn't think of such a thing," said the latter calmly, at the same
time rising from his seat. The metaphysician stared.

"Am supplied at present," said his Majesty.

"Hiccup--e-h? " said the philosopher.

"Have no funds on hand. "

"What? "

"Besides, very unhandsome in me--"

"Sir! "

"To take advantage of-"

"Hiccup! "

"Your present disgusting and ungentlemanly situation. "

Here the visiter bowed and withdrew--in what manner could not precisely
be ascertained--but in a well-concerted effort to discharge a bottle
at "the villain," the slender chain was severed that depended from the
ceiling, and the metaphysician prostrated by the downfall of the lamp.




SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY.

THE _symposium_ of the preceding evening had been a little too much
for my nerves. I had a wretched headache, and was desperately drowsy.
Instead of going out therefore to spend the evening as I had proposed,
it occurred to me that I could not do a wiser thing than just eat a
mouthful of supper and go immediately to bed.

A light supper of course. I am exceedingly fond of Welsh rabbit. More
than a pound at once, however, may not at all times be advisable. Still,
there can be no material objection to two. And really between two and
three, there is merely a single unit of difference. I ventured, perhaps,
upon four. My wife will have it five;--but, clearly, she has confounded
two very distinct affairs. The abstract number, five, I am willing to
admit; but, concretely, it has reference to bottles of Brown Stout,
without which, in the way of condiment, Welsh rabbit is to be eschewed.

Having thus concluded a frugal meal, and donned my night-cap, with the
serene hope of enjoying it till noon the next day, I placed my head upon
the pillow, and, through the aid of a capital conscience, fell into a
profound slumber forthwith.

But when were the hopes of humanity fulfilled? I could not have
completed my third snore when there came a furious ringing at the
street-door bell, and then an impatient thumping at the knocker, which
awakened me at once. In a minute afterward, and while I was still
rubbing my eyes, my wife thrust in my face a note, from my old friend,
Doctor Ponnonner. It ran thus:

"Come to me, by all means, my dear good friend, as soon as you
receive this. Come and help us to rejoice. At last, by long persevering
diplomacy, I have gained the assent of the Directors of the City Museum,
to my examination of the Mummy--you know the one I mean. I have
permission to unswathe it and open it, if desirable. A few friends only
will be present--you, of course. The Mummy is now at my house, and we
shall begin to unroll it at eleven to-night.

"Yours, ever,

PONNONNER.

By the time I had reached the "Ponnonner," it struck me that I was
as wide awake as a man need be. I leaped out of bed in an ecstacy,
overthrowing all in my way; dressed myself with a rapidity truly
marvellous; and set off, at the top of my speed, for the doctor's.

There I found a very eager company assembled. They had been awaiting me
with much impatience; the Mummy was extended upon the dining-table; and
the moment I entered its examination was commenced.

It was one of a pair brought, several years previously, by Captain
Arthur Sabretash, a cousin of Ponnonner's from a tomb near Eleithias, in
the Lybian mountains, a considerable distance above Thebes on the Nile.
The grottoes at this point, although less magnificent than the Theban
sepulchres, are of higher interest, on account of affording more
numerous illustrations of the private life of the Egyptians. The chamber
from which our specimen was taken, was said to be very rich in such
illustrations; the walls being completely covered with fresco paintings
and bas-reliefs, while statues, vases, and Mosaic work of rich patterns,
indicated the vast wealth of the deceased.

The treasure had been deposited in the Museum precisely in the same
condition in which Captain Sabretash had found it;--that is to say,
the coffin had not been disturbed. For eight years it had thus stood,
subject only externally to public inspection. We had now, therefore,
the complete Mummy at our disposal; and to those who are aware how very
rarely the unransacked antique reaches our shores, it will be evident,
at once that we had great reason to congratulate ourselves upon our good
fortune.

Approaching the table, I saw on it a large box, or case, nearly seven
feet long, and perhaps three feet wide, by two feet and a half deep. It
was oblong--not coffin-shaped. The material was at first supposed to
be the wood of the sycamore (_platanus_), but, upon cutting into it, we
found it to be pasteboard, or, more properly, _papier mache_, composed
of papyrus. It was thickly ornamented with paintings, representing
funeral scenes, and other mournful subjects--interspersed among which,
in every variety of position, were certain series of hieroglyphical
characters, intended, no doubt, for the name of the departed. By good
luck, Mr. Gliddon formed one of our party; and he had no difficulty in
translating the letters, which were simply phonetic, and represented the
word _Allamistakeo_.

We had some difficulty in getting this case open without injury;
but having at length accomplished the task, we came to a second,
coffin-shaped, and very considerably less in size than the exterior one,
but resembling it precisely in every other respect. The interval between
the two was filled with resin, which had, in some degree, defaced the
colors of the interior box.

Upon opening this latter (which we did quite easily), we arrived at a
third case, also coffin-shaped, and varying from the second one in no
particular, except in that of its material, which was cedar, and still
emitted the peculiar and highly aromatic odor of that wood. Between
the second and the third case there was no interval--the one fitting
accurately within the other.

Removing the third case, we discovered and took out the body itself.
We had expected to find it, as usual, enveloped in frequent rolls, or
bandages, of linen; but, in place of these, we found a sort of sheath,
made of papyrus, and coated with a layer of plaster, thickly gilt and
painted. The paintings represented subjects connected with the
various supposed duties of the soul, and its presentation to different
divinities, with numerous identical human figures, intended, very
probably, as portraits of the persons embalmed. Extending from head
to foot was a columnar, or perpendicular, inscription, in phonetic
hieroglyphics, giving again his name and titles, and the names and
titles of his relations.

Around the neck thus ensheathed, was a collar of cylindrical glass
beads, diverse in color, and so arranged as to form images of deities,
of the scarabaeus, etc, with the winged globe. Around the small of the
waist was a similar collar or belt.

Stripping off the papyrus, we found the flesh in excellent preservation,
with no perceptible odor. The color was reddish. The skin was hard,
smooth, and glossy. The teeth and hair were in good condition. The eyes
(it seemed) had been removed, and glass ones substituted, which were
very beautiful and wonderfully life-like, with the exception of somewhat
too determined a stare. The fingers and the nails were brilliantly
gilded.

Mr. Gliddon was of opinion, from the redness of the epidermis, that the
embalmment had been effected altogether by asphaltum; but, on scraping
the surface with a steel instrument, and throwing into the fire some of
the powder thus obtained, the flavor of camphor and other sweet-scented
gums became apparent.

We searched the corpse very carefully for the usual openings through
which the entrails are extracted, but, to our surprise, we could
discover none. No member of the party was at that period aware that
entire or unopened mummies are not infrequently met. The brain it
was customary to withdraw through the nose; the intestines through an
incision in the side; the body was then shaved, washed, and salted; then
laid aside for several weeks, when the operation of embalming, properly
so called, began.

As no trace of an opening could be found, Doctor Ponnonner was preparing
his instruments for dissection, when I observed that it was then past
two o'clock. Hereupon it was agreed to postpone the internal examination
until the next evening; and we were about to separate for the present,
when some one suggested an experiment or two with the Voltaic pile.

The application of electricity to a mummy three or four thousand years
old at the least, was an idea, if not very sage, still sufficiently
original, and we all caught it at once. About one-tenth in earnest and
nine-tenths in jest, we arranged a battery in the Doctor's study, and
conveyed thither the Egyptian.

It was only after much trouble that we succeeded in laying bare some
portions of the temporal muscle which appeared of less stony rigidity
than other parts of the frame, but which, as we had anticipated, of
course, gave no indication of galvanic susceptibility when brought in
contact with the wire. This, the first trial, indeed, seemed decisive,
and, with a hearty laugh at our own absurdity, we were bidding each
other good night, when my eyes, happening to fall upon those of the
Mummy, were there immediately riveted in amazement. My brief glance, in
fact, had sufficed to assure me that the orbs which we had all supposed
to be glass, and which were originally noticeable for a certain wild
stare, were now so far covered by the lids, that only a small portion of
the _tunica albuginea_ remained visible.

With a shout I called attention to the fact, and it became immediately
obvious to all.

I cannot say that I was alarmed at the phenomenon, because "alarmed" is,
in my case, not exactly the word. It is possible, however, that, but for
the Brown Stout, I might have been a little nervous. As for the rest
of the company, they really made no attempt at concealing the downright
fright which possessed them. Doctor Ponnonner was a man to be pitied.
Mr. Gliddon, by some peculiar process, rendered himself invisible. Mr.
Silk Buckingham, I fancy, will scarcely be so bold as to deny that he
made his way, upon all fours, under the table.

After the first shock of astonishment, however, we resolved, as a matter
of course, upon further experiment forthwith. Our operations were now
directed against the great toe of the right foot. We made an incision
over the outside of the exterior _os sesamoideum pollicis pedis,_ and
thus got at the root of the abductor muscle. Readjusting the battery, we
now applied the fluid to the bisected nerves--when, with a movement of
exceeding life-likeness, the Mummy first drew up its right knee so as to
bring it nearly in contact with the abdomen, and then, straightening the
limb with inconceivable force, bestowed a kick upon Doctor Ponnonner,
which had the effect of discharging that gentleman, like an arrow from a
catapult, through a window into the street below.

We rushed out _en masse_ to bring in the mangled remains of the victim,
but had the happiness to meet him upon the staircase, coming up in an
unaccountable hurry, brimful of the most ardent philosophy, and more
than ever impressed with the necessity of prosecuting our experiment
with vigor and with zeal.

It was by his advice, accordingly, that we made, upon the spot, a
profound incision into the tip of the subject's nose, while the Doctor
himself, laying violent hands upon it, pulled it into vehement contact
with the wire.

Morally and physically--figuratively and literally--was the effect
electric. In the first place, the corpse opened its eyes and winked very
rapidly for several minutes, as does Mr. Barnes in the pantomime, in the
second place, it sneezed; in the third, it sat upon end; in the fourth,
it shook its fist in Doctor Ponnonner's face; in the fifth, turning to
Messieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, it addressed them, in very capital
Egyptian, thus:

"I must say, gentlemen, that I am as much surprised as I am mortified at
your behavior. Of Doctor Ponnonner nothing better was to be expected. He
is a poor little fat fool who knows no better. I pity and forgive him.
But you, Mr. Gliddon--and you, Silk--who have travelled and resided in
Egypt until one might imagine you to the manner born--you, I say who
have been so much among us that you speak Egyptian fully as well, I
think, as you write your mother tongue--you, whom I have always been
led to regard as the firm friend of the mummies--I really did anticipate
more gentlemanly conduct from you. What am I to think of your standing
quietly by and seeing me thus unhandsomely used? What am I to suppose by
your permitting Tom, Dick, and Harry to strip me of my coffins, and my
clothes, in this wretchedly cold climate? In what light (to come to the
point) am I to regard your aiding and abetting that miserable little
villain, Doctor Ponnonner, in pulling me by the nose? "

It will be taken for granted, no doubt, that upon hearing this speech
under the circumstances, we all either made for the door, or fell into
violent hysterics, or went off in a general swoon. One of these three
things was, I say, to be expected. Indeed each and all of these lines of
conduct might have been very plausibly pursued. And, upon my word, I am
at a loss to know how or why it was that we pursued neither the one nor
the other. But, perhaps, the true reason is to be sought in the spirit
of the age, which proceeds by the rule of contraries altogether, and
is now usually admitted as the solution of every thing in the way of
paradox and impossibility. Or, perhaps, after all, it was only the
Mummy's exceedingly natural and matter-of-course air that divested his
words of the terrible. However this may be, the facts are clear, and no
member of our party betrayed any very particular trepidation, or seemed
to consider that any thing had gone very especially wrong.

For my part I was convinced it was all right, and merely stepped aside,
out of the range of the Egyptian's fist. Doctor Ponnonner thrust his
hands into his breeches' pockets, looked hard at the Mummy, and grew
excessively red in the face. Mr. Glidden stroked his whiskers and drew
up the collar of his shirt. Mr. Buckingham hung down his head, and put
his right thumb into the left corner of his mouth.

The Egyptian regarded him with a severe countenance for some minutes and
at length, with a sneer, said:

"Why don't you speak, Mr. Buckingham? Did you hear what I asked you, or
not? Do take your thumb out of your mouth! "

Mr. Buckingham, hereupon, gave a slight start, took his right thumb out
of the left corner of his mouth, and, by way of indemnification inserted
his left thumb in the right corner of the aperture above-mentioned.

Not being able to get an answer from Mr. B. , the figure turned peevishly
to Mr. Gliddon, and, in a peremptory tone, demanded in general terms
what we all meant.

Mr.
Gliddon replied at great length, in phonetics; and but for the
deficiency of American printing-offices in hieroglyphical type, it would
afford me much pleasure to record here, in the original, the whole of
his very excellent speech.

I may as well take this occasion to remark, that all the subsequent
conversation in which the Mummy took a part, was carried on in primitive
Egyptian, through the medium (so far as concerned myself and other
untravelled members of the company)--through the medium, I say, of
Messieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, as interpreters. These gentlemen spoke
the mother tongue of the Mummy with inimitable fluency and grace; but I
could not help observing that (owing, no doubt, to the introduction of
images entirely modern, and, of course, entirely novel to the stranger)
the two travellers were reduced, occasionally, to the employment of
sensible forms for the purpose of conveying a particular meaning.
Mr. Gliddon, at one period, for example, could not make the Egyptian
comprehend the term "politics," until he sketched upon the wall, with
a bit of charcoal a little carbuncle-nosed gentleman, out at elbows,
standing upon a stump, with his left leg drawn back, right arm thrown
forward, with his fist shut, the eyes rolled up toward Heaven, and
the mouth open at an angle of ninety degrees. Just in the same way Mr.
Buckingham failed to convey the absolutely modern idea "wig," until
(at Doctor Ponnonner's suggestion) he grew very pale in the face, and
consented to take off his own.

It will be readily understood that Mr. Gliddon's discourse turned
chiefly upon the vast benefits accruing to science from the unrolling
and disembowelling of mummies; apologizing, upon this score, for any
disturbance that might have been occasioned him, in particular, the
individual Mummy called Allamistakeo; and concluding with a mere hint
(for it could scarcely be considered more) that, as these little
matters were now explained, it might be as well to proceed with
the investigation intended. Here Doctor Ponnonner made ready his
instruments.

In regard to the latter suggestions of the orator, it appears that
Allamistakeo had certain scruples of conscience, the nature of which I
did not distinctly learn; but he expressed himself satisfied with the
apologies tendered, and, getting down from the table, shook hands with
the company all round.

When this ceremony was at an end, we immediately busied ourselves in
repairing the damages which our subject had sustained from the scalpel.
We sewed up the wound in his temple, bandaged his foot, and applied a
square inch of black plaster to the tip of his nose.

It was now observed that the Count (this was the title, it seems, of
Allamistakeo) had a slight fit of shivering--no doubt from the cold. The
Doctor immediately repaired to his wardrobe, and soon returned with
a black dress coat, made in Jennings' best manner, a pair of sky-blue
plaid pantaloons with straps, a pink gingham chemise, a flapped vest of
brocade, a white sack overcoat, a walking cane with a hook, a hat with
no brim, patent-leather boots, straw-colored kid gloves, an eye-glass, a
pair of whiskers, and a waterfall cravat. Owing to the disparity of size
between the Count and the doctor (the proportion being as two to one),
there was some little difficulty in adjusting these habiliments upon the
person of the Egyptian; but when all was arranged, he might have been
said to be dressed. Mr. Gliddon, therefore, gave him his arm, and led
him to a comfortable chair by the fire, while the Doctor rang the bell
upon the spot and ordered a supply of cigars and wine.

The conversation soon grew animated. Much curiosity was, of course,
expressed in regard to the somewhat remarkable fact of Allamistakeo's
still remaining alive.

"I should have thought," observed Mr. Buckingham, "that it is high time
you were dead. "

"Why," replied the Count, very much astonished, "I am little more than
seven hundred years old! My father lived a thousand, and was by no means
in his dotage when he died. "

Here ensued a brisk series of questions and computations, by means of
which it became evident that the antiquity of the Mummy had been grossly
misjudged. It had been five thousand and fifty years and some months
since he had been consigned to the catacombs at Eleithias.

"But my remark," resumed Mr. Buckingham, "had no reference to your age
at the period of interment (I am willing to grant, in fact, that you are
still a young man), and my illusion was to the immensity of time during
which, by your own showing, you must have been done up in asphaltum. "

"In what? " said the Count.

"In asphaltum," persisted Mr. B.

"Ah, yes; I have some faint notion of what you mean; it might be made
to answer, no doubt--but in my time we employed scarcely any thing else
than the Bichloride of Mercury. "

"But what we are especially at a loss to understand," said Doctor
Ponnonner, "is how it happens that, having been dead and buried in Egypt
five thousand years ago, you are here to-day all alive and looking so
delightfully well. "

"Had I been, as you say, dead," replied the Count, "it is more than
probable that dead, I should still be; for I perceive you are yet in the
infancy of Calvanism, and cannot accomplish with it what was a common
thing among us in the old days. But the fact is, I fell into catalepsy,
and it was considered by my best friends that I was either dead or
should be; they accordingly embalmed me at once--I presume you are aware
of the chief principle of the embalming process? "

"Why not altogether. "

"Why, I perceive--a deplorable condition of ignorance! Well I cannot
enter into details just now: but it is necessary to explain that to
embalm (properly speaking), in Egypt, was to arrest indefinitely all the
animal functions subjected to the process. I use the word 'animal' in
its widest sense, as including the physical not more than the moral
and vital being. I repeat that the leading principle of embalmment
consisted, with us, in the immediately arresting, and holding in
perpetual abeyance, all the animal functions subjected to the process.
To be brief, in whatever condition the individual was, at the period of
embalmment, in that condition he remained. Now, as it is my good fortune
to be of the blood of the Scarabaeus, I was embalmed alive, as you see
me at present. "

"The blood of the Scarabaeus! " exclaimed Doctor Ponnonner.

"Yes. The Scarabaeus was the insignium or the 'arms,' of a very
distinguished and very rare patrician family. To be 'of the blood of the
Scarabaeus,' is merely to be one of that family of which the Scarabaeus
is the insignium. I speak figuratively. "

"But what has this to do with you being alive? "

"Why, it is the general custom in Egypt to deprive a corpse, before
embalmment, of its bowels and brains; the race of the Scarabaei alone
did not coincide with the custom. Had I not been a Scarabeus, therefore,
I should have been without bowels and brains; and without either it is
inconvenient to live. "

"I perceive that," said Mr. Buckingham, "and I presume that all the
entire mummies that come to hand are of the race of Scarabaei. "

"Beyond doubt. "

"I thought," said Mr. Gliddon, very meekly, "that the Scarabaeus was one
of the Egyptian gods. "

"One of the Egyptian _what? "_ exclaimed the Mummy, starting to its feet.

"Gods! " repeated the traveller.

"Mr. Gliddon, I really am astonished to hear you talk in this style,"
said the Count, resuming his chair. "No nation upon the face of the
earth has ever acknowledged more than one god. The Scarabaeus, the Ibis,
etc. , were with us (as similar creatures have been with others) the
symbols, or media, through which we offered worship to the Creator too
august to be more directly approached. "

There was here a pause. At length the colloquy was renewed by Doctor
Ponnonner.

"It is not improbable, then, from what you have explained," said he,
"that among the catacombs near the Nile there may exist other mummies of
the Scarabaeus tribe, in a condition of vitality? "

"There can be no question of it," replied the Count; "all the Scarabaei
embalmed accidentally while alive, are alive now. Even some of those
purposely so embalmed, may have been overlooked by their executors, and
still remain in the tomb. "

"Will you be kind enough to explain," I said, "what you mean by
'purposely so embalmed'? "

"With great pleasure! " answered the Mummy, after surveying me leisurely
through his eye-glass--for it was the first time I had ventured to
address him a direct question.

"With great pleasure," he said. "The usual duration of man's life, in
my time, was about eight hundred years. Few men died, unless by most
extraordinary accident, before the age of six hundred; few lived longer
than a decade of centuries; but eight were considered the natural
term. After the discovery of the embalming principle, as I have already
described it to you, it occurred to our philosophers that a laudable
curiosity might be gratified, and, at the same time, the interests of
science much advanced, by living this natural term in installments. In
the case of history, indeed, experience demonstrated that something of
this kind was indispensable. An historian, for example, having attained
the age of five hundred, would write a book with great labor and then
get himself carefully embalmed; leaving instructions to his executors
pro tem. , that they should cause him to be revivified after the lapse of
a certain period--say five or six hundred years. Resuming existence at
the expiration of this time, he would invariably find his great work
converted into a species of hap-hazard note-book--that is to say, into
a kind of literary arena for the conflicting guesses, riddles, and
personal squabbles of whole herds of exasperated commentators.
These guesses, etc. , which passed under the name of annotations, or
emendations, were found so completely to have enveloped, distorted, and
overwhelmed the text, that the author had to go about with a lantern to
discover his own book. When discovered, it was never worth the trouble
of the search. After re-writing it throughout, it was regarded as the
bounden duty of the historian to set himself to work immediately
in correcting, from his own private knowledge and experience, the
traditions of the day concerning the epoch at which he had originally
lived. Now this process of re-scription and personal rectification,
pursued by various individual sages from time to time, had the effect of
preventing our history from degenerating into absolute fable. "

"I beg your pardon," said Doctor Ponnonner at this point, laying his
hand gently upon the arm of the Egyptian--"I beg your pardon, sir, but
may I presume to interrupt you for one moment? "

"By all means, sir," replied the Count, drawing up.

"I merely wished to ask you a question," said the Doctor. "You mentioned
the historian's personal correction of traditions respecting his own
epoch. Pray, sir, upon an average what proportion of these Kabbala were
usually found to be right? "

"The Kabbala, as you properly term them, sir, were generally discovered
to be precisely on a par with the facts recorded in the un-re-written
histories themselves;--that is to say, not one individual iota of either
was ever known, under any circumstances, to be not totally and radically
wrong. "

"But since it is quite clear," resumed the Doctor, "that at least five
thousand years have elapsed since your entombment, I take it for
granted that your histories at that period, if not your traditions
were sufficiently explicit on that one topic of universal interest, the
Creation, which took place, as I presume you are aware, only about ten
centuries before. "

"Sir! " said the Count Allamistakeo.

The Doctor repeated his remarks, but it was only after much additional
explanation that the foreigner could be made to comprehend them. The
latter at length said, hesitatingly:

"The ideas you have suggested are to me, I confess, utterly novel.
During my time I never knew any one to entertain so singular a fancy
as that the universe (or this world if you will have it so) ever had
a beginning at all. I remember once, and once only, hearing something
remotely hinted, by a man of many speculations, concerning the origin
_of the human race;_ and by this individual, the very word _Adam_
(or Red Earth), which you make use of, was employed. He employed
it, however, in a generical sense, with reference to the spontaneous
germination from rank soil (just as a thousand of the lower genera of
creatures are germinated)--the spontaneous germination, I say, of five
vast hordes of men, simultaneously upspringing in five distinct and
nearly equal divisions of the globe. "

Here, in general, the company shrugged their shoulders, and one or
two of us touched our foreheads with a very significant air. Mr. Silk
Buckingham, first glancing slightly at the occiput and then at the
sinciput of Allamistakeo, spoke as follows:

"The long duration of human life in your time, together with
the occasional practice of passing it, as you have explained, in
installments, must have had, indeed, a strong tendency to the general
development and conglomeration of knowledge. I presume, therefore, that
we are to attribute the marked inferiority of the old Egyptians in
all particulars of science, when compared with the moderns, and more
especially with the Yankees, altogether to the superior solidity of the
Egyptian skull. "

"I confess again," replied the Count, with much suavity, "that I am
somewhat at a loss to comprehend you; pray, to what particulars of
science do you allude? "

Here our whole party, joining voices, detailed, at great length, the
assumptions of phrenology and the marvels of animal magnetism.

Having heard us to an end, the Count proceeded to relate a few
anecdotes, which rendered it evident that prototypes of Gall and
Spurzheim had flourished and faded in Egypt so long ago as to have been
nearly forgotten, and that the manoeuvres of Mesmer were really very
contemptible tricks when put in collation with the positive miracles
of the Theban savans, who created lice and a great many other similar
things.

I here asked the Count if his people were able to calculate eclipses. He
smiled rather contemptuously, and said they were.

This put me a little out, but I began to make other inquiries in regard
to his astronomical knowledge, when a member of the company, who had
never as yet opened his mouth, whispered in my ear, that for information
on this head, I had better consult Ptolemy (whoever Ptolemy is), as well
as one Plutarch de facie lunae.

I then questioned the Mummy about burning-glasses and lenses, and, in
general, about the manufacture of glass; but I had not made an end of my
queries before the silent member again touched me quietly on the elbow,
and begged me for God's sake to take a peep at Diodorus Siculus. As
for the Count, he merely asked me, in the way of reply, if we moderns
possessed any such microscopes as would enable us to cut cameos in the
style of the Egyptians. While I was thinking how I should answer
this question, little Doctor Ponnonner committed himself in a very
extraordinary way.

"Look at our architecture! " he exclaimed, greatly to the indignation of
both the travellers, who pinched him black and blue to no purpose.

"Look," he cried with enthusiasm, "at the Bowling-Green Fountain in New
York! or if this be too vast a contemplation, regard for a moment the
Capitol at Washington, D. C. ! "--and the good little medical man went
on to detail very minutely, the proportions of the fabric to which he
referred. He explained that the portico alone was adorned with no less
than four and twenty columns, five feet in diameter, and ten feet apart.

The Count said that he regretted not being able to remember, just
at that moment, the precise dimensions of any one of the principal
buildings of the city of Aznac, whose foundations were laid in the night
of Time, but the ruins of which were still standing, at the epoch of
his entombment, in a vast plain of sand to the westward of Thebes. He
recollected, however, (talking of the porticoes,) that one affixed to
an inferior palace in a kind of suburb called Carnac, consisted of a
hundred and forty-four columns, thirty-seven feet in circumference, and
twenty-five feet apart. The approach to this portico, from the Nile,
was through an avenue two miles long, composed of sphynxes, statues, and
obelisks, twenty, sixty, and a hundred feet in height. The palace itself
(as well as he could remember) was, in one direction, two miles long,
and might have been altogether about seven in circuit. Its walls were
richly painted all over, within and without, with hieroglyphics. He
would not pretend to assert that even fifty or sixty of the Doctor's
Capitols might have been built within these walls, but he was by
no means sure that two or three hundred of them might not have
been squeezed in with some trouble. That palace at Carnac was an
insignificant little building after all. He (the Count), however, could
not conscientiously refuse to admit the ingenuity, magnificence, and
superiority of the Fountain at the Bowling Green, as described by the
Doctor. Nothing like it, he was forced to allow, had ever been seen in
Egypt or elsewhere.

I here asked the Count what he had to say to our railroads.

"Nothing," he replied, "in particular. " They were rather slight, rather
ill-conceived, and clumsily put together. They could not be compared, of
course, with the vast, level, direct, iron-grooved causeways upon which
the Egyptians conveyed entire temples and solid obelisks of a hundred
and fifty feet in altitude.

I spoke of our gigantic mechanical forces.

He agreed that we knew something in that way, but inquired how I should
have gone to work in getting up the imposts on the lintels of even the
little palace at Carnac.

This question I concluded not to hear, and demanded if he had any idea
of Artesian wells; but he simply raised his eyebrows; while Mr. Gliddon
winked at me very hard and said, in a low tone, that one had been
recently discovered by the engineers employed to bore for water in the
Great Oasis.

I then mentioned our steel; but the foreigner elevated his nose, and
asked me if our steel could have executed the sharp carved work seen on
the obelisks, and which was wrought altogether by edge-tools of copper.

This disconcerted us so greatly that we thought it advisable to vary the
attack to Metaphysics. We sent for a copy of a book called the "Dial,"
and read out of it a chapter or two about something that is not very
clear, but which the Bostonians call the Great Movement of Progress.

The Count merely said that Great Movements were awfully common things in
his day, and as for Progress, it was at one time quite a nuisance, but
it never progressed.

We then spoke of the great beauty and importance of Democracy, and
were at much trouble in impressing the Count with a due sense of the
advantages we enjoyed in living where there was suffrage ad libitum, and
no king.

He listened with marked interest, and in fact seemed not a little
amused. When we had done, he said that, a great while ago, there had
occurred something of a very similar sort. Thirteen Egyptian provinces
determined all at once to be free, and to set a magnificent example to
the rest of mankind. They assembled their wise men, and concocted the
most ingenious constitution it is possible to conceive. For a while they
managed remarkably well; only their habit of bragging was prodigious.
The thing ended, however, in the consolidation of the thirteen states,
with some fifteen or twenty others, in the most odious and insupportable
despotism that was ever heard of upon the face of the Earth.

I asked what was the name of the usurping tyrant.

As well as the Count could recollect, it was Mob.

Not knowing what to say to this, I raised my voice, and deplored the
Egyptian ignorance of steam.

The Count looked at me with much astonishment, but made no answer. The
silent gentleman, however, gave me a violent nudge in the ribs with his
elbows--told me I had sufficiently exposed myself for once--and demanded
if I was really such a fool as not to know that the modern steam-engine
is derived from the invention of Hero, through Solomon de Caus.

We were now in imminent danger of being discomfited; but, as good luck
would have it, Doctor Ponnonner, having rallied, returned to our rescue,
and inquired if the people of Egypt would seriously pretend to rival the
moderns in the all--important particular of dress.

The Count, at this, glanced downward to the straps of his pantaloons,
and then taking hold of the end of one of his coat-tails, held it up
close to his eyes for some minutes. Letting it fall, at last, his mouth
extended itself very gradually from ear to ear; but I do not remember
that he said any thing in the way of reply.

Hereupon we recovered our spirits, and the Doctor, approaching the Mummy
with great dignity, desired it to say candidly, upon its honor as
a gentleman, if the Egyptians had comprehended, at any period, the
manufacture of either Ponnonner's lozenges or Brandreth's pills.

We looked, with profound anxiety, for an answer--but in vain. It was
not forthcoming. The Egyptian blushed and hung down his head. Never was
triumph more consummate; never was defeat borne with so ill a
grace. Indeed, I could not endure the spectacle of the poor Mummy's
mortification. I reached my hat, bowed to him stiffly, and took leave.

Upon getting home I found it past four o'clock, and went immediately
to bed. It is now ten A. M. I have been up since seven, penning these
memoranda for the benefit of my family and of mankind. The former I
shall behold no more. My wife is a shrew. The truth is, I am heartily
sick of this life and of the nineteenth century in general. I am
convinced that every thing is going wrong. Besides, I am anxious to
know who will be President in 2045. As soon, therefore, as I shave and
swallow a cup of coffee, I shall just step over to Ponnonner's and get
embalmed for a couple of hundred years.




THE POETIC PRINCIPLE

IN speaking of the Poetic Principle, I have no design to be either
thorough or profound. While discussing, very much at random, the
essentiality of what we call Poetry, my principal purpose will be to
cite for consideration, some few of those minor English or American
poems which best suit my own taste, or which, upon my own fancy, have
left the most definite impression. By "minor poems" I mean, of course,
poems of little length. And here, in the beginning, permit me to say
a few words in regard to a somewhat peculiar principle, which, whether
rightfully or wrongfully, has always had its influence in my own
critical estimate of the poem. I hold that a long poem does not exist. I
maintain that the phrase, "a long poem," is simply a flat contradiction
in terms.

I need scarcely observe that a poem deserves its title only inasmuch as
it excites, by elevating the soul. The value of the poem is in the ratio
of this elevating excitement. But all excitements are, through a psychal
necessity, transient. That degree of excitement which would entitle
a poem to be so called at all, cannot be sustained throughout a
composition of any great length. After the lapse of half an hour, at the
very utmost, it flags--fails--a revulsion ensues--and then the poem is,
in effect, and in fact, no longer such.

There are, no doubt, many who have found difficulty in reconciling
the critical dictum that the "Paradise Lost" is to be devoutly admired
throughout, with the absolute impossibility of maintaining for it,
during perusal, the amount of enthusiasm which that critical dictum
would demand. This great work, in fact, is to be regarded as poetical,
only when, losing sight of that vital requisite in all works of Art,
Unity, we view it merely as a series of minor poems. If, to preserve
its Unity--its totality of effect or impression--we read it (as would be
necessary) at a single sitting, the result is but a constant alternation
of excitement and depression. After a passage of what we feel to be
true poetry, there follows, inevitably, a passage of platitude which no
critical prejudgment can force us to admire; but if, upon completing
the work, we read it again, omitting the first book--that is to say,
commencing with the second--we shall be surprised at now finding
that admirable which we before condemned--that damnable which we had
previously so much admired. It follows from all this that the ultimate,
aggregate, or absolute effect of even the best epic under the sun, is a
nullity:--and this is precisely the fact.

In regard to the Iliad, we have, if not positive proof, at least very
good reason for believing it intended as a series of lyrics; but,
granting the epic intention, I can say only that the work is based in an
imperfect sense of art. The modern epic is, of the supposititious ancient
model, but an inconsiderate and blindfold imitation. But the day of
these artistic anomalies is over. If, at any time, any very long poem
_were _popular in reality, which I doubt, it is at least clear that no
very long poem will ever be popular again.

That the extent of a poetical work is, _ceteris paribus, _the measure
of its merit, seems undoubtedly, when we thus state it, a proposition
sufficiently absurd--yet we are indebted for it to the Quarterly
Reviews. Surely there can be nothing in mere _size, _abstractly
considered--there can be nothing in mere _bulk, so _far as a volume
is concerned, which has so continuously elicited admiration from these
saturnine pamphlets! A mountain, to be sure, by the mere sentiment of
physical magnitude which it conveys, _does _impress us with a sense
of the sublime--but no man is impressed after _this _fashion by the
material grandeur of even "The Columbiad. " Even the Quarterlies have
not instructed us to be so impressed by it. As _yet, _they have not
_insisted _on our estimating "Lamar" tine by the cubic foot, or Pollock
by the pound--but what else are we to _infer _from their continual
plating about "sustained effort"? If, by "sustained effort," any little
gentleman has accomplished an epic, let us frankly commend him for the
effort--if this indeed be a thing conk mendable--but let us forbear
praising the epic on the effort's account.