No More Learning

'Tis a
more frightful monster than the other even.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Come here.

YOUNG MAN (_to the young girl_). Oh! I adjure you, don't let me be led
off by her!

SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis not I; 'tis the law that leads you off.

YOUNG MAN. No, 'tis not the law, but an Empusa[730] with a body covered
with blemishes and blotches.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Follow me, my handsome little friend, come along quick
without any more ado.

YOUNG MAN. Oh! let me first do the needful, so that I may gather my wits
somewhat. Else I should be so terrified that you would see me letting out
something yellow.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Never mind! you can stool, if you want, in my house.

YOUNG MAN. Oh! I fear doing more than I want to; but I offer you two good
securities.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. I don't require them.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Hi! friend, where are you off to with that woman?

YOUNG MAN. I am not going with her, but am being dragged by force. Oh!
whoever you are, may heaven bless you for having had pity on me in my
dire misfortune. (_Turns round and sees the Third Old Woman. _) Oh
Heracles! oh Heracles! oh Pan! Oh ye Corybantes! oh ye Dioscuri! Why, she
is still more awful! Oh! what a monster! great gods! Are you an ape
plastered with white lead, or the ghost of some old hag returned from the
dark borderlands of death?

THIRD OLD WOMAN. No jesting! Follow me.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, come this way.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. I will never let you go.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.

YOUNG MAN. But you will rend me asunder, you cursed wretches.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis I he must go with according to the law.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Not if an uglier old woman than yourself appears.

YOUNG MAN. But if you kill me at the outset, how shall I afterwards go to
find this beautiful girl of mine?

THIRD OLD WOMAN. That's your business. But begin by obeying.

YOUNG MAN. Of which one must I rid myself first?

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Don't you know? Come here.

YOUNG MAN. Then let the other one release me.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Come to my house.

YOUNG MAN. If this dame will let me go.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, by all the gods, I'll not let you go.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.

YOUNG MAN. You would make very bad boatwomen.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Why?

YOUNG MAN. Because you would tear your passengers to pieces in dragging
them on board.

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Then come along, do, and hold your tongue.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. No, by Zeus, come with me.

YOUNG MAN. 'Tis clearly a case of the decree of Cannonus;[731] I must cut
myself in two in order to fuck you both. But how am I to work two oars at
once?

SECOND OLD WOMAN. Easily enough; you have only to eat a full pot of
onions. [732]

YOUNG MAN. Oh! great gods! here I am close to the door and being dragged
in!

THIRD OLD WOMAN (_to Second Old Woman_). You will gain nothing by this,
for I shall rush into your house with you.

YOUNG MAN. Oh, no! no! 'twould be better to suffer a single misfortune
than two.

THIRD OLD WOMAN. Ah! by Hecate, 'twill be all the same whether you wish
it or not.

YOUNG MAN. What a fate is mine, that I must gratify such a stinking
harridan the whole night through and all day; then, when I am rid of her,
I have still to tackle a hag of brick-colour hue! Am I not truly
unfortunate? Ah! by Zeus the Deliverer! under what fatal star must I have
been born, that I must sail in company with such monsters! But if my bark
sinks in the sewer of these strumpets, may I be buried at the very
threshold of the door; let this hag be stood upright on my grave, let her
be coated alive with pitch and her legs covered with molten lead up to
the ankles, and let her be set alight as a funeral lamp.

A SERVANT-MAID TO PRAXAGORA (_she comes from the banquet_). What
happiness is the people's! what joy is mine, and above all that of my
mistress! Happy are ye, who form choruses before our house! Happy all ye,
both neighbours and fellow-citizens! Happy am I myself! I am but a
servant, and yet I have poured on my hair the most exquisite essences.
Let thanks be rendered to thee, oh, Zeus! But a still more delicious
aroma is that of the wine of Thasos; its sweet bouquet delights the
drinker for a long enough, whereas the others lose their bloom and vanish
quickly. Therefore, long life to the wine-jars of Thasos! Pour yourselves
out unmixed wine, it will cheer you the whole night through, if you
choose the liquor that possesses most fragrance. But tell me, friends,
where is my mistress's husband?

CHORUS. Wait for him here; he will no doubt pass this way.

MAID-SERVANT. Ah! there he is just going to dinner. Oh! master! what joy!
what blessedness is yours!

BLEPYRUS. Ah! d'you think so?

MAID-SERVANT. None can compare his happiness to yours; you have reached
its utmost height, you who, alone out of thirty thousand citizens, have
not yet dined.

CHORUS Aye, here is undoubtedly a truly happy man.

MAID-SERVANT. Where are you off to?

BLEPYRUS. I am going to dine.

MAID-SERVANT. By Aphrodite, you will be the last of all, far and away the
last. Yet my mistress has bidden me take you and take with you these
young girls. Some Chian wine is left and lots of other good things.
Therefore hurry, and invite likewise all the spectators whom we have
pleased, and such of the judges as are not against us, to follow us; we
will offer them everything they can desire. Let our hospitality be large
and generous; forget no one, neither old nor young men, nor children.
Dinner is ready for them all; they have but to go . . . home. [733]

CHORUS. I am betaking myself to the banquet with this torch in my hand
according to custom. But why do you tarry, Blepyrus? Take these young
girls with you and, while you are away a while, I will whet my appetite
with some dining-song. I have but a few words to say: let the wise judge
me because of whatever is wise in this piece, and those who like a laugh
by whatever has made them laugh. In this way I address pretty well
everyone. If the lot has assigned my comedy to be played first of all,
don't let that be a disadvantage to me; engrave in your memory all that
shall have pleased you in it and judge the competitors equitably as you
have bound yourselves by oath to do. Don't act like vile courtesans, who
never remember any but their last lover. It is time, friends, high time
to go to the banquet, if we want to have our share of it. Open your ranks
and let the Cretan rhythms regulate your dances. [734]

SEMI-CHORUS. Ready; we are ready!

CHORUS. And you others, let your light steps too keep time. Very soon
will be served a very fine menu[*]--oysters-saltfish-skate-sharks'-heads
left-over-vinegar-dressing-laserpitium-leek-with-honey-sauce-thrush
blackbird-pigeon-dove-roast-cock's-brains-wagtail-cushat-hare-stewed
in-new-wine-gristle-of-veal-pullet's-wings. [735] Come, quick, seize
hold of a plate, snatch up a cup, and let's run to secure a place at
table. The rest will have their jaws at work by this time.

[* Transcriber's note: In the original, all following words until 'wings'
are connected with hyphens, i. e. they form _one_ word. ]

SEMI-CHORUS. Let up leap and dance, Io! evoe! Let us to dinner, Io! evoe.
For victory is ours, victory is ours! Ho! Victory! Io! evoe!

* * * * *

FINIS OF "THE ECCLESIAZUSAE"

* * * * *

Footnotes:

[648] A parody of the pompous addresses to inanimate objects so frequent
in the prologues and monodies of Euripides.

[649] A festival which was kept in Athens in the month of scirophorion
(June), whence its name; the statues of Athene, Demeter, Persephone,
Apollo and Posidon were borne through the city with great pomp with
banners or canopies ([Greek: skira]) over them.

[650] Unknown.

[651] So as to get sunburnt and thus have a more manly appearance.

[652] A demagogue, well known on account of his long flowing beard; he
was nicknamed by his fellow-citizens [Greek: Sakesphoros] that is,
shield-bearer, because his beard came down to his waist and covered his
body like a shield.

[653] Unknown.

[654] Whereas the arms must be extended to do carding, and folk could not
fail to recognize her as a woman by their shape.

[655] Agyrrhius was an Athenian general, who commanded at Lesbos; he was
effeminate and of depraved habits. No doubt he had let his beard grow to
impose on the masses and to lend himself that dignity which he was
naturally wanting in. --Pronomus was a flute-player, who had a fine beard.

[656] Young pigs were sacrificed at the beginning of the sittings; here
the comic writer substitutes a cat for the pig, perhaps because of its
lasciviousness.

[657] A pathic; Aristophanes classes him with the women, because of his
effeminacy.

[658] The orators wore green chaplets, generally of olive leaves; guests
also wore them at feasts, but then flowers were mingled with the leaves.

[659] An allusion to the rapacity of the orators, who only meddled in
political discussions with the object of getting some personal gain
through their influence; also to the fondness for strong drink we find
attributed in so many passages to the Athenian women.

[660] A sort of cistern dug in the ground, in which the ancients kept
their wine.

[661] This was a form of oath that women made use of; hence it is barred
by Praxagora.

[662] Another pathic, like Ariphrades, mentioned above.
[663] Before the time of Pericles, when manners had not yet become
corrupt, the fame of each citizen was based on fact; worthy men were
honoured, and those who resembled Agyrrhius, already mentioned, were
detested. For this general, see note a little above.

[664] The alliance with Corinth, Boeotia and Argolis against Sparta in
393 B. C.

[665] Conon, who went to Asia Minor and was thrown into prison at Sardis
by the Persian Satrap.

[666] An Argive to whom Conon entrusted the command of his fleet when he
went to the court of the King of Persia. --In this passage the poet is
warning his fellow-citizens not to alienate the goodwill of the allies by
their disdain, but to know how to honour those among them who had
distinguished themselves by their talents.

[667] The Lacedaemonians, after having recalled their king, Agesilas, who
gained the victory of Coronea, were themselves beaten at sea off Cnidus
by Conon and Pharnabazus. 'Twas no doubt this victory which gave a _spark
of hope_ to the Athenians, who had suffered so cruelly during so many
years; but Aristophanes declares that, in order to profit by this return
of fortune, they must recall Thrasybulus, the deliverer of Athens in 401
B. C. He was then ostensibly employed in getting the islands of the Aegean
sea and the towns of the Asiatic coast to return under the Athenian
power, but this was really only an honourable excuse for thrusting him
aside for reasons of jealousy.

[668] Unknown.

[669] During the earlier years of the Peloponnesian war, when the annual
invasion of Attica by the Lacedaemonians drove the country population
into the city.

[670] A demagogue, otherwise unknown.

[671] Cephalus' father was said to have been a tinker.

[672] The comic poets accused him of being an alien by birth and also an
informer and a rogue. See the 'Plutus. '

[673] There was a Greek saying, "_Look into the backside of a dog and of
three foxes_" which, says the Scholiast, used to be addressed to those
who had bad eyes. But the precise point of the joke here is difficult to
see.

[674] An obscene allusion; [Greek: hupokrouein] means both _pulsare_ and
_subagitare_,--to strike, and also to move to the man in sexual
intercourse.

[675] In order to vote.

[676] The Chorus addresses the leaders amongst the women by the names of
men. Charitimides was commander of the Athenian navy.

[677] The countryfolk affected to despise the townspeople, whom they
dubbed idle and lazy.

[678] The fee of the citizens who attended the Assembly had varied like
that of the dicasts, or jurymen.

[679] An Athenian general, who gained brilliant victories over the
Thebans during the period prior to the Peloponnesian war.

[680] A dithyrambic poet, and notorious for his dissoluteness; he was
accused of having daubed the statues of Hecate at the Athenian
cross-roads with ordure.

[681] The women wore yellow tunics, called [Greek: krok_otoi], because of
their colour.

[682] This Thrasybulus, not to be confounded with the more famous
Thrasybulus, restorer of the Athenian democracy, in 403 B. C. , had
undertaken to speak against the Spartans, who had come with proposals of
peace, but afterwards excused himself, pretending to be labouring under a
sore throat, brought on by eating wild pears (B. C. 393). The Athenians
suspected him of having been bribed by the Spartans.

[683] A coined word, derived from [Greek: _achras_], a wild pear.

[684] Amynon was not a physician, according to the Scholiast, but one of
those orators called [Greek: europr_oktoi] (_laticuli_) 'wide-arsed,'
because addicted to habits of pathic vice, and was invoked by Blepyrus
for that reason.

[685] A doctor notorious for his dissolute life.

[686] The Grecian goddess who presided over child-birth.

[687] He is afraid lest some comic poet should surprise him in his
ridiculous position and might cause a laugh at his expense upon the
stage.

[688] In accordance with a quaint Athenian custom a rope daubed with
vermilion was drawn across from end to end of the Agora (market-place) by
officials of the city at the last moment before the Ecclesia, or Public
Assembly, was to meet. Any citizen trying to evade his duty to be present
was liable to have his white robe streaked red, and so be exposed to
general ridicule on finally putting in an appearance on the Pnyx.

[689] A parody on a verse in 'The Myrmidons' of Aeschylus. --Antilochus
was the son of Nestor; he was killed by Memnon, when defending his
father.

[690] See above.

[691] He was very poor, and his cloak was such a mass of holes that one
might doubt his having one at all. This surname, Evaeon ([Greek: eu
ai_on], delicious life) had doubtless been given him on the 'lucus a non'
principle because of his wretchedness.

[692] Apparently a wealthy corn-factor.

[693] Presumably this refers to the grandson of Nicias, the leader of the
expedition to Sicily; he must have been sixteen or seventeen years old
about that time, since, according to Lysias, Niceratus, the son of the
great Nicias, was killed in 405 B. C. and had left a son of tender age
behind him, who bore the name of his grandfather.

[694] That is, the pale-faced folk in the Assembly already referred
to--really the women there present surreptitiously.

[695] To eat cuttle-fish was synonymous with enjoying the highest
felicity.

[696] A common vulgar saying, used among the Athenians, as much as to
say, _To the devil with interruptions! _

[697] This stood in the centre of the market-place.

[698] It was the custom at Athens to draw lots to decide in which Court
each dicast should serve; Praxagora proposes to apply the same system to
decide the dining station for each citizen.

[699] In Greek [Greek: h_e basileius]([Greek: stoa], understood), the
first letter a [Greek: b_eta. ]

[700] Commencing with a [Greek: Th_eta].

[701] [Greek: Ha alphitop_olis stoa]; why [Greek: kappa], it is hard to
say; from some popular nickname probably, which is unknown to us.

[702] The pun cannot be kept in English; it is between [Greek: kaptein],
to gobble, to cram oneself, and [Greek: kappa], the designating letter.

[703] That is, one of the beautiful maidens selected to bear the baskets
containing the sacred implements in procession at the Festival of
Demeter, Bacchus and Athene.

[704] The slave-girl who attended each Canephoros, and sheltered her from
the sun's rays.

[705] Mentioned a little above for his ugliness; the Scholiast says he
was a general.

[706] Hydriaphoros; the wives of resident aliens ([Greek: metoikoi]) were
allowed to take part in these processions, but in a subordinate position;
they carried vessels full of water for the service of the sacrifice.

[707] Scaphephoros, bearer of the vases containing the honey required for
the sacrifices. The office was assigned to the [Greek: metoikoi] as a
recognition of their semi-citizenship.

[708] A miser, who, moreover, was obstinately constipated.

[709] Presumably a man in extreme poverty.

[710] The ancients carried small coins in their mouth; this custom still
obtains to-day in the East.

[711] This Euripides was the son of the tragic poet.

[712] This Smaeus was a notorious debauchee; the phrase contains obscene
allusions, implying that he was ready both to ride a woman or to lick her
privates--[Greek: kel_etizein] or [Greek: lesbiazein].

[713] Geres, an old fop, who wanted to pass as a young man.

[714] According to Greek custom, these were left at the entrance of the
banqueting-hall.

[715] The names of his slaves.

[716] A specimen of the _serenades_ ([Greek: paraklausithura]) of the
Greeks.

[717] An Attic deme. There is an obscene jest here; the word [Greek:
anaphlan] means to masturbate.

[718] [Greek: Ton Sebinon], a coined name, representing [Greek: ton se
binounta], 'the man who is to tread you. '

[719] The passage is written in the language of the Bar. It is an
allusion to the slowness of justice at Athens.

[720] i. e. the new law must be conformed to all round.

[721] It was customary to paint phials or little bottles on the coffins
of the poor; these emblems took the place of the perfumes that were
sprinkled on the bodies of the rich.

[722] i. e. unless I am your slave; no doubt this tax of five hundredths
was paid by the master on the assumed value of his slave. --We have,
however, no historical data to confirm this.

[723] Nickname of the notorious brigand. The word means 'one who
stretches and tortures,' from [Greek: prokrouein], and refers to his
habit of fitting all his captives to the same bedstead--the 'bed of
Procrustes'--stretching them if too short to the required length, lopping
their limbs as required if they were too long. Here a further pun is
involved, [Greek: prokrouein] meaning also 'to go with a woman first. '

[724] Athenian law declared it illegal for a woman to contract any debt
exceeding the price of a _medimnus_ of corn; this law is now supposed to
affect the men.

[725] Merchants were exempt from military service; in this case, it is
another kind of service that the old woman wants to exact from the young
man.

[726] A Thracian brigand, who forced strangers to share his daughters'
bed, or be devoured by his horses.

[727] Dead bodies were laid out on a layer of origanum, which is an
aromatic plant.

[728] The young man is here describing the formalities connected with the
laying out of the dead.

[729] Who had married his mother Jocasta without knowing it.

[730] A hideous spectre that Hecate was supposed to send to frighten men.

[731] Which provided that where a number of criminals were charged with
the same offence, each must be tried separately.

[732] As an aphrodisiac.

[733] We have already seen similar waggish endings to phrases in the
'Lysistrata'; the figure is called [Greek: para prosdokian]--'contrary to
expectation. '

[734] Nothing is known as to these Cretan rhythms. According to the
Scholiast, this is a jest, because the Cretans, who were great eaters,
sat down to table early in the morning. This is what the Chorus supposes
it is going to do, since 'The Ecclesiazusae' was played first, i. e.
during the forenoon.

[735] This wonderful word consists, in the original Greek, of
seventy-seven syllables. For similar burlesque compounds see the
'Lysistrata,' 457, 458; 'Wasps,' 505 and 520. Compare Shakespeare,
'Love's Labour's Lost,' Act V. sc. 1: "I marvel thy master hath not eaten
thee for a word; for thou art not so long by the head as
_honorificabilitudinitatibus_. " This is outdone by Rabelais'
_Antipericatametaanaparbeugedamphicribrationibus_.




PLUTUS[*]




[* Transcriber's note: This caption is missing in the original. ]

INTRODUCTION

The 'Plutus' differs widely from all other works of its Author, and, it
must be confessed, is the least interesting and diverting of them all.
"In its absence of personal interests and personal satire," and its lack
of strong comic incidents, "it approximates rather to a whimsical
allegory than a comedy properly so called. "

The plot is of the simplest. Chremylus, a poor but just man, accompanied
by his body-servant Cario--the redeeming feature, by the by, of an
otherwise dull play, the original type of the comic valet of the stage of
all subsequent periods--consults the Delphic Oracle concerning his son,
whether he ought not to be instructed in injustice and knavery and the
other arts whereby worldly men acquire riches. By way of answer the god
only tells him that he is to follow whomsoever he first meets upon
leaving the temple, who proves to be a blind and ragged old man. But this
turns out to be no other than Plutus himself, the god of riches, whom
Zeus has robbed of his eyesight, so that he may be unable henceforth to
distinguish between the just and the unjust. However, succoured by
Chremylus and conducted by him to the Temple of Aesculapius, Plutus
regains the use of his eyes. Whereupon all just men, including the god's
benefactor, are made rich and prosperous, and the unjust reduced to
indigence.

The play was, it seems, twice put upon the stage--first in 408 B. C. , and
again in a revised and reinforced edition, with allusions and innuendoes
brought up to date, in 388 B. C. , a few years before the Author's death.
The text we possess--marred, however, by several considerable lacunae--is
now generally allowed to be that of the piece as played at the later
date, when it won the prize.

* * * * *

PLUTUS


DRAMATIS PERSONAE

CHREMYLUS.
CARIO, Servant of Chremylus.
PLUTUS, God of Riches.
BLEPSIDEMUS, friend of Chremylus.
WIFE OF CHREMYLUS.
POVERTY.
A JUST MAN.
AN INFORMER, or Sycophant.
AN OLD WOMAN.
A YOUTH.
HERMES.
A PRIEST OF ZEUS.
CHORUS OF RUSTICS.

SCENE: In front of a farmhouse--a road leading up to it.

* * * * *

PLUTUS


CARIO. What an unhappy fate, great gods, to be the slave of a fool! A
servant may give the best of advice, but if his master does not follow
it, the poor slave must inevitably have his share in the disaster; for
fortune does not allow him to dispose of his own body, it belongs to his
master who has bought it. Alas! 'tis the way of the world. But the god,
Apollo, whose oracles the Pythian priestess on her golden tripod makes
known to us, deserves my censure, for 'tis assured he is a physician and
a cunning diviner; and yet my master is leaving his temple infected with
mere madness and insists on following a blind man. Is this not opposed to
all good sense? 'Tis for us, who see clearly, to guide those who don't;
whereas he clings to the trail of a blind fellow and compels me to do the
same without answering my questions with ever a word. (_To Chremylus. _)
Aye, master, unless you tell me why we are following this unknown fellow,
I will not be silent, but I will worry and torment you, for you cannot
beat me because of my sacred chaplet of laurel.

CHREMYLUS. No, but if you worry me I will take off your chaplet, and then
you will only get a sounder thrashing.

CARIO. That's an old song! I am going to leave you no peace till you have
told me who this man is; and if I ask it, 'tis entirely because of my
interest in you.

CHREMYLUS. Well, be it so. I will reveal it to you as being the most
faithful and the most rascally of all my servants. [736] I honoured the
gods and did what was right, and yet I was none the less poor and
unfortunate.

CARIO. I know it but too well.

CHREMYLUS. Other amassed wealth--the sacrilegious, the demagogues, the
informers,[737] indeed every sort of rascal.

CARIO. I believe you.

CHREMYLUS. Therefore I came to consult the oracle of the god, not on my
own account, for my unfortunate life is nearing its end, but for my only
son; I wanted to ask Apollo, if it was necessary for him to become a
thorough knave and renounce his virtuous principles, since that seemed to
me to be the only way to succeed in life.

CARIO. And with what responding tones did the sacred tripod resound? [738]

CHREMYLUS. You shall know. The god ordered me in plain terms to follow
the first man I should meet upon leaving the temple and to persuade him
to accompany me home.

CARIO. And who was the first one you met?

CHREMYLUS. This blind man.

CARIO. And you are stupid enough not to understand the meaning of such an
answer? Why, the god was advising you thereby, and that in the clearest
possible way, to bring up your son according to the fashion of your
country.

CHREMYLUS. What makes you think that?

CARIO. Is it not evident to the blind, that nowadays to do nothing that
is right is the best way to get on?

CHREMYLUS. No, that is not the meaning of the oracle; there must be
another, that is nobler. If this blind man would tell us who he is and
why and with what object he has led us here, we should no doubt
understand what our oracle really does mean.

CARIO (_to Plutus_). Come, tell us at once who you are, or I give effect
to my threat. (_He menaces him_. ) And quick too, be quick, I say.

PLUTUS. I'll thrash you.

CARIO (_to Chremylus_). Ha! is it thus he tells us his name?

CHREMYLUS. 'Tis to you and not to me that he replies thus; your mode of
questioning him was ill-advised. (_To Plutus. _) Come, friend, if you care
to oblige an honest man, answer me.

PLUTUS. I'll knock you down.