the wife and husband, the keeper and
the mistress?
the mistress?
Dryden - Complete
Dioclesian, and Julian the
apostate, were but types of thee. Get thee hence, thou old Geneva
testament: thou art a part of the ceremonial law, and hast been
abolished these twenty years.
_Saint. _ All this is nothing, sir. I am privy to your plots: I'll
discover them to Mr Limberham, and make the house too hot for you.
_Wood. _ What, you can talk in the language of the world, I see!
_Saint. _ I can, I can, sir; and in the language of the flesh and devil
too, if you provoke me to despair: You must, and shall be mine, this
night.
_Wood. _ The very ghost of queen Dido in the ballad. [10]
_Saint. _ Delay no longer, or--
_Wood. _ Or! you will not swear, I hope?
_Saint. _ Uds-niggers but I will; and that so loud, that Mr Limberham
shall hear me.
_Wood. _ Uds-niggers, I confess, is a very dreadful oath. You could lie
naturally before, as you are a fanatic; if you can swear such rappers
too, there is hope of you; you may be a woman of the world in time.
Well, you shall be satisfied, to the utmost farthing, to-night, and in
your own chamber.
_Saint. _ Or, expect to-morrow--
_Wood. _ All shall be atoned ere then. Go, provide the bottle of clary,
the Westphalia ham, and other fortifications of nature; we shall see
what may be done. What! an old woman must not be cast away.
[_Chucks her. _
_Saint. _ Then, verily, I am appeased.
_Wood. _ Nay, no relapsing into verily; that is in our bargain. Look
how she weeps for joy! It is a good old soul, I warrant her.
_Saint. _ You will not fail?
_Wood. _ Dost thou think I have no compassion for thy gray hairs? Away,
away; our love may be discovered: We must avoid scandal; it is thy own
maxim. [_Exit_ SAINTLY.
They are all now at ombre; and Brainsick's maid has promised to send
her mistress up.
_Enter_ PLEASANCE.
That fury here again!
_Pleas. _ [_Aside. _] I'll conquer my proud spirit, I am resolved on it,
and speak kindly to him. --What, alone, sir! If my company be not
troublesome; or a tender young creature, as I am, may safely trust
herself with a man of such prowess, in love affairs--It wonnot be.
_Wood. _ So! there is one broadside already: I must sheer off.
[_Aside. _
_Pleas. _ What, you have been pricking up and down here upon a cold
scent[11]; but, at last, you have hit it off, it seems! Now for a fair
view at the wife or mistress: up the wind, and away with it: Hey,
Jowler! --I think I am bewitched, I cannot hold.
_Wood. _ Your servant, your servant, madam: I am in a little haste at
present. [_Going. _
_Pleas. _ Pray resolve me first, for which of them you lie in ambush;
for, methinks, you have the mien of a spider in her den. Come, I know
the web is spread, and whoever comes, Sir Cranion stands ready to dart
out, hale her in, and shed his venom.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] But such a terrible wasp, as she, will spoil the
snare, if I durst tell her so.
_Pleas. _ It is unconscionably done of me, to debar you the freedom and
civilities of the house. Alas, poor gentleman! to take a lodging at so
dear a rate, and not to have the benefit of his bargain! --Mischief on
me, what needed I have said that? [_Aside. _
_Wood. _ The dialogue will go no farther. Farewell, gentle, quiet lady.
_Pleas. _ Pray stay a little; I'll not leave you thus.
_Wood. _ I know it; and therefore mean to leave you first.
_Pleas. _ O, I find it now! you are going to set up your bills, like a
love-mountebank, for the speedy cure of distressed widows, old ladies,
and languishing maids in the green-sickness: a sovereign remedy.
_Wood. _ That last, for maids, would be thrown away: Few of your age
are qualified for the medicine. What the devil would you be at, madam?
_Pleas. _ I am in the humour of giving you good counsel. The wife can
afford you but the leavings of a fop; and to a witty man, as you think
yourself, that is nauseous: The mistress has fed upon a fool so long,
she is carrion too, and common into the bargain. Would you beat a
ground for game in the afternoon, when my lord mayor's pack had been
before you in the morning?
_Wood. _ I had rather sit five hours at one of his greasy feasts, then
hear you talk.
_Pleas. _ Your two mistresses keep both shop and warehouse; and what
they cannot put off in gross, to the keeper and the husband, they sell
by retail to the next chance-customer. Come, are you edified?
_Wood. _ I am considering how to thank you for your homily; and, to
make a sober application of it, you may have some laudable design
yourself in this advice.
_Pleas. _ Meaning, some secret inclination to that amiable person of
yours?
_Wood. _ I confess, I am vain enough to hope it; for why should you
remove the two dishes, but to make me fall more hungrily on the third?
_Pleas. _ Perhaps, indeed, in the way of honour--
_Wood. _ Paw, paw! that word honour has almost turned my stomach: it
carries a villainous interpretation of matrimony along with it. But,
in a civil way, I could be content to deal with you, as the church
does with the heads of your fanatics, offer you a lusty benefice to
stop your mouth; if fifty guineas, and a courtesy more worth, will win
you.
_Pleas. _ Out upon thee! fifty guineas! Dost thou think I'll sell
myself? And at a playhouse price too? Whenever I go, I go all
together: No cutting from the whole piece; he who has me shall have
the fag-end with the rest, I warrant him. Be satisfied, thy sheers
shall never enter into my cloth. But, look to thyself, thou impudent
belswagger: I will he revenged; I will. [_Exit. _
_Wood. _ The maid will give warning, that is my comfort; for she is
bribed on my side. I have another kind of love to this girl, than to
either of the other two; but a fanatic's daughter, and the noose of
matrimony, are such intolerable terms! O, here she comes, who will
sell me better cheap.
SCENE _opens to_ BRAINSICK'S _Apartment. _
_Enter Mrs_ BRAINSICK.
_Mrs Brain. _ How now, sir? what impudence is this of yours, to
approach my lodgings?
_Wood. _ You lately honoured mine; and it is the part of a well-bred
man, to return your visit.
_Mrs Brain. _ If I could have imagined how base a fellow you had been,
you should not then have been troubled with my company.
_Wood. _ How could I guess, that you intended me the favour, without
first acquainting me?
_Mrs Brain. _ Could I do it, ungrateful as you are, with more
obligation to you, or more hazard to myself, than by putting my note
into your glove?
_Wood. _ Was it yours, then? I believed it came from Mrs Tricksy.
_Mrs Brain. _ You wished it so; which made you so easily believe it. I
heard the pleasant dialogue betwixt you.
_Wood. _ I am glad you did; for you could not but observe, with how
much care I avoided all occasions of railing at you; to which she
urged me, like a malicious woman, as she was.
_Mrs Brain. _ By the same token, you vowed and swore never to look on
Mrs Brainsick!
_Wood. _ But I had my mental reservations in a readiness. I had vowed
fidelity to you before; and there went my second oath, i'faith: it
vanished in a twinkling, and never gnawed my conscience in the least.
_Mrs Brain. _ Well, I shall never heartily forgive you.
_Jud. _ [_Within. _] Mr Brainsick, Mr Brainsick, what do you mean, to
make my lady lose her game thus? Pray, come back, and take up her
cards again.
_Mrs Brain. _ My husband, as I live! Well, for all my quarrel to you,
step immediately into that little dark closet: it is for my private
occasions; there is no lock, but he will not stay.
_Wood. _ Thus am I ever tantalized! [_Goes in. _
_Enter_ BRAINSICK.
_Brain. _ What, am I become your drudge? your slave? the property of
all your pleasures? Shall I, the lord and master of your life, become
subservient; and the noble name of husband be dishonoured? No, though
all the cards were kings and queens, and Indies to be gained by every
deal--
_Mrs Brain. _ My dear, I am coming to do my duty. I did but go up a
little, (I whispered you for what) and am returning immediately.
_Brain. _ Your sex is but one universal ordure, a nuisance, and
incumbrance of that majestic creature, man: yet I myself am mortal
too. Nature's necessities have called me up; produce your utensil of
urine.
_Mrs Brain. _ It is not in the way, child: You may go down into the
garden.
_Brain. _ The voyage is too far: though the way were paved with pearls
and diamonds, every step of mine is precious, as the march of
monarchs.
_Mrs Brain. _ Then my steps, which are not so precious, shall be
employed for you: I will call up Judith.
_Brain. _ I will not dance attendance. At the present, your closet
shall be honoured.
_Mrs Brain. _ O lord, dear, it is not worthy to receive such a man as
you are.
_Brain. _ Nature presses; I am in haste.
_Mrs Brain. _ He must be discovered, and I unavoidably undone!
[_Aside. _
[BRAINSICK _goes to the door, and_ WOODALL
_meets him: She shrieks out. _
_Brain. _ Monsieur Woodall!
_Wood. _ Sir, begone, and make no noise, or you will spoil all.
_Brain. _ Spoil all, quotha! what does he mean, in the name of wonder?
_Wood. _ [_Taking him aside. _] Hark you, Mr Brainsick, is the devil in
you, that you and your wife come hither, to disturb my intrigue, which
you yourself engaged me in, with Mrs Tricksy, to revenge you on
Limberham? Why, I had made an appointment with her here; but, hearing
somebody come up, I retired into the closet, till I was satisfied it
was not the keeper.
_Brain. _ But why this intrigue in my wife's chamber?
_Wood. _ Why, you turn my brains, with talking to me of your wife's
chamber! do you lie in common?
the wife and husband, the keeper and
the mistress?
_Mrs Brain. _ I am afraid they are quarrelling; pray heaven I get off.
_Brain. _ Once again, I am the sultan of this place: Mr Limberham is
the mogul of the next mansion.
_Wood. _ Though I am a stranger in the house, it is impossible I should
be so much mistaken: I say, this is Limberham's lodging.
_Brain. _ You would not venture a wager of ten pounds, that you are not
mistaken?
_Wood. _ It is done: I will lay you.
_Brain. _ Who shall be judge?
_Wood. _ Who better than your wife? She cannot be partial, because she
knows not on which side you have laid.
_Brain. _ Content. --Come hither, lady mine: Whose lodgings are these?
who is lord, and grand seignior of them?
_Mrs Brain. _ [_Aside. _] Oh, goes it there? --Why should you ask me such
a question, when every body in the house can tell they are 'nown
dear's?
_Brain. _ Now are you satisfied? Children and fools, you know the
proverb--
_Wood. _ Pox on me! nothing but such a positive coxcomb as I am, would
have laid his money upon such odds; as if you did not know your own
lodgings better than I, at half a day's warning! And that which vexes
me more than the loss of my money, is the loss of my adventure!
[_Exit. _
_Brain. _ It shall be spent: We will have a treat with it. This is a
fool of the first magnitude.
_Mrs Brain. _ Let my own dear alone, to find a fool out.
_Enter_ LIMBERHAM.
_Limb. _ Bully Brainsick, Pug has sent me to you on an embassy, to
bring you down to cards again; she is in her mulligrubs already; she
will never forgive you the last _vol_ you won. It is but losing a
little to her, out of complaisance, as they say, to a fair lady; and
whatever she wins, I will make up to you again in private.
_Brain. _ I would not be that slave you are, to enjoy the treasures of
the east. The possession of Peru, and of Potosi, should not buy me to
the bargain.
_Limb. _ Will you leave your perboles, and come then?
_Brain. _ No; for I have won a wager, to be spent luxuriously at
Long's; with Pleasance of the party, and Termagant Tricksy; and I will
pass, in person, to the preparation: Come, matrimony.
[_Exeunt_ BRAINSICK, _Mrs_ BRAIN.
_Enter_ SAINTLY, _and_ PLEASANCE.
_Pleas. _ To him: I'll second you: now for mischief!
_Saint. _ Arise, Mr Limberham, arise; for conspiracies are hatched
against you, and a new Faux is preparing to blow up your happiness.
_Limb. _ What is the matter, landlady? Pr'ythee, speak good honest
English, and leave thy canting.
_Saint. _ Verily, thy beloved is led astray, by the young man Woodall,
that vessel of uncleanness: I beheld them communing together; she
feigned herself sick, and retired to her tent in the garden-house; and
I watched her out-going, and behold he followed her.
_Pleas. _ Do you stand unmoved, and hear all this?
_Limb. _ Before George, I am thunder-struck!
_Saint. _ Take to thee thy resolution, and avenge thyself.
_Limb. _ But give me leave to consider first: A man must do nothing
rashly.
_Pleas. _ I could tear out the villain's eyes, for dishonouring you,
while you stand considering, as you call it. Are you a man, and suffer
this?
_Limb. _ Yes, I am a man; but a man's but a man, you know: I am
recollecting myself, how these things can be.
_Saint. _ How they can be! I have heard them; I have seen them.
_Limb. _ Heard them, and seen them! It may be so; but yet I cannot
enter into this same business: I am amazed, I must confess; but the
best is, I do not believe one word of it.
_Saint. _ Make haste, and thine own eyes shall testify against her.
_Limb. _ Nay, if my own eyes testify, it may be so:--but it is
impossible, however; for I am making a settlement upon her, this very
day.
_Pleas. _ Look, and satisfy yourself, ere you make that settlement on
so false a creature.
_Limb. _ But yet, if I should look, and not find her false, then I must
cast in another hundred, to make her satisfaction.
_Pleas. _ Was there ever such a meek, hen-hearted creature!
_Saint. _ Verily, thou has not the spirit of a cock-chicken.
_Limb. _ Before George, but I have the spirit of a lion, and I will
tear her limb from limb--if I could believe it.
_Pleas. _ Love, jealousy, and disdain, how they torture me at once! and
this insensible creature--were I but in his place--[_To him. _] Think,
that this very instant she is yours no more: Now, now she is giving up
herself, with so much violence of love, that if thunder roared, she
could not hear it.
_Limb. _ I have been whetting all this while: They shall be so taken in
the manner, that Mars and Venus shall be nothing to them.
_Pleas. _ Make haste; go on then.
_Limb. _ Yes, I will go on;--and yet my mind misgives me plaguily.
_Saint. _ Again backsliding!
_Pleas. _ Have you no sense of honour in you?
_Limb. _ Well, honour is honour, and I must go: But I shall never get
me such another Pug again! O, my heart! my poor tender heart! it is
just breaking with Pug's unkindness! [_They drag him out. _
SCENE II. --WOODALL _and_ TRICKSY _discovered in the Garden-house. _
_Enter_ GERVASE _to them. _
_Gerv. _ Make haste, and save yourself, sir; the enemy's at hand: I
have discovered him from the corner, where you set me sentry.
_Wood. _ Who is it?
_Gerv. _ Who should it be, but Limberham? armed with a two-hand fox. O
Lord, O Lord!
_Trick. _ Enter quickly into the still-house, both of you, and leave me
to him: There is a spring-lock within, to open it when we are gone.
_Wood. _ Well, I have won the party and revenge, however: A minute
longer, and I had won the tout. [_They go in: She locks the Door. _
_Enter_ LIMBERHAM, _with a great Sword. _
_Limb. _ Disloyal Pug!
_Trick. _ What humour is this? you are drunk, it seems: Go sleep.
_Limb. _ Thou hast robbed me of my repose for ever: I am like Macbeth,
after the death of good king Duncan; methinks a voice says to
me,--Sleep no more; Tricksy has murdered sleep.
_Trick. _ Now I find it: You are willing to save your settlement, and
are sent by some of your wise counsellors, to pick a quarrel with me.
_Limb. _ I have been your cully above these seven years; but, at last,
my eyes are opened to your witchcraft; and indulgent heaven has taken
care of my preservation. In short, madam, I have found you out; and,
to cut off preambles, produce your adulterer.
_Trick. _ If I have any, you know him best: You are the only ruin of my
reputation. But if I have dishonoured my family, for the love of you,
methinks you should be the last man to upbraid me with it.
_Limb. _ I am sure you are of the family of your abominable great
grandam Eve; but produce the man, or, by my father's soul--
_Trick. _ Still I am in the dark.
_Limb. _ Yes, you have been in the dark; I know it: But I shall bring
you to light immediately.
_Trick. _ You are not jealous?
_Limb. _ No; I am too certain to be jealous: But you have a man here,
that shall be nameless; let me see him.
_Trick. _ Oh, if that be your business, you had best search: And when
you have wearied yourself, and spent your idle humour, you may find me
above, in my chamber, and come to ask my pardon. [_Going. _
_Limb. _ You may go, madam; but I shall beseech your ladyship to leave
the key of the still-house door behind you: I have a mind to some of
the sweet-meats you have locked up there; you understand me. Now, for
the old dog-trick! you have lost the key, I know already, but I am
prepared for that; you shall know you have no fool to deal with.
_Trick. _ No; here is the key: Take it, and satisfy your foolish
curiosity.
_Limb. _ [_Aside. _] This confidence amazes me! If those two gipsies
have abused me, and I should not find him there now, this would make
an immortal quarrel.
_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] I have put him to a stand.
_Limb. _ Hang it, it is no matter; I will be satisfied: If it comes to
a rupture, I know the way to buy my peace. Pug, produce the key.
_Trick. _ [_Takes him about the neck. _] My dear, I have it for you:
come, and kiss me. Why would you be so unkind to suspect my faith now!
when I have forsaken all the world for you. --[_Kiss again. _] But I am
not in the mood of quarrelling to-night; I take this jealousy the best
way, as the effect of your passion. Come up, and we will go to bed
together, and be friends. [_Kiss again. _
_Limb. _ [_Aside. _] Pug is in a pure humour to-night, and it would vex
a man to lose it; but yet I must be satisfied:--and therefore, upon
mature consideration, give me the key.
_Trick. _ You are resolved, then?
_Limb. _ Yes, I am resolved; for I have sworn to myself by Styx; and
that is an irrevocable oath.
_Trick. _ Now, see your folly: There's the key. [_Gives it him. _
_Limb. _ Why, that is a loving Pug; I will prove thee innocent
immediately: And that will put an end to all controversies betwixt us.
_Trick. _ Yes, it shall put an end to all our quarrels: Farewell for
the last time, sir. Look well upon my face, that you may remember it;
for, from this time forward, I have sworn it irrevocably too, that you
shall never see it more.
_Limb. _ Nay, but hold a little, Pug. What's the meaning of this new
commotion?
_Trick. _ No more; but satisfy your foolish fancy, for you are master:
and, besides, I am willing to be justified.
_Limb.
apostate, were but types of thee. Get thee hence, thou old Geneva
testament: thou art a part of the ceremonial law, and hast been
abolished these twenty years.
_Saint. _ All this is nothing, sir. I am privy to your plots: I'll
discover them to Mr Limberham, and make the house too hot for you.
_Wood. _ What, you can talk in the language of the world, I see!
_Saint. _ I can, I can, sir; and in the language of the flesh and devil
too, if you provoke me to despair: You must, and shall be mine, this
night.
_Wood. _ The very ghost of queen Dido in the ballad. [10]
_Saint. _ Delay no longer, or--
_Wood. _ Or! you will not swear, I hope?
_Saint. _ Uds-niggers but I will; and that so loud, that Mr Limberham
shall hear me.
_Wood. _ Uds-niggers, I confess, is a very dreadful oath. You could lie
naturally before, as you are a fanatic; if you can swear such rappers
too, there is hope of you; you may be a woman of the world in time.
Well, you shall be satisfied, to the utmost farthing, to-night, and in
your own chamber.
_Saint. _ Or, expect to-morrow--
_Wood. _ All shall be atoned ere then. Go, provide the bottle of clary,
the Westphalia ham, and other fortifications of nature; we shall see
what may be done. What! an old woman must not be cast away.
[_Chucks her. _
_Saint. _ Then, verily, I am appeased.
_Wood. _ Nay, no relapsing into verily; that is in our bargain. Look
how she weeps for joy! It is a good old soul, I warrant her.
_Saint. _ You will not fail?
_Wood. _ Dost thou think I have no compassion for thy gray hairs? Away,
away; our love may be discovered: We must avoid scandal; it is thy own
maxim. [_Exit_ SAINTLY.
They are all now at ombre; and Brainsick's maid has promised to send
her mistress up.
_Enter_ PLEASANCE.
That fury here again!
_Pleas. _ [_Aside. _] I'll conquer my proud spirit, I am resolved on it,
and speak kindly to him. --What, alone, sir! If my company be not
troublesome; or a tender young creature, as I am, may safely trust
herself with a man of such prowess, in love affairs--It wonnot be.
_Wood. _ So! there is one broadside already: I must sheer off.
[_Aside. _
_Pleas. _ What, you have been pricking up and down here upon a cold
scent[11]; but, at last, you have hit it off, it seems! Now for a fair
view at the wife or mistress: up the wind, and away with it: Hey,
Jowler! --I think I am bewitched, I cannot hold.
_Wood. _ Your servant, your servant, madam: I am in a little haste at
present. [_Going. _
_Pleas. _ Pray resolve me first, for which of them you lie in ambush;
for, methinks, you have the mien of a spider in her den. Come, I know
the web is spread, and whoever comes, Sir Cranion stands ready to dart
out, hale her in, and shed his venom.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] But such a terrible wasp, as she, will spoil the
snare, if I durst tell her so.
_Pleas. _ It is unconscionably done of me, to debar you the freedom and
civilities of the house. Alas, poor gentleman! to take a lodging at so
dear a rate, and not to have the benefit of his bargain! --Mischief on
me, what needed I have said that? [_Aside. _
_Wood. _ The dialogue will go no farther. Farewell, gentle, quiet lady.
_Pleas. _ Pray stay a little; I'll not leave you thus.
_Wood. _ I know it; and therefore mean to leave you first.
_Pleas. _ O, I find it now! you are going to set up your bills, like a
love-mountebank, for the speedy cure of distressed widows, old ladies,
and languishing maids in the green-sickness: a sovereign remedy.
_Wood. _ That last, for maids, would be thrown away: Few of your age
are qualified for the medicine. What the devil would you be at, madam?
_Pleas. _ I am in the humour of giving you good counsel. The wife can
afford you but the leavings of a fop; and to a witty man, as you think
yourself, that is nauseous: The mistress has fed upon a fool so long,
she is carrion too, and common into the bargain. Would you beat a
ground for game in the afternoon, when my lord mayor's pack had been
before you in the morning?
_Wood. _ I had rather sit five hours at one of his greasy feasts, then
hear you talk.
_Pleas. _ Your two mistresses keep both shop and warehouse; and what
they cannot put off in gross, to the keeper and the husband, they sell
by retail to the next chance-customer. Come, are you edified?
_Wood. _ I am considering how to thank you for your homily; and, to
make a sober application of it, you may have some laudable design
yourself in this advice.
_Pleas. _ Meaning, some secret inclination to that amiable person of
yours?
_Wood. _ I confess, I am vain enough to hope it; for why should you
remove the two dishes, but to make me fall more hungrily on the third?
_Pleas. _ Perhaps, indeed, in the way of honour--
_Wood. _ Paw, paw! that word honour has almost turned my stomach: it
carries a villainous interpretation of matrimony along with it. But,
in a civil way, I could be content to deal with you, as the church
does with the heads of your fanatics, offer you a lusty benefice to
stop your mouth; if fifty guineas, and a courtesy more worth, will win
you.
_Pleas. _ Out upon thee! fifty guineas! Dost thou think I'll sell
myself? And at a playhouse price too? Whenever I go, I go all
together: No cutting from the whole piece; he who has me shall have
the fag-end with the rest, I warrant him. Be satisfied, thy sheers
shall never enter into my cloth. But, look to thyself, thou impudent
belswagger: I will he revenged; I will. [_Exit. _
_Wood. _ The maid will give warning, that is my comfort; for she is
bribed on my side. I have another kind of love to this girl, than to
either of the other two; but a fanatic's daughter, and the noose of
matrimony, are such intolerable terms! O, here she comes, who will
sell me better cheap.
SCENE _opens to_ BRAINSICK'S _Apartment. _
_Enter Mrs_ BRAINSICK.
_Mrs Brain. _ How now, sir? what impudence is this of yours, to
approach my lodgings?
_Wood. _ You lately honoured mine; and it is the part of a well-bred
man, to return your visit.
_Mrs Brain. _ If I could have imagined how base a fellow you had been,
you should not then have been troubled with my company.
_Wood. _ How could I guess, that you intended me the favour, without
first acquainting me?
_Mrs Brain. _ Could I do it, ungrateful as you are, with more
obligation to you, or more hazard to myself, than by putting my note
into your glove?
_Wood. _ Was it yours, then? I believed it came from Mrs Tricksy.
_Mrs Brain. _ You wished it so; which made you so easily believe it. I
heard the pleasant dialogue betwixt you.
_Wood. _ I am glad you did; for you could not but observe, with how
much care I avoided all occasions of railing at you; to which she
urged me, like a malicious woman, as she was.
_Mrs Brain. _ By the same token, you vowed and swore never to look on
Mrs Brainsick!
_Wood. _ But I had my mental reservations in a readiness. I had vowed
fidelity to you before; and there went my second oath, i'faith: it
vanished in a twinkling, and never gnawed my conscience in the least.
_Mrs Brain. _ Well, I shall never heartily forgive you.
_Jud. _ [_Within. _] Mr Brainsick, Mr Brainsick, what do you mean, to
make my lady lose her game thus? Pray, come back, and take up her
cards again.
_Mrs Brain. _ My husband, as I live! Well, for all my quarrel to you,
step immediately into that little dark closet: it is for my private
occasions; there is no lock, but he will not stay.
_Wood. _ Thus am I ever tantalized! [_Goes in. _
_Enter_ BRAINSICK.
_Brain. _ What, am I become your drudge? your slave? the property of
all your pleasures? Shall I, the lord and master of your life, become
subservient; and the noble name of husband be dishonoured? No, though
all the cards were kings and queens, and Indies to be gained by every
deal--
_Mrs Brain. _ My dear, I am coming to do my duty. I did but go up a
little, (I whispered you for what) and am returning immediately.
_Brain. _ Your sex is but one universal ordure, a nuisance, and
incumbrance of that majestic creature, man: yet I myself am mortal
too. Nature's necessities have called me up; produce your utensil of
urine.
_Mrs Brain. _ It is not in the way, child: You may go down into the
garden.
_Brain. _ The voyage is too far: though the way were paved with pearls
and diamonds, every step of mine is precious, as the march of
monarchs.
_Mrs Brain. _ Then my steps, which are not so precious, shall be
employed for you: I will call up Judith.
_Brain. _ I will not dance attendance. At the present, your closet
shall be honoured.
_Mrs Brain. _ O lord, dear, it is not worthy to receive such a man as
you are.
_Brain. _ Nature presses; I am in haste.
_Mrs Brain. _ He must be discovered, and I unavoidably undone!
[_Aside. _
[BRAINSICK _goes to the door, and_ WOODALL
_meets him: She shrieks out. _
_Brain. _ Monsieur Woodall!
_Wood. _ Sir, begone, and make no noise, or you will spoil all.
_Brain. _ Spoil all, quotha! what does he mean, in the name of wonder?
_Wood. _ [_Taking him aside. _] Hark you, Mr Brainsick, is the devil in
you, that you and your wife come hither, to disturb my intrigue, which
you yourself engaged me in, with Mrs Tricksy, to revenge you on
Limberham? Why, I had made an appointment with her here; but, hearing
somebody come up, I retired into the closet, till I was satisfied it
was not the keeper.
_Brain. _ But why this intrigue in my wife's chamber?
_Wood. _ Why, you turn my brains, with talking to me of your wife's
chamber! do you lie in common?
the wife and husband, the keeper and
the mistress?
_Mrs Brain. _ I am afraid they are quarrelling; pray heaven I get off.
_Brain. _ Once again, I am the sultan of this place: Mr Limberham is
the mogul of the next mansion.
_Wood. _ Though I am a stranger in the house, it is impossible I should
be so much mistaken: I say, this is Limberham's lodging.
_Brain. _ You would not venture a wager of ten pounds, that you are not
mistaken?
_Wood. _ It is done: I will lay you.
_Brain. _ Who shall be judge?
_Wood. _ Who better than your wife? She cannot be partial, because she
knows not on which side you have laid.
_Brain. _ Content. --Come hither, lady mine: Whose lodgings are these?
who is lord, and grand seignior of them?
_Mrs Brain. _ [_Aside. _] Oh, goes it there? --Why should you ask me such
a question, when every body in the house can tell they are 'nown
dear's?
_Brain. _ Now are you satisfied? Children and fools, you know the
proverb--
_Wood. _ Pox on me! nothing but such a positive coxcomb as I am, would
have laid his money upon such odds; as if you did not know your own
lodgings better than I, at half a day's warning! And that which vexes
me more than the loss of my money, is the loss of my adventure!
[_Exit. _
_Brain. _ It shall be spent: We will have a treat with it. This is a
fool of the first magnitude.
_Mrs Brain. _ Let my own dear alone, to find a fool out.
_Enter_ LIMBERHAM.
_Limb. _ Bully Brainsick, Pug has sent me to you on an embassy, to
bring you down to cards again; she is in her mulligrubs already; she
will never forgive you the last _vol_ you won. It is but losing a
little to her, out of complaisance, as they say, to a fair lady; and
whatever she wins, I will make up to you again in private.
_Brain. _ I would not be that slave you are, to enjoy the treasures of
the east. The possession of Peru, and of Potosi, should not buy me to
the bargain.
_Limb. _ Will you leave your perboles, and come then?
_Brain. _ No; for I have won a wager, to be spent luxuriously at
Long's; with Pleasance of the party, and Termagant Tricksy; and I will
pass, in person, to the preparation: Come, matrimony.
[_Exeunt_ BRAINSICK, _Mrs_ BRAIN.
_Enter_ SAINTLY, _and_ PLEASANCE.
_Pleas. _ To him: I'll second you: now for mischief!
_Saint. _ Arise, Mr Limberham, arise; for conspiracies are hatched
against you, and a new Faux is preparing to blow up your happiness.
_Limb. _ What is the matter, landlady? Pr'ythee, speak good honest
English, and leave thy canting.
_Saint. _ Verily, thy beloved is led astray, by the young man Woodall,
that vessel of uncleanness: I beheld them communing together; she
feigned herself sick, and retired to her tent in the garden-house; and
I watched her out-going, and behold he followed her.
_Pleas. _ Do you stand unmoved, and hear all this?
_Limb. _ Before George, I am thunder-struck!
_Saint. _ Take to thee thy resolution, and avenge thyself.
_Limb. _ But give me leave to consider first: A man must do nothing
rashly.
_Pleas. _ I could tear out the villain's eyes, for dishonouring you,
while you stand considering, as you call it. Are you a man, and suffer
this?
_Limb. _ Yes, I am a man; but a man's but a man, you know: I am
recollecting myself, how these things can be.
_Saint. _ How they can be! I have heard them; I have seen them.
_Limb. _ Heard them, and seen them! It may be so; but yet I cannot
enter into this same business: I am amazed, I must confess; but the
best is, I do not believe one word of it.
_Saint. _ Make haste, and thine own eyes shall testify against her.
_Limb. _ Nay, if my own eyes testify, it may be so:--but it is
impossible, however; for I am making a settlement upon her, this very
day.
_Pleas. _ Look, and satisfy yourself, ere you make that settlement on
so false a creature.
_Limb. _ But yet, if I should look, and not find her false, then I must
cast in another hundred, to make her satisfaction.
_Pleas. _ Was there ever such a meek, hen-hearted creature!
_Saint. _ Verily, thou has not the spirit of a cock-chicken.
_Limb. _ Before George, but I have the spirit of a lion, and I will
tear her limb from limb--if I could believe it.
_Pleas. _ Love, jealousy, and disdain, how they torture me at once! and
this insensible creature--were I but in his place--[_To him. _] Think,
that this very instant she is yours no more: Now, now she is giving up
herself, with so much violence of love, that if thunder roared, she
could not hear it.
_Limb. _ I have been whetting all this while: They shall be so taken in
the manner, that Mars and Venus shall be nothing to them.
_Pleas. _ Make haste; go on then.
_Limb. _ Yes, I will go on;--and yet my mind misgives me plaguily.
_Saint. _ Again backsliding!
_Pleas. _ Have you no sense of honour in you?
_Limb. _ Well, honour is honour, and I must go: But I shall never get
me such another Pug again! O, my heart! my poor tender heart! it is
just breaking with Pug's unkindness! [_They drag him out. _
SCENE II. --WOODALL _and_ TRICKSY _discovered in the Garden-house. _
_Enter_ GERVASE _to them. _
_Gerv. _ Make haste, and save yourself, sir; the enemy's at hand: I
have discovered him from the corner, where you set me sentry.
_Wood. _ Who is it?
_Gerv. _ Who should it be, but Limberham? armed with a two-hand fox. O
Lord, O Lord!
_Trick. _ Enter quickly into the still-house, both of you, and leave me
to him: There is a spring-lock within, to open it when we are gone.
_Wood. _ Well, I have won the party and revenge, however: A minute
longer, and I had won the tout. [_They go in: She locks the Door. _
_Enter_ LIMBERHAM, _with a great Sword. _
_Limb. _ Disloyal Pug!
_Trick. _ What humour is this? you are drunk, it seems: Go sleep.
_Limb. _ Thou hast robbed me of my repose for ever: I am like Macbeth,
after the death of good king Duncan; methinks a voice says to
me,--Sleep no more; Tricksy has murdered sleep.
_Trick. _ Now I find it: You are willing to save your settlement, and
are sent by some of your wise counsellors, to pick a quarrel with me.
_Limb. _ I have been your cully above these seven years; but, at last,
my eyes are opened to your witchcraft; and indulgent heaven has taken
care of my preservation. In short, madam, I have found you out; and,
to cut off preambles, produce your adulterer.
_Trick. _ If I have any, you know him best: You are the only ruin of my
reputation. But if I have dishonoured my family, for the love of you,
methinks you should be the last man to upbraid me with it.
_Limb. _ I am sure you are of the family of your abominable great
grandam Eve; but produce the man, or, by my father's soul--
_Trick. _ Still I am in the dark.
_Limb. _ Yes, you have been in the dark; I know it: But I shall bring
you to light immediately.
_Trick. _ You are not jealous?
_Limb. _ No; I am too certain to be jealous: But you have a man here,
that shall be nameless; let me see him.
_Trick. _ Oh, if that be your business, you had best search: And when
you have wearied yourself, and spent your idle humour, you may find me
above, in my chamber, and come to ask my pardon. [_Going. _
_Limb. _ You may go, madam; but I shall beseech your ladyship to leave
the key of the still-house door behind you: I have a mind to some of
the sweet-meats you have locked up there; you understand me. Now, for
the old dog-trick! you have lost the key, I know already, but I am
prepared for that; you shall know you have no fool to deal with.
_Trick. _ No; here is the key: Take it, and satisfy your foolish
curiosity.
_Limb. _ [_Aside. _] This confidence amazes me! If those two gipsies
have abused me, and I should not find him there now, this would make
an immortal quarrel.
_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] I have put him to a stand.
_Limb. _ Hang it, it is no matter; I will be satisfied: If it comes to
a rupture, I know the way to buy my peace. Pug, produce the key.
_Trick. _ [_Takes him about the neck. _] My dear, I have it for you:
come, and kiss me. Why would you be so unkind to suspect my faith now!
when I have forsaken all the world for you. --[_Kiss again. _] But I am
not in the mood of quarrelling to-night; I take this jealousy the best
way, as the effect of your passion. Come up, and we will go to bed
together, and be friends. [_Kiss again. _
_Limb. _ [_Aside. _] Pug is in a pure humour to-night, and it would vex
a man to lose it; but yet I must be satisfied:--and therefore, upon
mature consideration, give me the key.
_Trick. _ You are resolved, then?
_Limb. _ Yes, I am resolved; for I have sworn to myself by Styx; and
that is an irrevocable oath.
_Trick. _ Now, see your folly: There's the key. [_Gives it him. _
_Limb. _ Why, that is a loving Pug; I will prove thee innocent
immediately: And that will put an end to all controversies betwixt us.
_Trick. _ Yes, it shall put an end to all our quarrels: Farewell for
the last time, sir. Look well upon my face, that you may remember it;
for, from this time forward, I have sworn it irrevocably too, that you
shall never see it more.
_Limb. _ Nay, but hold a little, Pug. What's the meaning of this new
commotion?
_Trick. _ No more; but satisfy your foolish fancy, for you are master:
and, besides, I am willing to be justified.
_Limb.
