No More Learning

"With difficulty I disengaged myself from such a heap of slaughtered
bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the bank of a neighbouring
rivulet, where I fell, oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair,
and hunger. Immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves
up to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. I was in this
state of weakness and insensibility, between life and death, when I
felt myself pressed by something that moved upon my body. I opened my
eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed, and who said
between his teeth: '_O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni! _'"[12]




XII

THE ADVENTURES OF THE OLD WOMAN CONTINUED.


"Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no less
surprised at what this man said, I made answer that there were much
greater misfortunes than that of which he complained. I told him in a
few words of the horrors which I had endured, and fainted a second time.
He carried me to a neighbouring house, put me to bed, gave me food,
waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he told me that he had never
seen any one so beautiful as I, and that he never so much regretted the
loss of what it was impossible to recover.

"'I was born at Naples,' said he, 'there they geld two or three thousand
children every year; some die of the operation, others acquire a voice
more beautiful than that of women, and others are raised to offices of
state. [13] This operation was performed on me with great success and I
was chapel musician to madam, the Princess of Palestrina. '

"'To my mother! ' cried I.

"'Your mother! ' cried he, weeping. 'What! can you be that young
princess whom I brought up until the age of six years, and who promised
so early to be as beautiful as you? '

"'It is I, indeed; but my mother lies four hundred yards hence, torn in
quarters, under a heap of dead bodies. '

"I told him all my adventures, and he made me acquainted with his;
telling me that he had been sent to the Emperor of Morocco by a
Christian power, to conclude a treaty with that prince, in consequence
of which he was to be furnished with military stores and ships to help
to demolish the commerce of other Christian Governments.

"'My mission is done,' said this honest eunuch; 'I go to embark for
Ceuta, and will take you to Italy. _Ma che sciagura d'essere senza
coglioni! _'

"I thanked him with tears of commiseration; and instead of taking me to
Italy he conducted me to Algiers, where he sold me to the Dey. Scarcely
was I sold, than the plague which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and
Europe, broke out with great malignancy in Algiers. You have seen
earthquakes; but pray, miss, have you ever had the plague? "

"Never," answered Cunegonde.

"If you had," said the old woman, "you would acknowledge that it is far
more terrible than an earthquake. It is common in Africa, and I caught
it. Imagine to yourself the distressed situation of the daughter of a
Pope, only fifteen years old, who, in less than three months, had felt
the miseries of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day,
had beheld her mother drawn in quarters, had experienced famine and war,
and was dying of the plague in Algiers. I did not die, however, but my
eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers perished.

"As soon as the first fury of this terrible pestilence was over, a sale
was made of the Dey's slaves; I was purchased by a merchant, and carried
to Tunis; this man sold me to another merchant, who sold me again to
another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria, from
Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. At length I
became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries, who was soon ordered
away to the defence of Azof, then besieged by the Russians.

"The Aga, who was a very gallant man, took his whole seraglio with him,
and lodged us in a small fort on the Palus Meotides, guarded by two
black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. The Turks killed prodigious numbers
of the Russians, but the latter had their revenge. Azof was destroyed by
fire, the inhabitants put to the sword, neither sex nor age was spared;
until there remained only our little fort, and the enemy wanted to
starve us out. The twenty Janissaries had sworn they would never
surrender. The extremities of famine to which they were reduced, obliged
them to eat our two eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. And at
the end of a few days they resolved also to devour the women.

"We had a very pious and humane Iman, who preached an excellent sermon,
exhorting them not to kill us all at once.

"'Only cut off a buttock of each of those ladies,' said he, 'and you'll
fare extremely well; if you must go to it again, there will be the same
entertainment a few days hence; heaven will accept of so charitable an
action, and send you relief. '

"He had great eloquence; he persuaded them; we underwent this terrible
operation. The Iman applied the same balsam to us, as he does to
children after circumcision; and we all nearly died.

"Scarcely had the Janissaries finished the repast with which we had
furnished them, than the Russians came in flat-bottomed boats; not a
Janissary escaped. The Russians paid no attention to the condition we
were in. There are French surgeons in all parts of the world; one of
them who was very clever took us under his care--he cured us; and as
long as I live I shall remember that as soon as my wounds were healed he
made proposals to me. He bid us all be of good cheer, telling us that
the like had happened in many sieges, and that it was according to the
laws of war.

"As soon as my companions could walk, they were obliged to set out for
Moscow. I fell to the share of a Boyard who made me his gardener, and
gave me twenty lashes a day. But this nobleman having in two years' time
been broke upon the wheel along with thirty more Boyards for some broils
at court, I profited by that event; I fled. I traversed all Russia; I
was a long time an inn-holder's servant at Riga, the same at Rostock, at
Vismar, at Leipzig, at Cassel, at Utrecht, at Leyden, at the Hague, at
Rotterdam. I waxed old in misery and disgrace, having only one-half of
my posteriors, and always remembering I was a Pope's daughter. A hundred
times I was upon the point of killing myself; but still I loved life.
This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics;
for is there anything more absurd than to wish to carry continually a
burden which one can always throw down? to detest existence and yet to
cling to one's existence? in brief, to caress the serpent which devours
us, till he has eaten our very heart?

"In the different countries which it has been my lot to traverse, and
the numerous inns where I have been servant, I have taken notice of a
vast number of people who held their own existence in abhorrence, and
yet I never knew of more than eight who voluntarily put an end to their
misery; three negroes, four Englishmen, and a German professor named
Robek. [14] I ended by being servant to the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed
me near your presence, my fair lady. I am determined to share your fate,
and have been much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own.
I would never even have spoken to you of my misfortunes, had you not
piqued me a little, and if it were not customary to tell stories on
board a ship in order to pass away the time. In short, Miss Cunegonde, I
have had experience, I know the world; therefore I advise you to divert
yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story; and if
there be one of them all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that
has not frequently looked upon himself as the unhappiest of mortals, I
give you leave to throw me headforemost into the sea. "




XIII

HOW CANDIDE WAS FORCED AWAY FROM HIS FAIR CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN.


The beautiful Cunegonde having heard the old woman's history, paid her
all the civilities due to a person of her rank and merit. She likewise
accepted her proposal, and engaged all the passengers, one after the
other, to relate their adventures; and then both she and Candide allowed
that the old woman was in the right.

"It is a great pity," said Candide, "that the sage Pangloss was hanged
contrary to custom at an _auto-da-fe_; he would tell us most amazing
things in regard to the physical and moral evils that overspread earth
and sea, and I should be able, with due respect, to make a few
objections. "

While each passenger was recounting his story, the ship made her way.
They landed at Buenos Ayres. Cunegonde, Captain Candide, and the old
woman, waited on the Governor, Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y
Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza. This nobleman had a stateliness
becoming a person who bore so many names. He spoke to men with so noble
a disdain, carried his nose so loftily, raised his voice so
unmercifully, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked with such
intolerable pride, that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to
give him a good drubbing. Cunegonde appeared to him the most beautiful
he had ever met. The first thing he did was to ask whether she was not
the captain's wife. The manner in which he asked the question alarmed
Candide; he durst not say she was his wife, because indeed she was not;
neither durst he say she was his sister, because it was not so; and
although this obliging lie had been formerly much in favour among the
ancients, and although it could be useful to the moderns, his soul was
too pure to betray the truth.

"Miss Cunegonde," said he, "is to do me the honour to marry me, and we
beseech your excellency to deign to sanction our marriage. "

Don Fernando d'Ibaraa, y Figueora, y Mascarenes, y Lampourdos, y Souza,
turning up his moustachios, smiled mockingly, and ordered Captain
Candide to go and review his company. Candide obeyed, and the Governor
remained alone with Miss Cunegonde. He declared his passion, protesting
he would marry her the next day in the face of the church, or otherwise,
just as should be agreeable to herself. Cunegonde asked a quarter of an
hour to consider of it, to consult the old woman, and to take her
resolution.

The old woman spoke thus to Cunegonde:

"Miss, you have seventy-two quarterings, and not a farthing; it is now
in your power to be wife to the greatest lord in South America, who has
very beautiful moustachios. Is it for you to pique yourself upon
inviolable fidelity? You have been ravished by Bulgarians; a Jew and an
Inquisitor have enjoyed your favours. Misfortune gives sufficient
excuse. I own, that if I were in your place, I should have no scruple in
marrying the Governor and in making the fortune of Captain Candide. "

While the old woman spoke with all the prudence which age and experience
gave, a small ship entered the port on board of which were an Alcalde
and his alguazils, and this was what had happened.

As the old woman had shrewdly guessed, it was a Grey Friar who stole
Cunegonde's money and jewels in the town of Badajos, when she and
Candide were escaping. The Friar wanted to sell some of the diamonds to
a jeweller; the jeweller knew them to be the Grand Inquisitor's. The
Friar before he was hanged confessed he had stolen them. He described
the persons, and the route they had taken. The flight of Cunegonde and
Candide was already known. They were traced to Cadiz. A vessel was
immediately sent in pursuit of them. The vessel was already in the port
of Buenos Ayres. The report spread that the Alcalde was going to land,
and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of my lord the Grand
Inquisitor. The prudent old woman saw at once what was to be done.

"You cannot run away," said she to Cunegonde, "and you have nothing to
fear, for it was not you that killed my lord; besides the Governor who
loves you will not suffer you to be ill-treated; therefore stay. "

She then ran immediately to Candide.

"Fly," said she, "or in an hour you will be burnt. "

There was not a moment to lose; but how could he part from Cunegonde,
and where could he flee for shelter?




XIV

HOW CANDIDE AND CACAMBO WERE RECEIVED BY THE JESUITS OF PARAGUAY.


Candide had brought such a valet with him from Cadiz, as one often meets
with on the coasts of Spain and in the American colonies. He was a
quarter Spaniard, born of a mongrel in Tucuman; he had been singing-boy,
sacristan, sailor, monk, pedlar, soldier, and lackey. His name was
Cacambo, and he loved his master, because his master was a very good
man. He quickly saddled the two Andalusian horses.

"Come, master, let us follow the old woman's advice; let us start, and
run without looking behind us. "

Candide shed tears.

"Oh! my dear Cunegonde! must I leave you just at a time when the
Governor was going to sanction our nuptials? Cunegonde, brought to such
a distance what will become of you? "

"She will do as well as she can," said Cacambo; "the women are never at
a loss, God provides for them, let us run. "

"Whither art thou carrying me? Where shall we go? What shall we do
without Cunegonde? " said Candide.

"By St. James of Compostella," said Cacambo, "you were going to fight
against the Jesuits; let us go to fight for them; I know the road well,
I'll conduct you to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have a
captain that understands the Bulgarian exercise. You'll make a
prodigious fortune; if we cannot find our account in one world we shall
in another. It is a great pleasure to see and do new things. "

"You have before been in Paraguay, then? " said Candide.

"Ay, sure," answered Cacambo, "I was servant in the College of the
Assumption, and am acquainted with the government of the good Fathers as
well as I am with the streets of Cadiz. It is an admirable government.
The kingdom is upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter, and divided
into thirty provinces; there the Fathers possess all, and the people
nothing; it is a masterpiece of reason and justice. For my part I see
nothing so divine as the Fathers who here make war upon the kings of
Spain and Portugal, and in Europe confess those kings; who here kill
Spaniards, and in Madrid send them to heaven; this delights me, let us
push forward. You are going to be the happiest of mortals. What pleasure
will it be to those Fathers to hear that a captain who knows the
Bulgarian exercise has come to them! "

As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo told the advanced
guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord the Commandant. Notice
was given to the main guard, and immediately a Paraguayan officer ran
and laid himself at the feet of the Commandant, to impart this news to
him. Candide and Cacambo were disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses
seized. The strangers were introduced between two files of musketeers;
the Commandant was at the further end, with the three-cornered cap on
his head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a spontoon[15] in
his hand. He beckoned, and straightway the new-comers were encompassed
by four-and-twenty soldiers. A sergeant told them they must wait, that
the Commandant could not speak to them, and that the reverend Father
Provincial does not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in his
presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.

"And where is the reverend Father Provincial? " said Cacambo.

"He is upon the parade just after celebrating mass," answered the
sergeant, "and you cannot kiss his spurs till three hours hence. "

"However," said Cacambo, "the captain is not a Spaniard, but a German,
he is ready to perish with hunger as well as myself; cannot we have
something for breakfast, while we wait for his reverence? "

The sergeant went immediately to acquaint the Commandant with what he
had heard.

"God be praised! " said the reverend Commandant, "since he is a German, I
may speak to him; take him to my arbour. "

Candide was at once conducted to a beautiful summer-house, ornamented
with a very pretty colonnade of green and gold marble, and with
trellises, enclosing parraquets, humming-birds, fly-birds, guinea-hens,
and all other rare birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels
of gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden
dishes, in the open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun, the
reverend Father Commandant retired to his arbour.

He was a very handsome young man, with a full face, white skin but high
in colour; he had an arched eyebrow, a lively eye, red ears, vermilion
lips, a bold air, but such a boldness as neither belonged to a Spaniard
nor a Jesuit. They returned their arms to Candide and Cacambo, and also
the two Andalusian horses; to whom Cacambo gave some oats to eat just by
the arbour, having an eye upon them all the while for fear of a
surprise.

Candide first kissed the hem of the Commandant's robe, then they sat
down to table.

"You are, then, a German? " said the Jesuit to him in that language.

"Yes, reverend Father," answered Candide.

As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great
amazement, and with such an emotion as they could not conceal.

"And from what part of Germany do you come? " said the Jesuit.

"I am from the dirty province of Westphalia," answered Candide; "I was
born in the Castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh. "

"Oh! Heavens! is it possible? " cried the Commandant.

"What a miracle! " cried Candide.

"Is it really you? " said the Commandant.

"It is not possible! " said Candide.

They drew back; they embraced; they shed rivulets of tears.

"What, is it you, reverend Father? You, the brother of the fair
Cunegonde! You, that was slain by the Bulgarians! You, the Baron's son!
You, a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world that
we live in. Oh, Pangloss! Pangloss! how glad you would be if you had not
been hanged! "

The Commandant sent away the negro slaves and the Paraguayans, who
served them with liquors in goblets of rock-crystal. He thanked God and
St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms; and their
faces were all bathed with tears.

"You will be more surprised, more affected, and transported," said
Candide, "when I tell you that Cunegonde, your sister, whom you believe
to have been ripped open, is in perfect health. "

"Where? "

"In your neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I was
going to fight against you. "

Every word which they uttered in this long conversation but added wonder
to wonder. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their
ears, and sparkled in their eyes. As they were Germans, they sat a good
while at table, waiting for the reverend Father Provincial, and the
Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as follows.




XV

HOW CANDIDE KILLED THE BROTHER OF HIS DEAR CUNEGONDE.


"I shall have ever present to my memory the dreadful day, on which I saw
my father and mother killed, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians
retired, my dear sister could not be found; but my mother, my father,
and myself, with two maid-servants and three little boys all of whom had
been slain, were put in a hearse, to be conveyed for interment to a
chapel belonging to the Jesuits, within two leagues of our family seat.
A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water; it was horribly salt; a few
drops of it fell into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids
stirred a little; he put his hand upon my heart and felt it beat. I
received assistance, and at the end of three weeks I recovered. You
know, my dear Candide, I was very pretty; but I grew much prettier, and
the reverend Father Didrie,[16] Superior of that House, conceived the
tenderest friendship for me; he gave me the habit of the order, some
years after I was sent to Rome. The Father-General needed new levies of
young German-Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay admit as few Spanish
Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations as being more
subordinate to their commands. I was judged fit by the reverend
Father-General to go and work in this vineyard. We set out--a Pole, a
Tyrolese, and myself. Upon my arrival I was honoured with a
sub-deaconship and a lieutenancy. I am to-day colonel and priest. We
shall give a warm reception to the King of Spain's troops; I will answer
for it that they shall be excommunicated and well beaten. Providence
sends you here to assist us. But is it, indeed, true that my dear sister
Cunegonde is in the neighbourhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres? "

Candide assured him on oath that nothing was more true, and their tears
began afresh.

The Baron could not refrain from embracing Candide; he called him his
brother, his saviour.

"Ah! perhaps," said he, "we shall together, my dear Candide, enter the
town as conquerors, and recover my sister Cunegonde. "

"That is all I want," said Candide, "for I intended to marry her, and I
still hope to do so. "

"You insolent! " replied the Baron, "would you have the impudence to
marry my sister who has seventy-two quarterings! I find thou hast the
most consummate effrontery to dare to mention so presumptuous a design!
"

Candide, petrified at this speech, made answer:

"Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world signify nothing; I
rescued your sister from the arms of a Jew and of an Inquisitor; she has
great obligations to me, she wishes to marry me; Master Pangloss always
told me that all men are equal, and certainly I will marry her. "

"We shall see that, thou scoundrel! " said the Jesuit Baron de
Thunder-ten-Tronckh, and that instant struck him across the face with
the flat of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier, and
plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's belly; but in pulling it out
reeking hot, he burst into tears.

"Good God! " said he, "I have killed my old master, my friend, my
brother-in-law! I am the best-natured creature in the world, and yet I
have already killed three men, and of these three two were priests. "

Cacambo, who stood sentry by the door of the arbour, ran to him.

"We have nothing more for it than to sell our lives as dearly as we
can," said his master to him, "without doubt some one will soon enter
the arbour, and we must die sword in hand. "

Cacambo, who had been in a great many scrapes in his lifetime, did not
lose his head; he took the Baron's Jesuit habit, put it on Candide, gave
him the square cap, and made him mount on horseback. All this was done
in the twinkling of an eye.

"Let us gallop fast, master, everybody will take you for a Jesuit, going
to give directions to your men, and we shall have passed the frontiers
before they will be able to overtake us. "

He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish:

"Make way, make way, for the reverend Father Colonel. "




XVI

ADVENTURES OF THE TWO TRAVELLERS, WITH TWO GIRLS, TWO MONKEYS, AND THE
SAVAGES CALLED OREILLONS.


Candide and his valet had got beyond the barrier, before it was known in
the camp that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken
care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit, and a few
bottles of wine. With their Andalusian horses they penetrated into an
unknown country, where they perceived no beaten track. At length they
came to a beautiful meadow intersected with purling rills. Here our two
adventurers fed their horses. Cacambo proposed to his master to take
some food, and he set him an example.

"How can you ask me to eat ham," said Candide, "after killing the
Baron's son, and being doomed never more to see the beautiful Cunegonde?
What will it avail me to spin out my wretched days and drag them far
from her in remorse and despair? And what will the _Journal of
Trevoux_[17] say? "

While he was thus lamenting his fate, he went on eating. The sun went
down. The two wanderers heard some little cries which seemed to be
uttered by women. They did not know whether they were cries of pain or
joy; but they started up precipitately with that inquietude and alarm
which every little thing inspires in an unknown country. The noise was
made by two naked girls, who tripped along the mead, while two monkeys
were pursuing them and biting their buttocks. Candide was moved with
pity; he had learned to fire a gun in the Bulgarian service, and he was
so clever at it, that he could hit a filbert in a hedge without touching
a leaf of the tree. He took up his double-barrelled Spanish fusil, let
it off, and killed the two monkeys.

"God be praised! My dear Cacambo, I have rescued those two poor
creatures from a most perilous situation. If I have committed a sin in
killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving
the lives of these girls. Perhaps they are young ladies of family; and
this adventure may procure us great advantages in this country. "

He was continuing, but stopped short when he saw the two girls tenderly
embracing the monkeys, bathing their bodies in tears, and rending the
air with the most dismal lamentations.

"Little did I expect to see such good-nature," said he at length to
Cacambo; who made answer:

"Master, you have done a fine thing now; you have slain the sweethearts
of those two young ladies. "

"The sweethearts! Is it possible? You are jesting, Cacambo, I can never
believe it! "

"Dear master," replied Cacambo; "you are surprised at everything. Why
should you think it so strange that in some countries there are monkeys
which insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies; they are
a fourth part human, as I am a fourth part Spaniard. "

"Alas! " replied Candide, "I remember to have heard Master Pangloss say,
that formerly such accidents used to happen; that these mixtures were
productive of Centaurs, Fauns, and Satyrs; and that many of the ancients
had seen such monsters, but I looked upon the whole as fabulous. "

"You ought now to be convinced," said Cacambo, "that it is the truth,
and you see what use is made of those creatures, by persons that have
not had a proper education; all I fear is that those ladies will play us
some ugly trick. "

These sound reflections induced Candide to leave the meadow and to
plunge into a wood. He supped there with Cacambo; and after cursing the
Portuguese inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they
fell asleep on moss. On awaking they felt that they could not move; for
during the night the Oreillons, who inhabited that country, and to whom
the ladies had denounced them, had bound them with cords made of the
bark of trees. They were encompassed by fifty naked Oreillons, armed
with bows and arrows, with clubs and flint hatchets. Some were making a
large cauldron boil, others were preparing spits, and all cried:

"A Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged, we shall have excellent
cheer, let us eat the Jesuit, let us eat him up! "

"I told you, my dear master," cried Cacambo sadly, "that those two girls
would play us some ugly trick. "

Candide seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried:

"We are certainly going to be either roasted or boiled. Ah! what would
Master Pangloss say, were he to see how pure nature is formed?
Everything is right, may be, but I declare it is very hard to have lost
Miss Cunegonde and to be put upon a spit by Oreillons. "

Cacambo never lost his head.

"Do not despair," said he to the disconsolate Candide, "I understand a
little of the jargon of these people, I will speak to them. "

"Be sure," said Candide, "to represent to them how frightfully inhuman
it is to cook men, and how very un-Christian. "

"Gentlemen," said Cacambo, "you reckon you are to-day going to feast
upon a Jesuit. It is all very well, nothing is more unjust than thus to
treat your enemies. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our
neighbour, and such is the practice all over the world. If we do not
accustom ourselves to eating them, it is because we have better fare.
But you have not the same resources as we; certainly it is much better
to devour your enemies than to resign to the crows and rooks the fruits
of your victory. But, gentlemen, surely you would not choose to eat your
friends. You believe that you are going to spit a Jesuit, and he is your
defender. It is the enemy of your enemies that you are going to roast.
As for myself, I was born in your country; this gentleman is my master,
and, far from being a Jesuit, he has just killed one, whose spoils he
wears; and thence comes your mistake. To convince you of the truth of
what I say, take his habit and carry it to the first barrier of the
Jesuit kingdom, and inform yourselves whether my master did not kill a
Jesuit officer. It will not take you long, and you can always eat us if
you find that I have lied to you. But I have told you the truth. You are
too well acquainted with the principles of public law, humanity, and
justice not to pardon us. "

The Oreillons found this speech very reasonable. They deputed two of
their principal people with all expedition to inquire into the truth of
the matter; these executed their commission like men of sense, and soon
returned with good news. The Oreillons untied their prisoners, showed
them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshment,
and reconducted them to the confines of their territories, proclaiming
with great joy:

"He is no Jesuit! He is no Jesuit! "

Candide could not help being surprised at the cause of his deliverance.

"What people! " said he; "what men! what manners! If I had not been so
lucky as to run Miss Cunegonde's brother through the body, I should have
been devoured without redemption. But, after all, pure nature is good,
since these people, instead of feasting upon my flesh, have shown me a
thousand civilities, when then I was not a Jesuit. "




XVII

ARRIVAL OF CANDIDE AND HIS VALET AT EL DORADO, AND WHAT THEY SAW THERE.


"You see," said Cacambo to Candide, as soon as they had reached the
frontiers of the Oreillons, "that this hemisphere is not better than the
others, take my word for it; let us go back to Europe by the shortest
way. "

"How go back? " said Candide, "and where shall we go? to my own country?
The Bulgarians and the Abares are slaying all; to Portugal? there I
shall be burnt; and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of
being spitted. But how can I resolve to quit a part of the world where
my dear Cunegonde resides? "

"Let us turn towards Cayenne," said Cacambo, "there we shall find
Frenchmen, who wander all over the world; they may assist us; God will
perhaps have pity on us. "

It was not easy to get to Cayenne; they knew vaguely in which direction
to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, obstructed them all the
way. Their horses died of fatigue. Their provisions were consumed; they
fed a whole month upon wild fruits, and found themselves at last near a
little river bordered with cocoa trees, which sustained their lives and
their hopes.

Cacambo, who was as good a counsellor as the old woman, said to Candide:

"We are able to hold out no longer; we have walked enough. I see an
empty canoe near the river-side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, throw
ourselves into it, and go with the current; a river always leads to some
inhabited spot. If we do not find pleasant things we shall at least find
new things. "

"With all my heart," said Candide, "let us recommend ourselves to
Providence. "

They rowed a few leagues, between banks, in some places flowery, in
others barren; in some parts smooth, in others rugged. The stream ever
widened, and at length lost itself under an arch of frightful rocks
which reached to the sky. The two travellers had the courage to commit
themselves to the current. The river, suddenly contracting at this
place, whirled them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity. At the end
of four-and-twenty hours they saw daylight again, but their canoe was
dashed to pieces against the rocks. For a league they had to creep from
rock to rock, until at length they discovered an extensive plain,
bounded by inaccessible mountains. The country was cultivated as much
for pleasure as for necessity. On all sides the useful was also the
beautiful. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages of
a glittering form and substance, in which were men and women of
surprising beauty, drawn by large red sheep which surpassed in fleetness
the finest coursers of Andalusia, Tetuan, and Mequinez. [18]

"Here, however, is a country," said Candide, "which is better than
Westphalia. "

He stepped out with Cacambo towards the first village which he saw. Some
children dressed in tattered brocades played at quoits on the outskirts.
Our travellers from the other world amused themselves by looking on. The
quoits were large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a
singular lustre! The travellers picked a few of them off the ground;
this was of gold, that of emeralds, the other of rubies--the least of
them would have been the greatest ornament on the Mogul's throne.

"Without doubt," said Cacambo, "these children must be the king's sons
that are playing at quoits! "

The village schoolmaster appeared at this moment and called them to
school.

"There," said Candide, "is the preceptor of the royal family. "

The little truants immediately quitted their game, leaving the quoits
on the ground with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up,
ran to the master, and presented them to him in a most humble manner,
giving him to understand by signs that their royal highnesses had
forgotten their gold and jewels. The schoolmaster, smiling, flung them
upon the ground; then, looking at Candide with a good deal of surprise,
went about his business.

The travellers, however, took care to gather up the gold, the rubies,
and the emeralds.

"Where are we? " cried Candide. "The king's children in this country must
be well brought up, since they are taught to despise gold and precious
stones. "

Cacambo was as much surprised as Candide. At length they drew near the
first house in the village. It was built like an European palace. A
crowd of people pressed about the door, and there were still more in the
house. They heard most agreeable music, and were aware of a delicious
odour of cooking. Cacambo went up to the door and heard they were
talking Peruvian; it was his mother tongue, for it is well known that
Cacambo was born in Tucuman, in a village where no other language was
spoken.

"I will be your interpreter here," said he to Candide; "let us go in, it
is a public-house. "

Immediately two waiters and two girls, dressed in cloth of gold, and
their hair tied up with ribbons, invited them to sit down to table with
the landlord. They served four dishes of soup, each garnished with two
young parrots; a boiled condor[19] which weighed two hundred pounds; two
roasted monkeys, of excellent flavour; three hundred humming-birds in
one dish, and six hundred fly-birds in another; exquisite ragouts;
delicious pastries; the whole served up in dishes of a kind of
rock-crystal. The waiters and girls poured out several liqueurs drawn
from the sugar-cane.

Most of the company were chapmen and waggoners, all extremely polite;
they asked Cacambo a few questions with the greatest circumspection, and
answered his in the most obliging manner.

As soon as dinner was over, Cacambo believed as well as Candide that
they might well pay their reckoning by laying down two of those large
gold pieces which they had picked up. The landlord and landlady shouted
with laughter and held their sides. When the fit was over:

"Gentlemen," said the landlord, "it is plain you are strangers, and such
guests we are not accustomed to see; pardon us therefore for laughing
when you offered us the pebbles from our highroads in payment of your
reckoning. You doubtless have not the money of the country; but it is
not necessary to have any money at all to dine in this house. All
hostelries established for the convenience of commerce are paid by the
government. You have fared but very indifferently because this is a poor
village; but everywhere else, you will be received as you deserve. "

Cacambo explained this whole discourse with great astonishment to
Candide, who was as greatly astonished to hear it.

"What sort of a country then is this," said they to one another; "a
country unknown to all the rest of the world, and where nature is of a
kind so different from ours? It is probably the country where all is
well; for there absolutely must be one such place. And, whatever Master
Pangloss might say, I often found that things went very ill in
Westphalia. "




XVIII

WHAT THEY SAW IN THE COUNTRY OF EL DORADO.


Cacambo expressed his curiosity to the landlord, who made answer:

"I am very ignorant, but not the worse on that account. However, we have
in this neighbourhood an old man retired from Court who is the most
learned and most communicative person in the kingdom. "

At once he took Cacambo to the old man. Candide acted now only a second
character, and accompanied his valet. They entered a very plain house,
for the door was only of silver, and the ceilings were only of gold, but
wrought in so elegant a taste as to vie with the richest. The
antechamber, indeed, was only encrusted with rubies and emeralds, but
the order in which everything was arranged made amends for this great
simplicity.

The old man received the strangers on his sofa, which was stuffed with
humming-birds' feathers, and ordered his servants to present them with
liqueurs in diamond goblets; after which he satisfied their curiosity
in the following terms:

"I am now one hundred and seventy-two years old, and I learnt of my late
father, Master of the Horse to the King, the amazing revolutions of
Peru, of which he had been an eyewitness. The kingdom we now inhabit is
the ancient country of the Incas, who quitted it very imprudently to
conquer another part of the world, and were at length destroyed by the
Spaniards.

"More wise by far were the princes of their family, who remained in
their native country; and they ordained, with the consent of the whole
nation, that none of the inhabitants should ever be permitted to quit
this little kingdom; and this has preserved our innocence and happiness.
The Spaniards have had a confused notion of this country, and have
called it _El Dorado_; and an Englishman, whose name was Sir Walter
Raleigh, came very near it about a hundred years ago; but being
surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we have hitherto been
sheltered from the rapaciousness of European nations, who have an
inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake
of which they would murder us to the last man. "

The conversation was long: it turned chiefly on their form of
government, their manners, their women, their public entertainments,
and the arts. At length Candide, having always had a taste for
metaphysics, made Cacambo ask whether there was any religion in that
country.

The old man reddened a little.

"How then," said he, "can you doubt it? Do you take us for ungrateful
wretches? "

Cacambo humbly asked, "What was the religion in El Dorado? "

The old man reddened again.

"Can there be two religions? " said he. "We have, I believe, the religion
of all the world: we worship God night and morning. "

"Do you worship but one God? " said Cacambo, who still acted as
interpreter in representing Candide's doubts.

"Surely," said the old man, "there are not two, nor three, nor four. I
must confess the people from your side of the world ask very
extraordinary questions. "

Candide was not yet tired of interrogating the good old man; he wanted
to know in what manner they prayed to God in El Dorado.

"We do not pray to Him," said the worthy sage; "we have nothing to ask
of Him; He has given us all we need, and we return Him thanks without
ceasing. "

Candide having a curiosity to see the priests asked where they were.
The good old man smiled.

"My friend," said he, "we are all priests. The King and all the heads of
families sing solemn canticles of thanksgiving every morning,
accompanied by five or six thousand musicians. "

"What! have you no monks who teach, who dispute, who govern, who cabal,
and who burn people that are not of their opinion? "

"We must be mad, indeed, if that were the case," said the old man; "here
we are all of one opinion, and we know not what you mean by monks. "

During this whole discourse Candide was in raptures, and he said to
himself:

"This is vastly different from Westphalia and the Baron's castle. Had
our friend Pangloss seen El Dorado he would no longer have said that the
castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh was the finest upon earth. It is evident
that one must travel. "

After this long conversation the old man ordered a coach and six sheep
to be got ready, and twelve of his domestics to conduct the travellers
to Court.

"Excuse me," said he, "if my age deprives me of the honour of
accompanying you. The King will receive you in a manner that cannot
displease you; and no doubt you will make an allowance for the customs
of the country, if some things should not be to your liking. "

Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the six sheep flew, and in less
than four hours they reached the King's palace situated at the extremity
of the capital. The portal was two hundred and twenty feet high, and one
hundred wide; but words are wanting to express the materials of which it
was built. It is plain such materials must have prodigious superiority
over those pebbles and sand which we call gold and precious stones.

Twenty beautiful damsels of the King's guard received Candide and
Cacambo as they alighted from the coach, conducted them to the bath, and
dressed them in robes woven of the down of humming-birds; after which
the great crown officers, of both sexes, led them to the King's
apartment, between two files of musicians, a thousand on each side. When
they drew near to the audience chamber Cacambo asked one of the great
officers in what way he should pay his obeisance to his Majesty; whether
they should throw themselves upon their knees or on their stomachs;
whether they should put their hands upon their heads or behind their
backs; whether they should lick the dust off the floor; in a word, what
was the ceremony?

"The custom," said the great officer, "is to embrace the King, and to
kiss him on each cheek. "

Candide and Cacambo threw themselves round his Majesty's neck. He
received them with all the goodness imaginable, and politely invited
them to supper.

While waiting they were shown the city, and saw the public edifices
raised as high as the clouds, the market places ornamented with a
thousand columns, the fountains of spring water, those of rose water,
those of liqueurs drawn from sugar-cane, incessantly flowing into the
great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stone, which
gave off a delicious fragrancy like that of cloves and cinnamon. Candide
asked to see the court of justice, the parliament. They told him they
had none, and that they were strangers to lawsuits. He asked if they had
any prisons, and they answered no. But what surprised him most and gave
him the greatest pleasure was the palace of sciences, where he saw a
gallery two thousand feet long, and filled with instruments employed in
mathematics and physics.

After rambling about the city the whole afternoon, and seeing but a
thousandth part of it, they were reconducted to the royal palace, where
Candide sat down to table with his Majesty, his valet Cacambo, and
several ladies. Never was there a better entertainment, and never was
more wit shown at a table than that which fell from his Majesty. Cacambo
explained the King's _bon-mots_ to Candide, and notwithstanding they
were translated they still appeared to be _bon-mots_. Of all the things
that surprised Candide this was not the least.