No More Learning

1 _Coun_. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but
John here is main clever at it.

_Trounce_. So, what you're a scholar, friend?

2 _Coun_. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.

_Trounce_. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down
chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and
heroes?

2 _Coun_. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer,
and the Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the
hero way, except once about a comet.

_Trounce_. Wonderful knowledge! --Well, my heroes, I'll write word
to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at
the Two Magpies.

_Coun_. We will, your honour, we will.

_Trounce_. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the
crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.

1 _Coun_. Our hats are none of the best.

_Trounce_. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money
to buy new ones.

_Coun_. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_. ]

_Trounce_. [_Winking at_ SOLDIERS. ] Jack! [_Exeunt_
SOLDIERS. ]


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

So, here comes one would make a grenadier--Stop, friend, will you
list?

_O'Con_. Who shall I serve under?

_Trounce_. Under me, to be sure.

_O'Con_. Isn't Lieutenant O'Connor your officer?

_Trounce_. He is, and I am commander over him.

_O'Con_. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?

_Trounce_. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in
order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or
dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if
your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know. --
Yours, General Deluge.

_O'Con_. And do you complain of him often?

_Trounce_. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom,
so I pass over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is
most confoundedly given to wenching.


_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT.

_Flint_. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with
his worship--We are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_. ]

_O'Con_. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear
Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.

_Trounce_. Zounds! the lieutenant--I smell of the black hole
already. [_Exit_. ]


_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY.

_Just_. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats.

_Rosy_. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds
life, here comes some of them--we'll stay by these trees, and let them
pass.

_Just_. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!

[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY. ] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT
_and two_ SOLDIERS.

_Flint_. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous?

_O'Con_. I do.

_Flint_. Are you rich?

_O'Con_. Noa.

_Flint_. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here--
take it. [_Gives him a purse_. ]

_O'Con_. What must I do for this?

_Flint_. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's
daughter: help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the
girl, and you are a made man.

_O'Con_. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains!
[_Throws away the purse_. ]

_Flint_. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him.

_O'Con_. Nay, then, I'll try your armour for you. [_Beats
them_. ]

_All_. Oh! oh! --quarter! quarter!

[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS. ]

_Just_. [_Coming forward_. ] Trim them, trounce them, break
their bones, honest Humphrey--What a spirit he has!

_Rosy_. Aquafortis. _O'Con_. Betray your master!

_Rosy_. What a miracle of fidelity!

_Just_. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded--I'll give him
sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as
for this bribe, [_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the
hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard
the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety.

_Rosy_. Doubtless you may--I'll answer for the lieutenant's
behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.

_Just_. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along,
honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant!
[_Exeunt_. ]




SCENE II. --_A Garden_.

LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_
LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.


_Just_. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from
the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel
lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?

_Lau_. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.

_Just_. Why, hussy----

_Lau_. Well, then, I can't bear to be shut up all day so like a
nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with--and
I wish I was run away with--I do--and I wish the lieutenant knew it.

_Just_. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I'll take pretty
good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now
you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with
you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go
abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her;
don't be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss,
let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can.
[_Exit_. ]

_Lau_. How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and
sings_. ]

_O'Con_. Lauretta!

_Lau_. Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_. ]

_O'Con_. Lauretta! look on me.

_Lau_. Not so free, fellow!

_O'Con_. No recollection!

_Lau_. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.

_O'Con_. Have you forgot your faithful soldier?

_Lau_. Ah! Oh preserve me!

_O'Con_. 'Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father
in this disguise.

_Lau_. Well now, I declare this is charming--you are so
disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am
sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha! --You know I am under your
protection; papa charged you to keep close to me.

_O'Con_. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil----

_Lau_. O pray now, dear Humphrey----

_O'Con_. Nay, 'tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to
kiss her_. ]


_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Laury, my--hey! what the devil's here?

_Lau_. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet.

_Just_. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don't let me--
pray don't let me interrupt you!

_Lau_. Lud, papa! Now that's so good-natured--indeed there's no
harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.

_Just_. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical
scoundrel; and if you don't take yourself out of my sight----

_Lau_. Indeed, papa, now I'll tell you how it was.
I was sometime
taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to
totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took
me in his arms.

_Just_. Oh! was that all--nothing but a little giddiness, hey!

_O'Con_. That's all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change
colour, I ran up instantly.

_Just_. Oh, 'twas very kind in you!

_O'Con_. And luckily recovered her.

_Just_. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get
out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes--

_Lau_. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again! --Oh,
help!

_O'Con_. O dear lady, she'll fall! [_Takes her into his
arms_. ]

_Just_. Zounds! what before my face--why then, thou miracle of
impudence! --[_Lays hold of him and discovers him_. ]--Mercy on me,
who have we here? --Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers!
John! Susan! Bridget!

_O'Con_. Good sir, don't be alarmed; I mean you no harm.

_Just_. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers!

_O'Con_. You know my love for your daughter--

_Just_. Fire! Cut-throats!

_O'Con_. And that alone--

_Just_. Treason! Gunpowder!


_Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_.

Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.

_Lau_. O papa, you'll kill me!

_Just_. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you
please.

_O'Con_. Nay, sir, but hear me----

_Just_. I'll shoot.

_O'Con_. And you'll be convinced----

_Just_. I'll shoot.

_O'Con_. How injurious----

_Just_. I'll shoot--and so your very humble servant, honest
Humphrey Hum. [_Exeunt separately_. ]




SCENE III. --_A Walk_.

_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.


_Rosy_. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of
succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and
anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint,
peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just
my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her
daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I
interpret the language of her pulse--declare my own sufferings in my
receipt for her--send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial
draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no
happiness lasting: all is vanity--now sunshine, now cloudy--we are, as
it were, king and beggar--then what avails----


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

_O'Con_. O doctor! ruined and undone.

_Rosy_. The pride of beauty----

_O'Con_. I am discovered, and----

_Rosy_. The gaudy palace----

_O'Con_. The justice is----

_Rosy_. The pompous wig----

_O'Con_. Is more enraged than ever.

_Rosy_. The gilded cane----

_O'Con_. Why, doctor! [_Slapping him on the shoulder_. ]

_Rosy_. Hey!

_O'Con_. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered,
discomfited, disappointed.

_Rosy_. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability
of human affairs! Nothing certain in this world--most deceived when
most confident--fools of fortune all.

_O'Con_. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical
wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to
put into execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want
your assistance to recover my ground.

_Rosy_. With all my heart--I'll warrant you I'll bear a part in
it: but how the deuce were you discovered?

_O'Con_. I'll tell you as we go; there's not a moment to be lost.

_Rosy_. Heaven send we succeed better! --but there's no knowing.

_O'Con_. Very true.

_Rosy_. We may and we may not.

_O'Con_. Right.

_Rosy_. Time must show.

_O'Con_. Certainly.

_Rosy_. We are but blind guessers.

_O'Con_. Nothing more.

_Rosy_. Thick-sighted mortals.

_O'Con_. Remarkably.

_Rosy_. Wandering in error.

_O'Con_. Even so.

_Rosy_. Futurity is dark.

_O'Con_. As a cellar.

_Rosy_. Men are moles.

[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR _forcing out_ ROSY. ]




SCENE IV. --_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS' _House_.

_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.


_Just_. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I
tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as
ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a
churchwarden.

_Mrs. Bri_. Pho! nonsense, honesty! --what had you to do, pray,
with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey
Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you
would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come
of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her
Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this
had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name.

_Just_. Psha, you're a fool!

_Mrs. Bri_. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no
one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on.

_Just_. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no
respect for your husband, I should think _unus quorum_ might
command a little deference.

_Mrs. Bri_. Don't tell me! --Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be
ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you'll be a laughing-stock
to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and
bag-wigged attorneys about town.

_Just_. Is this language for his majesty's representative? By the
statutes, it's high treason and petty treason, both at once!


_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. A letter for your worship.

_Just_. Who brought it?

_Ser_. A soldier.

_Just_. Take it away and burn it.

_Mrs. Bri_. Stay! --Now you're in such a hurry--it is some canting
scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose. --[_Takes the letter. --
Exit_ SERVANT. ] Let me see:--ay, 'tis signed O'Connor.

_Just_. Well, come read it out.

_Mrs. Bri_. [_Reads_. ] _Revenge is sweet_.

_Just_. It begins so, does it? I'm glad of that; I'll let the dog
know I'm of his opinion.

_Mrs. Bri_. [_Reads_. ] _And though disappointed of my
designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I
am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your
chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of
poison! _--Mercy on us!