No More Learning

I thought, I was
wrong to think that I was seeing ghosts. I’m the ghost myself. I’m dead and they’re alive.

But after breakfast — haddock, grilled kidneys, toast and marmalade, and a pot of
coffee — I felt better. The frozen dame wasn’t breakfasting in the dining-room, there was
a nice summery feeling in the air, and I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that in that blue
flannel suit of mine I looked just a little bit distingue. By God! I thought, if I’m a ghost,
I’ll BE a ghost! I’ll walk. I’ll haunt the old places. And maybe I can work a bit of black
magic on some of these bastards who’ve stolen my home town from me.

I started out, but I’d got no farther than the market-place when I was pulled up by
something I hadn’t expected to see. A procession of about fifty school-kids was marching
down the street in column of fours — quite military, they looked — with a grim-looking
woman marching alongside of them like a sergeant-major. The leading four were
carrying a banner with a red, white, and blue border and BRITONS PREPARE on it in
huge letters. The barber on the comer had come out on to his doorstep to have a look at
them. I spoke to him. He was a chap with shiny black hair and a dull kind of face.


‘What are those kids doing? ’



‘It’s this here air-raid practice,’ he said vaguely. ‘This here A. R. P. Kind of practising,
like. That’s Miss Todgers, that is. ’

I might have guessed it was Miss Todgers. You could see it in her eye. You know the
kind of tough old devil with grey hair and a kippered face that’s always put in charge of
Girl Guide detachments, Y. W. C. A. hostels, and whatnot. She had on a coat and skirt that
somehow looked like a uniform and gave you a strong impression that she was wearing a
Sam Browne belt, though actually she wasn’t. I knew her type. Been in the W. A. A. C. s in
the war, and never had a day’s fun since. This A. R. P. was jam to her. As the kids swung
past I heard her letting out at them with the real sergeant-major yell, ‘Monica! Lift your
feet up! ’ and I saw that the rear four had another banner with a red, white, and blue
border, and in the middle

WE ARE READY. ARE YOU?

‘What do they want to march them up and down for? ’ I said to the barber.

‘I dunno. I s’pose it’s kind of propaganda, like. ’

I knew, of course. Get the kids war-minded. Give us all the feeling that there’s no way
out of it, the bombers are coming as sure as Christmas, so down to the cellar you go and
don’t argue. Two of the great black planes from Walton were zooming over the eastern
end of the town. Christ! I thought, when it starts it won’t surprise us any more than a
shower of rain. Already we’re listening for the first bomb. The barber went on to tell me
that thanks to Miss Todgers ’s efforts the school-kids had been served with their gas-
masks already.

Well, I started to explore the town. Two days I spent just wandering round the old
landmarks, such of them as I could identify. And all that time I never ran across a soul
that knew me. I was a ghost, and if I wasn’t actually invisible, I felt like it.

It was queer, queerer than I can tell you. Did you ever read a story of H. G. Wells’s about
a chap who was in two places at once — that’s to say, he was really in his own home, but
he had a kind of hallucination that he was at the bottom of the sea? He’d been walking
round his room, but instead of the tables and chairs he’d see the wavy waterweed and the



great crabs and cuttlefish reaching out to get him. Well, it was just like that. For hours on
end I’d be walking through a world that wasn’t there. I’d count my paces as I went down
the pavement and think, ‘Yes, here’s where so-and- so’s field begins. The hedge runs
across the street and slap through that house. That petrol pump is really an elm tree. And
here’s the edge of the allotments. And this street (it was a dismal little row of semi-
detached houses called Cumberledge Road, I remember) is the lane where we used to go
with Katie Simmons, and the nut-bushes grew on both sides. ’ No doubt I got the
distances wrong, but the general directions were right. I don’t believe anyone who hadn’t
happened to be bom here would have believed that these streets were fields as little as
twenty years ago. It was as though the countryside had been buried by a kind of volcanic
eruption from the outer suburbs. Nearly the whole of what used to be old Brewer’s land
had been swallowed up in the Council housing estate. The Mill Fann had vanished, the
cow-pond where I caught my first fish had been drained and filled up and built over, so
that I couldn’t even say exactly where it used to stand. It was all houses, houses, little red
cubes of houses all alike, with privet hedges and asphalt paths leading up to the front
door. Beyond the Council Estate the town thinned out a bit, but the jerry-builders were
doing their best. And there were little knots of houses dumped here and there, wherever
anybody had been able to buy a plot of land, and the makeshift roads leading up to the
houses, and empty lots with builders’ boards, and bits of ruined fields covered with
thistles and tin cans.

In the centre of the old town, on the other hand, things hadn’t changed much, so far as
buildings went. A lot of the shops were still doing the same line of trade, although the
names were different. Lillywhite’s was still a draper’s, but it didn’t look too prosperous.
What used to be Gravitt’s, the butcher’s, was now a shop that sold radio parts. Mother
Wheeler’s little window had been bricked over. Grimmett’s was still a grocer’s, but it had
been taken over by the International. It gives you an idea of the power of these big
combines that they could even swallow up a cute old skinflint like Grimmett. But from
what I know of him — not to mention that slap-up tombstone in the churchyard — I bet he
got out while the going was good and had ten to fifteen thousand quid to take to heaven
with him. The only shop that was still in the same hands was Sarazins’, the people who’d
ruined Father. They’d swollen to enormous dimensions, and they had another huge
branch in the new part of the town. But they’d turned into a kind of general store and sold
furniture, drugs, hardware, and ironmongery as well as the old garden stuff.



For the best part of two days I was wandering round, not actually groaning and rattling a
chain, but sometimes feeling that I’d like to. Also I was drinking more than was good for
me. Almost as soon as I got to Lower Binfield I’d started on the booze, and after that the
pubs never seemed to open quite early enough. My tongue was always hanging out of my
mouth for the last half-hour before opening time.

Mind you, I wasn’t in the same mood all the time. Sometimes it seemed to me that it
didn’t matter a damn if Lower Binfield had been obliterated. After all, what had I come
here for, except to get away from the family? There was no reason why I shouldn’t do all
the things I wanted to do, even go fishing if I felt like it. On the Saturday afternoon I even
went to the fishing-tackle shop in the High Street and bought a split-cane rod (I’d always
pined for a split-cane rod as a boy — it’s a little bit dearer than a green- heart) and hooks
and gut and so forth. The atmosphere of the shop cheered me up. Whatever else changes,
fishing-tackle doesn’t — because, of course, fish don’t change either. And the shopman
didn’t see anything funny in a fat middle-aged man buying a fishing-rod. On the contrary,
we had a little talk about the fishing in the Thames and the big chub somebody had
landed the year before last on a paste made of brown bread, honey, and minced boiled
rabbit. I even — though I didn’t tell him what I wanted them for, and hardly even admitted
it to myself — bought the strongest salmon trace he’d got, and some No. 5 roach-hooks,
with an eye to those big carp at Binfield House, in case they still existed.

Most of Sunday morning I was kind of debating it in my mind — should I go fishing, or
shouldn’t I? One moment I’d think, why the hell not, and the next moment it would seem
to me that it was just one of those things that you dream about and don’t ever do. But in
the afternoon I got the car out and drove down to Burford Weir. I thought I’d just have a
look at the river, and tomorrow, if the weather was right, maybe I’d take my new fishing-
rod and put on the old coat and grey flannel bags I had in my suitcase, and have a good
day’s fishing. Three or four days, if I felt like it.

I drove over Chamford Hill. Down at the bottom the road turns off and runs parallel to
the towpath. I got out of the car and walked. Ah! A knot of little red and white bungalows
had sprung up beside the road. Might have expected it, of course. And there seemed to be
a lot of cars standing about. As I got nearer the river I came into the sound — yes, plonk-
tiddle-tiddle-plonk! — yes, the sound of gramphones.



I rounded the bend and came in sight of the towpath. Christ! Another jolt. The place was
black with people. And where the water-meadows used to be — tea-houses, penny-in-the-
slot machines, sweet kiosks, and chaps selling Walls’ Ice-Cream. Might as well have
been at Margate. I remember the old towpath. You could walk along it for miles, and
except for the chaps at the lock gates, and now and again a bargeman mooching along
behind his horse, you’d meet never a soul. When we went fishing we always had the
place to ourselves. Often I’ve sat there a whole afternoon, and a heron might be standing
in the shallow water fifty yards up the bank, and for three or four hours on end there
wouldn’t be anyone passing to scare him away. But where had I got the idea that grown-
up men don’t go fishing? Up and down the bank, as far as I could see in both directions,
there was a continuous chain of men fishing, one every five yards. I wondered how the
hell they could all have got there until it struck me that they must be some fishing-club or
other. And the river was crammed with boats — rowing-boats, canoes, punts, motor-
launches, full of young fools with next to nothing on, all of them screaming and shouting
and most of them with a gramphone aboard as well. The floats of the poor devils who
were trying to fish rocked up and down on the wash of the motor-boats.

I walked a little way. Dirty, choppy water, in spite of the fine day. Nobody was catching
anything, not even minnows. I wondered whether they expected to. A crowd like that
would be enough to scare every fish in creation. But actually, as I watched the floats
rocking up and down among the ice-cream tubs and the paper bags, I doubted whether
there were any fish to catch. Are there still fish in the Thames? I suppose there must be.
And yet I’ll swear the Thames water isn’t the same as it used to be. Its colour is quite
different. Of course you think that’s merely my imagination, but I can tell you it isn’t so.
I know the water has changed. I remember the Thames water as it used to be, a kind of
luminous green that you could see deep into, and the shoals of dace cruising round the
reeds. You couldn’t see three inches into the water now. It’s all brown and dirty, with a
film of oil in it from the motor-boats, not to mention the fag-ends and the paper bags.

After a bit I turned back. Couldn’t stand the noise of the gramophones any longer. Of
course it’s Sunday, I thought. Mightn’t be so bad on a week-day. But after all, I knew I’d
never come back. God rot them, let ‘em keep their bloody river. Wherever I go fishing it
won’t be in the Thames.



The crowds swarmed past me. Crowds of bloody aliens, and nearly all of them young.
Boys and girls larking along in couples. A troop of girls came past, wearing bell-
bottomed trousers and white caps like the ones they wear in the American Navy, with
slogans printed on them. One of them, seventeen she might have been, had PLEASE
KISS ME. I wouldn’t have minded. On an impulse I suddenly turned aside and weighed
myself on one of the penny-in-the-slot machines. There was a clicking noise somewhere
inside it — you know those machines that tell your fortune as well as your weight — and a
typewritten card came sliding out.

‘You are the possessor of exceptional gifts,’ I read, ‘but owing to excessive modesty you
have never received your reward. Those about you underrate your abilities. You are too
fond of standing aside and allowing others to take the credit for what you have done
yourself . You are sensitive, affectionate, and always loyal to your friends. You are
deeply attractive to the opposite sex. Your worst fault is generosity. Persevere, for you
will rise high!

‘Weight: 14 stone 11 pounds. ’

Ed put on four pounds in the last three days, I noticed. Must have been the booze.


4

I drove back to the George, dumped the car in the garage, and had a late cup of tea. As it
was Sunday the bar wouldn’t open for another hour or two. In the cool of the evening I
went out and strolled up in the direction of the church.

I was just crossing the market-place when I noticed a woman walking a little way ahead
of me. As soon as I set eyes on her I had a most peculiar feeling that I’d seen her
somewhere before. You know that feeling. I couldn’t see her face, of course, and so far as
her back view went there was nothing I could identify and yet I could have sworn I knew
her.



She went up the High Street and turned down one of the side-streets to the right, the one
where Uncle Ezekiel used to have his shop. I followed. I don’t quite know why — partly
curiosity, perhaps, and partly as a kind of precaution. My first thought had been that here
at last was one of the people I’d known in the old days in Lower B infield, but almost at
the same moment it struck me that it was just as likely that she was someone from West
Bletchley. In that case I’d have to watch my step, because if she found out I was here
she’d probably split to Hilda. So I followed cautiously, keeping at a safe distance and
examining her back view as well as I could. There was nothing striking about it. She was
a tallish, fattish woman, might have been forty or fifty, in a rather shabby black dress.
She’d no hat on, as though she’d just slipped out of her house for a moment, and the way
she walked gave you the impression that her shoes were down at heel. All in all, she
looked a bit of a slut. And yet there was nothing to identify, only that vague something
which I knew I’d seen before. It was something in her movements, perhaps. Presently she
got to a little sweet and paper shop, the kind of little shop that always keeps open on a
Sunday. The woman who kept it was standing in the doorway, doing something to a stand
of postcards. My woman stopped to pass the time of day.

I stopped too, as soon as I could find a shop window which I could pretend to be looking
into. It was a plumber’s and decorator’s, full of samples of wallpaper and bathroom
fittings and things.
By this time I wasn’t fifteen yards away from the other two. I could
hear their voices cooing away in one of those meaningless conversations that women
have when they’re just passing the time of day. ‘Yes, that’s jest about it. That’s jest
where it is. I said to him myself, I said, “Well, what else do you expect? ” I said. It don’t
seem right, do it? But what’s the use, you might as well talk to a stone. It’s a shame! ’ and
so on and so forth. I was getting warmer. Obviously my woman was a small shopkeeper’s
wife, like the other. I was just wondering whether she mightn’t be one of the people I’d
known in Lower Binfield after all, when she turned almost towards me and I saw three-
quarters of her face. And Jesus Christ! It was Elsie!

Yes, it was Elsie. No chance of mistake. Elsie! That fat hag!

It gave me such a shock — not, mind you, seeing Elsie, but seeing what she’d grown to be
like — that for a moment things swam in front of my eyes. The brass taps and ballstops
and porcelain sinks and things seemed to fade away into the distance, so that I both saw



them and didn’t see them. Also for a moment I was in a deadly funk that she might
recognize me. But she’d looked bang in my face and hadn’t made any sign. A moment
more, and she turned and went on. Again I followed. It was dangerous, she might spot I
was following her, and that might start her wondering who I was, but I just had to have
another look at her. The fact was that she exercised a kind of horrible fascination on me.
In a manner of speaking I’d been watching her before, but I watched her with quite
different eyes now.

It was horrible, and yet I got a kind of scientific kick out of studying her back view. It’s
frightening, the things that twenty- four years can do to a woman. Only twenty-four
years, and the girl I’d known, with her milky- white skin and red mouth and kind of dull-
gold hair, had turned into this great round-shouldered hag, shambling along on twisted
heels. It made me feel downright glad I’m a man. No man ever goes to pieces quite so
completely as that. I’m fat, I grant you. I’m the wrong shape, if you like. But at least I’m
A shape. Elsie wasn’t even particularly fat, she was merely shapeless. Ghastly things had
happened to her hips. As for her waist, it had vanished. She was just a kind of soft lumpy
cylinder, like a bag of meal.

I followed her a long way, out of the old town and through a lot of mean little streets I
didn’t know. Finally she turned in at the doorway of another shop. By the way she went
in, it was obviously her own. I stopped for a moment outside the window. ‘G. Cookson,
Confectioner and Tobacconist. ’ So Elsie was Mrs Cookson. It was a mangy little shop,
much like the other one where she’d stopped before, but smaller and a lot more flyblown.
Didn’t seem to sell anything except tobacco and the cheapest kinds of sweets. I wondered
what I could buy that would take a minute or two. Then I saw a rack of cheap pipes in the
window, and I went in. I had to brace my nerve up a little before I did it, because there’d
need to be some hard lying if by any chance she recognized me.

She’d disappeared into the room behind the shop, but she came back as I tapped on the
counter. So we were face to face. Ah! no sign. Didn’t recognize me. Just looked at me the
way they do. You know the way small shopkeepers look at their customers — utter lack of
interest.



It was the first time I’d seen her full face, and though I half expected what I saw, it gave
me almost as big a shock as that first moment when I’d recognized her. I suppose when
you look at the face of someone young, even of a child, you ought to be able to foresee
what it’ll look like when it’s old. It’s all a question of the shape of the bones. But if it had
ever occurred to me, when I was twenty and she was twenty-two, to wonder what Elsie
would look like at forty-seven, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind that she could ever look
like THAT. The whole face had kind of sagged, as if it had somehow been drawn
downwards. Do you know that type of middle-aged woman that has a face just like a
bulldog? Great underhung jaw, mouth turned down at the corners, eyes sunken, with
pouches underneath. Exactly like a bulldog. And yet it was the same face, I’d have
known it in a million. Her hair wasn’t completely grey, it was a kind of dirty colour, and
there was much less of it than there used to be. She didn’t know me from Adam. I was
just a customer, a stranger, an uninteresting fat man. It’s queer what an inch or two of fat
can do. I wondered whether I’d changed even more than she had, or whether it was
merely that she wasn’t expecting to see me, or whether — what was the likeliest of all —
she’s simply forgotten my existence.

‘Devening,’ she said, in that listless way they have.

‘I want a pipe,’ I said flatly. ‘A briar pipe. ’

‘A pipe. Now jest lemine see. I know we gossome pipes somewhere. Now where did I —
ah! ‘Ere we are. ’

She took a cardboard box full of pipes from somewhere under the counter. How bad her
accent had got! Or maybe I was just imagining that, because my own standards had
changed? But no, she used to be so ‘superior’, all the girls at Lilywhite’s were so
‘superior’, and she’d been a member of the vicar’s Reading Circle. I swear she never
used to drop her aitches. It’s queer how these women go to pieces once they’re married. I
fiddled among the pipes for a moment and pretended to look them over. Finally I said I’d
like one with an amber mouthpiece.


‘Amber? I don’t know as we got any — ’ she turned towards the back of the shop and
called: ‘Ge-orge! ’



So the other bloke’s name was George too. A noise that sounded something like ‘Ur! ’
came from the back of the shop.


‘Ge-orge! Where ju put that other box of pipes? ’

George came in. He was a small stoutish chap, in shirtsleeves, with a bald head and a big
gingery-coloured soupstrainer moustache. His jaw was working in a ruminative kind of
way. Obviously he’d been interrupted in the middle of his tea. The two of them started
poking round in search of the other box of pipes. It was about five minutes before they
ran it to earth behind some bottles of sweets. It’s wonderful, the amount of litter they
manage to accumulate in these frowsy little shops where the whole stock is worth about
fifty quid.

I watched old Elsie poking about among the litter and mumbling to herself. Do you know
the kind of shuffling, round-shouldered movements of an old woman who’s lost
something? No use trying to describe to you what I felt. A kind of cold, deadly desolate
feeling. You can’t conceive it unless you’ve had it. All I can say is, if there was a girl you
used to care about twenty-five years ago, go and have a look at her now. Then perhaps
you’ll know what I felt.

But as a matter of fact, the thought that was chiefly in my mind was how differently
things turn out from what you expect. The times I’d had with Elsie! The July nights under
the chestnut trees! Wouldn’t you think it would leave some kind of after-effect behind?
Who’d have thought the time would ever come when there would be just no feeling
whatever between us? Here was I and here was she, our bodies might be a yard apart, and
we were just as much strangers as though we’d never met. As for her, she didn’t even
recognize me. If I told her who I was, very likely she wouldn’t remember. And if she did
remember, what would she feel? Just nothing. Probably wouldn’t even be angry because
I’d done the dirty on her. It was as if the whole thing had never happened.

And on the other hand, who’d ever have foreseen that Elsie would end up like this? She’d
seemed the kind of girl who’s bound to go to the devil. I know there’d been at least one
other man before I had met her, and it’s safe to bet there were others between me and the
second George. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that she’d had a dozen altogether. I
treated her badly, there’s no question about that, and many a time it had given me a bad



half-hour. She’ll end up on the streets, I used to think, or stick her head in the gas oven.
And sometimes I felt I’d been a bit of a bastard, but other times I reflected (what was true
enough) that if it hadn’t been me it would have been somebody else. But you see the way
things happen, the kind of dull pointless way. How many women really end up on the
streets? A damn sight more end up at the mangle. She hadn’t gone to the bad, or to the
good either. Just ended up like everybody else, a fat old woman muddling about a frowsy
little shop, with a gingery-moustached George to call her own. Probably got a string of
kids as well. Mrs George Cookson. Lived respected and died lamented — and might die
this side of the bankruptcy-court, if she was lucky.

They’d found the box of pipes. Of course there weren’t any with amber mouthpieces
among them.

‘I don’t know as we got any amber ones just at present, sir. Not amber. We gossome nice
vulcanite ones. ’

‘I wanted an amber one,’ I said.

‘We gossome nice pipes ‘ere. ’ She held one out. ‘That’s a nice pipe, now. ‘Alf a crown,
that one is. ’

I took it. Our fingers touched. No kick, no reaction. The body doesn’t remember. And I
suppose you think I bought the pipe, just for old sake’s sake, to put half a crown in
Elsie’s pocket. But not a bit of it. I didn’t want the thing. I don’t smoke a pipe. I’d merely
been making a pretext to come into the shop. I turned it over in my fingers and then put it
down on the counter.

‘Doesn’t matter, I’ll leave it,’ I said. ‘Give me a small Players’. ’

Had to buy something, after all that fuss. George the second, or maybe the third or fourth,
routed out a packet of Players’, still munching away beneath his moustache. I could see
he was sulky because I’d dragged him away from his tea for nothing. But it seemed too
damn silly to waste half a crown. I cleared out and that was the last I ever saw of Elsie.

I went back to the George and had dinner. Afterwards I went out with some vague idea of
going to the pictures, if they were open, but instead I landed up in one of the big noisy



pubs in the new part of the town. There I ran into a couple of chaps from Staffordshire
who were travelling in hardware, and we got talking about the state of trade, and playing
darts and drinking Guinness. By closing time they were both so boozed that I had to take
them home in a taxi, and I was a bit under the weather myself, and the next morning I
woke up with a worse head than ever.


5


But I had to see the pool at Binfield House.

I felt really bad that morning. The fact was that ever since I struck Lower Binfield I’d
been drinking almost continuously from every opening time to every closing time. The
reason, though it hadn’t occurred to me till this minute, was that really there’d been
nothing else to do. That was all my trip had amounted to so far — three days on the booze.

The same as the other morning, I crawled over to the window and watched the bowler
hats and school caps hustling to and fro. My enemies, I thought. The conquering army
that’s sacked the town and covered the ruins with fag-ends and paper bags. I wondered
why I cared. You think, I dare say, that if it had given me a jolt to find Lower Binfield
swollen into a kind of Dagenham, it was merely because I don’t like to see the earth
getting fuller and country turning into town. But it isn’t that at all. I don’t mind towns
growing, so long as they do grow and don’t merely spread like gravy over a tablecloth. I
know that people have got to have somewhere to live, and that if a factory isn’t in one
place it’ll be in another. As for the picturesqueness, the sham countrified stuff, the oak
panels and pewter dishes and copper warming-pans and what- not, it merely gives me the
sick. Whatever we were in the old days, we weren’t picturesque. Mother would never
have seen any sense in the antiques that Wendy had filled our house with. She didn’t like
gateleg tables — she said they ‘caught your legs’. As for pewter, she wouldn’t have it in
the house. ‘Nasty greasy stuff, she called it. And yet, say what you like, there was
something that we had in those days and haven’t got now, something that you probably
can’t have in a streamlined milk-bar with the radio playing. I’d come back to look for it,



and I hadn’t found it. And yet somehow I half believe in it even now, when I hadn’t yet
got my teeth in and my belly was crying out for an aspirin and a cup of tea.

And that started me thinking again about the pool at Binficld House. After seeing what
they’d done to the town, I’d had a feeling you could only describe as fear about going to
see whether the pool still existed. And yet it might, there was no knowing. The town was
smothered under red brick, our house was full of Wendy and her junk, the Thames was
poisoned with motor-oil and paper bags. But maybe the pool was still there, with the
great black fish still cruising round it. Maybe, even, it was still hidden in the woods and
from that day to this no one had discovered it existed. It was quite possible. It was a very
thick bit of wood, full of brambles and rotten brushwood (the beech trees gave way to
oaks round about there, which made the undergrowth thicker), the kind of place most
people don’t care to penetrate. Queerer things have happened.

I didn’t start out till late afternoon. It must have been about half past four when I took the
car out and drove on to the Upper Binfield road.