No More Learning

What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies?

SIR OLIVER. Yes--if He has merit enough to deserve them.

SIR PETER. Well--well--you'll be convinced when you know him--'tis
edification to hear him converse--he professes the noblest Sentiments.

SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments--if he salutes me with a scrap
sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly--but however
don't mistake me Sir Peter I don't mean to defend Charles's Errors--but
before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of
their Hearts--and my Friend Rowley and I have planned something for the
Purpose.

ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken.

SIR PETER. My life on Joseph's Honour----

SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine--and we'll drink the
Lads' Healths and tell you our scheme.

SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then----

SIR OLIVER. But don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend's
son.

SIR PETER. 'Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy. --

ROWLEY. Come--come--Sir Peter consider how early He was left to his own
guidance.

SIR OLIVER. Odds my Life--I am not sorry that He has run out of the
course a little--for my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence clinging to
the green juices of youth--'tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the
growth of the Tree.

END OF THE SECOND ACT




ACT III




SCENE I. --At SIR PETER'S

SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY

SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our wine
afterwards. --but how is this, Master Rowley--I don't see the Jet of your
scheme.

ROWLEY. Why Sir--this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly
related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin--but
has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes--and now lately
coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here--has been
flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors--where he is now with
two helpless Boys. --

SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what is this
to lead to--?

ROWLEY. You shall hear--He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and
Charles--from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises
of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has
left him power to do--and He is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum
of money--part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know He
intends for the service of poor Stanley.

SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother's Son.

SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to----

ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley has
obtain'd permission to apply in person to his Friends--and as they
have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his
character--and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of
the Benevolence of their Dispositions.

SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothing--I make no doubt Charles is
Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had
it--

SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it--. I have brought a few Rupees
home with me Sir Peter--and I only want to be sure of bestowing them
rightly. --

ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother one
who in the midst of Folly and dissipation--has still, as our immortal
Bard expresses it,--

"a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity. "

SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse
either when He has nothing left to give! --but if you talk of humane
Sentiments--Joseph is the man--Well, well, make the trial, if you
please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to
examine, relative to Charles's affairs?

ROWLEY. Below waiting his commands, and no one can give him better
intelligence--This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him
justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a
proper sense of his extravagance.

SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in.

ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs.

[Calls to SERVANT. ]

SIR PETER. But Pray why should you suppose he will speak the truth?

ROWLEY. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering
certain Sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver,
who He knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his Fidelity to his
interest. I have also another evidence in my Power, one Snake, whom I
shall shortly produce to remove some of YOUR Prejudices[,] Sir Peter[,]
relative to Charles and Lady Teazle.

SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that subject.

ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite.

Enter MOSES
--This is Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER. Sir--I understand you have lately had great dealings with my
Nephew Charles.

MOSES. Yes Sir Oliver--I have done all I could for him, but He was
ruined before He came to me for Assistance.

SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky truly--for you have had no opportunity of
showing your Talents.

MOSES. None at all--I hadn't the Pleasure of knowing his Distresses till
he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible to add
to them.

SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all in your
Power for him honest Moses?

MOSES. Yes he knows that--This very evening I was to have brought him a
gentleman from the city who does not know him and will I believe advance
some money.

SIR PETER. What[! ] one Charles has never had money from before?

MOSES. Yes[--]Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars.

SIR PETER. Egad, Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me! --Charles you say
does'nt know Mr. Premium?

MOSES. Not at all.

SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of
satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor Relation--go
with my friend Moses and represent Mr. Premium and then I'll answer
for't you'll see your Nephew in all his glory.

SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other, and I may visit
Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.

SIR PETER. True so you may.

ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be
sure--however Moses--you understand Sir Peter and will be faithful----

MOSES. You may depend upon me--and this is near the Time I was to have
gone.

SIR OLIVER. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses----but
hold--I have forgot one thing--how the plague shall I be able to pass
for a Jew?

MOSES. There's no need--the Principal is Christian.

SIR OLIVER. Is He--I'm very sorry to hear it--but then again--an't I
rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-Lender?

SIR PETER. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you went in
your own carriage--would it, Moses!

MOSES. Not in the least.

SIR OLIVER. Well--but--how must I talk[? ] there's certainly some cant of
usury and mode of treating that I ought to know.

SIR PETER. Oh, there's not much to learn--the great point as I take it
is to be exorbitant enough in your Demands hey Moses?

MOSES. Yes that's very great Point.

SIR OLIVER. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in that--I'll ask him
eight or ten per cent. on the loan--at least.

MOSES. You'll be found out directly--if you ask him no more than that,
you'll be discovered immediately.

SIR OLIVER. Hey! --what the Plague! --how much then?

MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstances--if he appears not very
anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per
cent. --but if you find him in great Distress, and want the monies very
bad--you may ask double.

SIR PETER. A good--[h]onest Trade you're learning, Sir Oliver--

SIR OLIVER. Truly, I think so--and not unprofitable--

MOSES. Then you know--you haven't the monies yourself, but are forced to
borrow them for him of a Friend.

SIR OLIVER. O I borrow it of a Friend do I?

MOSES. And your friend is an unconscion'd Dog--but you can't help it.

SIR OLIVER. My Friend's an unconscionable Dog, is he?

MOSES. Yes--and He himself hasn't the monies by him--but is forced to
sell stock--at a great loss--

SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is he--at a great loss, is
he--well that's very kind of him--

SIR PETER. Efaith, Sir Oliver--Mr. Premium I mean--you'll soon be master
of the Trade--but, Moses would have him inquire if the borrower is a
minor--

MOSES. O yes--

SIR PETER. And in that case his Conscience will direct him--

MOSES. To have the Bond in another Name to be sure.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well I shall be perfect--

SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn't you have him also run out a little
against the annuity Bill--that would be in character I should think--

MOSES. Very much--

ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion
before He is suffered to ruin himself!

MOSES. Aye, great Pity!

SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act whose only
object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious Relief
of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without
being undone by coming into Possession.

SIR OLIVER. So--so--Moses shall give me further instructions as we go
together.

SIR PETER. You will not have much time[,] for your Nephew lives hard
bye--

SIR OLIVER. Oh Never--fear[:] my Tutor appears so able that tho' Charles
lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am not a compleat
Rogue before I turn the Corner--

[Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES. ]

SIR PETER. So--now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced--you shan't
follow them Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles for
'tother plot.

ROWLEY. No upon my word Sir Peter--

SIR PETER. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has to
say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her. --

[Exit ROWLEY. ]
I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and
Charles were unjust--I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to
my Friend Joseph. . . . I am determined. I will do it--He will give me
his opinion sincerely. --

Enter MARIA

So Child--has Mr. Surface returned with you--

MARIA. No Sir--He was engaged.

SIR PETER. Well--Maria--do you not reflect[,] the more you converse with
that amiable young man[,] what return his Partiality for you deserves?

MARIA. Indeed Sir Peter--your frequent importunity on this subject
distresses me extremely--you compell me to Declare that I know no man
who has ever paid me a particular Attention whom I would not prefer to
Mr. Surface--

SIR PETER. Soh! Here's Perverseness--no--no--Maria, 'tis Charles only
whom you would prefer--'tis evident his Vices and Follies have won your
Heart.

MARIA. This is unkind Sir--You know I have obey'd you in neither seeing
nor corresponding with him--I have heard enough to convince me that
He is unworthy my regard--Yet I cannot think it culpable--if while my
understanding severely condemns his Vices, my Heart suggests some Pity
for his Distresses.

SIR PETER. Well well pity him as much as you please, but give your Heart
and Hand to a worthier object.

MARIA. Never to his Brother!

SIR PETER. Go--perverse and obstinate!
but take care, Madam--you have
never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is--don't compel me to
inform you of it. --

MARIA. I can only say, you shall not have just Reason--'tis true, by
my Father's will I am for a short period bound to regard you as his
substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would compel me to
be miserable.

[Exit. ]

SIR PETER. Was ever man so crossed as I am[? ] everything conspiring to
fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,] before
her Father--a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe--for the
Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . . but here
comes my Helpmate! --She appears in great good humour----how happy I
should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little----

Enter LADY TEAZLE

LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven't been quarrelling with
Maria? It isn't using me well to be ill humour'd when I am not bye--!

SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good
humour'd at all times--

LADY TEAZLE. I am sure--I wish I had--for I want you to be in a charming
sweet temper at this moment--do be good humour'd now--and let me have
two hundred Pounds will you?

SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an't I to be in a good humour
without paying for it--but speak to me thus--and Efaith there's nothing
I could refuse you. You shall have it--but seal me a bond for the
repayment.

LADY TEAZLE. O no--there--my Note of Hand will do as well--

SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an
independent settlement--I shall shortly surprise you--and you'll not
call me ungenerous--but shall we always live thus--hey?

LADY TEAZLE. If you--please--I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off
quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first--

SIR PETER. Well--then let our future contest be who shall be most
obliging.

LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you--you look
now as you did before we were married--when you used to walk with me
under the Elms, and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your
youth--and chuck me under the chin you would--and ask me if I thought I
could love an old Fellow who would deny me nothing--didn't you?

SIR PETER. Yes--yes--and you were as kind and attentive----

LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was--and would always take your Part, when my
acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule--

SIR PETER. Indeed!

LADY TEAZLE. Aye--and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff
peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who
might be my Father--I have always defended you--and said I didn't think
you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a
husband--

SIR PETER. And you prophesied right--and we shall certainly now be the
happiest couple----

LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again.

SIR PETER. No never--tho' at the same time indeed--my dear Lady
Teazle--you must watch your Temper very narrowly--for in all our little
Quarrels--my dear--if you recollect my Love you always began first--

LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardon--my dear Sir Peter--indeed--you always
gave the provocation.

SIR PETER. Now--see, my Love take care--contradicting isn't the way to
keep Friends.

LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it my Love!

SIR PETER. There now--you are going on--you don't perceive[,] my Life,
that you are just doing the very thing my Love which you know always
makes me angry.

LADY TEAZLE. Nay--you know if you will be angry without any reason--my
Dear----

SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again.

LADY TEAZLE. No--I am sure I don't--but if you will be so peevish----

SIR PETER. There--now who begins first?

LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure--I said nothing[--]but there's no
bearing your Temper.

SIR PETER. No--no--my dear--the fault's in your own temper.

LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you would be--

SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophy--is a forward impertinent Gipsey--

LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bear--how dare you abuse my Relations--

SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever
I try to be Friends with you any more----

LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better.

SIR PETER. No--no Madam 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me--I was
a madman to marry you--

LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry you--an old dangling
Batchelor, who was single of [at] fifty--only because He never could
meet with any one who would have him.

SIR PETER. Aye--aye--Madam--but you were pleased enough to listen to
me--you never had such an offer before--

LADY TEAZLE. No--didn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier--who everybody
said would have been a better Match--for his estate is just as good as
yours--and he has broke his Neck since we have been married!

SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an
unfeeling--ungrateful--but there's an end of everything--I believe you
capable of anything that's bad--Yes, Madam--I now believe the Reports
relative to you and Charles--Madam--yes--Madam--you and Charles are--not
without grounds----

LADY TEAZLE. Take--care Sir Peter--you had better not insinuate any such
thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you----

SIR PETER. Very--well--Madam--very well! a separate maintenance--as soon
as you Please. Yes Madam or a Divorce--I'll make an example of myself
for the Benefit of all old Batchelors--Let us separate, Madam.

LADY TEAZLE. Agreed--agreed--and now--my dear Sir Peter we are of a
mind again, we may be the happiest couple--and never differ again, you
know--ha! ha! --Well you are going to be in a Passion I see--and I shall
only interrupt you--so, bye! bye! hey--young Jockey try'd and countered.

[Exit. ]

SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper, can't
I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I'll not
bear her presuming to keep her Temper--No she may break my Heart--but
she shan't keep her Temper.

[Exit. ]




SCENE II. --At CHARLES's House

Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER

TRIP. Here Master Moses--if you'll stay a moment--I'll try whether
Mr. ----what's the Gentleman's Name?

SIR OLIVER. Mr. ----Moses--what IS my name----

MOSES. Mr. Premium----

TRIP. Premium--very well.

[Exit TRIP--taking snuff. ]

SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servants--one wouldn't believe the master
was ruin'd--but what--sure this was my Brother's House----

MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture,
Pictures, &c. --just as the old Gentleman left it--Sir Peter thought it a
great piece of extravagance in him.

SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's economy in selling it to him was more
reprehensible by half. ----

Enter TRIP

TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company, and
can't speak with you yet.

SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he wouldn't
have sent such a Message.

TRIP. Yes--yes--Sir--He knows you are here--I didn't forget little
Premium--no--no----

SIR OLIVER. Very well--and pray Sir what may be your Name?

TRIP. Trip Sir--my Name is Trip, at your Service.

SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip--I presume your master is seldom without
company----

TRIP. Very seldom Sir--the world says ill-natured things of him but 'tis
all malice--no man was ever better beloved--Sir he seldom sits down to
dinner without a dozen particular Friends----

SIR OLIVER. He's very happy indeed--you have a pleasant sort of Place
here I guess?

TRIP. Why yes--here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably
enough--but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear--and not
very great either--but fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and
Bouquets----

SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets! --Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside. ]

TRIP. But a propos Moses--have you been able to get me that little Bill
discounted?

SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too! --mercy on me! has his distresses,
I warrant[,] like a Lord--and affects Creditors and Duns! [Aside. ]

MOSES. 'Twas not be done, indeed----

TRIP. Good lack--you surprise me--My Friend Brush has indorsed it and
I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill 'twas as good as
cash.

MOSES. No 'twouldn't do.

TRIP. A small sum--but twenty Pound--harkee, Moses do you think you
could get it me by way of annuity?

SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity--Well
done Luxury egad! [Aside. ]

MOSES. Who would you get to join with you?

TRIP. You know my Lord Applice--you have seen him however----

MOSES. Yes----

TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makes--nobody dresses
better, nobody throws off faster--very well this Gentleman will stand my
security.

MOSES. Well--but you must insure your Place.

TRIP. O with all my Heart--I'll insure my Place, and my Life too, if you
please.

SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck----

MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit?

TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has drop'd lately--but
I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter Cloaths with equity
of redemption before November or--you shall have the reversion--of the
French velvet, or a post obit on the Blue and Silver--these I
should think Moses--with a few Pair of Point Ruffles as a collateral
security--hey, my little Fellow?

MOSES. Well well--we'll talk presently--we detain the Gentlemen----

SIR OLIVER. O pray don't let me interrupt Mr. Trip's Negotiation.

TRIP. Harkee--I heard the Bell--I believe, Gentlemen I can now introduce
you--don't forget the annuity little Moses.

SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple of
Dissipation indeed!

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE III. --CHARLES, CARELESS, etc. , etc.

At Table with Wine

CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true! --there is the great Degeneracy of the
age--many of our acquaintance have Taste--Spirit, and Politeness--but
plague on't they won't drink----

CARELESS. It is so indeed--Charles--they give into all the substantial
Luxuries of the Table--and abstain from nothing but wine and wit--Oh,
certainly society suffers by it intolerably--for now instead of the
social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright
Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they
drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its
spirit or Flavour.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than
wine----

CARELESS. True--there's Harry diets himself--for gaming and is now under
a hazard Regimen.

CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it--what you wouldn't train a
horse for the course by keeping him from corn--For my Part egad I am
never so successful as when I'm a little--merry--let me throw on a
Bottle of Champaine and I never lose--at least I never feel my losses
which is exactly the same thing.

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be--but it is as impossible to follow
wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.

CHARLES. Pshaw--you may do both--Caesar made Love and Laws in a
Breath--and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies--but no man
can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine--'tis
the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart--fill a dozen Bumpers to a
dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched
you.

CARELESS. Now then Charles--be honest and give us yours----

CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you--if I toast
her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth!

CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses
that will do I warrant----

CHARLES. Here then--Bumpers--you Rogues--Bumpers! Maria--Maria----

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?

CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd in
Love's calendar--but now Careless beware--beware--we must have Beauty's
superlative.