No More Learning

Elle seule
pouvait me donner ce bonheur. L'idée de son unicité n'était plus un
_a priori_ métaphysique puisé dans ce qu'Albertine avait d'individuel,
comme jadis pour les passantes, mais un _a posteriori_ constitué par
l'imbrication contingente et indissoluble de mes souvenirs. Je ne
pouvais plus désirer une tendresse sans avoir besoin d'elle, sans
souffrir de son absence. Aussi la ressemblance même de la femme
choisie, de la tendresse demandée avec le bonheur que j'avais connu ne
me faisait que mieux sentir tout ce qui leur manquait pour qu'il pût
renaître. Ce même vide que je sentais dans ma chambre depuis
qu'Albertine était partie, et que j'avais cru combler en serrant des
femmes contre moi, je le retrouvais en elles. Elles ne m'avaient jamais
parlé, elles, de la musique de Vinteuil, des mémoires de Saint-Simon,
elles n'avaient pas mis un parfum trop fort pour venir me voir, elles
n'avaient pas joué à mêler leurs cils aux miens, toutes choses
importantes parce qu'elles permettent, semble-t-il, de rêver autour de
l'acte sexuel lui-même et de se donner l'illusion de l'amour, mais en
réalité parce qu'elles faisaient partie du souvenir d'Albertine et que
c'était elle que j'aurais voulu trouver. Ce que ces femmes avaient
d'Albertine me faisait mieux ressentir ce que d'elle il leur manquait et
qui était tout, et qui ne serait plus jamais puisque Albertine était
morte. Et ainsi mon amour pour Albertine qui m'avait attiré vers ces
femmes me les rendait indifférentes, et peut-être mon regret
d'Albertine et la persistance de ma jalousie qui avaient déjà
dépassé par leur durée mes prévisions les plus pessimistes
n'auraient sans doute jamais changé beaucoup, si leur existence,
isolée du reste de ma vie, avait seulement été soumise au jeu de mes
souvenirs, aux actions et réactions d'une psychologie applicable à des
états immobiles, et n'avait pas été entraînée vers un système plus
vaste où les âmes se meuvent dans le temps comme les corps dans
l'espace. Comme il y a une géométrie dans l'espace, il y a une
psychologie dans le temps, où les calculs d'une psychologie plane ne
seraient plus exacts parce qu'on n'y tiendrait pas compte du temps et
d'une des formes qu'il revêt, l'oubli; l'oubli dont je commençais à
sentir la force et qui est un si puissant instrument d'adaptation à la
réalité parce qu'il détruit peu à peu en nous le passé survivant
qui est en constante contradiction avec elle. Et j'aurais vraiment bien
pu deviner plus tôt qu'un jour je n'aimerais plus Albertine. Quand
j'avais compris, par la différence qu'il y avait entre ce que
l'importance de sa personne et de ses actions était pour moi et pour
les autres, que mon amour était moins un amour pour elle, qu'un amour
en moi, j'aurais pu déduire diverses conséquences de ce caractère
subjectif de mon amour et qu'étant un état mental, il pouvait
notamment survivre assez longtemps à la personne, mais aussi que
n'ayant avec cette personne aucun lien véritable, n'ayant aucun soutien
en dehors de soi, il devrait comme tout état mental, même les plus
durables, se trouver un jour hors d'usage, être «remplacé» et que ce
jour-là tout ce qui semblait m'attacher si doucement, indissolublement,
au souvenir d'Albertine n'existerait plus pour moi. C'est le malheur des
êtres de n'être pour nous que des planches de collections fort usables
dans notre pensée. Justement à cause de cela on fonde sur eux des
projets qui ont l'ardeur de la pensée; mais la pensée se fatigue, le
souvenir se détruit, le jour viendrait où je donnerais volontiers à
la première venue la chambre d'Albertine, comme j'avais sans aucun
chagrin donné à Albertine la bille d'agate ou d'autres présents de
Gilberte.


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