No More Learning

Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented
my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare.
What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE
Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish!
Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE
As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the
matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY
Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully
irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love!
Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the
insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips
smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly
pouting; more lovely in sullenness!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY
Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your
age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt
indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have
touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY
To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd
so! --yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another
matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire.
Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you
please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two,
one eye, and a few more graces of that kind--now, without being very
nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual
number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may
be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of
two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

Sir ANTHONY
What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite! --a vile,
insensible stock. You a soldier! --you're a walking block, fit only to
dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to
marry the girl myself!

ABSOLUTE
I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing
Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or
if you should change your mind, and take the old lady--'tis the same to
me--I'll marry the niece.

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but,
come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm
sure it must--come, now--damn your demure face! --come, confess
Jack--you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the
hypocrite, hey! --I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and
playing the hypocrite.

ABSOLUTE
I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be
so mistaken.

Sir ANTHONY
Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note
to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall
be the Promethean torch to you--come along, I'll never forgive you, if
you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience--if you
don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!

[Exeunt. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene II--JULIA's Dressing-room.
[FAULKLAND discovered alone. ]

FAULKLAND
They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come!
How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my
cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point:
but on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love
beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madly capricious! I
am conscious of it--yet I cannot correct myself! What tender honest joy
sparkled in her eyes when we met! how delicate was the warmth of her
expression! I was ashamed to appear less happy--though I had come
resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's
presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied
that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming!
Yes! --I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient
Faulkland counts the moments of her stay.

[Enter JULIA. ]

JULIA
I had not hoped to see you again so soon.

FAULKLAND
Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome--restrained as we
were by the presence of a third person?

JULIA
O Faulkland, when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not
think that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation.

FAULKLAND
'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you--to see you in
such health. Sure I had no cause for coldness?

JULIA
Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal
from me what it is.

FAULKLAND
Well, then--shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of your health
and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped by his
dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire--on
your mirth--your singing--dancing, and I know not what! For such is my
temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in your
absence as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down the
cheek of parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there
till they meet again.

JULIA
Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute
caprice? Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your breast
against my tried affections?

FAULKLAND
They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no--I am happy if you have been
so--yet only say, that you did not sing with mirth--say that you
thought of Faulkland in the dance.

JULIA
I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of
content, it is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's
truth. If I seemed sad, it were to make malice triumph; and say, that I
had fixed my heart on one, who left me to lament his roving, and my own
credulity. Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you, when I
say, that I have often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should
guess whose unkindness had caused my tears.

FAULKLAND
You were ever all goodness to me. Oh, I am a brute, when I but admit a
doubt of your true constancy!

JULIA
If ever without such cause from you, as I will not suppose possible,
you find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial
scoff for levity and base ingratitude.

FAULKLAND
Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no title to
your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have
mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart.

JULIA
For what quality must I love you?

FAULKLAND
For no quality! To regard me for any quality of mind or understanding,
were only to esteem me. And for person--I have often wished myself
deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any part
of your affection.

JULIA
Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a
man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this
vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never
asked my eyes if it were so or not.

FAULKLAND
Now this is not well from you, Julia--I despise person in a man--yet if
you loved me as I wish, though I were an AEthiop, you'd think none so
fair.

JULIA
I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my poor
father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege.

FAULKLAND
Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed and justify my doubts. I would
not have been more free--no--I am proud of my restraint.
Yet--yet--perhaps your high respect alone for this solemn compact has
fettered your inclinations, which else had made a worthier choice. How
shall I be sure, had you remained unbound in thought and promise, that
I should still have been the object of your persevering love?

JULIA
Then try me now. Let us be free as strangers as to what is past: my
heart will not feel more liberty!

FAULKLAND
There now! so hasty, Julia! so anxious to be free! If your love for me
were fixed and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even though I
wished it!

JULIA
Oh! you torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it.

FAULKLAND
I do not mean to distress you. If I loved you less I should never give
you an uneasy moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubts arise from
this. Women are not used to weigh and separate the motives of their
affections: the cold dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial duty,
may sometimes be mistaken for the pleadings of the heart. I would not
boast--yet let me say, that I have neither age, person, nor character,
to found dislike on; my fortune such as few ladies could be charged
with indiscretion in the match. O Julia! when love receives such
countenance from prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth.

JULIA
I know not whither your insinuations would tend:--but as they seem
pressing to insult me, I will spare you the regret of having done
so. --I have given you no cause for this! [Exit in tears. ]

FAULKLAND
In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for a moment. --The door is
fastened! --Julia! --my soul--but for one moment! --I hear her
sobbing! --'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use her thus! Yet
stay! --Ay--she is coming now:--how little resolution there is in a
woman! --how a few soft words can turn them! --No, faith! --she is not
coming either. --Why, Julia--my love--say but that you forgive me--come
but to tell me that--now this is being too resentful. Stay! she is
coming too--I thought she would--no steadiness in anything: her going
away must have been a mere trick then--she shan't see that I was hurt
by it. --I'll affect indifference--[Hums a tune; then listens. ]
No--zounds! she's not coming! --nor don't intend it, I suppose. --This is
not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it. --What, after so long
an absence to quarrel with her tenderness! --'twas barbarous and
unmanly! --I should be ashamed to see her now. --I'll wait till her just
resentment is abated--and when I distress her so again, may I lose her
for ever! and be linked instead to some antique virago, whose gnawing
passions, and long hoarded spleen, shall make me curse my folly half
the day and all the night. [Exit. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene III--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings.
[Mrs. MALAPROP, with a letter in her hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient
accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am
convinced you deserve the character here given of you.

ABSOLUTE
Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure of
seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present
is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual
accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is
silent.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be
seated. --[They sit. ] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value
the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge
becomes a gentlewoman! --Men have no sense now but for the worthless
flower of beauty!

ABSOLUTE
It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;--yet I fear our ladies should share
the blame--they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge
in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show
fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom. --Few,
like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding. --He is the very pine-apple of
politeness!
--You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has
somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling,
eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows
anything of.

ABSOLUTE
Oh, I have heard the silly affair before. --I'm not at all prejudiced
against her on that account.

Mrs. MALAPROP
You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done
everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my
positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again;--I
have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry
to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her.

ABSOLUTE
It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree. --I thought she had
persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I
have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in
my pocket.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Oh, the devil! my last note.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, here it is.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.

Mrs. MALAPROP
There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter. ]

ABSOLUTE
I think I have seen the hand before--yes, I certainly must have seen
this hand before----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, but read it, captain.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _My soul's idol, my adored Lydia! _--Very tender, indeed!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Tender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the
more so as my new rival_----

Mrs. MALAPROP
That's you, sir.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _Has universally the character of being an accomplished
gentleman and a man of honour. _--Well, that's handsome enough.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.

ABSOLUTE
That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
But go on, sir--you'll see presently.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads. ] _As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you_--Who
can he mean by that?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Me, sir! --me! --he means me! --There--what do you think now? --but go on a
little further.

ABSOLUTE
Impudent scoundrel! --[Reads. ] _it shall go hard but I will elude her
vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes
her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard
words which she don't understand_----

Mrs. MALAPROP
There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that? --an
aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I
reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue,
and a nice derangement of epitaphs!

ABSOLUTE
He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see--[Reads. ] _same
ridiculous vanity_----

Mrs. MALAPROP
You need not read it again, sir.

ABSOLUTE
I beg pardon, ma'am. --[Reads. ] _does also lay her open to the grossest
deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration_--an impudent
coxcomb! --_so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old
harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our
interview. _--Was ever such assurance!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Did you ever hear anything like it? --he'll elude my vigilance, will
he--yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;--we'll try
who can plot best!

ABSOLUTE
So we will, ma'am--so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha!
ha! --Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this
fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a
little time--let her even plot an elopement with him--then do you
connive at her escape--while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow
laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.

Mrs. MALAPROP
I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!

ABSOLUTE
But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now? --I should
like to try her temper a little.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, I don't know--I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this
kind. There is a decorum in these matters.

ABSOLUTE
O Lord! she won't mind me--only tell her Beverley----

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] Gently, good tongue.

Mrs. MALAPROP
What did you say of Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest,
that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough
then--ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP
'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow
tells her he'll get my consent to see her--ha! ha! Let him if he can, I
say again. Lydia, come down here! --[Calling. ] He'll make me a
go-between in their interviews! --ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I
don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly
ridiculous.

ABSOLUTE
'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP
The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who it
is--she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. And
I'll make her behave as becomes a young woman.

ABSOLUTE
As you please, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing
yet, I see--elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit. ]

ABSOLUTE
Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at
once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice,
that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows
me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures. ]

[Enter LYDIA. ]

LYDIA
What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more
dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a
stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who
have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of
his rival--suppose I were to try it--there stands the hated rival--an
officer too! --but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't
begin--truly he seems a very negligent wooer! --quite at his ease, upon
my word! --I'll speak first--Mr. Absolute.

ABSOLUTE
Ma'am. [Turns round. ]

LYDIA
O heavens! Beverley!

ABSOLUTE
Hush;--hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!

LYDIA
I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed! --for Heaven's
sake! how came you here?

ABSOLUTE
Briefly, I have deceived your aunt--I was informed that my new rival
was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away,
have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.

LYDIA
O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, she's convinced of it.

LYDIA
Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is
overreached!

ABSOLUTE
But we trifle with our precious moments--such another opportunity may
not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to
fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and
with a licensed warmth plead for my reward.

LYDIA
Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry
wealth? --that burden on the wings of love?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, come to me--rich only thus--in loveliness! Bring no portion to me
but thy love--'twill be generous in you, Lydia--for well you know, it
is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay.

LYDIA
[Aside. ] How persuasive are his words! --how charming will poverty be
with him!

ABSOLUTE
Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and
support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all
worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of
calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding
gloom of adversity shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly
bright. By Heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a
prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my
bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here--[Embracing
her. ] [Aside. ] If she holds out now, the devil is in it!

LYDIA
[Aside. ] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution
is not yet come to a crisis.

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening. ]

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself.

ABSOLUTE
So pensive, Lydia! --is then your warmth abated?

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] Warmth abated! --so! --she has been in a passion, I suppose.

LYDIA
No--nor ever can while I have life.

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside. ] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her
life--will she?

LYDIA
Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any
weight with me.