No More Learning

If I can cure them I do it, if not, I reason thus with
myself, What good will it do me to torment myself about that which will
be never the better for it? In short, I let Reason do that for me at
first, which after a little While, Time itself would do. And this I be
sure take Care of, not to suffer any Vexation, be it never so great, to
go to Bed with me.

_Eu. _ No wonder that you don't grow old, who are of that Temper.

_Gl. _ Well, and that I mayn't conceal any thing from Friends, in an
especial Manner I have kept this Guard upon myself, never to commit any
Thing that might be a Reflection either on my own Honour or that of my
Children. For there is nothing more troublesome than a guilty
Conscience. And if I have committed a Fault I don't go to Bed before I
have reconcil'd myself to God. To be at Peace with God is the Fountain
of true Tranquillity of Mind, or, as the Greeks call it, [Greek:
euthymia]. For they who live thus, Men can do them no great Injury.

_Eu. _ Have you never any anxious Thoughts upon the Apprehension of
Death?

_Gl. _ No more than I have for the Day of my Birth. I know I must die,
and to live in the Fear of it may possibly shorten my Life, but to be
sure it would never make it longer. So that I care for nothing else but
to live piously and comfortably, and leave the rest to Providence; and a
Man can't live happily that does not live piously.

_Pa. _ But I should grow old with the Tiresomeness of living so long in
the same Place, tho' it were _Rome_ itself.

_Gl. _ The changing of Place has indeed something of Pleasure in it; but
then, as for long Travels, tho' perhaps they may add to a Man's
Experience, yet they are liable to a great many Dangers. I seem to
myself to travel over the whole World in a Map, and can see more in
Histories than if I had rambled through Sea and Land for twenty Years
together, as _Ulysses_ did. I have a little Country-House about two
Miles out of Town, and there sometimes, of a Citizen I become a
Country-Man, and having recreated my self there, I return again to the
City a new Comer, and salute and am welcom'd as if I had return'd from
the new-found Islands.

_Eu. _ Don't you assist Nature with a little Physick?

_Gl. _ I never was let Blood, or took Pills nor Potions in my Life yet.
If I feel any Disorder coming upon me, I drive it away with spare Diet
or the Country Air.

_Eu. _ Don't you study sometimes?

_Gl. _ I do. In that is the greatest Pleasure of my Life: But I make a
Diversion of it, but not a Toil. I study either for Pleasure or Profit
of my Life, but not for Ostentation. After Meat I have a Collation of
learned Stories, or else somebody to read to me, and I never sit to my
Books above an Hour at a Time: Then I get up and take my Violin, and
walk about in my Chamber, and sing to it, or else ruminate upon what I
have read; or if I have a good Companion with me, I relate it, and after
a While I return to my Book again.

_Eu. _ But tell me now, upon the Word of an honest Man; Do you feel none
of the Infirmities of old Age, which are said to be a great many?

_Gl. _ My Sleep is not so sound, nor my Memory so good, unless I fix any
thing deeply in it. Well, I have now acquitted myself of my Promise. I
have laid open to you those magical Arts by which I have kept myself
young, and now let _Polygamus_ tell us fairly, how he brought old Age
upon him to that Degree.

_Po. _ Indeed, I will hide nothing from such trusty Companions.

_Eu. _ You will tell it to those that will not make a Discourse of it.

_Po. _ You very well know I indulg'd my Appetite when I was at _Paris_.

_Eu. _ We remember it very well. But we thought that you had left your
rakish Manners and your youthful Way of Living at _Paris_.

_Po. _ Of the many Mistresses I had there I took one Home, who was big
with Child.

_Eu. _ What, into your Father's House?

_Po. _ Directly thither; but I pretended she was a Friend's Wife, who was
to come to her in a little Time.

_Gl. _ Did your Father believe it?

_Po. _ He smelt the Matter out in three or four Days time, and then there
was a cruel Scolding. However, in this Interim I did not leave off
Feasting, Gaming, and other extravagant Diversions. And in short, my
Father continuing to rate me, saying he would have no such cackling
Gossips under his Roof, and ever and anon threatning to discard me, I
march'd off, remov'd to another Place with my Pullet, and she brought me
some young Chickens.

_Pa. _ Where had you Money all the While?

_Po. _ My Mother gave me some by Stealth, and I ran over Head and Ears in
Debt.

_Eu. _ Had any Body so little Wit as to lend you?

_Po. _ There are some Persons who will trust no Body more readily than
they will a Spendthrift.

_Pa. _ And what next?

_Po. _ At last my Father was going about to disinherit me in good
earnest. Some Friends interpos'd, and made up the Breach upon this
Condition; that I should renounce the _French_ Woman, and marry one of
our own Country.

_Eu. _ Was she your Wife?

_Po. _ There had past some Words between us in the future Tense, but
there had been carnal Copulation in the present Tense.

_Eu. _ How could you leave her then?

_Po. _ It came to be known afterwards, that my _French_ Woman had a
_French_ Husband that she had elop'd from some Time before.

_Eu. _ But it seems you have a Wife now.

_Po. _ None besides this which is my Eighth.

_Eu. _ The Eighth! Why then you were named _Polygamus_ by Way of
Prophecy. Perhaps they all died without Children.

_Po. _ Nay, there was not one of them but left me a Litter which I have
at Home.

_Eu. _ I had rather have so many Hens at Home, which would lay me Eggs.
An't you weary of wifeing?

_Po. _ I am so weary of it, that if this Eighth should die to Day, I
would marry the Ninth to-Morrow. Nay, it vexes me that I must not have
two or three, when one Cock has so many Hens.

_Eu. _ Indeed I don't wonder, Mr. Cock, that you are no fatter, and that
you have brought old Age upon you to that Degree; for nothing brings on
old Age faster, than excessive and hard Drinking, keeping late Hours,
and Whoring, extravagant Love of Women, and immoderate Venery. But who
maintains your Family all this While?

_Po. _ A small Estate came to me by the Death of my Father, and I work
hard with my Hands.

_Eu. _ Have you given over Study then?

_Po. _ Altogether. I have brought a Noble to Nine Pence, and of a Master
of seven Arts, I am become a Workman of but one Art.

_Eu. _ Poor Man! So many Times you were obliged to be a Mourner, and so
many Times a Widower.

_Po. _ I never liv'd single above ten Days, and the new Wife always put
an End to the Mourning for the old one. So, you have in Truth the
Epitome of my Life; and I wish _Pampirus_ would give us a Narration of
his Life; he bears his Age well enough: For if I am not mistaken, he is
two or three Years older than I.

_Pa. _ Truly I'll tell it ye, if you are at Leisure to hear such a
Romance.

_Eu. _ Nay, it will be a Pleasure to hear it.

_Pa. _ When I went Home my antient Father began to press me earnestly to
enter into some Course of Life, that might make some Addition to what I
had; and after long Consultation Merchandizing was what I took to.

_Po. _ I admire this Way of Life pleas'd you more than any other.

_Pa. _ I was naturally greedy to know new Things, to see various
Countries and Cities, to learn Languages, and the Customs and Manners of
Men, and Merchandize seem'd the most apposite to that Purpose. From
which a general Knowledge of Things proceeds.

_Po. _ But a wretched one, which is often purchas'd with Inconveniencies.

_Pa. _ It is so, therefore my Father gave me a good large Stock, that I
might begin to trade upon a good Foundation: And at the same Time I
courted a Wife with a good Fortune, but handsome enough to have gone off
without a Portion.

_Eu. _ Did you succeed?

_Pa. _ No. Before I came Home, I lost all, Stock and Block.

_Eu. _ Perhaps by Shipwreck.

_Pa. _ By Shipwreck indeed. For we run upon more dangerous Rocks than
those of _Scilly_.

_Eu. _ In what Sea did you happen to run upon that Rock? Or what is the
Name of it?

_Pa. _ I can't tell what Sea 'tis in, but it is a Rock that is infamous
for the destruction of a great many, they call it _Alea_ [Dice, the
Devil's Bones] in _Latin_, how you call it in _Greek_ I can't tell.

_Eu. _ O Fool!

_Pa. _ Nay, my Father was a greater Fool, to trust a young Fop with such
a Sum of Money.

_Gl. _ And what did you do next?

_Pa. _ Why nothing at all, but I began to think of hanging myself.

_Gl. _ Was your Father so implacable then? For such a Loss might be made
up again; and an Allowance is always to be made to one that makes the
first Essay, and much more it ought to be to one that tries all Things.

_Pa. _ Tho' what you say may be true, I lost my Wife in the mean Time.
For as soon as the Maid's Parents came to understand what they must
expect, they would have no more to do with me, and I was over Head and
Ears in Love.

_Gl. _ I pity thee. But what did you propose to yourself after that?

_Pa. _ To do as it is usual in desperate Cases. My Father had cast me
off, my Fortune was consum'd, my Wife was lost, I was every where call'd
a Sot, a Spendthrift, a Rake and what not? Then I began to deliberate
seriously with myself, whether I should hang myself or no, or whether I
should throw myself into a Monastery.

_Eu. _ You were cruelly put to it! I know which you would chuse, the
easier Way of Dying.

_Pa. _ Nay, sick was I of Life itself; I pitched upon that which seem'd
to me the most painful.

_Gl. _ And yet many People cast themselves into Monasteries, that they
may live more comfortably there.

_Pa. _ Having got together a little Money to bear my Charges, I stole out
of my own Country.

_Gl. _ Whither did you go at last?

_Pa. _ Into _Ireland_, there I became a Canon Regular of that Order that
wear Linnen outwards and Woollen next their Skin.

_Gl. _ Did you spend your Winter in _Ireland_?

_Pa. _ No. But by that Time I had been among them two Months I sail'd
into _Scotland_.

_Gl. _ What displeas'd you among them?

_Pa. _ Nothing, but that I thought their Discipline was not severe enough
for the Deserts of one, that once Hanging was too good for.

_Gl. _ Well, what past in _Scotland_?

_Pa. _ Then I chang'd my Linnen Habit for a Leathern one, among the
Carthusians.

_Eu. _ These are the Men, that in Strictness of Profession, are dead to
the World.

_Pa. _ It seem'd so to me, when I heard them Singing.

_Gl. _ What? Do dead Men sing?
But how many Months did you spend among
the _Scots_?

_Pa. _ Almost six.

_Gl. _ A wonderful Constancy.

_Eu. _ What offended you there?

_Pa. _ Because it seem'd to me to be a lazy, delicate Sort of Life; and
then I found there, many that were not of a very sound Brain, by Reason
of their Solitude. I had but a little Brain myself, and I was afraid I
should lose it all.

_Po. _ Whither did you take your next Flight?

_Pa. _ Into France: There I found some cloath'd all in Black, of the
Order of St. Benedict, who intimate by the Colour of their Cloaths, that
they are Mourners in this World; and among these, there were some, that
for their upper Garment wore Hair-Cloth like a Net.

_Gl. _ A grievous Mortification of the Flesh.

_Pa. _ Here I stay'd eleven Months.

_Eu. _ What was the Matter that you did not stay there for good and all?

_Pa. _ Because I found there were more Ceremonies than true Piety: And
besides, I heard that there were some who were much holier, which
_Bernard_ had enjoin'd a more severe Discipline, the black Habit being
chang'd into a white one; with these I liv'd ten Months.

_Eu. _ What disgusted you here?

_Pa. _ I did not much dislike any Thing, for I found them very good
Company; but the _Greek_ Proverb ran in my Mind;

[Greek: Dei tas chelônas ê phagein ê mê phagein. ]

_One must either eat Snails, or eat nothing at all. _

Therefore I came to a Resolution, either not to be a Monk, or to be a
Monk to Perfection. I had heard there were some of the Order of St.
_Bridget_, that were really heavenly Men, I betook myself to these.

_Eu. _ How many Months did you stay there?

_Pa. _ Two Days; but not quite that.

_Gl. _ Did that Kind of Life please you no better than so?

_Pa. _ They take no Body in, but those that will profess themselves
presently; but I was not yet come to that Pitch of Madness, so easily to
put my Neck into such a Halter, that I could never get off again. And as
often as I heard the Nuns singing, the Thoughts of my Mistress that I
had lost, tormented my Mind.

_Gl. _ Well, and what after this?

_Pa. _ My Mind was inflamed with the Love of Holiness; nor yet had I met
with any Thing that could satisfy it. At last, as I was walking up and
down, I fell in among some Cross-Bearers. This Badge pleas'd me at first
Sight; but the Variety hindered me from chusing which to take to. Some
carried a white Cross, some a red Cross, some a green Cross, some a
party-colour'd Cross, some a single Cross, some a double one, some a
quadruple, and others some of one Form, and some of another; and I, that
I might leave nothing untry'd, I carried some of every Sort. But I found
in reality, that there was a great Difference between carrying a Cross
on a Gown or a Coat, and carrying it in the Heart. At last, being tired
with Enquiry, it came into my Mind, that to arrive at universal Holiness
all at once, I would take a Journey to the holy Land, and so would
return Home with a Back-Load of Sanctimony.

_Po. _ And did you go thither?

_Pa. _ Yes.

_Po. _ Where did you get Money to bear your Charges?

_Pa. _ I wonder it never came into your Head, to ask that before now, and
not to have enquir'd after that a great While ago: But you know the old
Proverb; _a Man of Art will live any where_.

_Gl. _ What Art do you carry with you?

_Pa. _ Palmistry.

_Gl. _ Where did you learn it?

_Pa. _ What signifies that?

_Gl. _ Who was your Master?

_Pa. _ My Belly, the great Master of all Arts: I foretold Things past,
present, and to come.

_Gl. _ And did you know any Thing of the Matter?

_Pa. _ Nothing at all; but I made bold Guesses, and run no Risque
neither, having got my Money first.

_Po. _ And was so ridiculous an Art sufficient to maintain you?

_Pa. _ It was, and two Servants too: There is every where such a Number
of foolish young Fellows and Wenches. However, when I came to
_Jerusalem_, I put myself into the Train of a rich Nobleman, who being
seventy Years of Age, said he could never have died in Peace, unless he
had first visited _Jerusalem_.

_Eu. _ What, did he leave a Wife at Home?

_Pa. _ Yes, and six Children.

_Eu. _ O impious, pious, old Man! Well, and did you come back holy from
thence?

_Pa. _ Shall I tell you the Truth? Somewhat worse than I went.

_Eu. _ So, as I hear, your Religion was grown cool.

_Pa. _ Nay, it grew more hot: So I went back into _Italy_, and enter'd
into the Army.

_Eu. _ What, then, did you look for Religion in the Camp. Than which,
what is there that can be more impious?

_Pa. _ It was a holy War.

_Eu. _ Perhaps against the _Turks_.

_Pa. _ Nay, more holy than that, as they indeed gave out at that Time.

_Eu. _ What was that?

_Pa. _ Pope _Julius_ the Second made War upon the _French_. And the
Experience of many Things that it gives a Man, made me fancy a Soldier's
Life.

_Eu. _ Of many Things indeed; but wicked ones.

_Pa. _ So I found afterwards: But however, I liv'd harder here, than I
did in the Monasteries.

_Eu. _ And what did you do after this?

_Pa. _ Now my Mind began to be wavering, whether I should return to my
Business of a Merchant, that I had laid aside, or press forward in
Pursuit of Religion that fled before me. In the mean Time it came into
my Mind, that I might follow both together.

_Eu. _ What, be a Merchant and a Monk both together?

_Pa. _ Why not? There is nothing more religious than the Orders of
Mendicants, and there is nothing more like to Trading. They fly over
Sea and Land, they see many Things, they hear many Things, they enter
into the Houses of common People, Noblemen, and Kings.

_Eu. _ Ay, but they don't Trade for Gain.

_Pa. _ Very often, with better Success than we do.

_Eu. _ Which of these Orders did you make Choice of?

_Pa. _ I try'd them all.

_Eu. _ Did none of them please you?

_Pa. _ I lik'd them all well enough, if I might but presently have gone
to Trading; but I consider'd in my Mind, I must labour a long Time in
the Choir, before I could be qualified for the Trust: So now I began to
think how I might get to be made an Abbot: But, I thought with myself,
_Kissing goes by Favour_, and it will be a tedious Pursuit: So having
spent eight Years after this Manner, hearing of my Father's Death, I
return'd Home, and by my Mother's Advice, I marry'd, and betook myself
to my old Business of Traffick.

_Gl. _ Prithee tell me, when you chang'd your Habit so often, and were
transform'd, as it were, into another Sort of Creature, how could you
behave yourself with a proper Decorum?

_Pa. _ Why not, as well as those who in the same Comedy act several
Parts?

_Eu. _ Tell us now in good earnest, you that have try'd every Sort of
Life, which you most approve of.

_Pa. So many Men, so many Minds:_ I like none better than this which I
follow.

_Eu. _ But there are a great many Inconveniences attend it.

_Pa. _ There are so. But seeing there is no State of Life, that is
entirely free from Incommodities, this being my Lot, I make the best
on't: But now here is _Eusebius_ still, I hope he will not think much to
acquaint his Friends with some Scenes of his Course of Life.

_Eu. _ Nay, with the whole Play of it, if you please to hear it, for it
does not consist of many Acts.

_Gl. _ It will be a very great Favour.

_Eu. _ When I return'd to my own Country, I took a Year to deliberate
what Way of Living to chuse, and examin'd myself, to what Employment my
Inclination led me, and I was fit for. In the mean Time a Prebendary was
offered me, as they call it; it was a good fat Benefice, and I accepted
it.

_Gl. _ That Sort of Life has no good Reputation among People.

_Eu. _ As human Affairs go, I thought it was a Thing well worth the
accepting. Do you look upon it a small Happiness to have so many
Advantages to fall into a Man's Mouth, as tho' they dropt out of Heaven;
handsome Houses well furnish'd, a large Revenue, an honourable Society,
and a Church at Hand, to serve God in, when you have a Mind to it?

_Pa. _ I was scandaliz'd at the Luxury of the Persons, and the Infamy of
their Concubines; and because a great many of that Sort of Men have an
Aversion to Learning.

_Eu. _ I don't mind what others do, but what I ought to do myself, and
associate myself with the better Sort, if I cannot make them that are
bad better.

_Po. _ And is that the State of Life you have always liv'd in?

_Eu. _ Always, except four Years, that I liv'd at _Padua_.

_Po. _ What did you do there?

_Eu. _ These Years I divided in this Manner; I studied Physick a Year and
a half, and the rest of the Time Divinity.

_Po. _ Why so?

_Eu. _ That I might the better manage both Soul and Body, and also
sometimes be helpful by Way of Advice to my Friends. I preached
sometimes according to my Talent. And under these Circumstances, I have
led a very quiet Life, being content with a single Benefice, not being
ambitiously desirous of any more, and should have refus'd it, if it had
been offered me.

_Pa. _ I wish we could learn how the rest of our old Companions have
liv'd, that were our Familiars.

_Eu. _ I can tell you somewhat of some of them: but I see we are not far
from the City; therefore, if you are willing, we will all take up the
same Inn, and there we will talk over the rest at Leisure.

_Hugh. [a Waggoner. ]_ You blinking Fellow, where did you take up this
Rubbish?

_Harry the Waggoner. _ Where are you carrying that Harlottry, you Pimp?

_Hugh. _ You ought to throw these frigid old Fellows somewhere into a Bed
of Nettles, to make them grow warm again.

_Harry. _ Do you see that you shoot that Herd of yours somewhere into a
Pond to cool them, to lay their Concupiscence, for they are too hot.

_Hugh. _ I am not us'd to overturn my Passengers.

_Harry. _ No? but I saw you a little While ago, overturn Half a Dozen
Carthusians into the Mire, so that tho' they went in white, they came
out black, and you stood grinning at it, as if you had done some noble
Exploit.

_Hugh. _ I was in the Right of it, they were all asleep, and added a dead
Weight to my Waggon.

_Harry. _ But these old Gentlemen, by talking merrily all the Way, have
made my Waggon go light. I never had a better Fare.

_Hugh. _ But you don't use to like such Passengers.