Would you do a friend a
service?
Aristophanes
'Tis right to compel him, whom I have loaded with benefits, to
repay them in his turn; if not, he does not merit the least of the god's
favours.
CHREMYLUS. And did he not do this every night?
OLD WOMAN. He swore he would never leave me, as long as I lived.
CHREMYLUS. Aye, rightly; but he thinks you are no longer alive. [799]
OLD WOMAN. Ah! friend, I am pining away with grief.
CHREMYLUS. You are rotting away, it seems to me.
OLD WOMAN. I have grown so thin, I could slip through a ring.
CHREMYLUS. Yes, if 'twere as large as the hoop of a sieve.
OLD WOMAN. But here is the youth, the cause of my complaint; he looks as
though he were going to a festival.
CHREMYLUS. Yes, if his chaplet and his torch are any guides.
YOUTH. Greeting to you.
OLD WOMAN. What does he say?
YOUTH. My ancient old dear, you have grown white very quickly, by heaven!
OLD WOMAN. Oh! what an insult!
CHREMYLUS. It is a long time, then, since he saw you?
OLD WOMAN. A long time? My god! he was with me yesterday.
CHREMYLUS. It must be, then, that, unlike other people, he sees more
clearly when he's drunk.
OLD WOMAN. No, but I have always known him for an insolent fellow.
YOUTH. Oh! divine Posidon! Oh, ye gods of old age! what wrinkles she has
on her face!
OLD WOMAN. Oh! oh! keep your distance with that torch.
CHREMYLUS. Yes, 'twould be as well; if a single spark were to reach her,
she would catch alight like an old olive branch.
YOUTH. I propose to have a game with you.
OLD WOMAN. Where, naughty boy?
YOUTH. Here. Take some nuts in your hand.
OLD WOMAN. What game is this?
YOUTH. Let's play at guessing how many teeth you have.
CHREMYLUS. Ah! I'll tell you; she's got three, or perhaps four.
YOUTH. Pay up; you've lost! she has only one single grinder.
OLD WOMAN. You wretch! you're not in your right senses. Do you insult me
thus before this crowd?
YOUTH. I am washing you thoroughly; 'tis doing you a service.
CHREMYLUS. No, no! as she is there, she can still deceive; but if this
white-lead is washed off, her wrinkles would come out plainly.
OLD WOMAN. You are only an old fool!
YOUTH. Ah! he is playing the gallant, he is fondling your breasts, and
thinks I do not see it.
OLD WOMAN. Oh! no, by Aphrodite, no, you naughty jealous fellow.
CHREMYLUS. Oh! most certainly not, by Hecate! [800] Verily and indeed I
would need to be mad! But, young man, I cannot forgive you, if you cast
off this beautiful child.
YOUTH. Why, I adore her.
CHREMYLUS. But nevertheless she accuses you . . .
YOUTH. Accuses me of what?
CHREMYLUS. . . . of having told her insolently, "Once upon a time the
Milesians were brave. "
YOUTH. Oh! I shall not dispute with you about her.
CHREMYLUS. Why not?
YOUTH. Out of respect for your age; with anyone but you, I should not be
so easy; come, take the girl and be happy.
CHREMYLUS. I see, I see; you don't want her any more.
OLD WOMAN. Nay! this is a thing that cannot be allowed.
YOUTH. I cannot argue with a woman, who has been making love these
thirteen thousand years.
CHREMYLUS. Yet, since you liked the wine, you should now consume the
lees.
YOUTH. But these lees are quite rancid and fusty.
CHREMYLUS. Pass them through a straining-cloth; they'll clarify.
YOUTH. But I want to go in with you to offer these chaplets to the god.
OLD WOMAN. And I too have something to tell him.
YOUTH. Then I don't enter.
CHREMYLUS. Come, have no fear; she won't harm you.
YOUTH. 'Tis true; I've been managing the old bark long enough.
OLD WOMAN. Go in; I'll follow after you.
CHREMYLUS. Good gods! that old hag has fastened herself to her youth like
a limpet to its rock.
CHORUS. [_Missing. _]
CARIO (_opening the door_). Who knocks at the door? Halloa! I see no one;
'twas then by chance it gave forth that plaintive tone.
HERMES (_to Carlo, who is about to close the door_). Cario! stop!
CARIO. Eh! friend, was it you who knocked so loudly? Tell me.
HERMES. No, I was going to knock and you forestalled me by opening. Come,
call your master quick, then his wife and his children, then his slave
and his dog, then thyself and his pig.
CARIO. And what's it all about?
HERMES. It's about this, rascal! Zeus wants to serve you all with the
same sauce and hurl the lot of you into the Barathrum.
CARIO. Have a care for your tongue, you bearer of ill tidings! But why
does he want to treat us in that scurvy fashion?
HERMES. Because you have committed the most dreadful crime. Since Plutus
has recovered his sight, there is nothing for us other gods, neither
incense, nor laurels, nor cakes, nor victims, nor anything in the world.
CARIO. And you will never be offered anything more; you governed us too
ill.
HERMES. I care nothing at all about the other gods, but 'tis myself. I
tell you I am dying of hunger.
CARIO. That's reasoning like a wise fellow.
HERMES. Formerly, from earliest dawn, I was offered all sorts of good
things in the wine-shops,--wine-cakes, honey, dried figs, in short,
dishes worthy of Hermes. Now, I lie the livelong day on my back, with my
legs in the air, famishing.
CARIO. And quite right too, for you often had them punished who treated
you so well. [801]
HERMES. Ah! the lovely cake they used to knead for me on the fourth of
the month! [802]
CARIO. You recall it vainly; your regrets are useless! there'll be no
more cake.
HERMES. Ah! the ham I was wont to devour!
CARIO. Well then! make use of your legs and hop on one leg upon the
wine-skin,[803] to while away the time.
HERMES. Oh! the grilled entrails I used to swallow down!
CARIO. Your own have got the colic, methinks.
HERMES. Oh! the delicious tipple, half wine, half water!
CARIO. Here, swallow that and be off. (_He discharges a fart. _)
HERMES.
Would you do a friend a service?
CARIO. Willingly, if I can.
HERMES. Give me some well-baked bread and a big hunk of the victims they
are sacrificing in your house.
CARIO. That would be stealing.
HERMES. Do you forget, then, how I used to take care he knew nothing
about it when you were stealing something from your master?
CARIO. Because I used to share it with you, you rogue; some cake or other
always came your way.
HERMES. Which afterwards you ate up all by yourself. [804]
CARIO. But then you did not share the blows when I was caught.
HERMES. Forget past injuries, now you have taken Phyle. [805] Ah! how I
should like to live with you! Take pity and receive me.
CARIO. You would leave the gods to stop here?
HERMES. One is much better off among you.
CARIO. What! you would desert! Do you think that is honest?
HERMES. "Where I live well, there is my country. "[806]
CARIO. But how could we employ you here?
HERMES. Place me near the door; I am the watchman god and would shift off
the robbers.
CARIO. Shift off! Ah! but we have no love for shifts.
HERMES. Entrust me with business dealings.
CARIO. But we are rich; why should we keep a haggling Hermes?
HERMES. Let me intrigue for you. [807]
CARIO. No, no, intrigues are forbidden; we believe in good faith.
HERMES. I will work for you as a guide.
CARIO. But the god sees clearly now, so we no longer want a guide.
HERMES. Well then, I will preside over the games. Ah! what can you object
to in that? Nothing is fitter for Plutus than to give scenic and
gymnastic games. [808]
CARIO. How useful 'tis to have so many names! Here you have found the
means of earning your bread. I don't wonder the jurymen so eagerly try to
get entered for many tribunals. [809]
HERMES. So then, you admit me on these terms.
CARIO. Go and wash the entrails of the victims at the well, so that you
may show yourself serviceable at once.
A PRIEST OF ZEUS. Can anyone direct me where Chremylus is?
CHREMYLUS. What would you with him, friend?
PRIEST. Much ill. Since Plutus has recovered his sight, I am perishing of
starvation; I, the priest of Zeus the Deliverer, have nothing to eat!
CHREMYLUS. And what is the cause of that, pray?
PRIEST. No one dreams of offering sacrifices.
CHREMYLUS. Why not?
PRIEST. Because all men are rich. Ah! when they had nothing, the merchant
who escaped from shipwreck, the accused who was acquitted, all immolated
victims; another would sacrifice for the success of some wish and the
priest joined in at the feast; but now there is not the smallest victim,
not one of the faithful in the temple, but thousands who come there to
ease themselves.
CHREMYLUS. Don't you take your share of those offerings?
PRIEST. Hence I think I too am going to say good-bye to Zeus the
Deliverer, and stop here myself.
CHREMYLUS. Be at ease, all will go well, if it so please the god. Zeus
the Deliverer[810] is here; he came of his own accord.
PRIEST. Ha! that's good news.
CHREMYLUS. Wait a little; we are going to install Plutus presently in the
place he formerly occupied behind the Temple of Athene;[811] there he
will watch over our treasures for ever. But let lighted torches be
brought; take these and walk in solemn procession in front of the god.
PRIEST. That's magnificent!
CHREMYLUS. Let Plutus be summoned.
OLD WOMAN. And I, what am I to do?
CHREMYLUS. Take the pots of vegetables which we are going to offer to the
god in honour of his installation and carry them on your head; you just
happen luckily to be wearing a beautiful embroidered robe.
OLD WOMAN. And what about the object of my coming?
CHREMYLUS. Everything shall be according to your wish. The young man will
be with you this evening.
OLD WOMAN. Oh! if you promise me his visit, I will right willingly carry
the pots.
CHREMYLUS. Those are strange pots indeed! Generally the scum rises to the
top of the pots, but here the pots are raised to the top of the old
woman. [812]
CHORUS. Let us withdraw without more tarrying, and follow the others,
singing as we go.
repay them in his turn; if not, he does not merit the least of the god's
favours.
CHREMYLUS. And did he not do this every night?
OLD WOMAN. He swore he would never leave me, as long as I lived.
CHREMYLUS. Aye, rightly; but he thinks you are no longer alive. [799]
OLD WOMAN. Ah! friend, I am pining away with grief.
CHREMYLUS. You are rotting away, it seems to me.
OLD WOMAN. I have grown so thin, I could slip through a ring.
CHREMYLUS. Yes, if 'twere as large as the hoop of a sieve.
OLD WOMAN. But here is the youth, the cause of my complaint; he looks as
though he were going to a festival.
CHREMYLUS. Yes, if his chaplet and his torch are any guides.
YOUTH. Greeting to you.
OLD WOMAN. What does he say?
YOUTH. My ancient old dear, you have grown white very quickly, by heaven!
OLD WOMAN. Oh! what an insult!
CHREMYLUS. It is a long time, then, since he saw you?
OLD WOMAN. A long time? My god! he was with me yesterday.
CHREMYLUS. It must be, then, that, unlike other people, he sees more
clearly when he's drunk.
OLD WOMAN. No, but I have always known him for an insolent fellow.
YOUTH. Oh! divine Posidon! Oh, ye gods of old age! what wrinkles she has
on her face!
OLD WOMAN. Oh! oh! keep your distance with that torch.
CHREMYLUS. Yes, 'twould be as well; if a single spark were to reach her,
she would catch alight like an old olive branch.
YOUTH. I propose to have a game with you.
OLD WOMAN. Where, naughty boy?
YOUTH. Here. Take some nuts in your hand.
OLD WOMAN. What game is this?
YOUTH. Let's play at guessing how many teeth you have.
CHREMYLUS. Ah! I'll tell you; she's got three, or perhaps four.
YOUTH. Pay up; you've lost! she has only one single grinder.
OLD WOMAN. You wretch! you're not in your right senses. Do you insult me
thus before this crowd?
YOUTH. I am washing you thoroughly; 'tis doing you a service.
CHREMYLUS. No, no! as she is there, she can still deceive; but if this
white-lead is washed off, her wrinkles would come out plainly.
OLD WOMAN. You are only an old fool!
YOUTH. Ah! he is playing the gallant, he is fondling your breasts, and
thinks I do not see it.
OLD WOMAN. Oh! no, by Aphrodite, no, you naughty jealous fellow.
CHREMYLUS. Oh! most certainly not, by Hecate! [800] Verily and indeed I
would need to be mad! But, young man, I cannot forgive you, if you cast
off this beautiful child.
YOUTH. Why, I adore her.
CHREMYLUS. But nevertheless she accuses you . . .
YOUTH. Accuses me of what?
CHREMYLUS. . . . of having told her insolently, "Once upon a time the
Milesians were brave. "
YOUTH. Oh! I shall not dispute with you about her.
CHREMYLUS. Why not?
YOUTH. Out of respect for your age; with anyone but you, I should not be
so easy; come, take the girl and be happy.
CHREMYLUS. I see, I see; you don't want her any more.
OLD WOMAN. Nay! this is a thing that cannot be allowed.
YOUTH. I cannot argue with a woman, who has been making love these
thirteen thousand years.
CHREMYLUS. Yet, since you liked the wine, you should now consume the
lees.
YOUTH. But these lees are quite rancid and fusty.
CHREMYLUS. Pass them through a straining-cloth; they'll clarify.
YOUTH. But I want to go in with you to offer these chaplets to the god.
OLD WOMAN. And I too have something to tell him.
YOUTH. Then I don't enter.
CHREMYLUS. Come, have no fear; she won't harm you.
YOUTH. 'Tis true; I've been managing the old bark long enough.
OLD WOMAN. Go in; I'll follow after you.
CHREMYLUS. Good gods! that old hag has fastened herself to her youth like
a limpet to its rock.
CHORUS. [_Missing. _]
CARIO (_opening the door_). Who knocks at the door? Halloa! I see no one;
'twas then by chance it gave forth that plaintive tone.
HERMES (_to Carlo, who is about to close the door_). Cario! stop!
CARIO. Eh! friend, was it you who knocked so loudly? Tell me.
HERMES. No, I was going to knock and you forestalled me by opening. Come,
call your master quick, then his wife and his children, then his slave
and his dog, then thyself and his pig.
CARIO. And what's it all about?
HERMES. It's about this, rascal! Zeus wants to serve you all with the
same sauce and hurl the lot of you into the Barathrum.
CARIO. Have a care for your tongue, you bearer of ill tidings! But why
does he want to treat us in that scurvy fashion?
HERMES. Because you have committed the most dreadful crime. Since Plutus
has recovered his sight, there is nothing for us other gods, neither
incense, nor laurels, nor cakes, nor victims, nor anything in the world.
CARIO. And you will never be offered anything more; you governed us too
ill.
HERMES. I care nothing at all about the other gods, but 'tis myself. I
tell you I am dying of hunger.
CARIO. That's reasoning like a wise fellow.
HERMES. Formerly, from earliest dawn, I was offered all sorts of good
things in the wine-shops,--wine-cakes, honey, dried figs, in short,
dishes worthy of Hermes. Now, I lie the livelong day on my back, with my
legs in the air, famishing.
CARIO. And quite right too, for you often had them punished who treated
you so well. [801]
HERMES. Ah! the lovely cake they used to knead for me on the fourth of
the month! [802]
CARIO. You recall it vainly; your regrets are useless! there'll be no
more cake.
HERMES. Ah! the ham I was wont to devour!
CARIO. Well then! make use of your legs and hop on one leg upon the
wine-skin,[803] to while away the time.
HERMES. Oh! the grilled entrails I used to swallow down!
CARIO. Your own have got the colic, methinks.
HERMES. Oh! the delicious tipple, half wine, half water!
CARIO. Here, swallow that and be off. (_He discharges a fart. _)
HERMES.
Would you do a friend a service?
CARIO. Willingly, if I can.
HERMES. Give me some well-baked bread and a big hunk of the victims they
are sacrificing in your house.
CARIO. That would be stealing.
HERMES. Do you forget, then, how I used to take care he knew nothing
about it when you were stealing something from your master?
CARIO. Because I used to share it with you, you rogue; some cake or other
always came your way.
HERMES. Which afterwards you ate up all by yourself. [804]
CARIO. But then you did not share the blows when I was caught.
HERMES. Forget past injuries, now you have taken Phyle. [805] Ah! how I
should like to live with you! Take pity and receive me.
CARIO. You would leave the gods to stop here?
HERMES. One is much better off among you.
CARIO. What! you would desert! Do you think that is honest?
HERMES. "Where I live well, there is my country. "[806]
CARIO. But how could we employ you here?
HERMES. Place me near the door; I am the watchman god and would shift off
the robbers.
CARIO. Shift off! Ah! but we have no love for shifts.
HERMES. Entrust me with business dealings.
CARIO. But we are rich; why should we keep a haggling Hermes?
HERMES. Let me intrigue for you. [807]
CARIO. No, no, intrigues are forbidden; we believe in good faith.
HERMES. I will work for you as a guide.
CARIO. But the god sees clearly now, so we no longer want a guide.
HERMES. Well then, I will preside over the games. Ah! what can you object
to in that? Nothing is fitter for Plutus than to give scenic and
gymnastic games. [808]
CARIO. How useful 'tis to have so many names! Here you have found the
means of earning your bread. I don't wonder the jurymen so eagerly try to
get entered for many tribunals. [809]
HERMES. So then, you admit me on these terms.
CARIO. Go and wash the entrails of the victims at the well, so that you
may show yourself serviceable at once.
A PRIEST OF ZEUS. Can anyone direct me where Chremylus is?
CHREMYLUS. What would you with him, friend?
PRIEST. Much ill. Since Plutus has recovered his sight, I am perishing of
starvation; I, the priest of Zeus the Deliverer, have nothing to eat!
CHREMYLUS. And what is the cause of that, pray?
PRIEST. No one dreams of offering sacrifices.
CHREMYLUS. Why not?
PRIEST. Because all men are rich. Ah! when they had nothing, the merchant
who escaped from shipwreck, the accused who was acquitted, all immolated
victims; another would sacrifice for the success of some wish and the
priest joined in at the feast; but now there is not the smallest victim,
not one of the faithful in the temple, but thousands who come there to
ease themselves.
CHREMYLUS. Don't you take your share of those offerings?
PRIEST. Hence I think I too am going to say good-bye to Zeus the
Deliverer, and stop here myself.
CHREMYLUS. Be at ease, all will go well, if it so please the god. Zeus
the Deliverer[810] is here; he came of his own accord.
PRIEST. Ha! that's good news.
CHREMYLUS. Wait a little; we are going to install Plutus presently in the
place he formerly occupied behind the Temple of Athene;[811] there he
will watch over our treasures for ever. But let lighted torches be
brought; take these and walk in solemn procession in front of the god.
PRIEST. That's magnificent!
CHREMYLUS. Let Plutus be summoned.
OLD WOMAN. And I, what am I to do?
CHREMYLUS. Take the pots of vegetables which we are going to offer to the
god in honour of his installation and carry them on your head; you just
happen luckily to be wearing a beautiful embroidered robe.
OLD WOMAN. And what about the object of my coming?
CHREMYLUS. Everything shall be according to your wish. The young man will
be with you this evening.
OLD WOMAN. Oh! if you promise me his visit, I will right willingly carry
the pots.
CHREMYLUS. Those are strange pots indeed! Generally the scum rises to the
top of the pots, but here the pots are raised to the top of the old
woman. [812]
CHORUS. Let us withdraw without more tarrying, and follow the others,
singing as we go.
