'But,'
says he, 'there is one little, little fault: your armories are dull
and faded.
says he, 'there is one little, little fault: your armories are dull
and faded.
Warner - World's Best Literature - v21 - Rab to Rus
"
Cibber handed his cane with pomp to a small actor. Brace-
girdle did the same; and striking the attitudes that had passed
for heroic in their day, they declaimed out of the 'Rival Queens'
two or three tirades, which I graciously spare the reader of this
tale. Their elocution was neat and silvery; but not one bit like
the way people speak in streets, palaces, fields, roads, and rooms.
They had not made the grand discovery, which Mr. A. Wigan on
the stage, and every man of sense off it, has made in our day
and nation: namely, that the stage is a representation not of
stage, but of life; and that an actor ought to speak and act in
imitation of human beings, not of speaking machines that have
run and creaked in a stage groove, with their eyes shut upon the
world at large, upon nature, upon truth, upon man, upon woman,
and upon child.
"This is slow! " cried Cibber: "let us show these young people
how ladies and gentlemen moved fifty years ago; dansons. "
A fiddler was caught, a beautiful slow minuet played, and a
bit of "solemn dancing" done. Certainly it was not gay, but it
must be owned it was beautiful; it was the dance of kings, the
poetry of the courtly saloon.
The retired actress, however, had friskier notions left in her:
"This is slow! " cried she, and bade the fiddler play "The Wind
that Shakes the Barley,'-an ancient jig tune; this she danced to
in a style that utterly astounded the spectators.
She showed them what fun was: her feet and her stick were
all echoes to the mad strain; out went her heel behind, and re-
turning, drove her four yards forward. She made unaccountable
XXI-759
## p. 12130 (#168) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
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slants, and cut them all over in turn if they did not jump for
it. Roars of inextinguishable laughter arose; it would have made
an oyster merry. Suddenly she stopped, and put her hands to
her side, and soon after she gave a vehement cry of pain.
The laughter ceased.
She gave another cry of such agony that they were all round
her in a moment.
"Oh! help me, ladies," screamed the poor woman, in tones as
feminine as they were heart-rending and piteous. "Oh, my back! .
my loins! I suffer, gentlemen," said the poor thing, faintly
What was to be done? Mr. Vane offered his penknife to cut
her laces.
"You shall cut my head off sooner," cried she with sudden
energy. Don't pity me," said she sadly, "I don't deserve it;"
then lifting her eyes, she exclaimed with a sad air of self-
reproach, "O vanity! do you never leave a woman? »
"Nay, madam! " whimpered the page, who was a good-hearted
girl: "'twas your great complaisance for us, not vanity.
oh! oh! " and she began to blubber to make matters better.
"No, my children," said the old lady, "'twas vanity. I wanted
to show you what an old 'oman could do; and I have humiliated
myself, trying to outshine younger folk. I am justly humiliated,
as you see;" and she began to cry a little.
"This is very painful," said Cibber.
Oh!
Mrs. Bracegirdle now raised her eyes (they had set her in a
chair), and looking sweetly, tenderly, and earnestly on her old
companion, she said to him, slowly, gently, but impressively:-
"Colley, at threescore years and ten, this was ill done of us!
You and I are here now-for what? to cheer the young up the
hill we mounted years ago. And, old friend, if we detract from
them we discourage them. A great sin in the old! Every dog
his day. We have had ours. " Here she smiled, then laying her
hand tenderly in the old man's, she added with calm solemnity:
"And now we must go quietly towards our rest, and strut and
fret no more the few last minutes of life's fleeting hour. "
How tame my cacotype of these words compared with what
they were! I am ashamed of them and myself, and the human
craft of writing, which, though commoner far, is so miserably
behind the godlike art of speech: Si ipsam audivisses!
These ink scratches, which in the imperfection of language
we have called words till the unthinking actually dream they
## p. 12131 (#169) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12131
are words, but which are the shadows of the corpses of words,
these word-shadows then were living powers on her lips, and
subdued, as eloquence always does, every heart within reach of
the imperial tongue.
The young loved her: and the old man, softened and van-
quished, and mindful of his failing life, was silent, and pressed
his handkerchief to his eyes a moment; then he said:
-
-
"No, Bracy-no. Be composed, I pray you. She is right.
Young people, forgive me that I love the dead too well, and
the days when I was what you are now. Drat the woman," con-
tinued he, half ashamed of his emotion: "she makes us laugh
and makes us cry, just as she used. "
"What does he say, young woman? " said the old lady dryly,
to Mrs. Clive.
"He says you make us laugh, and make us cry, madam; and
so you do me, I'm sure. "
"And that's Peg Woffington's notion of an actress! Better
it, Cibber and Bracegirdle, if you can," said the other, rising up
like lightning.
She then threw Colley Cibber a note, and walked coolly and
rapidly out of the room, without looking once behind her.
The rest stood transfixed, looking at one another and at the
empty chair. Then Cibber opened and read the note aloud. It
was from Mrs. Bracegirdle: "Playing at tric-trac; so can't play
the fool in your green-room to-night. - B. "
On this, a musical ringing laugh was heard from outside the
door, where the pseudo-Bracegirdle was washing the gray from
her hair and the wrinkles from her face,-ah! I wish I could
do it as easily! -and the little bit of sticking-plaster from her
front tooth.
"Why, it is the Irish jade! " roared Cibber.
"Divil a less! " rang back a rich brogue; "and it's not the
furst time we put the comether upon ye, England, my jewal! "
One more mutual glance, and then the mortal cleverness of
all this began to dawn on their minds: and they broke forth
into clapping of hands, and gave this accomplished mime three
rounds of applause; Mr. Vane and Sir Charles Pomander leading
with "Brava, Woffington! "
## p. 12132 (#170) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
EXTRACT FROM A SIXTEENTH-CENTURY LETTER
From The Cloister and the Hearth'
[Margaret has received a letter from her young husband, Gerard, who is
traveling afoot to Italy. She reads it to his father and mother, brothers and
sister. ]
___
LI
"Whisht, wife! "
Ε" "And I did sigh, loud and often.
And me sighing so,
one came caroling like a bird adown t'other road. ‘Ay,
chirp and chirp,' cried I bitterly. Thou hast not lost sweet-
heart and friend, thy father's hearth, thy mother's smile, and
every penny in the world. ' And at last he did so carol and
carol, I jumped up in ire to get away from his most jarring
mirth. But ere I fled from it, I looked down the path to see
what could make a man
man so light-hearted in this weary world;
and lo! the songster was a humpbacked cripple, with a bloody
bandage o'er his eye, and both legs gone at the knee. "
"He! he he! he he! " went Sybrandt, laughing and cack-
ling.
(
Margaret's eyes flashed; she began to fold the letter up.
"Nay, lass," said Eli, "heed him not! Thou unmannerly cur,
offer't but again and I put thee to the door. "
"Why, what was there to gibe at, Sybrandt? " remonstrated
Catherine more mildly. "Is not our Kate afflicted? and is she
not the most content of us all, and singeth like a merle at times
between her pains? But I am as bad as thou: prithee read on,
lass, and stop our gabble wi' somewhat worth the hearkening. "
"Then,' said I, 'may this thing be? ' And I took myself to
task: 'Gerard, son of Eli, dost thou well to bemoan thy lot,
that hast youth and health; and here comes the wreck of nature
on crutches, praising God's goodness with singing like a mavis ? › »
Catherine-There you see. "
Eli- "Whisht, dame, whisht! "
"And whenever he saw me, he left caroling and presently
hobbled up and chanted, Charity, for love of Heaven, sweet
master, charity;' with a whine as piteous as wind at keyhole.
'Alack, poor soul,' said I, 'charity is in my heart, but not my
purse; I am poor as thou. ' Then he believed me none, and to
melt me undid his sleeve, and showed a sore wound on his arm,
and said he, 'Poor cripple though I be, I am like to lose this
## p. 12133 (#171) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12133
eye to boot, look else. ' I saw and groaned for him, and to
excuse myself, let him wot how I had been robbed of my last
copper. Thereat he left whining all in a moment, and said in
a big manly voice, 'Then I'll e'en take a rest. Here, youngster,
pull thou this strap: nay, fear not! ' I pulled, and down came a
stout pair of legs out of his back; and half his hump had melted
away, and the wound in his eye no deeper than the bandage. "
"Oh! " ejaculated Margaret's hearers in a body.
"Whereat, seeing me astounded, he laughed in my face, and
told me I was not, worth gulling, and offered, me his protection.
My face was prophetic,' he said. 'Of what? ' said I. Marry,'
said he, 'that its owner will starve in this thievish land. ' Travel
teaches e'en the young wisdom. Time was I had turned and fled
this impostor as a pestilence; but now I listened patiently to
pick up crumbs of counsel. And well I did; for nature and his
adventurous life had crammed the poor knave with shrewdness
and knowledge of the homelier sort—a child was I beside him.
When he had turned me inside out, said he, 'Didst well to leave
France and make for Germany; but think not of Holland again.
Nay, on to Augsburg and Nürnberg, the Paradise of craftsmen;
thence to Venice, an thou wilt. But thou wilt never bide in Italy
nor any other land, having once tasted the great German cities.
Why, there is but one honest country in Europe, and that is
Germany; and since thou art honest, and since I am a vagabone,
Germany was made for us twain. ' I bade him make that good:
how might one country fit true men and knaves! Why, thou
novice,' said he, 'because in an honest land are fewer knaves
to bite the honest man, and many honest men for the knave
to bite. ' 'I was in luck, being honest, to have fallen in with a
friendly sharp. ' 'Be my pal,' said he: 'I go to Nürnberg; we
will reach it with full pouches. I'll learn ye the cul de bois, and
the cul de jatte, and how to maund, and chaunt, and patter, and
to raise swellings, and paint sores and ulcers on thy body would
take in the divell. ' I told him, shivering, I'd liefer die than
shame myself and my folk so. "
Eli-"Good lad! good lad! "
"Why, what shame was it for such as I to turn beggar ?
Beggary was an ancient and most honorable mystery. What did
holy monks, and bishops, and kings, when they would win Heav-
en's smile? why, wash the feet of beggars, those favorites of the
saints. The saints were no fools,' he told me. Then he did put
## p. 12134 (#172) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
out his foot. 'Look at that, that was washed by the greatest
king alive, Louis of France, the last holy Thursday that was.
And the next day, Friday, clapped in the stocks by the warden
of a petty hamlet. '
"So I told him my foot should walk between such high honor
and such low disgrace, on the safe path of honesty, please God.
'Well then, since I had not spirit to beg, he would indulge
my perversity. I should work under him; he be the head, I
the fingers. ' And with that he set himself up like a judge, on a
heap of dust by the road's side, and questioned me strictly what
I could do. I began to say I was strong and willing. 'Bah! '
said he, 'so is an ox. Say, what canst do that Sir Ox cannot? '
- I could write; I had won a prize for it. Canst write as fast
as the printers? ' quo' he, jeering: 'what else? '-I could paint.
'That was better. ' I was like to tear my hair to hear him say
so, and me going to Rome to write. —I could twang the psaltery
a bit. 'That was well. Could I tell stories? ' Ay, by the score.
'Then,' said he, 'I hire you from this moment. ' 'What to do? '
said I. 'Naught crooked, Sir Candor,' says he. 'I will feed thee
all the way and find thee work; and take half thine earnings, no
more. ' 'Agreed,' said I, and gave my hand on it.
"Now, servant,' said he, 'we will dine. But ye need not
stand behind my chair, for two reasons: first, I ha' got no chair;
and next, good-fellowship likes me better than state. ' And out
of his wallet he brought flesh, fowl, and pastry, a good dozen of
spices lapped in flax-paper, and wine fit for a king. Ne'er
feasted I better than out of this beggar's wallet, now my master.
When we had well eaten I was for going on. 'But,' said he,
'servants should not drive their masters too hard, especially after
feeding, for then the body is for repose and the mind turns to
contemplation; and he lay on his back gazing calmly at the
sky, and presently wondered whether there were any beggars up
there. I told him I knew but of one, called Lazarus. Could
he do the cul de jatte better than I? ' said he, and looked quite
jealous like. I told him nay; Lazarus was honest, though a
beggar, and fed daily of the crumbs fal'n from a rich man's
table, and the dogs licked his sores. 'Servant,' quo' he, 'I spy
a foul fault in thee. Thou liest without discretion; now, the
end of lying being to gull, this is no better than fumbling with
the divell's tail. I pray Heaven thou mayst prove to paint bet-
ter than thou cuttest whids, or I am done out of a dinner.
No
## p. 12135 (#173) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12135
beggar eats crumbs, but only the fat of the land; and dogs lick
not a beggar's sores, being made with spearwort, or ratsbane, or
biting acids, from all which dogs, and even pigs, abhor. My
sores are made after my proper receipt; but no dog would lick
e'en them twice. I have made a scurvy bargain: art a cozening
knave, I doubt, as well as a nincompoop. ' I deigned no reply
to this bundle of lies, which did accuse heavenly truth of false-
hood for not being in a tale with him.
"He rose and we took the road; and presently we came
to a place where were two little wayside inns, scarce a furlong
apart. 'Halt,' said my master. 'Their armories are sore faded -
all the better. Go thou in; shun the master; board the wife;
and flatter her inn sky-high, all but the armories, and offer to
color them dirt cheap. ' So I went in and told the wife I was a
painter, and would revive her armories cheap; but she sent me.
away with a rebuff. I to my master. He groaned. 'Ye are all
fingers and no tongue,' said he: 'I have made a scurvy bargain.
Come and hear me patter and flatter. ' Between the two inns
was a high hedge. He goes behind it a minute and comes out
a decent tradesman. We went on to the other inn, and then I
heard him praise it so fulsome as the very wife did blush.
'But,'
says he, 'there is one little, little fault: your armories are dull
and faded. Say but the word, and for a silver franc my ap-
prentice here, the cunningest e'er I had, shall make them bright
as ever. Whilst she hesitated, the rogue told her he had done.
it to a little inn hard by, and now the inn's face was like the
starry firmament. 'D'ye hear that, my man? ' cries she: The
Three Frogs have been and painted up their armories.
Shall
The Four Hedgehogs be outshone by them? So I painted, and
my master stood by like a lord, advising me how to do, and wink-
ing to me to heed him none, and I got a silver franc. And he
took me back to The Three Frogs, and on the way put me on a
beard and disguised me, and flattered The Three Frogs, and told
them how he had adorned The Four Hedgehogs, and into the
net jumped the three. poor simple frogs, and I earned another
silver franc. Then we went on and he found his crutches, and
sent me forward, and showed his cicatrices d'emprunt, as he called
them, and all his infirmities, at The Four Hedgehogs, and got
both food and money.
―
"Come, share and share,' quoth he: so I gave him one franc.
'I have made a good bargain,' said he. 'Art a master limner,
## p. 12136 (#174) ##########################################
12136
CHARLES READE
<
but takest too much time. ' So I let him know that in mat-
ters of honest craft things could not be done quick and well.
Then do them quick,' quoth he. And he told me my name
was Bon Bec; and I might call him Cul de Jatte, because that
was his lay at our first meeting. And at the next town my
master Cul de Jatte bought me a psaltery, and sat himself up
again by the roadside in state like him that erst judged Mar-
syas and Apollo, piping for vain glory. So I played a strain.
'Indifferent well, harmonious Bon Bec,' said he haughtily. 'Now
tune thy pipes. ' So I did sing a sweet strain the good monks
taught me; and singing it reminded poor Bon Bec, Gerard erst,
of his young days and home, and brought the water to my
e'en. But looking up, my master's visage was as the face of a
little boy whipt soundly, or sipping foulest medicine. 'Zounds,
stop that belly-ache blether,' quoth he: 'that will ne'er wile a
stiver out o' peasants' purses; 'twill but sour the nurses' milk,
and gar the kine jump into rivers to be out of earshot on't.
What, false knave, did I buy thee a fine new psaltery to be
minded o' my latter end withal? Hearken! these be the songs
that glad the heart and fill the minstrel's purse. ' And he sung
so blasphemous a stave, and eke so obscene, as I drew away from
him a space that the lightning might not spoil the new psaltery.
However, none came, being winter; and then I said, 'Master, the
Lord is debonair. Held I the thunder, yon ribaldry had been thy
last, thou foul-mouthed wretch. '
"Why, Bon Bec, what is to do? ' quoth he. 'I have made an
ill bargain. O perverse heart, that turneth from doctrine. ' So I
bade him keep his breath to cool his broth: ne'er would I shame
my folk with singing ribald songs.
"Then I to him, 'Take now thy psaltery, and part we here;
for art a walking prison, a walking hell. ' But lo! my master fell
on his knees, and begged me for pity's sake not to turn him off.
What would become of him? He did so love honesty. ' 'Thou
love honesty? ' said I. 'Ay,' said he: 'not to enact it; the saints
forbid: but to look on. 'Tis so fair a thing to look on. Alas,
good Bon Bec,' said he; 'hadst starved peradventure but for me.
Kick not down thy ladder! Call ye that just? Nay, calm thy
choler! Have pity on me! I must have a pal: and how could I
bear one like myself after one so simple as thou? He might cut
my throat for the money that is hid in my belt. 'Tis not much;
'tis not much. With thee I walk at mine ease;
with a sharp I
·
## p. 12137 (#175) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12137
Now I
dare not go before in a narrow way. Alas! forgive me.
know where in thy bonnet lurks the bee, I will 'ware his sting;
I will but pluck the secular goose. ' 'So be it,' said I. 'And
example was contagious: he should be a true man by then we
reached Nürnberg. 'Twas a long way to Nürnberg. ' Seeing
him so humble, I said, 'Well, doff rags, and make thyself decent:
'twill help me forget what thou art. ' And he did so; and we sat
down to our nonemete.
"Presently came by a reverend palmer with hat stuck round.
with cockle-shells from Holy Land, and great rosary of beads.
like eggs of teal, and sandals for shoes. And he leaned aweary
on his long staff, and offered us a shell apiece. My master
would none. But I, to set him a better example, took one, and
for it gave the poor pilgrim two batzen, and had his blessing.
And he was scarce gone when we heard savage cries, and came
a sorry sight,-one leading a wild woman in a chain, all rags,
and howling like a wolf. And when they came nigh us, she fell
to tearing her rags to threads. The man sought an alms of us,
and told us his hard case. 'Twas his wife stark raving mad;
and he could not work in the fields, and leave her in his house
to fire it, nor cure her could he without the saintys help, and
had vowed six pounds of wax to St. Anthony to heal her, and
so was fain beg of charitable folk for the money. And now she
espied us, and flew at me with her long nails, and I was cold
with fear, so devilish showed her face and rolling eyes and nails
like birdys talons. But he with the chain checked her sudden,
and with his whip did cruelly lash her for it, that I cried, "For-
bear! forbear! She knoweth not what she doth;' and gave him
a batz.
"And being gone, said I, 'Master, of those twain I know not
which is the more pitiable. ' And he laughed in my face. 'Be-
hold thy justice, Bon Bec,' said he.
"Thou railest on thy poor,
good, within-an-ace-of-honest master, and bestowest alms on a
vopper. »>
'Vopper! ' said I: 'what is a vopper? ' 'Why,
«<
a trull that feigns madness. That was one of us, that sham
maniac, and wow but she did it clumsily. , I blushed for her
and thee. Also gavest two batzen for a shell from Holy Land,
that came no farther than Normandy. I have culled them myself
on that coast by scores, and sold them to pilgrims true and
pilgrims false, to gull flats like thee withal. ' 'What! ' said I:
'that reverend man? ' 'One of us! ' cried Cul de Jatte; 'one
## p. 12138 (#176) ##########################################
12138
CHARLES READE
of us! In France we call them "Coquillarts,"
» but here "Cal-
mierers. " Railest on me for selling a false relic now and then,
and wastest thy earnings on such as sell naught else. I tell
thee, Bon Bec,' said he, 'there is not one true relic on earth's
face.
The saints died a thousand years agone, and their bones
mixed with the dust: but the trade in relics, it is of yesterday;
and there are forty thousand tramps in Europe live by it, sell-
ing relics of forty or fifty bodies: oh, threadbare lie! And of the
true Cross enow to build Cologne Minster. Why then may not
poor Cul de Jatte turn his penny with the crowd? Art but a
scurvy tyrannical servant to let thy poor master from his share
of the swag with your whorson pilgrims, palmers, and friars,
black, gray, and crutched; for all these are of our brotherhood
and of our art,-only masters they, and we but poor appren-
tices, in guild. ' For his tongue was an ell and a half.
"A truce to thy irreverend sophistries,' said I, 'and say what
company is this a-coming. ' 'Bohemians,' cried he. 'Ay, ay,
this shall be the rest of the band. ' With that came along so mot-
ley a crew as never your eyes beheld, dear Margaret. Marched
at their head one with a banner on a steel-pointed lance, and
girded with a great long sword, and in velvet doublet and leath-
ern jerkin, the which stuffs ne'er saw I wedded afore on mortal
flesh, and a gay feather in his lordly cap, and a couple of dead
fowls at his back,- the which an the spark had come by hon-
estly, I am much mistook. Him followed wives and babes on
two lean horses, whose flanks still rattled like parchment drum,
being beaten by kettles and caldrons. Next an armed man
a-riding of a horse, which drew a cart full of females and child-
ren: and in it, sitting backwards, a lusty, lazy knave, lance in
hand, with his luxurious feet raised on a holy-water pail that
lay along; and therein a cat, new kittened, sat glowing o'er her
brood, and sparks for eyes. And the cart-horse cavalier had on
his shoulders a round bundle; and thereon did perch a cock and
crowed with zeal, poor ruffler, proud of his brave feathers as the
rest, and haply with more reason, being his own. And on an
ass another wife and new-born child; and one poor quean afoot
scarce dragged herself along, so near her time was she, yet held
two little ones by the hand, and helplessly helped them on the
road. And the little folk were just a farce: some rode sticks
with horses' heads between their legs, which pranced and cara-
coled, and soon wearied the riders so sore they stood stock-still
-
## p. 12139 (#177) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12139
and wept, which cavaliers were presently taken into cart and
cuffed. And one, more grave, lost in a man's hat and feather,
walked in Egyptian darkness, handed by a girl; another had the
great saucepan on his back, and a tremendous three-footed clay
pot sat on his head and shoulders, swallowing him so as he too
went darkling, led by his sweetheart three foot high. When
they were gone by, and we had both laughed lustily, said I,
'Natheless, master, my bowels they yearn for one of that tawdry
band; even for the poor wife so near the down-lying, scarce able
to drag herself, yet still, poor soul, helping the weaker on the
way. '»
Why, wench, pluck up
Kate-"Nay, mother, 'tis not that, I trow, but her father.
And dear heart, why take notice to put her to the blush? ”
Richart-"So I say. "
"And he derided me.
Catherine-"Nay, nay, Margaret.
heart. Certes thou art no Bohemian. ”
'Why, that is a "biltreger," said he,
'and you waste your bowels on a pillow,' or so forth. I told
him he lied. Time would show,' said he: 'wait till they camp. '
And rising after meat and meditation, and traveling forward,
we found them camped between two great trees on a common
by the wayside; and they had lighted a great fire, and on it was
their caldron; and one of the trees slanting o'er the fire, a kid
hung down by a chain from the tree-fork to the fire, and in
the fork was wedged an urchin turning still the chain to keep
the meat from burning, and a gay spark with a feather in his
cap cut up a sheep; and another had spitted a leg of it on a
wooden stake; and a woman ended chanticleer's pride with wring-
ing of his neck.
"And under the other tree four rufflers played at cards and
quarreled, and no word sans oath; and of these lewd gamblers
one had cockles in his hat and was my reverend pilgrim. And a
female, young and comely and dressed like a butterfly, sat and
mended a heap of dirty rags. And Cul de Jatte said, 'Yon is
the "vopper "'; and I looked incredulous, and looked again, and it
was so and at her feet sat he that had so late lashed her- but
I ween he had wist where to strike, or woe betide him; and she
did now oppress him sore, and made him thread her very needle,
the which he did with all humility: so was their comedy turned
seamy side without; and Cul de Jatte told me 'twas still so with
«< voppers" and their men in camp: they would don their bravery
## p. 12140 (#178) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12140
though but for an hour, and with their tinsel, empire; and the
man durst not the least gainsay the 'vopper,' or she would turn
him off at these times, as I my master, and take another tyrant
more submissive. And my master chuckled over me.
-
"Natheless we soon espied a wife set with her back against
the tree, and her hair down, and her face white; and by her side.
a wench held up to her eye a new-born babe, with words of
cheer; and the rough fellow, her husband, did bring her hot
wine in a cup, and bade her take courage. And just o'er the
place she sat, they had pinned from bough to bough of those
neighboring trees two shawls, and blankets two, together, to keep
the drizzle off her. And so had another poor little rogue come
into the world: and by her own particular folk tended gipsywise;
but of the roasters and boilers, and voppers and gamblers, no
more noticed -
no, not for a single moment - than sheep which
droppeth her lamb in a field, by travelers upon the way. Then
said I, 'What of thy foul suspicions, master? over-knavery blinds
the eye as well as over-simplicity. ' And he laughed and said,
Triumph, Bon Bec, triumph. The chances were nine in ten
against thee. ' Then I did pity her, to be in a crowd at such a
time; but he rebuked me:-'I should pity rather your queens
and royal duchesses, which by law are condemned to groan in
a crowd of nobles and courtiers, and do writhe with shame as
well as sorrow, being come of decent mothers; whereas these
gipsy women have no more shame under their skins than a
wolf ruth, or a hare valor. And, Bon Bec,' quoth he, 'I espy in
thee a lamentable fault. Wastest thy bowels. Wilt have none
left for thy poor good master which doeth thy will by night and
day. '
"Then we came forward; and he talked with the men in some
strange Hebrew cant whereof no word knew I; and the poor
knaves bade us welcome and denied us naught. With them, and
all they had, 'twas lightly come and lightly go; and when we left
them my master said to me, 'This is thy first lesson, but to-night
we shall lie at Hansburg. Come with me to the "rotboss" there,
and I'll show thee all our folk and their lays; and especially the
"lossners," the "dutzers," the "schleppers," the "gickisses," the
"schwanfelders" (whom in England we call "shivering Jem-
mies"), the "süntvegers," the "schwiegers," the "joners," the
"sessel-degers," the "gennscherers" (in France "marcandiers" or
"rifodés "), the "veranerins," the "stabulers," with a few foreigners
## p. 12141 (#179) ##########################################
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like ourselves, such as "pietres," "francmitoux," "polissons,"
"malingreux," "traters," "rufflers," "whipjalks," "dommerars,"
"glymmerars," "jarkmen," "patricos," "swadders," "autem morts,"
"walking morts » › 'Enow,' cried I, stopping him: 'art as
gleesome as the Evil One a-counting of his imps. I'll jot down
in my tablet all these caitiffs and their accursed names; for
knowledge is knowledge. But go among them, alive or dead,
that will I not with my good will. Moreover,' said I, 'what need,
since I have a companion in thee who is all the knaves on
earth in one? ' and thought to abash him; but his face shone.
with pride, and hand on breast he did bow low to me.
"If thy
wit be scant, good Bon Bec, thy manners are a charm.
made a good bargain. '
I have
"So he to the 'rotboss': and I to a decent inn, and sketched
the landlord's daughter by candlelight, and started at morn batzen
three the richer, but could not find my master; so loitered slowly
on, and presently met him coming west for me, and cursing the
quiens. Why so? Because he could blind the culls but not the
quiens. At last I prevailed on him to leave cursing and canting,
and tell me his adventure.
"Said he, I sat outside the gate of yon monastery, full of
sores, which I showed the passers-by. O Bon Bec, beautifuller
sores you never saw; and it rained coppers in my hat. Pres-
ently the monks came home from some procession, and the con-
vent dogs ran out to meet them, curse the quiens! ' 'What,
did they fall on thee and bite thee, poor soul? ' 'Worse, worse,
dear Bon Bec. Had they bitten me I had earned silver. But
the great idiots-being, as I think, puppies, or little better-
fell on me where I sat, downed me, and fell a-licking my sores
among them.
As thou, false knave, didst swear the whelps in
heaven licked the sores of Lazybones, a beggar of old. ' 'Nay,
nay,' said I, 'I said no such thing. But tell me, since they bit
thee not, but sportfully licked thee, what harm? '—'What harm,
noodle? why, the sores came off. '-'How could that be? ' —
'How could aught else be, and them just fresh put on? Did I
think he was so weak as bite holes in his flesh with ratsbane?
Nay, he was an artist, a painter like his servant; and had put on
sores made of pig's blood, rye meal, and glue. '-'So when the
folk saw my sores go on tongues of puppies, they laughed, and
I saw cord or sack before me. So up I jumped, and shouted,
"A miracle! a miracle! The very dogs of this holy convent be
## p. 12142 (#180) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
holy, and have cured me. Good fathers," cried I, "whose day
is this? " "St. Isidore's," said one. "St. Isidore! " cried I, in a
sort of rapture. "Why, St. Isidore is my patron saint; so that
accounts. " And the simple folk swallowed my miracle as those
accursed quiens my wounds. But the monks took me inside and
shut the gate, and put their heads together: but I have a quick
ear,
and one did say "Caret miraculo monasterium"; which is
Greek patter, I trow-leastways it is no beggar's cant. Finally
they bade the lay brethren give me a hiding, and take me out
a back way and put me on the road; and threatened me did I
come back to the town to hand me to the magistrate and have
me drowned for a plain impostor. "Profit now by the Church's
grace," said they, "and mend thy ways. " So forward, Bon Bec,
for my life is not sure nigh hand this town. '
"As we went he worked his shoulders. 'Wow, but the breth-
ren laid on! And what means yon piece of monk's cant, I
wonder? ' So I told him the words meant 'The monastery is in
want of a miracle,' but the application thereof was dark to me.
'Dark! ' cried he: 'dark as noon. Why, it means they are going
to work the miracle, my miracle, and gather all the grain I
sowed. Therefore these blows on their benefactor's shoulders;
therefore is he that wrought their scurvy miracle driven forth
with stripes and threats. Oh, cozening knaves!
Cibber handed his cane with pomp to a small actor. Brace-
girdle did the same; and striking the attitudes that had passed
for heroic in their day, they declaimed out of the 'Rival Queens'
two or three tirades, which I graciously spare the reader of this
tale. Their elocution was neat and silvery; but not one bit like
the way people speak in streets, palaces, fields, roads, and rooms.
They had not made the grand discovery, which Mr. A. Wigan on
the stage, and every man of sense off it, has made in our day
and nation: namely, that the stage is a representation not of
stage, but of life; and that an actor ought to speak and act in
imitation of human beings, not of speaking machines that have
run and creaked in a stage groove, with their eyes shut upon the
world at large, upon nature, upon truth, upon man, upon woman,
and upon child.
"This is slow! " cried Cibber: "let us show these young people
how ladies and gentlemen moved fifty years ago; dansons. "
A fiddler was caught, a beautiful slow minuet played, and a
bit of "solemn dancing" done. Certainly it was not gay, but it
must be owned it was beautiful; it was the dance of kings, the
poetry of the courtly saloon.
The retired actress, however, had friskier notions left in her:
"This is slow! " cried she, and bade the fiddler play "The Wind
that Shakes the Barley,'-an ancient jig tune; this she danced to
in a style that utterly astounded the spectators.
She showed them what fun was: her feet and her stick were
all echoes to the mad strain; out went her heel behind, and re-
turning, drove her four yards forward. She made unaccountable
XXI-759
## p. 12130 (#168) ##########################################
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slants, and cut them all over in turn if they did not jump for
it. Roars of inextinguishable laughter arose; it would have made
an oyster merry. Suddenly she stopped, and put her hands to
her side, and soon after she gave a vehement cry of pain.
The laughter ceased.
She gave another cry of such agony that they were all round
her in a moment.
"Oh! help me, ladies," screamed the poor woman, in tones as
feminine as they were heart-rending and piteous. "Oh, my back! .
my loins! I suffer, gentlemen," said the poor thing, faintly
What was to be done? Mr. Vane offered his penknife to cut
her laces.
"You shall cut my head off sooner," cried she with sudden
energy. Don't pity me," said she sadly, "I don't deserve it;"
then lifting her eyes, she exclaimed with a sad air of self-
reproach, "O vanity! do you never leave a woman? »
"Nay, madam! " whimpered the page, who was a good-hearted
girl: "'twas your great complaisance for us, not vanity.
oh! oh! " and she began to blubber to make matters better.
"No, my children," said the old lady, "'twas vanity. I wanted
to show you what an old 'oman could do; and I have humiliated
myself, trying to outshine younger folk. I am justly humiliated,
as you see;" and she began to cry a little.
"This is very painful," said Cibber.
Oh!
Mrs. Bracegirdle now raised her eyes (they had set her in a
chair), and looking sweetly, tenderly, and earnestly on her old
companion, she said to him, slowly, gently, but impressively:-
"Colley, at threescore years and ten, this was ill done of us!
You and I are here now-for what? to cheer the young up the
hill we mounted years ago. And, old friend, if we detract from
them we discourage them. A great sin in the old! Every dog
his day. We have had ours. " Here she smiled, then laying her
hand tenderly in the old man's, she added with calm solemnity:
"And now we must go quietly towards our rest, and strut and
fret no more the few last minutes of life's fleeting hour. "
How tame my cacotype of these words compared with what
they were! I am ashamed of them and myself, and the human
craft of writing, which, though commoner far, is so miserably
behind the godlike art of speech: Si ipsam audivisses!
These ink scratches, which in the imperfection of language
we have called words till the unthinking actually dream they
## p. 12131 (#169) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12131
are words, but which are the shadows of the corpses of words,
these word-shadows then were living powers on her lips, and
subdued, as eloquence always does, every heart within reach of
the imperial tongue.
The young loved her: and the old man, softened and van-
quished, and mindful of his failing life, was silent, and pressed
his handkerchief to his eyes a moment; then he said:
-
-
"No, Bracy-no. Be composed, I pray you. She is right.
Young people, forgive me that I love the dead too well, and
the days when I was what you are now. Drat the woman," con-
tinued he, half ashamed of his emotion: "she makes us laugh
and makes us cry, just as she used. "
"What does he say, young woman? " said the old lady dryly,
to Mrs. Clive.
"He says you make us laugh, and make us cry, madam; and
so you do me, I'm sure. "
"And that's Peg Woffington's notion of an actress! Better
it, Cibber and Bracegirdle, if you can," said the other, rising up
like lightning.
She then threw Colley Cibber a note, and walked coolly and
rapidly out of the room, without looking once behind her.
The rest stood transfixed, looking at one another and at the
empty chair. Then Cibber opened and read the note aloud. It
was from Mrs. Bracegirdle: "Playing at tric-trac; so can't play
the fool in your green-room to-night. - B. "
On this, a musical ringing laugh was heard from outside the
door, where the pseudo-Bracegirdle was washing the gray from
her hair and the wrinkles from her face,-ah! I wish I could
do it as easily! -and the little bit of sticking-plaster from her
front tooth.
"Why, it is the Irish jade! " roared Cibber.
"Divil a less! " rang back a rich brogue; "and it's not the
furst time we put the comether upon ye, England, my jewal! "
One more mutual glance, and then the mortal cleverness of
all this began to dawn on their minds: and they broke forth
into clapping of hands, and gave this accomplished mime three
rounds of applause; Mr. Vane and Sir Charles Pomander leading
with "Brava, Woffington! "
## p. 12132 (#170) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
EXTRACT FROM A SIXTEENTH-CENTURY LETTER
From The Cloister and the Hearth'
[Margaret has received a letter from her young husband, Gerard, who is
traveling afoot to Italy. She reads it to his father and mother, brothers and
sister. ]
___
LI
"Whisht, wife! "
Ε" "And I did sigh, loud and often.
And me sighing so,
one came caroling like a bird adown t'other road. ‘Ay,
chirp and chirp,' cried I bitterly. Thou hast not lost sweet-
heart and friend, thy father's hearth, thy mother's smile, and
every penny in the world. ' And at last he did so carol and
carol, I jumped up in ire to get away from his most jarring
mirth. But ere I fled from it, I looked down the path to see
what could make a man
man so light-hearted in this weary world;
and lo! the songster was a humpbacked cripple, with a bloody
bandage o'er his eye, and both legs gone at the knee. "
"He! he he! he he! " went Sybrandt, laughing and cack-
ling.
(
Margaret's eyes flashed; she began to fold the letter up.
"Nay, lass," said Eli, "heed him not! Thou unmannerly cur,
offer't but again and I put thee to the door. "
"Why, what was there to gibe at, Sybrandt? " remonstrated
Catherine more mildly. "Is not our Kate afflicted? and is she
not the most content of us all, and singeth like a merle at times
between her pains? But I am as bad as thou: prithee read on,
lass, and stop our gabble wi' somewhat worth the hearkening. "
"Then,' said I, 'may this thing be? ' And I took myself to
task: 'Gerard, son of Eli, dost thou well to bemoan thy lot,
that hast youth and health; and here comes the wreck of nature
on crutches, praising God's goodness with singing like a mavis ? › »
Catherine-There you see. "
Eli- "Whisht, dame, whisht! "
"And whenever he saw me, he left caroling and presently
hobbled up and chanted, Charity, for love of Heaven, sweet
master, charity;' with a whine as piteous as wind at keyhole.
'Alack, poor soul,' said I, 'charity is in my heart, but not my
purse; I am poor as thou. ' Then he believed me none, and to
melt me undid his sleeve, and showed a sore wound on his arm,
and said he, 'Poor cripple though I be, I am like to lose this
## p. 12133 (#171) ##########################################
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12133
eye to boot, look else. ' I saw and groaned for him, and to
excuse myself, let him wot how I had been robbed of my last
copper. Thereat he left whining all in a moment, and said in
a big manly voice, 'Then I'll e'en take a rest. Here, youngster,
pull thou this strap: nay, fear not! ' I pulled, and down came a
stout pair of legs out of his back; and half his hump had melted
away, and the wound in his eye no deeper than the bandage. "
"Oh! " ejaculated Margaret's hearers in a body.
"Whereat, seeing me astounded, he laughed in my face, and
told me I was not, worth gulling, and offered, me his protection.
My face was prophetic,' he said. 'Of what? ' said I. Marry,'
said he, 'that its owner will starve in this thievish land. ' Travel
teaches e'en the young wisdom. Time was I had turned and fled
this impostor as a pestilence; but now I listened patiently to
pick up crumbs of counsel. And well I did; for nature and his
adventurous life had crammed the poor knave with shrewdness
and knowledge of the homelier sort—a child was I beside him.
When he had turned me inside out, said he, 'Didst well to leave
France and make for Germany; but think not of Holland again.
Nay, on to Augsburg and Nürnberg, the Paradise of craftsmen;
thence to Venice, an thou wilt. But thou wilt never bide in Italy
nor any other land, having once tasted the great German cities.
Why, there is but one honest country in Europe, and that is
Germany; and since thou art honest, and since I am a vagabone,
Germany was made for us twain. ' I bade him make that good:
how might one country fit true men and knaves! Why, thou
novice,' said he, 'because in an honest land are fewer knaves
to bite the honest man, and many honest men for the knave
to bite. ' 'I was in luck, being honest, to have fallen in with a
friendly sharp. ' 'Be my pal,' said he: 'I go to Nürnberg; we
will reach it with full pouches. I'll learn ye the cul de bois, and
the cul de jatte, and how to maund, and chaunt, and patter, and
to raise swellings, and paint sores and ulcers on thy body would
take in the divell. ' I told him, shivering, I'd liefer die than
shame myself and my folk so. "
Eli-"Good lad! good lad! "
"Why, what shame was it for such as I to turn beggar ?
Beggary was an ancient and most honorable mystery. What did
holy monks, and bishops, and kings, when they would win Heav-
en's smile? why, wash the feet of beggars, those favorites of the
saints. The saints were no fools,' he told me. Then he did put
## p. 12134 (#172) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
out his foot. 'Look at that, that was washed by the greatest
king alive, Louis of France, the last holy Thursday that was.
And the next day, Friday, clapped in the stocks by the warden
of a petty hamlet. '
"So I told him my foot should walk between such high honor
and such low disgrace, on the safe path of honesty, please God.
'Well then, since I had not spirit to beg, he would indulge
my perversity. I should work under him; he be the head, I
the fingers. ' And with that he set himself up like a judge, on a
heap of dust by the road's side, and questioned me strictly what
I could do. I began to say I was strong and willing. 'Bah! '
said he, 'so is an ox. Say, what canst do that Sir Ox cannot? '
- I could write; I had won a prize for it. Canst write as fast
as the printers? ' quo' he, jeering: 'what else? '-I could paint.
'That was better. ' I was like to tear my hair to hear him say
so, and me going to Rome to write. —I could twang the psaltery
a bit. 'That was well. Could I tell stories? ' Ay, by the score.
'Then,' said he, 'I hire you from this moment. ' 'What to do? '
said I. 'Naught crooked, Sir Candor,' says he. 'I will feed thee
all the way and find thee work; and take half thine earnings, no
more. ' 'Agreed,' said I, and gave my hand on it.
"Now, servant,' said he, 'we will dine. But ye need not
stand behind my chair, for two reasons: first, I ha' got no chair;
and next, good-fellowship likes me better than state. ' And out
of his wallet he brought flesh, fowl, and pastry, a good dozen of
spices lapped in flax-paper, and wine fit for a king. Ne'er
feasted I better than out of this beggar's wallet, now my master.
When we had well eaten I was for going on. 'But,' said he,
'servants should not drive their masters too hard, especially after
feeding, for then the body is for repose and the mind turns to
contemplation; and he lay on his back gazing calmly at the
sky, and presently wondered whether there were any beggars up
there. I told him I knew but of one, called Lazarus. Could
he do the cul de jatte better than I? ' said he, and looked quite
jealous like. I told him nay; Lazarus was honest, though a
beggar, and fed daily of the crumbs fal'n from a rich man's
table, and the dogs licked his sores. 'Servant,' quo' he, 'I spy
a foul fault in thee. Thou liest without discretion; now, the
end of lying being to gull, this is no better than fumbling with
the divell's tail. I pray Heaven thou mayst prove to paint bet-
ter than thou cuttest whids, or I am done out of a dinner.
No
## p. 12135 (#173) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12135
beggar eats crumbs, but only the fat of the land; and dogs lick
not a beggar's sores, being made with spearwort, or ratsbane, or
biting acids, from all which dogs, and even pigs, abhor. My
sores are made after my proper receipt; but no dog would lick
e'en them twice. I have made a scurvy bargain: art a cozening
knave, I doubt, as well as a nincompoop. ' I deigned no reply
to this bundle of lies, which did accuse heavenly truth of false-
hood for not being in a tale with him.
"He rose and we took the road; and presently we came
to a place where were two little wayside inns, scarce a furlong
apart. 'Halt,' said my master. 'Their armories are sore faded -
all the better. Go thou in; shun the master; board the wife;
and flatter her inn sky-high, all but the armories, and offer to
color them dirt cheap. ' So I went in and told the wife I was a
painter, and would revive her armories cheap; but she sent me.
away with a rebuff. I to my master. He groaned. 'Ye are all
fingers and no tongue,' said he: 'I have made a scurvy bargain.
Come and hear me patter and flatter. ' Between the two inns
was a high hedge. He goes behind it a minute and comes out
a decent tradesman. We went on to the other inn, and then I
heard him praise it so fulsome as the very wife did blush.
'But,'
says he, 'there is one little, little fault: your armories are dull
and faded. Say but the word, and for a silver franc my ap-
prentice here, the cunningest e'er I had, shall make them bright
as ever. Whilst she hesitated, the rogue told her he had done.
it to a little inn hard by, and now the inn's face was like the
starry firmament. 'D'ye hear that, my man? ' cries she: The
Three Frogs have been and painted up their armories.
Shall
The Four Hedgehogs be outshone by them? So I painted, and
my master stood by like a lord, advising me how to do, and wink-
ing to me to heed him none, and I got a silver franc. And he
took me back to The Three Frogs, and on the way put me on a
beard and disguised me, and flattered The Three Frogs, and told
them how he had adorned The Four Hedgehogs, and into the
net jumped the three. poor simple frogs, and I earned another
silver franc. Then we went on and he found his crutches, and
sent me forward, and showed his cicatrices d'emprunt, as he called
them, and all his infirmities, at The Four Hedgehogs, and got
both food and money.
―
"Come, share and share,' quoth he: so I gave him one franc.
'I have made a good bargain,' said he. 'Art a master limner,
## p. 12136 (#174) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
<
but takest too much time. ' So I let him know that in mat-
ters of honest craft things could not be done quick and well.
Then do them quick,' quoth he. And he told me my name
was Bon Bec; and I might call him Cul de Jatte, because that
was his lay at our first meeting. And at the next town my
master Cul de Jatte bought me a psaltery, and sat himself up
again by the roadside in state like him that erst judged Mar-
syas and Apollo, piping for vain glory. So I played a strain.
'Indifferent well, harmonious Bon Bec,' said he haughtily. 'Now
tune thy pipes. ' So I did sing a sweet strain the good monks
taught me; and singing it reminded poor Bon Bec, Gerard erst,
of his young days and home, and brought the water to my
e'en. But looking up, my master's visage was as the face of a
little boy whipt soundly, or sipping foulest medicine. 'Zounds,
stop that belly-ache blether,' quoth he: 'that will ne'er wile a
stiver out o' peasants' purses; 'twill but sour the nurses' milk,
and gar the kine jump into rivers to be out of earshot on't.
What, false knave, did I buy thee a fine new psaltery to be
minded o' my latter end withal? Hearken! these be the songs
that glad the heart and fill the minstrel's purse. ' And he sung
so blasphemous a stave, and eke so obscene, as I drew away from
him a space that the lightning might not spoil the new psaltery.
However, none came, being winter; and then I said, 'Master, the
Lord is debonair. Held I the thunder, yon ribaldry had been thy
last, thou foul-mouthed wretch. '
"Why, Bon Bec, what is to do? ' quoth he. 'I have made an
ill bargain. O perverse heart, that turneth from doctrine. ' So I
bade him keep his breath to cool his broth: ne'er would I shame
my folk with singing ribald songs.
"Then I to him, 'Take now thy psaltery, and part we here;
for art a walking prison, a walking hell. ' But lo! my master fell
on his knees, and begged me for pity's sake not to turn him off.
What would become of him? He did so love honesty. ' 'Thou
love honesty? ' said I. 'Ay,' said he: 'not to enact it; the saints
forbid: but to look on. 'Tis so fair a thing to look on. Alas,
good Bon Bec,' said he; 'hadst starved peradventure but for me.
Kick not down thy ladder! Call ye that just? Nay, calm thy
choler! Have pity on me! I must have a pal: and how could I
bear one like myself after one so simple as thou? He might cut
my throat for the money that is hid in my belt. 'Tis not much;
'tis not much. With thee I walk at mine ease;
with a sharp I
·
## p. 12137 (#175) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12137
Now I
dare not go before in a narrow way. Alas! forgive me.
know where in thy bonnet lurks the bee, I will 'ware his sting;
I will but pluck the secular goose. ' 'So be it,' said I. 'And
example was contagious: he should be a true man by then we
reached Nürnberg. 'Twas a long way to Nürnberg. ' Seeing
him so humble, I said, 'Well, doff rags, and make thyself decent:
'twill help me forget what thou art. ' And he did so; and we sat
down to our nonemete.
"Presently came by a reverend palmer with hat stuck round.
with cockle-shells from Holy Land, and great rosary of beads.
like eggs of teal, and sandals for shoes. And he leaned aweary
on his long staff, and offered us a shell apiece. My master
would none. But I, to set him a better example, took one, and
for it gave the poor pilgrim two batzen, and had his blessing.
And he was scarce gone when we heard savage cries, and came
a sorry sight,-one leading a wild woman in a chain, all rags,
and howling like a wolf. And when they came nigh us, she fell
to tearing her rags to threads. The man sought an alms of us,
and told us his hard case. 'Twas his wife stark raving mad;
and he could not work in the fields, and leave her in his house
to fire it, nor cure her could he without the saintys help, and
had vowed six pounds of wax to St. Anthony to heal her, and
so was fain beg of charitable folk for the money. And now she
espied us, and flew at me with her long nails, and I was cold
with fear, so devilish showed her face and rolling eyes and nails
like birdys talons. But he with the chain checked her sudden,
and with his whip did cruelly lash her for it, that I cried, "For-
bear! forbear! She knoweth not what she doth;' and gave him
a batz.
"And being gone, said I, 'Master, of those twain I know not
which is the more pitiable. ' And he laughed in my face. 'Be-
hold thy justice, Bon Bec,' said he.
"Thou railest on thy poor,
good, within-an-ace-of-honest master, and bestowest alms on a
vopper. »>
'Vopper! ' said I: 'what is a vopper? ' 'Why,
«<
a trull that feigns madness. That was one of us, that sham
maniac, and wow but she did it clumsily. , I blushed for her
and thee. Also gavest two batzen for a shell from Holy Land,
that came no farther than Normandy. I have culled them myself
on that coast by scores, and sold them to pilgrims true and
pilgrims false, to gull flats like thee withal. ' 'What! ' said I:
'that reverend man? ' 'One of us! ' cried Cul de Jatte; 'one
## p. 12138 (#176) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
of us! In France we call them "Coquillarts,"
» but here "Cal-
mierers. " Railest on me for selling a false relic now and then,
and wastest thy earnings on such as sell naught else. I tell
thee, Bon Bec,' said he, 'there is not one true relic on earth's
face.
The saints died a thousand years agone, and their bones
mixed with the dust: but the trade in relics, it is of yesterday;
and there are forty thousand tramps in Europe live by it, sell-
ing relics of forty or fifty bodies: oh, threadbare lie! And of the
true Cross enow to build Cologne Minster. Why then may not
poor Cul de Jatte turn his penny with the crowd? Art but a
scurvy tyrannical servant to let thy poor master from his share
of the swag with your whorson pilgrims, palmers, and friars,
black, gray, and crutched; for all these are of our brotherhood
and of our art,-only masters they, and we but poor appren-
tices, in guild. ' For his tongue was an ell and a half.
"A truce to thy irreverend sophistries,' said I, 'and say what
company is this a-coming. ' 'Bohemians,' cried he. 'Ay, ay,
this shall be the rest of the band. ' With that came along so mot-
ley a crew as never your eyes beheld, dear Margaret. Marched
at their head one with a banner on a steel-pointed lance, and
girded with a great long sword, and in velvet doublet and leath-
ern jerkin, the which stuffs ne'er saw I wedded afore on mortal
flesh, and a gay feather in his lordly cap, and a couple of dead
fowls at his back,- the which an the spark had come by hon-
estly, I am much mistook. Him followed wives and babes on
two lean horses, whose flanks still rattled like parchment drum,
being beaten by kettles and caldrons. Next an armed man
a-riding of a horse, which drew a cart full of females and child-
ren: and in it, sitting backwards, a lusty, lazy knave, lance in
hand, with his luxurious feet raised on a holy-water pail that
lay along; and therein a cat, new kittened, sat glowing o'er her
brood, and sparks for eyes. And the cart-horse cavalier had on
his shoulders a round bundle; and thereon did perch a cock and
crowed with zeal, poor ruffler, proud of his brave feathers as the
rest, and haply with more reason, being his own. And on an
ass another wife and new-born child; and one poor quean afoot
scarce dragged herself along, so near her time was she, yet held
two little ones by the hand, and helplessly helped them on the
road. And the little folk were just a farce: some rode sticks
with horses' heads between their legs, which pranced and cara-
coled, and soon wearied the riders so sore they stood stock-still
-
## p. 12139 (#177) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12139
and wept, which cavaliers were presently taken into cart and
cuffed. And one, more grave, lost in a man's hat and feather,
walked in Egyptian darkness, handed by a girl; another had the
great saucepan on his back, and a tremendous three-footed clay
pot sat on his head and shoulders, swallowing him so as he too
went darkling, led by his sweetheart three foot high. When
they were gone by, and we had both laughed lustily, said I,
'Natheless, master, my bowels they yearn for one of that tawdry
band; even for the poor wife so near the down-lying, scarce able
to drag herself, yet still, poor soul, helping the weaker on the
way. '»
Why, wench, pluck up
Kate-"Nay, mother, 'tis not that, I trow, but her father.
And dear heart, why take notice to put her to the blush? ”
Richart-"So I say. "
"And he derided me.
Catherine-"Nay, nay, Margaret.
heart. Certes thou art no Bohemian. ”
'Why, that is a "biltreger," said he,
'and you waste your bowels on a pillow,' or so forth. I told
him he lied. Time would show,' said he: 'wait till they camp. '
And rising after meat and meditation, and traveling forward,
we found them camped between two great trees on a common
by the wayside; and they had lighted a great fire, and on it was
their caldron; and one of the trees slanting o'er the fire, a kid
hung down by a chain from the tree-fork to the fire, and in
the fork was wedged an urchin turning still the chain to keep
the meat from burning, and a gay spark with a feather in his
cap cut up a sheep; and another had spitted a leg of it on a
wooden stake; and a woman ended chanticleer's pride with wring-
ing of his neck.
"And under the other tree four rufflers played at cards and
quarreled, and no word sans oath; and of these lewd gamblers
one had cockles in his hat and was my reverend pilgrim. And a
female, young and comely and dressed like a butterfly, sat and
mended a heap of dirty rags. And Cul de Jatte said, 'Yon is
the "vopper "'; and I looked incredulous, and looked again, and it
was so and at her feet sat he that had so late lashed her- but
I ween he had wist where to strike, or woe betide him; and she
did now oppress him sore, and made him thread her very needle,
the which he did with all humility: so was their comedy turned
seamy side without; and Cul de Jatte told me 'twas still so with
«< voppers" and their men in camp: they would don their bravery
## p. 12140 (#178) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12140
though but for an hour, and with their tinsel, empire; and the
man durst not the least gainsay the 'vopper,' or she would turn
him off at these times, as I my master, and take another tyrant
more submissive. And my master chuckled over me.
-
"Natheless we soon espied a wife set with her back against
the tree, and her hair down, and her face white; and by her side.
a wench held up to her eye a new-born babe, with words of
cheer; and the rough fellow, her husband, did bring her hot
wine in a cup, and bade her take courage. And just o'er the
place she sat, they had pinned from bough to bough of those
neighboring trees two shawls, and blankets two, together, to keep
the drizzle off her. And so had another poor little rogue come
into the world: and by her own particular folk tended gipsywise;
but of the roasters and boilers, and voppers and gamblers, no
more noticed -
no, not for a single moment - than sheep which
droppeth her lamb in a field, by travelers upon the way. Then
said I, 'What of thy foul suspicions, master? over-knavery blinds
the eye as well as over-simplicity. ' And he laughed and said,
Triumph, Bon Bec, triumph. The chances were nine in ten
against thee. ' Then I did pity her, to be in a crowd at such a
time; but he rebuked me:-'I should pity rather your queens
and royal duchesses, which by law are condemned to groan in
a crowd of nobles and courtiers, and do writhe with shame as
well as sorrow, being come of decent mothers; whereas these
gipsy women have no more shame under their skins than a
wolf ruth, or a hare valor. And, Bon Bec,' quoth he, 'I espy in
thee a lamentable fault. Wastest thy bowels. Wilt have none
left for thy poor good master which doeth thy will by night and
day. '
"Then we came forward; and he talked with the men in some
strange Hebrew cant whereof no word knew I; and the poor
knaves bade us welcome and denied us naught. With them, and
all they had, 'twas lightly come and lightly go; and when we left
them my master said to me, 'This is thy first lesson, but to-night
we shall lie at Hansburg. Come with me to the "rotboss" there,
and I'll show thee all our folk and their lays; and especially the
"lossners," the "dutzers," the "schleppers," the "gickisses," the
"schwanfelders" (whom in England we call "shivering Jem-
mies"), the "süntvegers," the "schwiegers," the "joners," the
"sessel-degers," the "gennscherers" (in France "marcandiers" or
"rifodés "), the "veranerins," the "stabulers," with a few foreigners
## p. 12141 (#179) ##########################################
CHARLES READE
12141
like ourselves, such as "pietres," "francmitoux," "polissons,"
"malingreux," "traters," "rufflers," "whipjalks," "dommerars,"
"glymmerars," "jarkmen," "patricos," "swadders," "autem morts,"
"walking morts » › 'Enow,' cried I, stopping him: 'art as
gleesome as the Evil One a-counting of his imps. I'll jot down
in my tablet all these caitiffs and their accursed names; for
knowledge is knowledge. But go among them, alive or dead,
that will I not with my good will. Moreover,' said I, 'what need,
since I have a companion in thee who is all the knaves on
earth in one? ' and thought to abash him; but his face shone.
with pride, and hand on breast he did bow low to me.
"If thy
wit be scant, good Bon Bec, thy manners are a charm.
made a good bargain. '
I have
"So he to the 'rotboss': and I to a decent inn, and sketched
the landlord's daughter by candlelight, and started at morn batzen
three the richer, but could not find my master; so loitered slowly
on, and presently met him coming west for me, and cursing the
quiens. Why so? Because he could blind the culls but not the
quiens. At last I prevailed on him to leave cursing and canting,
and tell me his adventure.
"Said he, I sat outside the gate of yon monastery, full of
sores, which I showed the passers-by. O Bon Bec, beautifuller
sores you never saw; and it rained coppers in my hat. Pres-
ently the monks came home from some procession, and the con-
vent dogs ran out to meet them, curse the quiens! ' 'What,
did they fall on thee and bite thee, poor soul? ' 'Worse, worse,
dear Bon Bec. Had they bitten me I had earned silver. But
the great idiots-being, as I think, puppies, or little better-
fell on me where I sat, downed me, and fell a-licking my sores
among them.
As thou, false knave, didst swear the whelps in
heaven licked the sores of Lazybones, a beggar of old. ' 'Nay,
nay,' said I, 'I said no such thing. But tell me, since they bit
thee not, but sportfully licked thee, what harm? '—'What harm,
noodle? why, the sores came off. '-'How could that be? ' —
'How could aught else be, and them just fresh put on? Did I
think he was so weak as bite holes in his flesh with ratsbane?
Nay, he was an artist, a painter like his servant; and had put on
sores made of pig's blood, rye meal, and glue. '-'So when the
folk saw my sores go on tongues of puppies, they laughed, and
I saw cord or sack before me. So up I jumped, and shouted,
"A miracle! a miracle! The very dogs of this holy convent be
## p. 12142 (#180) ##########################################
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CHARLES READE
holy, and have cured me. Good fathers," cried I, "whose day
is this? " "St. Isidore's," said one. "St. Isidore! " cried I, in a
sort of rapture. "Why, St. Isidore is my patron saint; so that
accounts. " And the simple folk swallowed my miracle as those
accursed quiens my wounds. But the monks took me inside and
shut the gate, and put their heads together: but I have a quick
ear,
and one did say "Caret miraculo monasterium"; which is
Greek patter, I trow-leastways it is no beggar's cant. Finally
they bade the lay brethren give me a hiding, and take me out
a back way and put me on the road; and threatened me did I
come back to the town to hand me to the magistrate and have
me drowned for a plain impostor. "Profit now by the Church's
grace," said they, "and mend thy ways. " So forward, Bon Bec,
for my life is not sure nigh hand this town. '
"As we went he worked his shoulders. 'Wow, but the breth-
ren laid on! And what means yon piece of monk's cant, I
wonder? ' So I told him the words meant 'The monastery is in
want of a miracle,' but the application thereof was dark to me.
'Dark! ' cried he: 'dark as noon. Why, it means they are going
to work the miracle, my miracle, and gather all the grain I
sowed. Therefore these blows on their benefactor's shoulders;
therefore is he that wrought their scurvy miracle driven forth
with stripes and threats. Oh, cozening knaves!
