Three thousand
Phillippeans!
Catullus - Lamb - A Comedy in Verse
(Hands him the cup and straightway fills the other
cup. Caius Memmius hands the servant the empty
one. ) Another smile, good friend.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
'Tis good. Ah -- Catullus, there's naught can warm the
heart like wine -- fill thou a cup.
CATULLUS.
Nay, good friend, I have foresworn.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Amazed) Thou hast foresworn the grape? Ha, ha, ha,
what merry jest is this?
CATULLUS.
The truth.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Dumfounded) Then if the day of miracles has come,
fill thou me quick a mantling bowl, that I may drown me
in the liquor.
CATULLUS.
(Mockingly) Alas, alas! what v/ill thine evil ways en-
gender?
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? CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Engender? Engender? Wine engends love. Wine
warms the heart, and makes the blood pulse quickly
through the veins. Wine masters all disputes and binds us
to our friends, wine drowns our sorrows, dulls our cares,
and fills our hearts with joy -- (pause) -- there's naught like
wine. Then fill me up another bowl that I may make liba-
tion to gods and weep for thee.
CATULLUS.
(Pours him out another cup) Alas! thou art no model
for thy son.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Ha, ha, ha -- nor thou for me
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Julian shall wed when he's one and twenty. I'll then
resign unto his wife those cares that now give me so much
concern.
CATULLUS.
Thou art indeed most wise. Hast thou discovered yet
a maid to be his wife?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Confidentially) Nay! for in this affair I come to seek
thy counsel.
CATULLUS.
Ha, ha, ha! My counsel? (Surprised) How can I serve
thee?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Although a Veronese, yet art thou more a Roman than
myself, Thou canst with candor give me counsel, and I
will ever be thy debtor.
CATULLUS.
Ha, ha, ha! The task is not an easy one. (Pause) She
must be fair and rich?
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? I
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Aye! and a patrician. Look thou to that, for though I
am a rugged soldier, I carry my head as high as the great-
est aristocrat in Rome, no matter what his wealth may be.
CATULLUS.
(Reflecting) Give me time to weigh this strange affair,
perchance dame Fortune may favor thy design.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Well, here's to Fortune and to thee (he raises his cup),
and may ya ne'er part company. I'll join thee here anon.
Exit Caius Memmius right.
SCENE X.
CATULLUS AND HERMIA.
Re-enter Hermia, left.
Catullus seats himself upon the couch after the exit of
Caius Memmius, reflecting upon the droll situation, when
his thoughts are diverted by the entrance of Hermia.
HERMIA.
O, Catullus, good friend, hast thou forgot thy promise?
(Imploringly. ) Ah, take me to my lover, -- Nay. quickly!
quickly! or else disclose where he is hid, that I may fly to
him.
CATULLUS.
(Motions to her to be silent when off scene, Julien is
heard to sing. )
JULIAN.
Sings:
Oh, thou fair lake whose waters quaff
The light of heaven like Lydia's sea.
Rejoice, my beautiful, my own.
Sweet Sirmio greet me back to thee.
During the singing Catullus arises and takes Hermia's
hand and leads her to his chamber door right.
Exit Hermia.
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? SCENE XL
CATULLUS AND LUCRETIUS.
Re-enter Lucretius, left.
LUCRETIUS.
(Impatiently. ) How, nov/, what said my haughty
Hermia to thy appeal.
CATULLUS.
The matter is arranged.
LUCRETIUS.
(Surprised. ) What matter? How arranged? Speak
not in riddles. Will she wed or no?
CATULLUS.
Thy child will wed (pause) on one condition.
LUCRETIUS.
(Haughtily. ) So, so, she braves me still.
CATULLUS.
Nay, she braves thee not, but she will select the bride-
groom.
LUCRETIUS.
(Wildly. ) Ha, ha, ha. The hussey, first she will not
wed, no matter whom the man may be -- and then to hide
her sly hypocrisy, she will dictate terms unto her father,
ha, ha, ha, ye gods that's too much.
CATULLUS.
Patience, patience, hear me out; I have complied with
thy desire, yet back of all I see the hand of Fate.
LUCRETIUS.
(Surprised. ) The hand of Fate?
CATULLUS.
Thy daughter loves and fain would wed, a youth whom
I do know, and would commend to thy esteem.
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? LUCRETIUS.
(Vexed) Who is he?
CATULLUS.
The son of a Roman soldier who in the wars hath gained
renown and is beloved by Caesar.
LUCRETIUS.
(Impatiently) His name?
CATULLUS.
He's young and brave, and a patrician.
LUCRETIUS.
His name? and quickly, for if he's the paragon you claim
then hast thou well fulfilled thy part in this affair.
CATULLUS.
Bring hither Eunomia, thy wife, and to you both I shall
disclose his name. Then let us thank the gods.
Exit Lucretius, left.
SCENE XIL
Re-enter Caius Memmius.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(In his cups) Ha, ha, ha, hast thou resolved the riddle.
Say whom shall Julian wed? She must be fair,' -- she must
be rich. Ha, ha, ha, -- come name the maid.
CATULLUS.
The matter is most difficult (inspirationally). Yet now
I think me of a maid who will in all respects fulfill thy
most exacting terms.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Bravo, -- ^bravo. What's her name?
CATULLUS.
She's called Hermia. (Pause) But art thou sure that
she will please thy son?
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? CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Ha, ha, ha! Julian shall marry whom I select, be she
as ugly as a Satyr. (He looks up and sees Lucretius and
Eunomia approaching by the peristyle from right. ) Now,
by the Shades, who comes here?
CATULLUS.
That's my friend, Lucretius, -- (surprised) dost thou
know him?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Ha, ha, ha! Know I him? Aye, I know him well. He's
a swindler and a cheat.
CATULLUS.
What is the cause of discontent between ye?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
An affair of long standing.
CATULLUS.
Aye! but of what?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Oh, an affair of three thousand Phillippeans.
CATULLUS.
Three thousand Phillippeans! ! a princely sum! Hast
thou no recourse on him for it?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
The evidence is lost, and now he flounts to my face. He
is a scoundrel and a knave
CATULLUS.
(Gleefully) Ha, ha, ha! I think I may secure the debt
for thee.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Full well, I know that thou art clever -- but he is craftier
than thou. Nay, the sum is lost unless I find the evidence.
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? CATULLUS.
We'll see, -- leave him to me (confidentially), and now in
all that I propose, give thou thy full consent.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
My consent?
CATULLUS.
Aye, thy full consent; v*^e'll conquer craft by craft.
SCENE XIIL
Re-enter Lucretius & Eunomia from peristyle, right.
r Lucretius regards Caius Memmius with surprise ")
j and contempt; Caius Memmius regards him with j
? { pompous dignity and disdain; Catullus, center stage, )?
I observes them both with gleeful satisfaction, whilst |
L Eunomia remains left, a silent witness of the scene. J
LUCRETIUS.
(Impatiently to Catullus) What trick of fate has brought
this swearing wine bibber hither?
CATULLUS.
He's come to seek my counsel upon matter of import.
LUCRETIUS.
(Suspiciously) So, so, he's prating still about that old
affair -- (warmly) -- I'll never pay an abol of it.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(To Catullus) What said he?
CATULLUS.
(To Caius Memmius) He'll never pay an abol of it.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(To Catullus) Ha, ha, ha, I told thee that.
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? CATULLUS.
(To Caius Memmius) Patience, patience (he crosses
to Lucretius). Nay! he comes to seek a wife for his son,
and I, being friend to thee, have bethought me of thy
daughter Hermia. The match would be a worthy one, for
Julian is beloved by Caesar and sure to gain renown.
LUCRETIUS.
(Dumfounded) Would he consent? (looking at Caius
Memmius. )
CATULLUS.
I doubt not, if thou art generous with thy daughter's
dower.
LUCRETIUS.
(Reflecting) What sum would he propose. (To Euno-
mia) Come hither, wife; I need thy counsel.
CATULLUS.
1*11 ask him (he crosses to Caius Memmius). Now back
me stoutly in my demand. What is the sum he owes you?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Three thousand Phillippeans.
CATULLUS.
(Crossing to Lucretius) Three thousand Phillippeans!
LUCRETIUS.
(Dumfounded) (Aloud) . Three . thousand -- Phillip-
peans! ! -- Ka, ha, ha, the sum that he pretends I owe him --
(Furiously) Enough -- Enough! -- I see the trick. He thinks
to win by craft that which by law he cannot gain, ha, ha,
ha! I'll none if it, no, by the gods!
EUNOMIA.
(Pleading) Softly, softly.
LUCRETIUS.
(Furiously) I'll none of it, I say -- I'll none of it.
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? EUNOMIA.
Yet such a match would please me much, and might
please Hermia.
LUCRETIUS.
I'll none of it, no, by the gods! (He crosses to Caius
Memmius. ) Where is this paragon of virtue called thy
son?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Surprised) In Rome, but what in that to thee?
LUCRETIUS.
Thinkest thou that he is worth three thousand Phillip-
peans? Ha, ha, ha, three thousand Phillippeans.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
He's drunk
CATULLUS.
Nay! for he's a water drinker. But listeri -- (The voices
of Julian and Hermia are heard off scene singing. )
JULIAN AND HERMIA SING.
O, thou fair lake where waters quaff,
The light of heaven like Lydia's sea.
Rejoice my beautiful, my own.
Sweet Sirmio, greet me back to thee.
r As they sing, they cross the peristyle from right to 1
[ left, their arms about each other's necks in perfect j
? { content, oblivious of the presence of their parents. 1"
I All turn and regard the lovers in amazement. Ca-
I tuUus points to them as the music dies away. J
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Exclaims) Julian! !
LUCRETIUS AND EUNOMIA.
(Exclaim) Hermia! !
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? LUCRETIUS.
Can I believe mine eyes? Yet there she walks in love's
embrace and flouts me spite of all. (Crossing to Caius
Memmius. ) Was that thy son?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Perplexed) It was.
LUCRETIUS.
I thought he was in Rome. How comes it then that
here I find him with my daughter in his arms?
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
(Dumfounded) I know not.
LUCRETIUS.
(Tauntingly) Oh, ha, ha, ha, he does know, ha, ha, ha, --
Avaunt, thou rogue, I see the trick, -- my daughter for thy
son; three thousand Phillippeans for thee. Then might
thou mock me to my face, and bid the world be merry. I'll
none of it, no, by the gods, I'll none of it.
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Thou fool, thou dolt, thou knave, thou babbling water
drinker, thou. No kith or kin of thine are equal to my
family.
LUCRETIUS.
Oh, ha, ha, ha, and now he flaunts his family in my face.
Enough, I say.
CATULLUS.
(Interrupting both) Aye, enough! Now list to me.
This morn he came to me and begged me for my counsel.
(To Caius Memmius) I have found thee a worthy wife
for thy son. (To Lucretius) And thou a worthy husband
for thy daughter. If now ye do not both consent and
sanctify this union, then m. ay the gods in wrath and anger
punish ye. (Seriously) Have a care, for there is a power
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? greater than man, aye, greater than the gods themselves.
The power of Fate, -- and whatsoe'er is planned by Fate
no man may ever hinder.
LUCRETIUS.
I'll not consent!
(Exit Lucretius, left. )
CAIUS MEMMIUS.
Nor I!
(Exit Caius Memmius, right. )
CATULLUS.
Then may ye both be punished by the gods, for as I live>>
I'll plead with ye no more. Come hither Eunomia, Thou
hast a gentle heart; essay to calm thy husband's wrath.
EUNOMIA.
I'll add my plea to thine, good friend, for well I know
that wherever love holds sway the will of man is impotent.
CATULLUS.
Thou art a noble soul, Eunomia. Be firm, be brave, and
fortune favor thee, for if these children be not in love and
honor wed, their hearts will break, and sighs and tears will
rend our home, where joy should hold full sway. Fare-
well! ! (Exit Eunomia, left. )
r Catullus seats himself despondently upon the couch, 1
J when suddenly Julian and Hermia run to him and [
I fall upon their knees before him, imploring his bless- j
L ing. J
SCENE XIV.
Re-enter Julian and Hermia from chamber, right.
JULIAN.
Thy blessing, Catullus.
HERMIA.
Thy blessing, gentle friend, and say the gods have fa-
vored our design.
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