No More Learning

_ But why by Jupiter?

_Phæd. _ Because he's the greatest: I hate to deal with one of your
little baffling gods, that can do nothing but by permission; but
Jupiter can swinge you off, if you swear by him, and are forsworn.

_Alc. _ I swear by Jupiter.

_Phæd. _ Then--I believe he is victorious, and I know he is safe; for I
looked through the key-hole, and saw him knocking at the gate; and I
had the conscience to let him cool his heels there.

_Alc. _ And would'st thou not open to him? Oh, thou traitress!

_Phæd. _ No, I was a little wiser: I left Sosia's wife to let him in;
for I was resolved to bring the news, and make my pennyworths out of
him, as time shall show.

_Enter_ JUPITER, _in the shape of_ AMPHITRYON, _with_ SOSIA'S _wife_,
BROMIA. _He kisses and embraces_ ALCMENA.

_Jup. _ O let me live for ever on those lips!
The nectar of the gods to these is tasteless.
I swear, that, were I Jupiter, this night
I would renounce my heaven, to be Amphitryon.

_Alc. _ Then, not to swear beneath Amphitryon's oath,
(Forgive me, Juno, if I am profane,)
I swear, I would be what I am this night,
And be Alcmena, rather than be Juno.

_Brom. _ Good my lord, what is become of my poor bedfellow, your man
Sosia? you keep such a billing and cooing here, to set one's mouth
a watering--what I say, though I am a poor woman, I have a husband
as well as my lady; and should be as glad as she, of a little honest
recreation.

_Phæd. _ And what have you done with your old friend, and my old
sweetheart, Judge Gripus? has he brought me home a crammed purse, that
swells with bribes? if he be rich, I will make him welcome like an
honourable magistrate; but if he has not had the wit to sell justice,
he judges no causes in my court, I warrant him.

_Alc. _ My lord, you tell me nothing of the battle?
Is Thebes victorious, are our foes destroyed?
For, now I find you safe, I should be glad
To hear you were in danger.

_Jup. _ [_Aside. _] A man had need be a god, to stand the fury of three
talking women! I think, in my conscience, I made their tongues of
thunder.

_Brom. _ [_Pulling him on one side. _] I asked the first question; answer
me, my lord.

_Phæd. _ [_Pulling him on the other side. _] Peace! mine is a lover, and
yours but a husband; and my judge is my lord too; the title shall take
place, and I will be answered.

_Jup. _ Sosia is safe; Gripus is rich; both coming;
I rode before them, with a lover's haste. ----
Was e'er poor god so worried? but for my love,
I wish I were in heaven again with Juno. [_Aside. _

_Alc. _ Then I, it seems, am last to be regarded?

_Jup. _ Not so, my love; but these obstreperous tongues
Have snatched their answers first; they will be heard;
And surely Jove would never answer prayer
That woman made, but only to be freed
From their eternal noise. Make haste to bed;
There let me tell my story, in thy arms;
There, in the gentle pauses of our love,
Betwixt our dyings, ere we live again,
Thou shalt be told the battle, and success;
Which I shall oft begin, and then break off;
For love will often interrupt my tale,
And make so sweet confusion in our talk,
That thou shalt ask, and I shall answer things,
That are not of a piece; but patched with kisses,
And sighs, and murmurs, and imperfect speech;
And nonsense shall be eloquent, in love.

_Brom. _ [_To_ PHÆDHA. ] My lord is very hot upon it: this absence is a
great friend to us poor neglected wives; it makes us new again.

_Alc. _ I am the fool of love; and find within me
The fondness of a bride, without the fear.
My whole desires and wishes are in you.

_Phæd. _ [_Aside. _] My lady's eyes are pinking to bed-ward too: now is
she to look very sleepy, counterfeiting yawning,--but she shall ask me
leave first.

_Alc. _ Great Juno, thou, whose holy care presides
Over the nuptial bed, pour all thy blessings
On this auspicious night!

_Jup. _ Juno may grudge; for she may fear a rival
In those bright eyes; but Jupiter will grant,
And doubly bless this night.

_Phæd. _ [_Aside. _] But Jupiter should ask my leave
first, were he here in person.

_Alc. _ Bromia, prepare the bed:
The tedious journey has disposed my lord
To seek his needful rest. [_Exit_ BROMIA.

_Phæd. _ 'Tis very true, madam; the poor gentleman must needs be
weary; and, therefore, it was not ill contrived, that he must lie
alone to-night, to recruit himself with sleep, and lay in enough for
to-morrow night, when you may keep him waking.

_Alc. _ [_To_ JUPITER. ] I must confess, I made a kind of promise. ----

_Phæd. _ [_Almost crying. _] A kind of promise, do you call it? I see you
would fain be coming off. I am sure you swore to me, by Jupiter, that
I should be your bedfellow; and I'll accuse you to him, too, the first
prayers I make; and I'll pray o' purpose, too, that I will, though I
have not prayed to him this seven years.

_Jup. _ O, the malicious hilding!

_Alc. _ I did swear, indeed, my lord.

_Jup. _ Forswear thyself; for Jupiter but laughs
At lovers' perjuries.

_Phæd. _ The more shame for him, if he does: there would be a fine god,
indeed, for us women to worship, if he laughs when our sweethearts
cheat us of our maidenheads. No, no, Jupiter is an honester gentleman
than you make of him.

_Jup. _ I'm all on fire; and would not lose this night,
To be the master of the universe.

_Phæd. _ Ay, my lord, I see you are on fire; but the devil a bucket
shall be brought to quench it, without my leave. You may go to bed,
madam; but you shall see how heaven will bless your night's work, if
you forswear yourself:--Some fool, some mere elder-brother, or some
blockheadly hero, Jove, I beseech thee, send her!

_Jup. _ [_Aside. _] Now I could call my thunder to revenge me,
But that were to confess myself a god,
And then I lost my love! ----Alcmena, come;
By heaven I have a bridegroom's fervour for thee,
As I had ne'er enjoyed.

_Alc. _ She has my oath; [_Sighing. _
And sure she may release it, if she pleases.

_Phæd. _ Why truly, madam, I am not cruel in my nature, to poor
distressed lovers; for it may be my own case another day: and
therefore, if my lord pleases to consider me----

_Jup. _ Any thing, any thing! but name thy wish, and have it.

_Phæd. _ Ay, now you say, any thing, any thing; but you would tell me
another story to-morrow morning. Look you, my lord, here is a hand
open to receive; you know the meaning of it; I am for nothing but the
ready----

_Jup. _ Thou shalt have all the treasury of heaven.

_Phæd. _ Yes, when you are Jupiter, to dispose of it.

_Jup. _ [_Aside. _] I had forgot, and shewed myself a god: This love can
make a fool of Jupiter.

_Phæd. _ You have forgot some part of the enemies' spoil, I warrant you.
I see a little trifling diamond upon your finger; and I am proud enough
to think it would become mine too.

_Jup. _ Here take it. --
[_Taking a Ring off his Finger, and giving it. _
This is a very woman;
Her sex is avarice, and she, in one,
Is all her sex.

_Phæd. _ Ay, ay, 'tis no matter what you say of us. What, would you have
your money out of the treasury, without paying the officers their fees?
Go, get you together, you naughty couple, till you are both weary of
worrying one another; and then to-morrow morning I shall have another
fee for parting you.

[PHÆDRA _goes out before_ ALCMENA _with a light_.

_Jup. _ Why now, I am indeed the lord of all;
For what's to be a god, but to enjoy?
Let human kind their sovereign's leisure wait;
Love is, this night, my great affair of state:
Let this one night of providence be void;
All Jove, for once, is on himself employ'd.
Let unregarded altars smoke in vain;
And let my subjects praise me, or complain:
Yet if, betwixt my intervals of bliss,
Some amorous youth his orisons address,
His prayer is in a happy hour preferred;
And when Jove loves, a lover shall be heard. [_Exit. _




ACT II.


SCENE I. --_A Night Scene of a Palace. _

SOSIA, _with a Dark-Lanthorn_; MERCURY, _in_ SOSIA'S _shape, with a
Dark-Lanthorn also_.

_Sos. _ Was not the devil in my master, to send me out this dreadful
dark night, to bring the news of his victory to my lady? and was not I
possessed with ten devils, for going on his errand, without a convoy
for the safeguard of my person? Lord, how am I melted into sweat with
fear! I am diminished of my natural weight, above two stone: I shall
not bring half myself home again, to my poor wife and family; I have
been in an ague fit, ever since shut of evening; what with the fright
of trees by the highway, which looked maliciously, like thieves, by
moonshine; and what with bulrushes by the river-side, that shaked like
spears and lances at me. Well, the greatest plague of a serving-man, is
to be hired to some great lord! They care not what drudgery they put
upon us, while they lie lolling at their ease a-bed, and stretch their
lazy limbs, in expectation of the whore which we are fetching for them.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] He is but a poor mortal, that suffers this; but I,
who am a god, am degraded to a foot-pimp; a waiter without doors! a
very civil employment for a deity!

_Sos. _ The better sort of them will say, "Upon my honour," at every
word; yet ask them for our wages, and they plead the privilege of their
honour, and will not pay us; nor let us take our privilege of the law
upon them. These are a very hopeful sort of patriots, to stand up, as
they do, for liberty and property of the subject: There's conscience
for you!

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] This fellow has something of the republican spirit
in him.

_Sos. _ [_Looking about him. _] Stay; this, methinks, should be our
house; and I should thank the gods now for bringing me safe home: but,
I think, I had as good let my devotions alone, till I have got the
reward for my good news, and then thank them once for all; for, if I
praise them before I am safe within doors, some damned mastiff dog may
come out and worry me; and then my thanks are thrown away upon them.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] Thou art a wicked rogue, and wilt have thy bargain
beforehand; therefore thou get'st not into the house this night; and
thank me accordingly as I use thee.

_Sos. _ Now am I to give my lady an account of my lord's victory; 'tis
good to exercise my parts beforehand, and file my tongue into eloquent
expressions, to tickle her ladyship's imagination.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] Good! and here's the god of eloquence to judge of
thy oration.

_Sos. _ [_Setting down his Lanthorn. _] This lanthorn, for once, shall be
my lady; because she is the lamp of all beauty and perfection.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] No, rogue! 'tis thy lord is the lanthorn by this
time, or Jupiter is turned fumbler.

_Sos. _ Then thus I make my addresses to her:--[_Bows. _] Madam, my lord
has chosen me out, as the most faithful, though the most unworthy, of
his followers, to bring your ladyship this following account of our
glorious expedition. Then she,--O my poor Sosia, [_In a shrill tone. _]
how am I overjoyed to see thee! She can say no less. --Madam, you do me
too much honour, and the world will envy me this glory:--Well answered
on my side. And how does my lord Amphitryon? --Madam, he always does
like a man of courage, when he is called by honour. --There I think I
nicked it. --But when will he return? --As soon as possibly he can; but
not so soon as his impatient heart could wish him with your ladyship.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] When Thebes is an university, thou deservest to be
their orator.

_Sos. _ But what does he do, and what does he say? Pr'ythee tell me
something more of him. --He always says less than he does, madam; and
his enemies have found it to their cost. --Where the devil did I learn
these elegancies and gallantries!

_Merc. _ So, he has all the natural endowments of a fop, and only wants
the education.

_Sos. _ [_Staring up to the sky. _] What, is the devil in the night!
She's as long as two nights. The seven stars are just where they were
seven hours ago! high day--high night, I mean, by my favour.
What, has
Phœbus been playing the good fellow, and overslept himself, that he
forgets his duty to us mortals!

_Merc. _ How familiarly the rascal treats us gods! but I shall make him
alter his tone immediately.

[MERCURY _comes nearer, and stands just before him_.

_Sos. _ [_Seeing him, and starting back, aside. _] How now? what, do my
eyes dazzle, or is my dark lanthorn false to me! is not that a giant
before our door? or a ghost of somebody slain in the late battle? If
he be, 'tis unconscionably done, to fright an honest man thus, who
never drew weapon wrathfully in all my life. Whatever wight he be, I am
devilishly afraid, that's certain; but, 'tis discretion to keep my own
counsel; I'll sing, that I may seem valiant.

[SOSIA _sings; and_, _as_ MERCURY _speaks_, _by little and little drops
his voice_.

_Merc. _ What saucy companion is this, that deafens us with his hoarse
voice? What midnight ballad-singer have we here? I shall teach the
villain to leave off catterwauling.

_Sos. _ I would I had courage, for his sake, that I might teach him to
call my singing catterwauling! an illiterate rogue! an enemy to the
muses, and to music.

_Merc. _ There is an ill savour that offends my nostrils and it wafteth
this way.

_Sos. _ He has smelt me out; my fear has betrayed me into this savour. I
am a dead man: the bloody villain is at his fee, fa, fum, already.

_Merc. _ Stand, who goes there?

_Sos. _ A friend.

_Merc. _ What friend?

_Sos. _ Why, a friend to all the world, that will give me leave to live
peaceably.

_Merc. _ I defy peace and all its works; my arms are out of exercise,
they have mauled nobody these three days: I long for an honourable
occasion to pound a man, and lay him asleep at the first buffet.

_Sos. _ [_Aside. _] That would almost do me a kindness; for I have been
kept waking, without tipping one wink of sleep, these three nights.

_Merc. _ Of what quality are you, fellow?

_Sos. _ Why, I am a man, fellow. --Courage, Sosia!

_Merc. _ What kind of man?

_Sos. _ Why, a two-legged man; what man should I be? [_Aside. _] I must
bear up to him, he may prove as arrant a milksop as myself.

_Merc. _ Thou art a coward, I warrant thee; do not I hear thy teeth
chatter in thy head?

_Sos. _ Ay, ay; that's only a sign they would be snapping at thy nose.
[_Aside. _] Bless me, what an arm and fist he has, with great thumbs
too; and golls and knuckle-bones of a very butcher!

_Merc. _ Sirrah, from whence came you, and whither go you; answer me
directly, upon pain of assassination.

_Sos. _ I am coming from whence I came, and am going whither I
go,--that's directly home; though this is somewhat an uncivil manner of
proceeding, at the first sight of a man, let me tell you.

_Merc. _ Then, to begin our better acquaintance, let me first make you a
small present of this box o' the ear---- [_Strikes him. _

_Sos. _ If I were as choleric a fool as you are now, here would be fine
work betwixt us two; but I am a little better bred, than to disturb the
sleeping neighbourhood; and so good-night, friend---- [_Is going. _

_Merc. _ [_Stopping him. _] Hold, sir; you and I must not part so easily;
once more, whither are you going?

_Sos. _ Why I am going as fast as I can, to get out of the reach of your
clutches. Let me but only knock at the door there.

_Merc. _ What business have you at that door, sirrah?

_Sos. _ This is our house; and, when I am got in, I will
tell you more.

_Merc. _ Whose house is this, sauciness, that you are so
familiar with, to call it ours?

_Sos. _ 'Tis mine, in the first place; and next, my
master's; for I lie in the garret, and he lies under
me.

_Merc. _ Have your master and you no names, sirrah?

_Sos. _ His name is Amphitryon; hear that, and tremble.

_Merc. _ What, my lord general?

_Sos. _ O, has his name mollified you! I have brought
you down a peg lower already, friend.

_Merc. _ And your name is----

_Sos. _ Lord, friend, you are so very troublesome--what should my name
be, but Sosia?

_Merc. _ How, Sosia, say you? how long have you taken up that name,
sirrah?

_Sos. _ Here's a fine question! Why I never took it up, friend; it was
born with me.

_Merc. _ What, was your name born Sosia? take this remembrance for that
lie. [_Beats him. _

_Sos. _ Hold, friend! you are so very flippant with your hands, you
won't hear reason: What offence has my name done you, that you should
beat me for it? _S. O. S. I. A. _ they are as civil, honest, harmless
letters, as any are in the whole alphabet.

_Merc. _ I have no quarrel to the name; but that 'tis e'en too good for
you, and 'tis none of yours.

_Sos. _ What, am not I Sosia, say you?

_Merc. _ No.

_Sos. _ I should think you are somewhat merrily disposed, if you had
not beaten me in such sober sadness. You would persuade me out of my
heathen name, would you?

_Merc. _ Say you are Sosia again, at your peril, sirrah.

_Sos. _ I dare say nothing, but thought is free; but whatever I am
called, I am Amphitryon's man, and the first letter of my name is _S. _
too. You had best tell me that my master did not send me home to my
lady, with news of his victory?

_Merc. _ I say, he did not.

_Sos. _ Lord, Lord, friend, one of us two is horribly given to lying;
but I do not say which of us, to avoid contention.

_Merc. _ I say my name is Sosia, and yours is not.

_Sos. _ I would you could make good your words; for then I should not be
beaten, and you should.

_Merc. _ I find you would be Sosia, if you durst; but if I catch you
thinking so----

_Sos. _ I hope I may think I was Sosia; and I can find no difference
between my former self, and my present self, but that I was plain Sosia
before, and now I am laced Sosia.

_Merc. _ Take this, for being so impudent to think so. [_Beats him. _

_Sos. _ [_Kneeling. _] Truce a little, I beseech thee! I would be a
stock or a stone now by my good will, and would not think at all, for
self-preservation. But will you give me leave to argue the matter
fairly with you, and promise me to depose that cudgel, if I can prove
myself to be that man that I was before I was beaten?

_Merc. _ Well, proceed in safety; I promise you I will not beat you.

_Sos. _ In the first place, then, is not this town called Thebes?

_Merc. _ Undoubtedly.

_Sos. _ And is not this house Amphitryon's?

_Merc. _ Who denies it?

_Sos. _ I thought you would have denied that too; for all hang upon a
string. Remember then, that those two preliminary articles are already
granted. In the next place, did not the aforesaid Amphitryon beat
the Teleboans, kill their king Pterelas, and send a certain servant,
meaning somebody, that for sake-sake shall be nameless, to bring a
present to his wife, with news of his victory, and of his resolution to
return to-morrow?

_Merc. _ This is all true, to a very tittle; but who is that certain
servant? there's all the question.

_Sos. _ Is it peace or war betwixt us?

_Merc. _ Peace.

_Sos. _ I dare not wholly trust that abominable cudgel; but 'tis a
certain friend of yours and mine, that had a certain name before he was
beaten out of it; but if you are a man that depend not altogether upon
force and brutality, but somewhat also upon reason, now do you bring
better proofs, that you are that same certain man; and, in order to it,
answer me to certain questions.

_Merc. _ I say I am Sosia, Amphitryon's man; what reason have you to
urge against it?

_Sos. _ What was your father's name?

_Merc. _ Davus; who was an honest husbandman, whose sister's name was
Harpage, that was married, and died in a foreign country.

_Sos. _ So far you are right, I must confess; and your wife's name is----

_Merc. _ Bromia, a devilish shrew of her tongue, and a vixen of her
hands, that leads me a miserable life; keeps me to hard duty a-bed; and
beats me every morning when I have risen from her side, without having
first----

_Sos. _ I understand you, by many a sorrowful token;--this must be I.
[_Aside. _

_Merc. _ I was once taken upon suspicion of burglary, and was whipt
through Thebes, and branded for my pains.

_Sos. _ Right, me again; but if you are I, as I begin to suspect, that
whipping and branding might have been past over in silence, for both
our credits. And yet now I think on't, if I am I, (as I am I) he
cannot be I. All these circumstances he might have heard; but I will
now interrogate him upon some private passages. --What was the present
that Amphitryon sent by you or me, no matter which of us, to his wife
Alcmena?

_Merc. _ A buckle of diamonds, consisting of five large stones.

_Sos. _ And where are they now?

_Merc. _ In a case, sealed with my master's coat of arms.

_Sos. _ This is prodigious, I confess; but yet 'tis nothing, now I think
on't; for some false brother may have revealed it to him. [_Aside. _]
But I have another question to ask you, of somewhat that passed only
betwixt myself and me;--if you are Sosia, what were you doing in the
heat of battle?

_Merc. _ What a wise man should, that has respect for his own person. I
ran into our tent, and hid myself amongst the baggage.

_Sos. _ [_Aside. _] Such another cutting answer; and I must provide
myself of another name.