But
listening
at the door To hear their secrets ?
Universal Anthology - v04
.
Xanthias —
Was there ever in heaven or earth such a coward ? Bacchus— Me ?
A coward ! Did not I show my presence of mind — And call for a sponge and water in a moment ? Would a coward have done that ?
Xanthias — What else would he do ? Bacchus —
He'd have lain there like a nasty coward ;
But I jumped up at once, like a lusty wrestler, And looked about, and wiped myself, withal.
Xanthias —
Most manfully done !
By Jove, and I think it was ;
Bacchus —
But tell me, weren't you frightened with that speech ? — Such horrible expressions ! —
Xanthias [coolly, but with conscious and intentional coolness] No, not I; I took no notice
Bacchus — Well, I'll tell you what, Since you're such a valiant-spirited kind of fellow —
Do you be me — with the club and the lion skin,
Now you're in this courageous temper of mind ;
And I'll go take my turn and carry the bundles. Xanthias —
Well — give us hold — I must honor you forsooth; Make haste [he changes his dress] : and now behold the
Xanthian Hercules,
And mind if I don't display more heart and spirit.
Bacchus — .
Indeed and you look the character completely.
Enter Proserpine's Servant Maid (a kind of Dame Quickly), who immediately addresses Xanthias.
Dear Hercules. Well, you're come at last. Come in, For the goddess, as soon as she heard of set to work, Baking peck loaves and frying stacks of pancakes,
And making messes of furmety; there's an ox
it,
52 THE MOCK HERCULES.
Besides, she has roasted whole, with a relishing stuffing,
If you'll only just step in this way.
Xanthias [with dignity and reserve] — I thank you,
I'm equally obliged.
Servant Maid — No, no, by Jupiter !
We must not let you off, indeed. There's wild fowl And sweetmeats for the dessert, and the best of wine ; Only walk in.
Xanthias [as before] — I thank you. You'll excuse me. Servant Maid — No, no, we can't excuse you, indeed we can't;
There are dancing and singing girls besides.
Xanthias [with dissembled emotion] — What ! dancers ? Servant Maid —
Yes, that there are ; the sweetest, charmingest things that evei you saw—and there's the cook this moment
Is dishing up the dinner. —
Xanthias (with an air of lofty condescension)
Go before, then, And tell the girls — those singing girls you mentioned —
To prepare for my approach in person presently.
[ To Bacchus] — You, sirrah ! follow behind me with the bundles. Bacchus —
Holloh, you ! what, do you take the thing in earnest, Because, for a joke, I drest you up like Hercules?
—
[Xanthias continues to gesticulate as Hercules. Come, don't stand fooling, Xanthias. You'll provoke me.
There, carry the bundles, sirrah, when I bid you. Xanthias [relapsing at once into his natural air] —
Why, sure ? do you mean to take the things away
That you gave me yourself of your own accord this instant ?
Bacchus —
I never mean a thing ;
Let go of the lion's skin directly, I tell you.
I
do it at once.
Xanthias [resigning his heroical insignia with a tragical air and To you, just Gods, I make my last appeal,
Bear witness !
tone]
Bacchus — What ! the Gods ? — do you think they mind you ? How could you take it in your head, I wonder —
Such a foolish fancy for a fellow like you,
A mortal and a slave, to pass for Hercules ?
Xanthias — —
There. Take them.
You may come to want my help some time or other.
There
— — [God you may have them but please
Enter Two Women, Sutlers or Keepers of an Eating House.
1 Woman —
What, Platana ! Goody Platana ! there ! that's he,
THE MOCK HERCULES. 53
The fellow that robs and cheats poor victualers ;
That came to our house and eat those nineteen loaves. 2 Woman —
Ay, sure enough that's he, the very man. Xanthias [tauntingly to Bacchus] —
There's mischief in the wind for somebody ! 1 Woman —
And a dozen and a half of cutlets and fried chops,
At a penny halfpenny a piece —
Xanthias [significantly] — There are pains and penalties
Impending —
1 Woman — And all the garlic : such a quantity
As he swallowed —
Bacchus [delivers this speech with Herculean dignity, after his fash
ion, having hitherto remained silent on the same principle] — Woman, you're beside yourself ;
You talk you know not what —
2 Woman — No, no! you reckoned
I should not know you again with them there buskins. 1 Woman —
Good lack ! and there was all that fish besides.
Indeed — with the pickle, and all — and the good green cheese That he gorged at once, with the rind, and the rush baskets ; And then, when I called for payment, he looked fierce,
And stared at me in the face, and grinned, and roared —
Xanthias —
Just like him ! That's the way wherever he goes.
1 Woman —
And snatched his sword out, and behaved like mad.
Xanthias —
Poor souls ! you suffered sadly !
1 Woman — Yes, indeed ;
And then we both ran off with the fright and terror, And scrambled into the loft beneath the roof ;
And he took up two rugs and stole them off.
Xanthias — — Just like him again
but something must be done. Go call me Cleon, he's my advocate.
2 Woman —
And Hyperbolus, if you meet him send him here. He's mine ; and we'll demolish him, I warrant.
1 Woman [going close up to Bacchus in the true attitude of rage
and defiance, with the arms akimbo, and a neck and chin thrust
out] —
How I should like to strike those ugly teeth out
With a good big stone, you ravenous greedy villain !
THE MOCK HERCULES.
64
2
1 Woman —
And I should like to rip that gullet out
With a reaping hook that swallowed all my tripe, And liver and lights, — but I'll fetch Cleon here, And he shall summon him. He shall settle him, And have it out with him this very day.
You gormandizing villain, that I should —
Yes, that I should ; your wicked ugly fangs
That have eaten up my substance, and devoured me.
Woman —
And I could toss you into the public pit
With the malefactors' carcasses ; that I could, With pleasure and satisfaction ; that I could.
[Exeunt 1st and 2d Woman. Bacchus [in a pretended soliloquy] —
I love poor Xanthias dearly, that I do;
I wish I might be hanged else.
Xanthias — Yes, I know —
I know your meaning — No ; no more of that,
I won't act Hercules
Bacchus — Now pray don't say so,
My little Xanthias.
Xanthias — How should I be Hercules ?
A mortal and a slave, a fellow like me ? Bacchus —
I know you're angry, and you've a right to be angry : And if you beat me for it I'd not complain ;
But if ever I strip you again, from this time forward, I wish I may be utterly confounded,
With my wife, my children, and my family,
And the blear-eyed Archedemus into the bargain. Xanthias —
agree, then, on that oath and those conditions.
2Eacus enters again as a vulgar executioner of the law, with suitable understrappers in attendance.
[JEacus is exhibited in the following scene as the ideal character of a perfect and accomplished bailiff and thief-taker, and is marked by traits which prove that the genus has remained unchanged in the two thousand years between the times of Aristophanes and Fielding. The true hardness of mind is most strik ingly apparent in those passages where he means to be civil and accommodating. Thus Foote has characterized his Miser by traits of miserly liberality. ]
JEacus —
Arrest me there that fellow that stole the dog. There ! — Pinion him ! — Quick !
I
THE MOCK HERCULES.
55
Bacchus [tauntingly to Xanthias] —There's somebody in a scrape.
Xanthias [in a menacing attitude] — Keep off, and be hanged.
JEacus — Oh, hoh ! do you mean to fight for it ? Here ! Pardokas, and Skeblias, and the rest of ye,
Make up to the rogue, and settle him. Come, be quick.
[A scuffle ensues, in which Xanthias succeeds in obliging jEacus's runners to keep their distance. ]
Bacchus [mortified at Xanthias's prowess] — — Well, is not this quite monstrous and outrageous
To steal the dog, and then to make an assault
In justification of it. —
Xanthias [triumphantly and ironically]
jSSacub [gravely, and dissembling his mortification] —
Quite outrageous 1
An aggravated case !
Xanthias [with candor and gallantry] — Well, now — by Jupiter,
May I die ; but I never saw this place before —
Nor ever stole the amount of a farthing from you :
Nor a hair of your dog's tail — But you shall see now, I'll settle all this business nobly and fairly.
— This slave of mine — you may take and torture him; And if you make out anything against me,
You may take and put me to death for aught I care.
JEacus [in an obliging tone, softened into deference and civility by the liberality of Xanthias's proposal] —
But which way would you please to have him tortured ? Xanthias [with a gentlemanly spirit of accommodation] —
In your own way — with . . . . the lash — with . . . . knots and screws,
With . . . . the common usual customary tortures.
With the rack — with . . . . the water torture — any way — With fire and vinegar — all sorts of ways.
[After a very slight pause. There's only one thing I should warn you of :
I must not have him treated like a child,
To be whipt with fennel, or with lettuce leaves. jSHacus —
That's fair — and if so be . . . . he's maimed or crippled
In any respect — the valy shall be paid you. Xanthias —
Oh no! —by no means ! not to me ! —by no means ! You must not mention it ! — Take him to the torture.
56
THE MOCK HERCULES.
jEacus —
It had better be here, and under your own eye.
Bacchus —
Come you
— [To Bacchus. put down your bundles and make ready.
And mind — let me hear no lies !
Bacchus — I'll tell you what :
I'd advise people not to torture me ;
I give you notice — I'm a deity.
So mind now — you'll have nobody to blame But your own self
jEacus —
Wnat's that you're saying there ? Why, that I'm Bacchus, Jupiter's own son:
[Pointing to Xanthias.
That fellow there's a slave.
JEacus [to Xanthias] — Xanthias —
Do you hear ?
I hear him — A reason the more to give him a good beating ;
If he's immortal, he need never mind it. Bacchus —
Why should not you be beat as well as I, then,
If you're immortal, as you say you are ? Xanthias — —
Agreed and him, the first that you see flinching, Or seeming to mind it at all, you may set him down For an impostor and no real deity. —
JEacus [to Xanthias, with warmth and cordiality]
Ah, you're a worthy gentleman, I'll be bound for't ;
You're all for the truth and the proof. Come — strip there,
both o' ye. Xanthias —
But how can ye put us to the question fairly,
Upon equal terms ?
dSacus [in the tone of a person proposing a convenient, agreeable
arrangement] — Oh, easily enough. Conveniently enough — a lash apiece,
Each in your turn : you can have 'em one by one.
Xanthias —
That's right [putting himself in an attitude to receive the blows].
Now mind if you see me flinch or swerve. jEacus [strikes him, but without producing any expression of
pain] — I've struck.
Xanthias — Not you ! ^Eacus —
Why, it seems as if I had not.
I'll smite this other fellow. [Strikes Bacchus.
THE MOCK HERCULES. 57
Bacchus [pretending not to feel] — When will you do it ?
[^Eacus perseveres, and applies his discipline alternately to Bacchus and Xanthias, and extorts from them various involuntary exclamations of pain, which they immediately account for, and justify in some ridiculous way. The passage cannot be translated literally, but an idea may be given of it. Suppose Bacchus to receive a blow, he exclaims —]
Oh dear ! [and immediately subjoins] companions of my youthful years —
Xanthias [to Macus] —
Did ye hear ? he made an outcry.
JEacus — Bacchus —
A favorite passage from Archilochus.
What was that ?
[Xanthias receives a blow, and exclaims] — — 0 Jupiter ! [and subjoins] that on the Idean height
[and contends that he has been repeating the first line of a
well-known hymn. ] — JEacus [at length gives the matter up]
Well, after all my pains, I'm quite at a loss
To discover which is the true, real deity.
By the Holy Goddess — I'm completely puzzled ; 1 must take you before Proserpine and Pluto : Being gods themselves, they're likeliest to know.
Bacchus —
Why, that's a lucky thought. I only wish It had happened to occur before you beat us.
Scene : Xanthias and ^Eaous.
[When two persons, perfectly strangers, are thrown together in a situation which makes it advisable for them to commence an immediate intimacy, they commonly begin by discovering a marvelous coincidence of taste and judgment upon all current topics. This observation, which is not wholly superfluous here, appears to have been so far trite and hackneyed in the time of Aristophanes as to allow of its being exemplified in a piece of very brief burlesque. Xanthias and jEacus are the strangers ; they discover immediately an uniformity of feel ing and sentiment upon the topics most familiar to them as slaves, and conclude by a sudden pledge of friendship. It is to be observed that, in the dialogue which follows, iEacus never departs from the high ground of superiority in point of local information. All his answers have a slight tinge of irony, as if he was saying, " Yes — much you know about it l "]
^Sacus —
By Jupiter ! but he's a gentleman, That master of yours.
Xanthias — A gentleman ! To be sure he is : Why, he does nothing but wench and drink.
58
THE MOCK HERCULES.
JEacus —
His never striking you when you took his name — Outfacing him and contradicting him ! —
Xanthias —
It might have been worse for him if he had.
jEacus —
Well, that's well spoken, like a true-bred slave. It's just the sort of language I delight in.
Xanthias —
You love excuses ?
jEacus —
Yes, but Iprefer Cursing my master quietly in private.
Xanthias —
Mischief you're fond of ?
What think ye of muttering as you leave the room After a beating ?
jEacus — Xanthias —
Very fond, indeed.
jEacus — Xanthias —
Why, that's pleasant, too.
By Jove, is it !
But listening at the door To hear their secrets ?
jEacus — Xanthias —
Oh, there's nothing like it.
And then the reporting them in the neighborhood. jEacus —
That's beyond everything. — That's quite ecstatic. Xanthias —
Well, give me your hand. And there, take mine — and buss me —
And there again — and now for Jupiter's sake ! — (For he's the patron of our cuffs and beatings)
Do tell me what's that noise of people quarreling And abusing one another there within ?
jEacus [as if to say, " You're a new man — we're used to this "] — iEschylus and Euripides only ! — —
Xanth ias— Heh ? ? ? jEacus —
Why, there's a desperate business has broke out
Among these here dead people; — quite a tumult. Xanthias —
As how ?
^Eacus — First, there's a custom we have established
In favor of professors of the arts.
When any one, the first in his own line,
Comes down amongst us here, he stands entitled
THE MOCK HERCULES. 69
To privilege and precedence, with a seat
At Pluto's royal board.
Xanthias — Iunderstand you. uEacus —
So he maintains till there comes better
Of the same sort, and then resigns Xanthias —
But why should iEschylus be disturbed at this jEacus —
He held the seat for tragedy, as the master
In that profession.
Xanthias — Well, and who's there now
JEacus —
He kept till Euripides appeared: But he collected audiences about him,
And flourished, and exhibited, and harangued Before the thieves, and housebreakers, and rogues, Cut-purses, cheats, and vagabonds, and villains, That made the mass of population here
— [Pointing to the audience. being quite transported and delighted
And they
With his equivocations and evasions, —
His subtleties and niceties and quibbles
In short — they raised an uproar, and declared him Arch-poet, by general acclamation.
And he with this grew proud and confident,
And laid claim to the seat where JSschylus sat.
Xanthias —
And did not he get pelted for his pains
jEacus [with the dry concise importance of superior local informa
tion] —
Why, no — the mob called out, and was carried,
To have public trial of skill between them. Xanthias —
You mean the mob of scoundrels that you mentioned jEacus —
Scoundrels indeed Ay, scoundrels without number. Xanthias —
But jEschylus must have had good friends and hearty ^Eacus —
Yes—but good men are scarce both here and elsewhere. Xanthias
Well, what has Pluto settled to be done jSSacus —
To have an examination and trial In public.
up.
a
;
!
it,
it ? ?
it a
?
?
a
a it a
;
? ?
60 THE MOCK HERCULES.
Xanthias — But how comes it ? — Sophocles ? — Why does not he put forth his claim amongst them ?
JEacus — — No, no!
—
I tell ye ; the first moment that he came,
He's not the kind of man
not he !
He went up to iEschylus and saluted him
And kissed his cheek and took his hand quite kindly ; And jEschylus edged a little from his seat
To give him room, so now the story goes
(At least I had it from Cleidemides) ;
He means to attend there as a stander-by,
Proposing to take up the conqueror ;
If iEschyhis gets the better, well and good,
He gives up his pretensions — but if not
He'll stand a trial, he says, against Euripides.
Xanthias —
There'll be strange doings.
^Eacus — That there will — and shortly — Here — in this place — strange things, I promise you ; A kind of thing that no man could have thought of ; Why, you'll see poetry weighed out and measured.
Xanthias —
What, will they bring their tragedies to the steelyards ?
JEacus — — Yes, will they
with their rules and compasses They'll measure, and examine, and compare,
And bring their plummets, and their lines and levels, To take the bearings — for Euripides
Says that he'll make a survey, word by word.
Xanthias —
JSschylus takes the thing to heart, I doubt.
JEacus —
He bent his brows and pored upon the ground ; I saw him.
Xanthias— Well, but who decides the business ? JEacus —
Why, there the difficulty lies — for judges,
True learned judges, are grown scarce, and JSschylus Objected to the Athenians absolutely.
Xanthias —
Considering them as rogues and villains mostly.
JEacms —
As being ignorant and empty generally;
And in their judgment of the stage particularly. In fine, they've fixed upon that master of yours, As having had some practice in the business.
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY. 61
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY. (Mainly from Diogenes Laertiua. ) Maxims of Pythagokas.
Do not stir the fire with a sword [roil the powerful].
Do not sit down on a bushel [idle in daily labor] .
Do not eat your heart [poison your life with envy] .
Do not help men to lay down burdens, but to bear heavier
ones.
Keep your bed packed up [be ready for misfortune].
Do not wear a god's image on a ring [trivialize sacred
things].
Efface the traces of a pot in the ashes [keep your private
affairs secret].
Do not wipe a seat with a lamp [use unsuitable or dangerous
means].
Do not walk in the main street [be independent in judgment].
Do not offer your right hand lightly.
Do not cherish swallows under your roof [? for fear those trying to smoke them out may fire the thatch : a warning against one-sided alliances? ]
Do not cherish birds with crooked talons [birds of prey]. Defile nothing.
Do not stand upon your nail parings or hair cuttings [sweep
away all traces of cast-off foibles ; make each advance in charac ter permanent].
Avoid a sharp sword [as dangerous to the owner as to the
foe].
When traveling, do not look back at your own borders
["let the dead past bury its dead"].
Aristipptts.
The tyrant Dionysius asked him why philosophers infest rich men's houses, not rich men philosophers' houses. Aristip pus answered, "Because philosophers know what they need and rich men don't. " " The same sneer being uttered at another time, he answered, Yes, and physicians infest sick men's houses; but nobody would be the patient rather than the doctor. "
62 GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
He once asked Dionysius for money. Dionysius replied, " I thought philosophers had no need of money. " " Give," said Aristippus, " and I will answer you. " Dionysius gave him some gold pieces. " Now" said Aristippus, " I have no need of money. "
Being censured for wasting money on costly food, he an swered, " If you could buy the same things for a dime, wouldn't you do it? " "Yes," was the reply. "Then," he said, "it is you that are stingy, not I that am a gourmet. "
In a storm on shipboard, he showed such fright that another passenger said to him, " We common people keep our heads ; it takes you philosophers to play coward. " "That is because we risk losing something more than such worthless lives as yours," was the reply.
Having vainly tried to gain Dionysius' consent to a request, he at last threw himself at the tyrant's feet, and was successful. On being reproached for so meanly humiliating himself, he re plied, " It is not my fault, but that of Dionysius, who carries his ears in his feet. "
He said he took his friends' money, not so much to use it himself as to teach them how to use it.
His capricious obedience now to lofty theoretic principles and now to self-indulgent practical action caused Plato to say to him, " You are the only one who can wear a sound cloak and a mass of rags at once. "
Bias.
He too was once overtaken by a storm on shipboard. Among his companions were some very bad characters, who began to call on the gods for help. Bias said, " Hold your tongues ; don't let them know you are on board ! "
An unprincipled man asked him what piety was. He made no answer ; and on being asked the reason for his silence, re plied, "Because you are inquiring about things you have no concern with. "
Being shown a temple where votive offerings were hung, from sailors who had been saved from shipwreck after prayers to the gods for help, he asked, "But where are the offerings from those who were drowned after praying for help? "
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
Diogenes.
68
Some one asked him why people gave money to beggars and would not give it to philosophers. He replied, " Because they think they are much more likely to become beggars than phi losophers themselves. "
Plato had denned man as a featherless biped. Diogenes picked the feathers off a chicken and brought it to Plato's school, saying, as he showed it, "This is one of Plato's men. "
Asked when people should marry, he said, "Young men,
not yet; old men, never. " " Asked the best hour to dine, he answered, when you like ; if you are poor, when you can. "
It being argued that there was no such thing as motion, he got on his feet and walked off.
Urged to be initiated into the religious mysteries for his good after death, he answered, " It is ridiculous to suppose Agesilaus and Epaminondas will stay in the dirt, and any scrub who has been initiated will live in the 'Islands of the Blest. '"
At a banquet of Plato's where there were costly carpets, Diogenes stamping on them remarked, "Thus I trample on Plato's pride" ; to which Plato retorted, "With equal pride. "
Being captured and put up for sale as a slave, when asked what he could do, he replied, " Govern men " ; and told the crier to announce that if any one wished to buy a master, here was a chance.
Being shown around the ostentatiously furnished house of a vulgar man, and asked not to spit on anything that would hurt, he spit in the owner's face ; and on being asked the rea son, replied, " Because I had to spit, and there was no other suitable place. "
Alexander the Great came to see him, when he was sitting in the sun, and asked if there was any favor he could do him. Diogenes replied, "Only to stand out of my sunshine. " Alex ander asking, " Are you not afraid of me ? " Diogenes replied, " Why, are you a calamity ? "
A profligate put the inscription above his door, " Let noth ing evil enter. " Said Diogenes to the master, "Where are you going to live ? "
He once went around with a lighted candle in daytime ; and on being asked the reason, answered, " I am looking for an honest man. "
If you are rich,
64 GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
At another time he called out, " Holloa, men " ; when they came, he beat them off with a stick, saying, " I called men, not scum. "
The bystanders once pitying his forlorn condition, Plato said, " If you want him to be really an object of pity, come away and don't notice him. "
Perdiccas threatened to put Diogenes to death" for not coming to him when ordered. Diogenes answered, A scor pion could do as much : a real threat would be that you would be very happy if I stayed away. "
He said that an ignorant rich man was like a sheep with a golden fleece (a temptation to shear him).
He praised a bad harp player on the ground that at least he took to harp playing instead of stealing.
Being taunted, " The people of Sinope condemned you to banishment," he answered, "And I condemned them to remain in Sinope. " Heine copied this when, after telling of the bad ends his early betes noire had come to, he closed, "and Professor is still a professor at Gottingen. "
He asked for a public statue, and explained later that he
was practicing how to bear disappointment. " To a man of whom he was begging, he said,
If you have ever given to any one, give to me too ; if not, then begin with
me.
He said Dionysius treated his friends like bags : he hung
up the full ones and threw away the empty ones.
Seeing a ruined profligate making a meal of a few olives, he said to him, " If you had dined so, you would not be supping
80. "
He said a flatterer's speech was like a honeyed halter. Asked what wine he liked best, he said, " Another man's. " Advised to search for his runaway slave, he said, " It is
absurd if my slave can live without me and I can't without him. "
A man reproaching him with previous bad conduct, he replied, " Yes, there was a time when I was like you ; but there never was and never will be one when you are like me. "
Censured for eating in the streets, he replied, "Why, it was there I got hungry. "
When told, " People laugh at you," he replied, " And very likely the asses laugh at them : and both of us pay the same attention to it. "
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
65
He said debauchees were like figs growing on a precipice : the fruit cannot be gathered by men, but only by crows and vultures.
He was the first to call himself a citizen of the world.
Hearing a handsome youth talking nonsense, he said, " Aren't you ashamed to draw a leaden sword out of an ivory scabbard ? " He begged a mina ($20) of a spendthrift, instead of the usual obol (penny). Asked his reason, he said, "I can get
something from the rest another time. "
Listening to two men quibbling over an alleged theft, in
stead of talking straightforwardly, he said they were evidently both guilty : the first was lying when he said he had lost the article, the second when he said he had not stolen it.
Seeing an unskillful archer shooting, he went and sat down by the target.
He said education was good behavior to the young, comfort to the old, riches to the poor, and decoration to the rich.
Antisthenes.
He counseled the Athenians to vote that asses were horses. On their protesting that it was absurd, he rejoined, " But you
make generals the same way. " " Told that Plato spoke ill of him, he said,
It is a royal
privilege to do well and be slandered. "
Jeered at as not the son of free citizens, he said, "And
I am not the son of good wrestlers ; but I can beat you at wrestling. "
He said that envious people were disarmed by their own dispositions, as iron is by rust.
Asked the most needful branch of learning, he said it was to unlearn one's bad habits.
Miscellanea.
Aristotle, being told that some one had slandered him in his absence, replied, " He may beat me too — in my absence. "
Asked why we linger around beautiful things, he answered, "That is a blind man's question. "
" Theophrastus said to a man who kept silence at a symposium,
If you don't know anything, you are acting wisely j if you do,
you are acting foolishly," VOL. IV. 5
66 GllEEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
Demetrius, told that the Athenians had pulled down his statues, answered. " But not my virtues, which they set them up for. "
He said young men ought to show respect to their parents at home, to the public in public, to themselves when alone.
He said that men ought to visit prosperous friends when invited, distressed ones of their own accord.
Alexander the Great ordering the Greek cities to proclaim him a god, the Spartans gave out the decree, " If Alexander
wishes to be a god, let him be a god. " " When Phocion was applauded by the crowd, he said,
What
bad action have I done now ? "
Zeno taught the doctrine of foreordination. One of his ser
vants, "caught in a theft, said, " It was fated that I should steal ; Zeno replied, " Yes, and that you should be beaten for
it. "
He said a friend was another I.
Asked why he never corrected a certain one of his pupils,
he answered, " Because there is nothing to be made of him. " Lacydes, sent for by Attalus, replied, " Statues ought to be
seen at a distance. "
Some one sneering at his studying geometry late in life, and
asking, " Is this a time to be studying ? " he replied, " If it isn't now, when will it be ? " So Diogenes, when he was told, "You ought to rest in your old age," replied, "If I had run a race to reach the goal, should I stop instead of pressing on? "
Bion, blamed for failure to keep a pupil interested, said, "You can't draw up cheese with a hook till it is hard. "
(Collected by Lord Bacon. )
Agesilaus was told that there was a man who could imi tate the nightingale to perfection. " Why," he said, " I have heard the nightingale herself. "
Themistocles, when the representative of a slender estate put on a lofty tone, said, " Friend, your words would require a whole state to back them up. "
Demosthenes was taunted by -iEschines that his speeches smelt of the lamp. "Yes," he answered, "there is a vast difference between what you and I do by lamplight. "
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
67
Alexander the Great had great offers made him by Darius of Persia after the battle of Issus, if he would retire from Per sia. One of his generals, Parmenio, said, " I would accept them if I were Alexander. " Alexander replied, " So would I if I were Parmenio. "
His father Philip wished him to compete in the foot race at the Olympian Games. He said he would if he could have kings for competitors.
Philip of Macedon was advised to banish a nobleman for speaking ill of him. He replied, "Better have him speak where we are both known than where we are both unknown. "
During the trial of a certain prisoner Philip was drowsy with drink, and at the end sentenced the accused to death. The prisoner said, " I appeal. " Philip, rousing up, asked, " To whom ? " The prisoner answered, " From Philip drunk to Philip sober. "
After the battle of Chaeronea, he sent triumphant letters to Archidamus, king of Sparta. Archidamus wrote back that if he measured his shadow he would find it no longer than before.
He was once peremptorily disputing some technical point with a musician. The latter said, " Sire, God forbid you should have had such hard fortunes as to learn these things better than I. "
He refused to hear an old woman's petition because he had no time. She replied, "Then quit being king. "
When Croesus, the Lydian king, showed Solon his vast treasures, Solon said, " If some one attacks you that has better iron than you, he will have all this gold himself. " Croesus was in fact conquered by Cyrus.
Was there ever in heaven or earth such a coward ? Bacchus— Me ?
A coward ! Did not I show my presence of mind — And call for a sponge and water in a moment ? Would a coward have done that ?
Xanthias — What else would he do ? Bacchus —
He'd have lain there like a nasty coward ;
But I jumped up at once, like a lusty wrestler, And looked about, and wiped myself, withal.
Xanthias —
Most manfully done !
By Jove, and I think it was ;
Bacchus —
But tell me, weren't you frightened with that speech ? — Such horrible expressions ! —
Xanthias [coolly, but with conscious and intentional coolness] No, not I; I took no notice
Bacchus — Well, I'll tell you what, Since you're such a valiant-spirited kind of fellow —
Do you be me — with the club and the lion skin,
Now you're in this courageous temper of mind ;
And I'll go take my turn and carry the bundles. Xanthias —
Well — give us hold — I must honor you forsooth; Make haste [he changes his dress] : and now behold the
Xanthian Hercules,
And mind if I don't display more heart and spirit.
Bacchus — .
Indeed and you look the character completely.
Enter Proserpine's Servant Maid (a kind of Dame Quickly), who immediately addresses Xanthias.
Dear Hercules. Well, you're come at last. Come in, For the goddess, as soon as she heard of set to work, Baking peck loaves and frying stacks of pancakes,
And making messes of furmety; there's an ox
it,
52 THE MOCK HERCULES.
Besides, she has roasted whole, with a relishing stuffing,
If you'll only just step in this way.
Xanthias [with dignity and reserve] — I thank you,
I'm equally obliged.
Servant Maid — No, no, by Jupiter !
We must not let you off, indeed. There's wild fowl And sweetmeats for the dessert, and the best of wine ; Only walk in.
Xanthias [as before] — I thank you. You'll excuse me. Servant Maid — No, no, we can't excuse you, indeed we can't;
There are dancing and singing girls besides.
Xanthias [with dissembled emotion] — What ! dancers ? Servant Maid —
Yes, that there are ; the sweetest, charmingest things that evei you saw—and there's the cook this moment
Is dishing up the dinner. —
Xanthias (with an air of lofty condescension)
Go before, then, And tell the girls — those singing girls you mentioned —
To prepare for my approach in person presently.
[ To Bacchus] — You, sirrah ! follow behind me with the bundles. Bacchus —
Holloh, you ! what, do you take the thing in earnest, Because, for a joke, I drest you up like Hercules?
—
[Xanthias continues to gesticulate as Hercules. Come, don't stand fooling, Xanthias. You'll provoke me.
There, carry the bundles, sirrah, when I bid you. Xanthias [relapsing at once into his natural air] —
Why, sure ? do you mean to take the things away
That you gave me yourself of your own accord this instant ?
Bacchus —
I never mean a thing ;
Let go of the lion's skin directly, I tell you.
I
do it at once.
Xanthias [resigning his heroical insignia with a tragical air and To you, just Gods, I make my last appeal,
Bear witness !
tone]
Bacchus — What ! the Gods ? — do you think they mind you ? How could you take it in your head, I wonder —
Such a foolish fancy for a fellow like you,
A mortal and a slave, to pass for Hercules ?
Xanthias — —
There. Take them.
You may come to want my help some time or other.
There
— — [God you may have them but please
Enter Two Women, Sutlers or Keepers of an Eating House.
1 Woman —
What, Platana ! Goody Platana ! there ! that's he,
THE MOCK HERCULES. 53
The fellow that robs and cheats poor victualers ;
That came to our house and eat those nineteen loaves. 2 Woman —
Ay, sure enough that's he, the very man. Xanthias [tauntingly to Bacchus] —
There's mischief in the wind for somebody ! 1 Woman —
And a dozen and a half of cutlets and fried chops,
At a penny halfpenny a piece —
Xanthias [significantly] — There are pains and penalties
Impending —
1 Woman — And all the garlic : such a quantity
As he swallowed —
Bacchus [delivers this speech with Herculean dignity, after his fash
ion, having hitherto remained silent on the same principle] — Woman, you're beside yourself ;
You talk you know not what —
2 Woman — No, no! you reckoned
I should not know you again with them there buskins. 1 Woman —
Good lack ! and there was all that fish besides.
Indeed — with the pickle, and all — and the good green cheese That he gorged at once, with the rind, and the rush baskets ; And then, when I called for payment, he looked fierce,
And stared at me in the face, and grinned, and roared —
Xanthias —
Just like him ! That's the way wherever he goes.
1 Woman —
And snatched his sword out, and behaved like mad.
Xanthias —
Poor souls ! you suffered sadly !
1 Woman — Yes, indeed ;
And then we both ran off with the fright and terror, And scrambled into the loft beneath the roof ;
And he took up two rugs and stole them off.
Xanthias — — Just like him again
but something must be done. Go call me Cleon, he's my advocate.
2 Woman —
And Hyperbolus, if you meet him send him here. He's mine ; and we'll demolish him, I warrant.
1 Woman [going close up to Bacchus in the true attitude of rage
and defiance, with the arms akimbo, and a neck and chin thrust
out] —
How I should like to strike those ugly teeth out
With a good big stone, you ravenous greedy villain !
THE MOCK HERCULES.
64
2
1 Woman —
And I should like to rip that gullet out
With a reaping hook that swallowed all my tripe, And liver and lights, — but I'll fetch Cleon here, And he shall summon him. He shall settle him, And have it out with him this very day.
You gormandizing villain, that I should —
Yes, that I should ; your wicked ugly fangs
That have eaten up my substance, and devoured me.
Woman —
And I could toss you into the public pit
With the malefactors' carcasses ; that I could, With pleasure and satisfaction ; that I could.
[Exeunt 1st and 2d Woman. Bacchus [in a pretended soliloquy] —
I love poor Xanthias dearly, that I do;
I wish I might be hanged else.
Xanthias — Yes, I know —
I know your meaning — No ; no more of that,
I won't act Hercules
Bacchus — Now pray don't say so,
My little Xanthias.
Xanthias — How should I be Hercules ?
A mortal and a slave, a fellow like me ? Bacchus —
I know you're angry, and you've a right to be angry : And if you beat me for it I'd not complain ;
But if ever I strip you again, from this time forward, I wish I may be utterly confounded,
With my wife, my children, and my family,
And the blear-eyed Archedemus into the bargain. Xanthias —
agree, then, on that oath and those conditions.
2Eacus enters again as a vulgar executioner of the law, with suitable understrappers in attendance.
[JEacus is exhibited in the following scene as the ideal character of a perfect and accomplished bailiff and thief-taker, and is marked by traits which prove that the genus has remained unchanged in the two thousand years between the times of Aristophanes and Fielding. The true hardness of mind is most strik ingly apparent in those passages where he means to be civil and accommodating. Thus Foote has characterized his Miser by traits of miserly liberality. ]
JEacus —
Arrest me there that fellow that stole the dog. There ! — Pinion him ! — Quick !
I
THE MOCK HERCULES.
55
Bacchus [tauntingly to Xanthias] —There's somebody in a scrape.
Xanthias [in a menacing attitude] — Keep off, and be hanged.
JEacus — Oh, hoh ! do you mean to fight for it ? Here ! Pardokas, and Skeblias, and the rest of ye,
Make up to the rogue, and settle him. Come, be quick.
[A scuffle ensues, in which Xanthias succeeds in obliging jEacus's runners to keep their distance. ]
Bacchus [mortified at Xanthias's prowess] — — Well, is not this quite monstrous and outrageous
To steal the dog, and then to make an assault
In justification of it. —
Xanthias [triumphantly and ironically]
jSSacub [gravely, and dissembling his mortification] —
Quite outrageous 1
An aggravated case !
Xanthias [with candor and gallantry] — Well, now — by Jupiter,
May I die ; but I never saw this place before —
Nor ever stole the amount of a farthing from you :
Nor a hair of your dog's tail — But you shall see now, I'll settle all this business nobly and fairly.
— This slave of mine — you may take and torture him; And if you make out anything against me,
You may take and put me to death for aught I care.
JEacus [in an obliging tone, softened into deference and civility by the liberality of Xanthias's proposal] —
But which way would you please to have him tortured ? Xanthias [with a gentlemanly spirit of accommodation] —
In your own way — with . . . . the lash — with . . . . knots and screws,
With . . . . the common usual customary tortures.
With the rack — with . . . . the water torture — any way — With fire and vinegar — all sorts of ways.
[After a very slight pause. There's only one thing I should warn you of :
I must not have him treated like a child,
To be whipt with fennel, or with lettuce leaves. jSHacus —
That's fair — and if so be . . . . he's maimed or crippled
In any respect — the valy shall be paid you. Xanthias —
Oh no! —by no means ! not to me ! —by no means ! You must not mention it ! — Take him to the torture.
56
THE MOCK HERCULES.
jEacus —
It had better be here, and under your own eye.
Bacchus —
Come you
— [To Bacchus. put down your bundles and make ready.
And mind — let me hear no lies !
Bacchus — I'll tell you what :
I'd advise people not to torture me ;
I give you notice — I'm a deity.
So mind now — you'll have nobody to blame But your own self
jEacus —
Wnat's that you're saying there ? Why, that I'm Bacchus, Jupiter's own son:
[Pointing to Xanthias.
That fellow there's a slave.
JEacus [to Xanthias] — Xanthias —
Do you hear ?
I hear him — A reason the more to give him a good beating ;
If he's immortal, he need never mind it. Bacchus —
Why should not you be beat as well as I, then,
If you're immortal, as you say you are ? Xanthias — —
Agreed and him, the first that you see flinching, Or seeming to mind it at all, you may set him down For an impostor and no real deity. —
JEacus [to Xanthias, with warmth and cordiality]
Ah, you're a worthy gentleman, I'll be bound for't ;
You're all for the truth and the proof. Come — strip there,
both o' ye. Xanthias —
But how can ye put us to the question fairly,
Upon equal terms ?
dSacus [in the tone of a person proposing a convenient, agreeable
arrangement] — Oh, easily enough. Conveniently enough — a lash apiece,
Each in your turn : you can have 'em one by one.
Xanthias —
That's right [putting himself in an attitude to receive the blows].
Now mind if you see me flinch or swerve. jEacus [strikes him, but without producing any expression of
pain] — I've struck.
Xanthias — Not you ! ^Eacus —
Why, it seems as if I had not.
I'll smite this other fellow. [Strikes Bacchus.
THE MOCK HERCULES. 57
Bacchus [pretending not to feel] — When will you do it ?
[^Eacus perseveres, and applies his discipline alternately to Bacchus and Xanthias, and extorts from them various involuntary exclamations of pain, which they immediately account for, and justify in some ridiculous way. The passage cannot be translated literally, but an idea may be given of it. Suppose Bacchus to receive a blow, he exclaims —]
Oh dear ! [and immediately subjoins] companions of my youthful years —
Xanthias [to Macus] —
Did ye hear ? he made an outcry.
JEacus — Bacchus —
A favorite passage from Archilochus.
What was that ?
[Xanthias receives a blow, and exclaims] — — 0 Jupiter ! [and subjoins] that on the Idean height
[and contends that he has been repeating the first line of a
well-known hymn. ] — JEacus [at length gives the matter up]
Well, after all my pains, I'm quite at a loss
To discover which is the true, real deity.
By the Holy Goddess — I'm completely puzzled ; 1 must take you before Proserpine and Pluto : Being gods themselves, they're likeliest to know.
Bacchus —
Why, that's a lucky thought. I only wish It had happened to occur before you beat us.
Scene : Xanthias and ^Eaous.
[When two persons, perfectly strangers, are thrown together in a situation which makes it advisable for them to commence an immediate intimacy, they commonly begin by discovering a marvelous coincidence of taste and judgment upon all current topics. This observation, which is not wholly superfluous here, appears to have been so far trite and hackneyed in the time of Aristophanes as to allow of its being exemplified in a piece of very brief burlesque. Xanthias and jEacus are the strangers ; they discover immediately an uniformity of feel ing and sentiment upon the topics most familiar to them as slaves, and conclude by a sudden pledge of friendship. It is to be observed that, in the dialogue which follows, iEacus never departs from the high ground of superiority in point of local information. All his answers have a slight tinge of irony, as if he was saying, " Yes — much you know about it l "]
^Sacus —
By Jupiter ! but he's a gentleman, That master of yours.
Xanthias — A gentleman ! To be sure he is : Why, he does nothing but wench and drink.
58
THE MOCK HERCULES.
JEacus —
His never striking you when you took his name — Outfacing him and contradicting him ! —
Xanthias —
It might have been worse for him if he had.
jEacus —
Well, that's well spoken, like a true-bred slave. It's just the sort of language I delight in.
Xanthias —
You love excuses ?
jEacus —
Yes, but Iprefer Cursing my master quietly in private.
Xanthias —
Mischief you're fond of ?
What think ye of muttering as you leave the room After a beating ?
jEacus — Xanthias —
Very fond, indeed.
jEacus — Xanthias —
Why, that's pleasant, too.
By Jove, is it !
But listening at the door To hear their secrets ?
jEacus — Xanthias —
Oh, there's nothing like it.
And then the reporting them in the neighborhood. jEacus —
That's beyond everything. — That's quite ecstatic. Xanthias —
Well, give me your hand. And there, take mine — and buss me —
And there again — and now for Jupiter's sake ! — (For he's the patron of our cuffs and beatings)
Do tell me what's that noise of people quarreling And abusing one another there within ?
jEacus [as if to say, " You're a new man — we're used to this "] — iEschylus and Euripides only ! — —
Xanth ias— Heh ? ? ? jEacus —
Why, there's a desperate business has broke out
Among these here dead people; — quite a tumult. Xanthias —
As how ?
^Eacus — First, there's a custom we have established
In favor of professors of the arts.
When any one, the first in his own line,
Comes down amongst us here, he stands entitled
THE MOCK HERCULES. 69
To privilege and precedence, with a seat
At Pluto's royal board.
Xanthias — Iunderstand you. uEacus —
So he maintains till there comes better
Of the same sort, and then resigns Xanthias —
But why should iEschylus be disturbed at this jEacus —
He held the seat for tragedy, as the master
In that profession.
Xanthias — Well, and who's there now
JEacus —
He kept till Euripides appeared: But he collected audiences about him,
And flourished, and exhibited, and harangued Before the thieves, and housebreakers, and rogues, Cut-purses, cheats, and vagabonds, and villains, That made the mass of population here
— [Pointing to the audience. being quite transported and delighted
And they
With his equivocations and evasions, —
His subtleties and niceties and quibbles
In short — they raised an uproar, and declared him Arch-poet, by general acclamation.
And he with this grew proud and confident,
And laid claim to the seat where JSschylus sat.
Xanthias —
And did not he get pelted for his pains
jEacus [with the dry concise importance of superior local informa
tion] —
Why, no — the mob called out, and was carried,
To have public trial of skill between them. Xanthias —
You mean the mob of scoundrels that you mentioned jEacus —
Scoundrels indeed Ay, scoundrels without number. Xanthias —
But jEschylus must have had good friends and hearty ^Eacus —
Yes—but good men are scarce both here and elsewhere. Xanthias
Well, what has Pluto settled to be done jSSacus —
To have an examination and trial In public.
up.
a
;
!
it,
it ? ?
it a
?
?
a
a it a
;
? ?
60 THE MOCK HERCULES.
Xanthias — But how comes it ? — Sophocles ? — Why does not he put forth his claim amongst them ?
JEacus — — No, no!
—
I tell ye ; the first moment that he came,
He's not the kind of man
not he !
He went up to iEschylus and saluted him
And kissed his cheek and took his hand quite kindly ; And jEschylus edged a little from his seat
To give him room, so now the story goes
(At least I had it from Cleidemides) ;
He means to attend there as a stander-by,
Proposing to take up the conqueror ;
If iEschyhis gets the better, well and good,
He gives up his pretensions — but if not
He'll stand a trial, he says, against Euripides.
Xanthias —
There'll be strange doings.
^Eacus — That there will — and shortly — Here — in this place — strange things, I promise you ; A kind of thing that no man could have thought of ; Why, you'll see poetry weighed out and measured.
Xanthias —
What, will they bring their tragedies to the steelyards ?
JEacus — — Yes, will they
with their rules and compasses They'll measure, and examine, and compare,
And bring their plummets, and their lines and levels, To take the bearings — for Euripides
Says that he'll make a survey, word by word.
Xanthias —
JSschylus takes the thing to heart, I doubt.
JEacus —
He bent his brows and pored upon the ground ; I saw him.
Xanthias— Well, but who decides the business ? JEacus —
Why, there the difficulty lies — for judges,
True learned judges, are grown scarce, and JSschylus Objected to the Athenians absolutely.
Xanthias —
Considering them as rogues and villains mostly.
JEacms —
As being ignorant and empty generally;
And in their judgment of the stage particularly. In fine, they've fixed upon that master of yours, As having had some practice in the business.
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY. 61
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY. (Mainly from Diogenes Laertiua. ) Maxims of Pythagokas.
Do not stir the fire with a sword [roil the powerful].
Do not sit down on a bushel [idle in daily labor] .
Do not eat your heart [poison your life with envy] .
Do not help men to lay down burdens, but to bear heavier
ones.
Keep your bed packed up [be ready for misfortune].
Do not wear a god's image on a ring [trivialize sacred
things].
Efface the traces of a pot in the ashes [keep your private
affairs secret].
Do not wipe a seat with a lamp [use unsuitable or dangerous
means].
Do not walk in the main street [be independent in judgment].
Do not offer your right hand lightly.
Do not cherish swallows under your roof [? for fear those trying to smoke them out may fire the thatch : a warning against one-sided alliances? ]
Do not cherish birds with crooked talons [birds of prey]. Defile nothing.
Do not stand upon your nail parings or hair cuttings [sweep
away all traces of cast-off foibles ; make each advance in charac ter permanent].
Avoid a sharp sword [as dangerous to the owner as to the
foe].
When traveling, do not look back at your own borders
["let the dead past bury its dead"].
Aristipptts.
The tyrant Dionysius asked him why philosophers infest rich men's houses, not rich men philosophers' houses. Aristip pus answered, "Because philosophers know what they need and rich men don't. " " The same sneer being uttered at another time, he answered, Yes, and physicians infest sick men's houses; but nobody would be the patient rather than the doctor. "
62 GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
He once asked Dionysius for money. Dionysius replied, " I thought philosophers had no need of money. " " Give," said Aristippus, " and I will answer you. " Dionysius gave him some gold pieces. " Now" said Aristippus, " I have no need of money. "
Being censured for wasting money on costly food, he an swered, " If you could buy the same things for a dime, wouldn't you do it? " "Yes," was the reply. "Then," he said, "it is you that are stingy, not I that am a gourmet. "
In a storm on shipboard, he showed such fright that another passenger said to him, " We common people keep our heads ; it takes you philosophers to play coward. " "That is because we risk losing something more than such worthless lives as yours," was the reply.
Having vainly tried to gain Dionysius' consent to a request, he at last threw himself at the tyrant's feet, and was successful. On being reproached for so meanly humiliating himself, he re plied, " It is not my fault, but that of Dionysius, who carries his ears in his feet. "
He said he took his friends' money, not so much to use it himself as to teach them how to use it.
His capricious obedience now to lofty theoretic principles and now to self-indulgent practical action caused Plato to say to him, " You are the only one who can wear a sound cloak and a mass of rags at once. "
Bias.
He too was once overtaken by a storm on shipboard. Among his companions were some very bad characters, who began to call on the gods for help. Bias said, " Hold your tongues ; don't let them know you are on board ! "
An unprincipled man asked him what piety was. He made no answer ; and on being asked the reason for his silence, re plied, "Because you are inquiring about things you have no concern with. "
Being shown a temple where votive offerings were hung, from sailors who had been saved from shipwreck after prayers to the gods for help, he asked, "But where are the offerings from those who were drowned after praying for help? "
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
Diogenes.
68
Some one asked him why people gave money to beggars and would not give it to philosophers. He replied, " Because they think they are much more likely to become beggars than phi losophers themselves. "
Plato had denned man as a featherless biped. Diogenes picked the feathers off a chicken and brought it to Plato's school, saying, as he showed it, "This is one of Plato's men. "
Asked when people should marry, he said, "Young men,
not yet; old men, never. " " Asked the best hour to dine, he answered, when you like ; if you are poor, when you can. "
It being argued that there was no such thing as motion, he got on his feet and walked off.
Urged to be initiated into the religious mysteries for his good after death, he answered, " It is ridiculous to suppose Agesilaus and Epaminondas will stay in the dirt, and any scrub who has been initiated will live in the 'Islands of the Blest. '"
At a banquet of Plato's where there were costly carpets, Diogenes stamping on them remarked, "Thus I trample on Plato's pride" ; to which Plato retorted, "With equal pride. "
Being captured and put up for sale as a slave, when asked what he could do, he replied, " Govern men " ; and told the crier to announce that if any one wished to buy a master, here was a chance.
Being shown around the ostentatiously furnished house of a vulgar man, and asked not to spit on anything that would hurt, he spit in the owner's face ; and on being asked the rea son, replied, " Because I had to spit, and there was no other suitable place. "
Alexander the Great came to see him, when he was sitting in the sun, and asked if there was any favor he could do him. Diogenes replied, "Only to stand out of my sunshine. " Alex ander asking, " Are you not afraid of me ? " Diogenes replied, " Why, are you a calamity ? "
A profligate put the inscription above his door, " Let noth ing evil enter. " Said Diogenes to the master, "Where are you going to live ? "
He once went around with a lighted candle in daytime ; and on being asked the reason, answered, " I am looking for an honest man. "
If you are rich,
64 GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
At another time he called out, " Holloa, men " ; when they came, he beat them off with a stick, saying, " I called men, not scum. "
The bystanders once pitying his forlorn condition, Plato said, " If you want him to be really an object of pity, come away and don't notice him. "
Perdiccas threatened to put Diogenes to death" for not coming to him when ordered. Diogenes answered, A scor pion could do as much : a real threat would be that you would be very happy if I stayed away. "
He said that an ignorant rich man was like a sheep with a golden fleece (a temptation to shear him).
He praised a bad harp player on the ground that at least he took to harp playing instead of stealing.
Being taunted, " The people of Sinope condemned you to banishment," he answered, "And I condemned them to remain in Sinope. " Heine copied this when, after telling of the bad ends his early betes noire had come to, he closed, "and Professor is still a professor at Gottingen. "
He asked for a public statue, and explained later that he
was practicing how to bear disappointment. " To a man of whom he was begging, he said,
If you have ever given to any one, give to me too ; if not, then begin with
me.
He said Dionysius treated his friends like bags : he hung
up the full ones and threw away the empty ones.
Seeing a ruined profligate making a meal of a few olives, he said to him, " If you had dined so, you would not be supping
80. "
He said a flatterer's speech was like a honeyed halter. Asked what wine he liked best, he said, " Another man's. " Advised to search for his runaway slave, he said, " It is
absurd if my slave can live without me and I can't without him. "
A man reproaching him with previous bad conduct, he replied, " Yes, there was a time when I was like you ; but there never was and never will be one when you are like me. "
Censured for eating in the streets, he replied, "Why, it was there I got hungry. "
When told, " People laugh at you," he replied, " And very likely the asses laugh at them : and both of us pay the same attention to it. "
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He said debauchees were like figs growing on a precipice : the fruit cannot be gathered by men, but only by crows and vultures.
He was the first to call himself a citizen of the world.
Hearing a handsome youth talking nonsense, he said, " Aren't you ashamed to draw a leaden sword out of an ivory scabbard ? " He begged a mina ($20) of a spendthrift, instead of the usual obol (penny). Asked his reason, he said, "I can get
something from the rest another time. "
Listening to two men quibbling over an alleged theft, in
stead of talking straightforwardly, he said they were evidently both guilty : the first was lying when he said he had lost the article, the second when he said he had not stolen it.
Seeing an unskillful archer shooting, he went and sat down by the target.
He said education was good behavior to the young, comfort to the old, riches to the poor, and decoration to the rich.
Antisthenes.
He counseled the Athenians to vote that asses were horses. On their protesting that it was absurd, he rejoined, " But you
make generals the same way. " " Told that Plato spoke ill of him, he said,
It is a royal
privilege to do well and be slandered. "
Jeered at as not the son of free citizens, he said, "And
I am not the son of good wrestlers ; but I can beat you at wrestling. "
He said that envious people were disarmed by their own dispositions, as iron is by rust.
Asked the most needful branch of learning, he said it was to unlearn one's bad habits.
Miscellanea.
Aristotle, being told that some one had slandered him in his absence, replied, " He may beat me too — in my absence. "
Asked why we linger around beautiful things, he answered, "That is a blind man's question. "
" Theophrastus said to a man who kept silence at a symposium,
If you don't know anything, you are acting wisely j if you do,
you are acting foolishly," VOL. IV. 5
66 GllEEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
Demetrius, told that the Athenians had pulled down his statues, answered. " But not my virtues, which they set them up for. "
He said young men ought to show respect to their parents at home, to the public in public, to themselves when alone.
He said that men ought to visit prosperous friends when invited, distressed ones of their own accord.
Alexander the Great ordering the Greek cities to proclaim him a god, the Spartans gave out the decree, " If Alexander
wishes to be a god, let him be a god. " " When Phocion was applauded by the crowd, he said,
What
bad action have I done now ? "
Zeno taught the doctrine of foreordination. One of his ser
vants, "caught in a theft, said, " It was fated that I should steal ; Zeno replied, " Yes, and that you should be beaten for
it. "
He said a friend was another I.
Asked why he never corrected a certain one of his pupils,
he answered, " Because there is nothing to be made of him. " Lacydes, sent for by Attalus, replied, " Statues ought to be
seen at a distance. "
Some one sneering at his studying geometry late in life, and
asking, " Is this a time to be studying ? " he replied, " If it isn't now, when will it be ? " So Diogenes, when he was told, "You ought to rest in your old age," replied, "If I had run a race to reach the goal, should I stop instead of pressing on? "
Bion, blamed for failure to keep a pupil interested, said, "You can't draw up cheese with a hook till it is hard. "
(Collected by Lord Bacon. )
Agesilaus was told that there was a man who could imi tate the nightingale to perfection. " Why," he said, " I have heard the nightingale herself. "
Themistocles, when the representative of a slender estate put on a lofty tone, said, " Friend, your words would require a whole state to back them up. "
Demosthenes was taunted by -iEschines that his speeches smelt of the lamp. "Yes," he answered, "there is a vast difference between what you and I do by lamplight. "
GREEK WIT AND PHILOSOPHY.
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Alexander the Great had great offers made him by Darius of Persia after the battle of Issus, if he would retire from Per sia. One of his generals, Parmenio, said, " I would accept them if I were Alexander. " Alexander replied, " So would I if I were Parmenio. "
His father Philip wished him to compete in the foot race at the Olympian Games. He said he would if he could have kings for competitors.
Philip of Macedon was advised to banish a nobleman for speaking ill of him. He replied, "Better have him speak where we are both known than where we are both unknown. "
During the trial of a certain prisoner Philip was drowsy with drink, and at the end sentenced the accused to death. The prisoner said, " I appeal. " Philip, rousing up, asked, " To whom ? " The prisoner answered, " From Philip drunk to Philip sober. "
After the battle of Chaeronea, he sent triumphant letters to Archidamus, king of Sparta. Archidamus wrote back that if he measured his shadow he would find it no longer than before.
He was once peremptorily disputing some technical point with a musician. The latter said, " Sire, God forbid you should have had such hard fortunes as to learn these things better than I. "
He refused to hear an old woman's petition because he had no time. She replied, "Then quit being king. "
When Croesus, the Lydian king, showed Solon his vast treasures, Solon said, " If some one attacks you that has better iron than you, he will have all this gold himself. " Croesus was in fact conquered by Cyrus.
