No More Learning

One has
thrown himself headlong from the top of a house; another has been
whipped almost to death: a third, in his flight, has fallen into a
merciless gang of thieves: another has paid a fine, [to avoid] corporal
[punishment]: the lowest servants have treated another with the vilest
indignities. Moreover, this misfortune happened to a certain person, he
entirely lost his manhood. Every body said, it was with justice: Galba
denied it.

But how much safer is the traffic among [women] of the second rate! I
mean the freed-women: after which Sallustius is not less mad, than he
who commits adultery. But if he had a mind to be good and generous, as
far as his estate and reason would direct him, and as far as a man might
be liberal with moderation; he would give a sufficiency, not what would
bring upon himself ruin and infamy. However, he hugs himself in this one
[consideration]; this he delights in, this he extols: "I meddle with no
matron. " Just as Marsaeus, the lover of Origo, he who gives his paternal
estate and seat to an actress, says, "I never meddle with other men's
wives. " But you have with actresses, you have with common strumpets:
whence your reputation derives a greater perdition, than your estate.
What, is it abundantly sufficient to avoid the person, and not the
[vice] which is universally noxious? To lose one's good name, to
squander a father's effects, is in all cases an evil. What is the
difference [then, with regard to yourself,] whether you sin with the
person of a matron, a maiden, or a prostitute?

Villius, the son-in-law of Sylla (by this title alone he was misled),
suffered [for his commerce] with Fausta, an adequate and more than
adequate punishment, by being drubbed and stabbed, while he was shut
out, that Longarenus might enjoy her within. Suppose this [young man's]
mind had addressed him in the words of his appetite, perceiving such
evil consequences: "What would you have? Did I ever, when my ardor was
at the highest, demand a woman descended from a great consul, and
covered with robes of quality? " What could he answer? Why, "the girl was
sprung from an illustrious father. " But how much better things, and how
different from this, does nature, abounding in stores of her own,
recommend; if you would only make a proper use of them, and not confound
what is to be avoided with that which is desirable! Do you think it is
of no consequence, whether your distresses arise from your own fault or
from [a real deficiency] of things? Wherefore, that you may not repent
[when it is too late], put a stop to your pursuit after matrons; whence
more trouble is derived, than you can obtain of enjoyment from success.
Nor has [this particular matron], amid her pearls and emeralds, a softer
thigh, or-limbs mere delicate than yours, Cerinthus; nay, the
prostitutes are frequently preferable. Add to this, that [the
prostitute] bears about her merchandize without any varnish, and openly
shows what she has to dispose of; nor, if she has aught more comely than
ordinary, does she boast and make an ostentation of it, while she is
industrious to conceal that which is offensive. This is the custom with
men of fortune: when they buy horses, they inspect them covered: that,
if a beautiful forehand (as often) be supported by a tender hoof, it may
not take in the buyer, eager for the bargain, because the back is
handsome, the head little, and the neck stately. This they do
judiciously. Do not you, [therefore, in the same manner] contemplate the
perfections of each [fair one's] person with the eyes of Lynceus; but be
blinder than Hypsaea, when you survey such parts as are deformed. [You
may cry out,] "O what a leg! O, what delicate arms! " But [you suppress]
that she is low-hipped, short-waisted, with a long nose, and a splay
foot. A man can see nothing but the face of a matron, who carefully
conceals her other charms, unless it be a Catia. But if you will seek
after forbidden charms (for the [circumstance of their being forbidden]
makes you mad after them), surrounded as they are with a fortification,
many obstacles will then be in your way: such as guardians, the sedan,
dressers, parasites, the long robe hanging down to the ankles, and
covered with an upper garment; a multiplicity of circumstances, which
will hinder you from having a fair view. The other throws no obstacle in
your way; through the silken vest you may discern her, almost as well as
if she was naked; that she has neither a bad leg, nor a disagreeable
foot, you may survey her form perfectly with your eye. Or would you
choose to have a trick put upon you, and your money extorted, before the
goods are shown you? [But perhaps you will sing to me these verses out
of Callimachus. ] As the huntsman pursues the hare in the deep snow, but
disdains to touch it when it is placed before him: thus sings the rake,
and applies it to himself; my love is like to this, for it passes over
an easy prey, and pursues what flies from it. Do you hope that grief,
and uneasiness, and bitter anxieties, will be expelled from your breast
by such verses as these? Would It not be more profitable to inquire what
boundary nature has affixed to the appetites, what she can patiently do
without, and what she would lament the deprivation of, and to separate
what is solid from what is vain? What! when thirst parches your jaws,
are you solicitous for golden cups to drink out of? What! when you are
hungry, do you despise everything but peacock and turbot? When your
passions are inflamed, and a common gratification is at hand, would you
rather be consumed with desire than possess it? I would not: for I love
such pleasures as are of easiest attainment. But she whose language is,
"By and by," "But for a small matter more," "If my husband should be out
of the way. " [is only] for petit-maitres: and for himself, Philodemus
says, he chooses her, who neither stands for a great price, nor delays
to come when she is ordered. Let her be fair, and straight, and so far
decent as not to appear desirous of seeming fairer than nature has made
her. When I am in the company of such an one, she is my Ilia and
Aegeria; I give her any name. Nor am I apprehensive, while I am in her
company, lest her husband should return from the country: the door
should be broken open; the dog should bark; the house, shaken, should
resound on all sides with a great noise; the woman, pale [with fear],
should bound away from me; lest the maid, conscious [of guilt], should
cry out, she is undone; lest she should be in apprehension for her
limbs, the detected wife for her portion, I for myself: lest I must run
away with my clothes all loose, and bare-footed, for fear my money, or
my person, or, finally my character should be demolished. It is a
dreadful thing to be caught; I could prove this, even if Fabius were the
judge.

* * * * *



SATIRE III.

_We might to connive at the faults of our friends, and all offences are
not to be ranked in the catalogue of crimes_.


This is a fault common to all singers, that among their friends they
never are inclined to sing when they are asked, [but] unasked, they
never desist. Tigellius, that Sardinian, had this [fault]. Had Caesar,
who could have forced him to compliance, besought him on account of his
father's friendship and his own, he would have had no success; if he
himself was disposed, he would chant lo Bacche over and over, from the
beginning of an entertainment to the very conclusion of it; one while at
the deepest pitch of his voice, at another time with that which answers
to the highest string of the tetrachord. There was nothing uniform in
that fellow; frequently would he run along, as one flying from an enemy;
more frequently [he walked] as if he bore [in procession] the sacrifice
of Juno: he had often two hundred slaves, often but ten: one while
talking of kings and potentates, every thing that was magnificent; at
another--"Let me have a three-legged table, and a cellar of clean salt,
and a gown which, though coarse, may be sufficient to keep out the
cold. " Had you given ten hundred thousand sesterces to this moderate man
who was content with such small matters, in five days' time there would
be nothing in his bags. He sat up at nights, [even] to day-light; he
snored out all the day. Never was there anything so inconsistent with
itself. Now some person may say to me, "What are you? Have you no
faults? " Yes, others; but others, and perhaps of a less culpable nature.

When Maenius railed at Novius in his absence: "Hark ye," says a certain
person, "are you ignorant of yourself? or do you think to impose
yourself upon us a person we do not know? " "As for me, I forgive
myself," quoth Maenius. This is a foolish and impious self-love, and
worthy to be stigmatized. When you look over your own vices, winking at
them, as it were, with sore eyes; why are you with regard to those of
your friends as sharp-sighted as an eagle, or the Epidaurian serpent?
But, on the other hand, it is your lot that your friends should inquire
into your vices in turn. [A certain person] is a little too hasty in his
temper; not well calculated for the sharp-witted sneers of these men: he
may be made a jest of because his gown hangs awkwardly, he [at the same
time] being trimmed in a very rustic manner, and his wide shoe hardly
sticks to his foot. But he is so good, that no man can be better; but he
is your friend; but an immense genius is concealed under this unpolished
person of his. Finally, sift yourself thoroughly, whether nature has
originally sown the seeds of any vice in you, or even an ill-habit [has
done it]. For the fern, fit [only] to be burned, overruns the neglected
fields.

Let us return from our digression. As his mistress's disagreeable
failings escape the blinded lover, or even give him pleasure (as Hagna's
wen does to Balbinus), I could wish that we erred in this manner with
regard to friendship, and that virtue had affixed a reputable
appellation to such an error. And as a father ought not to contemn his
son, if he has any defect, in the same manner we ought not [to contemn]
our friend. The father calls his squinting boy a pretty leering rogue;
and if any man has a little despicable brat, such as the abortive
Sisyphus formerly was, he calls it a sweet moppet; this [child] with
distorted legs, [the father] in a fondling voice calls one of the Vari;
and another, who is club-footed, he calls a Scaurus. [Thus, does] this
friend of yours live more sparingly than ordinarily? Let him be styled a
man of frugality. Is another impertinent, and apt to brag a little? He
requires to be reckoned entertaining to his friends. But [another] is
too rude, and takes greater liberties than are fitting. Let him be
esteemed a man of sincerity and bravery. Is he too fiery, let him be
numbered among persons of spirit. This method, in my opinion, both
unites friends, and preserves them in a state of union. But we invert
the very virtues themselves, and are desirous of throwing dirt upon the
untainted vessel. Does a man of probity live among us? he is a person of
singular diffidence; we give him the name of a dull and fat-headed
fellow. Does this man avoid every snare, and lay himself open to no
ill-designing villain; since we live amid such a race, where keen envy
and accusations are flourishing? Instead of a sensible and wary man, we
call him a disguised and subtle fellow. And is any one more open, [and
less reserved] than usual in such a degree as I often have presented
myself to you, Maecenas, so as perhaps impertinently to interrupt a
person reading, or musing, with any kind of prate? We cry, "[this
fellow] actually wants common sense. " Alas! how indiscreetly do we
ordain a severe law against ourselves! For no one Is born without vices:
he is the best man who is encumbered with the least. When my dear
friend, as is just, weighs my good qualities against my bad ones, let
him, if he is willing to be beloved, turn the scale to the majority of
the former (if I have indeed a majority of good qualities), on this
condition, he shall be placed in the same balance. He who requires that
his friend should not take offence at his own protuberances, will excuse
his friend's little warts. It is fair that he who entreats a pardon for
his own faults, should grant one in his turn.

Upon the whole, forasmuch as the vice anger, as well as others inherent
in foolish [mortals], cannot be totally eradicated, why does not human
reason make use of its own weights and measures; and so punish faults,
as the nature of the thing demands? If any man should punish with the
cross, a slave, who being ordered to take away the dish should gorge
the half-eaten fish and warm sauce; he would, among people in their
senses, be called a madder man than Labeo. How much more irrational and
heinous a crime is this! Your friend has been guilty of a small error
(which, unless you forgive, you ought to be reckoned a sour, ill-natured
fellow), you hate and avoid him, as a debtor does Ruso; who, when the
woful calends come upon the unfortunate man, unless he procures the
interest or capital by hook or by crook, is compelled to hear his
miserable stories with his neck stretched out like a slave. [Should my
friend] in his liquor water my couch, or has he thrown down a jar carved
by the hands of Evander: shall he for this [trifling] affair, or because
in his hunger he has taken a chicken before me out of my part of the
dish, be the less agreeable friend to me? [If so], what could I do if he
was guilty of theft, or had betrayed things committed to him in
confidence, or broken his word. They who are pleased [to rank all]
faults nearly on an equality, are troubled when they come to the truth
of the matter: sense and morality are against them, and utility itself,
the mother almost of right and of equity.

When [rude] animals, they crawled forth upon the first-formed earth, the
mute and dirty herd fought with their nails and fists for their acorn
and caves, afterward with clubs, and finally with arms which experience
had forged: till they found out words and names, by which they
ascertained their language and sensations: thenceforward they began to
abstain from war, to fortify towns, and establish laws: that no person
should be a thief, a robber, or an adulterer. For before Helen's time
there existed [many] a woman who was the dismal cause of war: but those
fell by unknown deaths, whom pursuing uncertain venery, as the bull in
the herd, the strongest slew. It must of necessity be acknowledged, if
you have a mind to turn over the aeras and anuals of the world, that
laws were invented from an apprehension of the natural injustice [of
mankind]. Nor can nature separate what is unjust from what is just, in
the same manner as she distinguishes what is good from its reverse, and
what is to be avoided from that which is to be sought, nor will reason
persuade men to this, that he who breaks down the cabbage-stalk of his
neighbor, sins in as great a measure, and in the same manner, as he who
steals by night things consecrated to the gods. Let there be a settled
standard, that may inflict adequate punishments upon crimes, lest you
should persecute any one with the horrible thong, who is only deserving
of a slight whipping. For I am not apprehensive, that you should correct
with the rod one that deserves to suffer severer stripes: since you
assert that pilfering is an equal crime with highway robbery, and
threaten that you would prune off with an undistinguishing hook little
and great vices, if mankind were to give you the sovereignty over them.
If he be rich, who is wise, and a good shoemaker, and alone handsome,
and a king, why do you wish for that which you are possessed of? You do
not understand what Chrysippus, the father [of your sect], says: "The
wise man never made himself shoes nor slippers: nevertheless, the wise
man is a shoemaker. " How so? In the same manner, though Hermogenes be
silent, he is a fine singer, notwithstanding, and an excellent musician:
as the subtle [lawyer] Alfenus, after every instrument of his calling
was thrown aside, and his shop shut up, was [still] a barber; thus is
the wise man of all trades, thus is he a king. O greatest of great
kings, the waggish boys pluck you by the beard; whom unless you restrain
with your staff, you will be jostled by a mob all about you, and you may
wretchedly bark and burst your lungs in vain. Not to be tedious: while
you, my king, shall go to the farthing bath, and no guard shall attend
you, except the absurd Crispinus; my dear friends will both pardon me in
any matter in which I shall foolishly offend, and I in turn will
cheerfully put up with their faults; and though a private man, I shall
live more happily than you, a king.

* * * * *



SATIRE IV.

_He apologizes for the liberties taken by satiric poets in general, and
particularly by himself_.


The poets Eupolis, and Cratinus, and Aristophanes, and others, who are
authors of the ancient comedy, if there was any person deserving to be
distinguished for being a rascal or a thief, an adulterer or a
cut-throat, or in any shape an infamous fellow, branded him with great
freedom. Upon these [models] Lucilius entirely depends, having imitated
them, changing only their feet and numbers: a man of wit, of great
keenness, inelegant in the composition of verse: for in this respect he
was faulty; he would often, as a great feat, dictate two hundred verses
in an hour, standing in the same position. As he flowed muddily, there
was [always] something that one would wish to remove; he was verbose,
and too lazy to endure the fatigue of writing--of writing accurately:
for, with regard to the quantity [of his works], I make no account of
it. See! Crispinus challenges me even for ever so little a wager. Take,
if you dare, take your tablets, and I will take mine; let there be a
place, a time, and persons appointed to see fair play: let us see who
can write the most. The gods have done a good part by me, since they
have framed me of an humble and meek disposition, speaking but seldom,
briefly: but do you, [Crispinus,] as much as you will, imitate air which
is shut up in leathern bellows, perpetually putting till the fire
softens the iron. Fannius is a happy man, who, of his own accord, has
presented his manuscripts and picture [to the Palatine Apollo]; when not
a soul will peruse my writings, who am afraid to rehearse in public, on
this account, because there are certain persons who can by no means
relish this kind [of satiric writing], as there are very many who
deserve censure. Single any man out of the crowd; he either labors under
a covetous disposition, or under wretched ambition. One is mad in love
with married women, another with youths; a third the splendor of silver
captivates: Albius is in raptures with brass; another exchanges his
merchandize from the rising sun, even to that with which the western
regions are warmed: but he is burried headlong through dangers, as dust
wrapped up in a whirlwind; in dread lest he should lose anything out of
the capital, or [in hope] that he may increase his store. All these are
afraid of verses, they hate poets. "He has hay on his horn, [they cry;]
avoid him at a great distance: if he can but raise a laugh for his own
diversion, he will not spare any friend: and whatever he has once
blotted upon his paper, he will take a pleasure in letting all the boys
and old women know, as they return from the bakehouse or the lake. " But,
come on, attend to a few words on the other side of the question.

In the first place, I will except myself out of the number of those I
would allow to be poets: for one must not call it sufficient to tag a
verse: nor if any person, like me, writes in a style bordering on
conversation, must you esteem him to be a poet. To him who has genius,
who has a soul of a diviner cast, and a greatness of expression, give
the honor of this appellation. On this account some have raised the
question, whether comedy be a poem or not; because an animated spirit
and force is neither in the style, nor the subject-matter: bating that
it differs from prose by a certain measure, it is mere prose. But [one
may object to this, that even in comedy] an inflamed father rages,
because his dissolute son, mad after a prostitute mistress, refuses a
wife with a large portion; and (what is an egregious scandal) rambles
about drunk with flambeaux by day-light. Yet could Pomponius, were his
father alive, hear less severe reproofs! Wherefore it is not sufficient
to write verses merely in proper language; which if you take to pieces,
any person may storm in the same manner as the father in the play. If
from these verses which I write at this present, or those that Lucilius
did formerly, you take away certain pauses and measures, and make that
word which was first in order hindermost, by placing the latter [words]
before those that preceded [in the verse]; you will not discern the
limbs of a poet, when pulled in pieces, in the same manner as you would
were you to transpose ever so [these lines of Ennius]:

When discord dreadful bursts the brazen bars,
And shatters iron locks to thunder forth her wars.

So far of this matter; at another opportunity [I may investigate]
whether [a comedy] be a true poem or not: now I shall only consider this
point, whether this [satiric] kind of writing be deservedly an object of
your suspicion. Sulcius the virulent, and Caprius hoarse with their
malignancy, walk [openly], and with their libels too [in their hands];
each of them a singular terror to robbers: but if a man lives honestly
and with clean hands, he may despise them both. Though you be like
highwaymen, Coelus and Byrrhus, I am not [a common accuser], like
Caprius and Sulcius; why should you be afraid of me? No shop nor stall
holds my books, which the sweaty hands of the vulgar and of Hermogenes
Tigellius may soil. I repeat to nobody, except my intimates, and that
when I am pressed; nor any where, and before any body. There are many
who recite their writings in the middle of the forum; and who [do it]
while bathing: the closeness of the place, [it seems,] gives melody to
the voice. This pleases coxcombs, who never consider whether they do
this to no purpose, or at an unseasonable time. But you, says he,
delight to hurt people, and this you do out of a mischievous
disposition. From what source do you throw this calumny upon me? Is any
one then your voucher, with whom I have lived? He who backbites his
absent friend; [nay more,] who does not defend, at another's accusing
him; who affects to raise loud laughs in company, and the reputation of
a funny fellow, who can feign things he never saw; who cannot keep
secrets; he is a dangerous man: be you, Roman, aware of him. You may
often see it [even in crowded companies], where twelve sup together on
three couches; one of which shall delight at any rate to asperse the
rest, except him who furnishes the bath; and him too afterward in his
liquor, when truth-telling Bacchus opens the secrets of his heart. Yet
this man seems entertaining, and well-bred, and frank to you, who are an
enemy to the malignant: but do I, if I have laughed because the fop
Rufillus smells all perfumes, and Gorgonius, like a he-goat, appear
insidious and a snarler to you? If by any means mention happen to be
made of the thefts of Petillius Capitolinus in your company, you defend
him after your manner: [as thus,] Capitolinus has had me for a companion
and a friend from childhood, and being applied to, has done many things
on my account: and I am glad that he lives secure in the city; but I
wonder, notwithstanding, how he evaded that sentence. This is the very
essence of black malignity, this is mere malice itself: which crime,
that it shall be far remote from my writings, and prior to them from my
mind, I promise, if I can take upon me to promise any thing sincerely of
myself. If I shall say any thing too freely, if perhaps too ludicrously,
you must favor me by your indulgence with this allowance. For my
excellent father inured me to this custom, that by noting each
particular vice I might avoid it by the example [of others]. When he
exhorted me that I should live thriftily, frugally, and content with
what he had provided for me; don't you see, [would he say,] how
wretchedly the son of Albius lives? and how miserably Barrus? A strong
lesson to hinder any one from squandering away his patrimony. When he
would deter me from filthy fondness for a light woman: [take care, said
he,] that you do not resemble Sectanus. That I might not follow
adulteresses, when I could enjoy a lawful amour: the character cried he,
of Trobonius, who was caught in the fact, is by no means creditable.
The philosopher may tell you the reasons for what is better to be
avoided, and what to be pursued. It is sufficient for me, if I can
preserve the morality traditional from my forefathers, and keep your
life and reputation inviolate, so long as you stand in need of a
guardian: so soon as age shall have strengthened your limbs and mind,
you will swim without cork. In this manner he formed me, as yet a boy:
and whether he ordered me to do any particular thing: You have an
authority for doing this: [then] he instanced some one of the select
magistrates: or did he forbid me [any thing]; can you doubt, [says he,]
whether this thing be dishonorable, and against your interest to be
done, when this person and the other is become such a burning shame for
his bad character [on these accounts]? As a neighboring funeral
dispirits sick gluttons, and through fear of death forces them to have
mercy upon themselves; so other men's disgraces often deter tender minds
from vices. From this [method of education] I am clear from all such
vices, as bring destruction along with them: by lighter foibles, and
such as you may excuse, I am possessed. And even from these, perhaps, a
maturer age, the sincerity of a friend, or my own judgment, may make
great reductions. For neither when I am in bed, or in the piazzas, am I
wanting to myself: this way of proceeding is better; by doing such a
thing I shall live more comfortably; by this means I shall render myself
agreeable to my friends; such a transaction was not clever; what, shall
I, at any time, imprudently commit any thing like it? These things I
resolve in silence by myself. When I have any leisure, I amuse myself
with my papers. This is one of those lighter foibles [I was speaking
of]: to which if you do not grant your indulgence, a numerous band of
poets shall come, which will take my part (for we are many more in
number), and, like the Jews, we will force you to come over to our
numerous party.

* * * * *



SATIRE V.

_He describes a certain journey of his from Rome to Brundusium with
great pleasantry_.


Having left mighty Rome, Aricia received me in but a middling inn:
Heliodorus the rhetorician, most learned in the Greek language, was my
fellow-traveller: thence we proceeded to Forum-Appi, stuffed with
sailors and surly landlords. This stage, but one for better travellers
than we, being laggard we divided into two; the Appian way is less
tiresome to bad travelers. Here I, on account of the water, which was
most vile, proclaim war against my belly, waiting not without impatience
for my companions while at supper. Now the night was preparing to spread
her shadows upon the earth, and to display the constellations in the
heavens. Then our slaves began to be liberal of their abuse to the
watermen, and the watermen to our slaves. "Here bring to. " "You are
stowing in hundreds; hold, now sure there is enough. " Thus while the
fare is paid, and the mule fastened a whole hour is passed away. The
cursed gnats, and frogs of the fens, drive off repose. While the
waterman and a passenger, well-soaked with plenty of thick wine, vie
with one another in singing the praises of their absent mistresses: at
length the passenger being fatigued, begins to sleep; and the lazy
waterman ties the halter of the mule, turned out a-grazing, to a stone,
and snores, lying flat on his back. And now the day approached, when we
saw the boat made no way; until a choleric fellow, one of the
passengers, leaps out of the boat, and drubs the head and sides of both
mule and waterman with a willow cudgel. At last we were scarcely set
ashore at the fourth hour. We wash our faces and hands in thy water, O
Feronia. Then, having dined we crawled on three miles; and arrive under
Anxur, which is built up on rocks that look white to a great distance.
Maecenas was to come here, as was the excellent Cocceius. Both sent
ambassadors on matters of great importance, having been accustomed to
reconcile friends at variance. Here, having got sore eyes, I was obliged
to use the black ointment. In the meantime came Maecenas, and Cocceius,
and Fonteius Capito along with them, a man of perfect polish, and
intimate with Mark Antony, no man more so.

Without regret we passed Fundi, where Aufidius Luscus was praetor,
laughing at the honors of that crazy scribe, his praetexta, laticlave,
and pan of incense. At our next stage, being weary, we tarry in the city
of the Mamurrae, Murena complimenting us with his house, and Capito with
his kitchen.

The next day arises, by much the most agreeable to all: for Plotius, and
Varius, and Virgil met us at Sinuessa; souls more candid ones than
which the world never produced, nor is there a person in the world more
bound to them than myself. Oh what embraces, and what transports were
there! While I am in my senses, nothing can I prefer to a pleasant
friend. The village, which is next adjoining to the bridge of Campania,
accommodated us with lodging [at night]; and the public officers with
such a quantity of fuel and salt as they are obliged to [by law]. From
this place the mules deposited their pack-saddles at Capua betimes [in
the morning]. Maecenas goes to play [at tennis]; but I and Virgil to our
repose: for to play at tennis is hurtful to weak eyes and feeble
constitutions.

From this place the villa of Cocceius, situated above the Caudian inns,
which abounds with plenty, receives us. Now, my muse, I beg of you
briefly to relate the engagement between the buffoon Sarmentus and
Messius Cicirrus; and from what ancestry descended each began the
contest. The illustrious race of Messius-Oscan: Sarmentus's mistress is
still alive. Sprung from such families as these, they came to the
combat.
First, Sarmentus: "I pronounce thee to have the look of a mad
horse. " We laugh; and Messius himself [says], "I accept your challenge:"
and wags his head. "O! " cries he, "if the horn were not cut off your
forehead, what would you not do; since, maimed as you are, you bully at
such a rate? " For a foul scar has disgraced the left part of Messius's
bristly forehead. Cutting many jokes upon his Campanian disease, and
upon his face, he desired him to exhibit Polyphemus's dance: that he had
no occasion for a mask, or the tragic buskins. Cicirrus [retorted]
largely to these: he asked, whether he had consecrated his chain to the
household gods according to his vow; though he was a scribe, [he told
him] his mistress's property in him was not the less. Lastly, he asked,
how he ever came to run away; such a lank meager fellow, for whom a
pound of corn [a-day] would be ample. We were so diverted, that we
continued that supper to an unusual length.

Hence we proceed straight on for Beneventum; where the bustling landlord
almost burned himself, in roasting some lean thrushes: for, the fire
falling through the old kitchen [floor], the spreading flame made a
great progress toward the highest part of the roof. Then you might have
seen the hungry guests and frightened slaves snatching their supper out
[of the flames], and everybody endeavoring to extinguish the fire.

After this Apulia began to discover to me her well-known mountains,
which the Atabulus scorches [with his blasts]: and through which we
should never have crept, unless the neighboring village of Trivicus had
received us, not without a smoke that brought tears into our eyes;
occasioned by a hearth's burning some green boughs with the leaves upon
them. Here, like a great fool as I was, I wait till midnight for a
deceitful mistress; sleep, however, overcomes me while meditating love;
and disagreeable dreams make me ashamed of myself and every thing about
me.

Hence we were bowled away in chaises twenty-four miles, intending to
stop at a little town, which one cannot name in a verse, but it is
easily enough known by description. For water is sold here, though the
worst in the world; but their bread is exceeding fine, inasmuch that the
weary traveler is used to carry it willingly on his shoulders; for [the
bread] at Canusium is gritty; a pitcher of water is worth no more [than
it is here]: which place was formerly built by the valiant Diomedes.
Here Varius departs dejected from his weeping friends.

Hence we came to Rubi, fatigued: because we made a long journey, and it
was rendered still more troublesome by the rains. Next day the weather
was better, the road worse, even to the very walls of Barium that
abounds in fish. In the next place Egnatia, which [seems to have] been
built on troubled waters, gave us occasion for jests and laughter; for
they wanted to persuade us, that at this sacred portal the incense
melted without fire. The Jew Apella may believe this, not I. For I have
learned [from Epicurus], that the gods dwell in a state of tranquillity;
nor, if nature effect any wonder, that the anxious gods send it from the
high canopy of the heavens.

Brundusium ends both my long journey, and my paper.

* * * * *



SATIRE VI.

_Of true nobility_.


Not Maecenas, though of all the Lydians that ever inhabited the Tuscan
territories, no one is of a nobler family than yourself; and though you
have ancestors both on father's and mother's side, that in times past
have had the command of mighty legions; do you, as the generality are
wont, toss up your nose at obscure people, such as me, who has [only] a
freed-man for my father: since you affirm that it is of no consequence
of what parents any man is born, so that he be a man of merit. You
persuade yourself, with truth, that before the dominions of Tullius, and
the reign of one born a slave, frequently numbers of men descended from
ancestors of no rank, have both lived as men of merit, and have been
distinguished by the greatest honors: [while] on the other hand
Laevinus, the descendant of that famous Valerius, by whose means
Tarquinius Superbus was expelled from his kingdom, was not a farthing
more esteemed [on account of his family, even] in the judgment of the
people, with whose disposition you are well acquainted; who often
foolishly bestow honors on the unworthy, and are from their stupidity
slaves to a name: who are struck with admiration by inscriptions and
statues. What is it fitting for us to do, who are far, very far removed
from the vulgar [in our sentiments]? For grant it, that the people had
rather confer a dignity on Laevinus than on Decius, who is a new man;
and the censor Appius would expel me [the senate-house], because I was
not sprung from a sire of distinction: and that too deservedly, inasmuch
as I rested not content in my own condition. But glory drags in her
dazzling car the obscure as closely fettered as those of nobler birth.
What did it profit you, O Tullius, to resume the robe that you [were
forced] to lay aside, and become a tribune [again]? Envy increased upon
you, which had been less, it you had remained in a private station. For
when any crazy fellow has laced the middle of his leg with the sable
buskins, and has let flow the purple robe from his breast, he
immediately hears: "Who is this man? Whose son is he? " Just as if there
be any one, who labors under the same distemper as Barrus does, so that
he is ambitious of being reckoned handsome; let him go where he will, he
excites curiosity among the girls of inquiring into particulars; as what
sort of face, leg, foot, teeth, hair, he has. Thus he who engages to his
citizens to take care of the city, the empire, and Italy, and the
sanctuaries of the gods, forces every mortal to be solicitous, and to
ask from what sire he is descended, or whether he is base by the
obscurity of his mother. What? do you, the son of a Syrus, a Dana, or a
Dionysius, dare to cast down the citizens of Rome from the [Tarpeian]
rock, or deliver them up to Cadmus [the executioner]? But, [you may
say,] my colleague Novius sits below me by one degree: for he is only
what my father was. And therefore do you esteem yourself a Paulus or a
Messala? But he (Novius), if two hundred carriages and three funerals
were to meet in the forum, could make noise enough to drown all their
horns and trumpets: this [kind of merit] at least has its weight with
us.

Now I return to myself, who am descended from a freed-man; whom every
body nibbles at, as being descended from a freed-man. Now, because,
Maecenas, I am a constant guest of yours; but formerly, because a Roman
legion was under my command, as being a military tribune. This latter
case is different from the former: for, though any person perhaps might
justly envy me that post of honor, yet could he not do so with regard to
your being my friend! especially as you are cautious to admit such as
are worthy; and are far from having any sinister ambitious views. I can
not reckon myself a lucky fellow on this account, as if it were by
accident that I got you for my friend; for no kind of accident threw you
in my way. That best of men, Virgil, long ago, and after him, Varius,
told you what I was. When first I came into your presence, I spoke a few
words in a broken manner (for childish bashfulness hindered me from
speaking more); I did not tell you that I was the issue of an
illustrious father: I did not [pretend] that I rode about the country on
a Satureian horse, but plainly what I really was; you answer (as your
custom is) a few words: I depart: and you re-invite me after the ninth
month, and command me to be in the number of your friends. I esteem it a
great thing that I pleased you, who distinguish probity from baseness,
not by the illustriousness of a father, but by the purity of heart and
feelings.

And yet if my disposition be culpable for a few faults, and those small
ones, otherwise perfect (as if you should condemn moles scattered over a
beautiful skin), if no one can justly lay to my charge avarice, nor
sordidness, nor impure haunts; if, in fine (to speak in my own praise),
I live undefiled, and innocent, and dear to my friends; my father was
the cause of all this: who though a poor man on a lean farm, was
unwilling to send me to a school under [the pedant] Flavius, where great
boys, sprung from great centurions, having their satchels and tablets
swung over their left arm, used to go with money in their hands the very
day it was due; but had the spirit to bring me a child to Rome, to be
taught those arts which any Roman knight and senator can teach his own
children. So that, if any person had considered my dress, and the slaves
who attended me in so populous a city, he would have concluded that
those expenses were supplied to me out of some hereditary estate. He
himself, of all others the most faithful guardian, was constantly about
every one of my preceptors. Why should I multiply words? He preserved me
chaste (which is the first honor or virtue) not only from every actual
guilt, but likewise from [every] foul imputation, nor was he afraid lest
any should turn it to his reproach, if I should come to follow a
business attended with small profits, in capacity of an auctioneer, or
(what he was himself) a tax-gatherer. Nor [had that been the case]
should I have complained. On this account the more praise is due to him,
and from me a greater degree of gratitude. As long as I am in my senses,
I can never be ashamed of such a father as this, and therefore shall not
apologize [for my birth], in the manner that numbers do, by affirming it
to be no fault of theirs. My language and way of thinking is far
different from such persons. For if nature were to make us from a
certain term of years to go over our past time again, and [suffer us] to
choose other parents, such as every man for ostentation's sake would
wish for himself; I, content with my own, would not assume those that
are honored with the ensigns and seats of state; [for which I should
seem] a madman in the opinion of the mob, but in yours, I hope a man of
sense; because I should be unwilling to sustain a troublesome burden,
being by no means used to it. For I must [then] immediately set about
acquiring a larger fortune, and more people must be complimented; and
this and that companion must be taken along, so that I could neither
take a jaunt into the country, or a journey by myself; more attendants
and more horses must be fed; coaches must be drawn. Now, if I please, I
can go as far as Tarentum on my bob-tail mule, whose loins the
portmanteau galls with his weight, as does the horseman his shoulders.
No one will lay to my charge such sordidness as he may, Tullius, to you,
when five slaves follow you, a praetor, along the Tiburtian way,
carrying a traveling kitchen, and a vessel of wine. Thus I live more
comfortably, O illustrious senator, than you, and than thousands of
others. Wherever I have a fancy, I walk by myself: I inquire the price
of herbs and bread; I traverse the tricking circus, and the forum often
in the evening: I stand listening among the fortune-tellers: thence I
take myself home to a plate of onions, pulse, and pancakes. My supper is
served up by three slaves; and a white stone slab supports two cups and
a brimmer: near the salt-cellar stands a homely cruet with a little
bowl, earthen-ware from Campania. Then I go to rest; by no means
concerned that I must rise in the morning, and pay a visit to the statue
of Marsyas, who denies that he is able to bear the look of the younger
Novius. I lie a-bed to the fourth hour; after that I take a ramble, or
having read or written what may amuse me in my privacy, I am anointed
with oil, but not with such as the nasty Nacca, when he robs the lamps.
But when the sun, become more violent, has reminded me to go to bathe, I
avoid the Campus Martius and the game of hand-ball. Having dined in a
temperate manner, just enough to hinder me from having an empty stomach,
during the rest of the day I trifle in my own house. This is the life of
those who are free from wretched and burthensome ambition: with such
things as these I comfort myself, in a way to live more delightfully
than if my grandfather had been a quaestor, and father and uncle too.

* * * * *



SATIRE VII.


_He humorously describes a squabble betwixt Rupilius and Persius. _


In what manner the mongrel Persius revenged the filth and venom of
Rupilius, surnamed King, is I think known to all the blind men and
barbers. This Persius, being a man of fortune, had very great business
at Clazomenae, and, into the bargain, certain troublesome litigations
with King; a hardened fellow, and one who was able to exceed even King
in virulence; confident, blustering, of such a bitterness of speech,
that he would outstrip the Sisennae and Barri, if ever so well equipped.

I return to King. After nothing could be settled betwixt them (for
people among whom adverse war breaks out, are proportionably vexatious
on the same account as they are brave. Thus between Hector, the son of
Priam, and the high-spirited Achilles, the rage was of so capital a
nature, that only the final destruction [one of them] could determine
it; on no other account, than that valor in each of them was
consummate. If discord sets two cowards to work; or if an engagement
happens between two that are not of a match, as that of Diomed and the
Lycian Glaucus; the worst man will walk off, [buying his peace] by
voluntarily sending presents), when Brutus held as praetor the fertile
Asia, this pair, Rupilius and Persius, encountered; in such a manner,
that [the gladiators] Bacchius and Bithus were not better matched.
Impetuous they hurry to the cause, each of them a fine sight.

Persius opens his case; and is laughed at by all the assembly; he extols
Brutus, and extols the guard; he styles Brutus the sun of Asia, and his
attendants he styles salutary stars, all except King; that he [he says,]
came like that dog, the constellation hateful to husbandman: he poured
along like a wintery flood, where the ax seldom comes.

Then, upon his running on in so smart and fluent a manner, the
Praenestine [king] directs some witticisms squeezed from the vineyard,
himself a hardy vine-dresser, never defeated, to whom the passenger had
often been obliged to yield, bawling cuckoo with roaring voice.

But the Grecian Persius, as soon as he had been well sprinkled with
Italian vinegar, bellows out: O Brutus, by the great gods I conjure you,
who are accustomed to take off kings, why do you not dispatch this King?
Believe me, this is a piece of work which of right belongs to you.

* * * * *



SATIRE VIII.

_Priapus complains that the Esquilian mount is infested with the
incantations of sorceresses_.


Formerly I was the trunk of a wild fig-tree, an useless log: when the
artificer, in doubt whether he should make a stool or a Priapus of me,
determined that I should be a god. Henceforward I became a god, the
greatest terror of thieves and birds: for my right hand restrains
thieves, and a bloody-looking pole stretched out from my frightful
middle: but a reed fixed upon the crown of my head terrifies the
mischievous birds, and hinders them from settling in these new gardens.
Before this the fellow-slave bore dead corpses thrown out of their
narrow cells to this place, in order to be deposited in paltry coffins.
This place stood a common sepulcher for the miserable mob, for the
buffoon Pantelabus, and Nomentanus the rake. Here a column assigned a
thousand feet [of ground] in front, and three hundred toward the fields:
that the burial-place should not descend to the heirs of the estate. Now
one may live in the Esquiliae, [since it is made] a healthy place; and
walk upon an open terrace, where lately the melancholy passengers beheld
the ground frightful with white bones; though both the thieves and wild
beasts accustomed to infest this place, do not occasion me so much care
and trouble, as do [these hags], that turn people's minds by their
incantations and drugs. These I can not by any means destroy nor hinder,
but that they will gather bones and noxious herbs, as soon as the
fleeting moon has shown her beauteous face.

I myself saw Canidia, with her sable garment tucked up, walk with bare
feet and disheveled hair, yelling together with the elder Sagana.
Paleness had rendered both of them horrible to behold. They began to
claw up the earth with their nails, and to tear a black ewe-lamb to
pieces with their teeth. The blood was poured into a ditch, that thence
they might charm out the shades of the dead, ghosts that were to give
them answers. There was a woolen effigy too, another of wax: the woolen
one larger, which was to inflict punishment on the little one. The waxen
stood in a suppliant posture, as ready to perish in a servile manner.
One of the hags invokes Hecate, and the other fell Tisiphone. Then might
you see serpents and infernal bitches wander about, and the moon with
blushes hiding behind the lofty monuments, that she might not be a
witness to these doings. But if I lie, even a tittle, may my head be
contaminated with the white filth of ravens; and may Julius, and the
effeminate Miss Pediatous, and the knave Voranus, come to water upon me,
and befoul me. Why should I mention every particular? viz. in what
manner, speaking alternately with Sagana, the ghosts uttered dismal and
piercing shrieks; and how by stealth they laid in the earth a wolf's
beard, with the teeth of a spotted snake; and how a great blaze flamed
forth from the waxen image? And how I was shocked at the voices and
actions of these two furies, a spectator however by no means incapable
of revenge? For from my cleft body of fig-tree wood I uttered a loud
noise with as great an explosion as a burst bladder. But they ran into
the city: and with exceeding laughter and diversion might you have seen
Canidia's artificial teeth, and Sagana's towering tete of false hair
falling off, and the herbs, and the enchanted bracelets from her arm.

* * * * *



SATIRE IX.

_He describes his sufferings from the loquacity of an impertinent
fellow. _


I was accidentally going along the Via Sacra, meditating on some trifle
or other, as is my custom, and totally intent upon it. A certain person,
known to me by name only, runs up; and, having seized my hand, "How do
you do, my dearest fellow? " "Tolerably well," say I, "as times go; and I
wish you every thing you can desire. " When he still followed me; "Would
you any thing? " said I to him. But, "You know me," says he: "I am a man
of learning. " "Upon that account," says I: "you will have more of my
esteem. " Wanting sadly to get away from him, sometimes I walked on
apace, now and then I stopped, and I whispered something to my boy. When
the sweat ran down to the bottom of my ankles. O, said I to myself,
Bolanus, how happy were you in a head-piece! Meanwhile he kept prating
on any thing that came uppermost, praised the streets, the city; and,
when I made him no answer; "You want terribly," said he, "to get away; I
perceived it long ago; but you effect nothing. I shall still stick close
to you; I shall follow you hence: Where are you at present bound for? "
"There is no need for your being carried so much about: I want to see a
person, who is unknown to you: he lives a great way off across the
Tiber, just by Caesar's gardens. " "I have nothing to do, and I am not
lazy; I will attend you thither. " I hang down my ears like an ass of
surly disposition, when a heavier load than ordinary is put upon his
back. He begins again: "If I am tolerably acquainted with myself, you
will not esteem Viscus or Varius as a friend, more than me; for who can
write more verses, or in a shorter time than I? Who can move his limbs
with softer grace [in the dance]? And then I sing, so that even
Hermogenes may envy. "

Here there was an opportunity of interrupting him. "Have you a mother,
[or any] relations that are interested in your welfare? " "Not one have
I; I have buried them all. " "Happy they! now I remain. Dispatch me: for
the fatal moment is at hand, which an old Sabine sorceress, having
shaken her divining urn, foretold when I was a boy; 'This child, neither
shall cruel poison, nor the hostile sword, nor pleurisy, nor cough, nor
the crippling gout destroy: a babbler shall one day demolish him; if he
be wise, let him avoid talkative people, as soon as he comes to man's
estate. '"

One fourth of the day being now passed, we came to Vesta's temple; and,
as good luck would have it, he was obliged to appear to his
recognizance; which unless he did, he must have lost his cause. "If you
love me," said he, "step in here a little. " "May I die! if I be either
able to stand it out, or have any knowledge of the civil laws: and
besides, I am in a hurry, you know whither. " "I am in doubt what I shall
do," said he; "whether desert you or my cause. " "Me, I beg of you. " "I
will not do it," said he; and began to take the lead of me. I (as it is
difficult to contend with one's master) follow him. "How stands it with
Maecenas and you? " Thus he begins his prate again. "He is one of few
intimates, and of a very wise way of thinking. No man ever made use of
opportunity with more cleverness. You should have a powerful assistant,
who could play an underpart, if you were disposed to recommend this man;
may I perish, if you should not supplant all the rest! " "We do not live
there in the manner you imagine; there is not a house that is freer or
more remote from evils of this nature. It is never of any disservice to
me, that any particular person is wealthier or a better scholar than I
am: every individual has his proper place. " "You tell me a marvelous
thing, scarcely credible. " "But it is even so. " "You the more inflame my
desires to be near his person. " "You need only be inclined to it: such
is your merit, you will accomplish it: and he is capable of being won;
and on that account the first access to him he makes difficult. " "I will
not be wanting to myself: I will corrupt his servants with presents; if
I am excluded to-day, I will not desist; I will seek opportunities; I
will meet him in the public streets; I will wait upon him home. Life
allows nothing to mortals without great labor. " While he was running on
at this rate, lo! Fuscus Aristius comes up, a dear friend of mine, and
one who knows the fellow well. We make a stop. "Whence come you? whither
are you going? " he asks and answers. I began to twitch him [by the
elbow], and to take hold of his arms [that were affectedly] passive,
nodding and distorting my eyes, that he might rescue me. Cruelly arch
he laughs, and pretends not to take the hint: anger galled my liver.
"Certainly," [said I, "Fuscus,] you said that you wanted to communicate
something to me in private. " "I remember it very well; but will tell it
you at a better opportunity: to-day is the thirtieth sabbath. Would you
affront the circumcised Jews? " I reply, "I have no scruple [on that
account]. " "But I have: I am something weaker, one of the multitude. You
must forgive me: I will speak with you on another occasion. " And has
this sun arisen so disastrous upon me! The wicked rogue runs away, and
leaves me under the knife. But by luck his adversary met him: and,
"Whither are you going, you infamous fellow? " roars he with a loud
voice: and, "Do you witness the arrest? " I assent. He hurries him into
court: there is a great clamor on both sides, a mob from all parts. Thus
Apollo preserved me.

* * * * *



SATIRE X.

_He supports the judgment which he had before given of Lucilius, and
intersperses some excellent precepts for the writing of Satire. _


To be sure I did say, that the verses of Lucilius did not run smoothly.
Who is so foolish an admirer of Lucilius, that he would not own this?
But the same writer is applauded in the same Satire, on account of his
having lashed the town with great humor. Nevertheless granting him this,
I will not therefore give up the other [considerations]; for at that
rate I might even admire the farces of Laberius, as fine poems. Hence it
is by no means sufficient to make an auditor grim with laughter: and yet
there is some degree of merit even in this. There is need of conciseness
that the sentence may run, and not embarrass itself with verbiage, that
overloads the sated ear; and sometimes a grave, frequently jocose style
is necessary, supporting the character one while of the orator and [at
another] of the poet, now and then that of a graceful rallier that curbs
the force of his pleasantry and weakens it on purpose. For ridicule
often decides matters of importance more effectually and in a better
manner, than severity. Those poets by whom the ancient comedy was
written, stood upon this [foundation], and in this are they worthy of
imitation: whom neither the smooth-faced Hermogenes ever read, nor that
baboon who is skilled in nothing but singing [the wanton compositions
of] Calvus and Catullus.

But [Lucilius, say they,] did a great thing, when he intermixed Greek
words with Latin. O late-learned dunces! What! do you think that arduous
and admirable, which was done by Pitholeo the Rhodian? But [still they
cry] the style elegantly composed of both tongues is the more pleasant,
as if Falernian wine is mixed with Chian. When you make verses, I ask
you this question; were you to undertake the difficult cause of the
accused Petillius, would you (for instance), forgetful of your country
and your father, while Pedius, Poplicola, and Corvinus sweat through
their causes in Latin, choose to intermix words borrowed from abroad,
like the double-tongued Canusinian. And as for myself, who was born on
this side the water, when I was about making Greek verses; Romulus
appearing to me after midnight, when dreams are true, forbade me in
words to this effect; "You could not be guilty of more madness by
carrying timber into a wood, than by desiring to throng in among the
great crowds of Grecian writers. "

While bombastical Alpinus murders Memnon, and while he deforms the muddy
source of the Rhine, I amuse myself with these satires; which can
neither be recited in the temple [of Apollo], as contesting for the
prize when Tarpa presides as judge, nor can have a run over and over
again represented in the theatres. You, O Fundanius, of all men
breathing are the most capable of prattling tales in a comic vein, how
an artful courtesan and a Davus impose upon an old Chremes. Pollio sings
the actions of kings in iambic measure; the sublime Varias composes the
manly epic, in a manner that no one can equal: to Virgil the Muses,
delighting in rural scenes, have granted the delicate and the elegant.
It was this kind [of satiric writing], the Aticinian Varro and some
others having attempted it without success, in which I may have some
slight merit, inferior to the inventor: nor would I presume to pull off
the [laurel] crown placed upon his brow with great applause.

But I said that he flowed muddily, frequently indeed bearing along more
things which ought to be taken away than left. Be it so; do you, who are
a scholar, find no fault with any thing in mighty Homer, I pray? Does
the facetious Lucilius make no alterations in the tragedies of Accius?
Does not he ridicule many of Ennius' verses, which are too light for
the gravity [of the subject]? When he speaks of himself by no means as
superior to what he blames. What should hinder me likewise, when I am
reading the works of Lucilius, from inquiring whether it be his
[genius], or the difficult nature of his subject, that will not suffer
his verses to be more finished, and to run more smoothly than if some
one, thinking it sufficient to conclude a something of six feet, be fond
of writing two hundred verses before he eats, and as many after supper?