No More Learning

_Ant. _ I have threescore and two Monks in my Cloister, and you will not
see one Book in my Chamber.

_Mag. _ The Monks are finely look'd after all this While.

_Ant. _ I could dispense with Books; but I can't bear _Latin_ Books.

_Mag. _ Why so?

_Ant. _ Because that Tongue is not fit for a Woman.

_Mag. _ I want to know the Reason.

_Ant. _ Because it contributes nothing towards the Defence of their
Chastity.

_Mag. _ Why then do _French_ Books that are stuff'd with the most
trifling Novels, contribute to Chastity?

_Ant. _ But there is another Reason.

_Mag. _ Let it be what it will, tell me it plainly.

_Ant. _ They are more secure from the Priests, if they don't understand
_Latin_.

_Mag. _ Nay, there's the least Danger from that Quarter according to your
Way of Working; because you take all the Pains you can not to know any
Thing of _Latin_.

_Ant. _ The common People are of my Mind, because it is such a rare
unusual Thing for a Woman to understand _Latin. _

_Mag. _ What do you tell me of the common People for, who are the worst
Examples in the World that can be follow'd. What have I to do with
Custom, that is the Mistress of all evil Practices? We ought to
accustom ourselves to the best Things: And by that Means, that which was
uncustomary would become habitual, and that which was unpleasant would
become pleasant; and that which seemed unbecoming would look graceful.

_Ant. _ I hear you.

_Mag. _ Is it becoming a _German_ Woman to learn to speak _French_.

_Ant. _ Yes it is.

_Mag. _ Why is it?

_Ant. _ Because then she will be able to converse with those that speak
_French_.

_Mag. _ And why then is it unbecoming in me to learn _Latin_, that I may
be able daily to have Conversation with so many eloquent, learned and
wise Authors, and faithful Counsellors?

_Ant. _ Books destroy Women's Brains, who have little enough of
themselves.

_Mag. _ What Quantity of Brains you have left I cannot tell: And as for
myself, let me have never so little, I had rather spend them in Study,
than in Prayers mumbled over without the Heart going along with them, or
sitting whole Nights in quaffing off Bumpers.

_Ant. _ Bookishness makes Folks mad.

_Mag. _ And does not the Rattle of your Pot-Companions, your Banterers,
and Drolls, make you mad?

_Ant. _ No, they pass the Time away.

_Mag. _ How can it be then, that such pleasant Companions should make me
mad?

_Ant. _ That's the common Saying.

_Mag. _ But I by Experience find quite the contrary. How many more do we
see grow mad by hard drinking, unseasonable feasting, and sitting up all
Night tippling, which destroys the Constitution and Senses, and has made
People mad?

_Ant. _ By my Faith, I would not have a learned Wife.

_Mag. _ But I bless myself, that I have gotten a Husband that is not
like yourself. Learning both endears him to me, and me to him.

_Ant. _ Learning costs a great Deal of Pains to get, and after all we
must die.

_Mag. _ Notable Sir, pray tell me, suppose you were to die to-Morrow, had
you rather die a Fool or a wise Man?

_Ant. _ Why, a wise Man, if I could come at it without taking Pains.

_Mag. _ But there is nothing to be attained in this Life without Pains;
and yet, let us get what we will, and what Pains soever we are at to
attain it, we must leave it behind us: Why then should we think much to
be at some Pains for the most precious Thing of all, the Fruit of which
will bear us Company unto another Life.

_Ant. _ I have often heard it said, that a wise Woman is twice a Fool.

_Mag. _ That indeed has been often said; but it was by Fools. A Woman
that is truly wise does not think herself so: But on the contrary, one
that knows nothing, thinks her self to be wise, and that is being twice
a Fool.

_Ant. _ I can't well tell how it is, that as Panniers don't become an Ox,
so neither does Learning become a Woman.

_Mag. _ But, I suppose, you can't deny but Panniers will look better upon
an Ox, than a Mitre upon an Ass or a Sow. What think you of the Virgin
_Mary_?

_Ant. _ Very highly.

_Mag. _ Was not she bookish?

_Ant. _ Yes; but not as to such Books as these.

_Mag. _ What Books did she read?

_Ant. _ The canonical Hours.

_Mag. _ For the Use of whom?

_Ant. _ Of the Order of _Benedictines_.

_Mag. _ Indeed? What did _Paula_ and _Eustochium_ do? Did not they
converse with the holy Scriptures?

_Ant. _ Ay, but this is a rare Thing now.

_Mag. _ So was a blockheaded Abbot in old Time; but now nothing is more
common. In old Times Princes and Emperors were as eminent for Learning
as for their Governments: And after all, it is not so great a Rarity as
you think it. There are both in _Spain_ and _Italy_ not a few Women,
that are able to vye with the Men, and there are the _Morites_ in
_England_, and the _Bilibald-duks_ and _Blaureticks_ in _Germany_. So
that unless you take Care of yourselves it will come to that Pass, that
we shall be Divinity-Professors in the Schools, and preach in the
Churches, and take Possession of your Mitres.

_Ant. _ God forbid.

_Mag. _ Nay it is your Business to forbid it. For if you hold on as you
have begun, even Geese themselves will preach before they'll endure you
a Parcel of dumb Teachers. You see the World is turn'd up-Side down, and
you must either lay aside your Dress, or perform your Part.

_Ant. _ How came I to fall into this Woman's Company? If you'll come to
see me, I'll treat you more pleasantly.

_Mag. _ After what Manner?

_Ant. _ Why, we'll dance, and drink heartily, and hunt and play, and
laugh.

_Mag. _ I can hardly forbear laughing now.




_The EPITHALAMIUM of PETRUS ÆGIDIUS. _


The ARGUMENT.

_The Muses and Graces are brought in, as singing the
Epithalamium of_ Peter Ægidius. Alipius _spies the nine
Muses, and the three Graces coming out of a Grove, which_
Balbinus _can't see: They take their Way to_ Antwerp, _to
the Wedding of_ Ægidius, _to whom they wish all joy, that
nothing of Difference or Uneasiness may ever arise
between 'em. How those Marriages prove that are made, the
Graces not favouring 'em. Congratulatory Verses. _


ALIPIUS, BALBINUS, MUSÆ.

_Al. _ Good God! What strange glorious Sight do I see here?

_Ba. _ Either you see what is not to be seen, or I can't see that which
is to be seen.

_Al. _ Nay, I'll assure you, 'tis a wonderful charming Sight.

_Ba. _ Why do you plague me at this Rate? Tell me, where 'tis you see it.

_Al. _ Upon the left Hand there in the Grove, under the Side of the Hill.

_Ba. _ I see the Hill, but I can see nothing else.

_Al. _ No! don't you see a Company of pretty Maids there?

_Ba. _ What do you mean, to make a Fool of me at this Rate? I can't see a
bit of a Maid any where.

_Al. _ Hush, they're just now coming out of the Grove. Oh admirable! How
neat they are! How charmingly they look! 'Tis a heavenly Sight.

_Ba. _ What! Are you possess'd?

_Al. _ Oh, I know who they are; they're the nine Muses and the three
Graces, I wonder what they're a-doing. I never in all my Life saw 'em
more charmingly dress'd, nor in a gayer Humour; they have every one of
'em got Crowns of Laurel upon their Heads, and their Instruments of
Musick in their Hands. And how lovingly the Graces go Side by Side! How
becomingly they look in their loose Dress, with their Garments flowing
and trailing after 'em.

_Ba. _ I never heard any Body talk more like a mad Man in all my Days,
than you do.

_Al. _ You never saw a happier Man in all your Life-Time.

_Ba. _ Pray what's the Matter, that you can see and I can't?

_Al. _ Because you have never drank of the Muses Fountain; and no Body
can see 'em but they that have.

_Ba. _ I have drank plentifully out of _Scotus's_ Fountain.

_Al. _ But that is not the Fountain of the Muses, but a Lake of Frogs.

_Ba. _ But can't you do something to make me see this Sight, as well as
you?

_Al. _ I could if I had a Laurel-Branch here, for Water out of a clear
Spring, sprinkled upon one with a Laurel Bough, makes the Eyes capable
of such Sights as these.

_Ba. _ Why, see here is a Laurel and a Fountain too.

_Al. _ Is there? That's clever, I vow.

_Ba. _ But prithee, sprinkle me with it.

_Al. _ Now look, do you see now?

_Ba. _ As much as I did before. Sprinkle me again.

_Al. _ Well, now do you see?

_Ba. _ Just as much; sprinkle me plentifully.

_Al. _ I believe you can't but see now.

_Ba. _ Now I can scarce see you.

_Al.
_ Ah poor Man, how total a Darkness has seized your Eyes! This Art
would open even the Eyes of an old Coachman: But however, don't plague
yourself about it, perhaps 'tis better for you not to see it, lest you
should come off as ill by seeing the Muses, as _Actæon_ did by seeing
_Diana_: For you'd perhaps be in Danger of being turn'd either into a
Hedgehog, or a wild Boar, a Swine, a Camel, a Frog, or a Jackdaw. But
however, if you can't see, I'll make you hear 'em, if you don't make a
Noise; they are just a-coming this Way. Let's meet 'em. Hail, most
welcome Goddesses.

_Mu. _ And you heartily, Lover of the Muses.

_Al. _ What makes you pull me so?

_Ba. _ You an't as good as your Word.

_Al. _ Why don't you hear 'em?

_Ba. _ I hear somewhat, but I don't know what it is.

_Al. _ Well, I'll speak _Latin_ to 'em then. Whither are you going so
fine and so brisk? Are you going to _Louvain_ to see the University?

_Mu. _ No, we assure you, we won't go thither.

_Al. _ Why not?

_Mu. _ What Place is for us, where so many Hogs are grunting, Camels and
Asses braying, Jackdaws cawing, and Magpies chattering?

_Al. _ But for all that, there are some there that are your Admirers.

_Mu. _ We know that, and therefore we'll go thither a few Years hence.
The successive Period of Ages has not yet brought on that Time; for
there will be one, that will build us a pleasant House there, or a
Temple rather, such a one, as there scarce is a finer or more sacred any
where else.

_Al. _ Mayn't a Body know who it will be, that shall do so much Honour to
our Country?

_Mu. _ You may know it, that are one of our Priests. There's no doubt,
but you have heard the Name of the _Buslidians_, famous all the World
over.

_Al. _ You have mention'd a noble Family truly, born to grace the Palaces
of the greatest Princes in the Universe. For who does not revere the
great _Francis Buslidius_, the Bishop of the Church of _Bezancon_, who
has approv'd himself more than a single _Nestor_, to _Philip_ the Son
of _Maximilian_ the Great, the Father of _Charles_, who will also be a
greater Man than his Father?

_Mu. _ O how happy had we been, if the Fates had not envy'd the Earth the
Happiness of so great a Man, What a Patron was he to all liberal
Studies! How candid a Favourer of Ingenuity! But he has left two
brothers, _Giles_ a Man of admirable Judgment and Wisdom, and _Jerome_.

_Al. _ We know very well that _Jerome_ is singularly well accomplish'd
with all Manner of Literature, and adorn'd with every Kind of Virtue.

_Mu. _ But the Destinies won't suffer him to be long-liv'd neither,
though no Man in the World better deserves to be immortaliz'd.

_Al. _ How do you know that?

_Mu. _ We had it from _Apollo_.

_Al. _ How envious are the Destinies, to take from us all desirable
Things so hastily!

_Mu. _ We must not talk of that at this Time; but this _Jerome_, dying
with great Applause, will leave his whole Estate for the building of a
College at _Louvain_, in which most learned Men shall profess and teach
publickly, and gratis, the three Languages. These Things will bring a
great Ornament to Learning, and Glory to _Charles_ himself: Then we'll
reside at _Louvain_, with all our Hearts.

_Al. _ But whither are you going now?

_Mu. _ To _Antwerp_.

_Al. _ What, the Muses and Graces going to a Fair?

_Mu. _ No, we assure you, we are not going to a Fair; but to a Wedding.

_Al. _ What have Virgins to do at Weddings?

_Mu. _ 'Tis no indecent Thing at all, for Virgins to be at such a Wedding
as this is.

_Al. _ Pray what Sort of a Marriage is it?

_Mu. _ A holy, undefiled, and chaste Marriage, such a one as _Pallas_
herself need not be asham'd to be at: Nay, more than that, we believe
she will be at it.

_Al. _ Mayn't a Body know the Bride and Bridegroom's Name?

_Mu. _ We believe you must needs know that most courteous and
accomplish'd Youth in all Kinds of polite Learning, _Peter Ægidius_.

_Al. _ You have named an Angel, not a Man.

_Mu. _ The pretty Maid _Cornelia_, a fit Match for _Apollo_ himself, is
going to be married to _Ægidius_.

_Al. _ Indeed he has been a great Admirer of you, even from his Infancy.

_Mu. _ We are going to sing him an Epithalamium.

_Al. _ What, and will the Graces dance too?

_Mu. _ They will not only dance, but they will also unite those two true
Lovers, with the indissoluble Ties of mutual Affection, that no
Difference or Jarring shall ever happen between 'em. She shall never
hear any Thing from him, but my Life; nor he from her, but my Soul: Nay:
and even old Age itself, shall be so far from diminishing that, that it
shall increase the Pleasure.

_Al. _ I should admire at it, if those that live so sweetly, could ever
be able to grow old.

_Mu. _ You say very right, for it is rather a Maturity, than an old Age.

_Al. _ But I have known a great many, to whom these kind Words have been
chang'd into the quite contrary, in less than three Months Time; and
instead of pleasant Jests at Table, Dishes and Trenchers have flown
about. The Husband, instead of my dear Soul, has been call'd Blockhead,
Toss-Pot, Swill-Tub; and the Wife, Sow, Fool, dirty Drab.

_Mu. _ You say very true; but these Marriages were made when the Graces
were out of Humour: But in this Marriage, a Sweetness of Temper will
always maintain a mutual Affection.

_Al. _ Indeed you speak of such a happy Marriage as is very seldom seen.

_Mu. _ An uncommon Felicity is due to such uncommon Virtues.

_Al. _ But what! Will the Matrimony be without _Juno_ and _Venus_?

_Mu. _ Indeed _Juno_ won't be there, she's a scolding Goddess, and is but
seldom in a good Humour with her own _Jove_. Nor indeed, that earthly
drunken _Venus_; but another heavenly one, which makes a Union of Minds.

_Al. _ Then the Marriage you speak of, is like to be a barren one.

_Mu. _ No, by no Means, but rather like to be the most happily fruitful.

_Al. _ What, does that heavenly _Venus_ produce any Thing but Souls then?

_Mu. _ Yes, she gives Bodies to the Souls; but such Bodies, as shall be
exactly conformable to 'em, just as though you should put a choice
Ointment into a curious Box of Pearl.

_Al. _ Where is she then?

_Mu. _ Look, she is coming towards you, a pretty Way off.

_Al. _ Oh! I see her now. O good God, how bright she is! How majestical
and beautiful she appears! The t'other _Venus_ compar'd with this, is a
homely one.

_Mu. _ Do you see what modest _Cupids_ there are; they are no blind ones,
such as that _Venus_ has, that makes Mankind mad? But these are sharp
little Rogues, and they don't carry furious Torches, but most gentle
Fires; they have no leaden-pointed Darts, to make the belov'd hate the
Lover, and torment poor Wretches with the Want of a reciprocal
Affection.

_Al. _ In Truth, they're as like their Mother as can be. Oh, that's a
blessed House, and dearly belov'd by the Gods! But may not a Body hear
the Marriage-Song that you design to present 'em with?

_Mu. _ Nay, we were just a-going to ask you to hear it.

CLIO.
Peter _hath married fair_ Cornelia, _Propitious Heaven! bless
the Wedding-Day. _

MELPOMENE.
_Concord of_ Turtle-Doves _between them be, And of the_
Jack-daw _the Vivacity_.

THALIA.
_From_ Gracchus _may he win the Prize, And for_ Cornelia's
_Life, his own despise. _

EUTERPE.
_May she in Love exceed_ Admetus' _Wife, Who laid her own
down, for her Husband's Life. _

TERPSICHORE.
_May he love her with stronger Flame, But much more
happy Fate, Than_ Plaucius, _who did disdain To out-live his deceas'd
Mate. _

ERATO.
_May she love him with no less Flame, But with much better
Fate; Than_ Porcia _chaste, her_ Brutus _did, Whom brave Men celebrate. _

CALLIOPE.
_For Constancy, I wish the Bridegroom may Be equal to the
famous_ Nasica.

URANIA.
_The Bride in Chastity may she Superior to_ Paterculana _be. _

POLYHYMNIA.
_May their Offspring like them be, Their Honour equal
their Estate; Always from ranc'rous Envy free, Deserved Glory on them
wait. _


_Al. _ I should very much envy _Peter Ægidius_ so much Happiness, but
that he is a Man of such Candour, that he himself envies no Body.

_Mu. _ It is now high Time for us to prosecute our Journey.

_Al. _ Have you any Service to command me at _Louvain_?

_Mu. _ That thou wouldst recommend us to all our sincere loving Friends;
but especially to our antient Admirers. _John Paludus, Jodocus Gaverius,
Martin Dorpius_, and _John Borsalus. _

_Al. _ Well, I'll be sure to take Care to do your Message. What shall I
say to the rest?

_Mu. _ I'll tell you in your Ear.

_Al. _ Well, 'tis a Matter that won't cost very much; it shall certainly
be done out of Hand.




_The EXORCISM or APPARITION. _


The ARGUMENT.

_This Colloquy detects the Artifices of Impostors, who
impose upon the credulous and simple, framing Stories of
Apparitions of Daemons and Ghosts, and divine Voices. _
Polus _is the Author of a Rumour, that an Apparition of a
certain Soul was heard in his Grounds, howling after a
lamentable Manner: At another Place he pretends to see a
Dragon in the Air, in the middle of the Day, and
persuades other Persons that they saw it too; and he
prevails upon_ Faunus, _a Parish-Priest of a neighbouring
Town, to make Trial of the Truth of the Matters, who
consents to do it, and prepares Exorcisms. _ Polus _gets
upon a black Horse, throws Fire about, and with divers
Tricks deceives credulous_ Faunus, _and other Men of none
of the deepest Penetration. _


THOMAS _and_ ANSELM.

_Tho. _ What good News have you had, that you laugh to yourself thus, as
if you had found a Treasure?

_Ans. _ Nay, you are not far from the Matter.

_Tho. _ But won't you impart it to your Companion, what good Thing soever
it is?

_Ans. _ Yes, I will, for I have been wishing a good While, for somebody
to communicate my Merriment to.

_Tho. _ Come on then, let's have it.

_Ans. _ I was just now told the pleasantest Story, which you'd swear was
a Sham, if I did not know the Place, the Persons, and whole Matter, as
well as you know me.

_Tho. _ I'm with Child to hear it.

_Ans. _ Do you know _Polus, Faunus_'s Son-in-Law?

_Tho. _ Perfectly well.

_Ans. _ He's both the Contriver and Actor of this Play.

_Tho. _ I am apt enough to believe that; for he can Act any Part to the
Life.

_Ans. _ He can so: I suppose too, you know that he has a Farm not far
from _London_.

_Tho. _ Phoo, very well; he and I have drank together many a Time there.