-
Like Mending Chimneys by Mail.
Like Mending Chimneys by Mail.
Adams-Great-American-Fraud
"
"Seabury and Johnson," (This firm, like Parke, Davis & Co. , is an
"ethical" concern. )
"Is there anything izi them at all? "
"Yes there is," said Mr. Bird Collins earnestly. "There's money in
'em if they're pushed right. " And he proceeded with an impressive line of promoter's argument, Avhich I refrain from reproducing, this not being a financial article.
Radium Radia is another attempt to trade upon the public superstition regarding supposed wonderful qualities of the |_ittle understood element.
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It is really a patent medicine ratlier than a specific form of quackerv. and I mention it onh' to state that it contains no radium, and that its name is typical of its swindling purpose. The same is true of Radiumite, a cure-all which consists of zinc sulfid and lead.
The truly profitable way of furnishing- radium to the public is to find a phu-e where it sjjouts from the ground. Such a spot has been discovered at C'laremore, Indian Territory, by an association of highly respected business men and bunco practitioners from Fort Smith, Arkansas, calling themselves '"The Claremore Radium Wells Co. "
Their circular embodies a picture of a young female exhaling zigzag streaks from her head and hands in a manner to suggest that she has just been short-circuited, the illustration being labeled ""Radium Emana- tions from Human Bcdy after a Bath. " The literature goes on to describe in modest and restrained terms the virtues of the spring.
'"This magic mineral Radium Water has more miraculous and wonder- ful cures to its credit than any other known agency. . . . Hundreds are being cured of all manner of diseases, and no failures with this Magical Mineral Radium Water, icithoiit the use of medicine. Drink the ^Magical Mineral Radium Water for rheumatism, all blood diseases, all kinds lung and stomach troubles and Bright's diseases [sic). It cures quick. ""
The baldness of the fake is enhanced by the inclusion in the circular of a chemical analysis of the water, showing absolutely no radium or radium-producing constituents. As a fitting close to this remarkable instance of swindling, which the correspondent Who calls it to my atten- tion characterizes as "evidently designed to test the limits of human credulity," I can do no better than reproduce in its own form the caution in the Claremore Radium Wells Co. circular:
A WARXIXG TO THE PUBLIC.
BE^VAEE OF FAKE RADIUM WATER W^HEX IN CLAREMORE FOB BATHS.
and to add, lest there be any misapprehension, that the chief "Fake Radium Water" in Claremore is that furnished bv the Claremore Radium Wells Co.
Magnetism is still "good graft. " Its mystical suggestion, appealing to superstitious hope, ofi'ers the proper medium for skilled quackery. Prof. S. Alalcolm Watson, R. S. (whatever that may mean), of Battle Creek, Michigan, operates in this field. Vibro Discs are his wares. They are exploited to cure rheumatism. Prof, Watson's advertising matter is cal- culated to inspire it. I have seen nothing more ingenious in the realm of patent medicine literature.
The Professor's letters, too, are models of altruism. He yearns to cure you, not so much for his good as yours. The $5 which he proposes to charge you is merely nominal. If, after you have nibbled at his bait the first time, he fails to hook ycu, he lowers his price to ,$"2. 50. Let this letter go unanswered for a fortnight, and he comes after you with a final proposition to throw in a bottle of ^"ibro Oil, although the Vibro Discs and the Vibro Tablets, which are an "infallible cure," would seem to be sufficient. Alark the pathos of this last Watsonian plea:
"I have written you several kind and courteous letters, but so far you do not seem to have made the least reply. All this is very strange and to mg rather painful. Of course there may be a just cause for your silence. But if no such cause exists you must admit that T am not get- ting a fair return for the good I have tried to do and the courtesy I have shown you. "
How to be Your Own Magnetizer.
"Prof. " Watson's Vibro Discs are merely plasters to be affixed to the soles of the feet. Vibro Tablets and Vibro Oil are ordinary preparations
? 94
put up for him by a drug firm. In none of them is there any more curative "vibration" or "galvanism" than in a lump of mud. In the interests of those suffering from rheumatic ailments I will give the fol- lowing prescription free, which I will guarantee to be as efficacious as Prof. Watson's Vibro treatment, and considerably less expensive. Pur- chase at any drug store one two-cent stamp (the one-cent variety will do in incipient cases), afiix it firmly to the base of the spinal column, and while seated upon it take one bread pill (brown or white), whenever you happen to think of it. The stamp will provide fully as much vibra- tion as Prof. Watson's discs, and the bread pill will be better for you than his tablets. Just at present the Vibro-Scientist is under a cloud, his mail having been suppressed as fraudulent, but he will probably
HORRIBLE SIGHT AT CLAREMORE WELLS.
This picture is taken from the circular issued by the Claremore Radium Wells Co. , of Claremore, Indian Territory. No explanation is made of why the lady has had her head and her hands cut off after a hath. It seems a cruel practice
even if the resultant pyrotechnic effects are genuine.
bob up again in some new spot, unless the fraud-empoAvering bill, pending at Washington, ties the hands of the Post-Office Department and gives Prof. Watson a practical license to resume business at the old stand.
Magic Foot Drafts, made at Jackson, Michigan, belong to this same class. Affixed to the soles of the feet they are advertised as drawing out the rheumatic poison from the whole system. Of course they might as well be affixed to the barn door, so far as any uric acid extraction is con- cerned. They are a compound of poke-root, pine tar, and corn meal. Prof. E. C. Goddard, manager of the Crescent Magnetic Appliance Co. of St. Louis, also has a "foot-battery" to be attached to any form of insole and a magnetic (not an electric) belt "guaranteed to throw a magnetic current through six inches of solid glass, stone, wood or other substance. "
)
? This claim is no more preposterous than the company's offer to cure heart disease, epilepsy, paralysis, rheumatism, insomnia, and general debility by means of their contrivances. On this same principle of pasting a label on the outside of oneself to cure something wrong with one's inside is Dr. Young's "Peptopads," which, like the Magic Fcot Drafts, hail from Jackson, Michigan. Aflix one of these to your solar plexus and, according to the advertisement, you will not only recover from any stomach ail- ment, but "you can eat what you want and all you want. " This, I sup- pose, operates on the simple and well-known principle of sticking a piece of court-plaster on the back of a watch to repair a broken mainspring.
But the King of Quackdom in the magnetism field is C. J. Thacher, M. D. , of Chicago. His powers are cribbed, cabined, and confined by no arbitrary limits. He would scorn to restrict himself to any one disease or class of diseases. Thacher will cure anything, paralysis, consumption, Bright's disease, obesity, insanity or senility; it's all one to him. Just let him get the patient inside a set of "the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields," and disease and death must slink away, impotent and ashamed. Hear the trumpet-tones of Thacher, via the New York "Am. erican:"
"I want to say to every man, woman and child within my reach that I can cure any disease that afflicts the human race. I make that state- ment just as broad, sweeping and all-inclusive as I know how. I don't care what the disease is, nor how bad it is, nor how many other diseases are complicated with it, I am as positive that I can cure them all with the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields as I am that the sun will rise in the morning. "
When I called at 161 State Street^ Chicago, to see the worker of these miracles, I found a big, gaunt old man, with a formidable head^ a for- midable voice, and a still more formidable manner. He wore a magnetic cap, a magnetic waistcoat, magnetic insoles, and his legs were sw^athed like a mummy's in magnetic wrappings. It made one perspire to look at him. The outset of the conversation, I regret to report, v>>^as unpropitious. Upon learning of my errand, the aged Thacher proceeded to thunder eloquent denunciations. Because of what he termed "wholesale and un- warranted attacks" he couldn't get his advertisements in the best news- papers, nor would the high-class office buildings accept him as a tenant.
(Real estate men in Chicago seem to be more particular than in New York, where the Flatiron Building accepts Waters-of-Life Isham, the blood-brother in quackery of Thacher, et al. ) He was confounded with every quack that chose to exploit himself. He, -Thacher, was no quack. He defied anyone to call him a quack. At this point, observing that his hearer was properly impressed and alarmed, he became mild and confiden- tial, and delivered a lecture which I think was devised for prospective patients. A few of the gems (unset, of necessity) follow:
"My object is to spread the light: to rescue humanity. I can cure them of anything! I write and I lecture. The people fiock to hear me. In time they will compel the authorities to take notice of my methods. "
( Presumably Dr. Thacher did not have in mind the Post-Office authorities. "I will extend my Magnetic Shield treatment to the Government. I will say, 'Take it! Take it! and set the people free. '
"Insanity! " (Whacking himself on the magnetic-cap. ) "Insanity! Simple as daylight! Let the authorities turn over ten cases to me. I'll put my magnetic shields on 'em and cure 'em. Restore the harmonious vibrations of the brain and everything is well.
"Paralysis! " (Hammering himself on his magnetic leg-swaddlings. "Easy problem. Had five cases. Couldn't wink or speak or move finger or toe. Put suits on 'em and cured 'em. Cured 'em right off. Winked. Spoke. Moved finger and toe. Got up and walked. Paralysis! Pish! "
? 96
Dr. Thacher proceeded to explain that in every square of his magnetic garments is a small magnet, the total lifting power of a full suit being 250 pounds. On this basis there seems to be something wrong with my
sample of magnetic insoles, as the very slightly magnetized steel in them won't lift its own weight. At this rate a full outfit, having the lifting power claimed by the inventor, would be rather cumbrous for summer wear, as it would weigh about a quarter of a ton.
? 3 <o
1-^ CD
Pi a
-< H
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Of the making of "electric belts" and other fake forms of electric "cures. " there is apparently no end. Most of them purport to relieve general debility. They may have a brief stimulating influence, but the stimulus soon wears off, leaving the dupe worse than he was before. Aa cures for rheumatism, paralysis, and the other diseases which they pre- tend to eradicate, they are simple frauds one and all. Moreover, most of them when worn next the skin produce ugly and poisoned sores, from the chemical action. Extreme instances of swindling claims are afforded by "Tlie Electricure," which modestly offers to cure absolutely "consumption, paralysis, rheumatism, heart disease, and all acute, chronic or organic diseases," and the "Electro-Chemical Ring," which cures diabetes, epi- lepsy and rheumatism merely by being worn on the finger. .
From Quackery to Miracles.
At the apex of the profession of quacker}^ stands the miracle-worker proper. Usually he is an itinerant, traveling after the manner of his fellow parasite, the flea, by long leaps. One week he will be in Cincin- nati, the next in Chattanooga, and a fortnight later in New Orleans. His advertising methods are those of the circus. One of this class, W'ho swings around the circle in western New York, is a singular creature, whose stage name is "The Great Vurpillat. " He travels w-ith a brass band and a six-horse team, duly blanketed with his name, and precedes his "lecture" with a vaudeville show. Newspapers that want his adver- tising must print it as legitimate news, which, to their discredit, many of them do. In the Rochester Union and Advertiser, for instance, I find his three-quarters of a column next to reading matter and with no mark to designate it as advertising. The Great Vurpillat's system is to hire a vacant hall, or, in warm weather, a vacant lot, give his little show, and then proceed to "demonstrate. " For instance, a member of the audience presents himself to be cured of deafness. The Great Vurpillat stands fiifteen feet away from the patient, and in a voice like a dying saint's last whisper inquires: "Can you hear me speak? "
"No," replies the patient in ansAver to the expression of inquiry on the demonstrator's face. - Anointment with some kind of embrocation follows, after which the wonder-worker moves away forty or fifty feet, and thun-
derously bellows: "Can you hear me now? "
"Yes," says the startled victim.
On the following day the Unio7i and Advertiser dutifully announces
that "after the Great Vurpillat had demonstrated upon him with his wonderful new discovery, Mr. Leideeker said he could hear Vurpillat's voice at a distance of sixty feet. "
The New Orleans States sells its space to a species of quackery so blas- phemous that the clergy of that city might well make it the subject of concerted protest. The advertiser is a "Panopathic Professor," Wallace Hadley of New York, who offers to cure all diseases at any distance, and thus exploits himself in huge type:
HAS HE THE POWER DIVINE?
Ministers of the Gospel say he is Gifted of God, and Praise Him for His Help to Suffering Humanity.
Professor Hadley, when not itinerating, is the medical director and working head of the Force of Life Co.
Toledo has a curious quack who describes his alleged successes aa "jNIodern Miracles. " He calls himself "Professor Larmouth," under which name he conducts a "Health Home. " He is cunning, ignorant and with- out genuine medical qualifications, in spite of which he has as partner
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in his noisome enterprise the proprietor of one of Toledo's principal news- paperS;, a gentleman who takes pride in his record as a public influence for good through lectures and Y. M. C. A. addresses; yet who takes profit from a swindle, compared to which three-card monte is respectable and harmless.
Every city has its quacks of the miracle-working kind. Mostly they prey upon the ignorant, and Avhen the field of one locality is worked out they move to another, leaving their former province to some suc- cessor of their kind. For upon this profitable principle all medical bunco is built; that the human sheep once fleeced soon grows another crop for the benefit of the comintTj shearer.
I
? Reprinted from Collier's Weekly, Sept. 1, 1906.
III. THE SPECIALIST HUMBUG,
Specializing is the modern tendency in medical practice. Hence the quack, who is but an exaggerated and grotesque imitation of the regular practitioner, smells money in devoting himself to specific fields of en- deavor. Sedulously he perfects himself in his own department; not by acquiring knowledge of the nature and treatment of disease, indeed, but by studying how most effectively to enmesh the sufferer from a certain class of ailments in the net of his specious promises. Upon his skill here depends his success. Experience teaches him nothing of professional
value, for the vast majority of his "patients'^ he never sees. He diag- noses by mail and doses by express. His "consultation" correspondence is carried on through a series of ingeniously devised form-letters, worded to suit every case and turned out by a corps of typew^riters. The average advertising specialist concern would work just as well if the "doctor" him- self spent his time fishing for finned suckers and left his trained stenog- ; raphers to attend to the human variety.
Blindness and deafness are fattening afflictions for the medical guer- ' rillas. With a little reading, a few borrowed scientific phrases and illustrations wherewdth to garnish his booklet, and an apt catchword for his advertising, your eye or ear specialist, or eye and ear specialist--'- for some of them combine the two--is ready for business. To get his patients he appeals to a deep-rooted and universal instinct, the piteous shrinking of the flesh and spirit from cold steel, so often the cruel neces- sity and the merciful hope of the afflicted.
-
Like Mending Chimneys by Mail.
"Don't undergo an ojDeration. Come to me and spare yourself the tor- ture of the knife," loudly invites the quack. What matters, it to him that the time wasted in his futile processes may mean sight or hearing Vv'asted, also, and beyond chance of recovery! He gets his pay; that's his whole concern. For this he will promise to cure you, not only without operation, but without even seeing you. Can the mind conceive any- - thing more preposterous? Here are two instruments of nerve and muscle, infinitely delicate, inscrutably efficient and accurate. The eye is a marvel of mathematical adjustment in angles and curves of vision. Our precious quack proposes to~ solve the problem of its distorted equations without the slighest study of the figures. Could he work out a geometri- cal thesis without a diagram? Could he survey a field by mail? The problems of hearing are almost as intricate and far more obscure than those of seeing. The self-styled "Eminent Aurist'^ will remedy the most difficult defects without a personal examination. Would he essay to repair a defective chimney flue by "home treatment? " The proposition is a far more reasonable one. Yet the eternally hopeful, eternally credu- lous fill the mails with trusting appeals and dollars addressed to these- swindlers, and thus lighten themselves for a swifter flight to darkness and silence.
If I were organizing an American Institute of Quack Specialists I should select Dr. Oren Oneal of Chicago as the first president. The artful plausi- bility of his advertising, his ingenuity in "jollying along" the patient for
his reluctant dollars, the widespread familiarity of his features through the magazine advertising pages, and, above all, his sleek and polished personality, make him the natural candidate. A high-class exponent of the charlatan's art is Dr. Oren. No raw newspaper advertising for him! He prefers the magazines, and the bane of his business existence is that, .
? in j> *
t
"G! ai>&es not necessary . . s out;of 100. "
. -L. ^i. '^/
. . :iii ? h,iA. _^liLA are_____
n< i
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d^^ ^^
100
one by one, they are closing their pages to him. But he is usually the last of the patent medicine and quack ilk to go. McChire's stood by him long after all the other medical advertising had been expunged from its pages. His bland and benevolent features shone forth like a benison from the rear of Collier's for years. Harper's still harbors him, and he is a particular pet of the religious weeklies--at special rates.
"Dissolvent Method" is the Oncal slogan. No matter what the trouble may be, he "dissolves" it away. "How I Make the Blind See and Cure All Eye Diseases in Patient's Own Home Without the Knife/' is the modest heading of one of his advertisements in that model of religious journalism, the Christian Endeavor World. "By this mild and harmless treatment," he announces, "I have restored sight to thousands in all parts of the world. With it I have cured cataract, optic nerve paralysis.
How Much Would You Take for
Your Eyes?
Would You Sell Them at Any Price?
Ml w 1
n t\t-^ 1 r1--
H^Il]^ t 11 !
^:3 "^^mT
OREN ONEAL.
A high-class eye quack who will undertal^e to cure incurable blindness.
granulated {sic) lids, pannus, pterygium, glaucoma, ccnjeetion {sic) of the optic nerves, weak, watery eyes and all other eye diseases. " All this he will do for the moderate price of fifty dollars--sometimes for twenty-five, but the patient must put down part of the money in advance. Give him his pay and Oneal will undertake the impossible on any one's eyes; not only this, but he will undertake to cure cases wdiich he himself knows to be incurable. His "Dissolvent Method" is a high-sounding name foi a cheap eye-wash which can no more cure any serious derangement than can plain water. This he sends out by express with impressive directions as to use.
When I called upon Dr. Oneal at his office he assured me that he was doing a perfectly legitimate business, and that I was making a grave error in listing him with the quacks. As he spoke he was facing a wall on which hung a number of framed documents. One was a certificate
cr,) ,
? p<,i; ^ .
O '' '?
'
? 101
of mpmbersllip in the American Medical Association, which is the standard medical body of the country. Dr. Oneal was forced out of it several years ago for unprofessional conduct. Nevertheless, he keeps the old certificate on exhibit. Xeinlibovinfi- tlie outlawed certificate were two others, one of a high-sounding organization whose sole purpose is to issue framable parchments to doctors of dubious standing, the other certifying that Dr. Orcn Oneal was a member of the staff of St. Luke's Hosnital at Niles, Michigan. Dr. Oneal has never been in Xiles, Michigan. He has had no relation with St. Luke's Hospital of that town, because there is no such institution. The document he purchased from a quack named Probert, who did a little peddling business in this line, charging $20 for the framed article when he couldn't get $25. Dr. B. F. Bye of cancer fame has one of these, and I have seen them decorating the offices of other quacks.
For the conduct of a perfectly legitimate business these were three obviously rotten props. A fourth was supplied by a copy of the 'Mew York Health Journal, used by Dr. Oneal as a warrant of professional standing, and containing an "unqualified editorial endorsement" (leading editorial) of that gentleman's method and practice. Xow, the New York Health Journal (since happily defunct) was, as I have observed before in the Liquozone matter and elsewhere, a fake, pure and simple. It printed no "editorial endorsements" except for cold cash. As Dr. Oneal doesn't remember paying for his puff, I assume that the firm which places his advertising did it for him. One other bit of suggestive evi- cience is found in the Nebraska State Board of Health Records, showing that in 1899 the Board secretaries recommended the revocation of Dr. Oren Oneal's license "on the ground of unprofessional and dishonorable conduct. "
Invents Unknown Diseases.
So much as to Oneal's standing. Now as to his methods. About a year ago a certain Mrs. Price wrote him; giving the details of an incurable case and asking if he could cure her. He replied:
"I find the trouble to be paralysis of the optic nerve. [There is no such condition; he meant, as he afterward admitted, atrophy of the optic nerve. ] I have been especially successful in curing such troubles as yours. [In a letter to another prospective patient, shown me as evi- dence that he would not take money from hopeless cases, he distinctly states that paralysis of the optic nerve "will not respond to any treat- ment. "] So positive am I that your case is curable and that you can be cured in a short time, that I will promise to continue the treatment free of charge after five months. " [Her condition, as described by her, was obviously and hopelessly incurable. ]
Here, then, is "the most successful oculist of modern times" {vide his ow^n modest claim) diagnosing a condition which doesn't exist, and prom- ising to cure a disea'^c wliich he himself admits elsewhere to be incurable. The matter of Mrs. Price's eyes never came to a test, because she offered to deposit one hundred dollars (twice his price) to be paid to him when a cure was effected, whereupon he wrote her one epistle replete with pained dignity, and charged up his letter-forms and postage to profit and loss.
i\n Eastern ophthalmologist filled out one of Dr. Oneal's diagnosis blanks with the unmistakable description of an incurable case of atrophy of the optic nerve, which the learned specialist promptly diagnosed as cataract, and offered to cure for fifty dollars. Strabismus (cross-eyes) is one of Dr. Oneal's specialties. I asked him how he cured this trouble without the knife to which he replied that he had never made such a claim. On the following day he sent to my hotel (for the purpose of
? 102
proving that his methods were perfectly upright) a quantity of adver- tising matter, which he had apparently not censored, as it contained a diagnosis blank bearing these words: "Cross-eyes straightened in two minutes without knife, pain, or inconvenience. " When this slight dis- crepancy was called to his attention he tried to explain it away by saying that he used "an instrument of my own invention. " Technically, this instrument is a kind of scissors; but I fail to see how the patient who is lured to Dr. Oneal's office by promises of non-surgical cure ("Eye Diseases Cured Without Surgery" is the title of his book) suffers the less because the operator's instTument has two blades instead of one. Oneal says:
The Absorption Treatment AS ORIGINATED AND PERFECTEB BY
B^ OB. W. 0.
. CUBES . .
^M-
%m DR. V\. O. COFFEP
DR. W. O. COFFEE.
A strongly endorsed long-distance healer.
"I make no guarantee to cure," I have his letter guaranteeing a cure. He saj^s: "Neither do I charge for a cure. " I have his letter naming fifty dollars as the price of a cure. He says: "I will not under any cir- cumstances treat a case or take money when I think there is any doubt of effecting a cure. " I have his letters offering to treat hopeless cases, and other letters from him offering to take cases which he admits are probably incurable. In the face of all this, Oneal writes me a personal letter 'deprecating any attack upon him, and saying: "All you have against me. is a few technicalities--a few words which have crept into my literature to which you take exception. " Dr. Oneal is proceeding on a false premise. I have nothing against him; I found him a singularly agreeable and frank specimen of the genus Quack. But every man,
COFFEE
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\A-OTnnn nnd ehilfl who reads his adveTti-^einents lias this against him and against the magazines that print liis stuff; that he is a maker of lying promises, a deliberate swindlei'^ and a tamperer with blindness at the peril of others^ for a fifty-dcllar fee.
"Absorption iMethod"' is the professional catch-phrase of Dr. W. 0. Cofi'ee of Des jNIoines, Iowa, where he runs an eye-and-ear infirmary, and does an extensive bunco business by mail. Dr. Coffee's stock in trade as an oculist is a large supply of cheek and a copy of '"'External Diseases of the Eye," by Haab of Ijerlin. Professor Haab is a genuine authority and his book is an excellent foundation for eye practice, but not as Coffee uses it. The Des Moines expert's interest is confined to the pictures, which are in color and are rather painful to look at; just the sort of thing to set one worrying about his own eyes. Herein lies their value to the shrewd Coffee. He gets up a book of his own. all about himself and his successful Absorption Treatment; and. applying the treatment to the Haab volume, absorbs the illustrations wdiole.
Stolen Goods Improved.
For instance. Table 19 in the Haab book shows a badly mutilated eye
labeled "Lime-burn, caused by the explosion of a bottle. " That is wdiat Haab thought of it. Deluded Teuton! This same picture transferred to Coffee's classic work is described in the following bold and masterly strokes. "This eye was afflicted with granulated lids and ulcers, follow- ing inflammation. There is no known remedy that will remove these s^iots except Dr. Coffee's absorption treatment, and it will do it com- pletely. This case required three months to absorb the scum and scar and clear up the sight. " On the same plate of Haab's book appears an illustration of "Lime-burn of longer standing in the case of a mason mix- ing lime. " How tame, compared to the spirited Coffee version of the same eye! "Chronic ulcers of the eye and cataract. This eye had been diseased for four years, but only bad about one year. It had been treated by two different oculists with but temporary relief, and they wanted to operate, but the patient would not submit, and, hearing of Dr. Coffee, came to him, and in five months' use of the absorption treat- ment, sight was restored almost completely. " It is impossible to withhold a tribute to the calm and logical mind of the mason wdio owned the eye. An ordinary man, into whose optical cavity lime had spurted, would, in the instancy of his pain, rush to the nearest doctor. Net so our German friend.
"Wait," savs he to himself, "don't let's be hasty. This is a case for Coffee. Me for Des Moines, U. S. A. "
So he changes his clothes, buys him a ticket and comes over to be examined. Probably he tells Coffee about the lime incident.
'Lime? " says that Eminent Authority. "Pooh! Not at all. The trouble was caused by a general practitioner using sugar-of-lead eye- water in the eye. [This last is quoted direct from the Coffee book. ] Ulcers. Also cataract. I'll cure you. "
And he did it, so he says, in five months.
Imagine the surprise and relief of the mason at discovering that what he had supposed was a splash of lime from the mixture he was working, was really a dose of sugar-of-lead eyewater surreptitiously introduced into his optic by a villainous general practitioner presumably operating a squirt-gun from a neighboring window. (Query: Could it have bee3 Haab himself, scheming to get a picture for his book? )
Eyes Repaired by Mail.
Again, Plate 32 of Haab's book shows two sj)ecimens: (A) Senile, cataract in a woman seventy-two years old; (B) cataract in a fourteen
? 104
year-old boy caused by falling against a table. In the Coffee tome, this identical Picture A appears as a before-using and Picture B as an after- using exhibit: "The patient/' says Dr. Coffee, "made the fatal error of submitting to an operation," with the result as shown in A; but after- ward came to Coffee, who repaired the damage as in B. Reasoning from the Coffee statement, it is plain that the aged lady and the unfortunate youth, having heard in their German homes that Dr. Coffee cured cataract by mail, promptly removed the injured organs and sent them, postage prepaid to Des Moines, where the specialist fixed one and returned it, but unfortunately mislaid the other, so that one of the senders must still be short of vision. But whether the venerable Frau is now cocking the eye of budding manhood at the village belles, or the youth peering cautiously at the Avorld with the seasoned and saddened outlook of seventy-tAvo years, is a matter requiring further investigation.
r
THE HOUSE THE QUACK BUILT.
Residence of W. O. Coffee in Des Moines, built from the dollars of dupes.
In vicAV of the "Eminent Authority's" qualifications as an Eminent Thief and Pre-eminent Liar, the mass of testimonials which he offers fails to impress me particularly, though some of the local ones interest me.
"Seabury and Johnson," (This firm, like Parke, Davis & Co. , is an
"ethical" concern. )
"Is there anything izi them at all? "
"Yes there is," said Mr. Bird Collins earnestly. "There's money in
'em if they're pushed right. " And he proceeded with an impressive line of promoter's argument, Avhich I refrain from reproducing, this not being a financial article.
Radium Radia is another attempt to trade upon the public superstition regarding supposed wonderful qualities of the |_ittle understood element.
? 93
It is really a patent medicine ratlier than a specific form of quackerv. and I mention it onh' to state that it contains no radium, and that its name is typical of its swindling purpose. The same is true of Radiumite, a cure-all which consists of zinc sulfid and lead.
The truly profitable way of furnishing- radium to the public is to find a phu-e where it sjjouts from the ground. Such a spot has been discovered at C'laremore, Indian Territory, by an association of highly respected business men and bunco practitioners from Fort Smith, Arkansas, calling themselves '"The Claremore Radium Wells Co. "
Their circular embodies a picture of a young female exhaling zigzag streaks from her head and hands in a manner to suggest that she has just been short-circuited, the illustration being labeled ""Radium Emana- tions from Human Bcdy after a Bath. " The literature goes on to describe in modest and restrained terms the virtues of the spring.
'"This magic mineral Radium Water has more miraculous and wonder- ful cures to its credit than any other known agency. . . . Hundreds are being cured of all manner of diseases, and no failures with this Magical Mineral Radium Water, icithoiit the use of medicine. Drink the ^Magical Mineral Radium Water for rheumatism, all blood diseases, all kinds lung and stomach troubles and Bright's diseases [sic). It cures quick. ""
The baldness of the fake is enhanced by the inclusion in the circular of a chemical analysis of the water, showing absolutely no radium or radium-producing constituents. As a fitting close to this remarkable instance of swindling, which the correspondent Who calls it to my atten- tion characterizes as "evidently designed to test the limits of human credulity," I can do no better than reproduce in its own form the caution in the Claremore Radium Wells Co. circular:
A WARXIXG TO THE PUBLIC.
BE^VAEE OF FAKE RADIUM WATER W^HEX IN CLAREMORE FOB BATHS.
and to add, lest there be any misapprehension, that the chief "Fake Radium Water" in Claremore is that furnished bv the Claremore Radium Wells Co.
Magnetism is still "good graft. " Its mystical suggestion, appealing to superstitious hope, ofi'ers the proper medium for skilled quackery. Prof. S. Alalcolm Watson, R. S. (whatever that may mean), of Battle Creek, Michigan, operates in this field. Vibro Discs are his wares. They are exploited to cure rheumatism. Prof, Watson's advertising matter is cal- culated to inspire it. I have seen nothing more ingenious in the realm of patent medicine literature.
The Professor's letters, too, are models of altruism. He yearns to cure you, not so much for his good as yours. The $5 which he proposes to charge you is merely nominal. If, after you have nibbled at his bait the first time, he fails to hook ycu, he lowers his price to ,$"2. 50. Let this letter go unanswered for a fortnight, and he comes after you with a final proposition to throw in a bottle of ^"ibro Oil, although the Vibro Discs and the Vibro Tablets, which are an "infallible cure," would seem to be sufficient. Alark the pathos of this last Watsonian plea:
"I have written you several kind and courteous letters, but so far you do not seem to have made the least reply. All this is very strange and to mg rather painful. Of course there may be a just cause for your silence. But if no such cause exists you must admit that T am not get- ting a fair return for the good I have tried to do and the courtesy I have shown you. "
How to be Your Own Magnetizer.
"Prof. " Watson's Vibro Discs are merely plasters to be affixed to the soles of the feet. Vibro Tablets and Vibro Oil are ordinary preparations
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put up for him by a drug firm. In none of them is there any more curative "vibration" or "galvanism" than in a lump of mud. In the interests of those suffering from rheumatic ailments I will give the fol- lowing prescription free, which I will guarantee to be as efficacious as Prof. Watson's Vibro treatment, and considerably less expensive. Pur- chase at any drug store one two-cent stamp (the one-cent variety will do in incipient cases), afiix it firmly to the base of the spinal column, and while seated upon it take one bread pill (brown or white), whenever you happen to think of it. The stamp will provide fully as much vibra- tion as Prof. Watson's discs, and the bread pill will be better for you than his tablets. Just at present the Vibro-Scientist is under a cloud, his mail having been suppressed as fraudulent, but he will probably
HORRIBLE SIGHT AT CLAREMORE WELLS.
This picture is taken from the circular issued by the Claremore Radium Wells Co. , of Claremore, Indian Territory. No explanation is made of why the lady has had her head and her hands cut off after a hath. It seems a cruel practice
even if the resultant pyrotechnic effects are genuine.
bob up again in some new spot, unless the fraud-empoAvering bill, pending at Washington, ties the hands of the Post-Office Department and gives Prof. Watson a practical license to resume business at the old stand.
Magic Foot Drafts, made at Jackson, Michigan, belong to this same class. Affixed to the soles of the feet they are advertised as drawing out the rheumatic poison from the whole system. Of course they might as well be affixed to the barn door, so far as any uric acid extraction is con- cerned. They are a compound of poke-root, pine tar, and corn meal. Prof. E. C. Goddard, manager of the Crescent Magnetic Appliance Co. of St. Louis, also has a "foot-battery" to be attached to any form of insole and a magnetic (not an electric) belt "guaranteed to throw a magnetic current through six inches of solid glass, stone, wood or other substance. "
)
? This claim is no more preposterous than the company's offer to cure heart disease, epilepsy, paralysis, rheumatism, insomnia, and general debility by means of their contrivances. On this same principle of pasting a label on the outside of oneself to cure something wrong with one's inside is Dr. Young's "Peptopads," which, like the Magic Fcot Drafts, hail from Jackson, Michigan. Aflix one of these to your solar plexus and, according to the advertisement, you will not only recover from any stomach ail- ment, but "you can eat what you want and all you want. " This, I sup- pose, operates on the simple and well-known principle of sticking a piece of court-plaster on the back of a watch to repair a broken mainspring.
But the King of Quackdom in the magnetism field is C. J. Thacher, M. D. , of Chicago. His powers are cribbed, cabined, and confined by no arbitrary limits. He would scorn to restrict himself to any one disease or class of diseases. Thacher will cure anything, paralysis, consumption, Bright's disease, obesity, insanity or senility; it's all one to him. Just let him get the patient inside a set of "the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields," and disease and death must slink away, impotent and ashamed. Hear the trumpet-tones of Thacher, via the New York "Am. erican:"
"I want to say to every man, woman and child within my reach that I can cure any disease that afflicts the human race. I make that state- ment just as broad, sweeping and all-inclusive as I know how. I don't care what the disease is, nor how bad it is, nor how many other diseases are complicated with it, I am as positive that I can cure them all with the famous Thacher Magnetic Shields as I am that the sun will rise in the morning. "
When I called at 161 State Street^ Chicago, to see the worker of these miracles, I found a big, gaunt old man, with a formidable head^ a for- midable voice, and a still more formidable manner. He wore a magnetic cap, a magnetic waistcoat, magnetic insoles, and his legs were sw^athed like a mummy's in magnetic wrappings. It made one perspire to look at him. The outset of the conversation, I regret to report, v>>^as unpropitious. Upon learning of my errand, the aged Thacher proceeded to thunder eloquent denunciations. Because of what he termed "wholesale and un- warranted attacks" he couldn't get his advertisements in the best news- papers, nor would the high-class office buildings accept him as a tenant.
(Real estate men in Chicago seem to be more particular than in New York, where the Flatiron Building accepts Waters-of-Life Isham, the blood-brother in quackery of Thacher, et al. ) He was confounded with every quack that chose to exploit himself. He, -Thacher, was no quack. He defied anyone to call him a quack. At this point, observing that his hearer was properly impressed and alarmed, he became mild and confiden- tial, and delivered a lecture which I think was devised for prospective patients. A few of the gems (unset, of necessity) follow:
"My object is to spread the light: to rescue humanity. I can cure them of anything! I write and I lecture. The people fiock to hear me. In time they will compel the authorities to take notice of my methods. "
( Presumably Dr. Thacher did not have in mind the Post-Office authorities. "I will extend my Magnetic Shield treatment to the Government. I will say, 'Take it! Take it! and set the people free. '
"Insanity! " (Whacking himself on the magnetic-cap. ) "Insanity! Simple as daylight! Let the authorities turn over ten cases to me. I'll put my magnetic shields on 'em and cure 'em. Restore the harmonious vibrations of the brain and everything is well.
"Paralysis! " (Hammering himself on his magnetic leg-swaddlings. "Easy problem. Had five cases. Couldn't wink or speak or move finger or toe. Put suits on 'em and cured 'em. Cured 'em right off. Winked. Spoke. Moved finger and toe. Got up and walked. Paralysis! Pish! "
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Dr. Thacher proceeded to explain that in every square of his magnetic garments is a small magnet, the total lifting power of a full suit being 250 pounds. On this basis there seems to be something wrong with my
sample of magnetic insoles, as the very slightly magnetized steel in them won't lift its own weight. At this rate a full outfit, having the lifting power claimed by the inventor, would be rather cumbrous for summer wear, as it would weigh about a quarter of a ton.
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Of the making of "electric belts" and other fake forms of electric "cures. " there is apparently no end. Most of them purport to relieve general debility. They may have a brief stimulating influence, but the stimulus soon wears off, leaving the dupe worse than he was before. Aa cures for rheumatism, paralysis, and the other diseases which they pre- tend to eradicate, they are simple frauds one and all. Moreover, most of them when worn next the skin produce ugly and poisoned sores, from the chemical action. Extreme instances of swindling claims are afforded by "Tlie Electricure," which modestly offers to cure absolutely "consumption, paralysis, rheumatism, heart disease, and all acute, chronic or organic diseases," and the "Electro-Chemical Ring," which cures diabetes, epi- lepsy and rheumatism merely by being worn on the finger. .
From Quackery to Miracles.
At the apex of the profession of quacker}^ stands the miracle-worker proper. Usually he is an itinerant, traveling after the manner of his fellow parasite, the flea, by long leaps. One week he will be in Cincin- nati, the next in Chattanooga, and a fortnight later in New Orleans. His advertising methods are those of the circus. One of this class, W'ho swings around the circle in western New York, is a singular creature, whose stage name is "The Great Vurpillat. " He travels w-ith a brass band and a six-horse team, duly blanketed with his name, and precedes his "lecture" with a vaudeville show. Newspapers that want his adver- tising must print it as legitimate news, which, to their discredit, many of them do. In the Rochester Union and Advertiser, for instance, I find his three-quarters of a column next to reading matter and with no mark to designate it as advertising. The Great Vurpillat's system is to hire a vacant hall, or, in warm weather, a vacant lot, give his little show, and then proceed to "demonstrate. " For instance, a member of the audience presents himself to be cured of deafness. The Great Vurpillat stands fiifteen feet away from the patient, and in a voice like a dying saint's last whisper inquires: "Can you hear me speak? "
"No," replies the patient in ansAver to the expression of inquiry on the demonstrator's face. - Anointment with some kind of embrocation follows, after which the wonder-worker moves away forty or fifty feet, and thun-
derously bellows: "Can you hear me now? "
"Yes," says the startled victim.
On the following day the Unio7i and Advertiser dutifully announces
that "after the Great Vurpillat had demonstrated upon him with his wonderful new discovery, Mr. Leideeker said he could hear Vurpillat's voice at a distance of sixty feet. "
The New Orleans States sells its space to a species of quackery so blas- phemous that the clergy of that city might well make it the subject of concerted protest. The advertiser is a "Panopathic Professor," Wallace Hadley of New York, who offers to cure all diseases at any distance, and thus exploits himself in huge type:
HAS HE THE POWER DIVINE?
Ministers of the Gospel say he is Gifted of God, and Praise Him for His Help to Suffering Humanity.
Professor Hadley, when not itinerating, is the medical director and working head of the Force of Life Co.
Toledo has a curious quack who describes his alleged successes aa "jNIodern Miracles. " He calls himself "Professor Larmouth," under which name he conducts a "Health Home. " He is cunning, ignorant and with- out genuine medical qualifications, in spite of which he has as partner
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in his noisome enterprise the proprietor of one of Toledo's principal news- paperS;, a gentleman who takes pride in his record as a public influence for good through lectures and Y. M. C. A. addresses; yet who takes profit from a swindle, compared to which three-card monte is respectable and harmless.
Every city has its quacks of the miracle-working kind. Mostly they prey upon the ignorant, and Avhen the field of one locality is worked out they move to another, leaving their former province to some suc- cessor of their kind. For upon this profitable principle all medical bunco is built; that the human sheep once fleeced soon grows another crop for the benefit of the comintTj shearer.
I
? Reprinted from Collier's Weekly, Sept. 1, 1906.
III. THE SPECIALIST HUMBUG,
Specializing is the modern tendency in medical practice. Hence the quack, who is but an exaggerated and grotesque imitation of the regular practitioner, smells money in devoting himself to specific fields of en- deavor. Sedulously he perfects himself in his own department; not by acquiring knowledge of the nature and treatment of disease, indeed, but by studying how most effectively to enmesh the sufferer from a certain class of ailments in the net of his specious promises. Upon his skill here depends his success. Experience teaches him nothing of professional
value, for the vast majority of his "patients'^ he never sees. He diag- noses by mail and doses by express. His "consultation" correspondence is carried on through a series of ingeniously devised form-letters, worded to suit every case and turned out by a corps of typew^riters. The average advertising specialist concern would work just as well if the "doctor" him- self spent his time fishing for finned suckers and left his trained stenog- ; raphers to attend to the human variety.
Blindness and deafness are fattening afflictions for the medical guer- ' rillas. With a little reading, a few borrowed scientific phrases and illustrations wherewdth to garnish his booklet, and an apt catchword for his advertising, your eye or ear specialist, or eye and ear specialist--'- for some of them combine the two--is ready for business. To get his patients he appeals to a deep-rooted and universal instinct, the piteous shrinking of the flesh and spirit from cold steel, so often the cruel neces- sity and the merciful hope of the afflicted.
-
Like Mending Chimneys by Mail.
"Don't undergo an ojDeration. Come to me and spare yourself the tor- ture of the knife," loudly invites the quack. What matters, it to him that the time wasted in his futile processes may mean sight or hearing Vv'asted, also, and beyond chance of recovery! He gets his pay; that's his whole concern. For this he will promise to cure you, not only without operation, but without even seeing you. Can the mind conceive any- - thing more preposterous? Here are two instruments of nerve and muscle, infinitely delicate, inscrutably efficient and accurate. The eye is a marvel of mathematical adjustment in angles and curves of vision. Our precious quack proposes to~ solve the problem of its distorted equations without the slighest study of the figures. Could he work out a geometri- cal thesis without a diagram? Could he survey a field by mail? The problems of hearing are almost as intricate and far more obscure than those of seeing. The self-styled "Eminent Aurist'^ will remedy the most difficult defects without a personal examination. Would he essay to repair a defective chimney flue by "home treatment? " The proposition is a far more reasonable one. Yet the eternally hopeful, eternally credu- lous fill the mails with trusting appeals and dollars addressed to these- swindlers, and thus lighten themselves for a swifter flight to darkness and silence.
If I were organizing an American Institute of Quack Specialists I should select Dr. Oren Oneal of Chicago as the first president. The artful plausi- bility of his advertising, his ingenuity in "jollying along" the patient for
his reluctant dollars, the widespread familiarity of his features through the magazine advertising pages, and, above all, his sleek and polished personality, make him the natural candidate. A high-class exponent of the charlatan's art is Dr. Oren. No raw newspaper advertising for him! He prefers the magazines, and the bane of his business existence is that, .
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"G! ai>&es not necessary . . s out;of 100. "
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one by one, they are closing their pages to him. But he is usually the last of the patent medicine and quack ilk to go. McChire's stood by him long after all the other medical advertising had been expunged from its pages. His bland and benevolent features shone forth like a benison from the rear of Collier's for years. Harper's still harbors him, and he is a particular pet of the religious weeklies--at special rates.
"Dissolvent Method" is the Oncal slogan. No matter what the trouble may be, he "dissolves" it away. "How I Make the Blind See and Cure All Eye Diseases in Patient's Own Home Without the Knife/' is the modest heading of one of his advertisements in that model of religious journalism, the Christian Endeavor World. "By this mild and harmless treatment," he announces, "I have restored sight to thousands in all parts of the world. With it I have cured cataract, optic nerve paralysis.
How Much Would You Take for
Your Eyes?
Would You Sell Them at Any Price?
Ml w 1
n t\t-^ 1 r1--
H^Il]^ t 11 !
^:3 "^^mT
OREN ONEAL.
A high-class eye quack who will undertal^e to cure incurable blindness.
granulated {sic) lids, pannus, pterygium, glaucoma, ccnjeetion {sic) of the optic nerves, weak, watery eyes and all other eye diseases. " All this he will do for the moderate price of fifty dollars--sometimes for twenty-five, but the patient must put down part of the money in advance. Give him his pay and Oneal will undertake the impossible on any one's eyes; not only this, but he will undertake to cure cases wdiich he himself knows to be incurable. His "Dissolvent Method" is a high-sounding name foi a cheap eye-wash which can no more cure any serious derangement than can plain water. This he sends out by express with impressive directions as to use.
When I called upon Dr. Oneal at his office he assured me that he was doing a perfectly legitimate business, and that I was making a grave error in listing him with the quacks. As he spoke he was facing a wall on which hung a number of framed documents. One was a certificate
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of mpmbersllip in the American Medical Association, which is the standard medical body of the country. Dr. Oneal was forced out of it several years ago for unprofessional conduct. Nevertheless, he keeps the old certificate on exhibit. Xeinlibovinfi- tlie outlawed certificate were two others, one of a high-sounding organization whose sole purpose is to issue framable parchments to doctors of dubious standing, the other certifying that Dr. Orcn Oneal was a member of the staff of St. Luke's Hosnital at Niles, Michigan. Dr. Oneal has never been in Xiles, Michigan. He has had no relation with St. Luke's Hospital of that town, because there is no such institution. The document he purchased from a quack named Probert, who did a little peddling business in this line, charging $20 for the framed article when he couldn't get $25. Dr. B. F. Bye of cancer fame has one of these, and I have seen them decorating the offices of other quacks.
For the conduct of a perfectly legitimate business these were three obviously rotten props. A fourth was supplied by a copy of the 'Mew York Health Journal, used by Dr. Oneal as a warrant of professional standing, and containing an "unqualified editorial endorsement" (leading editorial) of that gentleman's method and practice. Xow, the New York Health Journal (since happily defunct) was, as I have observed before in the Liquozone matter and elsewhere, a fake, pure and simple. It printed no "editorial endorsements" except for cold cash. As Dr. Oneal doesn't remember paying for his puff, I assume that the firm which places his advertising did it for him. One other bit of suggestive evi- cience is found in the Nebraska State Board of Health Records, showing that in 1899 the Board secretaries recommended the revocation of Dr. Oren Oneal's license "on the ground of unprofessional and dishonorable conduct. "
Invents Unknown Diseases.
So much as to Oneal's standing. Now as to his methods. About a year ago a certain Mrs. Price wrote him; giving the details of an incurable case and asking if he could cure her. He replied:
"I find the trouble to be paralysis of the optic nerve. [There is no such condition; he meant, as he afterward admitted, atrophy of the optic nerve. ] I have been especially successful in curing such troubles as yours. [In a letter to another prospective patient, shown me as evi- dence that he would not take money from hopeless cases, he distinctly states that paralysis of the optic nerve "will not respond to any treat- ment. "] So positive am I that your case is curable and that you can be cured in a short time, that I will promise to continue the treatment free of charge after five months. " [Her condition, as described by her, was obviously and hopelessly incurable. ]
Here, then, is "the most successful oculist of modern times" {vide his ow^n modest claim) diagnosing a condition which doesn't exist, and prom- ising to cure a disea'^c wliich he himself admits elsewhere to be incurable. The matter of Mrs. Price's eyes never came to a test, because she offered to deposit one hundred dollars (twice his price) to be paid to him when a cure was effected, whereupon he wrote her one epistle replete with pained dignity, and charged up his letter-forms and postage to profit and loss.
i\n Eastern ophthalmologist filled out one of Dr. Oneal's diagnosis blanks with the unmistakable description of an incurable case of atrophy of the optic nerve, which the learned specialist promptly diagnosed as cataract, and offered to cure for fifty dollars. Strabismus (cross-eyes) is one of Dr. Oneal's specialties. I asked him how he cured this trouble without the knife to which he replied that he had never made such a claim. On the following day he sent to my hotel (for the purpose of
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proving that his methods were perfectly upright) a quantity of adver- tising matter, which he had apparently not censored, as it contained a diagnosis blank bearing these words: "Cross-eyes straightened in two minutes without knife, pain, or inconvenience. " When this slight dis- crepancy was called to his attention he tried to explain it away by saying that he used "an instrument of my own invention. " Technically, this instrument is a kind of scissors; but I fail to see how the patient who is lured to Dr. Oneal's office by promises of non-surgical cure ("Eye Diseases Cured Without Surgery" is the title of his book) suffers the less because the operator's instTument has two blades instead of one. Oneal says:
The Absorption Treatment AS ORIGINATED AND PERFECTEB BY
B^ OB. W. 0.
. CUBES . .
^M-
%m DR. V\. O. COFFEP
DR. W. O. COFFEE.
A strongly endorsed long-distance healer.
"I make no guarantee to cure," I have his letter guaranteeing a cure. He saj^s: "Neither do I charge for a cure. " I have his letter naming fifty dollars as the price of a cure. He says: "I will not under any cir- cumstances treat a case or take money when I think there is any doubt of effecting a cure. " I have his letters offering to treat hopeless cases, and other letters from him offering to take cases which he admits are probably incurable. In the face of all this, Oneal writes me a personal letter 'deprecating any attack upon him, and saying: "All you have against me. is a few technicalities--a few words which have crept into my literature to which you take exception. " Dr. Oneal is proceeding on a false premise. I have nothing against him; I found him a singularly agreeable and frank specimen of the genus Quack. But every man,
COFFEE
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\A-OTnnn nnd ehilfl who reads his adveTti-^einents lias this against him and against the magazines that print liis stuff; that he is a maker of lying promises, a deliberate swindlei'^ and a tamperer with blindness at the peril of others^ for a fifty-dcllar fee.
"Absorption iMethod"' is the professional catch-phrase of Dr. W. 0. Cofi'ee of Des jNIoines, Iowa, where he runs an eye-and-ear infirmary, and does an extensive bunco business by mail. Dr. Coffee's stock in trade as an oculist is a large supply of cheek and a copy of '"'External Diseases of the Eye," by Haab of Ijerlin. Professor Haab is a genuine authority and his book is an excellent foundation for eye practice, but not as Coffee uses it. The Des Moines expert's interest is confined to the pictures, which are in color and are rather painful to look at; just the sort of thing to set one worrying about his own eyes. Herein lies their value to the shrewd Coffee. He gets up a book of his own. all about himself and his successful Absorption Treatment; and. applying the treatment to the Haab volume, absorbs the illustrations wdiole.
Stolen Goods Improved.
For instance. Table 19 in the Haab book shows a badly mutilated eye
labeled "Lime-burn, caused by the explosion of a bottle. " That is wdiat Haab thought of it. Deluded Teuton! This same picture transferred to Coffee's classic work is described in the following bold and masterly strokes. "This eye was afflicted with granulated lids and ulcers, follow- ing inflammation. There is no known remedy that will remove these s^iots except Dr. Coffee's absorption treatment, and it will do it com- pletely. This case required three months to absorb the scum and scar and clear up the sight. " On the same plate of Haab's book appears an illustration of "Lime-burn of longer standing in the case of a mason mix- ing lime. " How tame, compared to the spirited Coffee version of the same eye! "Chronic ulcers of the eye and cataract. This eye had been diseased for four years, but only bad about one year. It had been treated by two different oculists with but temporary relief, and they wanted to operate, but the patient would not submit, and, hearing of Dr. Coffee, came to him, and in five months' use of the absorption treat- ment, sight was restored almost completely. " It is impossible to withhold a tribute to the calm and logical mind of the mason wdio owned the eye. An ordinary man, into whose optical cavity lime had spurted, would, in the instancy of his pain, rush to the nearest doctor. Net so our German friend.
"Wait," savs he to himself, "don't let's be hasty. This is a case for Coffee. Me for Des Moines, U. S. A. "
So he changes his clothes, buys him a ticket and comes over to be examined. Probably he tells Coffee about the lime incident.
'Lime? " says that Eminent Authority. "Pooh! Not at all. The trouble was caused by a general practitioner using sugar-of-lead eye- water in the eye. [This last is quoted direct from the Coffee book. ] Ulcers. Also cataract. I'll cure you. "
And he did it, so he says, in five months.
Imagine the surprise and relief of the mason at discovering that what he had supposed was a splash of lime from the mixture he was working, was really a dose of sugar-of-lead eyewater surreptitiously introduced into his optic by a villainous general practitioner presumably operating a squirt-gun from a neighboring window. (Query: Could it have bee3 Haab himself, scheming to get a picture for his book? )
Eyes Repaired by Mail.
Again, Plate 32 of Haab's book shows two sj)ecimens: (A) Senile, cataract in a woman seventy-two years old; (B) cataract in a fourteen
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year-old boy caused by falling against a table. In the Coffee tome, this identical Picture A appears as a before-using and Picture B as an after- using exhibit: "The patient/' says Dr. Coffee, "made the fatal error of submitting to an operation," with the result as shown in A; but after- ward came to Coffee, who repaired the damage as in B. Reasoning from the Coffee statement, it is plain that the aged lady and the unfortunate youth, having heard in their German homes that Dr. Coffee cured cataract by mail, promptly removed the injured organs and sent them, postage prepaid to Des Moines, where the specialist fixed one and returned it, but unfortunately mislaid the other, so that one of the senders must still be short of vision. But whether the venerable Frau is now cocking the eye of budding manhood at the village belles, or the youth peering cautiously at the Avorld with the seasoned and saddened outlook of seventy-tAvo years, is a matter requiring further investigation.
r
THE HOUSE THE QUACK BUILT.
Residence of W. O. Coffee in Des Moines, built from the dollars of dupes.
In vicAV of the "Eminent Authority's" qualifications as an Eminent Thief and Pre-eminent Liar, the mass of testimonials which he offers fails to impress me particularly, though some of the local ones interest me.
