No More Learning

CROAKER. Marrying Olivia! marrying Olivia! marrying his own sister!
Sure the boy is out of his senses! His own sister!

LEONT. My sister!

OLIVIA. Sister! How have I been mistaken!

_Aside. _

LEONT. Some cursed mistake in all this, I find.

_Aside. _

CROAKER. What does the booby mean, or has he any meaning? Eh, what do
you mean, you blockhead you?

LEONT. Mean, sir—why, sir—only when my sister is to be married, that I
have the pleasure of marrying her, sir; that is, of giving her away,
sir—I have made a point of it.

CROAKER. O, is that all? Give her away. You have made a point of it.
Then you had as good make a point of first giving away yourself, as I'm
going to prepare the writings between you and Miss Richland this very
minute. What a fuss is here about nothing! Why, what's the matter now?
I thought I had made you at least as happy as you could wish.

[Illustration:

BAILIFF. —"_Look-ye, sir, I have arrested
as good men as you in my time. _"—_p. _ 290.
]


OLIVIA. Oh! yes, sir, very happy.

CROAKER. Do you foresee anything, child? You look as if you did. I
think if anything was to be foreseen, I have as sharp a look-out as
another: and yet I foresee nothing.

[_Exit. _

LEONTINE, OLIVIA.

OLIVIA. What can it mean?

LEONT. He knows something, and yet for my life I can't tell what.

OLIVIA. It can't be the connexion between us, I'm pretty certain.

LEONT. Whatever it be, my dearest, I'm resolved to put it out of
Fortune's power to repeat our mortification. I'll haste, and prepare
for our journey to Scotland this very evening. My friend Honeywood has
promised me his advice and assistance. I'll go to him, and repose our
distresses on his friendly bosom: and I know so much of his honest
heart, that if he can't relieve our uneasinesses, he will at least
share them.

[_Exeunt. _

ACT III.


SCENE. —YOUNG HONEYWOOD'S _House_.

BAILIFF, HONEYWOOD, FOLLOWER.

BAILIFF. Look-ye, sir, I have arrested as good men as you in my time;
no disparagement of you neither. Men that would go forty guineas on a
game of cribbage. I challenge the town to show a man in more genteeler
practice than myself.

HONEYW. Without all question, Mr. ——. I forget your name, sir?

BAILIFF. How can you forget what you never knew? he, he, he!

HONEYW. May I beg leave to ask your name?

BAILIFF. Yes, you may.

HONEYW. Then, pray, sir, what is your name, sir?

BAILIFF. That I didn't promise to tell you; he, he, he! A joke breaks
no bones, as we say among us that practise the law.

HONEYW. You may have reason for keeping it a secret perhaps.

BAILIFF. The law does nothing without reason. I'm ashamed to tell my
name to no man, sir. If you can show cause, as why, upon a special
capus, that I should prove my name—But, come, Timothy Twitch is my
name. And, now you know my name, what have you to say to that?

HONEYW. Nothing in the world, good Mr. Twitch, but that I have a favour
to ask, that's all.

BAILIFF. Ay, favours are more easily asked than granted, as we say
among us that practise the law. I have taken an oath against granting
favours. Would you have me perjure myself?

HONEYW. But my request will come recommended in so strong a manner, as,
I believe, you'll have no scruple. (_Pulling out his purse. _) The thing
is only this: I believe I shall be able to discharge this trifle in two
or three days at farthest; but as I would not have the affair known for
the world, I have thought of keeping you, and your good friend here,
about me till the debt is discharged; for which I shall be properly
grateful.

BAILIFF. Oh! that's another maxum, and altogether within my oath. For
certain, if an honest man is to get anything by a thing, there's no
reason why all things should not be done in civility.

HONEYW. Doubtless, all trades must live, Mr. Twitch, and yours is a
necessary one. (_Gives him money. _)

BAILIFF. Oh! your honour; I hope your honour takes nothing amiss as I
does, as I does nothing but my duty in so doing. I'm sure no man can
say I ever give a gentleman, that was a gentleman, ill-usage. If I saw
that a gentleman was a gentleman, I have taken money not to see him for
ten weeks together.

HONEYW. Tenderness is a virtue, Mr. Twitch.

BAILIFF. Ay, sir, it's a perfect treasure. I love to see a gentleman
with a tender heart. I don't know, but I think I have a tender heart
myself. If all that I have lost by my heart was put together, it would
make a—but no matter for that.

HONEYW. Don't account it lost, Mr. Twitch. The ingratitude of the world
can never deprive us of the conscious happiness of having acted with
humanity ourselves.

BAILIFF. Humanity, sir, is a jewel. It's better than gold. I love
humanity. People may say that we, in our way, have no humanity; but
I'll show you my humanity this moment. There's my follower here, little
Flanigan, with a wife and four children, a guinea or two would be more
to him, than twice as much to another. Now, as I can't show him any
humanity myself, I must beg you'll do it for me.

HONEYW. I assure you, Mr. Twitch, yours is a most powerful
recommendation. (_Giving money to the_ FOLLOWER. )

BAILIFF. Sir, you're a gentleman. I see you know what to do with your
money. But, to business: we are to be with you here as your friends, I
suppose. But set in case company comes. —Little Flanigan here, to be
sure, has a good face; a very good face; but then, he is a little
seedy, as we say among us that practise the law. Not well in clothes.
Smoke the pocket-holes.

HONEYW. Well, that should be remedied without delay.

_Enter_ SERVANT.

SERVANT. Sir, Miss Richland is below.

HONEYW. How unlucky! Detain her a moment. We must improve, my good
friend, little Mr. Flanigan's appearance first. Here, let Mr. Flanigan
have a suit of my clothes—quick—the brown and silver—Do you hear?

SERVANT. That your honour gave away to the begging gentleman that makes
verses, because it was as good as new.

HONEYW. The white and gold then.

SERVANT. That, your honour, I made bold to sell because it was good for
nothing.

HONEYW. Well, the first that comes to hand then. The blue and gold. I
believe Mr. Flanigan will look best in blue.

[_Exit_ FLANIGAN.

BAILIFF. Rabbit me, but little Flanigan will look well in anything. Ah,
if your honour knew that bit of flesh as well as I do, you'd be
perfectly in love with him. There's not a prettier scout in the four
counties after a shy-cock than he. Scents like a hound; sticks like a
weasel. He was master of the ceremonies to the black queen of Morocco
when I took him to follow me. [_Re-enter_ FLANIGAN. ] Heh, ecod, I think
he looks so well, that I don't care if I have a suit from the same
place for myself.

HONEYW. Well, well, I hear the lady coming. Dear Mr. Twitch, I beg
you'll give your friend directions not to speak. As for yourself, I
know you will say nothing without being directed.

BAILIFF. Never you fear me, I'll show the lady that I have something to
say for myself as well as another. One man has one way of talking, and
another man has another, that's all the difference between them.

_Enter_ MISS RICHLAND _and her_ MAID.

MISS RICH. You'll be surprised, sir, with this visit. But you know I'm
yet to thank you for choosing my little library.

HONEYW. Thanks, madam, are unnecessary, as it was I that was obliged by
your commands. Chairs here. Two of my very good friends, Mr. Twitch,
and Mr. Flanigan. Pray, gentlemen, sit without ceremony.

MISS RICH. Who can these odd-looking men be? I fear it is as I was
informed. It must be so.

_Aside. _

BAILIFF (_after a pause_). Pretty weather, very pretty weather, for the
time of the year, madam.

FOLLOWER. Very good circuit weather in the country.

HONEYW.
You officers are generally favourites among the ladies. My
friends, madam, have been upon very disagreeable duty, I assure you.
The fair should, in some measure, recompense the toils of the brave.

MISS RICH. Our officers do indeed deserve every favour. The gentlemen
are in the marine service, I presume, sir?

HONEYW. Why, madam, they do—occasionally serve in the Fleet, madam. A
dangerous service.

MISS RICH. I'm told so. And I own, it has often surprised me, that,
while we have had so many instances of bravery there, we have had so
few of wit at home to praise it.

HONEYW. I grant, madam, that our poets have not written as our soldiers
have fought; but, they have done all they could, and Hawke or Amherst
could do no more.

MISS RICH. I'm quite displeased when I see a fine subject spoiled by a
dull writer.

HONEYW. We should not be so severe against dull writers, madam. It is
ten to one, but the dullest writer exceeds the most rigid French critic
who presumes to despise him.

FOLLOWER. Damn the French, the parle vous, and all that belongs to
them.

MISS RICH. Sir!

HONEYW. Ha, ha, ha, honest Mr. Flanigan. A true English officer, madam;
he's not contented with beating the French, but he will scold them too.

MISS RICH. Yet, Mr. Honeywood, this does not convince me but that
severity in criticism is necessary. It was our first adopting the
severity of French taste, that has brought them in turn to taste us.

BAILIFF. Taste us! By the Lord, madam, they devour us. Give Monseers
but a taste, and I'll be damn'd, but they come in for a bellyful.

MISS RICH. Very extraordinary this.

FOLLOWER. But very true. What makes the bread rising? the parle vous
that devour us. What makes the mutton five pence a pound? the parle
vous that eat it up. What makes the beer threepence halfpenny a pot—

HONEYW. Ah! the vulgar rogues, all will be out. Right, gentlemen, very
right upon my word, and quite to the purpose. They draw a parallel,
madam, between the mental taste, and that of our senses. We are injured
as much by French severity in the one, as by French rapacity in the
other. That's their meaning.

MISS RICH. Though I don't see the force of the parallel, yet, I'll own,
that we should sometimes pardon books, as we do our friends, that have
now and then agreeable absurdities to recommend them.

[Illustration:

BAILIFF. —"_Taste us! By the Lord,
madam, they devour us. _"—_p. _ 292.
]


BAILIFF. That's all my eye. The king only can pardon, as the law says;
for set in case——

HONEYW. I'm quite of your opinion, sir. I see the whole drift of your
argument. Yes, certainly our presuming to pardon any work, is
arrogating a power that belongs to another. If all have power to
condemn, what writer can be free?

BAILIFF. By his habus corpus. His habus corpus can set him free at any
time. For set in case—

HONEYW. I'm obliged to you, sir, for the hint. If madam, as my friend
observes, our laws are so careful of a gentleman's person, sure we
ought to be equally careful of his dearer part, his fame.

FOLLOWER. Ay, but if so be a man's nabbed, you know—

HONEYW. Mr. Flanigan, if you spoke for ever, you could not improve the
last observation. For my own part, I think it conclusive.

BAILIFF. As for the matter of that, mayhap——

HONEYW. Nay, sir, give me leave in this instance to be positive. For
where is the necessity of censuring works without genius, which must
shortly sink of themselves: what is it, but aiming our unnecessary blow
against a victim already under the hands of justice?

BAILIFF. Justice! O, by the elevens, if you talk about justice, I think
I am at home there; for, in a course of law—

HONEYW. My dear Mr. Twitch, I discern what you'd be at perfectly, and I
believe the lady must be sensible of the art with which it is
introduced. I suppose you perceive the meaning, madam, of his course of
law?

MISS RICH. I protest, sir, I do not. I perceive only that you answer
one gentleman before he has finished, and the other before he has well
begun.

BAILIFF. Madam, you are a gentlewoman, and I will make the matter out.
This here question is about severity and justice, and pardon, and the
like of they. Now to explain the thing—

HONEYW. O! curse your explanations.

_Aside. _

_Enter_ SERVANT.

SERVANT. Mr. Leontine, sir, below, desires to speak with you upon
earnest business.

HONEYW. That's lucky (_aside. _) Dear madam, you'll excuse me, and my
good friends here, for a few minutes. There are books, madam, to amuse
you. Come, gentlemen, you know I make no ceremony with such friends.
After you, sir. Excuse me. Well, if I must; but I know your natural
politeness.

BAILIFF. Before and behind, you know.

FOLLOWER. Ay, ay, before and behind, before and behind.

[_Exeunt_ HONEYWOOD, BAILIFF, _and_ FOLLOWER.

MISS RICH. What can all this mean, Garnet?

GARNET. Mean, madam? why, what should it mean, but what Mr. Lofty sent
you here to see? These people he calls officers, are officers sure
enough: sheriff's officers; bailiffs, madam.

MISS RICH. Ay, it is certainly so. Well, though his perplexities are
far from giving me pleasure; yet I own there's something very
ridiculous in them, and a just punishment for his dissimulation.

GARNET. And so they are. But I wonder, madam, that the lawyer you just
employed to pay his debts and set him free, has not done it by this
time. He ought at least to have been here before now. But lawyers are
always more ready to get a man into troubles, than out of them.

_Enter_ SIR WILLIAM.

SIR WILL. For Miss Richland to undertake setting him free, I own, was
quite unexpected. It has totally unhinged my schemes to reclaim him.
Yet, it gives me pleasure to find, that, among a number of worthless
friendships, he has made one acquisition of real value; for there must
be some softer passion on her side that prompts this generosity. Ha!
here before me: I'll endeavour to sound her affections. Madam, as I am
the person that have had some demands upon the gentleman of this house,
I hope you'll excuse me, if, before I enlarged him, I wanted to see
yourself.

MISS RICH. The precaution was very unnecessary, sir. I suppose your
wants were only such as my agent had power to satisfy.

SIR WILL. Partly, madam. But, I was also willing you should be fully
apprised of the character of the gentleman you intended to serve.

MISS RICH. It must come, sir, with a very ill grace from you. To
censure it, after what you have done, would look like malice; and to
speak favourably of a character you have oppressed, would be impeaching
your own. And sure, his tenderness, his humanity, his universal
friendship, may atone for many faults.

SIR WILL. That friendship, madam, which is exerted in too wide a
sphere, becomes totally useless. Our bounty, like a drop of water,
disappears when diffused too widely. They, who pretend most to this
universal benevolence, are either deceivers, or dupes—men who desire to
cover their private ill-nature by a pretended regard for all; or men
who, reasoning themselves into false feelings, are more earnest in
pursuit of splendid, than of useful virtues.

MISS RICH. I am surprised, sir, to hear one who has probably been a
gainer by the folly of others, so severe in his censure of it.

SIR WILL. Whatever I may have gained by folly, madam, you see I am
willing to prevent your losing by it.

MISS RICH. Your cares for me, sir, are unnecessary. I always suspect
those services which are denied where they are wanted, and offered,
perhaps, in hopes of a refusal. No, sir, my directions have been given,
and I insist upon their being complied with.

SIR WILL. Thou amiable woman, I can no longer contain the expressions
of my gratitude—my pleasure. You see before you one who has been
equally careful of his interest: one, who has for some time been a
concealed spectator of his follies, and only punished, in hopes to
reclaim them—His uncle.

MISS RICH. Sir William Honeywood! You amaze me! How shall I conceal my
confusion? I fear, sir, you'll think I have been too forward in my
services. I confess I——

SIR WILL. Don't make any apologies, madam. I only find myself unable to
repay the obligation. And yet, I have been trying my interest of late
to serve you. Having learnt, madam, that you had some demands upon
government, I have, though unasked, been your solicitor there.

MISS RICH. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to your intentions; but my
guardian has employed another gentleman, who assures him of success.

SIR WILL. Who, the important little man that visits here? Trust me,
madam, he's quite contemptible among men in power, and utterly unable
to serve you. Mr. Lofty's promises are much better known to people of
fashion than his person, I assure you.

MISS RICH. How have we been deceived! As sure as can be, here he comes.

SIR WILL. Does he? Remember I'm to continue unknown. My return to
England has not as yet been made public. With what impudence he enters!

_Enter_ LOFTY.

LOFTY. Let the chariot—let my chariot drive off, I'll visit to his
grace's in a chair. Miss Richland here before me! Punctual, as usual,
to the calls of humanity. I'm very sorry, madam, things of this kind
should happen, especially to a man I have shown every where, and
carried amongst us as a particular acquaintance.

MISS RICH. I find, sir, you have the art of making the misfortunes of
others your own.

LOFTY. My dear madam, what can a private man like me do? One man can't
do everything; and then, I do so much in this way every day. Let me
see, something considerable might be done for him by subscription; it
could not fail if I carried the list. I'll undertake to set down a
brace of dukes, two dozen lords, and half the lower house, at my own
peril.

SIR WILL. And after all, it is more than probable, sir, he might reject
the offer, of such powerful patronage.

LOFTY.