No More Learning

M. At forty you'll be a fool of a J. P. landlord. At fifty you'll
own a bath-chair, and The Brigadier, if he takes after you, will be
fluttering the dovecotes of--what's the particular dunghill you're going
to? Also, Mrs. Gadsby will be fat.

Capt. G. (Limply. ) This is rather more than a joke.

Capt. M. D'you think so? Isn't cutting the Service a joke? It generally
takes a man fifty years to arrive at it. You're quite right, though. It
is more than a joke. You've managed it in thirty-three.

Capt. G. Don't make me feel worse than I do. Will it satisfy you if I
own that I am a shirker, a skrim-shanker, and a coward?

Capt. M. It will not, because I'm the only man in the world who can talk
to you like this without being knocked down. You mustn't take all that
I've said to heart in this way. I only spoke--a lot of it at least--out
of pure selfishness, because, because--Oh, damn it all, old man,--I
don't know what I shall do without you. Of course, you've got the money
and the place and all that--and there are two very good reasons why you
should take care of yourself.

Capt. G. 'Doesn't make it any sweeter. I'm backing out--I know I am. I
always had a soft drop in me somewhere--and I daren't risk any danger to
them.

Capt. M. Why in the world should you? You're bound to think of your
family--bound to think. Er--hmm. If I wasn't a younger son I'd go
too--be shot if I wouldn't!

Capt. G. Thank you, Jack. It's a kind lie, but it's the blackest you've
told for some time. I know what I'm doing, and I'm going into it with my
eyes open. Old man, I can't help it. What would you do if you were in my
place?

Capt. M. (Aside. ) 'Couldn't conceive any woman getting permanently
between me and the Regiment. (Aloud. ) 'Can't say. 'Very likely I should
do no better. I'm sorry for you--awf'ly sorry--but "if them's your
sentiments," I believe, I really do, that you are acting wisely.

Capt. G. Do you? I hope you do. (In a whisper. ) Jack, be very sure of
yourself before you marry. I'm an ungrateful ruffian to say this, but
marriage--even as good a marriage as mine has been--hampers a man's
work, it cripples his sword-arm, and oh, it plays Hell with his notions
of duty. Sometimes--good and sweet as she is--sometimes I could wish
that I had kept my freedom--No, I don't mean that exactly.

Mrs. G. (Coming down veranda. ) What are you wagging your head over, Pip?

Capt. M. (Turning quickly. ) Me, as usual. The old sermon. Your husband
is recommending me to get married. 'Never saw such a one-ideaed man.

Mrs. G. Well, why don't you? I dare say you would make some woman very
happy.

Capt. G. There's the Law and the Prophets, Jack. Never mind the
Regiment. Make a woman happy. (Aside. ) O Lord!

Capt. M. We'll see. I must be off to make a Troop Cook desperately
unhappy. I won't have the wily Hussar fed on Government Bullock Train
shinbones--(Hastily. ) Surely black ants can't be good for The Brigadier.
He's picking em off the matting and eating 'em. Here, Senor Comandante
Don Grubbynose, come and talk to me. (Lifts G. JUNIOR in his arms. )
'Want my watch? You won't be able to put it into your mouth, but you can
try. (G. JUNIOR drops watch, breaking dial and hands. )

Mrs. G. Oh, Captain Mafflin, I am so sorry! Jack, you bad, bad little
villain. Ahhh!

Capt. M. It's not the least consequence, I assure you. He'd treat the
world in the same way if he could get it into his hands. Everything's
made to be played, with and broken, isn't it, young 'un?

* * * * *

Mrs. G. Mafflin didn't at all like his watch being broken, though he
was too polite to say so. It was entirely his fault for giving it to
the child. Dem little puds are werry, werry feeble, aren't dey, by
Jack-in-de-box? (To G. ) What did he want to see you for?

Capt. G. Regimental shop as usual.

Mrs. G. The Regiment! Always the Regiment. On my word, I sometimes feel
jealous of Mafflin.

Capt. G. (Wearily. ) Poor old Jack? I don't think you need. Isn't it time
for The Butcha to have his nap? Bring a chair out here, dear. I've got
some thing to talk over with you.

THIS IS THE END OF THE STORY OF THE GADSBYS





VOLUME VIII from MINE OWN PEOPLE

Bimi
Namgay Doola
The Recrudescence Of Imray
Moti Guj--Mutineer




BIMI

THE orangoutang in the big iron cage lashed to the sheep-pen began the
discussion. The night was stiflingly hot, and as Hans Breitmann and I
passed him, dragging our bedding to the fore-peak of the steamer, he
roused himself and chattered obscenely. He had been caught somewhere in
the Malayan Archipelago, and was going to England to be exhibited at a
shilling a head. For four days he had struggled, yelled, and wrenched at
the heavy iron bars of his prison without ceasing, and had nearly slain
a Lascar incautious enough to come within reach of the great hairy paw.

"It would be well for you, mine friend, if you was a liddle seasick,"
said Hans Breitmann, pausing by the cage. "You haf too much Ego in your
Cosmos. "

The orangoutang's arm slid out negligently from between the bars. No one
would have believed that it would make a sudden snake-like rush at
the German's breast. The thin silk of the sleeping-suit tore out: Hans
stepped back unconcernedly, to pluck a banana from a bunch hanging close
to one of the boats.

"Too much Ego," said he, peeling the fruit and offering it to the caged
devil, who was rending the silk to tatters.

Then we laid out our bedding in the bows, among the sleeping Lascars,
to catch any breeze that the pace of the ship might give us. The sea was
like smoky oil, except where it turned to fire under our forefoot
and whirled back into the dark in smears of dull flame. There was a
thunderstorm some miles away: we could see the glimmer of the lightning.
The ship's cow, distressed by the heat and the smell of the ape-beast in
the cage, lowed unhappily from time to time in exactly the same key as
the lookout man at the bows answered the hourly call from the bridge.
The trampling tune of the engines was very distinct, and the jarring
of the ash-lift, as it was tipped into the sea, hurt the procession of
hushed noise. Hans lay down by my side and lighted a good-night cigar.
This was naturally the beginning of conversation. He owned a voice as
soothing as the wash of the sea, and stores of experiences as vast as
the sea itself; for his business in life was to wander up and down the
world, collecting orchids and wild beasts and ethnological specimens for
German and American dealers. I watched the glowing end of his cigar wax
and wane in the gloom, as the sentences rose and fell, till I was nearly
asleep. The orangoutang, troubled by some dream of the forests of his
freedom, began to yell like a soul in purgatory, and to wrench madly at
the bars of the cage.

"If he was out now dere would not be much of us left hereabouts," said
Hans, lazily. "He screams good. See, now, how I shall tame him when he
stops himself. "

There was a pause in the outcry, and from Hans' mouth came an imitation
of a snake's hiss, so perfect that I almost sprung to my feet. The
sustained murderous sound ran along the deck, and the wrenching at the
bars ceased. The orangoutang was quaking in an ecstasy of pure terror.

"Dot stop him," said Hans. "I learned dot trick in Mogoung Tanjong when
I was collecting liddle monkeys for some peoples in Berlin. Efery one
in der world is afraid of der monkeys except der snake. So I blay snake
against monkey, and he keep quite still. Dere was too much Ego in his
Cosmos. Dot is der soul-custom of monkeys. Are you asleep, or will you
listen, and I will tell a dale dot you shall not pelief? "

"There's no tale in the wide world that I can't believe," I said.

"If you have learned pelief you haf learned somedings. Now I shall try
your pelief. Good! When I was collecting dose liddle monkeys--it was in
'79 or '80, und I was in der islands of der Archipelago--over dere in
der dark"--he pointed southward to New Guinea generally--"Mein Gott! I
would sooner collect life red devils than liddle monkeys. When
dey do not bite off your thumbs dey are always dying from
nostalgia--homesick--for dey haf der imperfect soul, which is midway
arrested in defelopment--und too much Ego. I was dere for nearly a year,
und dere I found a man dot was called Bertran. He was a Frenchman, und
he was a goot man--naturalist to the bone. Dey said he was an escaped
convict, but he was a naturalist, und dot was enough for me. He would
call all her life beasts from der forests, und dey would come. I said
he was St. Francis of Assisi in a new dransmigration produced, und he
laughed und said he had never preach to der fishes. He sold dem for
trepang--beche-de-mer.

"Und dot man, who was king of beasts-tamer men, he had in der house
shush such anoder as dot devil-animal in der cage--a great orangoutang
dot thought he was a man. He haf found him when he was a child--der
orangoutang--und he was child and brother and opera comique all round to
Bertran. He had his room in dot house--not a cage, but a room--mit a bed
and sheets, and he would go to bed and get up in der morning and smoke
his cigar und eat his dinner mit Bertran, und walk mit him hand-in-hand,
which was most horrible. Herr Gott! I haf seen dot beast throw himself
back in his chair and laugh when Bertran haf made fun of me. He was
not a beast; he was a man, and he talked to Bertran, und Bertran
comprehended, for I have seen dem. Und he was always politeful to me
except when I talk too long to Bertran und say nodings at all to him.
Den he would pull me away--dis great, dark devil, mit his enormous paws
shush as if I was a child. He was not a beast, he was a man. Dis I saw
pefore I know him three months, und Bertran he haf saw the same; and
Bimi, der orangoutang, haf understood us both, mit his cigar between his
big-dog teeth und der blue gum.

"I was dere a year, dere und at dere oder islands--somedimes for monkeys
and somedimes for butterflies und orchits. One time Bertran says to me
dot he will be married, because he hass found a girl dot was goot, and
he inquire if this marrying idea was right. I would not say, pecause
it was not me dot was going to be married. Den he go off courting der
girl--she was a half-caste French girl--very pretty. Haf you got a new
light for my cigar? Oof! Very pretty. Only I say 'Haf you thought of
Bimi? If he pulls me away when I talk to you, what will he do to your
wife? He will pull her in pieces. If I was you, Bertran, I would gif my
wife for wedding present der stuff figure of Bimi.
' By dot time I bad
learned somedings about der monkey peoples. 'Shoot him? ' says Bertran.
'He is your beast,' I said; 'if he was mine he would be shot now. '

"Den I felt at der back of my neck der fingers of Bimi. Mein Gott! I
tell you dot he talked through dose fingers. It was der deaf-and-dumb
alphabet all gomplete. He slide his hairy arm round my neck, and he tilt
up my chin and look into my face, shust to see if I understood his talk
so well as he understood mine.

"'See now dere! ' says Bertran, 'und you would shoot him while he is
cuddling you? Dot is der Teuton ingrate! '

"But I knew dot I had made Bimi a life's enemy, pecause his fingers haf
talk murder through the back of my neck. Next dime I see Bimi dere was
a pistol in my belt, und he touch it once, and I open de breech to show
him it was loaded. He haf seen der liddle monkeys killed in der woods,
and he understood.

"So Bertran he was married, and he forgot clean about Bimi dot was
skippin' alone on the beach mit der haf of a human soul in his belly.
I was see him skip, und he took a big bough und thrash der sand till he
haf made a great hole like a grave. So I says to Bertran 'For any sakes,
kill Bimi. He is mad mit der jealousy. '

"Bertran haf said: 'He is not mad at all. He haf obey and love my wife,
und if she speaks he will get her slippers,' und he looked at his wife
across der room. She was a very pretty girl.

"Den I said to him: 'Dost thou pretend to know monkeys und dis beast dot
is lashing himself mad upon der sands, pecause you do not talk to him?
Shoot him when he comes to der house, for he haf der light in his eyes
dot means killing--und killing. ' Bimi come to der house, but dere was
no light in his eyes. It was all put away, cunning--so cunning--und he
fetch der girl her slippers, and Bertran turn to me und say: 'Dost thou
know him in nine months more dan I haf known him in twelve years? Shall a
child stab his fader? I have fed him, und he was my child. Do not speak
this nonsense to my wife or to me any more. '

"Dot next day Bertran came to my house to help me make some wood cases
for der specimens, und he tell me dot he haf left his wife a liddle
while mit Bimi in der garden. Den I finish my cases quick, und I say:
'Let us go to your house und get a trink. ' He laugh und say: 'Come
along, dry mans. '

"His wife was not in der garden, und Bimi did not come when Bertran
called. Und his wife did not come when he called, und he knocked at her
bedroom door und dot was shut tight-locked. Den he looked at me, und his
face was white. I broke down der door mit my shoulder, und der thatch of
der roof was torn into a great hole, und der sun came in upon der floor.
Haf you ever seen paper in der waste-basket, or cards at whist on der
table scattered? Dere was no wife dot could be seen. I tell you dere was
noddings in dot room dot might be a woman. Dere was stuff on der floor,
und dot was all. I looked at dese things und I was very sick; but
Bertran looked a little longer at what was upon the floor und der walls,
und der hole in der thatch. Den he pegan to laugh, soft and low, und I
know und thank God dot he was mad. He nefer cried, he nefer prayed. He
stood still in der doorway und laugh to himself. Den he said: 'She haf
locked herself in dis room, and he haf torn up der thatch. Fi donc. Dot
is so. We will mend der thatch und wait for Bimi. He will surely come. '

"I tell you we waited ten days in dot house, after der room was made
into a room again, and once or twice we saw Bimi comin' a liddle way
from der woods. He was afraid pecause he haf done wrong. Bertran called
him when he was come to look on the tenth day, und Bimi come skipping
along der beach und making noises, mit a long piece of Nack hair in his
hands. Den Bertran laugh and say, 'Fi donc' shust as if it was a glass
broken upon der table; und Bimi come nearer, und Bertran was honey-sweet
in his voice and laughed to himself. For three days he made love to
Bimi, pecause Bimi would not let himself be touched Den Bimi come to
dinner at der same table mit us, und der hair on his hands was all
black und thick mit--mit what had dried on his hands. Bertran gave him
sangaree till Bimi was drunk and stupid, und den--"

Hans paused to puff at his cigar.

"And then? " said I.

"Und den Bertran kill him with his hands, und I go for a walk upon der
heach. It was Bertran's own piziness. When I come back der ape he was
dead, und Bertran he was dying abofe him; but still he laughed a liddle
und low, and he was quite content. Now you know der formula uf der
strength of der orangoutang--it is more as seven to one in relation to
man. But Bertran, he haf killed Bimi mit sooch dings as Gott gif him.
Dot was der mericle. "

The infernal clamor in the cage recommenced. "Aha! Dot friend of ours
haf still too much Ego in his Cosmos, Be quiet, thou! "

Hans hissed long and venomously. We could hear the great beast quaking
in his cage.

"But why in the world didn't you help Bertran instead of letting him be
killed? " I asked.

"My friend," said Hans, composedly stretching himself to slumber, "it
was not nice even to mineself dot I should lif after I had seen dot room
wit der hole in der thatch. Und Bertran, he was her husband. Good-night,
und sleep well. "




NAMGAY DOOLA

ONCE upon a time there was a king who lived on the road to Thibet, very
many miles in the Himalaya Mountains. His kingdom was 11,000 feet above
the sea, and exactly four miles square, but most of the miles stood on
end, owing to the nature of the country. His revenues were rather less
than 400 pounds yearly, and they were expended on the maintenance of one
elephant and a standing army of five men. He was tributary to the Indian
government, who allowed him certain sums for keeping a section of the
Himalaya-Thibet road in repair. He further increased his revenues by
selling timber to the railway companies, for he would cut the great
deodar trees in his own forest and they fell thundering into the Sutlej
River and were swept down to the Plains, 300 miles away, and became
railway ties. Now and again this king, whose name does not matter, would
mount a ring-streaked horse and ride scores of miles to Simlatown to
confer with the lieutenant-governor on matters of state, or assure the
viceroy that his sword was at the service of the queen-empress. Then
the viceroy would cause a ruffle of drums to be sounded and the
ring-streaked horse and the cavalry of the state--two men in
tatters--and the herald who bore the Silver Stick before the king
would trot back to their own place, which was between the tail of a
heaven-climbing glacier and a dark birch forest.

Now, from such a king, always remembering that he possessed one
veritable elephant and could count his descent for 1,200 years, I
expected, when it was my fate to wander through his dominions, no more
than mere license to live.

The night had closed in rain, and rolling clouds blotted out the lights
of the villages in the valley. Forty miles away, untouched by cloud or
storm, the white shoulder of Dongo Pa--the Mountain of the Council of
the Gods--upheld the evening star. The monkeys sung sorrowfully to each
other as they hunted for dry roots in the fern-draped trees, and the
last puff of the day-wind brought from the unseen villages the scent
of damp wood smoke, hot cakes, dripping undergrowth, and rotting
pine-cones. That smell is the true smell of the Himalayas, and if it
once gets into the blood of a man he will, at the last, forgetting
everything else, return to the Hills to die. The clouds closed and the
smell went away, and there remained nothing in all the world except
chilling white mists and the boom of the Sutlej River.

A fat-tailed sheep, who did not want to die, bleated lamentably at
my tent-door. He was scuffling with the prime minister and the
director-general of public education, and he was a royal gift to me and
my camp servants. I expressed my thanks suitably and inquired if I might
have audience of the king. The prime minister readjusted his turban--it
had fallen off in the struggle--and assured me that the king would
be very pleased to see me. Therefore I dispatched two bottles as a
foretaste, and when the sheep had entered upon another incarnation,
climbed up to the king's palace through the wet. He had sent his army
to escort me, but it stayed to talk with my cook. Soldiers are very much
alike all the world over.

The palace was a four-roomed, white-washed mud-and-timber house, the
finest in all the Hills for a day's journey. The king was dressed in a
purple velvet jacket, white muslin trousers, and a saffron-yellow turban
of price. He gave me audience in a little carpeted room opening off the
palace courtyard, which was occupied by the elephant of state. The great
beast was sheeted and anchored from trunk to tail, and the curve of his
back stood out against the sky line.

The prime minister and the director-general of public instruction were
present to introduce me; but all the court had been dismissed lest
the two bottles aforesaid should corrupt their morals. The king cast a
wreath of heavy, scented flowers round my neck as I bowed, and inquired
how my honored presence had the felicity to be. I said that through
seeing his auspicious countenance the mists of the night had turned
into sunshine, and that by reason of his beneficent sheep his good
deeds would be remembered by the gods. He said that since I had set my
magnificent foot in his kingdom the crops would probably yield seventy
per cent more than the average. I said that the fame of the king had
reached to the four corners of the earth, and that the nations gnashed
their teeth when they heard daily of the glory of his realm and the
wisdom of his moon-like prime minister and lotus-eyed director-general
of public education.

Then we sat down on clean white cushions, and I was at the king's right
hand. Three minutes later he was telling me that the condition of the
maize crop was something disgraceful, and that the railway companies
would not pay him enough for his timber. The talk shifted to and fro
with the bottles. We discussed very many quaint things, and the king
became confidential on the subject of government generally. Most of all
he dwelt on the shortcomings of one of his subjects, who, from what I
could gather, had been paralyzing the executive.

"In the old days," said the king, "I could have ordered the elephant
yonder to trample him to death. Now I must e'en send him seventy miles
across the hills to be tried, and his keep for that time would be upon
the state. And the elephant eats everything. "

"What be the man's crimes, Rajah Sahib? " said I.

"Firstly, he is an 'outlander,' and no man of mine own people. Secondly,
since of my favor I gave him land upon his coming, he refuses to pay
revenue. Am I not the lord of the earth, above and below--entitled by
right and custom to one-eighth of the crop? Yet this devil, establishing
himself, refuses to pay a single tax. . . and he brings a poisonous
spawn of babes. "

"Cast him into jail," I said.

"Sahib," the king answered, shifting a little on the cushions, "once and
only once in these forty years sickness came upon me so that I was not
able to go abroad. In that hour I made a vow to my God that I would
never again cut man or woman from the light of the sun and the air of
God, for I perceived the nature of the punishment. How can I break my
vow? Were it only the lopping off of a hand or a foot, I should not
delay. But even that is impossible now that the English have rule. One
or another of my people"--he looked obliquely at the director-general
of public education--"would at once write a letter to the viceroy, and
perhaps I should be deprived of that ruffle of drums. "

He unscrewed the mouthpiece of his silver water-pipe, fitted a plain
amber one, and passed the pipe to me. "Not content with refusing
revenue," he continued, "this outlander refuses also to beegar" (this is
the corvee or forced labor on the roads), "and stirs my people up to the
like treason. Yet he is, if so he wills, an expert log-snatcher. There
is none better or bolder among my people to clear a block of the river
when the logs stick fast. "

"But he worships strange gods," said the prime minister, deferentially.

"For that I have no concern," said the king, who was as tolerant as
Akbar in matters of belief. "To each man his own god, and the fire or
Mother Earth for us all at the last. It is the rebellion that offends
me. "

"The king has an army," I suggested. "Has not the king burned the man's
house, and left him naked to the night dews? "

"Nay. A hut is a hut, and it holds the life of a man. But once I sent
my army against him when his excuses became wearisome. Of their heads
he brake three across the top with a stick. The other two men ran away.
Also the guns would not shoot. "

I had seen the equipment of the infantry. One-third of it was an old
muzzle-loading fowling-piece with ragged rust holes where the nipples
should have been; one-third a wirebound matchlock with a worm-eaten
stock, and one-third a four-bore flint duck-gun, without a flint.

"But it is to be remembered," said the king, reaching out for the
bottle, "that he is a very expert log-snatcher and a man of a merry
face. What shall I do to him, sahib? "

This was interesting. The timid hill-folk would as soon have refused
taxes to their king as offerings to their gods. The rebel must be a man
of character.

"If it be the king's permission," I said, "I will not strike my tents
till the third day, and I will see this man. The mercy of the king is
godlike, and rebellion is like unto the sin of witchcraft. Moreover,
both the bottles, and another, be empty. "

"You have my leave to go," said the king.

Next morning the crier went through the stare proclaiming that there was
a log-jam on the river and that it behooved all loyal subjects to clear
it. The people poured down from their villages to the moist, warm valley
of poppy fields, and the king and I went with them.

Hundreds of dressed deodar logs had caught on a snag of rock, and the
river was bringing down more logs every minute to complete the blockade.
The water snarled and wrenched and worried at the timber, while the
population of the state prodded at the nearest logs with poles, in
the hope of easing the pressure. Then there went up a shout of "Namgay
Doola! Namgay Doola! " and a large, red-haired villager hurried up,
stripping off his clothes as he ran.

"That he is. That is the rebel! " said the king. "Now will the dam be
cleared. "

"But why has he red hair? " I asked, since red hair among hill-folk is as
uncommon as blue or green.

"He is an outlander," said the king. "Well done! Oh, well done! "

Namgay Doola had scrambled on the jam and was clawing out the butt of
a log with a rude sort of a boat-hook. It slid forward slowly, as an
alligator moves, and three or four others followed it. The green water
spouted through the gaps. Then the villagers howled and shouted and
leaped among the logs, pulling and pushing the obstinate timber, and the
red head of Namgay Doola was chief among them all. The logs swayed and
chafed and groaned as fresh consignments from up-stream battered the now
weakening dam. It gave way at last in a smother of foam, racing butts,
bobbing black heads, and a confusion indescribable, as the river tossed
everything before it. I saw the red head go down with the last remnants
of the jam and disappear between the great grinding tree trunks. It rose
close to the hank, and blowing like a grampus, Namgay Doola wiped the
water out of his eyes and made obeisance to the king.

I had time to observe the man closely. The virulent redness of his shock
head and beard was most startling, and in the thicket of hair twinkled
above high cheek-bones two very merry blue eyes. He was indeed an
outlander, but yet a Thibetan in language, habit and attire. He spoke
the Lepcha dialect with an indescribable softening of the gutturals. It
was not so much a lisp as an accent.

"Whence comest thou? " I asked, wondering.

"From Thibet. " He pointed across the hills and grinned. That grin went
straight to my heart. Mechanically I held out my hand and Namgay Doola
took it. No pure Thibetan would have understood the meaning of the
gesture. He went away to look for his clothes, and as he climbed back to
his village, I heard a joyous yell that seemed unaccountably familiar.
It was the whooping of Namgay Doola.

"You see now," said the king, "why I would not kill him. He is a bold
man among my logs, but," and he shook his head like a schoolmaster, "I
know that before long there will be complaints of him in the court. Let
us return to the palace and do justice. "

It was that king's custom to judge his subjects every day between eleven
and three o'clock. I heard him do justice equitably on weighty matters
of trespass, slander, and a little wife-stealing. Then his brow clouded
and he summoned me.

"Again it is Namgay Doola," he said, despairingly. "Not content with
refusing revenue on his own part, he has bound half his village by an
oath to the like treason. Never before has such a thing befallen me! Nor
are my taxes heavy.