No More Learning

Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards
four times in opening them. Then did he lay them joined, and extended the
one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers
unto God. Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put
the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four
fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of
his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a
profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. Then lifted he up his
left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and
elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the
situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half
between them. This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground
about the one and the other hand. Lastly, he held them in the midst, as
aiming right at the Englishman's nose. And if Mercury,--said the
Englishman. There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken,
Mask.

Then made the Englishman this sign. His left hand all open he lifted up
into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof,
and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose.
Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased
and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where
the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four
right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air. Then contrarily he did with
the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he
had done with the right.

Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his
trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a
truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of
black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the
fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made
such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering
clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his
tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking
fixedly upon the Englishman. The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that
were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the
Englishman was a leper. The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists
conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal
felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore.

The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two
hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three
master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or
foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained
extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge. Then
joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little
finger touched the right. Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift
up his hands and made this sign.

He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb
of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and
of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the
forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of
the left hand. Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or
medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and
thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb of his left
hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the
wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way
and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his
right eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and
made him this sign.

With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of
the palm or pulp which is under the thumb. Then put he the forefinger of
the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not
over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and
blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the
overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out. Then held he
out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast. The people there,
which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he
demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that?
In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the
spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then he
bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of
his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with
this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge
presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little
finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his
teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this
Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising
let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very
strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. The company began to
stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and
perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort
that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left
hand he laid flat upon his breast. Whereat Panurge drew out his long
codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding
it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange,
and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the
fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to
shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.

After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a
bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder. Whereupon
Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called
St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner
as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth. This
done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it,
making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the
superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs,
and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing
like a goose. Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his
mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out,
and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the
pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and
he did it nine times.

Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret! With this he put
in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it
by the point downwards. Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook
it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined
in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was
able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die.
Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put
the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the
flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers. Whereat
Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into
his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. Then he crossed his two
arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he
struck his right foot against the ground. Then he lift up his left arm,
and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his
forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast. But
Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the
top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set
his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as
he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his
two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very
ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.



Chapter 2. XX.

How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge.

Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the
said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were
there: My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good
purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic! You
have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord
Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very
heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in
magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had
in my mind. But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think
was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the
worth that indeed is in him. You have seen how his disciple only hath
satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him. Besides, he hath
opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure
you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the
encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I
should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so
much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs,
without speaking either word or half word. But, in fine, I will reduce
into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not
take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed,
that everyone may learn as I have done. Judge, then, what the master had
been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est
discipulus super magistrum. Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very
humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act. God
reward you for it eternally! The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the
company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him,
and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the
phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their
bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins),
even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came. Blessed
Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather!
And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here;
reach hither; fill with a devil, so! There was not one but did drink five
and twenty or thirty pipes. Can you tell how? Even sicut terra sine aqua;
for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry. In matter
of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the
signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would
have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been
told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he
hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I
do pass by it.



Chapter 2. XXI.

How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.

Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of
this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from
thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him. To which effect he
had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion.
And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made
of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch
mustard. He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and
gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to
bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city. And, indeed,
leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily
these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the
flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to
the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and
necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and
believe it, for experience will teach it you. The lady at this word thrust
him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for
you to talk thus unto me? Whom do you think you have in hand? Begone,
never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have
your legs and arms cut off. Well, said he, that were all one to me, to
want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together
at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long
codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you
shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones. He
is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners,
creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there
needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his
followers to work upon. Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go. If
you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be
knocked down with blows. Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no,
or else I am deceived in your physiognomy. For sooner shall the earth
mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,
and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great
beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or
malice. They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman
that is not also stubborn. Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar
beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I
believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art,
to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all
her power. There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and
celestial manna. To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the
golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was
there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much
comeliness in Venus as there is in you. O heavenly gods and goddesses!
How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace
her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers! By G--, that shall be I,
I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and
so was I predestinated to it by the fairies. And therefore, that we lose
no time, put on, thrust out your gammons! --and would have embraced her, but
she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her
neighbours for help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running
away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself;
do not you take so much pains. Thus went he away, not much caring for the
repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. The next
day he came to the church at the time she went to mass. At the door he
gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her.
Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam,
know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.
I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it,
how much you would be to blame! Go, said she, go! I do not care; let me
alone to say my prayers. Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this: a beau
mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts. I cannot, said she.
It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . . the pr. .
. mounts. And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble
heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters. Take them, said
she, and trouble me no longer. This done, she would have taken off her
paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and
adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his
knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going
away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife?
No, no, said she. But, said he, to the purpose. I am at your commandment,
body and goods, tripes and bowels.

In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her
paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance
by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is
some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country. I shall
never recover my paternosters again. What will my husband say? He will no
doubt be angry with me. But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off
from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end
of the ribbon left at my girdle. After dinner Panurge went to see her,
carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called
counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you
me, or I you? Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for,
as God commands, I love all the world. But to the purpose, said he; are
not you in love with me? I have, said she, told you so many times already
that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will
teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly. Get you hence
packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for
them.

How now, madam, said he, your paternosters? Nay, by mine oath, I will not
do so, but I will give you others. Had you rather have them of gold well
enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or,
otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them
of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine
turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu
rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares? No, no,
all this is too little. I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked
with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an
orange. It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats. I will
make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made
a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.

Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson
dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin? Will you have
chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes; so far as
fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the virtue
of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,
No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G--, said he, but I will
have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,
neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it. Hold!
--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for
lodging! --and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,
yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a
little? A turd for you! You do not deserve so much good, nor so much
honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran
away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally
fearful.



Chapter 2. XXII.

How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.

Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus
Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and
on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,
under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.

The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side
and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her
with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day
and night. In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of
her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces
as small as he could. Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went
to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as
the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then, a
little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by
her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner
as followeth.

A Roundelay.

For this one time, that I to you my love
Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
Who never any wrong to you had done,
In any kind of action, word, or thought:
So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
For this one time.

What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
With favour and compassion, how a spark
Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
With deep affection, and that, for my part,
I only ask that you with me would dance
The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
For this one time?

And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very
promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers
places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. Then
said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. As for
me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I
suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in
purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.
Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church
came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed
upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the
greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving them
away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or
oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did
compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with
their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others
in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed
upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much
ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of
the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were
flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and
every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud
or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call
Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he
went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,
Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avant,
avant, with a devil avant! And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,
Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are
assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,
which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at the
procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs
about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever
she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed
her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. All
the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of
those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her
gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to
retire unto her house, which was a palace. Thither she went, and the dogs
after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain
from laughing. When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so
well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their
urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same
current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for
the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did
heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you, a mill would have ground
corn with it. Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.



Chapter 2. XXIII.

How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had
invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are
so short in France.

A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had
been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were
Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands 'together,
and that. '--M. ) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the
Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a
great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of
the Amaurots. Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man
farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.

Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little
territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of
other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told
him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the
Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished
into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond
divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. The said king chose
at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and
bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty,
handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he
caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days.
Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his
wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction
besides, to go unto divers places here and there. And wheresoever they
should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it
should be accounted for a league. Thus went away those brave fellows and
sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at
rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field's end,
and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short. But when
they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the
oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so
often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men's part) with one scurvy
paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany,
Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long. Other men give
other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which
Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rouen, they arrived at
Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,
Eusthenes, and Carpalin.

In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship,
he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and
entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus,
--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men
--P. N. T. G. R. L.



Chapter 2. XXIV.

A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris,
together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.

When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and
therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it.
Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise
enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond.
Wondering at
this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case. Whereupon Panurge
told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and
artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore,
to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal
ammoniac soaked in water. Then put he it into the water, to see if the
letter was written with the juice of tithymalle. After that he held it up
against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white
onions.

Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not
written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of
a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with
the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs. Afterwards he rubbed one
corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not written
with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the
winter-cherry. He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it
were not written with the gall of a raven. Then did he dip it into vinegar,
to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge. After
that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was
not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris. Then put
it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to
see whether it were written with stone-alum. But after all experiments,
when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger
and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give
thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the
conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention. And the messenger answered
him, No, sir. Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see
whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof
soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very
long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a
length in so short a time.

Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G--, I cannot tell
what to do nor say in it. For, to know whether there be anything written
upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master
Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of
reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, Peri
grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis illegibilibus. But I
can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is anything else in it than
the ring. Let us, therefore, look upon it. Which when they had done, they
found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they
called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant. To which he answered that
they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me? Upon
that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the mystery. Do you see this
diamond? It is a false one. This, then, is the exposition of that which
the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken
me? Which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal
remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was
very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with
her. But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and
the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when
need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of
it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of
his nativity, which was then in danger. And, indeed, within an hour after
that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and
put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto
Sancto and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands.
Parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by
Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore
again in the kingdom of Melinda. Parting from thence, they sailed away
with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by
Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie,
till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of
the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.

When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said,
Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss,
before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not
like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact? Are you
resolved to live and die with me? Yes, sir, said they all, and be as
confident of us as of your own fingers. Well, said he, there is but one
thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I
know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to
the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set on
with the better assurance. Let us therefore consult together, and bethink
ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence. Whereunto they
all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this
very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a
certain report thereof.

Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the
very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and
lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery
and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and
magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being
discovered. The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his
circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus.

And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant
captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks
and subtleties of the art of war. I will go, and, though I be detected and
revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you whatever I please,
for I am of the race of Sinon.

I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite
of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies
and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong
as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules.

And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am so
nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their
trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive
me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he
the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able to
make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt. I will
undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without
making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of
Camilla the Amazon.



Chapter 2. XXV.

How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants
of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore
horsemen very cunningly.

As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light
horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship
it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to
take them if they had been able. Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire
yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I
will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so
many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it.
Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so,
but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for
I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set
forward. Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw
yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able
to do. Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be too
weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance. With this Panurge took
two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which
was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground,
making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that. Then
said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn
about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two
cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, stay you
here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies. Do as they bid you, and
make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the
compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them. And
presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel
of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by
with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand. Presently came the
horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship,
and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their
horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on,
thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival. But Panurge
said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves; I pray
you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the
sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure.
So said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the
deck. In the meantime Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were
all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were
retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging
upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried
out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw! Then began Epistemon to wind
about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and
empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down
to the ground easily, together with their riders. But they, seeing that,
drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon Panurge set fire to
the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and
horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet
Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of
the ropes. But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such
nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces;
then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him
in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.

This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously
commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his
fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily
upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground,
and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only
that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him
up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his
throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it
as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat
than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.



Chapter 2. XXVI.

How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and
how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison.

Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly
of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison? This salt meat makes me
horribly dry. I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which
we have burnt; it is well roasted already. As he was rising up to go about
it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was
come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge's fire. Him
did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had
been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he
was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards,
seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged
ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty
cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and
rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in
a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and
three great foxes. So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the
head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up
his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be
heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar! Then the
good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him
some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands,
and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back
a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares. Then immediately
did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden
spits. Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier
saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their
prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein
the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of
vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a
triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.
Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little
anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the
great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what
a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps. But, said Panurge,
it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we
might get the upper hand of our enemies. That is well remembered, said
Pantagruel. Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us
here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed
alive, for it is I that eat the little children. Relate unto us at full
the order, the number, and the strength of the army. To which the prisoner
answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred
giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great. Nevertheless,
not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,
who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, one
hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of
hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred
men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and
arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one
hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,
said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others
Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High
Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.

Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there? Yes, sir, said the prisoner;
he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,
which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more
thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.
It is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go
with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you! I
have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so
the devil one leg of them shall escape. But I am somewhat troubled about
one thing. And what is that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, how I
shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the
whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one
unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and
women in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.

And Carpalin said: The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not
bumbaste some one of them. Then said Eusthenes: What! shall not I have
any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as
that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o'clock, till now that I have
it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, said Panurge,
thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the
best case.

How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass? The
devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the right of war, Qui
potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,
and ride as the world doth. And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,
and said unto them, You reckon without your host. I am much afraid that,
before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no
great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of
pike and lance. Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that! I will not fail to
bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. They
are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty
hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus
Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all. For
God's sake, take you no care for that. Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;
my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.
Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their
backs. Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.



Chapter 2. XXVII.

How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge
another in remembrance of the hares. How Pantagruel likewise with his
farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge
broke a great staff over two glasses.

Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that
you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy. Then
every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set
up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the
fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees,
stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with
steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a
gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness,
and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a
triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy. And then Pantagruel, for an eternal
memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:--

Here was the prowess made apparent of
Four brave and valiant champions of proof,
Who, without any arms but wit, at once,
Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,
Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore
Crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before.
By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,
That sleight is much more prevalent than might.

For victory,
As all men see,
Hangs on the ditty
Of that committee
Where the great God
Hath his abode.

Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,
But to his elect, as we must believe;
Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,
Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.

Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and
fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and
the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a
coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four
queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put
salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a
dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of
Beauvais. Then, in imitation of Pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that
which followeth:--

Here was it that four jovial blades sat down
To a profound carousing, and to crown
Their banquet with those wines which please best great
Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.
Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,
With salt and vinegar, displayed there,
Of which to snatch a bit or two at once
They all fell on like hungry scorpions.

For th' Inventories
Of Defensories
Say that in heat
We must drink neat
All out, and of
The choicest stuff.

But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh,
Unless with vinegar we it refresh.
Receive this tenet, then, without control,
That vinegar of that meat is the soul.

Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too
long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest
eaters do the most martial exploits. There is no shadow like that of
flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of
armour. At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow
like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering
like that of goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like
that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering
like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap,
and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!
When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart
that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the
corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men,
ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little
women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow
but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round. How
now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? By G--, here be
brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will
beget fine hornets and dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called them
pigmies. Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time
they are increased mightily. But the cranes make war with them
continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for
these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call
whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and
choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their
spleen.

At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both
of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of
them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot
from one another. Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and
a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the
staff did come just to the brims of the glasses. This done, he took a
great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My
masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for
just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either
breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop
of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our
Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or
goods. But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold!
said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this
log. Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop
of the water fell out of the glasses. Then said he, I know a great many
such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.



Chapter 2. XXVIII.

How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the
Giants.

After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away,
saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what
thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for,
as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I
will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven
thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly
and against reason thus to invade my country. Wherein Pantagruel feigned
that he had an army at sea. But the prisoner answered that he would yield
himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own
people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God's
sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do. Whereunto
Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence
speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a
boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon
thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet
sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that
if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he
might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of
danger.

The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the
battle he would have compassion upon him. Whereat Pantagruel said unto
him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole
confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my
part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in
arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but
all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that
in him do put their trust and confidence. This done, the prisoner
requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his
ransom. To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor
ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. Go thy
way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil
company, lest some mischief befall thee. The prisoner being gone,
Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe
that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till
to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of
our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves,
but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour
of the first sleep.

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus
and his army. When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told
him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown
and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty
horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news. Besides that, he was
charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he
must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set
upon him. Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures.
But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken
with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of
the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that,
for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking
only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his
head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still
pour in wine into his throat with a funnel. Which when his captains,
bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to
try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no. But it so
befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well
that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;
that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his
captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards,
and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could. Every
man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle
it as fast as they could. In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that
they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp.

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself
in this business. Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the
mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the
top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of
Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full
of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so
set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers. When he was come near to
the enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let
down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship,
that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that
there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and
thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which
Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some
scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar.
After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave
Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is
a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins,
the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides,
which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds
of diuretic or piss-procuring simples. This done, Pantagruel said to
Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you
can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge
their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking
a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and
pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great
voice, and then come away from thence. Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not
good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all
their powder. Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was
appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the
city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so
lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and
sleep, that they never perceived him. He came to the place where their
artillery was, and set their munition on fire. But here was the danger.
The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt. And had
it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting
pig. But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a
crossbow could not have had a swifter motion. When he was clear of their
trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such
amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been
let loose. At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how? Even
no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to
matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.

In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark,
and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their
throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like
foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that
is in us! Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs
which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so
copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten
leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if
his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would
undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for
she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or
the Danube. Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They
are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along. But they were
deceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood of their
enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the
pavilions and some small light of the moon.

The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in
the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not
tell what to say nor what to think. Some said that it was the end of the
world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire. Others again
thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them,
did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and
salt.

O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself
against the three hundred giants! O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia,
inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the
logical bridge of asses! Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to
have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought. Ah,
would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank
who shall read this so veridical history!



Chapter 2.