No More Learning

SIR PETER. No! --then efaith let her hear it out. --Here's a Closet will
do as well. --

SURFACE. Well, go in there. --

SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue. --

SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm
in! --to part man and wife in this manner. --

LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out. ] Couldn't I steal off--

SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!

SIR PETER. [Peeping out. ] Joseph--tax him home.

SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend

LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out. ] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in? --

SURFACE. Be still--my Life!

SIR PETER. [Peeping. ] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?

SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the
Door.

Enter CHARLES

CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't
let me up at first--What[? ] have you had a Jew or a wench with you. --

SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.

CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been
with you--

SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to
stay--

CHARLES. What[! ] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money
of him?

SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately
given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.

CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how
so Pray?

SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to
gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.

CHARLES. Who I--O Lud! not I upon my word. --Ha! ha! ha! so the old
Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's
worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?

SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother--He who can laugh----

CHARLES. True true as you were going to say--then seriously I never had
the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.

SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.

CHARLES. [Aloud. ] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to
have taken a fancy--but upon my soul I never gave her the least
encouragement. --Beside you know my Attachment to Maria--

SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest
Partiality for you----

CHARLES. Why--look'ee Joseph--I hope I shall never deliberately do
a dishonourable Action--but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw
herself in my way--and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to
be her Father----

SURFACE. Well?

CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your
Morality, that's all. --but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me
exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle--for faith I always understood
YOU were her Favourite--

SURFACE. O for shame--Charles--This retort is Foolish.

CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant
Glances----

SURFACE. Nay--nay--Sir--this is no jest--

CHARLES. Egad--I'm serious--Don't you remember--one Day, when I called
here----

SURFACE. Nay--prithee--Charles

CHARLES. And found you together----

SURFACE. Zounds, Sir--I insist----

CHARLES. And another time when your Servant----

SURFACE. Brother--brother a word with you--Gad I must stop him--[Aside. ]

CHARLES. Informed--me that----

SURFACE. Hush! --I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we
have been saying--I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have
consented--

CHARLES. How Sir Peter--Where is He--

SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet. ]

CHARLES. [In the Closet! ] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out--Sir Peter
come forth!

SURFACE. No--no----

CHARLES. I say Sir Peter--come into court. --

[Pulls in SIR PETER. ]

What--my old Guardian--what[! ] turn inquisitor and take evidence
incog. --

SIR PETER. Give me your hand--Charles--I believe I have suspected you
wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph--'twas my Plan--

CHARLES. Indeed! --

SIR PETER. But I acquit you--I promise you I don't think near so ill of
you as I did--what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.

CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it
Joseph?

SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.

CHARLES. Aye--aye--that was a Joke.

SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.

CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter,
for all that--mightn't He, Joseph?

SIR PETER. Well well I believe you--

SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!

Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE

SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.

SURFACE. Gentlemen--I beg Pardon--I must wait on you downstairs--Here is
a Person come on particular Business----

CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room--Sir Peter and I haven't
met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.

SURFACE. They must not be left together. --I'll send this man away and
return directly--

[SURFACE goes out. ]

SIR PETER. Ah--Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one
might indeed hope for your reformation--He is a man of Sentiment--Well!
there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!

CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half--and so apprehensive of his good
Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in
his House as a Girl--

SIR PETER. No--no--come come,--you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake
but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to
tell him--we should have such a Laugh!

CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite--a young Hermit!

SIR PETER. Harkee--you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it
again I promise you.

CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?

SIR PETER. No--but--this way. Egad, I'll tell him--Harkee, have you a
mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?

CHARLES. I should like it of all things--

SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will--I'll be quit with him for discovering
me. --He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers. ]

CHARLES. What[! ] Joseph[! ] you jest--

SIR PETER. Hush! --a little French Milliner--and the best of the jest
is--she's in the room now.

CHARLES. The devil she is--

SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points. ]

CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!

SIR PETER. No--no! He's coming--you shan't indeed!

CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!

SIR PETER. Not for the world--Joseph will never forgive me.

CHARLES. I'll stand by you----

SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming--

[SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen. ]

Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE

CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!

SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!

CHARLES. Sir Peter--This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever
saw! --Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide
and Seek--and I don't see who is out of the Secret! --Shall I beg your
Ladyship to inform me! --Not a word! --Brother! --will you please to
explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too? --Sir Peter, though I
found you in the Dark--perhaps you are not so now--all mute! Well tho'
I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly
understand one another--so I'll leave you to yourselves. --[Going. ]
Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so
much uneasiness! --Sir Peter--there's nothing in the world so noble as a
man of Sentiment! --

[Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES. ]

SURFACE. Sir Peter--notwithstanding I confess that appearances are
against me.
If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I
shall explain everything to your satisfaction. --

SIR PETER. If you please--Sir--

SURFACE. The Fact is Sir--that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions
to your ward Maria--I say Sir Lady Teazle--being apprehensive of the
Jealousy of your Temper--and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S
he Sir--I say call'd here--in order that I might explain those
Pretensions--but on your coming being apprehensive--as I said of your
Jealousy--she withdrew--and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth
of the Matter.

SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the
Lady will vouch for every article of it.

LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter--

SIR PETER. How[! ] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.

LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman
has told you.

SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am--

SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside. ]

LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself--

SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir--you'll find she'll make out a better
story than you without Prompting.

LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter--I came hither on no matter relating to
your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her--but
I came--seduced by his insidious arguments--and pretended Passion[--]at
least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your
Honour to his Baseness.

SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[. ]

SURFACE. The Woman's mad--

LADY TEAZLE. No Sir--she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have
furnished her with the means. Sir Peter--I do not expect you to credit
me--but the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure you could
not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had
I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery--my future
life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude--as for that
smooth-tongued Hypocrite--who would have seduced the wife of his too
credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward--I
behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again
Respect myself for having Listened to him.

[Exit. ]

SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter--Heaven knows----

SIR PETER. That you are a Villain! --and so I leave you to your
conscience--

SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter--you SHALL hear me--The man who
shuts out conviction by refusing to----

[Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking. ]

END OF THE FOURTH




ACT V




SCENE I. --The Library

Enter SURFACE and SERVANT

SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? --you
must know he came to ask something!

SERVANT. Sir--I shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to
the Door with him.

SURFACE. Pshaw! --Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper
to receive visits from poor Relations! --well why don't you show the
Fellow up?

SERVANT. I will--Sir--Why, Sir--it was not my Fault that Sir Peter
discover'd my Lady----

SURFACE. Go, fool! --

[Exit SERVANT. ]

Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before--my
character with Sir Peter! --my Hopes with Maria! --destroy'd in a
moment! --I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses! --I
shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley--So!
here--He comes and Rowley with him--I MUST try to recover myself, and
put a little Charity into my Face however. ----

[Exit. ]

Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY

SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He--was it not?

ROWLEY. It was Sir--but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly--his
Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for
him--I should have gone first to break you to him.

SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves--yet this is He whom Sir Peter
extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking! --

ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking--I can't pretend to decide[,] for, to
do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any
private Gentleman in the Kingdom--though he is seldom so sensual as to
indulge himself in the exercise of it----

SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at
his Fingers' ends! --

ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there
is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home. '

SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs
abroad at all.

ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so--but He's coming--I mustn't seem to
interrupt you--and you know immediately--as you leave him--I come in to
announce--your arrival in your real Character.

SIR OLIVER. True--and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's----

ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.

[Exit. ]

SIR OLIVER. So--I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance
of his Features.

Enter SURFACE

SURFACE. Sir--I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping--you a moment
waiting--Mr. Stanley--I presume----

SIR OLIVER. At your Service.

SURFACE. Sir--I beg you will do me the honour to sit down--I entreat you
Sir.

SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion--too civil by half!

SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley--but I am
extremely happy to see you look so well--you were nearly related to my
mother--I think Mr. Stanley----

SIR OLIVER. I was Sir--so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do
discredit to her Wealthy Children--else I should not have presumed to
trouble you. --

SURFACE. Dear Sir--there needs no apology--He that is in Distress tho' a
stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy--I am sure I wish
I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small
relief.

SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here--I should have a
Friend----

SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart--you should not want an
advocate with him--believe me Sir.

SIR OLIVER. I should not need one--my Distresses would recommend
me. --but I imagined--his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of
his Charity.

SURFACE. My dear Sir--you are strangely misinformed--Sir Oliver is a
worthy Man, a worthy man--a very worthy sort of Man--but avarice
Mr. Stanley is the vice of age--I will tell you my good Sir in
confidence:--what he has done for me has been a mere--nothing[;] tho'
People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to
contradict the Report.

SIR OLIVER. What! --has he never
transmitted--you--Bullion--Rupees--Pagodas!

SURFACE. O Dear Sir--Nothing of the kind--no--no--a few Presents now and
then--china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats--and indian Crackers--little
more, believe me.

SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds! --Avadavats and
indian Crackers.

SURFACE. Then my dear--Sir--you have heard, I doubt not, of the
extravagance of my Brother--Sir--there are very few would credit what I
have done for that unfortunate young man.

SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!

SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed--I have been exceedingly to
blame--it was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend to defend
it--and now I feel it doubly culpable--since it has deprived me of the
power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs----

SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir--you cannot assist me?

SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot--but whenever I have
the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.

SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry----

SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me--to pity without the Power to
relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied----

SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir--your most obedient humble servant.

SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley--William--be ready to
open the door----

SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony----

SURFACE. Your very obedient----

SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious----

SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of
service----

SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir--you are too good----

SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits----

SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant----

SURFACE. Sir--yours as sincerely----

SIR OLIVER. Charles! --you are my Heir.

[Exit. ]

SURFACE, solus Soh! --This is one bad effect of a good Character--it
invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small
degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without
incurring the expence. --The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive
article in the catalogue of a man's good Qualities--whereas the
sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a
shew--and pays no tax.

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. Mr. Surface--your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting
you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention--as this Note will
inform you----

SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley--how--Oliver--Surface! --My Unkle
arrived!

ROWLEY. He is indeed--we have just parted--quite well--after a speedy
voyage--and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.

SURFACE. I am astonished! --William[! ] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not
gone----

ROWLEY. O--He's out of reach--I believe.

SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together. --

ROWLEY. I thought you had particular--Business--but must be gone to
inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be
with you in a quarter of an hour----

SURFACE. So he says. Well--I am strangely overjoy'd at his coming--never
to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky!

ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.

SURFACE. O--I'm rejoiced to hear it--just at this time----

ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him----

SURFACE. Do--do--pray--give my best duty and affection--indeed, I cannot
express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him! --certainly
his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune----

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE II. --At SIR PETER'S House

Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT

SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.

MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour----

SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her----

MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again--I shall be glad to see her if it be only for
a moment--for I am sure she must be in great Distress

[exit MAID]

--Dear Heart--how provoking! --I'm not mistress of half the
circumstances! --We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with
the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a
dozen houses.

Enter SIR BENJAMIN

Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose----

SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface----

MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery----

SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure----

MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life! --I am so sorry
for all Parties--indeed,

SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all--he was so
extravagant--partial to Mr. Surface----

MRS.