No More Learning

If the Rhodians had not decided on
such grandiose dimensions for me, the same outlay would have
furnished forth a round dozen of your golden Gods; I ought to be
valued proportionally. And then, besides the size, there is the
workmanship and careful finish.

_Herm_. What shall I do, Zeus? Here is a difficulty again--too
much for me. Going by material, he is bronze; but, reckoning the
talents his bronze cost, he would be above the first class.

_Zeus_. What business has he here dwarfing the rest and
blocking up all the bench? --Why, my excellent Rhodian, you may be
as superior to the golden ones as you will; but how can you
possibly go in the front row? Every one would have to get up, to
let you sit; half that broad beam of yours would fill the whole
House. I must ask you to assist our deliberations standing; you can
bend down your head to the meeting.

_Herm_. Now here is another problem. Both bronze, equal
aesthetically, being both from Lysippus's studio, and, to crown
all, nothing to choose between them for birth--two sons of yours,
Zeus--Dionysus and Heracles. Which is to be first? You can see for
yourself, they mean to stand upon their order.

_Zeus_. We are wasting time, Hermes; the debate should have
been in full swing by now. Tell them to sit anyhow, according to
taste; we will have an _ad hoc_ meeting another day, and then
I shall know how to settle the question of precedence.

_Herm_. My goodness, what a noise! what low vulgar bawling!
listen--'Hurry up with that carving! ' 'Do pass the nectar! ' 'Why no
more ambrosia? ' 'When are those hecatombs coming? ' 'Here, shares in
that victim! '

_Zeus_. Call them to order, Hermes; this nonsense must cease,
before I can give them the order of the day.

_Herm_. They do not all know Greek; and I haven't the gift of
tongues, to make myself understood by Scythians and Persians and
Thracians and Celts. Perhaps I had better hold up my hand and
signal for silence.

_Zeus_. Do.

_Herm_. Good; they are as quiet as if they were so many
teachers of elocution. Now is the time for your speech; see, they
are all hanging on your lips.

_Zeus_. Why--there is something wrong with me--Hermes, my boy
--I will be frank with you. You know how confident and impressive I
always was as a public speaker?

_Herm_. I know; I used to be in such a fright; you threatened
sometimes to let down your golden cord and heave up earth and sea
from their foundations, Gods included.

_Zeus_. But to-day, my child--it may be this terrible crisis--
it may be the size of the audience--there is a vast number of Gods
here, isn't there--anyhow, my thoughts are all mixed, I shiver, my
tongue seems tied. What is most absurd of all, my exordium is gone
clean out of my head; and I had prepared it on purpose to produce a
good impression at the start.

_Herm_. You have spoiled everything, Zeus. They cannot make
out your silence; they are expecting to hear of some terrible
disaster, to account for your delay.

_Zeus_. What do you think? Reel off the exordium in Homer?

_Herm_. Which one?

_Zeus_. Lend me your ears, Gods all and Goddesses.

_Herm_. Rubbish! you made quite exhibition enough of yourself
in that vein in our cabinet council. However, you might, if
you like, drop your metrical fustian, and adapt any one of
Demosthenes's Philippics with a few alterations. That is the
fashionable method with speakers nowadays.

_Zeus_. Ah, that is a royal road to eloquence--simplifies
matters very much for a man in difficulties.

_Herm_. Go ahead, then.

_Zeus_. Men of--Heaven, I presume that you would be willing to
pay a great price, if you could know what in the world has
occasioned the present summons. Which being so, it is fitting that
you should give a ready hearing to my words. Now, whereas the
present crisis, Heavenians, may almost be said to lift up a voice
and bid us take vigorous hold on opportunity, it seems to me that
we are letting it slip from our nerveless grasp. And I wish now (I
can't remember any more) to exhibit clearly to you the apprehensions
which have led to my summoning you.

As you are all aware, Mnesitheus the ship's-captain yesterday made
his votive offering for the narrow escape of his vessel off
Caphereus, and those of us whom he had invited attended the banquet
in Piraeus. After the libations you went your several ways. I
myself, as it was not very late, walked up to town for an afternoon
stroll in Ceramicus, reflecting as I went on the parsimony of
Mnesitheus. When the ship was driving against the cliff, and
already inside the circle of reef, he had vowed whole hecatombs:
what he offered in fact, with sixteen Gods to entertain, was a
single cock--an old bird afflicted with catarrh--and half a dozen
grains of frankincense; these were all mildewed, so that they at
once fizzled out on the embers, hardly giving enough smoke to
tickle the olfactories. Engaged in these thoughts I reached the
Poecile, and there found a great crowd gathered; there were some
inside the Portico, a large number outside, and a few seated on the
benches vociferating as loud as they could. Guessing correctly that
these were philosophers of the militant variety, I had a mind to
stop and hear what they were saying. I was enveloped in a good
thick cloud, under cover of which I assumed their habit, lengthened
my beard, and so made a passable philosopher; then I elbowed my way
through the crowd and got in undetected. I found an accomplished
scoundrel and a pattern of human virtue at daggers drawn; they were
Damis the Epicurean and Timocles the Stoic. The latter was bathed
in perspiration, and his voice showed signs of wear, while Damis
goaded him on to further exertions with mocking laughter.

The bone of contention was ourselves. Damis--the reptile! --
maintained that we did not concern ourselves in thought or act with
human affairs, and practically denied our existence; that was what
it came to. And he found some support. Timocles was on our side,
and loyally, passionately, unshrinkingly did he champion the cause;
he extolled our Providence, and illustrated the orderly discerning
character of our influence and government. He too had his party;
but he was exhausted and quite husky; and the majority were
inclining to Damis. I saw how much was at stake, and ordered Night
to come on and break up the meeting. They accordingly dispersed,
agreeing to conclude the inquiry next day. I kept among the crowd
on its way home, heard its commendations of Damis, and found that
his views were far the more popular, though some still protested
against condemning Timocles out of hand, and preferred to see what
he would say for himself to-morrow.

You now know the occasion of this meeting--no light one, ye Gods,
if you reflect how entirely our dignity, our revenue, our honour,
depend on mankind. If they should accept as true either our
absolute non-existence or, short of that, our indifference to them,
farewell to our earthly sacrifices, attributes, honours; we shall
sit starving and ineffectual in Heaven; our beloved feasts and
assemblies, games and sacrifices, vigils and processions--all will
be no more. So mighty is the issue; believe me, it behoves us all
to search out salvation; and where lies salvation? In the victory
and acceptance of Timocles, in laughter that shall drown the voice
of Damis. For I doubt the unaided powers of Timocles, if our help
be not accorded him.

Hermes, make formal proclamation, and let the debate commence.

_Herm_. Hear, keep silence, clamour not. Of full and qualified
Gods, speak who will. Why, what means this? Doth none rise? Cower
ye confounded at these momentous tidings?

_Mo_.

Away, ye dull as earth, as water weak!

But _I_ could find plenty to say, Zeus, if free speech were
granted me.

_Zeus_. Speak, Momus, and fear not. You will use your freedom,
surely, for the common good.

_Mo_. Hear, then, ye Gods; for out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaketh. You must know, I foresaw all this
clearly--our difficulty--the growth of these agitators; it is
ourselves who are responsible for their impudence; I swear to you,
we need not blame Epicurus nor his friends and successors, for the
prevalence of these ideas. Why, what can one expect men to think,
when they see all life topsy-turvy--the good neglected, pining in
poverty, disease, and slavery, detestable scoundrels honoured,
rolling in wealth, and ordering their betters about, temple-robbers
undetected and unpunished, the innocent constantly crucified and
bastinadoed? With this evidence before them, it is only natural
they should conclude against our existence. All the more when they
hear the oracles saying that some one

The Halys crossed, o'erthrows a mighty realm,
but not specifying whether that realm is his own or his enemy's;

or again

O sacred Salamis, thou shalt slay
Full many a mother's son.

The Greeks were mothers' sons as well as the Persians, I suppose.
Or again, when they hear the ballads about our loves, our wounds,
captivities, thraldoms, quarrels, and endless vicissitudes (mark
you, we claim all the while to be blissful and serene), are they
not justified in ridiculing and belittling us? And then we say it
is outrageous if a few people who are not quite fools expose the
absurdity and reject Providence; why, we ought to be glad enough
that a few still go on sacrificing to blunderers like us.

And at this point, Zeus--this meeting is private; the human element
is not represented among us (except by Heracles, Dionysus,
Ganymede, and Asclepius, and they are naturalized)--at this point,
answer me a question frankly: did your interest in mankind ever
carry you so far as to sift the good from the bad? The answer is in
the negative, I know. Very well, then; had not a Theseus, on his
way from Troezen to Athens, exterminated the malefactors as an
incidental amusement, Sciron and Pityocamptes and Cercyon and the
rest of them might have gone on battening on the slaughter of
travellers, for all you and your Providence would have done. Had
not an old-fashioned thoughtful Eurystheus, benevolently collecting
information of local troubles, sent this energetic enterprising
servant of his about, the mighty Zeus would never have given a
thought to the Hydra or the Stymphalian birds, the Thracian horses
and the drunken insolence of Centaurs.

If the truth must out, we sit here with a single eye to one thing--
does a man sacrifice and feed the altars fat? Everything else
drifts as it may. We get our deserts, and shall continue to get
them, when men open their eyes by degrees and find that sacrifices
and processions bring them no profit. Before long you will find we
are the laughing-stock of people like Epicurus, Metrodorus, Damis,
who will have mastered and muzzled our advocates. With whom does it
lie to check and remedy this state of things? Why, with you, who
have brought it on. As for Momus, what is dishonour to him? He was
never among the recipients of honour, while you were still
prosperous; your banquetings were too exclusive.

_Zeus_. He was ever a cross-grained censor; we need not mind
his maundering, Gods. We have it from the admirable Demosthenes:
imputations, blame, criticism, these are easy things; they tax no
one's capacity: what calls for a statesman is the suggesting of a
better course; and that is what I rely upon the rest of you for;
let us do our best without his help.

_Pos_. As for me, I live ordinarily under water, as you know,
and follow an independent policy in the depths; that policy is to
save sailors, set ships on their way, and keep the winds quiet, as
best I may. However, I do take an interest in your politics too,
and my opinion is that this Damis should be got rid of before the
debate; the thunderbolt would do it, or some means could be found;
else he might win--you say he is a plausible fellow, Zeus. It would
teach them that there is a reckoning for telling such tales about
us, too.

_Zeus_. You must be jesting, Posidon; you cannot have forgotten
that we have no say in the matter? It is the Fates that spin a
man's thread, whether he be destined to the thunderbolt or the
sword, to fever or consumption. If it had depended on me, do you
suppose I should have let those temple-robbers get off unblasted
from Pisa the other day? --two of my curls shorn off, weighing half
a dozen pounds apiece. Would _you_ have stood it, when that
fisherman from Oreus stole your trident at Geraestus? Moreover,
they will think we are sensitive and angry; they will suspect that
the reason why we get the man out of the way without waiting to see
him matched with Timocles is that we are afraid of his arguments;
they will say we are just securing judgement by default.

_Pos_. Dear, dear! I thought I had hit upon a good short cut
to our object.

_Zeus_. Nonsense, there is something fishy about it, Posidon;
and it is a dull notion too, to destroy your adversary beforehand;
he dies unvanquished, and leaves his argument behind him still
debatable and undecided.

_Pos_. Then the rest of you must think of something better, if
'fishy' is the best word you have for me.

_Apol_. If we beardless juniors were competent to address the
meeting, _I_ might perhaps have contributed usefully to the
discussion.

_Mo_. Oh, Apollo, the inquiry is so important that seniority
may be waived, and any one allowed his say; a pretty thing to split
hairs about legal competence at a supreme crisis! But _you_
are surely qualified by this time; your minority is prehistoric,
your name is on the Privy-Council roll, your senatorial rank dates
back almost to Cronus. Pray spare us these juvenile airs, and give
us your views freely; you need not be bashful about your smooth
chin; you have a father's rights in Asclepius's great bush of a
beard. Moreover, you never had a better opportunity of showing your
wisdom, if your philosophic _seances_ with the Muses on Helicon
have not been thrown away.

_Apol_. Why, it does not lie with you to give me leave, Momus;
Zeus must do that; and if he bids, I may find words that shall be
not all uncultured, but worthy of my Heliconian studies.

_Zeus_. Speak, son; thou hast my leave.

_Apol_. This Timocles is a good pious man, and an excellent
Stoic scholar; his learning has gained him a wide and paying
connexion among young men; in private lessons his manner is indeed
very convincing. But in public speaking he is timid, cannot produce
his voice, and has a provincial accent; the consequence is, he gets
laughed at in company, lacks fluency, stammers and loses his
thread--especially when he emphasizes these defects by an attempt
at flowers of speech. As far as intelligence goes, he is extremely
acute and subtle, so the Stoic experts say; but he spoils it all by
the feebleness of his oral explanations; he is confused and
unintelligible, deals in paradoxes, and when he is interrogated,
explains _ignotum per ignotius_; his audience does not grasp
his meaning, and therefore laughs at him. I think lucidity a most
important point; there is nothing one should be so careful about as
to be comprehensible.

_Mo_. You praise lucidity, Apollo; your theory is excellent,
though your practice does not quite conform; your oracles are
crooked and enigmatic, and generally rely upon a safe ambiguity; a
second prophet is required to say what they mean. But what is your
solution of the problem? How are we to cure Timocles of the
impediment in his speech?

_Apol_. If possible, we should provide him with an able
counsel (there are plenty such) to be inspired by him and give
adequate expression to his ideas.

_Mo_. Your sapience is beardless indeed--_in statu pupillari_, one
may say. A learned gathering: Timocles with counsel by his side to
interpret his ideas. Damis speaking _in propria persona_ with his
own tongue, his opponent employing a go-between into whose ears he
privately pours inspiration, and the go-between producing ornate
periods, without, I dare say, understanding what he is told--most
entertaining for the listeners! We shall get nothing out of that
device.

But, reverend sir, you claim the gift of prophecy, and it has
brought you in good pay--golden ingots on one occasion? --why not
seize this opportunity of exhibiting your art? You might tell us
which of the disputants will win; a prophet knows the future, of
course.

_Apol_. I have no tripod or incense here; no substitute for
the divining-well of Castaly.

_Mo_. Aha! you are caught! you will not come to the scratch.

_Zeus_. Speak, my son, in spite of all; give not this enemy
occasion to blaspheme; let him not flout thy powers with tripod and
water and frankincense, as though thine art were lost without them.

_Apol_. Father, it were better done at Delphi or at Colophon,
with all the customary instruments to hand. Yet, bare and
unprovided as I am, I will essay to tell whether of them twain
shall prevail. --If the metre is a little rough, you must make
allowances.

_Mo_. Go on, then; but remember, Apollo: lucidity; no 'able
counsel,' no solutions that want solving themselves. It is not a
question of lamb and tortoise boiling [Footnote: See _Croesus_
in Notes. ] in Lydia now; you know what we want to get at.

_Zeus_. What will thine utterance be? How dread, even now, is
the making ready! The altered hue, the rolling eyes, the floating
locks, the frenzied gesture--all is possession, horror, mystery.

_Apol_.

Who lists may hear Apollo's soothfast rede
Of stiff debate, heroic challenge ringing
Shrill, and each headpiece lined with fence of proof.
Alternate clack the strokes in whirling strife;
Sore buffeted, quakes and shivers heart of oak.
But when grasshopper feels the vulture's talons,
Then the storm-boding ravens croak their last,
Prevail the mules, butts his swift foals the ass.

_Zeus_. Why that ribald laughter, Momus? It is no laughing
matter. Stop, stop, fool; you'll choke yourself.

_Mo_. Well, such a clear simple oracle puts one in spirits.

_Zeus_. Indeed? Then perhaps you will kindly expound it.

_Mo_. No need of a Themistocles this time; it is absolutely
plain. The oracle just says in so many words that he is a quack,
and we pack-asses (quite true) and mules to believe in him; we have
not as much sense, it adds, as a grasshopper.

_Herac_. Father, I am only an alien, but I am not afraid to
give my opinion. Let them begin their debate. Then, if Timocles
gets the best of it, we can let the meeting go on, in our own
interest; on the other hand, if things look bad, I will give the
Portico a shake, if you like, and bring it down on Damis; a
confounded fellow like that is not to insult us.

_Zeus_. Now by Heracles--I can swear by you, I certainly
cannot swear by your plan--what a crude--what a shockingly
philistine suggestion! What! destroy all those people for one man's
wickedness? and the Portico thrown in, with the Miltiades and
Cynaegirus on the field of Marathon? Why, if these were ruined, how
could the orators ever make another speech, with the best of their
stock-in-trade taken from them? Besides, while you were alive, you
might possibly have done a thing like that; but now that you are a
God, you surely understand that only the Fates are competent, and
we cannot interfere?

_Herac_. Then when I slew the lion or the Hydra, was I only
the Fates' instrument?

_Zeus_. Of course you were.

_Herac_. And now, suppose any one insults me, or robs my
temple, or upsets an image of me, am I not to pulverize him, just
because the Fates have not decreed it long ago?

_Zeus_. Certainly not.

_Herac_. Then allow me to speak my mind;

I'm a blunt man; I call a spade a spade.

If this is the state of things with you, good-bye for me to your
honours and altar-steam and fat of victims; I shall be off to
Hades. There, if I show my bow ready for action, the ghosts of the
monsters I have slain will be frightened, at least.

_Zeus_. Oh, splendid! 'Thine own lips testify against thee,'
says the book; you would have saved Damis some trouble by putting
this in his mouth.

But who is this breathless messenger? Bronze--a nice clean figure
and outline--_chevelure_ rather out of date. Ah, he must be
your brother, Hermes, who stands in the Market by the Poecile; I
see he is all over pitch; that is what comes of having casts taken
of you every day. My son, why this haste? Have you important news
from Earth?

_Hermag_. Momentous news, calling for infinite energy.

_Zeus_. Speak, tarry not, if any peril else hath escaped our
vigilance.

_Hermag_.

It chanced of late that by the statuaries
My breast and back were plastered o'er with pitch;
A mock cuirass tight-clinging hung, to ape
My bronze, and take the seal of its impression.
When lo, a crowd! therein a pallid pair
Sparring amain, vociferating logic;
'Twas Damis and--

_Zeus_. Truce to your iambics, my excellent Hermagoras; I know
the pair. But tell me whether the fight has been going on long.

_Hermag_. Not yet; they were still skirmishing--slinging
invective at long range.

_Zeus_. Then we have only, Gods, to look over and listen. Let
the Hours unbar, draw back the clouds, and open the doors of
Heaven.

Upon my word, what a vast gathering! And I do not quite like the
looks of Timocles; he is trembling; he has lost his head; he will
spoil everything; it is perfectly plain, he will not be able to
stand up to Damis. Well, there is one thing left us: we can pray
for him

Inwardly, silently, lest Damis hear.

_Ti. What, you miscreant, no Gods? no Providence?

Da. No, no; you answer my question first; what makes you believe in
them?

Ti. None of that, now; the_ onus probandi _is with you,
scoundrel.

Da. None of that, now; it is with you.

Zeus_. At this game ours is much the better man--louder-voiced,
rougher-tempered. Good, Timocles; stick to invective; that is your
strong point; once you get off that, he will hook and hold you up
like a fish.

_Ti. I solemnly swear I will not answer first.

Da. Well, put your questions, then; so much you score by your oath.
But no abuse, please.

Ti. Done. Tell me, then, and be damned to you, do you deny that the
Gods exercise providence?

Da. I do.

Ti. What, are all the events we see uncontrolled, then?

Da. Yes.

Ti. And the regulation of the universe is not under any God's care?

Da. No.

Ti. And everything moves casually, by blind tendency?

Da. Yes.

Ti. Gentlemen, can you tolerate such sentiments? Stone the
blasphemer.

Da. What do you mean by hounding them against me? Who are you, that
you should protest in the Gods' name? They do not even protest in
their own; they have sent no judgement on me, and they have had
time enough to hear me, if they have ears.

Ti. They do hear you; they do; and some day their vengeance will
find you out.

Da. Pray when are they likely to have time to spare for me? They
are far too busy, according to you, with all the infinite concerns
of the universe on their hands. That is why they have never
punished you for your perjuries and--well, for the rest of your
performances, let me say, not to break our compact about abuse. And
yet I am at a loss to conceive any more convincing proof they could
have given of their Providence, than if they had trounced you as
you deserve. But no doubt they are from home--t'other side of
Oceanus, possibly, on a visit to 'the blameless Ethiopians. ' We
know they have a way of going there to dinner, self-invited
sometimes.

Ti. What answer is possible to such ribaldry?

Da. The answer I have been waiting for all this time; you can tell
me what made you believe in divine Providence.

Ti. Firstly, the order of nature--the sun running his regular
course, the moon the same, the circling seasons, the growth of
plants, the generation of living things, the ingenious adaptations
in these latter for nutrition, thought, movement, locomotion; look
at a carpenter or a shoemaker, for instance; and the thing is
infinite. All these effects, and no effecting Providence?

Da. You beg the question; whether the effects are produced by
Providence is just what is not yet proved. Your description of
nature I accept; it does not follow that there is definite design
in it; it is not impossible that things now similar and homogeneous
have developed from widely different origins. But you give the name
'order' to mere blind tendency. And you will be very angry if one
follows your appreciative catalogue of nature in all its variety,
but stops short of accepting it as a proof of detailed Providence.
So, as the play says,

Here lurks a fallacy; bring me sounder proof.

Ti. I cannot admit that further proof is required; nevertheless, I
will give you one. Will you allow Homer to have been an admirable
poet?

Da. Surely.

Ti. Well,_ he _maintains Providence, and warrants my belief.

Da. Magnificent! why, every one will grant you Homer's poetic
excellence; but not that he, or any other poet for that matter, is
good authority on questions of this sort. _ Their _object, of
course, is not truth, but fascination; they call in the charms of
metre, they take tales for the vehicle of what instruction they
give, and in short all their efforts are directed to pleasure.

But I should be glad to hear which parts of Homer you pin your
faith to. Where he tells how the daughter, the brother, and the
wife of Zeus conspired to imprison him? If Thetis had not been
moved to compassion and called Briareus, you remember, our
excellent Zeus would have been seized and manacled; and his
gratitude to her induced him to delude Agamemnon with a lying
dream, and bring about the deaths of a number of Greeks. Do you
see? The reason was that, if he had struck and blasted Agamemnon's
self with a thunderbolt, his double dealing would have come to
light. Or perhaps you found the Diomede story most convincing? --
Diomede wounded Aphrodite, and afterwards Ares himself, at Athene's
instigation; and then the Gods actually fell to blows and went
a-tilting--without distinction of sex; Athene overthrew Ares,
exhausted no doubt with his previous wound from Diomede; and

Hermes the stark and stanch 'gainst Leto stood.

Or did you put your trust in Artemis? She was a sensitive lady, who
resented not being invited to Oeneus's banquet, and by way of
vengeance sent a monstrous irresistible boar to ravage his country.
Is it with tales like these that Homer has prevailed on you?

Zeus_. Goodness me, what a shout, Gods! they are all cheering
Damis. And our man seems posed; he is frightened and trembles; he
is going to throw up the sponge, I am certain of it; he looks round
for a gap to get away through.

_Ti. And will you scout Euripides too, then? Again and again he
brings Gods on the stage, and shows them upholding virtue in the
Heroes, but chastising wickedness and impiety (like yours).

Da. My noble philosopher, if that is how the tragedians have
convinced you, you have only two alternatives: you must suppose
that divinity is temporarily lodged either in the actor--a Polus,
an Aristodemus, a Satyrus--, or else in the actual masks, buskins,
long tunics, cloaks, gloves, stomachers, padding, and ornamental
paraphernalia in general of tragedy--a manifest absurdity; for when
Euripides can speak his own sentiments unfettered by dramatic
necessity, observe the freedom of his remarks:

Dost see this aether stretching infinite,
And girdling earth with close yet soft embrace?
That reckon thou thy Zeus, that name thy God.

And again,

Zeus, whatever Zeus may be (for, save by hearsay,
I know not)--;

and there is more of the same sort.

Ti. Well, but all men--ay, all nations--have acknowledged and,
feted Gods; was it all delusion?

Da. Thank you; a timely reminder; national observances show better
than anything else how vague religious theory is. Confusion is
endless, and beliefs as many as believers. Scythia makes offerings
to a scimetar, Thrace to the Samian runaway Zamolxis, Phrygia to a
Month-God, Ethiopia to a Day-Goddess, Cyllene to Phales, Assyria to
a dove, Persia to fire, Egypt to water. In Egypt, though, besides
the universal worship of water, Memphis has a private cult of the
ox, Pelusium of the onion, other cities of the ibis or the
crocodile, others again of baboon, cat, or monkey. Nay, the very
villages have their specialities: one deifies the right shoulder,
and another across the river the left; one a half skull, another an
earthenware bowl or platter. Come, my fine fellow, is it not all
ridiculous?

Mo_. What did I tell you, Gods? All this was sure to come out
and be carefully overhauled.

_Zeus_. You did, Momus, and your strictures were justified; if
once we come safe out of this present peril, I will try to
introduce reforms.

_Ti. Infidel! where do you find the source of oracles and
prophecies, if not in the Gods and their Providence?

Da. About oracles, friend, the less said the better; I shall ask
you to choose your instances, you see. Will Apollo's answer to the
Lydian suit you? That was as symmetrical as a double-edged knife;
or say, it faced both ways, like those Hermae which are made
double, alike whether you look at front or back. Consider; will
Croesus's passage of the Halys destroy his own realm, or Cyrus's?
Tet the wretched Sardian paid a long price for his ambidextrous
hexameter.

Mo_. The man is realizing just my worst apprehensions. Where is
our handsome musician now? Ah, there you are; go down and plead
your own cause against him.

_Zeus_. Hush, Momus; you are murdering our feelings; it is no
time for recrimination.

_Ti. Have a care, Damis; this is sacrilege, no less; what you say
amounts to razing the temples and upsetting the altars.

Da. Oh, not_ all _the altars; what harm do they do, so long as
incense and perfume is the worst of it? As for Artemis's altar at
Tauri, though, and her hideous feasts, I should like it overturned
from base to cornice.

Zeus_. Whence comes this resistless plague among us? There is
none of us he spares; he is as free with his tongue as a tub
orator,

And grips by turns the innocent and guilty.

_Mo_. The innocent? You will not find many of those among us,
Zeus. He will soon come to laying hands upon some of the great and
eminent, I dare say.

_Ti. Do you close your ears even to Zeus's thunder, atheist?

Da.