No More Learning

Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at
his Fingers' ends! --

ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there
is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home. '

SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs
abroad at all.

ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so--but He's coming--I mustn't seem to
interrupt you--and you know immediately--as you leave him--I come in to
announce--your arrival in your real Character.

SIR OLIVER. True--and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's----

ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.

[Exit. ]

SIR OLIVER. So--I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance
of his Features.

Enter SURFACE

SURFACE. Sir--I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping--you a moment
waiting--Mr. Stanley--I presume----

SIR OLIVER. At your Service.

SURFACE. Sir--I beg you will do me the honour to sit down--I entreat you
Sir.

SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion--too civil by half!

SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley--but I am
extremely happy to see you look so well--you were nearly related to my
mother--I think Mr. Stanley----

SIR OLIVER. I was Sir--so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do
discredit to her Wealthy Children--else I should not have presumed to
trouble you. --

SURFACE. Dear Sir--there needs no apology--He that is in Distress tho' a
stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy--I am sure I wish
I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small
relief.

SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here--I should have a
Friend----

SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart--you should not want an
advocate with him--believe me Sir.

SIR OLIVER. I should not need one--my Distresses would recommend
me. --but I imagined--his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of
his Charity.

SURFACE. My dear Sir--you are strangely misinformed--Sir Oliver is a
worthy Man, a worthy man--a very worthy sort of Man--but avarice
Mr. Stanley is the vice of age--I will tell you my good Sir in
confidence:--what he has done for me has been a mere--nothing[;] tho'
People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to
contradict the Report.

SIR OLIVER. What! --has he never
transmitted--you--Bullion--Rupees--Pagodas!

SURFACE. O Dear Sir--Nothing of the kind--no--no--a few Presents now and
then--china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats--and indian Crackers--little
more, believe me.

SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds! --Avadavats and
indian Crackers.

SURFACE. Then my dear--Sir--you have heard, I doubt not, of the
extravagance of my Brother--Sir--there are very few would credit what I
have done for that unfortunate young man.

SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!

SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed--I have been exceedingly to
blame--it was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend to defend
it--and now I feel it doubly culpable--since it has deprived me of the
power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs----

SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir--you cannot assist me?

SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot--but whenever I have
the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.

SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry----

SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me--to pity without the Power to
relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied----

SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir--your most obedient humble servant.

SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley--William--be ready to
open the door----

SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony----

SURFACE. Your very obedient----

SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious----

SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of
service----

SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir--you are too good----

SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits----

SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant----

SURFACE. Sir--yours as sincerely----

SIR OLIVER. Charles! --you are my Heir.

[Exit. ]

SURFACE, solus Soh! --This is one bad effect of a good Character--it
invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small
degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without
incurring the expence. --The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive
article in the catalogue of a man's good Qualities--whereas the
sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a
shew--and pays no tax.

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. Mr. Surface--your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting
you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention--as this Note will
inform you----

SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley--how--Oliver--Surface! --My Unkle
arrived!

ROWLEY. He is indeed--we have just parted--quite well--after a speedy
voyage--and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.

SURFACE. I am astonished! --William[! ] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not
gone----

ROWLEY. O--He's out of reach--I believe.

SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together. --

ROWLEY. I thought you had particular--Business--but must be gone to
inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be
with you in a quarter of an hour----

SURFACE. So he says. Well--I am strangely overjoy'd at his coming--never
to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky!

ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.

SURFACE. O--I'm rejoiced to hear it--just at this time----

ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him----

SURFACE. Do--do--pray--give my best duty and affection--indeed, I cannot
express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him! --certainly
his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune----

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE II. --At SIR PETER'S House

Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT

SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.

MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour----

SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her----

MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again--I shall be glad to see her if it be only for
a moment--for I am sure she must be in great Distress

[exit MAID]

--Dear Heart--how provoking! --I'm not mistress of half the
circumstances! --We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with
the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a
dozen houses.

Enter SIR BENJAMIN

Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose----

SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface----

MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery----

SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure----

MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life! --I am so sorry
for all Parties--indeed,

SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all--he was so
extravagant--partial to Mr. Surface----

MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface! --why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was
detected.

SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant.

MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--Charles is the man--'twas Mr. Surface brought Sir
Peter on purpose to discover them----

SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one----

MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one----

SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it----

MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately--but here comes Lady
Sneerwell--perhaps she knows the whole affair.

Enter LADY SNEERWELL

LADY SNEERWELL. So--my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of our
Friend Teazle----

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it.

LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'--indeed
she was always too lively for me.

MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too--free--but she
was very young----

LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities.

MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed--but have you heard the Particulars?

LADY SNEERWELL. No--but everybody says that Mr. Surface----

SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you--Mr. Surface was the Man.

MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--indeed the assignation was with Charles----

LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles! --You alarm me Mrs. Candour!

MRS. CANDOUR. Yes--yes He was the Lover--Mr. Surface--do him
justice--was only the Informer.

SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour--but be it
which it may--I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not----

MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word of their
Fighting----

LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable!

SIR BENJAMIN. No--what no mention of the Duel----

MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word--

SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord--yes--yes--they fought before they left the Room.

LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear.

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye--do oblige--us with the Duel----

SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'--says Sir Peter--immediately after the Discovery,
'you are a most ungrateful Fellow. '

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles----

SIR BENJAMIN. No, no--to Mr.
Surface--'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old
as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction. '

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely
Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House.

SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all--giving me immediate
satisfaction--on this, Madam--Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such
Danger--ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics--and Charles after her
calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam--they began to fight
with Swords----

Enter CRABTREE

CRABTREE. With Pistols--Nephew--I have it from undoubted authority.

MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true----

CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded----

SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second--quite thro' his left side

CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax----

MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy--on me[! ] Poor Sir Peter----

CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter if he
could----

MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person----

SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter----

CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude----

SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know----

CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak--and insisted on immediate----

SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said----

CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too--A Pair
of Pistols lay on the Bureau--for Mr. Surface--it seems, had come home
the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem
with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton--so unluckily the Pistols were left
Charged----

SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this----

CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired--it seems
pretty nearly together--Charles's shot took Place as I tell you--and Sir
Peter's miss'd--but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against
a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place--grazed out of the
window at a right angle--and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to
the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.

SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must
confess--but I believe mine is the true one for all that.

LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they
imagine--and must have better information. --

[Exit. ]

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for. --

CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here nor
there.

MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present----

CRABTREE. Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House, tho'
the Servants are order'd to deny it----

MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending him----

CRABTREE. Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me----

SIR BENJAMIN. Hey--who comes here----

CRABTREE. Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't.

MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall
know----

Enter SIR OLIVER

CRABTREE. Well, Doctor--what Hopes?

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?

SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----

CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!

SIR OLIVER. Doctor! --a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the
Thorax! --oon's are you mad, good People?

SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.

SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.

CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir, you
must have heard of this accident--

SIR OLIVER. Not a word!

CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?

SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!

SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body----

CRABTREE. Shot in the breast----

SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface----

CRABTREE. Aye the younger.

SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your
accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.

SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.

CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.

SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is
the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking as if nothing at
all was the matter.

Enter SIR PETER

Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we
had just given you over!

SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!

SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?

SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet--

SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or
Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.

SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?

SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not
true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.

SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside. ]

CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry
at all at your years.

SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?

MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's
very much to be pitied.

SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.

SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and
jests you will meet with on the occasion.

SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.

CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.

SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--I insist
on your leaving my house directly!

MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the
best report of you we can.

SIR PETER. Leave my house!

CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.

SIR PETER. Leave my House--

SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.

SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke
them!

SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--

SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day without my
Vexations?

SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive--I come only to tell you, that I
have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.

SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!

ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver--is convinced that your judgment was right
Sir Peter.

SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.

ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.

SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.

ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.

SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's
this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I
expected.

SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer
we praise the better.

ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter--who were never mistaken in your
Life?

SIR PETER. Pshaw--Plague on you both--I see by your sneering you have
heard--the whole affair--I shall go mad among you!

ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter--we are indeed acquainted
with it all--I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled,
that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you--

SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?

SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!

SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen--hey[? ]

SIR OLIVER. Yes yes--and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been
vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant!

SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!

SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!

ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments!