No More Learning

Thraso — You have it. Then he used to take me aside as his only boon companion.
Gnatho — Whew I You are telling of a king of refined
Aye, he is a person of that sort ; a man of but very few acquaintanceships.
Gnatho [aside] — Indeed, of none, I fancy, if he's on inti mate terms with you.
Thraso — All the people envied me, and attacked me pri vately. I didn't care one straw. They envied me dreadfully ; but one in particular, whom the King had appointed over the Indian elephants. Once, when he became particularly trouble some, " Prithee, Strato," said I, " are you so fierce because you hold command over the wild beasts ? "
Gnatho — Cleverly said, upon my faith, and shrewdly. As tounding ! You did give the fellow a home thrust. What said he ?
Thraso — Dumf ounded, instantaneously. Gnatho — How could he be otherwise ?
Parmeno [apart] — Ye Gods, by our trust in you I a lost and miserable fellow the one, and the other a scoundrel.
Thraso — Well then, about that matter, Gnatho, the way in which I touched up the Rhodian at a banquet — did I never
tell you ? — Never; Gnatho
but pray, do tell me. [Aside. ] I've heard it more than a thousand times already.
Thraso — There was in my company at a banquet, this young man of Rhodes, whom I'm speaking of. By chance I had a mistress there ; he began to toy with her, and to annoy me. " What are you doing, sir impudence ? " said I to the fellow ; " a hare yourself, and looking out for game ? "
Gnatho [pretending to laugh very heartily] — Ha, ha, ha ! Thraso — What's the matter ?
Gnatho — How apt, how smart, how clever ; nothing could
be more excellent. Prithee, was this a saying of yours ? I fancied it was an old one.
Thraso — Did you ever hear it before ?
140 BRAGGART AND PARASITE.
Ghnatho — Many a time ; and it is mentioned among the first-rate ones.
Thraso — It's my own.
Ghnatho — I'm sorry though that it was said to a thought less young man, and one of respectability.
Parmeno [apart] — May the Gods confound you !
Gnaiho — Pray, what did he do ?
Thraso — Quite disconcerted. All who were present were
dying with laughter ; in short, they were all quite afraid of me.
Thraso — But hark you, had I best clear myself of this to Thais, as to her suspicion that I'm fond of this girl ?
Gnatho — By no means : on the contrary, rather increase her jealousy. —
Thraso Why so?
Gnatho — Do you ask me ? Don't you see, if on any occa sion she makes mention of Phaedria or commends him, to pro voke you
Gnatho — Not without reason.
Thraso —Iunderstand.
Ghnatho — That such may not be the case, this method is the only remedy. When she speaks of Phaedria, do you instantly mention Pamphila. If at any time she says, " Let's invite Phaedria to make one," do you say, " Let's ask Pamphila to sing. " If she praises his good looks, do you, on the other hand, praise hers. In short, do you return like for like, which will mortify her.
Thraso — If, indeed, she loved me, this might be of some use, Gnatho.
Gnatho — Since she is impatient for and loves that which you give her, she already loves you ; as it is, then, it is an easy matter for her to feel vexed. She will be always afraid lest the presents which she herself is now getting, you may on some occasion be taking elsewhere.
Thraso — Well said ; that never came into my mind.
Gnatho — Nonsense. You never thought about it ; else how much more readily would you yourself have hit upon Thraso
I
it,
BRAGGART AND PARASITE. 141
Scene II.
Enter Thais from her house, attended by Pythias.
TJiais [as she comes out] — I thought I just now heard the Captain's voice. And look, here he is. Welcome, my dear
Thraso. — Thraso
O my Thais, my sweet one, how are you ? How much do you love me in return for that music girl ?
Parmeno [apart] — How polite ! What a beginning he has made on meeting her I
Thais — Very much, as you deserve.
Ghnatho — Let's go to dinner then. [To Thraso. ] What do you stand here for ?
Parmeno [apart] — Then there's the other one ; you would declare that he was born for his belly's sake.
I shan't delay.
Thraso — When you please ;
Parmeno [apart] — I'll accost them, and pretend as though
I had just come out. [He comes forward. ] Are you going anywhere, Thais?
Thais — Ha ! Parmeno ; well done ; just going out for the
day. Parmeno — Where ! —
Thais [aside, pointing at Thraso] him ?
Why I don't you see
Parmeno [aside] — I see him, and I'm sorry for it. [Aloud. ] Phaedria's presents are ready for you when you please.
Thraso [impatiently] — Why are we to stand here ? Why
don't we be off ? —
Troth now, pray, do let us, with your leave, present to her the things we intend, and accost and
speak to her.
Thraso [ironically] — Very fine presents, I suppose, or at
least equal to mine.
Parmeno — The fact will prove itself. [Goes to the door
of Laches' house and calls. ] Ho there ! bid those people come out of doors at once, as I ordered.
Enter from the house a Black Girl.
Parmeno [to Thraso]
Parmeno — Do you step forward this way. She comes all the way from Ethiopia.
[To Thais. ]
142 BRAGGART AND PARASITE.
Thraso [contemptuously] —Here are some three minae in value.
Chuatho — Hardly so much.
Parmeno — Where are you, Dorus ? Step this way.
Enter Chorea from the house dressed like the Eunuch.
Parmeno — There's a eunuch for you — of what a genteel appearance ! of what a prime age !
Thais — God bless me, he's handsome.
Parmeno — What say you, Gnatho ? Do you see anything
to find fault with? And what say you, Thraso?
They hold their tongues ; they praise him sufficiently thereby. [ To Thais. ] Make trial of him in literature, try him in ex ercises and in music ; I'll warrant him well skilled in what it becomes a gentleman to know.
request that you will live for him alone, and that for his own sake others may be excluded ; he neither tells of battles nor shows his scars, nor does he restrict you as [looking at Thraso] a certain person does; but when it is not incon venient, whenever you think fit, whenever you have the time, he is satisfied to be admitted. —
Thraso — If there were no women present, I
Parmeno — And he who has sent these things makes no
[Aside. ]
It appears that this is the servant of some beggarly, wretched master.
Thraso [to Gnatho, contemptuously]
Ghmtho — Why, faith, no person, I'm quite sure of that, could possibly put up with him, who had the means to get another.
Parmeno — You hold your tongue — a fellow whom I con sider beneath all men of the very lowest grade : for when you can bring yourself to flatter that fellow [pointing at Thraso], I do believe you could pick your victuals off the funeral pyre.
Thraso — Are we to go now ?
Thais — I'll take these indoors first [pointing to Chorea and the ^Ethiopian], and at the same time I'll order what I wish ; after that I'll return immediately.
[Goes into the house with Pythias, Chorea, and the Slave.
Thraso [to Gnatho] — I shall be off. Do you wait for her.
at home. — Chnatho
Very well.
Act IV. — Scene VIII.
[Exit.
BRAGGART AND PARASITE. 143
Parmeno — It is not a proper thing for a general to be walking in the street with a mistress.
Thraso — Why should I use many words with you? You are the very ape of your master. [Exit Parmeno.
Chnatho [laughing] — Ha, ha, ha !
Thraso — What are you laughing at?
Chnatho —At what you were mentioning just now; that
saying, too, about the Rhodian, recurred to my mind. But Thais is coming out.
Thraso — You go before ; take care that everything is ready
Enter Thraso, followed by Gnatho, Sanga, and other Attendants.
Thraso — Am I to submit, Gnatho, to such a glaring affront as this being put upon me ? I'd die sooner. Simalio, Donax, Syriscus, follow me ! First, I'll storm the house.
Chnatho — Quite right.
Thraso — I'll carry off the girl.
Ghnatho — Very good.
Thraso — I'll give her own self a mauling. Gnatho — Very proper. —
Thraso [arranging the men]
Advance hither to the main body, Donax, with your crowbar ; you, Simalio, to the left
wing ; you, Syriscus, to the right. Bring up the rest ; where's the centurion Sanga, and his maniple of rogues ?
Sanga [coming forward] — See, here he is.
Thraso — What, you booby, do you think of fighting with
a dishclout, to be bringing that here ?
Sanga — What, I ? I knew the valor of the general, and
the prowess of the soldiers ; and that this could not possibly go on without bloodshed ; how was I to wipe the wounds ?
Thraso — Where are the others ?
Sanga — Plague on you, what others ? Sannio is the only one left on guard at home. —
Thraso [to Gnatho] Do you draw up your men in battle order ; I'll be behind the second rank ; from that posi tion I'll give the word to all.
[ Takes his place behind the second rank.
144 BRAGGART AND PARASITE.
Ghnatho [aside] — That's showing prudence ; as soon as he has drawn them up, he secures a retreat for himself.
Thraso [pointing to the arrangements] —This is just the way Pyrrhus used to proceed.
Chbemes and Thais appear above at a window.
Chremes — Do you see, Thais, what plan he is upon ? Assuredly, that advice of mine about closing the door was
good. — Thais
He who now seems to you to be a hero, is in reality a mere vaporer ; don't be alarmed.
Thraso [to Gnatho] — What seems best to you ?
Ghnatho — I could very much like a sling to be given you just now, that you might pelt them from here on the sly at a distance ; they would be taking to flight.
Thraso [to Gnatho] — But look [pointing], I see Thais there herself.
Gnatho — How soon are we to fall to ?
Thraso — Hold [holding him back] ; it behooves a prudent person to make trial of everything before arms. How do you know but that she may do what I bid her without compulsion?
Gnatho — Ye Gods, by our trust in you, what a thing it is
to be wise I you the wiser.
I never come near you but what I
go away
from
Thraso —Thais, in the first place, answer me this. When I presented you that girl, did you not say that you would give yourself up to me alone for some days to come ?
Thraso — Do you ask the question ? You, who have been and brought your lover under my very eyes ? What business had you with him ? With him, too, you clandestinely betook yourself away from me.
Thraso —Then give me back Pamphila ; unless you had rather she were taken away by force.
Thais — Well, what then ?
Thais — I chose to do so.
Chremes — Give her back to you, or you lay hands upon her? Of all the
Gnatho — Ha ! What are you about ? Hold your tongue.
Thraso — What do you mean ? Am I not to touch my own?
Chremes — Your own, indeed, you gallows bird !
BRAGGART AND PARASITE.
145
Gnatho [to Chremes] — Have a care, if you please. You don't know what kind of man you are abusing now.
Chremes [to Gnatho] — Won't you be off from here ? Do you know how matters stand with you ? If you cause any disturbance here to-day, I'll make you remember the place and day, and me too, for the rest of your life.
Gnatho — I pity you, who are making so great a man as this your enemy.
Chremes — I'll break your head this instant if you are not off. Ghnatho — Do you really say so, puppy ? Is it that you are at ? Thraso [to Chremes] — What fellow are you ? What do
you mean ? What business have you with her ?
Chremes — I'll let you know : that she is a freeborn woman.
in the first place, I assert
Thraso [starting] — Ha I
Chremes — A citizen of Attica.
Thraso — Whew I
Chremes — My own sister.
Thraso —Brazen face !
Chremes — Now, therefore, Captain, I give you warning ;
don't you use any violence towards her. Thais, I'm going to Sophrona, the nurse, that I may bring her here and show her these tokens.
Thraso — What !
Are you to prevent me from touching what's my own ?
Chremes — I will prevent it, I tell you.
Gnatho [to Thraso] — Do you hear him ? He is con victing himself of theft. Is not that enough for you?
Thraso — Do you say the same, Thais ? Thais — Go, find some one to answer you.
[She and Chremes go away from the window.
Thraso [to Gnatho] — What are we to do now ?
Gnatho — Why, go back again : she'll soon be with you of her own accord, to entreat forgiveness.
Thraso — Do you think so ?
Gnatho — Certainly, yes. I know the disposition of women : when you will they won't ; when you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination .
vOl. v. — 10
Thraso — You judge right.
Gnatho — Shall I dismiss the army then ? Thraso — Whenever you like.
146 BRAGGART AND PARASITE.
Gnatho — Sanga, as befits gallant soldiers, take care in your turn to remember your homes and hearths.
Sanga — My thoughts have been for some time among the saucepans. —
Gnatho You are a worthy fellow. —
Thraso [putting himself at their head] this way.
Act V. — Scene VIII. Enter Thraso and Gnatho.
You follow me [Exeunt omnes.
Chnatho [to Thraso] — Well now? With what hope, or what design, are we come hither? What do you intend to do, Thraso?
Thraso — What, I ? To surrender myself to Thais, and do what she bids me.
Gnatho — What is it you say?
Thraso —Why any the less so, than Hercules served Omphale.
Gnatho —The precedent pleases me. [Aside. ] I only wish I may see your head stroked down with a slipper; but her door makes a noise.
Thraso — Confusion ! Why, what mischief's this? I never saw this person before ; why, I wonder, is he rushing out in
such a hurry?
[They stand aside.
Scene IX.
Enter Chorea from the house of Thais, on the other side of the stage.
Chmrea [to himself, aloud] — O fellow townsmen, is there any one alive more fortunate than me this day? Not any one, upon my faith : for clearly in me have the Gods mani fested all their power, on whom, thus suddenly, so many blessings are bestowed.
Parmeno [apart] — Why is he thus overjoyed ?
Chatrea [seeing Parmeno, and running up to him] — O my dear Parmeno, the contriver, the beginner, the perfecter of all my delights, do you know what are my transports? Are you aware that my Pamphila has been discovered to be a
citizen ?
BRAGGART AND PARASITE. 147
Parmeno — I have heard so.
Cheered — Do you know that she is betrothed to me?
Parmeno — So may the Gods bless me, happily done.
Gnatho [apart to Thraso] — Do you hear what he says ? Chcerea —And then, besides, I am delighted that my
brother's mistress is secured to him ; the family is united. Thais has committed herself to the patronage of my father; she has put herself under our care and protection.
Parmeno — Thais, then, is wholly your brother's. Chcerea — Of course.
Parmeno — Then this is another reason for us to rejoice, that the Captain will be beaten out of doors.
Chcerea —Wherever my brother is, do you take care that he hears this as soon as possible.
Parmeno — I'll go look for him at home.
[Goes into the house of Laches.
Thraso [apart to Gnatho] — Do you at all doubt, Gnatho, but that I am now ruined everlastingly ?
Chnatho [to Thraso] — Without doubt, I do think so.
Chcerea [to himself] — What am I to make mention of first, or commend in especial ? Him who gave me the advice to do so, or myself, who ventured to undertake it ? Or ought I to extol fortune, who has been my guide, and has so opportunely crowded into a single day events so numerous, so important ; or my father's kindness and indulgence? O Jupiter, I en treat you, do preserve these blessings unto us !
Scene X.
Enter Phcedria from the house of Laches.
Phcedria [to himself] — Ye Gods, by our trust in you, what incredible things has Parmeno just related to me ! But where
is my brother ? —
Chairea [stepping forward] Phcedria — I'm overjoyed.
Here he is.
Chcerea — I quite believe you. There is no one, brother, more worthy to be loved than this Thais of yours : so much is she a benefactress to all our family.
Phcedria — Whew ! are you commending her too to me ? Thraso [apart] — I'm undone ; the less the hope I have, the more I am in love. Prithee, Gnatho, my hope is in you.
148 BRAGGART AND PARASITE.
Gnatho [apart] — What do you wish me to do ?
Thraso [apart] —Bring this about, by entreaties or with money, that I may at least share Thais' favors in some
degree. Ghnatho
[apart] — Is it so ? [apart] — It shall be so.
—
It's a hard task.
[apart] — If you set your mind on anything, I know
[apart]
Thraso
you well. If you manage this, ask me for any present you like as your reward ; you shall have what you ask.
Gnatho Thraso Ghnatho
[apart] — If I manage this, I ask that your house, whether you are present or absent, may be open to me ; that, without invitation, there may always be a place for me.
Thraso [apart] — I pledge my honor that it shall be so. Gnatho [apart] — I'll set about it then.
Phcedria — Who is it I hear so close at hand? [Turning
round. ] O Thraso — Thraso [coming forward]
Save you both
Phcedria — Perhaps you are not aware what has taken place
here.
Thraso — I am quite aware.
Phoedria — Why, then, do I see you in this neighborhood ? Thraso — Depending on your kindness.
Phcedria — Do you know what sort of dependence you have ? Captain, I give you notice, if ever I catch you in this street again, even if you should say to me, " I was look ing for another person, I was on my road this way," you are undone.
Gnatho — Come, come, that's not handsome. Phcedria — I've said it.
Gnatho — I didn't know you gave yourself such airs. Phcedria — So it shall be.
Gnatho — First hear a few words from me ; and when I have said the thing, if you approve of do it.
Phcedria — Let's hear.
Gnatho — Do you step little that way, Thraso.
stands aside. In the first place, wish you both implicitly to believe me in this, that whatever do in this matter,
do entirely for my own sake but the same thing of
advantage
do it. —
Phcedria
What
to yourselves, would be folly for you not to
[Thraso
is
it ?
a
it
it
]
;
I
it, if I
is
I
BRAGGART AND PARASITE. 149
Gnatho — I'm of opinion that the Captain, your rival, should be received among you. —
Phcedria [starting] Hah !
Chcerea — Be received ? —
Gnatho [to Phjsdria] Only consider, i' faith, Phaedria,
at the free rate you are living with her, and indeed very freely you are living, you have but little to give ; and it's necessary for Thais to receive a good deal. That all this may be sup plied for your amour and not at your own expense, there is not an individual better suited or more fitted for your purpose than the Captain. In the first place, he both has got enough to give and no one does give more profusely. He is a fool, a dolt, a blockhead ; night and day he snores away ; and you need not fear that the lady will fall in love with him ; you may easily have him discarded whenever you please.
Chcerea [to Phcedria] — What shall we do ?
Gnatho — And this besides, which I deem to be of even greater importance, — not a single person entertains in better style or more bountifully.
Chcerea — It's a wonder if this sort of man cannot be made use of in some way or other.
Phcedria — I think so too.
Gnatho — You act properly. One thing I have still to beg
of you, — that you'll receive me into your fraternity ; I've been rolling that stone for a considerable time past.
Phcedria — We admit you.
Chcerea — And with all my heart.
Gnatho —Then I, in return for this, Phaedria, and you,
Chaerea, make him over to you to be eaten and drunk to the
dregs. — Chcerea
Agreed.
Phcedria — He quite deserves it.
Gnatho [calling to Thraso] — Thraso, whenever you please, step this way.
Thraso — Prithee, how goes it ?
Gnatho — How ? Why, these people didn't know you ; after I had discovered to them your qualities, and had praised you as your actions and your virtues deserved, I prevailed upon
them. — I give you my best
- Thraso You have managed well ;
thanks. Besides, I never was anywhere but what all were extremely fond of me.
150 THE SELF-TORMENTOR.
Gnatho [to Ph^edria and Chorea] — Didn't I tell you that he was a master of the Attic elegance ?
Phcedria — He is no other than you mentioned.
to his Father's house. ] Walk this way. [To the Audience. ] Fare you well, and grant us your applause.
THE SELF-TORMENTOR. By TERENCE.
(From "Heautontimorumenos. ")
Act I. — Scene I.
Enter Chremes, and Menedemus with a spade in his hand, who falls to digging.
Chremes — Although this acquaintanceship between us is of very recent date, from the time in fact of your purchasing an estate here in the neighborhood, yet either your good qualities, or our being neighbors (which I take to be a sort of friend ship), induces me to inform you, frankly and familiarly, that you appear to me to labor beyond your years, and beyond what your affairs require. For, in the name of Gods and men, what would you have ? What can be your aim ? You are, as I conjecture, sixty years of age, or more. No man in these parts has a better or a more valuable estate, no one more servants ; and yet you discharge their duties just as diligently as if there were none at all. However early in the morning I go out, and however late in the evening I return home, I see you either digging, or plowing, or doing something, in fact, in the fields. You take respite not an instant, and are quite
of yourself. I am very sure that this is not done for your amusement. But really I am vexed how little work is done here. If you were to employ the time you spend in laboring yourself, in keeping your servants at work, you would profit much more.
regardless
Menedemus — Have you so much leisure, Chremes, from your own affairs, that you can attend to those of others — those which don't concern you ?
[Pointing
THE SELF-TORMENTOR. 151
Chremes — I am a man; there is nothing human that I think no concern of mine. Suppose I wish either to advise you in this matter, or to be informed myself : if what you do is right, that I may do the same ; if it is not, then that I may dissuade you. —
Menedemus It's requisite for me to do so ; do you as it is necessary for you to do.
Chremes — Is it requisite for any person to torment him self?
Menedemus — It is for me.
Chremes — If you have any affliction, I could wish it other
wise. But prithee, what sorrow is this of yours ? How have you deserved so ill of yourself ?
Menedemus — Alas ! alas ! [He begins to weep. Chremes — Do not weep, but make me acquainted with it, whatever it is. Do not be reserved ; fear nothing ; trust me, I tell you. Either by consolation, or by counsel, or by any
means, I will aid you.
Menedemus — Do you wish to know this matter ?
Chremes — Yes, and for the reason I mentioned to you. Menedemus — I will tell you.
Chremes — But still, in the meantime, lay down that rake ; don't fatigue yourself.
Menedemus — By no means.
Chremes — What can be your object ?
[Tries to take the rake from him. Menedemus — Do leave me alone, that I may give myself
no respite from my labor.
Chremes — I will not allow tell you.
Menedemus Chremes
tain. Chremes — Why so
Menedemus —You shall know: There a poor old
woman here, stranger from Corinth her daughter, young
as this, pray Menedemus
[poising the rake'] — Whew such heavy one
— [Taking the rake from him. Ah that's not fair.
—
Such are my deserts.
Chremes — Now speak. [Laying down the rake.
Menedemus — have an only son, — young man, — alas! whydid say—"Ihave"—rather shouldsay,"had" one, Chremes whether have him now, or not, uncer
a:
I
:
Ia
!
a
?
?
is
is I
a
I
I
!
!
it, I
152 THE SELF-TORMENTOR.
woman, he fell in lore with, insomuch that he almost regarded her as his wife ; all this took place unknown to me. When I discovered the matter, I began to reprove him, not with gentle ness, nor in the way suited to the lovesick mind of a youth, but with violence, and after the usual method of fathers. I was daily reproaching him, — " Look you, do you expect to be allowed any longer to act thus, myself, your father, being alive ; to be keeping a mistress pretty much as though your wife ? You are mistaken, Clinia, and you don't know me, if you fancy that. I am willing that you should be called my son, just as long as you do what becomes you ; but if you do not do so, I shall find out how it becomes me to act towards you. This arises from nothing, in fact, but too much idleness. At your time of life, I did not devote my time to dalliance, but, in consequence of my poverty, departed hence for Asia, and there acquired in arms both riches and military glory.