No More Learning

_Au. _ Why don't you teach him better Manners?

_Ch. _ He is too old to learn. It is a hard matter to mend the Manners of
an old Sinner. An old Dog won't be easily brought to wear the Collar.
He's well enough for me. Like Master like Man.


* * * * *

_If I knew what you lik'd, I would help you. _

_Au. _ I would cut you a Slice, if I knew what would please you. I would
help you, if I knew your Palate. I would help you, if I knew what you
lik'd best. If I knew the Disposition of your Palate, I would be your
Carver. Indeed my Palate is like my Judgment.

_Ch. _ You have a very nice Palate. No Body has a nicer Palate than you
have. I don't think you come behind him of whose exquisite Skill the
Satyrist says,

_Ostrea callebat primo deprendere morsu,
Et semel aspecti dicebat littus echini. _

_Au. _ And you, my _Christian_, that I may return the Compliment, seem to
have been Scholar to _Epicurus_, or brought up in the _Catian_ School.
For what's more delicate or nice than your Palate?

_Ch. _ If I understood Oratory so well as I do Cookery, I'd challenge
_Cicero_ himself.

_Au. _ Indeed if I must be without one, I had rather want Oratory than
Cookery.

_Ch. _ I am entirely of your Mind, you judge gravely, wisely, and truly.
For what is the Prattle of Orators good for, but to tickle idle Ears
with a vain Pleasure? But Cookery feeds and repairs the Palate, the
Belly, and the whole Man, let him be as big as he will. _Cicero_ says,
_Concedat laurea lingæ_; but both of them must give place to Cookery. I
never very well liked those _Stoicks_, who referring all things to their
(I can't tell what) _honestum_, thought we ought to have no regard to
our Persons and our Palates. _Aristippus_ was wiser than _Diogenes_
beyond Expression in my Opinion.

_Au. _ I despise the _Stoicks_ with all their Fasts. But I praise and
approve _Epicurus_ more than that _Cynic Diogenes_, who lived upon raw
Herbs and Water; and therefore I don't wonder that _Alexander_, that
fortunate King, had rather be _Alexander_ than _Diogenes_.

_Ch. _ Nor indeed would I myself, who am but an ordinary Man, change my
Philosophy for _Diogenes_'s; and I believe your _Catius_ would refuse
to do it too. The Philosophers of our Time are wiser, who are content to
dispute like _Stoicks_, but in living out-do even _Epicurus_ himself.
And yet for all that, I look upon Philosophy to be one of the most
excellent Things in Nature, if used moderately. I don't approve of
philosophising too much, for it is a very jejune, barren, and melancholy
Thing. When I fall into any Calamity or Sickness, then I betake myself
to Philosophy, as to a Physician; but when I am well again, I bid it
farewell.

_Au. _ I like your Method. You do philosophize very well. Your humble
Servant, Mr. Philosopher; not of the _Stoick_ School, but the Kitchen.

_Ch. _ What is the Matter with you, _Erasmus_, that you are so
melancholy? What makes you look so frowningly? What makes you so silent?
Are you angry with me because I have entertained you with such a slender
Supper?

_Er. _ Nay, I am angry with you that you have put your self to so much
Charge upon my Account. _Austin_ laid a strict Charge upon you that you
would provide nothing extraordinary upon his Account. I believe you have
a Mind we should never come to see you again; for they give such a
Supper as this that intended to make but one. What sort of Guests did
you expect? You seem to have provided not for Friends, but for Princes.
Do you think we are Gluttons? This is not to entertain one with a
Supper, but victualling one for three Days together.

_Ch. _ You will be ill-humour'd. Dispute about that Matter to-Morrow;
pray be good humour'd to-Day. We'll talk about the Charge to-Morrow; I
have no Mind to hear any Thing but what is merry at this time.

_Au. Christian_, whether had you rather have, Beef or Mutton?

_Ch. _ I like Beef best, but I think Mutton is the most wholsome. It is
the Disposition of Mankind to be most desirous of those Things that are
the most hurtful.

_Au. _ The _French_ are wonderful Admirers of Pork.

_Ch. _ The _French_ love that most that costs least.

_Au. _ I am a Jew in this one Thing, there is nothing I hate so much as
Swine's Flesh.

_Ch. _ Nor without Reason, for what is more unwholsome? In this I am not
of the _French_ Man's but of the _Jew's_ Mind.

_Er. _ But I love both Mutton and Pork, but for a different Reason; for I
eat freely of Mutton, because I love it; but Hogs Flesh I don't touch,
by Reason of Love, that I may not give Offence.

_Ch. _ You are a clever Man, _Erasmus_, and a very merry one too. Indeed
I am apt to admire from whence it comes to pass that there is such a
great Diversity in Mens Palates, for if I may make use of this Verse of
_Horace_,

Tres mihi convivæ propè dissentire videntur,
Poscentes vario multùm diversa palato.

_Er. _ Although as the Comedian says, _So many Men, so many Minds_, and
every Man has his own Way; yet no Body can make me believe, there is
more Variety in Mens Dispositions, than there is in their Palates: So
that you can scarce find two that love the same Things. I have seen a
great many, that can't bear so much as the Smell of Butter and Cheese:
Some loath Flesh; one will not eat roast Meat, and another won't eat
boil'd. There are many that prefer Water before Wine. And more than
this, which you'll hardly believe; I have seen a Man who would neither
eat Bread, nor drink Wine.

_Ch. _ What did that poor Man live on?

_Er. _ There was nothing else but what he could eat; Meat, Fish, Herbs
and Fruit.

_Ch. _ Would you have me believe you?

_Er. _ Yes, if you will.

_Ch. _ I will believe you; but upon this Condition, that you shall
believe me when I tell a Lye.

_Er. _ Well, I will do it, so that you lye modestly.

_Ch. _ As if any Thing could be more impudent than your Lye.

_Er. _ What would your Confidence say, if I should shew you the Man?

_Ch. _ He must needs be a starveling Fellow, a meer Shadow.

_Er. _ You'd say he was a Champion.

_Ch. _ Nay, rather a _Polyphemus_.

_Er. _ I wonder this should seem so strange to you, when there are a
great many that eat dry'd Fish instead of Bread: And some that the Roots
of Herbs serve for the same Use that Bread does us.

_Ch. _ I believe you; lye on.

_Er. _ I remember, I saw a Man when I was in _Italy_, that grew fat with
Sleep, without the Assistance either of Meat or Drink.

_Ch. _ Fie for Shame; I can't forbear making Use of that Expression of
the Satyrist,

Tunc immensa cavi spirant mendacia folles.

Thou poeticisest. You play the Part of a Poet. I am loath to give you
the Lye.

_Er. _ I am the greatest Lyar in the World, if _Pliny_, an Author of
undoubted Credit, has not written, that a Bear in fourteen Days Time
will grow wonderfully fat with nothing but Sleep: And that he will sleep
so sound, that you can scarce wake him, by wounding him: Nay, to make
you admire the more, I will add what _Theophrastus_ writes, that during
that Time, if the Flesh of the Bear be boil'd, and kept some Time, it
will come to Life again.

_Ch. _ I am afraid that _Parmeno_ in _Terence_ will hardly be able to
comprehend these Things. I believe it readily. I would help you to some
Venison, if I were well enough accomplished.

_Er. _ Where have you any Hunting now? How came you by Venison?

_Ch. _ _Midas_, the most generous spirited Man living, and a very good
Friend of mine, sent it me for a Present; but so, that I oftentimes buy
it for less.

_Er. _ How so?

_Ch. _ Because I am obliged to give more to his Servants, than I could
buy it for in the Market.

_Er. _ Who obliges you to that?

_Ch. _ The most violent Tyrant in the World.

_Er. _ Who is he?

_Ch. _ Custom.

_Er. _ Indeed, that Tyrant does frequently impose the most unjust Laws
upon Mankind.

_Ch. _ The same Tyrant hunted this Stag, but the Day before Yesterday.
What did you do, who used to be a very great Lover of that Sport?

_Au. _ Indeed I have left off that Sport, and now I hunt after nothing
but Learning.

_Ch. _ In my Opinion, Learning is fleeter than any Stag.

_Au. _ But I hunt chiefly with two Dogs, that is to say, with Love and
Industry: For Love affords a great Deal of Eagerness to learn, and as
the most elegant Poet says,

----_Labor improbus omnia vincit. _

_Ch. Austin_, you admonish after a friendly Manner, as you use to do;
and therefore, I won't give over, nor rest, nor tire, till I attain.

_Au. _ Venison is now in the Prime. _Pliny_ tells us a very admirable
Story concerning this Animal.

_Ch. _ What is it, I pray you?

_Au. _ That as often as they prick up their Ears, they are very quick of
Hearing; but on the contrary, when they let them down, they are deaf.

_Ch. _ That very often happens to myself; for if I happen to hear a Word
spoken of receiving Guineas, there is no Body quicker of Hearing than I;
for then with _Pamphilus_ in _Terence_, I prick up my Ears; but when
there is any Mention made of paying them away, I let them down, and am
presently hard of Hearing.

_Au. _ Well, I commend you; you do as you should do.

_Ch. _ Would you have some of the Leg of this Hare?

_Au. _ Take it yourself.

_Ch. _ Or had you rather have some of the Back?

_Au. _ This Creature has nothing good but its Flank and hind Legs.

_Ch. _ Did you ever see a white Hare?

_Au. _ Oftentimes. _Pliny_ writes, that on the _Alps_ there are white
Hares; and that it is believed in the Winter Time they feed upon Snow:
Whether it be true or no, let _Pliny_ see to that: For if Snow makes a
Hare's Skin white, it must make his Stomach white too.

_Ch. _ I don't know but it may be true.

_Au. _ I have something for you that is stranger than that; but it may be
you have heard of it. The same Man testifies that there is the same
Nature in all of them; that is, of Males and Females, and that the
Females do as commonly breed without the Use of the Male, as with it.
And many Persons assert the same, and especially your skilful Hunters.

_Ch. _ You say right; but if you please, let us try these Rabbets, for
they are fat and tender. I would help that pretty Lady if I sat nigher
to her. _Austin_, pray take Care of that Lady that sits by you, for you
know how to please the fair Sex.

_Au. _ I know what you mean, you Joker.

_Ch. _ Do you love Goose?

_Au. _ Ay, I love 'em mightily, and I an't very nice. I don't know what's
the Matter, but this Goose don't please me; I never saw any Thing dryer
in all my Life; it is dryer than a Pumice-Stone, or _Furius_'s Mother in
Law, upon whom _Catullus_ breaks so many Jests. I believe it is made of
Wood; And in Troth I believe 'tis an old Soldier, that has worn itself
out with being upon the Guard. They say a Goose is the most wakeful
Creature living.
In Truth, if I am not out in my Guess, this Goose was
one of them, who when the Watch and their Dogs were fast asleep, in old
Time defended the _Roman_ Capitol.

_Ch. _ As I hope to live I believe it was, for I believe it liv'd in that
Age.

_Au. _ And this Hen was either half starv'd, or else was in love, or was
jealous; for this Sort of Creatures are much troubled with that
Distemper. This Capon fatten'd much better; see what Cares will do. If
we were to geld our _Theodoricus_, he would grow fat much the sooner.

_Th. _ I an't a Cock.

_Au. _ I confess you are not _Gallus Cybeles_, nor a Dunghil-Cock; but it
may be you are _Gallus Gallaceus_.

_Ch. _ What Word is that?

_Au. _ I leave that Word to be unriddled by you: I am _Sphinx_, and you
shall be _Oedipus_.

_Ch. Austin_, tell me truly, have you had no Conversation with _French_
Men, have you had no Affinity with them? Had you nothing to do with
them?

_Au. _ None at all, indeed.

_Ch. _ Then you are so much the worse.

_Au. _ But perhaps I have had to do with _French_ Women.

_Ch. _ Will you have any of this Goose's Liver? This was look'd upon as a
great Delicacy by the Ancients.

_Au. _ I will refuse nothing that comes from your Hand.

_Ch. _ You must not expect _Roman_ Dainties.

_Au. _ What are they?

_Ch. _ Thistles, Cockles, Tortoises, Conger-Eels, Mushrooms, Truffles,
etc.

_Au. _ I had rather have a Turnip than any of them. You are liberal and
bountiful, _Christian_.

_Ch. _ No Body touches these Partridges nor the Pigeons, to-Morrow is a
Fast-Day appointed by the Church; prepare against that Hunger; Ballast
your Ship against the impending Storm. War is a coming, furnish your
Belly with Provision.

_Au. _ I wish you had kept that Word in, we should have risen from Supper
more merrily. You torment us before the Time.

_Ch. _ Why so?

_Au. _ Because I hate Fish worse than I do a Snake.

_Ch. _ You are not alone.

_Au. _ Who brought in this troublesome Custom?

_Ch. _ Who order'd you to take Aloes, Wormwood and Scammony in Physick?

_Au. _ But these Things are given to Folks that are sick.

_Ch. _ So these Things are given to them that are too well. It is better
sometimes to be sick, than to be too well.

_Au. _ In my Opinion the _Jews_ themselves did not labour under such a
Burden. Indeed I could easily refrain from Eels and Swines Flesh, if I
might fill my Belly with Capons and Partridges.

_Ch. _ In a great many Circumstances it is not the Thing, but the Mind
that distinguishes us from _Jews_; they held their Hands from certain
Meats, as from unclean Things, that would pollute the Mind; but we,
understanding that _to the Pure, all Things are pure_, yet take away
Food from the wanton Flesh, as we do Hay from a pamper'd Horse, that it
may be more ready to hearken to the Spirit. We sometimes chastise the
immoderate Use of pleasant Things, by the Pain of Abstinence.

_Au. _ I hear you; but by the same Argument, Circumcision of the Flesh
may be defended; for that moderates the Itch of Coition, and brings
Pain. If all hated Fish as bad as I do, I would scarce put a Parricide
to so much Torture.

_Ch. _ Some Palates are better pleas'd with Fish than Flesh.

_Au. _ Then they like those Things that please their Gluttony, but don't
make for their Health.

_Ch. _ I have heard of some of the _Æsops_ and _Apitius_'s, that have
look'd upon Fish as the greatest Delicacy.

_Au. _ How then do Dainties agree with Punishment?

_Ch. _ Every Body han't Lampreys, Scares, and Sturgeons.

_Au. _ Then it is only the poor Folks that are tormented, with whom it is
bad enough, if they were permitted to eat Flesh; and it often happens,
that when they may eat Flesh for the Church, they can't for their Purse.

_Ch. _ Indeed, a very hard Injunction!

_Au. _ And if the Prohibition of Flesh be turned to delicious Living to
the Rich; and if the Poor can't eat Flesh many Times, when otherwise
they might, nor can't eat Fish, because they are commonly the dearer; to
whom does the Injunction do good?

_Ch. _ To all; for poor Folks may eat Cockles or Frogs, or may gnaw upon
Onions or Leeks. The middle Sort of People will make some Abatement in
their usual Provision; and though the Rich do make it an Occasion of
living deliciously, they ought to impute that to their Gluttony, and not
blame the Constitution of the Church.

_Au. _ You have said very well; but for all that, to require Abstinence
from Flesh of poor Folks, who feed their Families by the Sweat of their
Brows, and live a great Way from Rivers and Lakes, is the same Thing as
to command a Famine, or rather a _Bulimia_. And if we believe _Homer_,
it is the miserablest Death in the World to be starv'd to Death.

_Ch. _ So it seem'd to blind _Homer_; but with _Christians_, he is not
miserable that dies well.

_Au. _ Let that be so; yet it is a very hard Thing to require any Body to
die.

_Ch. _ The Popes don't prohibit the eating of Flesh with that Design, to
kill Men, but that they may be moderately afflicted if they have
transgress'd; or that taking away their pleasant Food, their Bodies may
be less fierce against the Spirit.

_Au. _ The moderate Use of Flesh would effect that.

_Ch. _ But in so great a Variety of Bodies certain Bounds of Flesh can't
be prescrib'd, a Kind of Food may.

_Au. _ There are Fishes that yield much Aliment, and there are Sorts of
Flesh that yield but little.

_Ch. _ But in general Flesh is most nourishing.

_Au. _ Pray tell me, if you were to go a Journey any whither, would you
chuse a lively Horse that was a little wanton, or a diseased Horse, who
would often stumble and throw his Rider?

_Ch. _ What do you mean by that?

_Au. _ Because Fish-eating, by its corrupt Humours, renders the Body
liable to a great many Diseases, that it can't subserve the Spirit as it
should do.

_Ch. _ To what Diseases?

_Au. _ Gouts, Fevers, Leprosies, the King's-Evil.

_Ch. _ How do you know?

_Au. _ I believe Physicians. I had rather do so than try the Experiment.

_Ch. _ Perhaps that happens to a few.

_Au. _ Indeed I believe to a great many; besides, in as much as the Mind
acts by the material Organs of the Body, which are affected with good or
bad Humours, the Instruments being vitiated, it can't exert its Power as
it would.

_Ch. _ I know Doctors do very much find Fault with the eating of Fish;
but our Ancestors thought otherwise, and it is our Duty to obey them.

_Au. _ It was a Piece of Religion formerly not to break the Sabbath; but
for all that, it was more eligible to save a Man on the Sabbath-Day.

_Ch. _ Every one consults his own Health.

_Au. _ If we will obey St. _Paul, Let no Body mind his own Things, but
every one the Things of another_.

_Ch. _ How come we by this new Divine at our Table? Whence comes this new
upstart Master of ours?

_Au. _ Because I don't like Fishes.

_Ch. _ What, then won't you abstain from Flesh?

_Au. _ I do abstain, but grumblingly, and to my great Detriment too.

_Ch. Charity suffers all Things. _

_Au. _ It is true; but then the same requires but little. If it suffers
all Things, why won't it suffer us to eat those Meats the Gospel has
given us a Liberty to eat? Why do those Persons, from whom Christ has so
often required the Love of himself, suffer so many Bodies of Men to be
endanger'd by capital Diseases, and their Souls to be in Danger of
eternal Damnation, because of a Thing neither forbidden by _Christ_, nor
necessary in itself?

_Ch. _ When Necessity requires it, the Force of a human Constitution
ceases, and the Will of the Lawgiver ceases.

_Au. _ But the Offence of the Weak does not cease. The Scruple of a
tender Conscience does not cease. And lastly, it is uncertain with what
Limits that Necessity shall be bounded; shall it be when the Fish-eater
shall be a giving up the Ghost? It is too late to give Flesh to a Man
when he is dying; or shall it be when his Body becomes all feverish?
The Choice of Meats is not of so much Consequence.

_Ch. _ What would you have prescrib'd then?

_Au. _ I can tell well enough, if I might be allow'd to be a Dictator in
Ecclesiastical Affairs.

_Ch. _ What do you mean by that?

_Au. _ If I were Pope I would exhort all Persons to a perpetual Sobriety
of Life, but especially before an holy-Day; and moreover, I would give
every one leave to eat what he would, for the Health of his Body, so he
did it moderately, and with Thanksgiving; and I would endeavour that
what was abated of these Observations should be made up in the Study of
true Piety.

_Ch. _ That in my Opinion is of so great Weight, that we ought to make
you Pope.

_Au. _ For all your laughing, this Neck could bear a triple Crown.

_Ch. _ But in the mean Time take Care that these Things be not enter'd
down in the _Sorbon_ at _Paris_.

_Au. _ Nay, rather let what is said be written in Wine, as it is fit
those Things should that are said over our Cups; but we have had
Divinity enough for a Feast We are at Supper, not at the _Sorbon_.

_Ch. _ Why mayn't that be call'd _Sorbon_ where we sup plentifully?

_Au. _ Well, let us sup then, and not dispute, lest the _Sorbon_ be
called after us from _Sorbis_, and not from _Sorbendo_.

_CHRISTIAN, GUESTS, MIDAS, ERASMUS, the BOY, AUSTIN. _

_Ch. _ Well, come my kind Guests, I pray you that you would take this
little Supper in good Part, though it be but a slender one. Be merry and
good humour'd, though the Supper be but mean and slender. I, relying
upon your Familiarity, made bold to invite you; and I will assure you,
your Company and Presence is not only very grateful to me, but very
pleasant.

_Gu. _ We do assure you, good _Christian_, that we esteem your Supper to
have been very pretty and noble; and we have nothing to find Fault with,
but that you make Excuses for it, for that it was very magnificent; for
indeed I look upon the Entertainment to be splendid to the greatest
degree, that in the first Place consisted of Courses agreeable to
Nature, and was season'd with Mirth, Laughter, Jokes and Witticisms,
none of which have been wanting in our Entertainment. But here is
something comes into my Mind, as to the Number of the Guests, which
_Varro_ writes, _should not be fewer than three, nor more than nine_.
For the _Graces_, who are the Presidents of Humanity and Benevolence,
are three; and the _Muses_, that are the Guides of commendable Studies,
are nine; and I see here we have ten Guests besides the Virgins.

_Au. _ Nothing could happen more agreeably; we are in that something
wiser than _Varro_, for we have gotten here three pretty Maids for the
three _Graces_; and as it is not to be thought that _Apollo_ is ever
absent from the Chorus of the _Muses_, we have very much _à propos_
added the tenth Guest.

_Ch. _ You have spoken very much like a Poet. If I had a Laurel here I
would crown you with it, and you should be Poet Laureat.

_Au. _ If I were crown'd with Mallows, I should be Poet _Maleat_; I do
not arrogate that Honour to myself. This is an Honour that I don't
deserve.

------_Haud equidem tali me dignor honore. _

_Ch. _ Will you, every one of you, do as much for me as I will do for
you?

_Gu. _ Ay, that we will with all our Hearts.

_Ch. _ Then let every one drink off his Cup round as I do. Here's to you
first, _Midas_.

_Mi.