No More Learning

JUST DISCOURSE. I should certainly have to be silent then.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Well then, reply! Our advocates, what are they?

JUST DISCOURSE. Low scum.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Nothing is more true. And our tragic poets?

JUST DISCOURSE. Low scum.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Well said again. And our demagogues?

JUST DISCOURSE. Low scum.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. You admit that you have spoken nonsense. And the
spectators, what are they for the most part? Look at them.

JUST DISCOURSE. I am looking at them.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Well! What do you see?

JUST DISCOURSE. By the gods, they are nearly all low scum. See, this one
I know to be such and that one and that other with the long hair.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. What have you to say, then?

JUST DISCOURSE. I am beaten. Debauchees! in the name of the gods, receive
my cloak;[563] I pass over to your ranks.

SOCRATES. Well then! do you take away your son or do you wish me to teach
him how to speak?

STREPSIADES. Teach him, chastise him and do not fail to sharpen his
tongue well, on one side for petty law-suits and on the other for
important cases.

SOCRATES. Make yourself easy, I shall return to you an accomplished
sophist.

PHIDIPPIDES. Very pale then and thoroughly hang-dog-looking.

STREPSIADES. Take him with you.

PHIDIPPIDES. I do assure you, you will repent it.

CHORUS. Judges, we are all about to tell you what you will gain by
awarding us the crown as equity requires of you. In spring, when you wish
to give your fields the first dressing, we will rain upon you first; the
others shall wait. Then we will watch over your corn and over your
vine-stocks; they will have no excess to fear, neither of heat nor of
wet. But if a mortal dares to insult the goddesses of the Clouds, let him
think of the ills we shall pour upon him. For him neither wine nor any
harvest at all! Our terrible slings will mow down his young olive plants
and his vines. If he is making bricks, it will rain, and our round
hailstones will break the tiles of his roof. If he himself marries or any
of his relations or friends, we shall cause rain to fall the whole night
long. Verily, he would prefer to live in Egypt[564] than to have given
this iniquitous verdict.

STREPSIADES. Another four, three, two days, then the eve, then the day,
the fatal day of payment! I tremble, I quake, I shudder, for 'tis the day
of the old moon and the new. [565] Then all my creditors take the oath,
pay their deposits,[566] swear my downfall and my ruin. As for me, I
beseech them to be reasonable, to be just, "My friend, do not demand this
sum, wait a little for this other and give me time for this third one. "
Then they will pretend that at this rate they will never be repaid, will
accuse me of bad faith and will threaten me with the law. Well then, let
them sue me! I care nothing for that, if only Phidippides has learnt to
speak fluently. I go to find out, let me knock at the door of the
school. . . . Ho! slave, slave!

SOCRATES. Welcome! Strepsiades!

STREPSIADES. Welcome! Socrates! But first take this sack (_offers him a
sack of flour_); it is right to reward the master with some present. And
my son, whom you took off lately, has he learnt this famous reasoning,
tell me.

SOCRATES. He has learnt it.

STREPSIADES. What a good thing! Oh! thou divine Knavery!

SOCRATES. You will win just as many causes as you choose.

STREPSIADES. Even if I have borrowed before witnesses?

SOCRATES. So much the better, even if there are a thousand of 'em!

STREPSIADES. Then I am going to shout with all my might. "Woe to the
usurers, woe to their capital and their interest and their compound
interest! You shall play me no more bad turns. My son is being taught
there, his tongue is being sharpened into a double-edged weapon; he is my
defender, the saviour of my house, the ruin of my foes! His poor father
was crushed down with misfortune and he delivers him. " Go and call him to
me quickly. Oh! my child! my dear little one! run forward to your
father's voice!

SOCRATES. Here he is.

STREPSIADES. Oh, my friend, my dearest friend!

SOCRATES. Take your son, and get you gone.

STREPSIADES. Oh, my son! oh! oh! what a pleasure to see your pallor! You
are ready first to deny and then to contradict; 'tis as clear as noon.
What a child of your country you are! How your lips quiver with the
famous, "What have you to say now? " How well you know, I am certain, to
put on the look of a victim, when it is you who are making both victims
and dupes! and what a truly Attic glance! Come, 'tis for you to save me,
seeing it is you who have ruined me.

PHIDIPPIDES. What is it you fear then?

STREPSIADES. The day of the old and the new.

PHIDIPPIDES. Is there then a day of the old and the new?

STREPSIADES. The day on which they threaten to pay deposit against me.

PHIDIPPIDES. Then so much the worse for those who have deposited! for
'tis not possible for one day to be two.

STREPSIADES. What?

PHIDIPPIDES. Why, undoubtedly, unless a woman can be both old and young
at the same time.

STREPSIADES. But so runs the law.

PHIDIPPIDES. I think the meaning of the law is quite misunderstood.

STREPSIADES. What does it mean?

PHIDIPPIDES. Old Solon loved the people.

STREPSIADES. What has that to do with the old day and the new?

PHIDIPPIDES. He has fixed two days for the summons, the last day of the
old moon and the first day of the new; but the deposits must only be paid
on the first day of the new moon.

STREPSIADES. And why did he also name the last day of the old?

PHIDIPPIDES. So, my dear sir, that the debtors, being there the day
before, might free themselves by mutual agreement, or that else, if not,
the creditor might begin his action on the morning of the new moon.

STREPSIADES. Why then do the magistrates have the deposits paid on the
last of the month and not the next day?

PHIDIPPIDES. I think they do as the gluttons do, who are the first to
pounce upon the dishes. Being eager to carry off these deposits, they
have them paid in a day too soon.

STREPSIADES. Splendid! Ah! poor brutes,[567] who serve for food to us
clever folk! You are only down here to swell the number, true blockheads,
sheep for shearing, heap of empty pots! Hence I will sound the note of
victory for my son and myself. "Oh! happy, Strepsiades! what cleverness
is thine! and what a son thou hast here! " Thus my friends and my
neighbours will say, jealous at seeing me gain all my suits. But come in,
I wish to regale you first.

PASIAS (_to his witness_). A man should never lend a single obolus.
'Twould be better to put on a brazen face at the outset than to get
entangled in such matters. I want to see my money again and I bring you
here to-day to attest the loan. I am going to make a foe of a neighbour;
but, as long as I live, I do not wish my country to have to blush for me.
Come, I am going to summon Strepsiades.

STREPSIADES. Who is this?

PASIAS. . . . for the old day and the new.

STREPSIADES. I call you to witness, that he has named two days. What do
you want of me?

PASIAS. I claim of you the twelve minae, which you borrowed from me to
buy the dapple-grey horse.

STREPSIADES. A horse! do you hear him? I, who detest horses, as is well
known.

PASIAS. I call Zeus to witness, that you swore by the gods to return them
to me.

STREPSIADES. Because at that time, by Zeus! Phidippides did not yet know
the irrefutable argument.

PASIAS. Would you deny the debt on that account?

STREPSIADES. If not, what use is his science to me?

PASIAS.
Will you dare to swear by the gods that you owe me nothing?

STREPSIADES. By which gods?

PASIAS. By Zeus, Hermes and Posidon!

STREPSIADES. Why, I would give three obols for the pleasure of swearing
by them.

PASIAS. Woe upon you, impudent knave!

STREPSIADES. Oh! what a fine wine-skin you would make if flayed!

PASIAS. Heaven! he jeers at me!

STREPSIADES. It would hold six gallons easily.

PASIAS. By great Zeus! by all the gods! you shall not scoff at me with
impunity.

STREPSIADES. Ah! how you amuse me with your gods! how ridiculous it seems
to a sage to hear Zeus invoked.

PASIAS. Your blasphemies will one day meet their reward. But, come, will
you repay me my money, yes or no? Answer me, that I may go.

STREPSIADES. Wait a moment, I am going to give you a distinct answer.
(_Goes indoors and returns immediately with a kneading-trough. _)

PASIAS. What do you think he will do?

WITNESS. He will pay the debt.

STREPSIADES. Where is the man who demands money? Tell me, what is this?

PASIAS. Him? Why he is your kneading-trough.

STREPSIADES. And you dare to demand money of me, when you are so
ignorant? I will not return an obolus to anyone who says _him_ instead of
_her_ for a kneading-trough.

PASIAS. You will not repay?

STREPSIADES. Not if I know it. Come, an end to this, pack off as quick as
you can.

PASIAS. I go, but, may I die, if it be not to pay my deposit for a
summons.

STREPSIADES. Very well! 'Twill be so much more to the bad to add to the
twelve minae. But truly it makes me sad, for I do pity a poor simpleton
who says _him_ for a kneading-trough.

AMYNIAS. Woe! ah woe is me!

STREPSIADES. Hold! who is this whining fellow? Can it be one of the gods
of Carcinus? [568]

AMYNIAS. Do you want to know who I am? I am a man of misfortune!

STREPSIADES. Get on your way then.

AMYNIAS. Oh! cruel god! Oh Fate, who hath broken the wheels of my
chariot! Oh, Pallas, thou hast undone me! [569]

STREPSIADES. What ill has Tlepolemus done you?

AMYNIAS. Instead of jeering me, friend, make your son return me the money
he has had of me; I am already unfortunate enough.

STREPSIADES. What money?

AMYNIAS. The money he borrowed of me.

STREPSIADES. You have indeed had misfortune, it seems to me.

AMYNIAS. Yes, by the gods! I have been thrown from a chariot.

STREPSIADES. Why then drivel as if you had fallen from an ass? [570]

AMYNIAS. Am I drivelling because I demand my money?

STREPSIADES. No, no, you cannot be in your right senses.

AMYNIAS. Why?

STREPSIADES. No doubt your poor wits have had a shake.

AMYNIAS. But by Hermes! I will sue you at law, if you do not pay me.

STREPSIADES. Just tell me; do you think it is always fresh water that
Zeus lets fall every time it rains, or is it always the same water that
the sun pumps over the earth?

AMYNIAS. I neither know, nor care.

STREPSIADES. And actually you would claim the right to demand your money,
when you know not a syllable of these celestial phenomena?

AMYNIAS. If you are short, pay me the interest, at any rate.

STREPSIADES. What kind of animal is interest?

AMYNIAS. What? Does not the sum borrowed go on growing, growing every
month, each day as the time slips by?

STREPSIADES. Well put. But do you believe there is more water in the sea
now than there was formerly?

AMYNIAS. No, 'tis just the same quantity. It cannot increase.

STREPSIADES. Thus, poor fool, the sea, that receives the rivers, never
grows, and yet you would have your money grow? Get you gone, away with
you, quick! Ho! bring me the ox-goad!

AMYNIAS. Hither! you witnesses there!

STREPSIADES. Come, what are you waiting for? Will you not budge, old nag!

AMYNIAS. What an insult!

STREPSIADES. Unless you get a-trotting, I shall catch you and prick up
your behind, you sorry packhorse! Ah! you start, do you? I was about to
drive you pretty fast, I tell you--you and your wheels and your chariot!

CHORUS. Whither does the passion of evil lead! here is a perverse old
man, who wants to cheat his creditors; but some mishap, which will
speedily punish this rogue for his shameful schemings, cannot fail to
overtake him from to-day. For a long time he has been burning to have his
son know how to fight against all justice and right and to gain even the
most iniquitous causes against his adversaries every one. I think this
wish is going to be fulfilled. But mayhap, mayhap, he will soon wish his
son were dumb rather!

STREPSIADES. Oh! oh! neighbours, kinsmen, fellow-citizens, help! help! to
the rescue, I am being beaten! Oh! my head! oh! my jaw! Scoundrel! do you
beat your own father!

PHIDIPPIDES. Yes, father, I do.

STREPSIADES. See! he admits he is beating me.

PHIDIPPIDES. Undoubtedly I do.

STREPSIADES. You villain, you parricide, you gallows-bird!

PHIDIPPIDES. Go on, repeat your epithets, call me a thousand other names,
an it please you. The more you curse, the greater my amusement!

STREPSIADES. Oh! you infamous cynic!

PHIDIPPIDES. How fragrant the perfume breathed forth in your words.

STREPSIADES. Do you beat your own father?

PHIDIPPIDES. Aye, by Zeus! and I am going to show you that I do right in
beating you.

STREPSIADES. Oh, wretch! can it be right to beat a father?

PHIDIPPIDES. I will prove it to you, and you shall own yourself
vanquished.

STREPSIADES. Own myself vanquished on a point like this?

PHIDIPPIDES. 'Tis the easiest thing in the world. Choose whichever of the
two reasonings you like.

STREPSIADES. Of which reasonings?

PHIDIPPIDES. The Stronger and the Weaker.

STREPSIADES. Miserable fellow! Why, 'tis I who had you taught how to
refute what is right, and now you would persuade me it is right a son
should beat his father.

PHIDIPPIDES. I think I shall convince you so thoroughly that, when you
have heard me, you will not have a word to say.

STREPSIADES. Well, I am curious to hear what you have to say.

CHORUS. Consider well, old man, how you can best triumph over him. His
brazenness shows me that he thinks himself sure of his case; he has some
argument which gives him nerve. Note the confidence in his look!