No More Learning

Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos.
The Bagpipe of the Prelates.
Beda de optimitate triparum.
The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits.
The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.
Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento.
The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences.
Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c. ,
Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio
enucidi-luculidissima.
Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet.
Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti.
De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro
de Quebecu.
The Sauciness of Country-Stewards.
M. N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda,
libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.
The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters.
(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii. )
Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit
comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem
hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi.
The Bridle-champer of the Advocates.
Smutchudlamenta Scoti.
The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals.
De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata.
Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres.
The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil.
(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis
blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.
The said Author's Apology against those who allege that the Pope's
mule doth eat but at set times.
Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M. N. , the
deep-dreaming gull Sion.
Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem,
cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non.
The Shitabranna of the Maids.
The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows.
The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks.
The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars.
The Passage-toll of Beggarliness.
The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks.
The Paring-shovel of the Theologues.
The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts.
The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk.
Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum,
libri quadriginta.
Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore.
The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders.
The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo.
The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches.
Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad.
R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum.
Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra.
Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis,
libri octo galantissimi.
The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate
Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal
Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis.
A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox.
Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium.
The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants.
The Pleasures of the Monachal Life.
The Hotchpot of Hypocrites.
The History of the Hobgoblins.
The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers.
The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries.
The Litter of Treasurers.
The Juglingatorium of Sophisters.
Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium.
The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers.
The Push-forward of the Alchemists.
The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis.
The Shackles of Religion.
The Racket of Swag-waggers.
The Leaning-stock of old Age.
The Muzzle of Nobility.
The Ape's Paternoster.
The Crickets and Hawk's-bells of Devotion.
The Pot of the Ember-weeks.
The Mortar of the Politic Life.
The Flap of the Hermits.
The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries.
The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars.
Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum.
Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum.
The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.
The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops.
Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin.
The Cymbals of Ladies.
The Dunger's Martingale.
Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis.
The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart.
The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows.
Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.
The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons.
Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos.
Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum.
The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars.
The Morris-dance of the Heretics.
The Whinings of Cajetan.
Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et
Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem.
Sixty-nine fat Breviaries.
The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars.
The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt,
incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum.
The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience.
The Fat Belly of the Presidents.
The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots.
Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod
Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.
Cacatorium medicorum.
The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology.
Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C.
The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries.
The Kissbreech of Chirurgery.
Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis.
Antidotarium animae.
Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum.
The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden.
The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses.
The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu.
The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew.

Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at
the press in this noble city of Tubingen.



Chapter 2. VIII.

How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua,
and the copy of them.

Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited
accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit,
together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil
budgets or butts of olives. And, as he was there abiding one day, he
received a letter from his father in manner as followeth.

Most dear Son,--Amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with which the
sovereign plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at
the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may
in a mortal state attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of
this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a
progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony. Whereby that in
some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our
first parents, to whom it was said that, because they had not obeyed the
commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be
brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at
first had been created.

But by this means of seminal propagation there ("Which continueth" in the
old copy. ) continueth in the children what was lost in the parents, and in
the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively
until the day of the last judgment, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered
up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all
danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and
corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations,
seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and
that all things shall be brought to their end and period. And, therefore,
not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour
and Preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age
reflourish in thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and
governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation, I shall not
account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another,
considering that, in and by that, I continue in my visible image living in
the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good
friends, as I was wont to do. Which conversation of mine, although it was
not without sin, because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought
continually to beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of
his memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without all manner of
reproach before men.

Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith I am
endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be
esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the
immortality of our name. But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small
pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the
body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul,
and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate
and abastardized. This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of
thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee
yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better. And that which I now
write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous
course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and
cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the
prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking
thou mayst easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so
helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world but to see
thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in
virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility, and
so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing the person of me
thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed as I do wish thee,
yet such in my desire.

But although my deceased father of happy memory, Grangousier, had bent his
best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political
knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea,
went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the
time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present,
neither had I plenty of such good masters as thou hast had. For that time
was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of
the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they set
footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine
goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with
such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be
admitted unto the first form of the little grammar-schoolboys--I say, I,
who in my youthful days was, and that justly, reputed the most learned of
that age. Which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully
do it in writing unto thee--in verification whereof thou hast the authority
of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch in
the book entitled How a man may praise himself without envy--but to give
thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further.

Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of
discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct.
Now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored,
viz. , Greek, without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a
scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin. Printing likewise is now in
use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it
was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical
suggestion on the other side was the invention of ordnance. All the world
is full of knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries;
and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor
Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying as
we see at this day there is. Nor must any adventure henceforward to come
in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well
polished in the shop of Minerva. I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters,
tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more
learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time.

What shall I say? The very women and children have aspired to this praise
and celestial manner of good learning. Yet so it is that, in the age I am
now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue--which I
contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to
attend the study of it--and take much delight in the reading of Plutarch's
Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and
the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator
shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory
pilgrimage. Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to employ thy youth to
profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue. Thou art
at Paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy
mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and pedagogue the
learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee
in the arts and sciences.

I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly;
first of all the Greek, as Quintilian will have it; secondly, the Latin;
and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee and
Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in imitation of
Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero. Let there be no history which thou
shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design,
books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much. Of the
liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave thee some taste
when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old. Proceed
further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst. As for astronomy,
study all the rules thereof. Let pass, nevertheless, the divining and
judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain
abuses and vanities. As for the civil law, of that I would have thee to
know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with philosophy.

Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I would have thee
to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor fountain, of
which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the
several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the
sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all the various
metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; together with all the
diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south
parts of the world. Let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. Then
fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian, and
Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by
frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world,
called the microcosm, which is man. And at some hours of the day apply thy
mind to the study of the Holy Scriptures; first in Greek, the New
Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in
Hebrew. In brief, let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit of
knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest great and becomest a man,
thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn
chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to
defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all
their needs against the invasion and assaults of evildoers.

Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited,
which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and
conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the
company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere. But because, as the
wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that
knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee
to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all
thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou
mayst never be separated from him by thy sins. Suspect the abuses of the
world. Set not thy heart upon vanity, for this life is transitory, but the
Word of the Lord endureth for ever. Be serviceable to all thy neighbours,
and love them as thyself. Reverence thy preceptors: shun the conversation
of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the
graces which God hath bestowed upon thee. And, when thou shalt see that
thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that
part, return unto me, that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before
I die. My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee. Amen.

Thy father Gargantua.

From Utopia the 17th day of the month of March.

These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart,
took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in
his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains,
and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of
his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so
active it was, vigorous and indefatigable.



Chapter 2. IX.

How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime.

One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St.
Anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and
some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely stature and
surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts
thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his
apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so far out of order
that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury
he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition
wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of Perche.

As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you
see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from Charenton
bridge? By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you that
by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some
rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon
adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and
penury. Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me
entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and
answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not
think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to my
ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you are;
because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great
pity. Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; whither
you go; what you desire; and what your name is. The companion answered him
in the German (The first edition reads "Dutch. ") tongue, thus:

'Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil. Furwahr, lieber Junker, ich lasz
euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding,
und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu
erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren
Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth
vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse Lust. ' My friend, said Pantagruel, I
have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us
to understand you, speak to us in some other language. Then did the droll
answer him thus:

'Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras.
Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim;
kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch
dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth. Nin hur diavosth
mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min
foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin. ' Do you understand none of
this? said Pantagruel to the company. I believe, said Epistemon, that this
is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil
himself knows not what to make of it. Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know
not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us
here doth so much as understand one syllable of them. Then said my blade
again:

'Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai,
s'ella non ha il ventre pieno. Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le
mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione. Al
quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine
naturale et del tutto annichilati. ' To which Epistemon answered, As much
of the one as of the other, and nothing of either.
Then said Panurge:

'Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved
to the body, you should have pity of me. For nature hath made us equal,
but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue
often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none
is good. ' (The following is the passage as it stands in the first edition.
Urquhart seems to have rendered Rabelais' indifferent English into worse
Scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions in his MS. , or 'the
oddness' of handwriting which he owns to in his Logopandecteision (p. 419,
Mait. Club. Edit. ), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly
impossible to reduce to order. --Instead of any attempt to do so, it is here
given verbatim: 'Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body
scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse
equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit: non yeless
iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye
ladeniss non quid. ' Here is a morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its
teeth in. --M. ) Yet less, said Pantagruel. Then said my jolly Panurge:

'Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser
landa. Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine
den. Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura
assia. Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna. Estou oussyc eg vinan
soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa plasar vadu. ' Are you there,
said Eudemon, Genicoa? To this said Carpalim, St. Trinian's rammer
unstitch your bum, for I had almost understood it. Then answered Panurge:

'Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny
Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays. Couille kalmuch monach
drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de
vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards. ' Do you speak Christian, said
Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois? Nay, it
is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call Lanternois. Then
said Panurge:

'Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele: my dunkt
noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat
ik begeere: geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn. '
To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that. Then said Panurge:

'Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra
reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan
vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren,
para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad
natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non
digo mas. ' Truly, my friend, (said Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you can
speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do for
you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand. Then said the
companion:

'Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige
creatuure: Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig
huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke: Huorfor
forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand
slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter:
Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig. ' I think really, said Eusthenes,
that the Goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, we would all
of us speak so with our tails. Then again said Panurge:

'Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li
kikar lehem: chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral. ' To which answered
Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very well; for it is the
Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced. Then again said the gallant:

'Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo
analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de
par emou ha ou chre. Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te
ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar
anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me
prosphoros epiphenete. ' What? Said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman, It is
Greek, I have understood him. And how? hast thou dwelt any while in
Greece? Then said the droll again:

'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou: nou den farou zamist vous
mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust,
daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou. Agou paston tol
nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou
noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou. ' (In this and the preceding
speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed
in correcting Urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies. --M. )
Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language
of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it. And, as he was about to
have begun some purpose, the companion said:

'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si
quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio
clamans et ejulans. Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant
abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores
veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur. '
Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French? That I can
do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked. It is my natural
language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in
the garden of France, to wit, Touraine. Then, said Pantagruel, tell us
what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have
already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you,
that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my
company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as
Aeneas and Achates were. Sir, said the companion, my true and proper
Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I
was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a
mischief. And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are
more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you
to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting
never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell. We shall have
therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to
report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed;
my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce
and burning, all is ready. If you will but set me to work, it will be as
good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. For God's
sake, give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry
him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate
very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept
until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one
leap from the bed to the board.



Chapter 2. X.

How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully
obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was
reputed to have a most admirable judgment.

Pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions,
would one day make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon, in all the
carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners
of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven
hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the
hardest doubts that are in any science. And first of all, in the Fodder
Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges,
artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he
overthrew them and set them all upon their tails. He went afterwards to
the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or
divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the morning until
six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves
and take their repast. And at this were present the greatest part of the
lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those
of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs
of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law.
Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn
jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them
that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall,
gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the
world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled
calves. Whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his
so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even
to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and
others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he! in
which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did,
when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is
the man.

Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in
court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech,
plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the
other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of
parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore, by the commandment of
the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all
the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the
principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of England
also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and
a rabble of other old Rabbinists. Who being thus met together, after they
had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that
they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand
the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or
take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so
grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for
shame. In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the
learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst
one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced and
philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been here, my
masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away
both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom
in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand
therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to
our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of
it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing
but dote in our consultations.

See, therefore, what I have thought upon. You have heard much talking of
that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be
learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in
those great disputations which he held publicly against all men. My
opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business;
for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it
not.

Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to
that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be
pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep
search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith
make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal
knowledge. To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein
were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight
were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But
Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this debate and
process is yet living? It was answered him, Yes. To what a devil, then,
said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which
you give me? Is it not better to hear their controversy from their own
mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile
fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages
of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity? For I am sure
that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have
by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that,
although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at
first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous,
sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius,
Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin,
Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the
least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe
calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the
laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the
Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian. The laws,
nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony
of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by
that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences. And then we find
that they are reduced into a Latin style the most elegant and ornate that
whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever
wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius,
nor Quintilian. How then could these old dotards be able to understand
aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good
Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style,
which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than
for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws?

Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and
natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have,
by G--, studied less in philosophy than my mule? In respect of human
learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden
with those faculties as a toad is with feathers. And yet of all this the
laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I intend
more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I
am about to publish. Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in
this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the
two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall have
heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or
dissimulation whatsoever.

Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all
companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part
always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the
Carthaginians. But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion,
maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming
that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions,
depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but
engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such
suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry
them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not
in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and
philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two
gentlemen summoned and personally convented. At whose appearance before
the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great
difference betwixt you? Yes, my lord, said they. Which of you, said
Pantagruel, is the plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech. Go to,
then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to
point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if I find you
to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and
take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in
justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth. Therefore
take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case.
Begin.



Chapter 2. XI.

How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel
without an attorney.

Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth. My lord, it is true that a
good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be covered,
Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord
Kissbreech; but to the purpose. There passed betwixt the two tropics the
sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the
Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of
counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling
tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and
Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had
assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go
a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when
they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the
country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs. All the night long
they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but
despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to
wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the
tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a
goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with
child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the
hay-bundle-makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they
could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat
double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the
court should be pleased to give by B. mol express command to the pox not to
run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the
jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the
British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in
the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say.

Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his
pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip,
which was all the wind-instrument he had. This was done at his return from
the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was
licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness,
according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi
stumblaverunt. But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of
Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost;
yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must
think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above
my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit
thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they
were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see that everyone
acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been
charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an
ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place
in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which
have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels
and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite.
Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the
cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the
memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. Well, God keep Theobald
Mitain from all danger! Then said Pantagruel, Hold there! Ho, my friend,
soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in
choler. I understand the case,--go on. Now then, my lord, said
Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could
not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and
passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a
warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering
them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst
(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the
painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on
shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange
to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing
it is so good to hatch.

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat,
whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony's belly, doth it
become thee to speak without command? I sweat here with the extremity of
labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your
mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me. Peace,
in the devil's name, peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful
when this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, said he to Kissbreech;
speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.

I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make
no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart
at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were
to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly
sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the
good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a
solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes,
which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for
understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. Therefore John
Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very
seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in
the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had
kindled the paper. This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her
to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia
cadit. Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of
accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst
themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were
framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at
Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and
that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For
that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed
myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good
venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked
and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better,
and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming
from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster
and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to
the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders,
which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the
story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of
a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic
history. And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout
all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit
of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without
disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it
again. As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my
neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it
would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. And truly, my
lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say that
those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of
pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever
at the millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by
the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given
thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the
clerk's office of this house.

And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship
there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with
costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this
all you have to say? Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told
all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as
one single word. You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what
you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may
serve to the purpose.



Chapter 2. XII.

How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.

Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth. My lord, and you my
masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment
as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world's four oxen had not been so
eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away
so scurvily. For although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very
soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the
factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly
cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot,
the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits.

Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and
that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely
come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which
saith,

Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not,
When he is dead and buried, see one jot.

And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle,
when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the
sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their
heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little
platform leaps in keeping level by the ground? But now the world is
unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester. One flies out
lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and
that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it
will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made,
or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to
illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the
sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the
decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their
rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that
make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes?
Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is
wholly set all beasts are in the shade. Let me never be believed again, if
I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of
the day.

In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized
horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the
goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, I told really
that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my
teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences
were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that
salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it
were hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he
were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms,
thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of
a swaggering sauciness. Here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a
proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one
attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point
with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum
that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away
in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon
the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for,
incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go
near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing
else but withstand others' courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles
'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and
this is that which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said
good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a
sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him, that the
sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers'
purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the
cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips,
and a little of a calf's chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have
provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and
burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the
fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in
some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon. Now, if
the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the
chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame,
settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there,
there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of
the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair
coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or
mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves
at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the
wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.

Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof
mention was made, were somewhat short in memory. Nevertheless, to
understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard
of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their
children some time should become very skilful in algorism. Therefore is
it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail
to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof
somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff. But the great devil did envy it, and
by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in
swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink,
trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch.
For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this
saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and
were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did
not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon
them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me,
so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it. And put
the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little
puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an
account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will
necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court,
that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three
butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the
funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for
one and two, that is, deuce ace. This I may affirm with a safe conscience,
upon my oath of wool.

And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the
counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three
times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing
but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot,
and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the
sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him. Such another sentence
after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because
of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court
to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not
but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well
be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver's shuttle,
whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the
terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another. Tunc, my lords,
quid juris pro minoribus? For the common custom of the Salic law is such,
that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and
wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's
stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his
member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the
mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that
do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and
that neck to neck after the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with
costs, damages, and interests.

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of
Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said?
No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and
nothing but the truth. Therefore, put an end for God's sake to our
difference, for we are here at great charge.



Chapter 2. XIII.

How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords.

Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and
doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you have
heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you
think of it? They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not
understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore
we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give
sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied
with it, and do ratify it with our full consents. Well, my masters, said
Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not truly
find the case so difficult as you make it. Your paragraph Caton, the law
Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si
Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law Si quis, the law
Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law
Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion.
After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding
very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they
girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was
bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or
accepting of persons. Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce
sentence as followeth.

Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference
between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them,
that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the
flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by
private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little
unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and
vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an
hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff
truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the
galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and
the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his
conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in
eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that. He
is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies,
into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could
not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision
of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the
walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais. Slacking,
therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets,
wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great
store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk's-bells were made
with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which
his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or
bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen
by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter
in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the
vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail.

But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater,
and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble
was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed.

The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of
curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and
codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said
defendant about the middle of August in May. But, on the other part, the
defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping
the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines
garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.

Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented
with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible. For it never came to
pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees
hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be
equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence. As for
the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they
were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of
Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so
accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits
with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of
actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden
ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had
been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of
vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and
understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere. And so be it.



Chapter 2. XIV.