Indeed I could write to you
forever!
Dostoevsky - Poor Folk
.
My friend, I am going to
marry this man; I have no choice but to accept his proposal. If anyone
could save me from this squalor, and restore to me my good name, and
avert from me future poverty and want and misfortune, he is the man to
do it. What else have I to look for from the future? What more am I to
ask of fate? Thedora declares that one need NEVER lose one’s happiness;
but what, I ask HER, can be called happiness under such circumstances as
mine? At all events I see no other road open, dear friend. I see nothing
else to be done. I have worked until I have ruined my health. I cannot
go on working forever. Shall I go out into the world? Nay; I am worn to
a shadow with grief, and become good for nothing. Sickly by nature, I
should merely be a burden upon other folks. Of course this marriage will
not bring me paradise, but what else does there remain, my friend--what
else does there remain? What other choice is left?
I had not asked your advice earlier for the reason that I wanted to
think the matter over alone. However, the decision which you have just
read is unalterable, and I am about to announce it to Bwikov himself,
who in any case has pressed me for a speedy reply, owing to the fact (so
he says) that his business will not wait nor allow him to remain here
longer, and that therefore, no trifle must be allowed to stand in its
way. God alone knows whether I shall be happy, but my fate is in His
holy, His inscrutable hand, and I have so decided. Bwikov is said to be
kind-hearted. He will at least respect me, and perhaps I shall be
able to return that respect. What more could be looked for from such a
marriage?
I have now told you all, Makar Alexievitch, and feel sure that you will
understand my despondency. Do not, however, try to divert me from my
intention, for all your efforts will be in vain. Think for a moment;
weigh in your heart for a moment all that has led me to take this step.
At first my anguish was extreme, but now I am quieter. What awaits me I
know not. What must be must be, and as God may send. . . .
Bwikov has just arrived, so I am leaving this letter unfinished.
Otherwise I had much else to say to you. Bwikov is even now at the
door! . . .
September 23rd.
MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to reply to you--I hasten to
express to you my extreme astonishment. . . . In passing, I may mention
that yesterday we buried poor Gorshkov. . . .
Yes, Bwikov has acted nobly, and you have no choice but to accept him.
All things are in God’s hands. This is so, and must always be so; and
the purposes of the Divine Creator are at once good and inscrutable, as
also is Fate, which is one with Him. . . .
Thedora will share your happiness--for, of course, you will be happy,
and free from want, darling, dearest, sweetest of angels! But why should
the matter be so hurried? Oh, of course--Monsieur Bwikov’s business
affairs. Only a man who has no affairs to see to can afford to disregard
such things. I got a glimpse of Monsieur Bwikov as he was leaving your
door. He is a fine-looking man--a very fine-looking man; though that is
not the point that I should most have noticed had I been quite myself at
the time. . . .
In the future shall we be able to write letters to one another? I keep
wondering and wondering what has led you to say all that you have said.
To think that just when twenty pages of my copying are completed THIS
has happened! . . . I suppose you will be able to make many purchases
now--to buy shoes and dresses and all sorts of things? Do you remember
the shops in Gorokhovaia Street of which I used to speak? . . .
But no. You ought not to go out at present--you simply ought not to, and
shall not. Presently, you will he able to buy many, many things, and to,
keep a carriage. Also, at present the weather is bad. Rain is descending
in pailfuls, and it is such a soaking kind of rain that--that you might
catch cold from it, my darling, and the chill might go to your heart.
Why should your fear of this man lead you to take such risks when
all the time I am here to do your bidding? So Thedora declares great
happiness to be awaiting you, does she? She is a gossiping old woman,
and evidently desires to ruin you.
Shall you be at the all-night Mass this evening, dearest? I should like
to come and see you there. Yes, Bwikov spoke but the truth when he said
that you are a woman of virtue, wit, and good feeling. Yet I think he
would do far better to marry the merchant’s daughter. What think YOU
about it? Yes, ‘twould be far better for him. As soon as it grows dark
tonight I mean to come and sit with you for an hour. Tonight twilight
will close in early, so I shall soon be with you. Yes, come what may,
I mean to see you for an hour. At present, I suppose, you are expecting
Bwikov, but I will come as soon as he has gone. So stay at home until I
have arrived, dearest.
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 27th.
DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Bwikov has just informed me that I must have
at least three dozen linen blouses; so I must go at once and look for
sempstresses to make two out of the three dozen, since time presses.
Indeed, Monsieur Bwikov is quite angry about the fuss which these
fripperies are entailing, seeing that there remain but five days before
the wedding, and we are to depart on the following day. He keeps rushing
about and declaring that no time ought to be wasted on trifles. I am
terribly worried, and scarcely able to stand on my feet. There is
so much to do, and, perhaps, so much that were better left undone!
Moreover, I have no blond or other lace; so THERE is another item to be
purchased, since Bwikov declares that he cannot have his bride look
like a cook, but, on the contrary, she must “put the noses of the great
ladies out of joint. ” That is his expression. I wish, therefore, that
you would go to Madame Chiffon’s, in Gorokhovaia Street, and ask her, in
the first place, to send me some sempstresses, and, in the second place,
to give herself the trouble of coming in person, as I am too ill to
go out. Our new flat is very cold, and still in great disorder. Also,
Bwikov has an aunt who is at her last gasp through old age, and may die
before our departure. He himself, however, declares this to be nothing,
and says that she will soon recover. He is not yet living with me, and
I have to go running hither and thither to find him. Only Thedora
is acting as my servant, together with Bwikov’s valet, who oversees
everything, but has been absent for the past three days.
Each morning Bwikov goes to business, and loses his temper. Yesterday
he even had some trouble with the police because of his thrashing the
steward of these buildings. . . I have no one to send with this letter so
I am going to post it. . . Ah! I had almost forgotten the most important
point--which is that I should like you to go and tell Madame Chiffon
that I wish the blond lace to be changed in conformity with yesterday’s
patterns, if she will be good enough to bring with her a new assortment.
Also say that I have altered my mind about the satin, which I wish to
be tamboured with crochet-work; also, that tambour is to be used with
monograms on the various garments. Do you hear? Tambour, not smooth
work. Do not forget that it is to be tambour. Another thing I had almost
forgotten, which is that the lappets of the fur cloak must be raised,
and the collar bound with lace. Please tell her these things, Makar
Alexievitch. --Your friend,
B. D.
P. S. --I am so ashamed to trouble you with my commissions! This is the
third morning that you will have spent in running about for my sake. But
what else am I to do? The whole place is in disorder, and I myself
am ill. Do not be vexed with me, Makar Alexievitch. I am feeling so
depressed! What is going to become of me, dear friend, dear, kind, old
Makar Alexievitch? I dread to look forward into the future. Somehow I
feel apprehensive; I am living, as it were, in a mist. Yet, for God’s
sake, forget none of my commissions. I am so afraid lest you should make
a mistake! Remember that everything is to be tambour work, not smooth.
September 27th.
MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I have carefully fulfilled your
commissions. Madame Chiffon informs me that she herself had thought of
using tambour work as being more suitable (though I did not quite take
in all she said). Also, she has informed me that, since you have given
certain directions in writing, she has followed them (though again I do
not clearly remember all that she said--I only remember that she said
a very great deal, for she is a most tiresome old woman). These
observations she will soon be repeating to you in person. For myself, I
feel absolutely exhausted, and have not been to the office today. . .
Do not despair about the future, dearest. To save you trouble I would
visit every shop in St. Petersburg. You write that you dare not look
forward into the future. But by tonight, at seven o’clock, you will have
learned all, for Madame Chiffon will have arrived in person to see you.
Hope on, and everything will order itself for the best. Of course, I
am referring only to these accursed gewgaws, to these frills and
fripperies! Ah me, ah me, how glad I shall be to see you, my angel! Yes,
how glad I shall be! Twice already today I have passed the gates of your
abode. Unfortunately, this Bwikov is a man of such choler that--Well,
things are as they are.
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 28th.
MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--For God’s sake go to the jeweller’s,
and tell him that, after all, he need not make the pearl and emerald
earrings. Monsieur Bwikov says that they will cost him too much, that
they will burn a veritable hole in his pocket. In fact, he has lost his
temper again, and declares that he is being robbed. Yesterday he added
that, had he but known, but foreseen, these expenses, he would never
have married. Also, he says that, as things are, he intends only to have
a plain wedding, and then to depart. “You must not look for any dancing
or festivity or entertainment of guests, for our gala times are still in
the air. ” Such were his words. God knows I do not want such things, but
none the less Bwikov has forbidden them. I made him no answer on the
subject, for he is a man all too easily irritated. What, what is going
to become of me?
B. D.
September 28th.
MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--All is well as regards the jeweller.
Unfortunately, I have also to say that I myself have fallen ill, and
cannot rise from bed. Just when so many things need to be done, I have
gone and caught a chill, the devil take it! Also I have to tell you
that, to complete my misfortunes, his Excellency has been pleased to
become stricter. Today he railed at and scolded Emelia Ivanovitch until
the poor fellow was quite put about. That is the sum of my news.
No--there is something else concerning which I should like to write
to you, but am afraid to obtrude upon your notice. I am a simple,
dull fellow who writes down whatsoever first comes into his head--Your
friend,
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 29th.
MY OWN BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Today, dearest, I saw Thedora, who informed
me that you are to be married tomorrow, and on the following day to go
away--for which purpose Bwikov has ordered a post-chaise. . . .
Well, of the incident of his Excellency, I have already told you. Also
I have verified the bill from the shop in Gorokhovaia Street. It is
correct, but very long. Why is Monsieur Bwikov so out of humour with
you? Nay, but you must be of good cheer, my darling. I am so, and shall
always be so, so long as you are happy. I should have come to the church
tomorrow, but, alas, shall be prevented from doing so by the pain in my
loins. Also, I would have written an account of the ceremony, but that
there will be no one to report to me the details. . . .
Yes, you have been a very good friend to Thedora, dearest. You have
acted kindly, very kindly, towards her. For every such deed God will
bless you. Good deeds never go unrewarded, nor does virtue ever fail to
win the crown of divine justice, be it early or be it late. Much else
should I have liked to write to you. Every hour, every minute I could
occupy in writing.
Indeed I could write to you forever! Only your book,
“The Stories of Bielkin”, is left to me. Do not deprive me of it, I pray
you, but suffer me to keep it. It is not so much because I wish to read
the book for its own sake, as because winter is coming on, when the
evenings will be long and dreary, and one will want to read at least
SOMETHING.
Do you know, I am going to move from my present quarters into your old
ones, which I intend to rent from Thedora; for I could never part with
that good old woman. Moreover, she is such a splendid worker.
Yesterday I inspected your empty room in detail, and inspected your
embroidery-frame, with the work still hanging on it. It had been left
untouched in its corner. Next, I inspected the work itself, of which
there still remained a few remnants, and saw that you had used one of my
letters for a spool upon which to wind your thread. Also, on the table
I found a scrap of paper which had written on it, “My dearest Makar
Alexievitch I hasten to--” that was all. Evidently, someone had
interrupted you at an interesting point. Lastly, behind a screen there
was your little bed. . . . Oh darling of darlings! ! ! . . . Well, goodbye now,
goodbye now, but for God’s sake send me something in answer to this
letter!
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 30th.
MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--All is over! The die is cast! What my lot
may have in store I know not, but I am submissive to the will of God.
Tomorrow, then, we depart. For the last time, I take my leave of you, my
friend beyond price, my benefactor, my dear one! Do not grieve for me,
but try to live happily. Think of me sometimes, and may the blessing
of Almighty God light upon you! For myself, I shall often have you in
remembrance, and recall you in my prayers. Thus our time together
has come to an end. Little comfort in my new life shall I derive
from memories of the past. The more, therefore, shall I cherish the
recollection of you, and the dearer will you ever be to my heart. Here,
you have been my only friend; here, you alone have loved me. Yes, I have
seen all, I have known all--I have throughout known how well you love
me. A single smile of mine, a single stroke from my pen, has been able
to make you happy. . . . But now you must forget me. . . . How lonely you will
be! Why should you stay here at all, kind, inestimable, but solitary,
friend of mine?
To your care I entrust the book, the embroidery frame, and the letter
upon which I had begun. When you look upon the few words which the
letter contains you will be able mentally to read in thought all that
you would have liked further to hear or receive from me--all that I
would so gladly have written, but can never now write. Think sometimes
of your poor little Barbara who loved you so well. All your letters I
have left behind me in the top drawer of Thedora’s chest of drawers. . .
You write that you are ill, but Monsieur Bwikov will not let me leave
the house today; so that I can only write to you. Also, I will write
again before long. That is a promise. Yet God only knows when I shall be
able to do so. . . .
Now we must bid one another forever farewell, my friend, my beloved,
my own! Yes, it must be forever! Ah, how at this moment I could embrace
you! Goodbye, dear friend--goodbye, goodbye! May you ever rest well and
happy! To the end I shall keep you in my prayers. How my heart is
aching under its load of sorrow! . . . Monsieur Bwikov is just calling for
me. . . . --Your ever loving
B.
P. S. --My heart is full! It is full to bursting of tears! Sorrow has me
in its grip, and is tearing me to pieces. Goodbye. My God, what grief!
Do not, do not forget your poor Barbara!
BELOVED BARBARA--MY JEWEL, MY PRICELESS ONE,--You are now almost en
route, you are now just about to depart! Would that they had torn my
heart out of my breast rather than have taken you away from me! How
could you allow it? You weep, yet you go! And only this moment I have
received from you a letter stained with your tears! It must be that
you are departing unwillingly; it must be that you are being abducted
against your will; it must be that you are sorry for me; it must be
that--that you LOVE me! . . .
Yet how will it fare with you now? Your heart will soon have become
chilled and sick and depressed. Grief will soon have sucked away its
life; grief will soon have rent it in twain! Yes, you will die where you
be, and be laid to rest in the cold, moist earth where there is no one
to bewail you. Monsieur Bwikov will only be hunting hares! . . .
Ah, my darling, my darling! WHY did you come to this decision? How could
you bring yourself to take such a step? What have you done, have you
done, have you done? Soon they will be carrying you away to the tomb;
soon your beauty will have become defiled, my angel. Ah, dearest one,
you are as weak as a feather. And where have I been all this time? What
have I been thinking of? I have treated you merely as a forward child
whose head was aching. Fool that I was, I neither saw nor understood.
I have behaved as though, right or wrong, the matter was in no way my
concern. Yes, I have been running about after fripperies! . . . Ah, but I
WILL leave my bed. Tomorrow I WILL rise sound and well, and be once more
myself. . . .
Dearest, I could throw myself under the wheels of a passing vehicle
rather than that you should go like this. By what right is it being
done? . . . I will go with you; I will run behind your carriage if you will
not take me--yes, I will run, and run so long as the power is in me, and
until my breath shall have failed. Do you know whither you are going?
Perhaps you will not know, and will have to ask me? Before you there
lie the Steppes, my darling--only the Steppes, the naked Steppes, the
Steppes that are as bare as the palm of my hand. THERE there live only
heartless old women and rude peasants and drunkards. THERE the trees
have already shed their leaves. THERE there abide but rain and cold. Why
should you go thither? True, Monsieur Bwikov will have his diversions in
that country--he will be able to hunt the hare; but what of yourself? Do
you wish to become a mere estate lady? Nay; look at yourself, my seraph
of heaven. Are you in any way fitted for such a role? How could you
play it? To whom should I write letters? To whom should I send these
missives? Whom should I call “my darling”? To whom should I apply that
name of endearment? Where, too, could I find you?
When you are gone, Barbara, I shall die--for certain I shall die, for my
heart cannot bear this misery. I love you as I love the light of God;
I love you as my own daughter; to you I have devoted my love in its
entirety; only for you have I lived at all; only because you were near
me have I worked and copied manuscripts and committed my views to paper
under the guise of friendly letters.
Perhaps you did not know all this, but it has been so. How, then, my
beloved, could you bring yourself to leave me? Nay, you MUST not go--it
is impossible, it is sheerly, it is utterly, impossible. The rain will
fall upon you, and you are weak, and will catch cold. The floods will
stop your carriage. No sooner will it have passed the city barriers than
it will break down, purposely break down. Here, in St. Petersburg, they
are bad builders of carriages. Yes, I know well these carriage-builders.
They are jerry-builders who can fashion a toy, but nothing that is
durable. Yes, I swear they can make nothing that is durable. . . . All that
I can do is to go upon my knees before Monsieur Bwikov, and to tell him
all, to tell him all. Do you also tell him all, dearest, and reason with
him. Tell him that you MUST remain here, and must not go. Ah, why did he
not marry that merchant’s daughter in Moscow? Let him go and marry her
now. She would suit him far better and for reasons which I well know.
Then I could keep you. For what is he to you, this Monsieur Bwikov? Why
has he suddenly become so dear to your heart? Is it because he can buy
you gewgaws? What are THEY? What use are THEY? They are so much rubbish.
One should consider human life rather than mere finery.
Nevertheless, as soon as I have received my next instalment of salary I
mean to buy you a new cloak. I mean to buy it at a shop with which I
am acquainted. Only, you must wait until my next installment is due, my
angel of a Barbara. Ah, God, my God! To think that you are going away
into the Steppes with Monsieur Bwikov--that you are going away never
to return! . . . Nay, nay, but you SHALL write to me. You SHALL write me
a letter as soon as you have started, even if it be your last letter of
all, my dearest. Yet will it be your last letter? How has it come about
so suddenly, so irrevocably, that this letter should be your last? Nay,
nay; I will write, and you shall write--yes, NOW, when at length I am
beginning to improve my style. Style? I do not know what I am writing. I
never do know what I am writing. I could not possibly know, for I never
read over what I have written, nor correct its orthography. At the
present moment, I am writing merely for the sake of writing, and to put
as much as possible into this last letter of mine. . . .
Ah, dearest, my pet, my own darling! . . .
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marry this man; I have no choice but to accept his proposal. If anyone
could save me from this squalor, and restore to me my good name, and
avert from me future poverty and want and misfortune, he is the man to
do it. What else have I to look for from the future? What more am I to
ask of fate? Thedora declares that one need NEVER lose one’s happiness;
but what, I ask HER, can be called happiness under such circumstances as
mine? At all events I see no other road open, dear friend. I see nothing
else to be done. I have worked until I have ruined my health. I cannot
go on working forever. Shall I go out into the world? Nay; I am worn to
a shadow with grief, and become good for nothing. Sickly by nature, I
should merely be a burden upon other folks. Of course this marriage will
not bring me paradise, but what else does there remain, my friend--what
else does there remain? What other choice is left?
I had not asked your advice earlier for the reason that I wanted to
think the matter over alone. However, the decision which you have just
read is unalterable, and I am about to announce it to Bwikov himself,
who in any case has pressed me for a speedy reply, owing to the fact (so
he says) that his business will not wait nor allow him to remain here
longer, and that therefore, no trifle must be allowed to stand in its
way. God alone knows whether I shall be happy, but my fate is in His
holy, His inscrutable hand, and I have so decided. Bwikov is said to be
kind-hearted. He will at least respect me, and perhaps I shall be
able to return that respect. What more could be looked for from such a
marriage?
I have now told you all, Makar Alexievitch, and feel sure that you will
understand my despondency. Do not, however, try to divert me from my
intention, for all your efforts will be in vain. Think for a moment;
weigh in your heart for a moment all that has led me to take this step.
At first my anguish was extreme, but now I am quieter. What awaits me I
know not. What must be must be, and as God may send. . . .
Bwikov has just arrived, so I am leaving this letter unfinished.
Otherwise I had much else to say to you. Bwikov is even now at the
door! . . .
September 23rd.
MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to reply to you--I hasten to
express to you my extreme astonishment. . . . In passing, I may mention
that yesterday we buried poor Gorshkov. . . .
Yes, Bwikov has acted nobly, and you have no choice but to accept him.
All things are in God’s hands. This is so, and must always be so; and
the purposes of the Divine Creator are at once good and inscrutable, as
also is Fate, which is one with Him. . . .
Thedora will share your happiness--for, of course, you will be happy,
and free from want, darling, dearest, sweetest of angels! But why should
the matter be so hurried? Oh, of course--Monsieur Bwikov’s business
affairs. Only a man who has no affairs to see to can afford to disregard
such things. I got a glimpse of Monsieur Bwikov as he was leaving your
door. He is a fine-looking man--a very fine-looking man; though that is
not the point that I should most have noticed had I been quite myself at
the time. . . .
In the future shall we be able to write letters to one another? I keep
wondering and wondering what has led you to say all that you have said.
To think that just when twenty pages of my copying are completed THIS
has happened! . . . I suppose you will be able to make many purchases
now--to buy shoes and dresses and all sorts of things? Do you remember
the shops in Gorokhovaia Street of which I used to speak? . . .
But no. You ought not to go out at present--you simply ought not to, and
shall not. Presently, you will he able to buy many, many things, and to,
keep a carriage. Also, at present the weather is bad. Rain is descending
in pailfuls, and it is such a soaking kind of rain that--that you might
catch cold from it, my darling, and the chill might go to your heart.
Why should your fear of this man lead you to take such risks when
all the time I am here to do your bidding? So Thedora declares great
happiness to be awaiting you, does she? She is a gossiping old woman,
and evidently desires to ruin you.
Shall you be at the all-night Mass this evening, dearest? I should like
to come and see you there. Yes, Bwikov spoke but the truth when he said
that you are a woman of virtue, wit, and good feeling. Yet I think he
would do far better to marry the merchant’s daughter. What think YOU
about it? Yes, ‘twould be far better for him. As soon as it grows dark
tonight I mean to come and sit with you for an hour. Tonight twilight
will close in early, so I shall soon be with you. Yes, come what may,
I mean to see you for an hour. At present, I suppose, you are expecting
Bwikov, but I will come as soon as he has gone. So stay at home until I
have arrived, dearest.
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 27th.
DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Bwikov has just informed me that I must have
at least three dozen linen blouses; so I must go at once and look for
sempstresses to make two out of the three dozen, since time presses.
Indeed, Monsieur Bwikov is quite angry about the fuss which these
fripperies are entailing, seeing that there remain but five days before
the wedding, and we are to depart on the following day. He keeps rushing
about and declaring that no time ought to be wasted on trifles. I am
terribly worried, and scarcely able to stand on my feet. There is
so much to do, and, perhaps, so much that were better left undone!
Moreover, I have no blond or other lace; so THERE is another item to be
purchased, since Bwikov declares that he cannot have his bride look
like a cook, but, on the contrary, she must “put the noses of the great
ladies out of joint. ” That is his expression. I wish, therefore, that
you would go to Madame Chiffon’s, in Gorokhovaia Street, and ask her, in
the first place, to send me some sempstresses, and, in the second place,
to give herself the trouble of coming in person, as I am too ill to
go out. Our new flat is very cold, and still in great disorder. Also,
Bwikov has an aunt who is at her last gasp through old age, and may die
before our departure. He himself, however, declares this to be nothing,
and says that she will soon recover. He is not yet living with me, and
I have to go running hither and thither to find him. Only Thedora
is acting as my servant, together with Bwikov’s valet, who oversees
everything, but has been absent for the past three days.
Each morning Bwikov goes to business, and loses his temper. Yesterday
he even had some trouble with the police because of his thrashing the
steward of these buildings. . . I have no one to send with this letter so
I am going to post it. . . Ah! I had almost forgotten the most important
point--which is that I should like you to go and tell Madame Chiffon
that I wish the blond lace to be changed in conformity with yesterday’s
patterns, if she will be good enough to bring with her a new assortment.
Also say that I have altered my mind about the satin, which I wish to
be tamboured with crochet-work; also, that tambour is to be used with
monograms on the various garments. Do you hear? Tambour, not smooth
work. Do not forget that it is to be tambour. Another thing I had almost
forgotten, which is that the lappets of the fur cloak must be raised,
and the collar bound with lace. Please tell her these things, Makar
Alexievitch. --Your friend,
B. D.
P. S. --I am so ashamed to trouble you with my commissions! This is the
third morning that you will have spent in running about for my sake. But
what else am I to do? The whole place is in disorder, and I myself
am ill. Do not be vexed with me, Makar Alexievitch. I am feeling so
depressed! What is going to become of me, dear friend, dear, kind, old
Makar Alexievitch? I dread to look forward into the future. Somehow I
feel apprehensive; I am living, as it were, in a mist. Yet, for God’s
sake, forget none of my commissions. I am so afraid lest you should make
a mistake! Remember that everything is to be tambour work, not smooth.
September 27th.
MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I have carefully fulfilled your
commissions. Madame Chiffon informs me that she herself had thought of
using tambour work as being more suitable (though I did not quite take
in all she said). Also, she has informed me that, since you have given
certain directions in writing, she has followed them (though again I do
not clearly remember all that she said--I only remember that she said
a very great deal, for she is a most tiresome old woman). These
observations she will soon be repeating to you in person. For myself, I
feel absolutely exhausted, and have not been to the office today. . .
Do not despair about the future, dearest. To save you trouble I would
visit every shop in St. Petersburg. You write that you dare not look
forward into the future. But by tonight, at seven o’clock, you will have
learned all, for Madame Chiffon will have arrived in person to see you.
Hope on, and everything will order itself for the best. Of course, I
am referring only to these accursed gewgaws, to these frills and
fripperies! Ah me, ah me, how glad I shall be to see you, my angel! Yes,
how glad I shall be! Twice already today I have passed the gates of your
abode. Unfortunately, this Bwikov is a man of such choler that--Well,
things are as they are.
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 28th.
MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--For God’s sake go to the jeweller’s,
and tell him that, after all, he need not make the pearl and emerald
earrings. Monsieur Bwikov says that they will cost him too much, that
they will burn a veritable hole in his pocket. In fact, he has lost his
temper again, and declares that he is being robbed. Yesterday he added
that, had he but known, but foreseen, these expenses, he would never
have married. Also, he says that, as things are, he intends only to have
a plain wedding, and then to depart. “You must not look for any dancing
or festivity or entertainment of guests, for our gala times are still in
the air. ” Such were his words. God knows I do not want such things, but
none the less Bwikov has forbidden them. I made him no answer on the
subject, for he is a man all too easily irritated. What, what is going
to become of me?
B. D.
September 28th.
MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--All is well as regards the jeweller.
Unfortunately, I have also to say that I myself have fallen ill, and
cannot rise from bed. Just when so many things need to be done, I have
gone and caught a chill, the devil take it! Also I have to tell you
that, to complete my misfortunes, his Excellency has been pleased to
become stricter. Today he railed at and scolded Emelia Ivanovitch until
the poor fellow was quite put about. That is the sum of my news.
No--there is something else concerning which I should like to write
to you, but am afraid to obtrude upon your notice. I am a simple,
dull fellow who writes down whatsoever first comes into his head--Your
friend,
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 29th.
MY OWN BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Today, dearest, I saw Thedora, who informed
me that you are to be married tomorrow, and on the following day to go
away--for which purpose Bwikov has ordered a post-chaise. . . .
Well, of the incident of his Excellency, I have already told you. Also
I have verified the bill from the shop in Gorokhovaia Street. It is
correct, but very long. Why is Monsieur Bwikov so out of humour with
you? Nay, but you must be of good cheer, my darling. I am so, and shall
always be so, so long as you are happy. I should have come to the church
tomorrow, but, alas, shall be prevented from doing so by the pain in my
loins. Also, I would have written an account of the ceremony, but that
there will be no one to report to me the details. . . .
Yes, you have been a very good friend to Thedora, dearest. You have
acted kindly, very kindly, towards her. For every such deed God will
bless you. Good deeds never go unrewarded, nor does virtue ever fail to
win the crown of divine justice, be it early or be it late. Much else
should I have liked to write to you. Every hour, every minute I could
occupy in writing.
Indeed I could write to you forever! Only your book,
“The Stories of Bielkin”, is left to me. Do not deprive me of it, I pray
you, but suffer me to keep it. It is not so much because I wish to read
the book for its own sake, as because winter is coming on, when the
evenings will be long and dreary, and one will want to read at least
SOMETHING.
Do you know, I am going to move from my present quarters into your old
ones, which I intend to rent from Thedora; for I could never part with
that good old woman. Moreover, she is such a splendid worker.
Yesterday I inspected your empty room in detail, and inspected your
embroidery-frame, with the work still hanging on it. It had been left
untouched in its corner. Next, I inspected the work itself, of which
there still remained a few remnants, and saw that you had used one of my
letters for a spool upon which to wind your thread. Also, on the table
I found a scrap of paper which had written on it, “My dearest Makar
Alexievitch I hasten to--” that was all. Evidently, someone had
interrupted you at an interesting point. Lastly, behind a screen there
was your little bed. . . . Oh darling of darlings! ! ! . . . Well, goodbye now,
goodbye now, but for God’s sake send me something in answer to this
letter!
MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
September 30th.
MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--All is over! The die is cast! What my lot
may have in store I know not, but I am submissive to the will of God.
Tomorrow, then, we depart. For the last time, I take my leave of you, my
friend beyond price, my benefactor, my dear one! Do not grieve for me,
but try to live happily. Think of me sometimes, and may the blessing
of Almighty God light upon you! For myself, I shall often have you in
remembrance, and recall you in my prayers. Thus our time together
has come to an end. Little comfort in my new life shall I derive
from memories of the past. The more, therefore, shall I cherish the
recollection of you, and the dearer will you ever be to my heart. Here,
you have been my only friend; here, you alone have loved me. Yes, I have
seen all, I have known all--I have throughout known how well you love
me. A single smile of mine, a single stroke from my pen, has been able
to make you happy. . . . But now you must forget me. . . . How lonely you will
be! Why should you stay here at all, kind, inestimable, but solitary,
friend of mine?
To your care I entrust the book, the embroidery frame, and the letter
upon which I had begun. When you look upon the few words which the
letter contains you will be able mentally to read in thought all that
you would have liked further to hear or receive from me--all that I
would so gladly have written, but can never now write. Think sometimes
of your poor little Barbara who loved you so well. All your letters I
have left behind me in the top drawer of Thedora’s chest of drawers. . .
You write that you are ill, but Monsieur Bwikov will not let me leave
the house today; so that I can only write to you. Also, I will write
again before long. That is a promise. Yet God only knows when I shall be
able to do so. . . .
Now we must bid one another forever farewell, my friend, my beloved,
my own! Yes, it must be forever! Ah, how at this moment I could embrace
you! Goodbye, dear friend--goodbye, goodbye! May you ever rest well and
happy! To the end I shall keep you in my prayers. How my heart is
aching under its load of sorrow! . . . Monsieur Bwikov is just calling for
me. . . . --Your ever loving
B.
P. S. --My heart is full! It is full to bursting of tears! Sorrow has me
in its grip, and is tearing me to pieces. Goodbye. My God, what grief!
Do not, do not forget your poor Barbara!
BELOVED BARBARA--MY JEWEL, MY PRICELESS ONE,--You are now almost en
route, you are now just about to depart! Would that they had torn my
heart out of my breast rather than have taken you away from me! How
could you allow it? You weep, yet you go! And only this moment I have
received from you a letter stained with your tears! It must be that
you are departing unwillingly; it must be that you are being abducted
against your will; it must be that you are sorry for me; it must be
that--that you LOVE me! . . .
Yet how will it fare with you now? Your heart will soon have become
chilled and sick and depressed. Grief will soon have sucked away its
life; grief will soon have rent it in twain! Yes, you will die where you
be, and be laid to rest in the cold, moist earth where there is no one
to bewail you. Monsieur Bwikov will only be hunting hares! . . .
Ah, my darling, my darling! WHY did you come to this decision? How could
you bring yourself to take such a step? What have you done, have you
done, have you done? Soon they will be carrying you away to the tomb;
soon your beauty will have become defiled, my angel. Ah, dearest one,
you are as weak as a feather. And where have I been all this time? What
have I been thinking of? I have treated you merely as a forward child
whose head was aching. Fool that I was, I neither saw nor understood.
I have behaved as though, right or wrong, the matter was in no way my
concern. Yes, I have been running about after fripperies! . . . Ah, but I
WILL leave my bed. Tomorrow I WILL rise sound and well, and be once more
myself. . . .
Dearest, I could throw myself under the wheels of a passing vehicle
rather than that you should go like this. By what right is it being
done? . . . I will go with you; I will run behind your carriage if you will
not take me--yes, I will run, and run so long as the power is in me, and
until my breath shall have failed. Do you know whither you are going?
Perhaps you will not know, and will have to ask me? Before you there
lie the Steppes, my darling--only the Steppes, the naked Steppes, the
Steppes that are as bare as the palm of my hand. THERE there live only
heartless old women and rude peasants and drunkards. THERE the trees
have already shed their leaves. THERE there abide but rain and cold. Why
should you go thither? True, Monsieur Bwikov will have his diversions in
that country--he will be able to hunt the hare; but what of yourself? Do
you wish to become a mere estate lady? Nay; look at yourself, my seraph
of heaven. Are you in any way fitted for such a role? How could you
play it? To whom should I write letters? To whom should I send these
missives? Whom should I call “my darling”? To whom should I apply that
name of endearment? Where, too, could I find you?
When you are gone, Barbara, I shall die--for certain I shall die, for my
heart cannot bear this misery. I love you as I love the light of God;
I love you as my own daughter; to you I have devoted my love in its
entirety; only for you have I lived at all; only because you were near
me have I worked and copied manuscripts and committed my views to paper
under the guise of friendly letters.
Perhaps you did not know all this, but it has been so. How, then, my
beloved, could you bring yourself to leave me? Nay, you MUST not go--it
is impossible, it is sheerly, it is utterly, impossible. The rain will
fall upon you, and you are weak, and will catch cold. The floods will
stop your carriage. No sooner will it have passed the city barriers than
it will break down, purposely break down. Here, in St. Petersburg, they
are bad builders of carriages. Yes, I know well these carriage-builders.
They are jerry-builders who can fashion a toy, but nothing that is
durable. Yes, I swear they can make nothing that is durable. . . . All that
I can do is to go upon my knees before Monsieur Bwikov, and to tell him
all, to tell him all. Do you also tell him all, dearest, and reason with
him. Tell him that you MUST remain here, and must not go. Ah, why did he
not marry that merchant’s daughter in Moscow? Let him go and marry her
now. She would suit him far better and for reasons which I well know.
Then I could keep you. For what is he to you, this Monsieur Bwikov? Why
has he suddenly become so dear to your heart? Is it because he can buy
you gewgaws? What are THEY? What use are THEY? They are so much rubbish.
One should consider human life rather than mere finery.
Nevertheless, as soon as I have received my next instalment of salary I
mean to buy you a new cloak. I mean to buy it at a shop with which I
am acquainted. Only, you must wait until my next installment is due, my
angel of a Barbara. Ah, God, my God! To think that you are going away
into the Steppes with Monsieur Bwikov--that you are going away never
to return! . . . Nay, nay, but you SHALL write to me. You SHALL write me
a letter as soon as you have started, even if it be your last letter of
all, my dearest. Yet will it be your last letter? How has it come about
so suddenly, so irrevocably, that this letter should be your last? Nay,
nay; I will write, and you shall write--yes, NOW, when at length I am
beginning to improve my style. Style? I do not know what I am writing. I
never do know what I am writing. I could not possibly know, for I never
read over what I have written, nor correct its orthography. At the
present moment, I am writing merely for the sake of writing, and to put
as much as possible into this last letter of mine. . . .
Ah, dearest, my pet, my own darling! . . .
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