No More Learning

no, madam, his foe, his utter
enemy; I shall be his ruin, I shall undo him.

_L. Dunce. _ You may, if you please, then come both and play
at cards this evening with me for an hour or two; for I have
contrived it so, that Sir Davy is to be abroad at supper
to-night; he cannot possibly avoid it; I long to win some of
the captain's money strangely.

_Sir Jol. _ Do you so, my gamester? Well, I'll be sure to bring
him, and for what he carries about him, I'll warrant you--odd,
he's a pretty fellow, a very pretty fellow, he has only one
fault.

_L. Dunce. _ And what is that I beseech you, sir?

_Sir Jol. _ Only too loving, too good-natured, that's all; 'tis
certainly the best-natured fool breathing, that's all his fault.

_L. Dunce. _ Hist, hist, I think I see company coming; if you
please, Sir Jolly, we'll go in.

_Enter_ BEAUGARD, _followed by_ Sir DAVY _and_
VERMIN.

_Sir Jol. _ Mum, mum, mum, 'tis he himself, the very same; odds
so, Sir Davy after him too! Hush, hush, hush, let us be gone,
let us retire. Do but look upon him now, mind him a little;
there's a shape, there's an air, there's a motion! Ah, rogue,
ah, devil, get you in, get you in, I say. There's a shape for
you! [_Exit_ Lady DUNCE.

_Beau. _ What the devil shall I do to recover this day's loss
again? my honourable pimp too, my pander knight has forsaken
me; methinks I am quandaried, like one going with a party to
discover the enemy's camp, but had lost his guide upon the
mountains. Curse on him, old Argus is here again; there can be
no good fortune towards me when he's at my heels.

_Sir Dav. _ Sir, sir, sir, one word with you, sir! Captain,
captain, noble captain, one word, I beseech you.

_Beau. _ With me, friend?

_Sir Dav. _ Yes, with you, my no-friend.

_Beau. _ Sir Davy, my intimate, my bosom-physician!

_Sir Dav. _ Ah, rogue! damned rogue!

_Beau. _ My confessor, my dearest friend I ever had!

_Sir Dav. _ Dainty wheedle, here's a fellow for ye!

_Beau. _ One that has taught me to be in love with virtue, and
shown me the ugly inside of my follies.

_Sir Dav. _ Sir, your humble servant.

_Beau. _ Is that all? if you are as cold in your love as you are
in your friendship, Sir Davy, your lady has the worst time on't
of any one in Christendom.

_Sir Dav. _ So she has, sir, when she cannot be free from the
impudent solicitations of such fellows as you are, sir.

_Beau. _ As me, sir! why, who am I, good Sir Domine Doddlepate?

_Sir Dav. _ So, take notice he threatens me; I'll have him
bound to the peace instantly. Will you never have remorse of
conscience, friend? have you banished all shame from your soul?
Do you consider my name is Sir Davy Dunce? that I have the most
virtuous wife living? do you consider that? Now how like a
rogue he looks again! what a hang-dog leer was that!

_Beau. _ Your virtuous wife, sir! you are always harping upon
that string, Sir Davy.

_Sir Dav. _ No, 'tis you would be harping upon that string,
sir: see you this? cast your eyes upon this, this letter, sir.
Did you not promise, this very day, to abandon all manner of
proceedings of this nature, tending to the dishonour of me and
my family?

_Beau. _ Letter, sir! What the devil does he mean now? Let me
see, "For the Lady Dunce"; this is no scrawl of mine, I'll be
sworn; by Jove, her own hand! what a dog was I! forty to one
but I had played the fool, and spoiled all again. Was there
ever so charming a creature breathing! --Did your lady deliver
this to your hands, sir?

_Sir Dav. _ Even her own self in person, sir, and bade me tell
you, sir, that she has too just an esteem of me, sir, not to
value such a fellow as you are as you deserve.

_Beau. _ Very good: [_Reads_] "I doubt not but this letter will
surprise you"--in troth, and so it does extremely--"but reflect
upon the manner of conveying it to your hand as kindly as you
can. "

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, a damned thief, to have it thrown into the chair
by a footman.

_Beau. _ [_Reads. _] "Would Sir Davy were but half so kind to you
as I am! "

_Sir Dav. _ Say you so, you insinuating knave?

_Beau. _ [_Reads. _] "But he, I am satisfied, is so severely
jealous, that except you contrive some way to let me see you
this evening, I fear all will be hopeless. "

_Sir Dav. _ Impudent traitor! I might have been a monster yet,
before I had got my supper in my belly.

_Beau. _ [_Reads. _] "In order to which, either appear yourself,
or somebody for you, half an hour hence in the Piazza, where
more may be considered of. Adieu. "

_Sir Dav. _ Thanks to you, noble sir, with all my heart; you
are come, I see, accordingly; but, as a friend, I am bound in
conscience to tell you the business won't do; the trick won't
pass, friend; you may put up your pipes, and march off. O Lord!
he lie with my wife! pugh--he make Sir Davy Dunce a cuckold!
poor wretch, ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Jol. _ [_To_ BEAUGARD] Hist, hist, hist!

_Re-enter_ Lady DUNCE _and_ FOURBIN _disguised_.

_L. Dunce. _ That's he, there he is: succeed, and be rewarded.

_Four. _ Other people may think what they please; but, in my
own opinion, I am a very pretty fellow now; if my design but
succeed upon this old baboon, I'll be canonized. Sir, sir, sir.

_Sir Dav. _ Friend, with me? would you speak with me, friend?

_Four. _ Sir, my commands were to attend your worship.

_Sir Jol. _ Beaugard, Beaugard, hist, hist, here, here, quickly,
hist. [_Exeunt_ Sir JOLLY _and_ BEAUGARD.

_Sir Dav. _ Where do you live, sweetheart, and who do you belong
to?

_Four. _ Sir, I am a small instrument of the city, I serve the
lord mayor in his office there.

_Sir Dav. _ How, the lord mayor!

_Four. _ Yes, sir, who desires you, by all means, to do him the
honour of your company at supper this evening.

_Sir Dav. _ It will be the greatest honour I ever received in
my life. What, my lord mayor invite me to supper? I am his
lordship's most humble servant.

_Four. _ Yes, sir, if your name be Sir Davy Dunce, as I have the
honour to be informed it is: he desires you moreover to make
what haste you can, for that he has some matters of importance
to communicate to your honour, which may take up some time.

_L. Dunce. _ I hope it will succeed. [_Aside. _

_Sir Dav. _ Communicate with me! he does me too noble a favour;
I'll fly upon the wings of ambition to lay myself at his
footstool. My lord mayor sends himself to invite me to supper;
to confer with me too! I shall certainly be a great man.

_Four. _ What answer will your worship charge me back withal?

_Sir Dav. _ Let his lordship know that I am amazed and
confounded at his generosity; and that I am so transported
with the honour he does me, that I will not fail to wait on him
in the roasting of an egg.

_Four. _ I am your worship's lowly slave. [_Exit. _

_Sir Dav. _ Vermin, go get the coach ready; get me the gold
medal too and chain, which I took from the Roman Catholic
officer for a popish relic [_Exit_ VERMIN. ] I'll be fine, I'll
shine, and drink wine that's divine. My lord mayor invite me to
supper!

_L. Dunce. _ My dearest, I'm glad to see thee returned in
safety, from the bottom of my heart: hast thou seen the traitor?

_Sir Dav. _ Seen him! hang him, I have seen him: pox on him,
seen him!

_L. Dunce. _ Well, and what is become of him? where is he?

_Sir Dav. _ Why dost thou ask me where he is? What a pox care
I what becomes of him? Pr'ythee don't trouble me with thy
impertinence; I am busy.

_L. Dunce. _ You are not angry, my dear, are you?

_Sir Dav. _ No, but I am pleased, and that's all one; very much
pleased, let me tell you but that; I am only to sup with my
lord mayor, that's all; nothing else in the world, only the
business of the nation calls upon me, that's all; therefore,
once more I say, don't be troublesome, but stand off.

_L. Dunce. _ You always think my company troublesome; you never
stay at home to comfort me; what think you I shall do alone by
myself all this evening, moping in my chamber? Pray, my joy,
stay with me for once. --I hope he won't take me at my word.
[_Aside. _

_Sir Dav. _ I say again and again, tempter, stand off; I will
not lose my preferment for my pleasure; honour is towards me,
and flesh and blood are my aversion.

_L. Dunce. _ But how long will you stay then?

_Sir Dav. _ I don't know; may be not an hour, may be all night,
as his lordship and I think fit; what's that to anybody?

_L. Dunce. _ You are very cruel to me.

_Sir Dav. _ I can't help it; go, get you in, and pass away the
time with your neighbour; I'll be back again before I die; in
the mean time, be humble and conformable, go.

_Re-enter_ VERMIN.

Is the coach ready?

_Ver. _ Yes, sir.

_Sir Dav. _ Well, your servant.
What, nothing to my lady
mayoress? You have a great deal of breeding indeed, a great
deal! nothing to my lady mayoress?

_L. Dunce. _ My service to her, if you please.

_Sir Dav. _ Well, da, da--the poor fool cries, o' my conscience!
adieu, do you hear, farewell. [_Exit. _

_L. Dunce. _ As well as what I love can make me.

_Re-enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.

_Sir Jol. _ Madam, is he gone?

_L. Dunce. _ In post-haste, I assure you.

_Sir Jol. _ In troth, and joy go with him!

_L. Dunce. _ Do you then, Sir Jolly, conduct the captain hither,
whilst I go and dispose of the family, that we may be private.
[_Exeunt. _

[Illustration]


SCENE II. --_A Room in_ Sir DAVY DUNCE'S _House_.

_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.

_Sir Dav. _ Troth, I had forgot my medal and chain, quite,
and clean forgot my relic; I was forced to come up these
back stairs, for fear of meeting my wife again; it is the
troublesomest loving fool! I must into my closet, and write a
short letter too; 'tis post-night, I had forgot that: well, I
would not have my wife catch me for a guinea. [_Exit. _

_Enter_ BEAUGARD _and_ Lady DUNCE.

_Beau. _ Are you very certain, madam, nobody is this way? I
fancy, as we entered, I saw the glimpse of something more than
ordinary.

_L. Dunce. _ Is it your care of me, or your personal fears, that
make you so suspicious? Whereabouts was the apparition?

_Beau. _ There, there, just at the very door.

_L. Dunce. _ Fie for shame! that's Sir Davy's closet; and he,
I am satisfied, is far enough off by this time. I'm sure I
heard the coach drive him away. But to convince you, you shall
see now: Sir Davy, Sir Davy, Sir Davy. [_Knocking at the
closet-door. _] Look you there, you a captain, and afraid of a
shadow! Come, sir, shall we call for the cards?

_Beau. _ And what shall we play for, pretty one?

_L. Dunce. _ E'en what you think best, sir.

_Beau. _ Silver kisses, or golden joys? Come, let us make stakes
a little.

_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE, _unobserved_.

_Sir Jol. _ Ah rogue, ah rogue! are you there? Have I caught you
in faith, now, now, now? [_Aside. _

_L. Dunce. _ And who shall keep them?

_Beau. _ You, till Sir Davy returns from supper.

_L. Dunce. _ That may be long enough; for our engine Fourbin has
orders not to give him over suddenly, I assure you.

_Beau. _ And is't to yourself, then, I'm obliged for this blest
opportunity? Let us improve it to love's best advantage.

_Sir Jol. _ Ah--ah! [_Aside. _

_Beau. _ Let's vow eternal, and raise our thoughts to
expectation of immortal pleasures: in one another's eyes let's
read our joys, till we've no longer power o'er our desires,
drunk with this dissolving. Oh!

_Re-enter_ Sir _Davy Dunce from his closet_.

_L. Dunce. _ Ah! [_Squeaks. _

_Beau. _ By this light, the cuckold! Presto, nay, then halloo!
[_Gets up, and runs away. _

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord, a man--a man in my wife's chamber! Murder!
murder! Thieves! thieves! shut up my doors! Madam! madam! madam!

_Sir Jol. _ Ay, ay! Thieves! thieves! Murder! murder! Where,
neighbour, where, where?

_L. Dunce. _ [_Catches up_ BEAUGARD's _sword, which he had
left behind him in the hurry, and presents it to_ Sir DAVY. ]
Pierce, pierce this wretched heart hard to the hilts; dye this
in the deepest crimson of my blood; spare not a miserable
woman's life, whom Heaven designed to be the unhappy object of
the most horrid usage man e'er acted.

_Sir Dav. _ What, in the name of Satan, does she mean now?

_L. Dunce. _ Curse on my fatal beauty! blasted ever be these two
baneful eyes, that could inspire a barbarous villain to attempt
such crimes as all my blood's too little to atone for: nay, you
shall hear me--

_Sir Dav. _ Hear you, madam! No, I have seen too much, I thank
you heartily; hear you, quoth-a!

_L. Dunce. _ Yes, and before I die too, I'll be justified.

_Sir Dav. _ Justified, O Lord, justified!

_L. Dunce. _ Notice being given me of your return, I came with
speed to this unhappy place, where I have oft been blest with
your embraces, when from behind the arras out starts Beaugard;
how he came there Heaven knows.

_Sir Dav. _ I'll have him hanged for burglary; he has broken my
house, and broke the peace upon my wife: very good.

_L. Dunce. _ Straight in his arms he grasped me fast; with much
ado I plunged and got my freedom, ran to your closet-door,
knocked and implored your aid, called on your name; but all in
vain--

_Sir Dav. _ Ha!

_L. Dunce. _ Soon again he seized me, stopped my mouth, and,
with a conqueror's fury--

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord! O Lord! no more, no more, I beseech thee;
I shall grow mad, and very mad! I'll plough up rocks and
adamantine iron bars; I'll crack the frame of nature, sally out
like Tamberlane upon the Trojan horse, and drive the pigmies
all like geese before me. O Lord, stop her mouth! Well, and
how? and what then? stopped thy mouth! well! ha!

_L. Dunce. _ No, though unfortunate, I still am innocent; his
cursed purpose could not be accomplished; but who will live so
injured? No, I'll die to be revenged on myself: I ne'er can
hope that I may see his streaming gore; and thus I let out my
own-- [_Offers to run upon the sword. _

_Sir Dav. _ Ha, what wouldst thou do, my love? Pr'ythee don't
break my heart: if thou wilt kill, kill me; I know thou art
innocent, I see thou art; though I had rather be a cuckold a
thousand times, than lose thee, poor love, poor dearee, poor
baby.

_Sir Jol. _ Alack-a-day! [_Weeps. _

_L. Dunce. _ Ah me!

_Sir Dav. _ Ah, pr'ythee be comforted now, pr'ythee do; why,
I'll love thee the better for this, for all this, mun; why
shouldst be troubled for another's ill doings? I know it was no
fault of thine.

_Sir Jol. _ No, no more it was not, I dare swear. [_Aside. _

_Sir Dav. _ See, see, my neighbour weeps too; he's troubled to
see thee thus.

_L. Dunce. _ Oh, but revenge!

_Sir Dav. _ Why, thou shalt have revenge; I'll have him
murdered; I'll have his throat cut before to-morrow morning,
child: rise now, pr'ythee rise.

_Sir Jol. _ Ay, do, madam, and smile upon Sir Davy.

_L. Dunce. _ But will you love me then as well as e'er you did?

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, and the longest day I live too.

_L. Dunce. _ And shall I have justice done me on that prodigious
monster?

_Sir Dav. _ Why, he shall be crows'-meat by to-morrow night; I
tell thee he shall be crows'-meat by midnight, chicken.

_L. Dunce. _ Then I will live; since so, 'tis something pleasant:

When I in peace may lead a happy life
With such a husband--

_Sir Dav. _ I with such a wife. [_Exeunt. _

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

FOOTNOTES:

[40] Rosamond's Pond (not Ponds) was at the S. W. side of St. James's
Park. It was filled up more than a century ago.




ACT THE FOURTH.


SCENE 1. --_A Tavern. _

_Enter_ BEAUGARD, COURTINE, _and_ Drawer.

_Draw. _ Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome, sir; will you please
to walk up one pair of stairs?