I can do so many things by myself and
unaided?
Aristophanes
we set you free.
PLUTUS. Listen then, since I must reveal what I had intended to keep a
secret. I am Plutus. [739]
CHREMYLUS. Oh! you wretched rascal! You Plutus all the while, and you
never said so!
CARIO. You, Plutus, and in this piteous guise!
CHREMYLUS. Oh, Phoebus Apollo! oh, ye gods of heaven and hell! Oh, Zeus!
is it really and truly as you say?
PLUTUS. Aye.
CHREMYLUS. Plutus' very own self?
PLUTUS. His own very self and none other.
CHREMYLUS. But tell me, whence come you to be so squalid?
PLUTUS. I have just left Patrocles' house, who has not had a bath since
his birth. [740]
CHREMYLUS. But your infirmity; how did that happen? Tell me.
PLUTUS. Zeus inflicted it on me, because of his jealousy of mankind. When
I was young, I threatened him that I would only go to the just, the wise,
the men of ordered life; to prevent my distinguishing these, he struck me
with blindness! so much does he envy the good!
CHREMYLUS. And yet, 'tis only the upright and just who honour him.
PLUTUS. Quite true.
CHREMYLUS. Therefore, if ever you recovered your sight, you would shun
the wicked?
PLUTUS. Undoubtedly.
CHREMYLUS. You would visit the good?
PLUTUS. Assuredly. It is a very long time since I saw them.
CHREMYLUS. That's not astonishing. I, who see clearly, don't see a single
one.
PLUTUS. Now let me leave you, for I have told you everything.
CHREMYLUS. No, certainly not! we shall fasten ourselves on to you faster
than ever.
PLUTUS. Did I not tell you, you were going to plague me?
CHREMYLUS. Oh! I adjure you, believe what I say and don't leave me; for
you will seek in vain for a more honest man than myself.
CARIO. There is only one man more worthy; and that is I.
PLUTUS. All talk like this, but as soon as they secure my favours and
grow rich, their wickedness knows no bounds.
CHREMYLUS. And yet all men are not wicked.
PLUTUS. All. There's no exception.
CARIO. You shall pay for that opinion.
CHREMYLUS. Listen to what happiness there is in store for you, if you but
stay with us. I have hope; aye, I have good hope with the god's help to
deliver you from that blindness, in fact to restore your sight.
PLUTUS. Oh! do nothing of the kind, for I don't wish to recover it.
CHREMYLUS. What's that you say?
CARIO. This fellow hugs his own misery.
PLUTUS. If you were mad enough to cure me, and Zeus heard of it, he would
overwhelm me with his anger.
CHREMYLUS. And is he not doing this now by leaving you to grope your
wandering way?
PLUTUS. I don't know; but I'm horribly afraid of him.
CHREMYLUS. Indeed? Ah! you are the biggest poltroon of all the gods! Why,
Zeus with his throne and his lightnings would not be worth an obolus if
you recovered your sight, were it but for a few instants.
PLUTUS. Impious man, don't talk like that.
CHREMYLUS. Fear nothing! I will prove to you that you are far more
powerful and mightier than he.
PLUTUS. I mightier than he?
CHREMYLUS. Aye, by heaven! For instance, what is the origin of the power
that Zeus wields over the other gods? [741]
CARIO. 'Tis money; he has so much of it.
CHREMYLUS. And who gives it to him?
CARIO (_pointing to Plutus_). This fellow.
CHREMYLUS. If sacrifices are offered to him, is not Plutus their cause?
CARIO. Undoubtedly, for 'tis wealth that all demand and clamour most
loudly for.
CHREMYLUS. Thus 'tis Plutus who is the fount of all the honours rendered
to Zeus, whose worship he can wither up at the root, if it so please him.
PLUTUS. And how so?
CHREMYLUS. Not an ox, nor a cake, nor indeed anything at all could be
offered, if you did not wish it.
PLUTUS. Why?
CHREMYLUS. Why? but what means are there to buy anything if you are not
there to give the money? Hence if Zeus should cause you any trouble, you
will destroy his power without other help.
PLUTUS. So 'tis because of me that sacrifices are offered to him?
CHREMYLUS. Most assuredly. Whatever is dazzling, beautiful or charming in
the eyes of mankind, comes from you. Does not everything depend on
wealth?
CARIO. I myself was bought for a few coins; if I'm a slave, 'tis only
because I was not rich.
CHREMYLUS. And what of the Corinthian courtesans? [742] If a poor man
offers them proposals, they do not listen; but if it be a rich one,
instantly they offer their buttocks for his pleasure.
CARIO. 'Tis the same with the lads; they care not for love, to them money
means everything.
CHREMYLUS. You speak of those who accept all comers; yet some of them are
honest, and 'tis not money they ask of their patrons.
CARIO. What then?
CHREMYLUS. A fine horse, a pack of hounds.
CARIO. Aye, they would blush to ask for money and cleverly disguise their
shame.
CHREMYLUS. 'Tis in you that every art, all human inventions, have had
their origin; 'tis through you that one man sits cutting leather in his
shop.
CARIO. That another fashions iron or wood.
CHREMYLUS. That yet another chases the gold he has received from you.
CARIO. That one is a fuller.
CHREMYLUS. That t'other washes wool.
CARIO. That this one is a tanner.
CHREMYLUS. And that other sells onions.
CARIO. And if the adulterer, caught red-handed, is depilated,[743] 'tis
on account of you. [744]
PLUTUS. Oh! great gods! I knew naught of all this!
CARIO. Is it not he who lends the Great King all his pride?
CHREMYLUS. Is it not he who draws the citizens to the Assembly? [745]
CARIO. And tell me, is it not you who equip the triremes? [746]
CHREMYLUS. And who feed our mercenaries at Corinth? [747]
CARIO. Are not you the cause of Pamphilus' sufferings? [748]
CHREMYLUS. And of the needle-seller's[749] with Pamphilus?
CARIO. Is it not because of you that Agyrrhius[750] lets wind so loudly?
CHREMYLUS. And that Philepsius[751] rolls off his fables?
CARIO. That troops are sent to succour the Egyptians? [752]
CHREMYLUS. And that La? s is kept by Philonides? [753]
CARIO. That the tower of Timotheus[754] . . .
CHREMYLUS. . . . (_To Cario. _) May it fall upon your head! (_To Plutus. _)
In short, Plutus, 'tis through you that everything is done; be it known
to you that you are the sole cause both of good and evil.
CARIO. In war, 'tis the flag under which you serve that victory favours.
PLUTUS. What!
I can do so many things by myself and unaided?
CHREMYLUS. And many others besides; wherefore men are never tired of your
gifts. They get weary of all else,--of love . . .
CARIO. Of bread.
CHREMYLUS. Of music.
CARIO. Of sweetmeats.
CHREMYLUS. Of honours.
CARIO. Of cakes.
CHREMYLUS. Of battles.
CARIO. Of figs.
CHREMYLUS. Of ambition.
CARIO. Of gruel.
CHREMYLUS. Of military advancement.
CARIO. Of lentils. [755]
CHREMYLUS. But of you they never tire. Has a man got thirteen talents, he
has all the greater ardour to possess sixteen; is that wish achieved, he
will want forty or will complain that he knows not how to make the two
ends meet.
PLUTUS. All this, methinks, is very true; there is but one point that
makes me feel a bit uneasy.
CHREMYLUS. And that is?
PLUTUS. How could I use this power, which you say I have?
CHREMYLUS. Ah! they were quite right who said, there's nothing more
timorous than Plutus.
PLUTUS. No, no; it was a thief who calumniated me. Having broken into a
house, he found everything locked up and could take nothing, so he dubbed
my prudence fear.
CHREMYLUS. Don't be disturbed; if you support me zealously, I'll make you
more sharp-sighted than Lynceus. [756]
PLUTUS. And how should you be able to do that, you, who are but a mortal?
CHREMYLUS. I have great hope, after the answer Apollo gave me, shaking
his sacred laurels the while.
PLUTUS. Is _he_ in the plot then?
CHREMYLUS. Aye, truly.
PLUTUS. Take care what you say.
CHREMYLUS. Never fear, friend; for, be well assured, that if it has to
cost me my life, I will carry out what I have in my head.
CARIO. And I will help you, if you permit it.
CHREMYLUS. We shall have many other helpers as well--all the worthy folk
who are wanting for bread.
PLUTUS. Ah! ha! they'll prove sorry helpers.
CHREMYLUS. No, not so, once they've grown rich. But you, Cario, run quick
. . .
CARIO. Where?
CHREMYLUS. . . . to call my comrades, the other husbandmen, that each of
them may come here to take his share of the gifts of Plutus.
CARIO. I'm off. But let someone come from the house to take this morsel
of meat. [757]
CHREMYLUS. I'll see to that; you run your hardest. As for you, Plutus,
the most excellent of all the gods, come in here with me; this is the
house you must fill with riches today, by fair means or foul. [758]
PLUTUS. I don't like at all going into other folks' houses in this
manner; I have never got any good from it. If I got inside a miser's
house, straightway he would bury me deep underground; if some honest
fellow among his friends came to ask him for the smallest coin, he would
deny ever having seen me. Then if I went to a fool's house, he would
sacrifice me as a prey to gaming and to girls, and very soon I should be
completely stripped and pitched out of doors.
CHREMYLUS. That's because you have never met a man who knew how to avoid
the two extremes; moderation is the strong point in my character. I love
saving as much as anybody, and I know how to spend, when 'tis needed. But
let us go in; I want to make you known to my wife and to my only son,
whom I love most of all after yourself.
PLUTUS. Aye, after myself, I'm very sure of that.
CHREMYLUS. Why should I hide the truth from you?
CARIO. Come, you active workers, who, like my master, eat nothing but
garlic and the poorest food, you who are his friends and his neighbours,
hasten your steps, hurry yourselves; there's not a moment to lose; this
is the critical hour, when your presence and your support is needed by
him.
CHORUS. Why, don't you see we are speeding as fast as men can, who are
already enfeebled by age? But do you deem it fitting to make us run like
this before ever telling us why your master has called us?
CARIO. I've grown hoarse with the telling, but you won't listen. My
master is going to drag you all out of the stupid, sapless life you are
leading and ensure you one full of all delights.
CHORUS. And how is he going to manage that?
CARIO. My poor friends, he has brought with him a disgusting old fellow,
all bent and wrinkled, with a most pitiful appearance, bald and
toothless; upon my word, I even believe he is circumcised like some vile
barbarian.
CHORUS. These are news worth their weight in gold! What are you saying?
Repeat it to me; no doubt it means he is bringing back a heap of wealth.
CARIO. No, but a heap of all the infirmities attendant on old age.
CHORUS. If you are tricking us, you shall pay us for it. Beware of our
sticks!
CARIO. Do you deem me so brazen as all that, and my words mere lies?
CHORUS. What serious airs the rascal puts on! Look! his legs are already
shrieking, "oh! oh! " they are asking for the shackles and wedges.
CARIO. 'Tis in the tomb that 'tis your lot to judge. Why don't you go
there? Charon has given you your ticket. [759]
CHORUS. Plague take you! you cursed rascal, who rail at us and have not
even the heart to tell us why your master has made us come. We were
pressed for time and tired out, yet we came with all haste, and in our
hurry we have passed by lots of wild onions without even gathering them.
CARIO. I will no longer conceal the truth from you. Friends, 'tis Plutus
whom my master brings, Plutus, who will give you riches.
CHORUS. What! we shall really all become rich!
CARIO. Aye, certainly; you will then be Midases, provided you grow ass's
ears.
CHORUS. What joy, what happiness! If what you tell me is true, I long to
dance with delight.
CARIO. And I too, threttanello! [760] I want to imitate Cyclops and lead
your troop by stamping like this. [761] Do you, my dear little ones, cry,
aye, cry again and bleat forth the plaintive song of the sheep and of the
stinking goats; follow me with erected organs like lascivious goats ready
for action.
CHORUS. As for us, threttanello! we will seek you, dear Cyclops,
bleating, and if we find you with your wallet full of fresh herbs, all
disgusting in your filth, sodden with wine and sleeping in the midst of
your sheep, we will seize a great flaming stake and burn out your
eye. [762]
CARIO. I will copy that Circe of Corinth,[763] whose potent philtres
compelled the companions of Philonides to swallow balls of dung, which
she herself had kneaded with her hands, as if they were swine; and do you
too grunt with joy and follow your mother, my little pigs.
CHORUS. Oh! Circe[764] with the potent philtres, who besmear your
companions so filthily, what pleasure I shall have in imitating the son
of Laertes! I will hang you up by your testicles,[765] I will rub your
nose with dung like a goat, and like Aristyllus[766] you shall say
through your half-opened lips, "Follow your mother, my little pigs. "
CARIO. Enough of tomfoolery, assume a grave demeanour; unknown to my
master I am going to take bread and meat; and when I have fed well, I
shall resume my work.
CHREMYLUS. To say, "Hail! my dear neighbours! " is an old form of greeting
and well worn with use; so therefore I embrace you, because you have not
crept like tortoises, but have come rushing here in all haste. Now help
me to watch carefully and closely over the god.
CHORUS. Be at ease. You shall see with what martial zeal I will guard
him. What! we jostle each other at the Assembly for three obols, and am I
going to let Plutus in person be stolen from me?
CHREMYLUS. But I see Blepsidemus; by his bearing and his haste I can
readily see he knows or suspects something.
BLEPSIDEMUS. What has happened then? Whence, how has Chremylus suddenly
grown rich? I don't believe a word of it. Nevertheless, nothing but his
sudden fortune was being talked about in the barbers' booths. But I am
above all surprised that his good fortune has not made him forget his
friends; that is not the usual way!
CHREMYLUS. By the gods, Blepsidemus, I will hide nothing from you. To-day
things are better than yesterday; let us share, for are you not my
friend?
BLEPSIDEMUS. Have you really grown rich as they say?
CHREMYLUS I shall be soon, if the god agrees to it. But there is still
some risk to run.
BLEPSIDEMUS. What risk?
CHREMYLUS. What risk?
BLEPSIDEMUS. What do you mean? Explain.
CHREMYLUS. If we succeed, we are happy for ever, but if we fail, it is
all over with us.
BLEPSIDEMUS. 'Tis a bad business, and one that doesn't please me! To grow
rich all at once and yet to be fearful! ah! I suspect something that's
little good.
CHREMYLUS. What do you mean, that's little good?
BLEPSIDEMUS. No doubt you have just stolen some gold and silver from some
temple and are repenting.
PLUTUS. Listen then, since I must reveal what I had intended to keep a
secret. I am Plutus. [739]
CHREMYLUS. Oh! you wretched rascal! You Plutus all the while, and you
never said so!
CARIO. You, Plutus, and in this piteous guise!
CHREMYLUS. Oh, Phoebus Apollo! oh, ye gods of heaven and hell! Oh, Zeus!
is it really and truly as you say?
PLUTUS. Aye.
CHREMYLUS. Plutus' very own self?
PLUTUS. His own very self and none other.
CHREMYLUS. But tell me, whence come you to be so squalid?
PLUTUS. I have just left Patrocles' house, who has not had a bath since
his birth. [740]
CHREMYLUS. But your infirmity; how did that happen? Tell me.
PLUTUS. Zeus inflicted it on me, because of his jealousy of mankind. When
I was young, I threatened him that I would only go to the just, the wise,
the men of ordered life; to prevent my distinguishing these, he struck me
with blindness! so much does he envy the good!
CHREMYLUS. And yet, 'tis only the upright and just who honour him.
PLUTUS. Quite true.
CHREMYLUS. Therefore, if ever you recovered your sight, you would shun
the wicked?
PLUTUS. Undoubtedly.
CHREMYLUS. You would visit the good?
PLUTUS. Assuredly. It is a very long time since I saw them.
CHREMYLUS. That's not astonishing. I, who see clearly, don't see a single
one.
PLUTUS. Now let me leave you, for I have told you everything.
CHREMYLUS. No, certainly not! we shall fasten ourselves on to you faster
than ever.
PLUTUS. Did I not tell you, you were going to plague me?
CHREMYLUS. Oh! I adjure you, believe what I say and don't leave me; for
you will seek in vain for a more honest man than myself.
CARIO. There is only one man more worthy; and that is I.
PLUTUS. All talk like this, but as soon as they secure my favours and
grow rich, their wickedness knows no bounds.
CHREMYLUS. And yet all men are not wicked.
PLUTUS. All. There's no exception.
CARIO. You shall pay for that opinion.
CHREMYLUS. Listen to what happiness there is in store for you, if you but
stay with us. I have hope; aye, I have good hope with the god's help to
deliver you from that blindness, in fact to restore your sight.
PLUTUS. Oh! do nothing of the kind, for I don't wish to recover it.
CHREMYLUS. What's that you say?
CARIO. This fellow hugs his own misery.
PLUTUS. If you were mad enough to cure me, and Zeus heard of it, he would
overwhelm me with his anger.
CHREMYLUS. And is he not doing this now by leaving you to grope your
wandering way?
PLUTUS. I don't know; but I'm horribly afraid of him.
CHREMYLUS. Indeed? Ah! you are the biggest poltroon of all the gods! Why,
Zeus with his throne and his lightnings would not be worth an obolus if
you recovered your sight, were it but for a few instants.
PLUTUS. Impious man, don't talk like that.
CHREMYLUS. Fear nothing! I will prove to you that you are far more
powerful and mightier than he.
PLUTUS. I mightier than he?
CHREMYLUS. Aye, by heaven! For instance, what is the origin of the power
that Zeus wields over the other gods? [741]
CARIO. 'Tis money; he has so much of it.
CHREMYLUS. And who gives it to him?
CARIO (_pointing to Plutus_). This fellow.
CHREMYLUS. If sacrifices are offered to him, is not Plutus their cause?
CARIO. Undoubtedly, for 'tis wealth that all demand and clamour most
loudly for.
CHREMYLUS. Thus 'tis Plutus who is the fount of all the honours rendered
to Zeus, whose worship he can wither up at the root, if it so please him.
PLUTUS. And how so?
CHREMYLUS. Not an ox, nor a cake, nor indeed anything at all could be
offered, if you did not wish it.
PLUTUS. Why?
CHREMYLUS. Why? but what means are there to buy anything if you are not
there to give the money? Hence if Zeus should cause you any trouble, you
will destroy his power without other help.
PLUTUS. So 'tis because of me that sacrifices are offered to him?
CHREMYLUS. Most assuredly. Whatever is dazzling, beautiful or charming in
the eyes of mankind, comes from you. Does not everything depend on
wealth?
CARIO. I myself was bought for a few coins; if I'm a slave, 'tis only
because I was not rich.
CHREMYLUS. And what of the Corinthian courtesans? [742] If a poor man
offers them proposals, they do not listen; but if it be a rich one,
instantly they offer their buttocks for his pleasure.
CARIO. 'Tis the same with the lads; they care not for love, to them money
means everything.
CHREMYLUS. You speak of those who accept all comers; yet some of them are
honest, and 'tis not money they ask of their patrons.
CARIO. What then?
CHREMYLUS. A fine horse, a pack of hounds.
CARIO. Aye, they would blush to ask for money and cleverly disguise their
shame.
CHREMYLUS. 'Tis in you that every art, all human inventions, have had
their origin; 'tis through you that one man sits cutting leather in his
shop.
CARIO. That another fashions iron or wood.
CHREMYLUS. That yet another chases the gold he has received from you.
CARIO. That one is a fuller.
CHREMYLUS. That t'other washes wool.
CARIO. That this one is a tanner.
CHREMYLUS. And that other sells onions.
CARIO. And if the adulterer, caught red-handed, is depilated,[743] 'tis
on account of you. [744]
PLUTUS. Oh! great gods! I knew naught of all this!
CARIO. Is it not he who lends the Great King all his pride?
CHREMYLUS. Is it not he who draws the citizens to the Assembly? [745]
CARIO. And tell me, is it not you who equip the triremes? [746]
CHREMYLUS. And who feed our mercenaries at Corinth? [747]
CARIO. Are not you the cause of Pamphilus' sufferings? [748]
CHREMYLUS. And of the needle-seller's[749] with Pamphilus?
CARIO. Is it not because of you that Agyrrhius[750] lets wind so loudly?
CHREMYLUS. And that Philepsius[751] rolls off his fables?
CARIO. That troops are sent to succour the Egyptians? [752]
CHREMYLUS. And that La? s is kept by Philonides? [753]
CARIO. That the tower of Timotheus[754] . . .
CHREMYLUS. . . . (_To Cario. _) May it fall upon your head! (_To Plutus. _)
In short, Plutus, 'tis through you that everything is done; be it known
to you that you are the sole cause both of good and evil.
CARIO. In war, 'tis the flag under which you serve that victory favours.
PLUTUS. What!
I can do so many things by myself and unaided?
CHREMYLUS. And many others besides; wherefore men are never tired of your
gifts. They get weary of all else,--of love . . .
CARIO. Of bread.
CHREMYLUS. Of music.
CARIO. Of sweetmeats.
CHREMYLUS. Of honours.
CARIO. Of cakes.
CHREMYLUS. Of battles.
CARIO. Of figs.
CHREMYLUS. Of ambition.
CARIO. Of gruel.
CHREMYLUS. Of military advancement.
CARIO. Of lentils. [755]
CHREMYLUS. But of you they never tire. Has a man got thirteen talents, he
has all the greater ardour to possess sixteen; is that wish achieved, he
will want forty or will complain that he knows not how to make the two
ends meet.
PLUTUS. All this, methinks, is very true; there is but one point that
makes me feel a bit uneasy.
CHREMYLUS. And that is?
PLUTUS. How could I use this power, which you say I have?
CHREMYLUS. Ah! they were quite right who said, there's nothing more
timorous than Plutus.
PLUTUS. No, no; it was a thief who calumniated me. Having broken into a
house, he found everything locked up and could take nothing, so he dubbed
my prudence fear.
CHREMYLUS. Don't be disturbed; if you support me zealously, I'll make you
more sharp-sighted than Lynceus. [756]
PLUTUS. And how should you be able to do that, you, who are but a mortal?
CHREMYLUS. I have great hope, after the answer Apollo gave me, shaking
his sacred laurels the while.
PLUTUS. Is _he_ in the plot then?
CHREMYLUS. Aye, truly.
PLUTUS. Take care what you say.
CHREMYLUS. Never fear, friend; for, be well assured, that if it has to
cost me my life, I will carry out what I have in my head.
CARIO. And I will help you, if you permit it.
CHREMYLUS. We shall have many other helpers as well--all the worthy folk
who are wanting for bread.
PLUTUS. Ah! ha! they'll prove sorry helpers.
CHREMYLUS. No, not so, once they've grown rich. But you, Cario, run quick
. . .
CARIO. Where?
CHREMYLUS. . . . to call my comrades, the other husbandmen, that each of
them may come here to take his share of the gifts of Plutus.
CARIO. I'm off. But let someone come from the house to take this morsel
of meat. [757]
CHREMYLUS. I'll see to that; you run your hardest. As for you, Plutus,
the most excellent of all the gods, come in here with me; this is the
house you must fill with riches today, by fair means or foul. [758]
PLUTUS. I don't like at all going into other folks' houses in this
manner; I have never got any good from it. If I got inside a miser's
house, straightway he would bury me deep underground; if some honest
fellow among his friends came to ask him for the smallest coin, he would
deny ever having seen me. Then if I went to a fool's house, he would
sacrifice me as a prey to gaming and to girls, and very soon I should be
completely stripped and pitched out of doors.
CHREMYLUS. That's because you have never met a man who knew how to avoid
the two extremes; moderation is the strong point in my character. I love
saving as much as anybody, and I know how to spend, when 'tis needed. But
let us go in; I want to make you known to my wife and to my only son,
whom I love most of all after yourself.
PLUTUS. Aye, after myself, I'm very sure of that.
CHREMYLUS. Why should I hide the truth from you?
CARIO. Come, you active workers, who, like my master, eat nothing but
garlic and the poorest food, you who are his friends and his neighbours,
hasten your steps, hurry yourselves; there's not a moment to lose; this
is the critical hour, when your presence and your support is needed by
him.
CHORUS. Why, don't you see we are speeding as fast as men can, who are
already enfeebled by age? But do you deem it fitting to make us run like
this before ever telling us why your master has called us?
CARIO. I've grown hoarse with the telling, but you won't listen. My
master is going to drag you all out of the stupid, sapless life you are
leading and ensure you one full of all delights.
CHORUS. And how is he going to manage that?
CARIO. My poor friends, he has brought with him a disgusting old fellow,
all bent and wrinkled, with a most pitiful appearance, bald and
toothless; upon my word, I even believe he is circumcised like some vile
barbarian.
CHORUS. These are news worth their weight in gold! What are you saying?
Repeat it to me; no doubt it means he is bringing back a heap of wealth.
CARIO. No, but a heap of all the infirmities attendant on old age.
CHORUS. If you are tricking us, you shall pay us for it. Beware of our
sticks!
CARIO. Do you deem me so brazen as all that, and my words mere lies?
CHORUS. What serious airs the rascal puts on! Look! his legs are already
shrieking, "oh! oh! " they are asking for the shackles and wedges.
CARIO. 'Tis in the tomb that 'tis your lot to judge. Why don't you go
there? Charon has given you your ticket. [759]
CHORUS. Plague take you! you cursed rascal, who rail at us and have not
even the heart to tell us why your master has made us come. We were
pressed for time and tired out, yet we came with all haste, and in our
hurry we have passed by lots of wild onions without even gathering them.
CARIO. I will no longer conceal the truth from you. Friends, 'tis Plutus
whom my master brings, Plutus, who will give you riches.
CHORUS. What! we shall really all become rich!
CARIO. Aye, certainly; you will then be Midases, provided you grow ass's
ears.
CHORUS. What joy, what happiness! If what you tell me is true, I long to
dance with delight.
CARIO. And I too, threttanello! [760] I want to imitate Cyclops and lead
your troop by stamping like this. [761] Do you, my dear little ones, cry,
aye, cry again and bleat forth the plaintive song of the sheep and of the
stinking goats; follow me with erected organs like lascivious goats ready
for action.
CHORUS. As for us, threttanello! we will seek you, dear Cyclops,
bleating, and if we find you with your wallet full of fresh herbs, all
disgusting in your filth, sodden with wine and sleeping in the midst of
your sheep, we will seize a great flaming stake and burn out your
eye. [762]
CARIO. I will copy that Circe of Corinth,[763] whose potent philtres
compelled the companions of Philonides to swallow balls of dung, which
she herself had kneaded with her hands, as if they were swine; and do you
too grunt with joy and follow your mother, my little pigs.
CHORUS. Oh! Circe[764] with the potent philtres, who besmear your
companions so filthily, what pleasure I shall have in imitating the son
of Laertes! I will hang you up by your testicles,[765] I will rub your
nose with dung like a goat, and like Aristyllus[766] you shall say
through your half-opened lips, "Follow your mother, my little pigs. "
CARIO. Enough of tomfoolery, assume a grave demeanour; unknown to my
master I am going to take bread and meat; and when I have fed well, I
shall resume my work.
CHREMYLUS. To say, "Hail! my dear neighbours! " is an old form of greeting
and well worn with use; so therefore I embrace you, because you have not
crept like tortoises, but have come rushing here in all haste. Now help
me to watch carefully and closely over the god.
CHORUS. Be at ease. You shall see with what martial zeal I will guard
him. What! we jostle each other at the Assembly for three obols, and am I
going to let Plutus in person be stolen from me?
CHREMYLUS. But I see Blepsidemus; by his bearing and his haste I can
readily see he knows or suspects something.
BLEPSIDEMUS. What has happened then? Whence, how has Chremylus suddenly
grown rich? I don't believe a word of it. Nevertheless, nothing but his
sudden fortune was being talked about in the barbers' booths. But I am
above all surprised that his good fortune has not made him forget his
friends; that is not the usual way!
CHREMYLUS. By the gods, Blepsidemus, I will hide nothing from you. To-day
things are better than yesterday; let us share, for are you not my
friend?
BLEPSIDEMUS. Have you really grown rich as they say?
CHREMYLUS I shall be soon, if the god agrees to it. But there is still
some risk to run.
BLEPSIDEMUS. What risk?
CHREMYLUS. What risk?
BLEPSIDEMUS. What do you mean? Explain.
CHREMYLUS. If we succeed, we are happy for ever, but if we fail, it is
all over with us.
BLEPSIDEMUS. 'Tis a bad business, and one that doesn't please me! To grow
rich all at once and yet to be fearful! ah! I suspect something that's
little good.
CHREMYLUS. What do you mean, that's little good?
BLEPSIDEMUS. No doubt you have just stolen some gold and silver from some
temple and are repenting.
