No More Learning

I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison,
which might consist of about five thousand men—

MARL. The girls like finery.

HARD. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well appointed
with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the
Duke of Marlborough, to George Brooks, that stood next to him—you must
have heard of George Brooks; "I'll pawn my dukedom," says he, "but I
take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. " So——

MARL. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the
meantime? It would help us to carry on the siege with vigour.

HARD. Punch, sir! (_Aside. _) This is the most unaccountable kind of
modesty I ever met with.

MARL. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will
be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know.

HARD. Here's cup, sir.

MARL. (_Aside. _) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let us
have just what he pleases.

HARD. (_Taking the cup. _) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I have
prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the ingredients
are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? Here, Mr.
Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance.

_Drinks. _

MARL. (_Aside. _) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, and
I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you.

_Drinks. _

HAST. (_Aside. _) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and
forgets that he's an inn-keeper, before he has learned to be a
gentleman.

MARL. From the excellence of your cup my old friend, I suppose you have
a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and
then, at elections, I suppose.

HARD. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our betters have
hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there's no business _for
us that sell ale_.

HAST. So, then you have no turn for politics I see.

HARD. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted myself
about the mistakes of government, like other people; but, finding
myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better,
I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about
_Heyder Alley_, or _Ally Cawn_, than about _Ally Croaker_. —Sir, my
service to you.

HAST. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below; with
receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a
good pleasant bustling life of it.

HARD. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the
differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour.

MARL. (_After drinking. _) And you have an argument in your cup, old
gentleman, better than any in Westminster Hall.

HARD. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy.

MARL. (_Aside. _) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an
inn-keeper's philosophy!

HAST. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every
quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your
philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with
this. —Here's your health, my philosopher.

_Drinks. _

HARD. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in
mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of
Belgrade. You shall hear.

MARL. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I think it's almost time to
talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for
supper?

HARD. For supper, sir! (_Aside. _) Was ever such a request to a man in
his own house?

MARL. Yes, sir; supper, sir: I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make
devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.

HARD. (_Aside. _) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. (_To
him. _) Why really, sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy,
and the cook-maid, settle these things between them. I leave these kind
of things entirely to them.

MARL. You do, do you?

HARD. Entirely. By-the-by, I believe they are in actual consultation,
upon what's for supper, this moment in the kitchen.

MARL. Then I beg they'll admit _me_ as one of their privy council. It's
a way I have got. When I travel, I always choose to regulate my own
supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir.

HARD. O no, sir, none in the least; yet, I don't know how, our Bridget,
the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these occasions. Should
we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house.

HAST. Let's see the list of the larder then. I ask it as a favour. I
always match my appetite to my bill of fare.

MARL. (_To_ HARDCASTLE, _who looks at them with surprise_. ) Sir, he's
very right, and it's my way too.

HARD. Sir, you have a right to command here. Roger, bring us the bill
of fare for to-night's supper. I believe it's drawn up. Your manner,
Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a
saying of his that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it.

HAST. (_Aside. _) All upon the high ropes! His uncle a colonel! we shall
soon hear of his mother being a justice of peace. But let's hear the
bill of fare.

MARL. (_Perusing. _) What's here? For the first course; for the second
course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought
down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Bedford, to eat
up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable,
will do.

HAST. But let's hear it.

MARL. (_Reading. _) For the first course at the top, a pig, and pruin
sauce.

HAST. Damn your pig, I say.

MARL. And damn your pruin sauce, say I.

HARD. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig, with pruin
sauce, is very good eating.

MARL. At the bottom, a calf's tongue and brains.

HAST. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir; I don't like them.

MARL. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do.

HARD. (_Aside. _) Their impudence confounds me. (_To them. _) Gentlemen,
you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there any thing
else you wish to retrench, or alter, gentlemen?

MARL. Item, A pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a florentine, a
shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff—taff—taffety cream!

HAST. Confound your made dishes. I shall be as much at a loss in this
house, as at a green and yellow dinner, at the French ambassador's
table. I'm for plain eating.

[Illustration:

HASTINGS. —"_Let your brains be knocked
out, my good sir; I don't like them. _"—_p. _ 338.
]


HARD. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like; but if there
be any thing you have a particular fancy to——

MARL. Why really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one
part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much
for supper: and now to see that our beds are aired, and properly taken
care of.

HARD. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step.

MARL. Leave that to you? I protest, sir, you must excuse me; I always
look to these things myself.

HARD. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

MARL. You see I'm resolved on it. (_Aside. _) A very troublesome fellow
this, as ever I met with.

HARD. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (_Aside. _) This
may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like
old-fashioned impudence.

_Exeunt_ MARL. _and_ HARD.

HASTINGS, _solus_.

HAST. So I find, this fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome.
But who can be angry at those assiduities, which are meant to please
him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

_Enter_ MISS NEVILLE.

MISS NEV. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, to what
accident am I to ascribe this happy meeting?

HAST.
Rather, let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped
to meet my dear Constance at an inn.

MISS NEV. An inn? sure you mistake! my aunt, my guardian, lives here.
What could induce you to think this house an inn?

HAST. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been
sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we
accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither.

MISS NEV. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of
whom you have heard me talk so often, ha! ha! ha! ha!

HAST. He whom your aunt intends for you? He of whom I have such just
apprehensions?

MISS NEV. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd adore
him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it too, and
has undertaken to court me for him; and actually begins to think she
has made a conquest.

HAST. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have just
seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here, to get
admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down, are now
fatigued with their journey; but they'll soon be refreshed; and then,
if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon
be landed in France; where, even among slaves, the laws of marriage are
respected.

MISS NEV. I have often told you that, though ready to obey you, I yet
should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The greatest
part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and chiefly
consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my aunt to let
me wear them. I fancy I am very near succeeding. The instant they are
put into my possession, you shall find me ready to make them and myself
yours.

HAST. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the meantime,
my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake; I know the strange
reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of it, he
would instantly quit the house, before our plan was ripe for execution.

MISS NEV. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss Hardcastle
is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to deceive
him? —This, this way——

_They confer. _

_Enter_ MARLOW.

MARL. The assiduities of these good people tease me beyond bearing. My
host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he claps
not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife on my back. They talk of
coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run the
gauntlet through all the rest of the family. —What have we got here? —

HAST. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you! —The most fortunate
accident! —Who do you think is just alighted?

MARL. Cannot guess.

HAST. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me
leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance.
Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called, on their return,
to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept into the next
room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky, eh?

MARL. (_Aside. _) I have just been mortified enough of all conscience,
and here comes something to complete my embarrassment.

HAST. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world?

MARL. Oh! yes. Very fortunate—a most joyful encounter—But our dresses,
George, you know, are in disorder—What if we should postpone the
happiness till to-morrow? —To-morrow, at her own house—It will be every
bit as convenient—And rather more respectful—To-morrow let it be.

_Offering to go. _

MISS NEV. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. The
disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience:
besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see
her.

MARL. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, you
must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be confoundedly
ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem!

HAST. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over. She's but
a woman, you know.

MARL. And of all women, she that I dread most to encounter.

_Enter_ MISS HARDCASTLE, _as returning from walking, a bonnet, &c. _

HAST. (_Introducing him. _) Miss Hardcastle—Mr. Marlow. I'm proud of
bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to know, to
esteem each other.

MISS HARD. (_Aside. _) Now, for meeting my modest gentleman with a
demure face, and quite in his own manner. (_After a pause, in which he
appears very uneasy and disconcerted. _) I'm glad of your safe arrival,
sir—I'm told, you had some accidents by the way.

MARL. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good many
accidents; but should be sorry—madam—or rather glad of any
accidents—that are so agreeably concluded. Hem!

HAST. (_To him. _) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keep it
up, and I'll ensure you the victory.

MISS HARD. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You, that have seen so much of
the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscure corner
of the country.

MARL. (_Gathering courage. _) I have lived, indeed, in the world, madam;
but I have kept very little company. I have been but an observer upon
life, madam, while others were enjoying it.

MISS NEV. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last.

HAST. (_To him. _) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you are
confirmed in assurance for ever.

MARL. (_To him. _) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I'm down, throw in a
word or two, to set me up again.

MISS HARD. An observer, like you, upon life, were, I fear, disagreeably
employed, since you must have had much more to censure than to approve.

MARL. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The folly of
most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness.

HAST. (_To him. _) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole life.
Well! Miss Hardcastle, I see, that you and Mr. Marlow are going to be
very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass the
interview.

MARL. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all
things. (_To him. _) Zounds! George, sure you won't go: how can you
leave us?

HAST. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire to the
next room. (_To him. _) You don't consider, man, that we are to manage a
little tête-à-tête of our own.

_Exeunt. _

MISS HARD. (_After a pause. _) But you have not been wholly an observer,
I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some part of
your addresses.

MARL. (_Relapsing into timidity. _) Pardon me, madam, I—I—I—as yet have
studied—only—to—deserve them.

MISS HARD. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain them.

MARL. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more
grave and sensible part of the sex. —But I'm afraid I grow tiresome.

MISS HARD. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave
conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed—I have often been
surprised how a man of _sentiment_ could ever admire those light airy
pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart.

MARL. It's—a disease—of the mind, madam. In the variety of tastes there
must be some who, wanting a relish—for—um-a-um.

MISS HARD. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, wanting a
relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they are
incapable of tasting.

MARL. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I can't
help observing—a—

MISS HARD. (_Aside. _) Who could ever suppose this fellow impudent upon
some occasions? (_To him. _) You were going to observe, sir——

MARL. I was observing, madam—I protest, madam, I forget what I was
going to observe.

MISS HARD. (_Aside. _) I vow, and so do I. (_To him. _) You were
observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy, something about
hypocrisy, sir.

MARL. Yes, madam; in this age of hypocrisy there are few who, upon
strict inquiry, do not—a—a—a—

MISS HARD. I understand you perfectly, sir.

MARL. (_Aside. _) Egad! and that's more than I do myself.

MISS HARD. You mean that, in this hypocritical age, there are few that
do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think they
pay every debt to virtue when they praise it.

[Illustration:

MARLOW. —"_I was observing, madam. _"—_p.