No More Learning

It's all right. (Aside. ) Here comes the storm!

Mrs. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand. ) It was
very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore--you never
contented yourself with merely Saying a thing--you swore that, as far
as lay in your power, you'd make my wretched life pleasant for me. And
you've denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have
done it--indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this
refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before. ) You have
explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven't spoken or
written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the
last minute. You haven't condescended to give me your reason yet. No!
A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many men like
you in the world?

Capt. G. I'm sure I don't know. (To Khitmatgar. ) Ohe! Simpkin do.

Mrs. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don't you? Do men of the
world behave like Devils when they do a woman the honor to get tired of
her?

Capt. G. I'm sure I don't know. Don't speak so loud!

Mrs. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Don't be afraid
of my compromising you. You've chosen your ground far too well, and I've
been properly brought up. (Lowering fan. ) Haven't you any pity, Pip,
except for yourself?

Capt. G. Wouldn't it be rather impertinent of me to say that I'm sorry
for you?

Mrs. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You're growing
very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You
said I was. You've made me what I am. What are you going to do with
me? What are you going to do with me? Won't you say that you are sorry?
(Helps herself to iced asparagus. )

Capt. G. I am sorry for you, if you WANT the pity of such a brute as I
am. I'm awf'ly sorry for you.

Mrs. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that
admission clears you?

Capt. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You
can't think worse than that?

Mrs. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all
this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken?

Capt. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered. ) No! The thing has come to an
end on my side. That's all. Mafisch!

Mrs. H. "That's all. Mafisch! " As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You
used to make prettier speeches. D'you remember when you said? --

Capt. G. For Heaven's sake don't bring that back! Call me anything you
like and I'll admit it--

Mrs. H. But you don't care to be reminded of old lies? If I could
hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me tonight--No, I
wouldn't--I couldn't do it--liar though you are.

Capt. G. I've spoken the truth.

Mrs. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the
reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don't know yourself. You
have been everything to me, though you are--(Fan-guard. ) Oh, what a
contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me?

Capt. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it--Yes.

Mrs. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so
ineffectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no
fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you
more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it?

Capt. G. Yes. (Aside. ) I think I deserve this.

Mrs. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her
name.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the
business! (Aloud. ) Is it likely?

Mrs. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity.
You'd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.

Capt. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this business.

Mrs. H. Oh, no, there would not--And so you were going to be virtuous
and blase', were you? To come to me and say: "I've done with you. The
incident is clo-osed. " I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so
long.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner.
(Aloud. ) You know what I think of myself.

Mrs. H. As it's the only person in he world you ever do think of, and as
I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and--Oh,
I can't keep you back! And you're going--think of it, Pip--to throw me
over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were--Pip,
my Pip! She can't care for you as I do. Believe me, she can't. Is it any
one that I know?

Capt. G. Thank Goodness it isn't. (Aside. ) I expected a cyclone, but not
an earthquake.

Mrs. H. She can't! Is there anything that I wouldn't do for you--or
haven't done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you,
knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?

Capt. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile. ) Again? It's entirely a work
of charity on your part.

Mrs. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it. --Is she better-looking
than I? Who was it said? --

Capt. G. No--not that!

Mrs. H. I'll be more merciful than you were. Don't you know that all
women are alike?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.

Mrs. H. All of them! I'll tell you anything you like. I will, upon
my word! They only want the admiration--from anybody--no matter
who--anybody! But there is always one man that they care for more than
any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, do
listen!
I've kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he
believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I'll tell you what
he said to me.

Capt. G. Spare him. (Aside. ) I wonder what his version is.

Mrs. H. He's been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner.
Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?

Capt. G. "But what imports the nomination of this gentleman? "

Mrs. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to
combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare
of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance. )

Capt. G. (Critically. ) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you wait till
the spoon was out of his mouth?

Mrs. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've made of
him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see that? It's
as plain as the noonday Sun. You'll be trotted about and told lies, and
made a fool of like the others. I never made a fool of you, did I?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) What a clever little woman it is!

Mrs. H. Well, what have you to say?

Capt. G. I feel better.

Mrs. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I
couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have spoken
the truth.

Capt. G. It doesn't alter the situation.

Mrs. H. (Passionately. ) Then she has said that she cares for you! Don't
believe her, Pip. It's a lie--as bad as yours to me!

Capt. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking at
you.

Mrs. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) And some people would like women to assist in making
the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud. ) Well, you see, if
you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't, in common politeness,
refuse the offer.

Mrs. H. In common politeness I--We have got beyond that!

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud. ) On my honor--

Mrs. H. Your what? Ha, ha!

Capt. G. Dishonor, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to--

Mrs. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She won't care for you, and
when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you'll
find me occupied with--

Capt. G. (Insolently. ) You couldn't while I am alive. (Aside. ) If that
doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.

Mrs. H. (Drawing herself up. ) Couldn't do it? I--(Softening. ) You're
right. I don't believe I could--though you are what you are--a coward
and a liar in grain.

Capt. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture--with
demonstrations.

Mrs. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life?
There must be a Hereafter if it's only for the benefit of--But you will
have it all to yourself.

Capt. G. (Under his eyebrows. ) Are you certain of that?

Mrs. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right,

Capt. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment
ago? (Aside. ) Oh, I am a brute!

Mrs. H. (Fiercely. ) Will that console me for knowing that you will go to
her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same pet names
you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my
story. Won't that be punishment heavy enough even for me--even for
me? --And it's all useless. That's another punishment.

Capt. G. (Feebly. ) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think.

Mrs. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters
your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and
no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without
knowing that?

Capt. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don't see why I
should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue.

Mrs. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and declared
it was all in fun (a long pause), I'd trust you. Not otherwise. All
I ask is, don't tell her my name. Please don't. A man might forget: a
woman never would. (Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect
eyes. ) So it's all ended, through no fault of mine--Haven't I behaved
beautifully? I've accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly
as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven't I? (Arranging
gloves and fan. ) I only pray that she'll know you some day as I know you
now. I wouldn't be you then, for I think even your conceit will be
hurt. I hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've brought on me.
I hope--No. I don't! I can't give you up! I must have something to look
forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all over, come back to me,
come back to me, and you'll find that you're my Pip still!

Capt. G. (Very clearly. ) False move, and you pay for it. It's a girl!

Mrs. H. (Rising. ) Then it was true! They said--but I wouldn't insult you
by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip.
I daresay she believes in you.

Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and
settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves.

Capt. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He
kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the claret, and half
aloud. ) What have I done?




WITH ANY AMAZEMENT

And are not afraid with any amazement. --Marriage Service.

SCENE. bachelor's bedroom-toilet-table arranged with unnatural neatness.

CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10:30 A. M. --a glorious
autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately Captain MAFFLIN of GADSBY's
regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring "Poor Gaddy. "
Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chairback.

Capt. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars. )

"Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men!
It is our opening day!
It is our opening da-ay!