No More Learning

_Merc. _ 'Tis neither better nor worse, upon my conscience. He is weary
of hunting in the spacious forest of a wife, and is following his game
_incognito_ in some little purlieu here at Thebes: that's many an
honest man's case on earth too, Jove help them! as indeed he does, to
make them cuckolds.

_Phoe. _ But, if so, Mercury, then I, who am a poet, must indite his
love-letter; and you, who are by trade a porter, must convey it.

_Merc. _ No more; he's coming down souse upon us, and hears as far as he
can see too. He's plaguy hot upon the business, I know it by his hard
driving.

JUPITER _descends_.

_Jup. _ What, you are descanting upon my actions!
Much good may do you with your politics:
All subjects will be censuring their kings.
Well, I confess I am in love; what then?

_Phoe. _ Some mortal, we presume, of Cadmus' blood;
Some Theban beauty; some new Semele;
Or some Europa.

_Merc. _ I'll say that for my father, he's constant to a handsome
family; he knows when they have a good smack with them, and snuff's up
incense so savourily when 'tis offered by a fair hand,----

_Jup. _ Well, my familiar sons, this saucy carriage
I have deserved; for he, who trusts a secret,
Makes his own man his master.
I read your thoughts;
Therefore you may as safely speak as think.

_Merc. _ Mine was a very homely thought. --I was considering into what
form your almightyship would be pleased to transform yourself to-night:
whether you would fornicate in the shape of a bull, or a ram, or an
eagle, or a swan; what bird or beast you would please to honour, by
transgressing your own laws in his likeness; or, in short, whether you
would recreate yourself in feathers, or in leather?

_Phoe. _ Any disguise to hide the king of gods.

_Jup. _ I know your malice, Phœbus; you would say,
That, when a monarch sins, it should be secret,
To keep exterior shew of sanctity,
Maintain respect, and cover bad example:
For kings and priests are in a manner bound,
For reverence sake, to be close hypocrites.

_Phoe. _ But what necessitates you to this love,
Which you confess a crime, and yet commit?
For, to be secret makes not sin the less;
'Tis only hidden from the vulgar view;
Maintains, indeed, the reverence due to princes,
But not absolves the conscience from the crime.

_Jup. _ I love, because 'twas in the fates I should.

_Phoe. _ With reverence be it spoke, a bad excuse:
Thus every wicked act, in heaven or earth,
May make the same defence. But what is fate?
Is it a blind contingence of events,
Or sure necessity of causes linked,
That must produce effects? Or is't a power,
That orders all things by superior will,
Foresees his work, and works in that foresight?

_Jup. _ Fate is, what I,
By virtue of omnipotence, have made it;
And power omnipotent can do no wrong:
Not to myself, because I will it so;
Nor yet to men, for what they are is mine. --
This night I will enjoy Amphitryon's wife;
For, when I made her, I decreed her such
As I should please to love. I wrong not him
Whose wife she is; for I reserved my right,
To have her while she pleased me; that once past,
She shall be his again.

_Merc. _ Here's omnipotence with a vengeance! to make a man a cuckold,
and yet not to do him wrong! Then I find, father Jupiter, that when you
made fate, you had the wit to contrive a holiday for yourself now and
then; for you kings never enact a law, but you have a kind of an eye to
your own prerogative.

_Phoe. _ If there be no such thing as right and wrong
Of an eternal being, I have done;
But if there be,----

_Jup. _ Peace, thou disputing fool! --
Learn this; If thou could'st comprehend my ways,
Then thou wert Jove, not I; yet thus far know,
That, for the good of human kind, this night
I shall beget a future Hercules,
Who shall redress the wrongs of injured mortals,
Shall conquer monsters, and reform the world.

_Merc. _ Ay, brother Phœbus; and our father made all those monsters for
Hercules to conquer, and contrived all those vices on purpose for him
to reform too, there's the jest on't.

_Phoe. _ Since arbitrary power will hear no reason,
'Tis wisdom to be silent.

_Merc. _ Why that's the point; this same arbitrary power is a knock-down
argument; 'tis but a word and a blow. Now methinks, our father speaks
out like an honest bare-faced god, as he is; he lays the stress in the
right place, upon absolute dominion: I confess, if he had been a man,
he might have been a tyrant, if his subjects durst have called him to
account. But you, brother Phœbus, are but a mere country gentleman,
that never comes to court; that are abroad all day on horseback, making
visits about the world; are drinking all night; and, in your cups
are still railing at the government. O, these patriots, these bumpkin
patriots, are a very silly sort of animal!

_Jup. _ My present purpose and design you heard,
To enjoy Amphitryon's wife, the fair Alcmena:
You two must be subservient to my love.

_Merc. _ [_To Phœbus. _] No more of your grumbletonian morals, brother;
there's preferment coming; be advised, and pimp dutifully.

_Jup. _ Amphitryon, the brave Theban general,
Has overcome his country's foes in fight,
And, in a single duel, slain their king:
His conquering troops are eager on their march
Returning home; while their young general,
More eager to review his beauteous wife,
Posts on before, winged with impetuous love,
And, by to-morrow's dawn, will reach this town.

_Merc. _ That's but short warning, father Jupiter; having made no former
advances of courtship to her, you have need of your omnipotence, and
all your godship, if you mean to be beforehand with him.

_Phoe. _ Then how are we to be employed this evening?
Time's precious, and these summer nights are short;
I must be early up to light the world.

_Jup. _ You shall not rise; there shall be no to-morrow.

_Merc. _ Then the world's to be at an end, I find.

_Phoe. _ Or else a gap in nature of a day.

_Jup. _ A day will be well lost to busy man;
Night shall continue sleep, and care shall cease.
So, many men shall live, and live in peace,
Whom sunshine had betrayed to envious sight,
And sight to sudden rage, and rage to death.
Now, I will have a night for love and me;
A long luxurious night, fit for a god
To quench and empty his immortal heat.

_Merc. _ I'll lay on the woman's side for all that, that she shall love
longest to-night, in spite of your omnipotence.

_Phoe. _ I shall be cursed by all the labouring trades,
That early rise; but you must be obeyed.

_Jup. _ No matter for the cheating part of man,
They have a day's sin less to answer for.

_Phoe. _ When would you have me wake?

_Jup. _ Why, when Jove goes to sleep; when I have finished,
Your brother Mercury shall bring you word. --
[_Exit_ PHŒBUS _in his chariot_.
Now, Hermes, I must take Amphitryon's form,
To enjoy his wife:
Thou must be Sosia, this Amphitryon's slave;
Who, all this night, is travelling to Thebes,
To tell Alcmena of her lord's approach,
And bring her joyful news of victory.

_Merc. _ But why must I be Sosia?

_Jup. _ Dull god of wit, thou statue of thyself!
Thou must be Sosia, to keep out Sosia;
Who, by his entrance, might discover Jove,
Disturb my pleasures, raise unruly noise,
And so distract Alcmena's tender soul,
She would not meet my warmth, when I dissolve
Into her lap, nor give down half her love.

_Merc. _ Let me alone, I'll cudgel him away;
But I abhor so villainous a shape.

_Jup. _ Take it, I charge thee on thy duty, take it;
Nor dare to lay it down, till I command.
I cannot bear a moment's loss of joy. --

NIGHT _appears above in a chariot_.

Look up, the Night is in her silent chariot,
And rolling just o'er Thebes: Bid her drive slowly,
Or make a double turn about the world;
While I drop Jove, and take Amphitryon's dress,
To be the greater, while I seem the less. [_Exit_ JUPITER.

Merc. [_To Night. _] Madam Night, a good even to you! Fair and softly, I
beseech you, madam; I have a word or two to you from no less a god than
Jupiter.

_Night. _ O my nimble-fingered god of theft, what makes you here on
earth at this unseasonable hour? What banker's shop is to be broke open
to-night? or what clippers, and coiners, and conspirators, have been
invoking your deity for their assistance?

_Merc. _ Faith, none of those enormities, and yet I am still in my
vocation; for you know I am a jack of all trades. At a word, Jupiter is
indulging his genius to-night with a certain noble sort of recreation;
called wenching; the truth on't is, adultery is its proper name.

_Night. _ Jupiter would do well to stick to his wife, Juno.

_Merc. _ He has been married to her above these hundred years; and
that's long enough, in conscience, to stick to one woman.

_Night. _ She's his sister too, as well as his wife; that's a double tie
of affection to her.

_Merc. _ Nay, if he made bold with his own flesh and blood, 'tis likely
he will not spare his neighbours.

_Night. _ If I were his wife, I would raise a rebellion against him, for
the violation of my bed.

_Merc. _ Thou art mistaken, old Night; his wife could raise no faction.
All the deities in heaven would take the part of the cuckold-making
god, for they are all given to the flesh most damnably. Nay, the very
goddesses would stickle in the cause of love; 'tis the way to be
popular, to whore and love. For what dost thou think old Saturn was
deposed, but that he was cold and impotent, and made no court to the
fair ladies? Pallas and Juno themselves, as chaste as they are, cried,
_Shame on him! _--I say unto thee, old Night, woe be to the monarch that
has not the women on his side!

_Night. _ Then, by your rule, Mercury, a king who would live happily,
must debauch his whole nation of women.

_Merc. _ As far as his ready money will go, I mean; for Jupiter himself
can't please all of them. --But this is beside my present commission: He
has sent me to will and require you to make a swinging long night for
him, for he hates to be stinted in his pleasures.

_Night. _ Tell him plainly, I'll rather lay down my commission. What,
would he make a bawd of me?

_Merc. _ Poor ignorant! why he meant thee for a bawd, when he first
made thee. What art thou good for, but to be a bawd? Is not day-light
better for mankind, I mean as to any other use, but only for love and
fornication? Thou hast been a bawd too, a reverend, primitive, original
bawd, from the first hour of thy creation; and all the laudable actions
of love have been committed under thy mantle. Pr'ythee, for what dost
thou think that thou art worshipped?

_Night. _ Why, for my stars and moonshine.

_Merc. _ That is, for holding a candle to iniquity. But if they were put
out, thou would'st be doubly worshipped by the willing bashful virgins.

_Night. _ Then, for my quiet, and the sweetness of my sleep.

_Merc. _ No:--For thy sweet waking all the night; for sleep comes not
upon lovers, till thou art vanished.

_Night. _ But it will be against nature, to make a long winter's night
at midsummer.

_Merc. _ Trouble not yourself for that: Phœbus is ordered to make a
short summer's day to-morrow; so, in four-and-twenty hours, all will be
at rights again.

_Night. _ Well, I am edified by your discourse; and my comfort is, that,
whatever work is made, I see nothing.

_Merc. _ About your business then. Put a spoke into your chariot-wheels,
and order the seven stars to halt, while I put myself into the habit
of a serving-man, and dress up a false Sosia, to wait upon a false
Amphitryon. --Good night, Night.

_Night. _ My service to Jupiter. --Farewell, Mercury.

[NIGHT _goes backward. Exit_ MERCURY.


SCENE II. --AMPHITRYON'S _Palace_.

_Enter_ ALCMENA.

_Alc. _ Why was I married to the man I love!
For, had he been indifferent to my choice,
Or had been hated, absence had been pleasure;
But now I fear for my Amphitryon's life:
At home, in private, and secure from war,
I am amidst an host of armed foes,
Sustaining all his cares, pierced with his wounds;
And, if he falls,--which, O ye gods avert! --
Am in Amphitryon slain! Would I were there,
And he were here; so might we change our fates;
That he might grieve for me, and I might die for him.

_Enter_ PHÆDRA, _running_.

_Phæd. _ Good news, good news, madam; O such admirable news, that, if I
kept it in a moment, I should burst with it.

_Alc. _ Is it from the army?

_Phæd. _ No matter.

_Alc. _ From Amphitryon?

_Phæd. _ No matter, neither.

_Alc. _ Answer me, I charge thee, if thy good news be any thing relating
to my lord; if it be, assure thyself of a reward.

_Phæd. _ Ay, madam, now you say something to the matter: You know the
business of a poor waiting-woman, here upon earth, is to be scraping up
something against a rainy day, called the day of marriage; every one in
our own vocation:--But what matter is it to me if my lord has routed
the enemy, if I get nothing of their spoils?

_Alc. _ Say, is my lord victorious?

_Phæd. _ Why, he is victorious: indeed I prayed devoutly to Jupiter for
a victory; by the same token, that you should give me ten pieces of
gold if I brought you news of it.

_Alc.
_ They are thine, supposing he be safe too.

_Phæd. _ Nay, that's a new bargain, for I vowed to Jupiter, that then
you should give me ten pieces more; but I do undertake for my lord's
safety, if you will please to discharge his godship Jupiter of the
debt, and take it upon you to pay.

_Alc. _ When he returns in safety, Jupiter and I will pay your vow.

_Phæd. _ And I am sure I articled with Jupiter, that, if I brought you
news that my lord was upon return, you should grant me one small favour
more, that will cost you nothing.

_Alc. _ Make haste, thou torturer; is my Amphitryon upon return?

_Phæd. _ Promise me, that I shall be your bedfellow to-night, as I have
been ever since my lord's absence; unless I shall be pleased to release
you of your word.

_Alc. _ That's a small request; 'tis granted.

_Phæd. _ But swear by Jupiter.

_Alc. _ But why by Jupiter?

_Phæd. _ Because he's the greatest: I hate to deal with one of your
little baffling gods, that can do nothing but by permission; but
Jupiter can swinge you off, if you swear by him, and are forsworn.

_Alc. _ I swear by Jupiter.

_Phæd. _ Then--I believe he is victorious, and I know he is safe; for I
looked through the key-hole, and saw him knocking at the gate; and I
had the conscience to let him cool his heels there.

_Alc. _ And would'st thou not open to him? Oh, thou traitress!

_Phæd. _ No, I was a little wiser: I left Sosia's wife to let him in;
for I was resolved to bring the news, and make my pennyworths out of
him, as time shall show.

_Enter_ JUPITER, _in the shape of_ AMPHITRYON, _with_ SOSIA'S _wife_,
BROMIA. _He kisses and embraces_ ALCMENA.

_Jup. _ O let me live for ever on those lips!
The nectar of the gods to these is tasteless.
I swear, that, were I Jupiter, this night
I would renounce my heaven, to be Amphitryon.

_Alc. _ Then, not to swear beneath Amphitryon's oath,
(Forgive me, Juno, if I am profane,)
I swear, I would be what I am this night,
And be Alcmena, rather than be Juno.

_Brom. _ Good my lord, what is become of my poor bedfellow, your man
Sosia? you keep such a billing and cooing here, to set one's mouth
a watering--what I say, though I am a poor woman, I have a husband
as well as my lady; and should be as glad as she, of a little honest
recreation.

_Phæd. _ And what have you done with your old friend, and my old
sweetheart, Judge Gripus? has he brought me home a crammed purse, that
swells with bribes? if he be rich, I will make him welcome like an
honourable magistrate; but if he has not had the wit to sell justice,
he judges no causes in my court, I warrant him.

_Alc. _ My lord, you tell me nothing of the battle?
Is Thebes victorious, are our foes destroyed?
For, now I find you safe, I should be glad
To hear you were in danger.

_Jup. _ [_Aside. _] A man had need be a god, to stand the fury of three
talking women! I think, in my conscience, I made their tongues of
thunder.

_Brom. _ [_Pulling him on one side. _] I asked the first question; answer
me, my lord.

_Phæd. _ [_Pulling him on the other side. _] Peace! mine is a lover, and
yours but a husband; and my judge is my lord too; the title shall take
place, and I will be answered.

_Jup. _ Sosia is safe; Gripus is rich; both coming;
I rode before them, with a lover's haste. ----
Was e'er poor god so worried? but for my love,
I wish I were in heaven again with Juno. [_Aside. _

_Alc. _ Then I, it seems, am last to be regarded?

_Jup. _ Not so, my love; but these obstreperous tongues
Have snatched their answers first; they will be heard;
And surely Jove would never answer prayer
That woman made, but only to be freed
From their eternal noise. Make haste to bed;
There let me tell my story, in thy arms;
There, in the gentle pauses of our love,
Betwixt our dyings, ere we live again,
Thou shalt be told the battle, and success;
Which I shall oft begin, and then break off;
For love will often interrupt my tale,
And make so sweet confusion in our talk,
That thou shalt ask, and I shall answer things,
That are not of a piece; but patched with kisses,
And sighs, and murmurs, and imperfect speech;
And nonsense shall be eloquent, in love.

_Brom. _ [_To_ PHÆDHA. ] My lord is very hot upon it: this absence is a
great friend to us poor neglected wives; it makes us new again.

_Alc. _ I am the fool of love; and find within me
The fondness of a bride, without the fear.
My whole desires and wishes are in you.

_Phæd. _ [_Aside. _] My lady's eyes are pinking to bed-ward too: now is
she to look very sleepy, counterfeiting yawning,--but she shall ask me
leave first.

_Alc. _ Great Juno, thou, whose holy care presides
Over the nuptial bed, pour all thy blessings
On this auspicious night!

_Jup. _ Juno may grudge; for she may fear a rival
In those bright eyes; but Jupiter will grant,
And doubly bless this night.

_Phæd. _ [_Aside. _] But Jupiter should ask my leave
first, were he here in person.

_Alc. _ Bromia, prepare the bed:
The tedious journey has disposed my lord
To seek his needful rest. [_Exit_ BROMIA.

_Phæd. _ 'Tis very true, madam; the poor gentleman must needs be
weary; and, therefore, it was not ill contrived, that he must lie
alone to-night, to recruit himself with sleep, and lay in enough for
to-morrow night, when you may keep him waking.

_Alc. _ [_To_ JUPITER. ] I must confess, I made a kind of promise. ----

_Phæd. _ [_Almost crying. _] A kind of promise, do you call it? I see you
would fain be coming off. I am sure you swore to me, by Jupiter, that
I should be your bedfellow; and I'll accuse you to him, too, the first
prayers I make; and I'll pray o' purpose, too, that I will, though I
have not prayed to him this seven years.

_Jup. _ O, the malicious hilding!

_Alc. _ I did swear, indeed, my lord.

_Jup. _ Forswear thyself; for Jupiter but laughs
At lovers' perjuries.

_Phæd. _ The more shame for him, if he does: there would be a fine god,
indeed, for us women to worship, if he laughs when our sweethearts
cheat us of our maidenheads. No, no, Jupiter is an honester gentleman
than you make of him.

_Jup. _ I'm all on fire; and would not lose this night,
To be the master of the universe.

_Phæd. _ Ay, my lord, I see you are on fire; but the devil a bucket
shall be brought to quench it, without my leave. You may go to bed,
madam; but you shall see how heaven will bless your night's work, if
you forswear yourself:--Some fool, some mere elder-brother, or some
blockheadly hero, Jove, I beseech thee, send her!

_Jup. _ [_Aside. _] Now I could call my thunder to revenge me,
But that were to confess myself a god,
And then I lost my love! ----Alcmena, come;
By heaven I have a bridegroom's fervour for thee,
As I had ne'er enjoyed.

_Alc. _ She has my oath; [_Sighing. _
And sure she may release it, if she pleases.

_Phæd. _ Why truly, madam, I am not cruel in my nature, to poor
distressed lovers; for it may be my own case another day: and
therefore, if my lord pleases to consider me----

_Jup. _ Any thing, any thing! but name thy wish, and have it.

_Phæd. _ Ay, now you say, any thing, any thing; but you would tell me
another story to-morrow morning. Look you, my lord, here is a hand
open to receive; you know the meaning of it; I am for nothing but the
ready----

_Jup. _ Thou shalt have all the treasury of heaven.

_Phæd. _ Yes, when you are Jupiter, to dispose of it.

_Jup. _ [_Aside. _] I had forgot, and shewed myself a god: This love can
make a fool of Jupiter.

_Phæd. _ You have forgot some part of the enemies' spoil, I warrant you.
I see a little trifling diamond upon your finger; and I am proud enough
to think it would become mine too.

_Jup. _ Here take it. --
[_Taking a Ring off his Finger, and giving it. _
This is a very woman;
Her sex is avarice, and she, in one,
Is all her sex.

_Phæd. _ Ay, ay, 'tis no matter what you say of us. What, would you have
your money out of the treasury, without paying the officers their fees?
Go, get you together, you naughty couple, till you are both weary of
worrying one another; and then to-morrow morning I shall have another
fee for parting you.

[PHÆDRA _goes out before_ ALCMENA _with a light_.

_Jup. _ Why now, I am indeed the lord of all;
For what's to be a god, but to enjoy?
Let human kind their sovereign's leisure wait;
Love is, this night, my great affair of state:
Let this one night of providence be void;
All Jove, for once, is on himself employ'd.
Let unregarded altars smoke in vain;
And let my subjects praise me, or complain:
Yet if, betwixt my intervals of bliss,
Some amorous youth his orisons address,
His prayer is in a happy hour preferred;
And when Jove loves, a lover shall be heard. [_Exit. _




ACT II.


SCENE I. --_A Night Scene of a Palace. _

SOSIA, _with a Dark-Lanthorn_; MERCURY, _in_ SOSIA'S _shape, with a
Dark-Lanthorn also_.

_Sos. _ Was not the devil in my master, to send me out this dreadful
dark night, to bring the news of his victory to my lady? and was not I
possessed with ten devils, for going on his errand, without a convoy
for the safeguard of my person? Lord, how am I melted into sweat with
fear! I am diminished of my natural weight, above two stone: I shall
not bring half myself home again, to my poor wife and family; I have
been in an ague fit, ever since shut of evening; what with the fright
of trees by the highway, which looked maliciously, like thieves, by
moonshine; and what with bulrushes by the river-side, that shaked like
spears and lances at me. Well, the greatest plague of a serving-man, is
to be hired to some great lord! They care not what drudgery they put
upon us, while they lie lolling at their ease a-bed, and stretch their
lazy limbs, in expectation of the whore which we are fetching for them.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] He is but a poor mortal, that suffers this; but I,
who am a god, am degraded to a foot-pimp; a waiter without doors! a
very civil employment for a deity!

_Sos. _ The better sort of them will say, "Upon my honour," at every
word; yet ask them for our wages, and they plead the privilege of their
honour, and will not pay us; nor let us take our privilege of the law
upon them. These are a very hopeful sort of patriots, to stand up, as
they do, for liberty and property of the subject: There's conscience
for you!

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] This fellow has something of the republican spirit
in him.

_Sos. _ [_Looking about him. _] Stay; this, methinks, should be our
house; and I should thank the gods now for bringing me safe home: but,
I think, I had as good let my devotions alone, till I have got the
reward for my good news, and then thank them once for all; for, if I
praise them before I am safe within doors, some damned mastiff dog may
come out and worry me; and then my thanks are thrown away upon them.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] Thou art a wicked rogue, and wilt have thy bargain
beforehand; therefore thou get'st not into the house this night; and
thank me accordingly as I use thee.

_Sos. _ Now am I to give my lady an account of my lord's victory; 'tis
good to exercise my parts beforehand, and file my tongue into eloquent
expressions, to tickle her ladyship's imagination.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] Good! and here's the god of eloquence to judge of
thy oration.

_Sos. _ [_Setting down his Lanthorn. _] This lanthorn, for once, shall be
my lady; because she is the lamp of all beauty and perfection.

_Merc. _ [_Aside. _] No, rogue! 'tis thy lord is the lanthorn by this
time, or Jupiter is turned fumbler.

_Sos. _ Then thus I make my addresses to her:--[_Bows. _] Madam, my lord
has chosen me out, as the most faithful, though the most unworthy, of
his followers, to bring your ladyship this following account of our
glorious expedition. Then she,--O my poor Sosia, [_In a shrill tone. _]
how am I overjoyed to see thee! She can say no less. --Madam, you do me
too much honour, and the world will envy me this glory:--Well answered
on my side. And how does my lord Amphitryon? --Madam, he always does
like a man of courage, when he is called by honour. --There I think I
nicked it. --But when will he return? --As soon as possibly he can; but
not so soon as his impatient heart could wish him with your ladyship.

_Merc.