No More Learning

You are a man of iron, Flaccus, if you can show amorous power for a woman, who values herself at no more than half a dozen jars of pickle, or a couple of slices of tunny fish, or a paltry sea-lizard; who does not think herself worth a bunch of raisins; who makes only one mouthful of a red herring, which a servant maid fetches in an earthenware dish; or who, with a brazen face and lost to shame, lowers her demand to five skins for a cloak. Why! my mistress asks of me a pound of the most precious perfume, or a pair of green emeralds, or sardonyxes; and will have no dress except of the very best silks from the Tuscan street; nay, she would ask me for a hundred gold pieces with as little concern as if they were brass. Do you think that I wish to make such presents to a mistress? No, I do not: but I wish my mistress to be worthy of such presents.

XXVIII. ON NASICA.

Nasica, a 'madman', attacked the Hylas of Euctus the physician, and _____ed him. This fellow was, I think, sane.

Not translated in the Bohn; this adapted from Ker's Loeb edition.

XXIX. TO PHYLLIS.

[Not translated in the Bohn translation; translated in Ker but disgusting]

XXX. TO ZOILUS.

[Not translated in the Bohn translation; mostly translated in Ker but disgusting]

XXXI. ON CAECILIUS.

Caecilius, a very Atreus of gourds, tears and cuts them into a thousand pieces, just as if they were the children of Thyestes. Some of these pieces will be placed before you to begin with as a relish; they will appear again as a second course; then again as a third course. From some he will contrive a dessert; from others the baker will make mawkish patties, cakes of every form, and dates such as are sold at the theatres. By the art of the cook they are metamorphosed into all sorts of mincemeat, so that you would fancy you saw lentils and beans on the table; they are also made to imitate mushrooms and sausages, tails of tunnies and anchovies. This dextrous cook exhausts the powers of art to disguise them in every way, sometimes by means of Capellian rue. 1 Thus he fills his dishes, and side dishes, and polished plates, and tureens, and congratulates himself upon his skill in furnishing so many dishes at the cost of a penny.

1 So called from Capellius, who cultivated or sold it . Rue was used for garnishing dishes; see Ep. 52.

XXXII. TO NESTOR.

You have neither a toga, nor a hearth, nor a bed infested with vermin, nor a patched rag of marsh reeds, nor a slave young or old, nor a maid, nor a child, nor a lock, nor a key, nor a house-dog, nor a wine-cup. Yet, Nestor, you desire to be thought and called a poor man, and wish to be counted as such among the people. You are a deceiver, and do yourself too much idle honour. To have nothing is not poverty. 1

1 It is worse; it is mere beggary.

XXXIII. ON THE CHARIOTEER OF THE "GREEN" FACTION.

Since the death of Nero the charioteer of the Green Faction has often won the palm, and carried off many prizes. Go now, malicious envy, and say that you were influenced by Nero; for now assuredly the charioteer of the Green Faction, not Nero, has won these victories.

XXXIV. ON APER.

Aper has bought a house; but such a house, as not even an owl would inhabit; so dark and old is the little dwelling. But near it the elegant Maro has his country seat, and Aper will dine well, though he will not be well lodged. 1

1 Aper expects his rich neighbour to invite him frequently to dinner.

XXXV. TO FABULLUS.

You invite some three hundred guests all unknown to me, and then wonder that I do not accept your invitation, and complain, and are ready to quarrel with me. Fabullus, I do not like to dine alone.

XXXVI. ON CAIUS JULIUS PROCULUS.

O mark this day for me with a white stone, Caius Julius having been restored (how delightful! ) to my prayers. I rejoice to have despaired as though the threads of the sisters had already been snapped asunder; that joy is but little where there has been no fear. Hypnus, why do you loiter? Pour out the immortal Falernian; such fulfilment of my prayers demands an old cask. Let us drink five, six, and eight cups, answering to the letters in the names Caius, Julius, and Proculus? 1

1 See B. i. Ep. 72.

XXXVII. TO ZOILUS.

Zoilus, why do you delight in using a whole pound weight of gold for the setting of a stone, and thus burying your poor sardonyx? Such rings are more suited to your legs; 1 the weight is too great for fingers.

1 See B. iii. Ep. 29.

Why, Zoilus, do you bury, not enfold,
A diamond spark in a whole pound of gold?
When late a slave, this ring your leg might wear,
But such a weight your finger cannot bear.
Anon.

XXXVIII. TO AULUS.

A muleteer was lately sold for twenty thousand sesterces, Aulus. Are you astonished at so large a price? He was deaf. 1

1 He could not therefore overhear the conversation of those whom he drove.

XXXIX. TO CHARIDEMUS, HIS FREEDMAN.

You, Charidemus, rocked my cradle; you were the guardian and constant companion of my childhood Now my beard, when shaved, blackens the barber's napkins, and my mistress complains of being pricked by my bristly lips. But in your eyes I am no older; you are my bailiff's dread; my steward and all the household fear you. You neither allow me to play nor to make love; nothing is permitted to me yet everything to yourself. You rebuke me, you watch me, you complain of me, and sigh at my conduct, and your ire is with difficulty restrained from using the cane. If I put on a Tyrian robe, or anoint my hair, you exclaim, "Your father never did such things. " You count my cups of wine with contracted brow, as if they came from a cask in your own cellar. Cease this conduct: I cannot abide a Cato in a freed man. My mistress will tell you that I am now a man.

XL. ON LUPERCUS.

Lupercus loves the fair Glycera; he possesses her all to himself and is her sole commander. Once, when he was complaining to Aelianus, in a sad tone, that he had not caressed her for a whole month, and wished to give the reason to his auditor, who asked for it, he told him that Glycera had the tooth-ache.

XLI. ON AMYNTAS, A SWINEHERD, KILLED BY A
FALL FROM AN OAK.

While the swineherd Amyntas was over-anxiously feeding his flock, proud of its renown for high condition, his weight proved too much for the yielding branch of an oak which he had ascended, and he was precipitated to the ground in the midst of a shower of acorns, which he had shaken down. His father would not allow the fatal tree to survive the cruel death of his son, and condemned it to the flames. Lygdus,1 let your neighbour Iolas fatten his pigs as he pleases; and be content to preserve your full number.

1 Martial's swine-herd.

XLII. TO CAECILIANUS.

You ask for lively epigrams, and propose lifeless subjects. What can I do, Caecilianus? You expect Hyblaean or Hymethian honey to be produced, and yet offer the Attic bee nothing but Corsican thyme?

XLIII. TO HIS WIFE.

[Not translated in Bohn or Ker]

Fletcher has given a complete translation of these lines, and so have several of the French editors, but we think them better omitted here.

XLIV. TO A. CHILDLESS OLD MAN.

You are childless and rich, and were born in the consulship of Brutus; do you imagine that you have any real friends? You have true friends, but they are those which you made when young and poor. Your new friends desire only your death.

What! old, and rich, and childless too,
And yet believe your friends are true?
Truth might perhaps of old belong
To those who loved you poor and young;
But, trust me, for the friends you have,
They'll love you dearly-----in your grave.
F. Lewis. Motto to the 162nd Rambler

XLV. TO CANTHARUS.

[Not translated]

XLVI. TO MAEVIUS.

[Not translated in Bohn or Ker]

XLVII. ON LATTARA.

Why does Lattara avoid all the baths which are frequented by women? That he may not be exposed to temptation. Why does he neither promenade in the shade of Pompey's portico, nor seek the temple of the daughter of Inachus? That he may not be exposed to temptation. Why does he bathe in the cold Virgin water, and anoint himself with Spartan wrestler's oil? That he may not be exposed to temptation. Seeing that Lattara thus avoids all temptation of the female sex, what can be his meaning?

XLVIII. ON SILIUS ITALICUS.

Silius, who possesses the lands that once belonged to the eloquent Cicero, celebrates funeral obsequies at the tomb of the great Virgil. There is no one that either Virgil or Cicero would have preferred for his heir, or as guardian of his tomb and lands.

XLIX. ON THE SAME.

There remained but one man, and he a poor one,1 to honour the nearly deserted ashes, and revered name, of Virgil. Silius determined to succour the cherished shade; Silius, a poet, not inferior to Virgil himself, consecrated the glory of the bard.

1 It appears that there was a cenotaph in honour of Virgil, which some poor man was paid to keep up, and that Silius Italicus purchased the ground on which it stood. The site of it is uncertain.

To honour Maro's dust, and sacred shade,
One swain remained, deserted, poor, alone.
Till Silius came his pious toils to aid,
In homage to a name scarce greater than his own.
Amos.

L. TO PHYLLIS.

Not an hour of the day, Phyllis, passes that you do not plunder me, such is the infatuation of my love for you, so great your cunning in the art of robbery. Sometimes your artful maid bewails the loss of your mirror, or a ring drops off your finger, or a precious stone from your ear. Sometimes contraband silk dresses are to be had cheap; sometimes a scent casket is brought to me empty. At one time I am asked for an amphora of old Falernian, to reward the chattering wise-woman who explains your dreams; at another, your rich friend has invited herself to sup with you, and I must buy you a great pike or a mullet of two pounds' weight. Have some sense of decency, I entreat you, and some respect for right and justice. I deny you nothing, Phyllis: deny me, Phyllis, nothing.

LI. ON TITIUS.

[Not translated in Bohn or Ker]

LII. INVITATION TO JULIUS CEREALIS.

You may have a good dinner, Julius Cerealis, with me; if you have no better engagement, come. You may keep your own hour, the eighth;1 we will go to the bath together; you know how near the baths of Stephanus are to my house. Lettuce will first be set before you, a plant useful as a laxative, and leeks cut into shreds; next tunny-fishy full grown, and larger than the slender eel, which will be garnished with egg and leaves of rue. Nor will there be wanting eggs lightly poached, and cheese hardened on a Velabrian hearth;2 nor olives which have experienced the cold of a Picenian winter. These ought to be sufficient to whet the appetite. Do you want to know what is to follow? I will play the braggart, to tempt you to come: There will be Fish, oysters, sow's teats, well-fattened tame and wild-fowl; dainties which not even Stella,3 except on rare occasions, is used to place before his guests. I promise you still more: I will recite no verses to you; while you shall be at liberty to read to me again your "War of the Giants," or your Georgics, second only to those of the immortal Virgil.

1 Two o'clock in the afternoon.
2 On dried cheese; see B. xii. Ep. 32.
3 The poet; see B. viii. Ep. 78

LIII. ON CLAUDIA RUFINA.

Although born among the woad-stained Britons, how fully has Claudia Rufina the intelligence of the Roman people! What beauty is hers! The matrons of Italy might take her for a Roman; those of Attica for an Athenian. The gods have kindly ordered that she proves fruitful to her revered husband, and that, while yet young, she may hope for sons-in-law and daughters-in-law! May heaven grant her ever to rejoice in one single husband, and to exult in being the mother of three children.

LIV. TO ZOILUS.

Empty your pockets, rascally Zoilus, of those perfumes, and that lavender, and myrrh redolent of funerals, and half-burned frankincense, snatched from the midst of pyres, and cinnamon stolen from Stygian biers. It is from your feet, I suppose, that your hands have learned to be knavish. I do not wonder that you are a thief, who was a runaway slave. 1

1 See B. iii. Ep. 29.

LV. TO URBICUS, ON LUPUS, A KNAVISH FLATTERER.

When Lupus exhorts you, Urbicus, to become a father, do not believe that he means what he says; there is nothing that he desires less. It is part of the art of flattery to seem to wish what you do not wish. He earnestly desires that you may not do what he begs you to do. Were your Cosconia but to say that she is pregnant, Lupus would grow paler than a woman when her hour is come. But, that you may seem to have adopted the advice of your friend, die in such a way that he may imagine you have really become a father.

LVI. TO CHAEREMON.

When you extol death in such extravagant terms, Stoic Chaeremon, you wish me to admire and respect your spirit. Such magnanimity arises from your possession of only a pitcher with a broken handle, a cheerless hearth, warmed with no fire, a mat, plenty of fleas, a bare bedstead, and a short toga that serves you both night and day. How great a man you are, that can think of abandoning dregs of red vinegar, and straw, and black bread. But let your cushions swell with Leuconian wool, and soft purple covers adorn your couches; and let a favourite share your couch, who, when mixing the Caecuban wine for your guests, tortures them with the ruddiest of lips, how earnestly then will you desire to live thrice as long as Nestor; and study to lose no part of a single day! In adversity it is easy to despise life; the truly brave man is he who can endure to be miserable.

LVII. TO SEVERUS.

Do you wonder, learned Severus, that I send you verses when I ask you to dine with me?
Jupiter lives luxuriously on ambrosia and nectar; and yet we propitiate him with raw entrails and plain wine. Seeing that by the favour of heaven every blessing is yours, what can be offered you, if you are unwilling to receive what you already have?

LVIII. TO TELESPHORUS.

[Not translated in the Bohn except by the verse translation, which gives the general sense; Ker's translation in the Loeb is also misleading]

When with desire you see me racked,
The beggar's part you always act;
And if I grant not on the spot
Whatever you ask, you'll kiss me not.
Suppose my barber, steel in hand,
Should liberty and wealth demand,
I yield of course, for he is then
No barber, but a highwayman.
But, when his razor's in its case,
I'd have him flogged till black in the face.
And you, though you may think it odd,
When I've kissed you, shall kiss my rod.
W. S. B.

LIX. ON CLEARINUS.

Clearinus wears six rings on each of his fingers, and never takes them off; even at night, or when he bathes. Do you ask the reason? He has no ring-case. 1

1 He has his rings on hire.

LX. ON CHIONE AND PHLOGIS.

Is Phlogis or Chione the more fitted for dalliance, do you ask? More beautiful is Chione, but Phlogis has an itch; she has an itch that would rejuvenate Priam's powers and would not permit the aged Pylian 1 to be aged; she has an itch that every man wishes his own mistress to have, one Criton can cure, not Hygeia 2. But Chione is impassive, nor does she encourage you by any wooing word: you would fancy she were away from you, or were a marble status. Ye gods, were it permitted to prevail on you to bestow so great a gift, and were ye willing to give a blessing so precious, you would make Phlogis to have this body that Chione has, and Chione the itch that Phlogis has!

Not translated in the Bohn; this is Ker's version.

1 Nestor, the stereotypical old man.
2 Criton was a male doctor of Martial's time; Hygeia the goddess of health and daughter of Aesculapius here represents female doctors generally.

LXI. ON MANNEIUS.

[Not translated in either Bohn or Ker]

LXII. ON LESBIA.

Lesbia protests that no one has ever obtained her favours without payment. That is true; when she wants a lover, she herself pays.

LXIII. TO PHILOMUSUS.

[Not translated in the Bohn; evasively translated in Ker]

LXIV. TO FAUSTUS.

I do not know, Faustus, what it is that you write to so many girls. But this I know, that no girl writes anything to you.

LXV. TO JUSTINUS.

Six hundred people are invited to dine with you, Justinus, to celebrate the day on which you first saw the light; and among these, I remember, I used once not to be the last; nor was my position attended with envy. But your intention now is to offer me the honours of your festive board to-morrow; to-day you have a birth-day for the hundreds, to-morrow you will have one for me.

LXVI. TO VACERRA.

You are an informer, a calumniator, a forger, a secret agent, a slave to the unclean, and a trainer of gladiators. I wonder, Vacerra, why you have no money.

LXVII. TO MARO.

You give me nothing while you are living; you say that you will give me something at your death. If you are not a fool, Maro, you know what I desire.

Maro, you'll give me nothing while you live,
But after death you cry then, then you'll give:
If you are not indeed turned arrant ass,
You know what I desire to come to pass.
Fletcher.

LXVIII. TO MATHO.

You ask but small favours of your great friends; yet your great friends refuse you even small favours. That you may feel less ashamed, Matho, ask great favours.

LXIX. EPITAPH ON A HOUND NAMED LYDIA.

Nurtured among the trainers of the amphitheatre, bred up for the chase, fierce in the forest, gentle in the house, I was called Lydia, a most faithful attendant upon my master Dexter, who would not have preferred to me the hound of Erigone, or the dog which followed Cephalus from the land of Crete, and was translated with him to the stars of the light-bringing goddess. I died, not of length of years, nor of useless old age, as was the fate of the hound of Ulysses; I was killed by the fiery tooth of a foaming boar, as huge as that of Calydon or that of Erymanthus. Nor do I complain, though thus prematurely hurried to the shades below; I could not have died a nobler death.

LXX. TO TUCCA.

Can you, Tucca, sell these slaves whom you bought for a hundred thousand sesterces a-piece? Can you sell the weeping despots of your affections, Tucca? Do neither their caresses nor their words and untutored lamentations, or the necks wounded by your tooth move you? Ah, shame! Lift the tunic of either, . . . . 1 If a quantity of hard cash is your object, sell your plate, your tables, your myrrhine vases, your estate, your house. Sell aged slaves -- they will pardon --, sell too your paternal slaves; sell everything, wretched man, to avoid selling your young favourites. It was extravagance to buy them; who denies or doubts it? ----but it is far greater extravagance to sell them. 2

Inaccurately translated in the Bohn with various passages omitted without indication.

1 Ah facinus! tunica patet inguen utrinque levata,
Inspiciturque tua mentula facta manu.
2 Comp. B. ii. Ep. 63.

LXXI. ON LEDA.

Leda told her aged husband that she was hysterical, and regrets that intercourse is necessary for her; yet with tears and groans she says her health is not worth the sacrifice, and declares she would rather choose to die. Her lord bids her live, and not desert the bloom of her years, and he permits to be done what he cannot do himself. Immediately male doctors come in, and female doctors depart, and her feet are hoisted. Oh, what stringent treatment!

Not translated in the Bohn. The above is adapted from Ker.

LXXII. ON NATA.

[Not translated in the Bohn or Ker]

LXXIII. TO LYGDUS.

[Not translated in the Bohn]

LXXIV. ON BACCARA.

Baccara, a Rhaetician, entrusted the care of his ____ to a doctor, his rival in love; Baccara will be a gallus.

Not translated in the Bohn. This version based on Ker. A gallus was a eunuch priest of Cybele.

LXXV. TO CAELIA.

[Not translated in the Bohn]

LXXVI. TO PACTUS.

You oblige me to pay you eighty pounds, Pactus, because Bucco has occasioned you the loss or sixteen hundred. Let me not, I pray you, suffer for faults not my own. It is rather for you, who can support the loss of sixteen hundred, to submit to that of eighty.

LXXVII. ON VACERRA.

Vacerra, while passing his hours in everybody's dining-room, and sitting there all day long, desires not to empty his belly, but to fill it.

LXXVIII. TO VICTOR.

[Not translated in the Bohn or Ker].

LXXIX. TO PAETUS, ON THE SLOWNESS OF HIS MULES.

For arriving only at the first milestone after nine hours' travelling, I am charged with idleness and inactivity. The fault is not mine, I assure you, but your own, in sending me such mules, Paetus.

LXXX. TO FLACCUS, AT BAIAE.

Though, Flaccus, I were to praise Baiae, golden shore of the blessed Venus, Baiae, kind gift of Nature who is proud of it, in a thousand verses, yet would not Baiae be praised as it deserves. But, Flaccus, I prefer Martial1 to Baiae. To with far both at once would be presumptuous. But if by the kindness of the gods, that blessing were granted you, what happiness would it be to enjoy Martial's powers and the climate of Baiae at the same time!

1 That is, himself. He had rather mind his own business at home, than join Flaccus at Baiae to be enervated by its luxury.

LXXXI. ON AN OLD MAN AND A EUNUCH.

[Not translated in the Bohn or Ker]

LXXXII. ON PHILOSTRATUS.

Philostratus, returning to his lodging late at night, from a feast at Sinuessa, famed for its waters, very nearly lost his life, imitating Elpenor1 in his cruel fate, by rolling headlong down the whole length of a flight of stairs. He would not, you nymphs of Sinuessa, have incurred so great a danger, had he in preference drunk of your waters. 2

1 Who was killed by falling from the roof of Circe's cave. Odyss. B. x. 550.
2 Which were said to have such a sobering effect, that they cured even madness. Plin. H. N. xxxi. 2.

LXXXIII. TO SOSIBIANUS.

Nobody lodges in your house gratis, unless he be rich and childless. No one, Sosibianus, lets lodgings to more profit.

LXXXIV. ON ANTIOCHUS, AN UNSKILFUL BARBER.

Let him who does not wish yet to descend to the waters of Styx, avoid, if he be wise, the barber Antiochus. The knives with which, when the maddened troop of Cybele's priests rage to the sound of Phrygian measures, their white arms are lacerated, are less cruel than the razor of Antiochus. More gently does Alcon cut a strangulated hernia, and hew broken bones with his rude hand. Antiochus should deal with needy Cynics, and the beards of Stoics, and denude the necks of horses of their dusty manes. If he were to shave Prometheus under the Scythian rock, the Titan would again, with bared breast, demand his executioner the vulture. Pentheus would flee to his mother, Orpheus to the priestesses of Bacchus, were they to bear but a sound from the barbarous weapon of Antiochus. All these scars, that you count upon my chin, like those that sit upon the brow or an aged boxer, were not produced by the nails of an enraged wife, but by the steel and cursed hand of Antiochus. Of all animals the goat alone has any sense; he wears his beard, that he may not risk himself under the hands of Antiochus.

LXXXV. TO ZOILUS.

[Not translated in the Bohn or Ker]

LXXXVI. TO PARTHENOPAEUS.

To relieve your throat, Parthenopaeus, which is incessantly inflamed by a severe cough, your doctor prescribes honey, and nuts, and sweet cakes, and everything that is given to children to prevent them from being unruly. But you do not give over coughing all day long. A cough is not your malady, Parthenopaeus; it is gluttony.

LXXXVII. TO CHARIDEMUS.

You were once rich; but then you were for sodomy and for a long time no woman was of note to you. Now you run after old crones. Oh, how compelling is poverty! It makes you, Charidemus, a gallant.

Not translated in the Bohn; evasively translated by Ker. The above is adapted from Ker. 'gallant' is a softening of the coarse term used.

LXXXVIII. ON CHARISIANUS.

[Not translated in the Bohn or Ker]

LXXXIX. TO POLLA.

Why do you send me, Polla, wreaths of roses that are quite fresh? I would rather have roses that you have handled.

XC. TO CHRESTILLUS, AN ABSURD ADMIRER OF
THE OLD POETS.

You approve of no verses that run with a smooth cadence, but of those only that vault as it were over hills and crags; and a line such as this, Luceilei columella heic situ; Metrophan' est, "Lucilius's right hand, Metrophanes, lies here," is of more value in your eyes than a poem of Homer; and you read with ecstasy such words as terrai frugiferai, "the fruit-producing earth," as well as all that Attius and Pacuvius have sputtered forth. Do you wish me to imitate these old poets, Chrestillus, whom you so much admire? Confound me, if I think you know what vigour is. 1

1 Dispeream, ni scis mentula quid sapis.

XCI. EPITAPH OF CANACE.

Canace, one of the daughters of Aeolia, lies buried in this tomb, a little child whose seventh winter was her last. "O shame! O dire fate! " why are you in haste, traveller, to weep? We do not here complain of the shortness of life; sadder than death itself was the manner of it; a horrid disease destroyed her face, and seized upon her delicate mouth. The cruel foe devoured her very lips, nor was her body consigned entire to the funeral pile. If the fates intended to fall on her with auch headlong violence, they should have come in some other form. But death hastened to close the passage of her sweet voice, lest her tongue should dissuade the stern goddesses from their purpose.

XCII. TO ZOILUS.

He speaks erroneously, Zoilus, who calls you vicious You are not vicious, Zoilus, but vice itself.

XCIII. ON THEODORUS, A BAD POET.

The flames have destroyed the Pierian dwelling of the bard Theodorus.