No More Learning

More
footsteps. Ascending or descending? They were coming nearer, surely! Ah, no, no! The
sound grew fainter. She was going down again. The footsteps died away. No letters.

He took up his pen again. It was a quite futile gesture. She hadn’t written after all! The
little beast! He had not the smallest intention of doing any more work. Indeed, he could
not. The disappointment had taken all the heart out of him. Only five minutes ago his
poem had still seemed to him a living thing; now he knew it unmistakably for the
worthless tripe that it was. With a kind of nervous disgust he bundled the scattered sheets
together, stacked them in an untidy heap, and dumped them on the other side of the table,
under the aspidistra. He could not even bear to look at them any longer.

He got up. It was too early to go to bed; at least, he was not in the mood for it. He pined
for a bit of amusement — something cheap and easy. A seat in the pictures, cigarettes,
beer. Useless! No money to pay for any of them. He would read King Lear and forget this
filthy century. Finally, however, it was The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes that he took
from the mantelpiece. Sherlock Holmes was his favourite of all books, because he knew
it by heart. The oil in the lamp was giving out and it was getting beastly cold. Gordon
dragged the quilt from his bed, wrapped it round his legs, and sat down to read. His right
elbow on the table, his hands under his coat to keep them warm, he read through ‘The
Adventure of the Speckled Band. ’ The little gas-mantle sighed above, the circular flame
of the oil lamp burned low, a thin bracket of fire, giving out no more heat than a candle.



Down in Mrs Wisbeach’s lair the clock struck half past ten. You could always hear it
striking at night. Ping-ping, ping-ping — a note of doom! The ticking of the alarm clock
on the mantelpiece became audible to Gordon again, bringing with it the consciousness of
the sinister passage of time. He looked about him. Another evening wasted. Hours, days,
years slipping by. Night after night, always the same. The lonely room, the womanless
bed; dust, cigarette ash, the aspidistra leaves. And he was thirty, nearly. In sheer self-
punishment he dragged forth a wad of London Pleasures, spread out the grimy sheets, and
looked at them as one looks at a skull for a memento mori. London Pleasures, by Gordon
Comstock, author of Mice. His magnum opus. The fruit (fruit, indeed! ) of two years’
work — that labyrinthine mess of words! And tonight’s achievement — two lines crossed
out; two lines backward instead of forward.

The lamp made a sound like a tiny hiccup and went out. With an effort Gordon stood up
and flung the quilt back on to his bed. Better get to bed, perhaps, before it got any colder.
He wandered over towards the bed. But wait. Work tomorrow. Wind the clock, set the
alarm. Nothing accomplished, nothing done, has earned a night’s repose.

It was some time before he could find the energy to undress. For a quarter of an hour,
perhaps, he lay on the bed fully dressed, his hands under his head. There was a crack on
the ceiling that resembled the map of Australia. Gordon contrived to work off his shoes
and socks without sitting up. He held up one foot and looked at it. A smallish, delicate
foot. Ineffectual, like his hands. Also, it was very dirty. It was nearly ten days since he
had a bath. Becoming ashamed of the dirtiness of his feet, he sagged into a sitting
position and undressed himself, throwing his clothes on to the floor. Then he turned out
the gas and slid between the sheets, shuddering, for he was naked. He always slept naked.
His last suit of pyjamas had gone west more than a year ago.

The clock downstairs struck eleven. As the first coldness of the sheets wore off, Gordon’s
mind went back to the poem he had begun that afternoon. He repeated in a whisper the
single stanza that was finished:

Sharply the menacing wind sweeps over The bending poplars, newly bare, And dark
ribbons of the chimneys Veer downward; flicked by whips of air, Torn posters flutter.



The octosyllables flicked to and fro. Click-click, click-click! The awful, mechanical
emptiness of it appalled him. It was like some futile little machine ticking over. Rhyme to
rhyme, click-click, click-click. Like the nodding of a clock-work doll. Poetry! The last
futility. He lay awake, aware of his own futility, of his thirty years, of the blind alley into
which he had led his life.

The clock struck twelve. Gordon had stretched his legs out straight. The bed had grown
warm and comfortable. The upturned beam of a car, somewhere in the street parallel to
Willowbed Road, penetrated the blind and threw into silhouette a leaf of the aspidistra,
shaped like Agamemnon’s sword.


Chapter 3

‘Gordon Comstock’ was a pretty bloody name, but then Gordon came from a pretty
bloody family. The ‘Gordon’ part of it was Scotch, of course. The prevalence of such
names nowadays is merely a part of the Scotch ification of England that has been going
on these last fifty years. ‘Gordon’, ‘Colin’, ‘Malcolm’, ‘Donald’ — these are the gifts of
Scotland to the world, along with golf, whisky, porridge, and the works of Barrie and
Stevenson.

The Comstocks belonged to the most dismal of all classes, the middle-middle class, the
landless gentry. In their miserable poverty they had not even the snobbish consolation of
regarding themselves as an ‘old’ family fallen on evil days, for they were not an ‘old’
family at all, merely one of those families which rose on the wave of Victorian prosperity
and then sank again faster than the wave itself. They had had at most fifty years of
comparative wealth, corresponding with the lifetime of Gordon’s grandfather, Samuel
Comstock — Gran’pa Comstock, as Gordon was taught to call him, though the old man
died four years before he was born.


Gran’pa Comstock was one of those people who even from the grave exert a powerful
influence. In life he was a tough old scoundrel. He plundered the proletariat and the



foreigner of fifty thousand pounds, he built himself a red brick mansion as durable as a
pyramid, and he begot twelve children, of whom eleven survived. Finally he died quite
suddenly, of a cerebral haemorrhage. In Kensal Green his children placed over him a
monolith with the following inscription:

IN EVER LOVING MEMORY OF

SAMUEL EZEKIEL COMSTOCK,

A FAITHFUL HUSBAND, A TENDER FATHER AND

AN UPRIGHT AND GODLY MAN,

WHO WAS BORN ON 9 JULY 1828, AND

DEPARTED THIS LIFE 5 SEPTEMBER 1901,

THIS STONE IS ERECTED BY

HIS SORROWING CHILDREN.

HE SLEEPS IN THE ARMS OF JESUS.

No need to repeat the blasphemous comments which everyone who had known Gran’pa
Comstock made on that last sentence. But it is worth pointing out that the chu nk of
granite on which it was inscribed weighed close on five tons and was quite certainly put
there with the intention, though not the conscious intention, of making sure that Gran’pa
Comstock shouldn’t get up from underneath it. If you want to know what a dead man’s
relatives really think of him, a good rough test is the weight of his tombstone.

The Comstocks, as Gordon knew them, were a peculiarly dull, shabby, dead-alive,
ineffectual family. They lacked vitality to an extent that was surprising. That was
Gran’pa Comstock’s doing, of course. By the time when he died all his children were
grown up and some of them were middle-aged, and he had long ago succeeded in
crushing out of them any spirit they might ever have possessed. He had lain upon them as
a garden roller lies upon daisies, and there was no chance of their flattened personalities



ever expanding again. One and all they turned out listless, gutless, unsuccessful sort of
people. None of the boys had proper professions, because Gran’pa Comstock had been at
the greatest pains to drive all of them into professions for which they were totally
unsuited. Only one of them — John, Gordon’s father — had even braved Gran’pa
Comstock to the extent of getting married during the latter’s lifetime. It was impossible to
imagine any of them making any sort of mark in the world, or creating anything, or
destroying anything, or being happy, or vividly unhappy, or fully alive, or even earning a
decent income. They just drifted along in an atmosphere of semi-genteel failure. They
were one of those depressing families, so common among the middle-middle classes, in
which NOTHING EVER HAPPENS.

From his earliest childhood Gordon’s relatives had depressed him horribly. When he was
a little boy he still had great numbers of uncles and aunts living. They were all more or
less alike — grey, shabby, joyless people, all rather sickly in health and all perpetually
harassed by money-worries which fizzled along without ever reaching the sensational
explosion of bankruptcy. It was noticeable even then that they had lost all impulse to
reproduce themselves. Really vital people, whether they have money or whether they
haven’t, multiply almost as automatically as animals. Gran’pa Comstock, for instance,
himself one of a litter of twelve, had produced eleven progeny. Yet all those eleven
produced only two progeny between them, and those two — Gordon and his sister Julia —
had produced, by 1934, not even one. Gordon, last of the Comstocks, was born in 1905,
an unintended child; and thereafter, in thirty long, long years, there was not a single birth
in the family, only deaths. And not only in the matter of marrying and begetting, but in
every possible way, NOTHING EVER HAPPENED in the Comstock family. Every one
of them seemed doomed, as though by a curse, to a dismal, shabby, hole-and-comer
existence. None of them ever DID anything. They were the kind of people who in every
conceivable activity, even if it is only getting on to a bus, are automatically elbowed
away from the heart of things. All of them, of course, were hopeless fools about money.
Gran’pa Comstock had finally divided his money among them more or less equally, so
that each received, after the sale of the red-brick mansion, round about five thousand
pounds. And no sooner was Gran’pa Comstock underground than they began to fritter
their money away. None of them had the guts to lose it in sensational ways such as
squandering it on women or at the races; they simply dribbled it away and dribbled it
away, the women in silly investments and the men in futile little business ventures that



petered out after a year or two, leaving a net loss. More than half of them went unmarried
to their graves. Some of the women did make rather undesirable middle-aged marriages
after their father was dead, but the men, because of their incapacity to earn a proper
living, were the kind who ‘can’t afford’ to marry. None of them, except Gordon’s Aunt
Angela, ever had so much as a home to call their own; they were the kind of people who
live in godless ‘rooms’ and tomb-like boarding-houses. And year after year they died off
and died off, of dingy but expensive little diseases that swallowed up the last penny of
their capital. One of the women, Gordon’s Aunt Charlotte, wandered off into the Mental
Home at Clapham in 1916. The Mental Homes of England, how chock-a-block they
stand! And it is above all derelict spinsters of the middle-classes who keep them going.
By 1934 only three of that generation survived; Aunt Charlotte already mentioned, and
Aunt Angela, who by some happy chance had been induced to buy a house and a tiny
annuity in 1912, and Uncle Walter, who dingily existed on the few hundred pounds that
were left out of his five thousand and by running short-lived ‘agencies’ for this and that.

Gordon grew up in the atmosphere of cut-down clothes and stewed neck of mutton. His
father, like the other Comstocks, was a depressed and therefore depressing person, but he
had some brains and a slight literary turn. And seeing that his mind was of the literary
type and he had a shrinking horror of anything to do with figures, it had seemed only
natural to Gran’pa Comstock to make him into a chartered accountant. So he practised,
ineffectually, as a chartered accountant, and was always buying his way into partnerships
which were dissolved after a year or two, and his income fluctuated, sometimes rising to
five hundred a year and sometimes falling to two hundred, but always with a tendency to
decrease. He died in 1922, aged only fifty-six, but worn out — he had suffered from a
kidney disease for a long time past.

Since the Comstocks were genteel as well as shabby, it was considered necessary to
waste huge sums on Gordon’s ‘education’. What a fearful thing it is, this incubus of
‘education’! It means that in order to send his son to the right kind of school (that is, a
public school or an imitation of one) a middle-class man is obliged to live for years on
end in a style that would be scorned by a jobbing plumber. Gordon was sent to wretched,
pretentious schools whose fees were round about 120 pounds a year. Even these fees, of
course, meant fearful sacrifices at home. Meanwhile Julia, who was five years older than
he, received as nearly as possible no education at all. She was, indeed, sent to one or two



poor, dingy little boarding schools, but she was ‘taken away’ for good when she was
sixteen. Gordon was ‘the boy’ and Julia was ‘the girl’, and it seemed natural to everyone
that ‘the girl’ should be sacrificed to ‘the boy’. Moreover, it had early been decided in the
family that Gordon was ‘clever’. Gordon, with his wonderful ‘cleverness’, was to win
scholarships, make a brilliant success in life, and retrieve the family fortunes — that was
the theory, and no one believed in it more firmly than Julia. Julia was a tall, ungainly girl,
much taller than Gordon, with a thin face and a neck just a little too long — one of those
girls who even at their most youthful remind one irresistibly of a goose. But her nature
was simple and affectionate. She was a self-effacing, home-keeping, ironing, darning,
and mending kind of girl, a natural spinster-soul. Even at sixteen she had ‘old maid’
written all over her. She idolized Gordon. All through his childhood she watched over
him, nursed him, spoiled him, went in rags so that he might have the right clothes to go to
school in, saved up her wretched pocket-money to buy him Christmas presents and
birthday presents. And of course he repaid her, as soon as he was old enough, by
despising her because she was not pretty and not ‘clever’.

Even at the third-rate schools to which Gordon was sent nearly all the boys were richer
than himself They soon found out his poverty, of course, and gave him hell because of it.
Probably the greatest cruelty one can inflict on a child is to send it to school among
children richer than itself. A child conscious of poverty will suffer snobbish agonies such
as a grown-up person can scarcely imagine. In those days, especially at his preparatory
school, Gordon’s life had been one long conspiracy to keep his end up and pretend that
his parents were richer than they were. Ah, the humiliations of those days! That awful
business, for instance, at the beginning of each term, when you had to ‘give in’ to the
headmaster, publicly, the money you had brought back with you; and the contemptuous,
cruel sniggers from the other boys when you didn’t ‘give in’ ten bob or more. And the
time when the others found out that Gordon was wearing a ready-made suit which had
cost thirty-five shillings! The times that Gordon dreaded most of all were when his
parents came down to see him. Gordon, in those days still a believer, used actually to
pray that his parents wouldn’t come down to school. His father, especially, was the kind
of father you couldn’t help being ashamed of; a cadaverous, despondent man, with a bad
stoop, his clothes dismally shabby and hopelessly out of date. He carried about with him
an atmosphere of failure, worry, and boredom. And he had such a dreadful habit, when he
was saying good-bye, of tipping Gordon half a crown right in front of the other boys, so



that everyone could see that it was only half a crown and not, as it ought to have been, ten
bob! Even twenty years afterwards the memory of that school made Gordon shudder.

The first effect of all this was to give him a crawling reverence for money. In those days
he actually hated his poverty-stricken relatives — his father and mother, Julia, everybody.
He hated them for their dingy homes, their dowdiness, their joyless attitude to life, their
endless worrying and groaning over threepences and sixpences. By far the commonest
phrase in the Comstock household was, ‘We can’t afford it. ’ In those days he longed for
money as only a child can long. Why SHOULDN’T one have decent clothes and plenty
of sweets and go to the pictures as often as one wanted to? He blamed his parents for
their poverty as though they had been poor on purpose. Why couldn’t they be like other
boys’ parents? They PREFERRED being poor, it seemed to him. That is how a child’s
mind works.

But as he grew older he grew — not less unreasonable, exactly, but unreasonable in a
different way. By this time he had found his feet at school and was less violently
oppressed. He never was very successful at school — he did no work and won no
scholarships — but he managed to develop his brain along the lines that suited it. He read
the books which the headmaster denounced from the pulpit, and developed unorthodox
opinions about the C. of E. , patriotism, and the Old Boys’ tie. Also he began writing
poetry. He even, after a year or two, began to send poems to the Athenaeum, the New
Age, and the Weekly Westminster; but they were invariably rejected. Of course there
were other boys of similar type with whom he associated. Every public school has its
small self-conscious intelligentsia. And at that moment, in the years just after the War,
England was so full of revolutionary opinion that even the public schools were infected
by it. The young, even those who had been too young to fight, were in a bad temper with
their elders, as well they might be; practically everyone with any brains at all was for the
moment a revolutionary. Meanwhile the old — those over sixty, say — were running in
circles like hens, squawking about ‘subversive ideas’. Gordon and his friends had quite
an exciting time with their ‘subversive ideas’. For a whole year they ran an unofficial
monthly paper called the Bolshevik, duplicated with a jellygraph. It advocated Socialism,
free love, the dismemberment of the British Empire, the abolition of the Army and Navy,
and so on and so forth. It was great fun. Every intelligent boy of sixteen is a Socialist. At
that age one does not see the hook sticking out of the rather stodgy bait.



In a crude, boyish way, he had begun to get the hang of this money-business.
At an
earlier age than most people he grasped that ALL modern commerce is a swindle.
Curiously enough, it was the advertisements in the Underground stations that first
brought it home to him. He little knew, as the biographers say, that he himself would one
day have a job in an advertising firm. But there was more to it than the mere fact that
business is a swindle. What he realized, and more clearly as time went on, was that
money-worship has been elevated into a religion. Perhaps it is the only real religion — the
only really FELT religion — that is left to us. Money is what God used to be. Good and
evil have no meaning any longer except failure and success. Hence the profoundly
significant phrase, to MAKE GOOD. The decalogue has been reduced to two
commandments. One for the employers — the elect, the money-priesthood as it were —
‘Thou shalt make money’; the other for the employed — the slaves and underlings — ‘Thou
shalt not lose thy job. ’ It was about this time that he came across The Ragged Trousered
Philanthropists and read about the starving carpenter who pawns everything but sticks to
his aspidistra. The aspidistra became a sort of symbol for Gordon after that. The
aspidistra, flower of England! It ought to be on our coat of arms instead of the lion and
the unicorn. There will be no revolution in England while there are aspidistras in the
windows.

He did not hate and despise his relatives now — or not so much, at any rate. They still
depressed him greatly — those poor old withering aunts and uncles, of whom two or three
had already died, his father, worn out and spiritless, his mother, faded, nervy, and
‘delicate’ (her lungs were none too strong), Julia, already, at one-and-twenty, a dutiful,
resigned drudge who worked twelve hours a day and never had a decent frock. But he
grasped now what was the matter with them. It was not MERELY the lack of money. It
was rather that, having no money, they still lived mentally in the money-world — the
world in which money is virtue and poverty is crime. It was not poverty but the down-
dragging of RESPECTABLE poverty that had done for them. They had accepted the
money-code, and by that code they were failures. They had never had the sense to lash
out and just LIVE, money or no money, as the lower classes do. How right the lower
classes are! Hats off to the factory lad who with fourpence in the world puts his girl in the
family way! At least he’s got blood and not money in his veins.



Gordon thought it all out, in the naive selfish manner of a boy. There are two ways to
live, he decided. You can be rich, or you can deliberately refuse to be rich. You can
possess money, or you can despise money; the one fatal thing is to worship money and
fail to get it. He took it for granted that he himself would never be able to make money. It
hardly even occurred to him that he might have talents which could be turned to account.
That was what his schoolmasters had done for him; they had rubbed it into him that he
was a seditious little nuisance and not likely to ‘succeed’ in life. He accepted this. Very
well, then, he would refuse the whole business of ‘succeeding’; he would make it his
especial purpose NOT to ‘succeed’. Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven; better to
serve in hell than serve in heaven, for that matter. Already, at sixteen, he knew which side
he was on. He was AGAINST the money-god and all his swinish priesthood. He had
declared war on money; but secretly, of course.

It was when he was seventeen that his father died, leaving about two hundred pounds.
Julia had been at work for some years now. During 1918 and 1919 she had worked in a
Government office, and after that she took a course of cookery and got a job in a nasty,
ladylike little teashop near Earl’s Court Underground Station. She worked a seventy-two
hour week and was given her lunch and tea and twenty-five shillings; out of this she
contributed twelve shillings a week, often more, to the household expenses. Obviously
the best thing to do, now that Mr Comstock was dead, would have been to take Gordon
away from school, find him a job, and let Julia have the two hundred pounds to set up a
teashop of her own. But here the habitual Comstock folly about money stepped in.
Neither Julia nor her mother would hear of Gordon leaving school. With the strange
idealistic snobbishness of the middle classes, they were willing to go to the workhouse
sooner than let Gordon leave school before the statutory age of eighteen. The two
hundred pounds, or more than half of it, must be used in completing Gordon’s
‘education’. Gordon let them do it. He had declared war on money but that did not
prevent him from being damnably selfish. Of course he dreaded this business of going to
work. What boy wouldn’t dread it? Pen-pushing in some filthy office — God! His uncles
and aunts were already talking dismally about ‘getting Gordon settled in life’. They saw
everything in tenns of ‘good’ jobs. Young Smith had got such a ‘good’ job in a bank, and
young Jones had got such a ‘good’ job in an insurance office. It made him sick to hear
them. They seemed to want to see every young man in England nailed down in the coffin
of a ‘good’ job.



Meanwhile, money had got to be earned. Before her marriage Gordon’s mother had been
a music teacher, and even since then she had taken pupils, sporadically, when the family
were in lower water than usual. She now decided that she would start giving lessons
again. It was fairly easy to get pupils in the suburbs — they were living in Acton — and
with the music fees and Julia’s contribution they could probably ‘manage’ for the next
year or two. But the state of Mrs Comstock’s lungs was now something more than
‘delicate’. The doctor who had attended her husband before his death had put his
stethoscope to her chest and looked serious. He had told her to take care of herself, keep
warm, eat nourishing food, and, above all, avoid fatigue. The fidgeting, tiring job of
giving piano lessons was, of course, the worst possible thing for her. Gordon knew
nothing of this. Julia knew, however. It was a secret between the two women, carefully
kept from Gordon.

A year went by. Gordon spent it rather miserably, more and more embarrassed by his
shabby clothes and lack of pocket-money, which made girls an object of terror to him.
However, the New Age accepted one of his poems that year. Meanwhile, his mother sat
on comfortless piano stools in draughty drawing-rooms, giving lessons at two shillings an
hour. And then Gordon left school, and fat interfering Uncle Walter, who had business
connexions in a small way, came forward and said that a friend of a friend of his could
get Gordon ever such a ‘good’ job in the accounts department of a red lead firm. It was
really a splendid job — a wonderful opening for a young man. If Gordon buckled to work
in the right spirit he might be a Big Pot one of these days. Gordon’s soul squirmed.
Suddenly, as weak people do, he stiffened, and, to the horror of the whole family, refused
even to try for the job.

There were fearful rows, of course. They could not understand him. It seemed to them a
kind of blasphemy to refuse such a ‘good’ job when you got the chance of it. He kept
reiterating that he didn’t want THAT KIND of job. Then what DID he want? they all
demanded. He wanted to ‘write’, he told them sullenly. But how could he possibly make
a living by ‘writing’? they demanded again. And of course he couldn’t answer. At the
back of his mind was the idea that he could somehow live by writing poetry; but that was
too absurd even to be mentioned. But at any rate, he wasn’t going into business, into the
money-world. He would have a job, but not a ‘good’ job. None of them had the vaguest
idea what he meant. His mother wept, even Julia ‘went for’ him, and all round him there



were uncles and aunts (he still had six or seven of them left) feebly volleying and
incompetently thundering. And after three days a dreadful thing happened. In the middle
of supper his mother was seized by a violent fit of coughing, put her hand to her breast,
fell forward, and began bleeding at the mouth.

Gordon was terrified. His mother did not die, as it happened, but she looked deathly as
they carried her upstairs. Gordon rushed for the doctor. For several days his mother lay at
death’s door. It was the draughty drawing-rooms and the trudging to and fro in all
weathers that had done it. Gordon hung helplessly about the house, a dreadful feeling of
guilt mingling with his misery. He did not exactly know but he half divined, that his
mother had killed herself in order to pay his school fees. After this he could not go on
opposing her any longer. He went to Uncle Walter and told him that he would take that
job in the red lead firm, if they would give it him. So Uncle Walter spoke to his friend,
and the friend spoke to his friend, and Gordon was sent for and interviewed by an old
gentleman with badly fitting false teeth, and finally was given a job, on probation. He
started on twenty-five bob a week. And with this firm he remained six years.

They moved away from Acton and took a flat in a desolate red block of flats somewhere
in the Paddington district. Mrs Comstock had brought her piano, and when she had got
some of her strength back she gave occasional lessons. Gordon’s wages were gradually
raised, and the three of them ‘managed’, more or less. It was Julia and Mrs Comstock
who did most of the ‘managing’. Gordon still had a boy’s selfishness about money. At
the office he got on not absolutely badly. It was said of him that he was worth his wages
but wasn’t the type that Makes Good. In a way the utter contempt that he had for his
work made things easier for him. He could put up with this meaningless office-life,
because he never for an instant thought of it as permanent. Somehow, sometime, God
knew how or when, he was going to break free of it. After all, there was always his
‘writing’. Some day, perhaps, he might be able to make a living of sorts by ‘writing’; and
you’d feel you were free of the money-stink if you were a ‘writer’, would you not? The
types he saw all round him, especially the older men, made him squirm. That was what it
meant to worship the money-god! To settle down, to Make Good, to sell your soul for a
villa and an aspidistra! To turn into the typical little bowler-hatted sneak — Strube’s Tittle
man’ — the little docile cit who slips home by the six-fifteen to a supper of cottage pie and
stewed tinned pears, half an hour’s listening-in to the B. B. C. Symphony Concert, and



then perhaps a spot of licit sexual intercourse if his wife ‘feels in the mood’! What a fate!
No, it isn’t like that that one was meant to live. One’s got to get right out of it, out of the
money-stink. It was a kind of plot that he was nursing. He was as though dedicated to this
war against money. But it was still a secret. The people at the office never suspected him
of unorthodox ideas. They never even found out that he wrote poetry — not that there was
much to find out, for in six years he had less than twenty poems printed in the magazines.
To look at, he was just the same as any other City clerk — just a soldier in the strap-
hanging army that sways eastward at morning, westward at night in the carriages of the
Underground.

He was twenty-four when his mother died. The family was breaking up. Only four of the
older generation of Comstocks were left now — Aunt Angela, Aunt Charlotte, Uncle
Walter, and another uncle who died a year later. Gordon and Julia gave up the flat.
Gordon took a furnished room in Doughty Street (he felt vaguely literary, living in
Bloomsbury), and Julia moved to Earl’s Court, to be near the shop. Julia was nearly thirty
now, and looked much older. She was thinner than ever, though healthy enough, and
there was grey in her hair. She still worked twelve hours a day, and in six years her wages
had only risen by ten shillings a week. The horribly ladylike lady who kept the teashop
was a semi-friend as well as an employer, and thus could sweat and bully Julia to the tune
of ‘dearest’ and ‘darling’. Four months after his mother’s death Gordon suddenly walked
out of his job. He gave the firm no reasons. They imagined that he was going to ‘better
himself, and — luckily, as it turned out — gave him quite good references. He had not
even thought of looking for another job. He wanted to bum his boats. From now on he
would breathe free air, free of the money-stink. He had not consciously waited for his
mother to die before doing this; still, it was his mother’s death that had nerved him to it.

Of course there was another and more desolating row in what was left of the family. They
thought Gordon must have gone mad. Over and over again he tried, quite vainly, to
explain to them why he would not yield himself to the servitude of a ‘good’ job. ‘But
what are you going to live on? What are you going to live on? ’ was what they all wailed
at him. He refused to think seriously about it. Of course, he still harboured the notion that
he could make a living of sorts by ‘writing’. By this time he had got to know Ravelston,
editor of Antichrist, and Ravelston, besides printing his poems, managed to get him
books to review occasionally. His literary prospects were not so bleak as they had been



six years ago. But still, it was not the desire to ‘write’ that was his real motive. To get out
of the money-world — that was what he wanted. Vaguely he looked forward to some kind
of moneyless, anchorite existence. He had a feeling that if you genuinely despise money
you can keep going somehow, like the birds of the air. He forgot that the birds of the air
don’t pay room-rent. The poet starving in a garret — but starving, somehow, not
uncomfortably — that was his vision of himself.

The next seven months were devastating. They scared him and almost broke his spirit. He
learned what it means to live for weeks on end on bread and margarine, to try to ‘write’
when you are half starved, to pawn your clothes, to sneak trembling up the stairs when
you owe three weeks’ rent and your landlady is listening for you. Moreover, in those
seven months he wrote practically nothing. The first effect of poverty is that it kills
thought. He grasped, as though it were a new discovery, that you do not escape from
money merely by being moneyless. On the contrary, you are the hopeless slave of money
until you have enough of it to live on — a ‘competence’, as the beastly middle-class
phrase goes. Finally he was turned out of his room, after a vulgar row. He was three days
and four nights in the street. It was bloody. Three mornings, on the advice of another man
he met on the Embankment, he spent in Billingsgate, helping to shove fish-barrows up
the twisty little hills from Billingsgate into Eastcheap. ‘Twopence an up’ was what you
got, and the work knocked hell out of your thigh muscles. There were crowds of people
on the same job, and you had to wait your turn; you were lucky if you made eighteen-
pence between four in the morning and nine. After three days of it Gordon gave up. What
was the use? He was beaten. There was nothing for it but to go back to his family, borrow
some money, and find another job.

But now, of course, there was no job to be had. For months he lived by cadging on the
family. Julia kept him going till the last penny of her tiny savings was gone. It was
abominable. Here was the outcome of all his fine attitudes! He had renounced ambition,
made war on money, and all it led to was cadging from his sister! And Julia, he knew, felt
his failure far more than she felt the loss of her savings. She had had such hopes of
Gordon. He alone of all the Comstocks had had it in him to ‘succeed’. Even now she
believed that somehow, some day, he was going to retrieve the family fortunes. He was
so ‘clever’ — surely he could make money if he tried! For two whole months Gordon
stayed with Aunt Angela in her little house at Highgate — poor, faded, mummified Aunt



Angela, who even for herself had barely enough to eat. All this time he searched
desperately for work. Uncle Walter could not help him. His influence in the business
world, never large, was now practically nil. At last, however, in a quite unexpected way,
the luck turned.