He felt
horribly
lonely.
Warner - World's Best Literature - v22 - Sac to Sha
Alone
it lay there, a heap of round ironstones piled one upon another,
as over some giant's grave. Here and there a few tufts of
grass or small succulent plants had sprung up among its stones;
and on the very summit a clump of prickly pears lifted thei
thorny arms, and reflected, as from mirrors, the moonlight on
their broad fleshy leaves. At the foot of the "kopje" lay the
homestead. First, the stone-walled sheep kraals and Kaffir huts;
beyond them the dwelling-house,-a square red brick building
with thatched roof. Even on its bare red walls, and the wooden
ladder that led up to the loft, the moonlight cast a kind of
dreamy beauty; and quite etherealized the low brick wall that
ran before the house, and which inclosed a bare patch of sand
and two straggling sunflowers. On the zinc roof of the great
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open wagon-house, on the roofs of the outbuildings that jutted
from its side, the moonlight glinted with a quite peculiar bright-
ness, till it seemed that every rib in the metal was of burnished
silver.
Sleep ruled everywhere, and the homestead was not less quiet
than the solitary plain.
In the farm-house, on her great wooden bedstead, Tant' San-
nie, the Boer-woman, rolled heavily in her sleep.
She had gone to bed, as she always did, in her clothes; and
the night was warm, and the room close: and she dreamed bad
dreams,—not of the ghosts and devils that so haunted her waking
thoughts; not of her second husband, the consumptive English-
man, whose grave lay away beyond the ostrich camps, nor of
her first, the young Boer, but only of the sheep's trotters she had
eaten for supper that night. She dreamed that one stuck fast in
her throat, and she rolled her huge form from side to side and
snorted horribly.
In the next room, where the maid had forgotten to close the
shutter, the white moonlight fell in in a flood, and made it light as
day. There were two small beds against the wall. In one lay a
yellow-haired child, with a low forehead and a freckled face; but
the loving moonlight hid defects here as elsewhere, and showed
only the innocent face of a child in its first sweet sleep.
The figure in the companion bed belonged of right to the
moonlight, for it was of quite elfin-like beauty. The child had
dropped her cover on the floor, and the moonlight looked in at
the naked little limbs. Presently she opened her eyes, and looked
at the moonlight that was bathing her.
"Em! " she called to the sleeper in the other bed, but re-
ceived no answer. Then she drew the cover from the floor,
turned her pillow, and pulling the sheet over her head, went to
sleep again.
Only in one of the outbuildings that jutted from the wagon-
house, there was some one who was not asleep. The room was
dark; door and shutter were closed; not a ray of light entered
anywhere. The German overseer, to whom the room belonged,
lay sleeping soundly on his bed in the corner, his great arms
folded, and his bushy gray-and-black beard rising and falling on
his breast. But one in the room was not asleep. Two large
eyes looked about in the darkness, and two small hands were
smoothing the patchwork quilt. The boy, who slept on a box
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under the window, had just awakened from his first sleep. He
drew the quilt up to his chin, so that little peered above it but
a great head of silky black curls, and the two black eyes. He
stared about in the darkness. Nothing was visible; not even the
outline of one worm-eaten rafter, nor of the deal table on which
lay the Bible from which his father had read before they went
to bed. No one could tell where the tool-box was, and where
the fireplace. There was something very impressive to the child
in the complete darkness.
At the head of his father's bed hung a great silver hunting-
watch. It ticked loudly. The boy listened to it, and began
mechanically to count. Tick-tick-tick! one, two, three, four!
He lost count presently, and only listened. Tick-tick - tick-
tick!
It never waited; it went on inexorably; and every time it
ticked, a man died! He raised himself a little on his elbow
and listened. He wished it would leave off.
How many times had it ticked since he came to lie down ? A
thousand times, a million times, perhaps.
He tried to count again, and sat up to listen better.
“Dying, dying, dying! " said the watch; "dying, dying, dy-
ing! "
Where were they going to, all those
He heard it distinctly.
people?
He lay down quickly, and pulled the cover up over his head;
but presently the silky curls reappeared.
"Dying, dying, dying! " said the watch; "dying, dying, dy-
ing! "
He thought of the words his father had read that evening:
"For wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to
destruction, and many there be which go in thereat. "
"Many, many, many! " said the watch.
"Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, that
leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. "
"Few, few, few! " said the watch.
The boy lay with his eyes wide open. He saw before him
a long stream of people, a great dark multitude, that moved in
one direction; then they came to the dark edge of the world,
and went over. He saw them passing on before him, and there
was nothing that could stop them. He thought of how that
XXII-811
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stream had rolled on through all the long ages of the past
how the old Greeks and Romans had gone over; the countless
millions of China and India, they were going over now. Since
he had come to bed, how many had gone!
And the watch said, "Eternity, eternity, eternity! "
"Stop them! stop them! " cried the child.
And all the while the watch kept ticking on; just like God's
will, that never changes or alters, you may do what you please.
Great beads of perspiration stood on the boy's forehead. He
climbed out of bed, and lay with his face turned to the mud
floor.
"O God, God! save them! " he cried in agony. "Only some;
only a few! Only, for each moment I am praying here, one! "
He folded his little hands upon his head. "God! God! save
them! "
He groveled on the floor.
over!
Oh, the long, long ages of the past, in which they had gone
Oh, the long, long future, in which they would pass
away! O God! the long, long, long eternity, which has no end!
The child wept, and crept closer to the ground.
THE SACRIFICE
THE farm by daylight was not as the farm by moonlight.
The plain was a weary flat of loose red sand, sparsely covered
by dry karroo bushes, that cracked beneath the tread like tinder,
and showed the red earth everywhere. Here and there a milk-
bush lifted its pale-colored rods, and in every direction the ants
and beetles ran about in the blazing sand. The red walls of the
farm-house, the zinc roofs of the outbuildings, the stone walls of
the kraals, all reflected the fierce sunlight, till the eye ached and
blenched. No tree or shrub was to be seen far or near. The
two sunflowers that stood before the door, outstared by the sun,
drooped their brazen faces to the sand; and the little cicada-like
insects cried aloud among the stones of, the "kopje. "
The Boer-woman seen by daylight was even less lovely than
when, in bed, she rolled and dreamed. She sat on a chair in
the great front room, with her feet on a wooden stove, and
wiped her flat face with the corner of her apron, and drank
coffee, and in Cape Dutch swore that the beloved weather was
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12963
damned. L lovely, too, by daylight was the dead English-
man's child, her little stepdaughter, upon whose freckles and low
wrinkled forehead the sunlight had no mercy.
"Lyndall," the child said to her little orphan cousin, who
sat with her on the floor threading beads, "how is it your beads
never fall off your needle ? »
"I try," said the little one gravely, moistening her tiny finger,
"That is why. "
The overseer, seen by daylight, was a huge German, wearing
a shabby suit, and with a childish habit of rubbing his hands
and nodding his head prodigiously when pleased at anything. He
stood out at the kraals, in the blazing sun, explaining to two
Kaffir boys the approaching end of the world. The boys, as
they cut the cakes of dung, winked at each other, and worked as
slowly as they possibly could; but the German never saw it.
Away beyond the "kopje," Waldo, his son, herded the ewes
and lambs, a small and dusty herd,-powdered all over from
head to foot with red sand, wearing a ragged coat, and shoes
of undressed leather, through whose holes the toes looked out.
His hat was too large, and had sunk down to his eyes, concealing
completely the silky black curls. It was a curious small figure.
His flock gave him little trouble. It was too hot for them to
move far; they gathered round every little milk-bush as though
they hoped to find shade, and stood there motionless in clumps.
He himself crept under a shelving rock that lay at the foot of
the "kopje," stretched himself on his stomach, and waved his
dilapidated little shoes in the air.
Soon, from the blue bag where he kept his dinner, he pro-
duced a fragment of slate, an arithmetic, and a pencil. Proceed-
ing to put down a sum with solemn and earnest demeanor, he
began to add it up aloud: "Six and two is eight, and four is
twelve, and two is fourteen, and four is eighteen. " Here he
paused. "And four is eighteen-and-four — is eighteen. "
—
The last was very much drawled. Slowly the pencil slipped
from his fingers, and the slate followed it into the sand. For
a while he lay motionless; then began muttering to himself,
folded his little arms, laid his head down upon them, and might
have been asleep but for a muttering sound that from time to
time proceeded from him. A curious old ewe came to sniff at
him; but it was long before he raised his head. When he did,
he looked at the far-off hills with his heavy eyes.
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"Ye shall receive, ye shall receive,-shall, shall, shall," he
muttered.
He sat up then. Slowly the dullness and heaviness melted
from his face; it became radiant. Midday had come now, and
the sun's rays were poured down vertically; the earth throbbed
before the eye.
The boy stood up quickly, and cleared a small space from the
bushes which covered it. Looking carefully, he found twelve
small stones of somewhat the same size; kneeling down, he
arranged them carefully on the cleared space in a square pile,
in shape like an altar. Then he walked to the bag where his
dinner was kept; in it was a mutton chop and a large slice
of brown bread. The boy took them out, and turned the bread
over in his hand, deeply considering it. Finally he threw it
away, and walked to the altar with the meat, and laid it down
on the stones. Close by, in the red sand, he knelt down. Sure,
never since the beginning of the world was there so ragged
and so small a priest. He took off his great hat and placed it
solemnly on the ground, then closed his eyes and folded his
hands. He prayed aloud:
"O God, my Father, I have made thee a sacrifice. I have
only twopence, so I cannot buy a lamb. If the lambs were mine
I would give thee one: but now I have only this meat; it is my
dinner-meat. Please, my Father, send fire down from heaven to
burn it. Thou hast said, Whosoever shall say unto this mount-
ain, Be thou cast into the sea, nothing doubting, it shall be done.
I ask for the sake of Jesus Christ. Amen. "
He knelt down with his face upon the ground, and he folded
his hands upon his curls. The fierce sun poured down its heat
upon his head and upon his altar. When he looked up he
knew what he should see, the glory of God! For fear, his very
heart stood still, his breath came heavily; he was half suffocated.
He dared not look up. Then at last he raised himself. Above
him was the quiet blue sky, about him the red earth; there
were the clumps of silent ewes and his altar-that was all.
He looked up: nothing broke the intense stillness of the blue
overhead. He looked round in astonishment; then he bowed again,
and this time longer than before.
When he raised himself the second time, all was unaltered.
Only the sun had melted the fat of the little mutton-chop, and it
ran down upon the stones.
-
-
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Then the third time he bowed himself. When at last he
looked up, some ants had come to the meat on the altar. He
stood up, and drove them away. Then he put his hat on his
hot curls, and sat in the shade. He clasped his hands about his
knees. He sat to watch what would come to pass.
The glory
of the Lord God Almighty! He knew he should see it.
"My dear God is trying me," he said; and he sat there through
the fierce heat of the afternoon. Still he watched and waited
when the sun began to slope; and when it neared the horizon
and the sheep began to cast long shadows across the karroo,
he still sat there. He hoped when the first rays touched the
hills, till the sun dipped behind them and was gone. Then he
called his ewes together, and broke down the altar, and threw the
meat far, far away into the field.
He walked home behind his flock. His heart was heavy. He
reasoned so: "God cannot lie. I had faith. No fire came.
I am
like Cain, I am not his. He will not hear my prayer. God
hates me. "
-
The boy's heart was heavy. When he reached the kraal gate
the two girls met him.
"Come," said the yellow-haired Em, "let us play coop. '
There is still time before it gets quite dark. You, Waldo, go
and hide on the 'kopje'; Lyndall and I will shut eyes here, and
we will not look. "
The girls hid their faces in the stone wall of the sheep kraal,
and the boy clambered half-way up the "kopje. " He crouched
down between two stones, and gave the call. Just then the milk-
herd came walking out of the cow kraal with two pails. He was
an ill-looking Kaffir.
"Ah! " thought the boy, "perhaps he will die to-night, and go
to hell! I must pray for him, I must pray! "
Then he thought, "Where am I going to? " and he prayed
desperately.
"What
"Ah! this is not right at all," little Em said, peeping between
the stones, and finding him in a very curious posture.
are you doing, Waldo? It is not the play, you know. You
should run out when we come to the white stone. Ah, you do
not play nicely. "
"I-I will play nicely now," said the boy, coming out and
standing sheepishly before them; "I-I only forgot; I will play
now. "
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"He has been to sleep," said freckled Em.
"No," said beautiful little Lyndall, looking curiously at him:
"he has been crying. "
She never made a mistake.
THE CONFESSION
ONE night, two years after, the boy sat alone on the "kopje. ”
He had crept softly from his father's room, and come there.
He often did, because when he prayed or cried aloud his father
might awake and hear him; and none knew his great sorrow,
and none knew his grief but he himself, and he buried them
deep in his heart.
He turned up the brim of his great hat, and looked at the
moon, but most at the leaves of the prickly pear that grew just
before him. They glinted, and glinted, and glinted, just like his
own heart, cold, so hard, and very wicked. His physical heart
had pain also; it seemed full of little bits of glass that hurt. He
had sat there for half an hour, and he dared not go back to the
close house.
He felt horribly lonely.
There was not one thing so wicked
as he in all the world, and he knew it. He folded his arms and
began to cry-not aloud: he sobbed without making any sound,
and his tears left scorched marks where they fell. He could
not pray: he had prayed night and day for so many months;
and to-night he could not pray. When he left off crying, he
held his aching head with his brown hands. If one might have
gone up to him and touched him kindly-poor ugly little thing!
Perhaps his heart was almost broken.
With his swollen eyes he sat there on a flat stone at the very
top of the "kopje "; and the tree, with every one of its wicked
leaves, blinked, and blinked, and blinked at him. Presently he
began to cry again, and then stopped his crying to look at it.
He was quiet for a long while, then he knelt slowly and bent
forward. There was a secret he had carried in his heart for a
year. He had not dared to look at it; he had not whispered it
to himself; but for a year he had carried it. "I hate God! " he
said. The wind took the words and ran away with them, among
the stones, and through the leaves of the prickly pear. He
thought it died away half down the "kopje. " He had told it
now.
-
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12967
"I love Jesus Christ, but I hate God. "
The wind carried away that sound as it had done the first.
Then he got up, and buttoned his old coat about him. He knew
he was certainly lost now; he did not care. If half the world
were to be lost, why not he too? He would not pray for mercy
any more. Better so better to know certainly. It was ended
now. Better so.
He began scrambling down the sides of the "kopje" to go
home.
-----
-
Better so, but oh, the loneliness, the agonized pain, for that
night, and for nights on nights to come! The anguish that
sleeps all day on the heart like a heavy worm, and wakes up
at night to feed!
There are some of us who in after years say to Fate, "Now
deal us your hardest blow, give us what you will; but let us
never again suffer as we suffered when we were children. "
The barb in the arrow of childhood's suffering is this: its
intense loneliness, its intense ignorance.
THREE DREAMS IN A DESERT
From 'Dreams'
As
s I traveled across an African plain the sun shone down hotly.
Then I drew my horse up under a mimosa-tree, and I took
the saddle from him and left him to feed among the
parched bushes. And all to right and to left stretched the brown.
earth. And I sat down under the tree, because the heat beat
fiercely, and all along the horizon the air throbbed. And after
a while a heavy drowsiness came over me, and I laid my head
down against my saddle, and I fell asleep there.
And in my
sleep I had a curious dream.
I thought I stood on the border of a great desert, and the
sand blew about everywhere. And I thought I saw two great
figures like beasts of burden of the desert; and one lay upon the
sand with its neck stretched out, and one stood by it. And I
looked curiously at the one that lay upon the ground; for it had
a great burden on its back, and the sand was thick about it, so
that it seemed to have piled over it for centuries.
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And I looked very curiously at it. And there stood one be-
side me watching. And I said to him, "What is this huge creat-
ure who lies here on the sand? "»
And he said, "This is woman; she that bears men in her
body. "
And I said, "Why does she lie here motionless with the sand
piled round her? "
And he answered, "Listen, I will tell you! Ages and ages
long she has lain here, and the wind has blown over her. The
oldest, oldest, oldest man living has never seen her move; the
oldest, oldest book records that she lay here then, as she lies
here now, with the sand about her. But listen! Older than
the oldest book, older than the oldest recorded memory of man,
on the Rocks of Language, on the hard-baked clay of Ancient
Customs, now crumbling to decay, are found the marks of her
footsteps! Side by side with his who stands beside her you
may trace them; and you know that she who now lies there,
once wandered free over the rocks with him. "
And I said, "Why does she lie there now? "
And he said, "I take it, ages ago the Age-of-dominion-of-
muscular-force found her; and when she stooped low to give
suck to her young, and her back was broad, he put his burden of
subjection on to it, and tied it on with the broad band of Inevi-
table Necessity. Then she looked at the earth and the sky, and
knew there was no hope for her; and she lay down on the sand
with the burden she could not loosen. Ever since she has lain
here. And the ages have come, and the ages have gone, but the
band of Inevitable Necessity has not been cut. "
And I looked and saw in her eyes the terrible patience of the
centuries; the ground was wet with her tears, and her nostrils
blew up the sand.
And I said, "Has she ever tried to move? »
And he said, "Sometimes a limb has quivered. But she is
wise: she knows she cannot rise with the burden on her. "
And I said, «< Why does not he who stands by her leave her
and go on? "
And he said, "He cannot. Look->
And I saw a broad band passing along the ground from one
to the other, and it bound them together.
He said, "While she lies there, he must stand and look across
the desert. "
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12969
And I said, “Does he know why he cannot move? "
And he said, "No. "
And I heard a sound of something cracking, and I looked,
and I saw the band that bound the burden on to her back broken
asunder; and the burden rolled on the ground.
And I said, "What is this? »
And he said, "The Age-of-muscular-force is dead. The Age-
of-nervous-force has killed him with the knife he holds in his
hand; and silently and invisibly he has crept up to the woman,
and with that knife of Mechanical Invention he has cut the band
that bound the burden to her back. The Inevitable Necessity is
broken. She might rise now. "
And I saw that she still lay motionless on the sand, with her
eyes open and her neck stretched out. And she seemed to look
for something on the far-off border of the desert that never came.
And I wondered if she were awake or asleep. And as I looked
her body quivered, and a light came into her eyes like when a
sunbeam breaks into a dark room.
I said, "What is it? "
He whispered, "Hush! the thought has come to her, 'Might I
not rise? ' »
And I looked. And she raised her head from the sand, and
I saw the dent where her neck had lain so long. And she looked
at the earth, and she looked at the sky, and she looked at him
who stood by her; but he looked out across the desert.
And I saw her body quiver; and she pressed her front knees
to the earth, and veins stood out: and I cried, "She is going to
rise! "
her.
But only her sides heaved, and she lay still where she was.
But her head she held up; she did not lay it down again.
And he beside me said, "She is very weak. See, her legs have
been crushed under her so long. "
And I saw the creature struggle; and the drops stood out on
And I said, “Surely he who stands beside her will help her? "
And he beside me answered, "He cannot help her: she must
help herself. Let her struggle till she is strong. "
And I cried, "At least he will not hinder her! See, he moves
farther from her, and tightens the cord between them, and he
drags her down. "
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12970
And he answered, "He does not understand. When she moves
she draws the band that binds them, and hurts him, and he moves
farther from her. The day will come when he will understand,
and will know what she is doing. Let her once stagger on to
her knees. In that day he will stand close to her, and look into
her eyes with sympathy. "
And she stretched her neck, and the drops fell from her.
And the creature rose an inch from the earth and sank back.
And I cried, "Oh, she is too weak! she cannot walk! The
long years have taken all her strength from her. Can she never
move? »
And he answered me, "See the light in her eyes! "
And slowly the creature staggered on to its knees.
And I awoke: and all to the east and to the west stretched
the barren earth, with the dry bushes on it. The ants ran up
and down in the red sand, and the heat beat fiercely. I looked
up through the thin branches of the tree at the blue sky over-
head. I stretched myself, and I mused over the dream I had
had. And I fell asleep again, with my head on my saddle. And
in the fierce heat I had another dream.
I saw a desert and I saw a woman coming out of it. And
she came to the bank of a dark river; and the bank was steep
and high. And on it an old man met her, who had a long white
beard; and a stick that curled was in his hand, and on it was
written Reason. And he asked her what she wanted; and she
said "I am woman; and I am seeking for the Land of Freedom. "
And he said, "It is before you. "
And she said, "I see nothing before me but a dark flowing
river, and a bank steep and high, and cuttings here and there
with heavy sand in them. "
And he said, "And beyond that? "
She said, "I see nothing; but sometimes, when I shade my
eyes with my hand, I think I see on the further bank trees and
hills, and the sun shining on them! "
He said, "That is the Land of Freedom. "
She said, "How am I to get there? "
He said, "There is one way, and one only. Down the banks
of Labor, through the water of Suffering. There is no other. "
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12971
She said, "Is there no bridge ? »
He answered, "None. "
She said, "Is the water deep? "
He said, "Deep. "
She said, "Is the floor worn? »
He said, "It is.
may be lost. "
She said, "Have any crossed already? "
He said, "Some have tried! »
She said, "Is there a track to show where the best fording
is ? »
Your foot may slip at any time, and you
He said, "It has to be made. "
She shaded her eyes with her hands; and she said, "I will go. "
And he said, "You must take off the clothes you wore in the
desert: they are dragged down by them who go into the water
so clothed. "
And she threw from her gladly the mantle of Ancient-received-
opinions she wore, for it was worn full of holes. And she took
the girdle from her waist that she had treasured so long, and the
moths flew out of it in a cloud. And he said, "Take the shoes
of Dependence off your feet. "
And she stood there naked, but for one white garment that
clung close to her.
And he said, "That you may keep. So they wear clothes in
the Land of Freedom. In the water it buoys; it always swims. "
And I saw on its breast was written Truth; and it was white:
the sun had not often shone on it,-the other clothes had cov-
ered it up. And he said, "Take this stick; hold it fast. In that
day when it slips from your hand you are lost. Put it down
before you; feel your way: where it cannot find a bottom do
not set your foot. "
And she said, "I am ready; let me go. "
And he said, "No-but stay: what is that-in your breast? "
She was silent.
He said, "Open it, and let me see. "
And she opened it. And against her breast was a tiny thing,
who drank from it, and the yellow curls above his forehead pressed
against it; and his knees were drawn up to her, and he held her
breast fast with his hands.
And Reason said, "Who is he, and what is he doing here? »
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12972
And she said, "See his little wings-"
And Reason said, "Put him down. "
And she said, "He is asleep, and he is drinking! I will carry
him to the Land of Freedom. He has been a child so long, so
long, I have carried him. In the Land of Freedom he will be a
We will walk together there, and his great white wings
will overshadow me. He has lisped one word only to me in
the desert-'Passion! ' I have dreamed he might learn to say
'Friendship' in that land. "
man.
And Reason said, "Put him down! "
And she said, "I will carry him so
the other I will fight the water. "
He said, "Lay him down on the ground. When you are in
the water you will forget to fight, you will think only of him.
Lay him down. " He said, "He will not die. When he finds you
have left him alone he will open his wings and fly. He will be
in the Land of Freedom before you. Those who reach the Land
of Freedom, the first hand they see stretching down the bank
to help them shall be Love's. He will be a man then, not a child.
In your breast he cannot thrive: put him down that he may
grow. "
―
- with one arm, and with
And she took her bosom from his mouth, and he bit her, so
that the blood ran down on to the ground. And she laid him
down on the earth; and she covered her wound. And she bent
and stroked his wings. And I saw the hair on her forehead
turned white as snow, and she had changed from youth to age.
And she stood far off on the bank of the river. And she
said, "For what do I go to this far land which no one has ever
reached? Oh, I am alone! I am utterly alone! »
And Reason, that old man, said to her, "Silence! what do you
hear? »
And she listened intently, and she said, "I hear a sound of
feet, a thousand times ten thousand and thousands of thousands,
and they beat this way! "
He said, "They are the feet of those that shall follow you.
Lead on! make a track to the water's edge! Where you stand
now, the ground will be beaten flat by ten thousand times ten
thousand feet. " And he said, "Have you seen the locusts how
they cross a stream? First one comes down to the water-edge,
and it is swept away, and then another comes, and then another,
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12973
and then another; and at last with their bodies piled up a bridge
is built, and the rest pass over. "
She said, "And of those that come first, some are swept away,
and are heard of no more; their bodies do not even build the
bridge ?
it lay there, a heap of round ironstones piled one upon another,
as over some giant's grave. Here and there a few tufts of
grass or small succulent plants had sprung up among its stones;
and on the very summit a clump of prickly pears lifted thei
thorny arms, and reflected, as from mirrors, the moonlight on
their broad fleshy leaves. At the foot of the "kopje" lay the
homestead. First, the stone-walled sheep kraals and Kaffir huts;
beyond them the dwelling-house,-a square red brick building
with thatched roof. Even on its bare red walls, and the wooden
ladder that led up to the loft, the moonlight cast a kind of
dreamy beauty; and quite etherealized the low brick wall that
ran before the house, and which inclosed a bare patch of sand
and two straggling sunflowers. On the zinc roof of the great
## p. 12960 (#390) ##########################################
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OLIVE SCHREINER
open wagon-house, on the roofs of the outbuildings that jutted
from its side, the moonlight glinted with a quite peculiar bright-
ness, till it seemed that every rib in the metal was of burnished
silver.
Sleep ruled everywhere, and the homestead was not less quiet
than the solitary plain.
In the farm-house, on her great wooden bedstead, Tant' San-
nie, the Boer-woman, rolled heavily in her sleep.
She had gone to bed, as she always did, in her clothes; and
the night was warm, and the room close: and she dreamed bad
dreams,—not of the ghosts and devils that so haunted her waking
thoughts; not of her second husband, the consumptive English-
man, whose grave lay away beyond the ostrich camps, nor of
her first, the young Boer, but only of the sheep's trotters she had
eaten for supper that night. She dreamed that one stuck fast in
her throat, and she rolled her huge form from side to side and
snorted horribly.
In the next room, where the maid had forgotten to close the
shutter, the white moonlight fell in in a flood, and made it light as
day. There were two small beds against the wall. In one lay a
yellow-haired child, with a low forehead and a freckled face; but
the loving moonlight hid defects here as elsewhere, and showed
only the innocent face of a child in its first sweet sleep.
The figure in the companion bed belonged of right to the
moonlight, for it was of quite elfin-like beauty. The child had
dropped her cover on the floor, and the moonlight looked in at
the naked little limbs. Presently she opened her eyes, and looked
at the moonlight that was bathing her.
"Em! " she called to the sleeper in the other bed, but re-
ceived no answer. Then she drew the cover from the floor,
turned her pillow, and pulling the sheet over her head, went to
sleep again.
Only in one of the outbuildings that jutted from the wagon-
house, there was some one who was not asleep. The room was
dark; door and shutter were closed; not a ray of light entered
anywhere. The German overseer, to whom the room belonged,
lay sleeping soundly on his bed in the corner, his great arms
folded, and his bushy gray-and-black beard rising and falling on
his breast. But one in the room was not asleep. Two large
eyes looked about in the darkness, and two small hands were
smoothing the patchwork quilt. The boy, who slept on a box
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12961
under the window, had just awakened from his first sleep. He
drew the quilt up to his chin, so that little peered above it but
a great head of silky black curls, and the two black eyes. He
stared about in the darkness. Nothing was visible; not even the
outline of one worm-eaten rafter, nor of the deal table on which
lay the Bible from which his father had read before they went
to bed. No one could tell where the tool-box was, and where
the fireplace. There was something very impressive to the child
in the complete darkness.
At the head of his father's bed hung a great silver hunting-
watch. It ticked loudly. The boy listened to it, and began
mechanically to count. Tick-tick-tick! one, two, three, four!
He lost count presently, and only listened. Tick-tick - tick-
tick!
It never waited; it went on inexorably; and every time it
ticked, a man died! He raised himself a little on his elbow
and listened. He wished it would leave off.
How many times had it ticked since he came to lie down ? A
thousand times, a million times, perhaps.
He tried to count again, and sat up to listen better.
“Dying, dying, dying! " said the watch; "dying, dying, dy-
ing! "
Where were they going to, all those
He heard it distinctly.
people?
He lay down quickly, and pulled the cover up over his head;
but presently the silky curls reappeared.
"Dying, dying, dying! " said the watch; "dying, dying, dy-
ing! "
He thought of the words his father had read that evening:
"For wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to
destruction, and many there be which go in thereat. "
"Many, many, many! " said the watch.
"Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, that
leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. "
"Few, few, few! " said the watch.
The boy lay with his eyes wide open. He saw before him
a long stream of people, a great dark multitude, that moved in
one direction; then they came to the dark edge of the world,
and went over. He saw them passing on before him, and there
was nothing that could stop them. He thought of how that
XXII-811
## p. 12962 (#392) ##########################################
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OLIVE SCHREINER
stream had rolled on through all the long ages of the past
how the old Greeks and Romans had gone over; the countless
millions of China and India, they were going over now. Since
he had come to bed, how many had gone!
And the watch said, "Eternity, eternity, eternity! "
"Stop them! stop them! " cried the child.
And all the while the watch kept ticking on; just like God's
will, that never changes or alters, you may do what you please.
Great beads of perspiration stood on the boy's forehead. He
climbed out of bed, and lay with his face turned to the mud
floor.
"O God, God! save them! " he cried in agony. "Only some;
only a few! Only, for each moment I am praying here, one! "
He folded his little hands upon his head. "God! God! save
them! "
He groveled on the floor.
over!
Oh, the long, long ages of the past, in which they had gone
Oh, the long, long future, in which they would pass
away! O God! the long, long, long eternity, which has no end!
The child wept, and crept closer to the ground.
THE SACRIFICE
THE farm by daylight was not as the farm by moonlight.
The plain was a weary flat of loose red sand, sparsely covered
by dry karroo bushes, that cracked beneath the tread like tinder,
and showed the red earth everywhere. Here and there a milk-
bush lifted its pale-colored rods, and in every direction the ants
and beetles ran about in the blazing sand. The red walls of the
farm-house, the zinc roofs of the outbuildings, the stone walls of
the kraals, all reflected the fierce sunlight, till the eye ached and
blenched. No tree or shrub was to be seen far or near. The
two sunflowers that stood before the door, outstared by the sun,
drooped their brazen faces to the sand; and the little cicada-like
insects cried aloud among the stones of, the "kopje. "
The Boer-woman seen by daylight was even less lovely than
when, in bed, she rolled and dreamed. She sat on a chair in
the great front room, with her feet on a wooden stove, and
wiped her flat face with the corner of her apron, and drank
coffee, and in Cape Dutch swore that the beloved weather was
## p. 12963 (#393) ##########################################
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12963
damned. L lovely, too, by daylight was the dead English-
man's child, her little stepdaughter, upon whose freckles and low
wrinkled forehead the sunlight had no mercy.
"Lyndall," the child said to her little orphan cousin, who
sat with her on the floor threading beads, "how is it your beads
never fall off your needle ? »
"I try," said the little one gravely, moistening her tiny finger,
"That is why. "
The overseer, seen by daylight, was a huge German, wearing
a shabby suit, and with a childish habit of rubbing his hands
and nodding his head prodigiously when pleased at anything. He
stood out at the kraals, in the blazing sun, explaining to two
Kaffir boys the approaching end of the world. The boys, as
they cut the cakes of dung, winked at each other, and worked as
slowly as they possibly could; but the German never saw it.
Away beyond the "kopje," Waldo, his son, herded the ewes
and lambs, a small and dusty herd,-powdered all over from
head to foot with red sand, wearing a ragged coat, and shoes
of undressed leather, through whose holes the toes looked out.
His hat was too large, and had sunk down to his eyes, concealing
completely the silky black curls. It was a curious small figure.
His flock gave him little trouble. It was too hot for them to
move far; they gathered round every little milk-bush as though
they hoped to find shade, and stood there motionless in clumps.
He himself crept under a shelving rock that lay at the foot of
the "kopje," stretched himself on his stomach, and waved his
dilapidated little shoes in the air.
Soon, from the blue bag where he kept his dinner, he pro-
duced a fragment of slate, an arithmetic, and a pencil. Proceed-
ing to put down a sum with solemn and earnest demeanor, he
began to add it up aloud: "Six and two is eight, and four is
twelve, and two is fourteen, and four is eighteen. " Here he
paused. "And four is eighteen-and-four — is eighteen. "
—
The last was very much drawled. Slowly the pencil slipped
from his fingers, and the slate followed it into the sand. For
a while he lay motionless; then began muttering to himself,
folded his little arms, laid his head down upon them, and might
have been asleep but for a muttering sound that from time to
time proceeded from him. A curious old ewe came to sniff at
him; but it was long before he raised his head. When he did,
he looked at the far-off hills with his heavy eyes.
## p. 12964 (#394) ##########################################
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"Ye shall receive, ye shall receive,-shall, shall, shall," he
muttered.
He sat up then. Slowly the dullness and heaviness melted
from his face; it became radiant. Midday had come now, and
the sun's rays were poured down vertically; the earth throbbed
before the eye.
The boy stood up quickly, and cleared a small space from the
bushes which covered it. Looking carefully, he found twelve
small stones of somewhat the same size; kneeling down, he
arranged them carefully on the cleared space in a square pile,
in shape like an altar. Then he walked to the bag where his
dinner was kept; in it was a mutton chop and a large slice
of brown bread. The boy took them out, and turned the bread
over in his hand, deeply considering it. Finally he threw it
away, and walked to the altar with the meat, and laid it down
on the stones. Close by, in the red sand, he knelt down. Sure,
never since the beginning of the world was there so ragged
and so small a priest. He took off his great hat and placed it
solemnly on the ground, then closed his eyes and folded his
hands. He prayed aloud:
"O God, my Father, I have made thee a sacrifice. I have
only twopence, so I cannot buy a lamb. If the lambs were mine
I would give thee one: but now I have only this meat; it is my
dinner-meat. Please, my Father, send fire down from heaven to
burn it. Thou hast said, Whosoever shall say unto this mount-
ain, Be thou cast into the sea, nothing doubting, it shall be done.
I ask for the sake of Jesus Christ. Amen. "
He knelt down with his face upon the ground, and he folded
his hands upon his curls. The fierce sun poured down its heat
upon his head and upon his altar. When he looked up he
knew what he should see, the glory of God! For fear, his very
heart stood still, his breath came heavily; he was half suffocated.
He dared not look up. Then at last he raised himself. Above
him was the quiet blue sky, about him the red earth; there
were the clumps of silent ewes and his altar-that was all.
He looked up: nothing broke the intense stillness of the blue
overhead. He looked round in astonishment; then he bowed again,
and this time longer than before.
When he raised himself the second time, all was unaltered.
Only the sun had melted the fat of the little mutton-chop, and it
ran down upon the stones.
-
-
## p. 12965 (#395) ##########################################
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12965
Then the third time he bowed himself. When at last he
looked up, some ants had come to the meat on the altar. He
stood up, and drove them away. Then he put his hat on his
hot curls, and sat in the shade. He clasped his hands about his
knees. He sat to watch what would come to pass.
The glory
of the Lord God Almighty! He knew he should see it.
"My dear God is trying me," he said; and he sat there through
the fierce heat of the afternoon. Still he watched and waited
when the sun began to slope; and when it neared the horizon
and the sheep began to cast long shadows across the karroo,
he still sat there. He hoped when the first rays touched the
hills, till the sun dipped behind them and was gone. Then he
called his ewes together, and broke down the altar, and threw the
meat far, far away into the field.
He walked home behind his flock. His heart was heavy. He
reasoned so: "God cannot lie. I had faith. No fire came.
I am
like Cain, I am not his. He will not hear my prayer. God
hates me. "
-
The boy's heart was heavy. When he reached the kraal gate
the two girls met him.
"Come," said the yellow-haired Em, "let us play coop. '
There is still time before it gets quite dark. You, Waldo, go
and hide on the 'kopje'; Lyndall and I will shut eyes here, and
we will not look. "
The girls hid their faces in the stone wall of the sheep kraal,
and the boy clambered half-way up the "kopje. " He crouched
down between two stones, and gave the call. Just then the milk-
herd came walking out of the cow kraal with two pails. He was
an ill-looking Kaffir.
"Ah! " thought the boy, "perhaps he will die to-night, and go
to hell! I must pray for him, I must pray! "
Then he thought, "Where am I going to? " and he prayed
desperately.
"What
"Ah! this is not right at all," little Em said, peeping between
the stones, and finding him in a very curious posture.
are you doing, Waldo? It is not the play, you know. You
should run out when we come to the white stone. Ah, you do
not play nicely. "
"I-I will play nicely now," said the boy, coming out and
standing sheepishly before them; "I-I only forgot; I will play
now. "
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"He has been to sleep," said freckled Em.
"No," said beautiful little Lyndall, looking curiously at him:
"he has been crying. "
She never made a mistake.
THE CONFESSION
ONE night, two years after, the boy sat alone on the "kopje. ”
He had crept softly from his father's room, and come there.
He often did, because when he prayed or cried aloud his father
might awake and hear him; and none knew his great sorrow,
and none knew his grief but he himself, and he buried them
deep in his heart.
He turned up the brim of his great hat, and looked at the
moon, but most at the leaves of the prickly pear that grew just
before him. They glinted, and glinted, and glinted, just like his
own heart, cold, so hard, and very wicked. His physical heart
had pain also; it seemed full of little bits of glass that hurt. He
had sat there for half an hour, and he dared not go back to the
close house.
He felt horribly lonely.
There was not one thing so wicked
as he in all the world, and he knew it. He folded his arms and
began to cry-not aloud: he sobbed without making any sound,
and his tears left scorched marks where they fell. He could
not pray: he had prayed night and day for so many months;
and to-night he could not pray. When he left off crying, he
held his aching head with his brown hands. If one might have
gone up to him and touched him kindly-poor ugly little thing!
Perhaps his heart was almost broken.
With his swollen eyes he sat there on a flat stone at the very
top of the "kopje "; and the tree, with every one of its wicked
leaves, blinked, and blinked, and blinked at him. Presently he
began to cry again, and then stopped his crying to look at it.
He was quiet for a long while, then he knelt slowly and bent
forward. There was a secret he had carried in his heart for a
year. He had not dared to look at it; he had not whispered it
to himself; but for a year he had carried it. "I hate God! " he
said. The wind took the words and ran away with them, among
the stones, and through the leaves of the prickly pear. He
thought it died away half down the "kopje. " He had told it
now.
-
## p. 12967 (#397) ##########################################
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12967
"I love Jesus Christ, but I hate God. "
The wind carried away that sound as it had done the first.
Then he got up, and buttoned his old coat about him. He knew
he was certainly lost now; he did not care. If half the world
were to be lost, why not he too? He would not pray for mercy
any more. Better so better to know certainly. It was ended
now. Better so.
He began scrambling down the sides of the "kopje" to go
home.
-----
-
Better so, but oh, the loneliness, the agonized pain, for that
night, and for nights on nights to come! The anguish that
sleeps all day on the heart like a heavy worm, and wakes up
at night to feed!
There are some of us who in after years say to Fate, "Now
deal us your hardest blow, give us what you will; but let us
never again suffer as we suffered when we were children. "
The barb in the arrow of childhood's suffering is this: its
intense loneliness, its intense ignorance.
THREE DREAMS IN A DESERT
From 'Dreams'
As
s I traveled across an African plain the sun shone down hotly.
Then I drew my horse up under a mimosa-tree, and I took
the saddle from him and left him to feed among the
parched bushes. And all to right and to left stretched the brown.
earth. And I sat down under the tree, because the heat beat
fiercely, and all along the horizon the air throbbed. And after
a while a heavy drowsiness came over me, and I laid my head
down against my saddle, and I fell asleep there.
And in my
sleep I had a curious dream.
I thought I stood on the border of a great desert, and the
sand blew about everywhere. And I thought I saw two great
figures like beasts of burden of the desert; and one lay upon the
sand with its neck stretched out, and one stood by it. And I
looked curiously at the one that lay upon the ground; for it had
a great burden on its back, and the sand was thick about it, so
that it seemed to have piled over it for centuries.
## p. 12968 (#398) ##########################################
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OLIVE SCHREINER
And I looked very curiously at it. And there stood one be-
side me watching. And I said to him, "What is this huge creat-
ure who lies here on the sand? "»
And he said, "This is woman; she that bears men in her
body. "
And I said, "Why does she lie here motionless with the sand
piled round her? "
And he answered, "Listen, I will tell you! Ages and ages
long she has lain here, and the wind has blown over her. The
oldest, oldest, oldest man living has never seen her move; the
oldest, oldest book records that she lay here then, as she lies
here now, with the sand about her. But listen! Older than
the oldest book, older than the oldest recorded memory of man,
on the Rocks of Language, on the hard-baked clay of Ancient
Customs, now crumbling to decay, are found the marks of her
footsteps! Side by side with his who stands beside her you
may trace them; and you know that she who now lies there,
once wandered free over the rocks with him. "
And I said, "Why does she lie there now? "
And he said, "I take it, ages ago the Age-of-dominion-of-
muscular-force found her; and when she stooped low to give
suck to her young, and her back was broad, he put his burden of
subjection on to it, and tied it on with the broad band of Inevi-
table Necessity. Then she looked at the earth and the sky, and
knew there was no hope for her; and she lay down on the sand
with the burden she could not loosen. Ever since she has lain
here. And the ages have come, and the ages have gone, but the
band of Inevitable Necessity has not been cut. "
And I looked and saw in her eyes the terrible patience of the
centuries; the ground was wet with her tears, and her nostrils
blew up the sand.
And I said, "Has she ever tried to move? »
And he said, "Sometimes a limb has quivered. But she is
wise: she knows she cannot rise with the burden on her. "
And I said, «< Why does not he who stands by her leave her
and go on? "
And he said, "He cannot. Look->
And I saw a broad band passing along the ground from one
to the other, and it bound them together.
He said, "While she lies there, he must stand and look across
the desert. "
## p. 12969 (#399) ##########################################
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12969
And I said, “Does he know why he cannot move? "
And he said, "No. "
And I heard a sound of something cracking, and I looked,
and I saw the band that bound the burden on to her back broken
asunder; and the burden rolled on the ground.
And I said, "What is this? »
And he said, "The Age-of-muscular-force is dead. The Age-
of-nervous-force has killed him with the knife he holds in his
hand; and silently and invisibly he has crept up to the woman,
and with that knife of Mechanical Invention he has cut the band
that bound the burden to her back. The Inevitable Necessity is
broken. She might rise now. "
And I saw that she still lay motionless on the sand, with her
eyes open and her neck stretched out. And she seemed to look
for something on the far-off border of the desert that never came.
And I wondered if she were awake or asleep. And as I looked
her body quivered, and a light came into her eyes like when a
sunbeam breaks into a dark room.
I said, "What is it? "
He whispered, "Hush! the thought has come to her, 'Might I
not rise? ' »
And I looked. And she raised her head from the sand, and
I saw the dent where her neck had lain so long. And she looked
at the earth, and she looked at the sky, and she looked at him
who stood by her; but he looked out across the desert.
And I saw her body quiver; and she pressed her front knees
to the earth, and veins stood out: and I cried, "She is going to
rise! "
her.
But only her sides heaved, and she lay still where she was.
But her head she held up; she did not lay it down again.
And he beside me said, "She is very weak. See, her legs have
been crushed under her so long. "
And I saw the creature struggle; and the drops stood out on
And I said, “Surely he who stands beside her will help her? "
And he beside me answered, "He cannot help her: she must
help herself. Let her struggle till she is strong. "
And I cried, "At least he will not hinder her! See, he moves
farther from her, and tightens the cord between them, and he
drags her down. "
## p. 12970 (#400) ##########################################
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12970
And he answered, "He does not understand. When she moves
she draws the band that binds them, and hurts him, and he moves
farther from her. The day will come when he will understand,
and will know what she is doing. Let her once stagger on to
her knees. In that day he will stand close to her, and look into
her eyes with sympathy. "
And she stretched her neck, and the drops fell from her.
And the creature rose an inch from the earth and sank back.
And I cried, "Oh, she is too weak! she cannot walk! The
long years have taken all her strength from her. Can she never
move? »
And he answered me, "See the light in her eyes! "
And slowly the creature staggered on to its knees.
And I awoke: and all to the east and to the west stretched
the barren earth, with the dry bushes on it. The ants ran up
and down in the red sand, and the heat beat fiercely. I looked
up through the thin branches of the tree at the blue sky over-
head. I stretched myself, and I mused over the dream I had
had. And I fell asleep again, with my head on my saddle. And
in the fierce heat I had another dream.
I saw a desert and I saw a woman coming out of it. And
she came to the bank of a dark river; and the bank was steep
and high. And on it an old man met her, who had a long white
beard; and a stick that curled was in his hand, and on it was
written Reason. And he asked her what she wanted; and she
said "I am woman; and I am seeking for the Land of Freedom. "
And he said, "It is before you. "
And she said, "I see nothing before me but a dark flowing
river, and a bank steep and high, and cuttings here and there
with heavy sand in them. "
And he said, "And beyond that? "
She said, "I see nothing; but sometimes, when I shade my
eyes with my hand, I think I see on the further bank trees and
hills, and the sun shining on them! "
He said, "That is the Land of Freedom. "
She said, "How am I to get there? "
He said, "There is one way, and one only. Down the banks
of Labor, through the water of Suffering. There is no other. "
## p. 12971 (#401) ##########################################
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12971
She said, "Is there no bridge ? »
He answered, "None. "
She said, "Is the water deep? "
He said, "Deep. "
She said, "Is the floor worn? »
He said, "It is.
may be lost. "
She said, "Have any crossed already? "
He said, "Some have tried! »
She said, "Is there a track to show where the best fording
is ? »
Your foot may slip at any time, and you
He said, "It has to be made. "
She shaded her eyes with her hands; and she said, "I will go. "
And he said, "You must take off the clothes you wore in the
desert: they are dragged down by them who go into the water
so clothed. "
And she threw from her gladly the mantle of Ancient-received-
opinions she wore, for it was worn full of holes. And she took
the girdle from her waist that she had treasured so long, and the
moths flew out of it in a cloud. And he said, "Take the shoes
of Dependence off your feet. "
And she stood there naked, but for one white garment that
clung close to her.
And he said, "That you may keep. So they wear clothes in
the Land of Freedom. In the water it buoys; it always swims. "
And I saw on its breast was written Truth; and it was white:
the sun had not often shone on it,-the other clothes had cov-
ered it up. And he said, "Take this stick; hold it fast. In that
day when it slips from your hand you are lost. Put it down
before you; feel your way: where it cannot find a bottom do
not set your foot. "
And she said, "I am ready; let me go. "
And he said, "No-but stay: what is that-in your breast? "
She was silent.
He said, "Open it, and let me see. "
And she opened it. And against her breast was a tiny thing,
who drank from it, and the yellow curls above his forehead pressed
against it; and his knees were drawn up to her, and he held her
breast fast with his hands.
And Reason said, "Who is he, and what is he doing here? »
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And she said, "See his little wings-"
And Reason said, "Put him down. "
And she said, "He is asleep, and he is drinking! I will carry
him to the Land of Freedom. He has been a child so long, so
long, I have carried him. In the Land of Freedom he will be a
We will walk together there, and his great white wings
will overshadow me. He has lisped one word only to me in
the desert-'Passion! ' I have dreamed he might learn to say
'Friendship' in that land. "
man.
And Reason said, "Put him down! "
And she said, "I will carry him so
the other I will fight the water. "
He said, "Lay him down on the ground. When you are in
the water you will forget to fight, you will think only of him.
Lay him down. " He said, "He will not die. When he finds you
have left him alone he will open his wings and fly. He will be
in the Land of Freedom before you. Those who reach the Land
of Freedom, the first hand they see stretching down the bank
to help them shall be Love's. He will be a man then, not a child.
In your breast he cannot thrive: put him down that he may
grow. "
―
- with one arm, and with
And she took her bosom from his mouth, and he bit her, so
that the blood ran down on to the ground. And she laid him
down on the earth; and she covered her wound. And she bent
and stroked his wings. And I saw the hair on her forehead
turned white as snow, and she had changed from youth to age.
And she stood far off on the bank of the river. And she
said, "For what do I go to this far land which no one has ever
reached? Oh, I am alone! I am utterly alone! »
And Reason, that old man, said to her, "Silence! what do you
hear? »
And she listened intently, and she said, "I hear a sound of
feet, a thousand times ten thousand and thousands of thousands,
and they beat this way! "
He said, "They are the feet of those that shall follow you.
Lead on! make a track to the water's edge! Where you stand
now, the ground will be beaten flat by ten thousand times ten
thousand feet. " And he said, "Have you seen the locusts how
they cross a stream? First one comes down to the water-edge,
and it is swept away, and then another comes, and then another,
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and then another; and at last with their bodies piled up a bridge
is built, and the rest pass over. "
She said, "And of those that come first, some are swept away,
and are heard of no more; their bodies do not even build the
bridge ?
