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UPON A CROOKED MAID.

Crooked you are, but that dislikes not me:
So you be straight where virgins straight should be.


261. UPON GROYNES. EPIG.

Groynes, for his fleshly burglary of late,
Stood in the holy forum candidate;
The word is Roman; but in English known:
Penance, and standing so, are both but one.

_Candidate_, clothed in white.


272. UPON PINK, AN ILL-FAC'D PAINTER. EPIG.

To paint the fiend, Pink would the devil see;
And so he may, if he'll be rul'd by me;
Let but Pink's face i' th' looking-glass be shown,
And Pink may paint the devil's by his own.


273. UPON BROCK. EPIG.

To cleanse his eyes, Tom Brock makes much ado,
But not his mouth, the fouler of the two.
A clammy rheum makes loathsome both his eyes:
His mouth, worse furr'd with oaths and blasphemies.


277. LAUGH AND LIE DOWN.

Y'ave laughed enough, sweet, vary now your text!
And laugh no more; or laugh, and lie down next.


292. UPON SHARK. EPIG.

Shark, when he goes to any public feast,
Eats to one's thinking, of all there, the least.
What saves the master of the house thereby
When if the servants search, they may descry
In his wide codpiece, dinner being done,
Two napkins cramm'd up, and a silver spoon?


305. UPON BUNGY.

Bungy does fast; looks pale; puts sackcloth on;
Not out of conscience, or religion:
Or that this younker keeps so strict a Lent,
Fearing to break the king's commandement:
But being poor, and knowing flesh is dear,
He keeps not one, but many Lents i' th' year.


311. UPON SNEAPE. EPIG.

Sneape has a face so brittle, that it breaks
Forth into blushes whensoe'er he speaks.


315. UPON LEECH.

Leech boasts, he has a pill, that can alone
With speed give sick men their salvation:
'Tis strange, his father long time has been ill,
And credits physic, yet not trusts his pill:
And why? he knows he must of cure despair,
Who makes the sly physician his heir.


317. TO A MAID.

You say, you love me! that I thus must prove:
It that you lie, then I will swear you love.


326. UPON GREEDY. EPIG.

An old, old widow Greedy needs would wed,
Not for affection to her or her bed;
But in regard, 'twas often said, this old
Woman would bring him more than could be told.
He took her; now the jest in this appears,
So old she was, that none could tell her years.


357. LONG AND LAZY.

That was the proverb. Let my mistress be
Lazy to others, but be long to me.


358. UPON RALPH. EPIG.

Curse not the mice, no grist of thine they eat;
But curse thy children, they consume thy wheat.


361. UPON MEASE. EPIG.

Mease brags of pullets which he eats: but Mease
Ne'er yet set tooth in stump or rump of these.


363. UPON PASKE, A DRAPER.

Paske, though his debt be due upon the day
Demands no money by a craving way;
For why, says he, all debts and their arrears
Have reference to the shoulders, not the ears.


368. UPON PRIGG.

Prigg, when he comes to houses, oft doth use,
Rather than fail, to steal from thence old shoes:
Sound or unsound be they, or rent or whole,
Prigg bears away the body and the sole.


369. UPON MOON.

Moon is a usurer, whose gain,
Seldom or never knows a wain,
Only Moon's conscience, we confess,
That ebbs from pity less and less.


372. UPON SHIFT.

Shift now has cast his clothes: got all things new;
Save but his hat, and that he cannot mew.

_Mew_, change feathers.


373. UPON CUTS.

If wounds in clothes Cuts calls his rags, 'tis clear
His linings are the matter running there.


374. GAIN AND GETTINGS.

When others gain much by the present cast,
The cobblers' getting time is at the last.


379. UPON DOLL. EPIG.

Doll, she so soon began the wanton trade,
She ne'er remembers that she was a maid.


380. UPON SKREW. EPIG.

Skrew lives by shifts; yet swears by no small oaths
For all his shifts he cannot shift his clothes.


381. UPON LINNET. EPIG.

Linnet plays rarely on the lute, we know;
And sweetly sings, but yet his breath says no.


385. UPON GLASS. EPIG.

Glass, out of deep, and out of desp'rate want,
Turn'd from a Papist here a Predicant.
A vicarage at last Tom Glass got here,
Just upon five and thirty pounds a year.
Add to that thirty-five but five pounds more,
He'll turn a Papist, ranker than before.


398. UPON EELES. EPIG.

Eeles winds and turns, and cheats and steals; yet Eeles
Driving these sharking trades, is out at heels.


400. UPON RASP. EPIG.

Rasp plays at nine-holes; and 'tis known he gets
Many a tester by his game and bets:
But of his gettings there's but little sign;
When one hole wastes more than he gets by nine.


401. UPON CENTER, A SPECTACLE-MAKER WITH A FLAT NOSE.

Center is known weak-sighted, and he sells
To others store of helpful spectacles.
Why wears he none? Because we may suppose,
Where leaven wants, there level lies the nose.


410. UPON SKINNS. EPIG.

Skinns, he dined well to-day: how do you think?
His nails they were his meat, his rheum the drink.


411. UPON PIEVISH. EPIG.

Pievish doth boast that he's the very first
Of English poets, and 'tis thought the worst.


412. UPON JOLLY AND JILLY. EPIG.

Jolly and Jilly bite and scratch all day,
But yet get children (as the neighbours say).
The reason is: though all the day they fight,
They cling and close some minutes of the night.


419. UPON PATRICK, A FOOTMAN. EPIG.

Now Patrick with his footmanship has done,
His eyes and ears strive which should fastest run.


420. UPON BRIDGET. EPIG.

Of four teeth only Bridget was possest;
Two she spat out, a cough forced out the rest.


424. UPON FLIMSEY. EPIG.

Why walks Nick Flimsey like a malcontent!
Is it because his money all is spent?
No, but because the dingthrift now is poor,
And knows not where i' th' world to borrow more.


425. UPON SHEWBREAD. EPIG.

Last night thou didst invite me home to eat;
And showed me there much plate, but little meat.
Prithee, when next thou do'st invite, bar state,
And give me meat, or give me else thy plate.


428. UPON ROOTS. EPIG.

Roots had no money; yet he went o' the score,
For a wrought purse; can any tell wherefore?
Say, what should Roots do with a purse in print,
That had not gold nor silver to put in't?


429. UPON CRAW.

Craw cracks in sirrop; and does stinking say,
Who can hold that, my friends, that will away?


430. OBSERVATION.

Who to the north, or south, doth set
His bed, male children shall beget.


433. PUTREFACTION.

Putrefaction is the end
Of all that nature doth intend.


434. PASSION.

Were there not a matter known,
There would be no passion.


435. JACK AND JILL.

Since Jack and Jill both wicked be;
It seems a wonder unto me,
That they, no better do agree.


436. UPON PARSON BEANES.

Old Parson Beanes hunts six days of the week,
And on the seventh, he has his notes to seek.
Six days he hollows so much breath away,
That on the seventh, he can nor preach or pray.


438. SHORT AND LONG BOTH LIKES.

This lady's short, that mistress she is tall;
But long or short, I'm well content with all.


440. UPON ROOK. EPIG.

Rook he sells feathers, yet he still doth cry
Fie on this pride, this female vanity.
Thus, though the Rook does rail against the sin,
He loves the gain that vanity brings in.


456. UPON SPUNGE. EPIG.

Spunge makes his boasts that he's the only man
Can hold of beer and ale an ocean;
Is this his glory? then his triumph's poor;
I know the tun of Heidleberg holds more.


464. UPON ONE WHO SAID SHE WAS ALWAYS YOUNG.

You say you're young; but when your teeth are told
To be but three, black-ey'd, we'll think you old.


465. UPON HUNCKS. EPIG.

Huncks has no money, he does swear or say,
About him, when the tavern's shot's to pay.
If he has none in 's pockets, trust me, Huncks
Has none at home in coffers, desks, or trunks.


476. UPON A CHEAP LAUNDRESS. EPIG.

Feacie, some say, doth wash her clothes i' th' lie
That sharply trickles from her either eye.
The laundresses, they envy her good-luck,
Who can with so small charges drive the buck.
What needs she fire and ashes to consume,
Who can scour linens with her own salt rheum?

_Drive the buck_, wash clothes.


482. UPON SKURF.

Skurf by his nine-bones swears, and well he may:
All know a fellon eat the tenth away.

_Fellon_, whitlow.


500. UPON JACK AND JILL. EPIG.

When Jill complains to Jack for want of meat,
Jack kisses Jill and bids her freely eat:
Jill says, Of what?
says Jack, On that sweet kiss,
Which full of nectar and ambrosia is,
The food of poets. So I thought, says Jill,
That makes them look so lank, so ghost-like still.
Let poets feed on air, or what they will;
Let me feed full, till that I fart, says Jill.


503. UPON PARRAT.

Parrat protests 'tis he, and only he
Can teach a man the art of memory:
Believe him not; for he forgot it quite,
Being drunk, who 'twas that can'd his ribs last night.


514. KISSING AND BUSSING.

Kissing and bussing differ both in this;
We buss our wantons, but our wives we kiss.


520. UPON MAGGOT, A FREQUENTER OF ORDINARIES.

Maggot frequents those houses of good-cheer,
Talks most, eats most, of all the feeders there.
He raves through lean, he rages through the fat,
(What gets the master of the meal by that? )
He who with talking can devour so much,
How would he eat, were not his hindrance such?


533. ON JOAN.

Joan would go tell her hairs; and well she might,
Having but seven in all: three black, four white.


534. UPON LETCHER. EPIG.

Letcher was carted first about the streets,
For false position in his neighbour's sheets:
Next, hanged for thieving: now the people say,
His carting was the prologue to this play.


535. UPON DUNDRIGE.

Dundrige his issue hath; but is not styl'd,
For all his issue, father of one child.


553. WAY IN A CROWD.

Once on a Lord Mayor's Day, in Cheapside, when
Skulls could not well pass through that scum of men,
For quick despatch Skulls made no longer stay
Than but to breathe, and everyone gave way;
For, as he breathed, the people swore from thence
A fart flew out, or a sir-reverence.

_Sir-reverence_, "save-reverence," the word of apology used for the
indecency itself.


557. UPON ONE-EY'D BROOMSTED. EPIG.

Broomsted a lameness got by cold and beer:
And to the bath went, to be cured there:
His feet were helped, and left his crutch behind;
But home returned, as he went forth, half blind.


563. UPON SIBILLA.

With paste of almonds, Syb her hands doth scour;
Then gives it to the children to devour.
In cream she bathes her thighs, more soft than silk;
Then to the poor she freely gives the milk.


570. UPON TOOLY.

The eggs of pheasants wry-nosed Tooly sells,
But ne'er so much as licks the speckled shells:
Only, if one prove addled, that he eats
With superstition, as the cream of meats.
The cock and hen he feeds; but not a bone
He ever picked, as yet, of anyone.

_Superstition_, reverence.


573. UPON BLANCH. EPIG.

I have seen many maidens to have hair,
Both for their comely need and some to spare;
But Blanch has not so much upon her head
As to bind up her chaps when she is dead.


574. UPON UMBER.

Umber was painting of a lion fierce,
And, working it, by chance from Umber's erse
Flew out a crack, so mighty, that the fart,
As Umber states, did make his lion start.


579. UPON URLES.

Urles had the gout so, that he could not stand;
Then from his feet it shifted to his hand:
When 'twas in's feet, his charity was small;
Now 'tis in's hand, he gives no alms at all.


580. UPON FRANCK.

Franck ne'er wore silk she swears; but I reply,
She now wears silk to hide her blood-shot eye.


590. UPON A FREE MAID, WITH A FOUL BREATH.

You say you'll kiss me, and I thank you for it;
But stinking breath, I do as hell abhor it.


591. UPON COONE. EPIG.

What is the reason Coone so dully smells?
His nose is over-cool'd with icicles.


596. UPON SPALT.

Of pushes Spalt has such a knotty race,
He needs a tucker for to burl his face.

_Pushes_, pimples.
_Tucker_, a fuller.
_Burl_, to remove knots from cloth.


597. OF HORNE, A COMBMAKER.

Horne sells to others teeth; but has not one
To grace his own gums, or of box, or bone.


600. UPON A SOUR-BREATH LADY. EPIG.

Fie, quoth my lady, what a stink is here?
When 'twas her breath that was the carrionere.

_Carrionere_, carrion-carrier.


612. UPON COCK.

Cock calls his wife his Hen: when Cock goes to't,
Cock treads his Hen, but treads her underfoot.


632. UPON BRAN. EPIG.

What made that mirth last night? the neighbours say,
That Bran the baker did his breech beray:
I rather think, though they may speak the worst,
'Twas to his batch, but leaven laid there first.

_Beray_, befoul.


633. UPON SNARE, AN USURER.

Snare, ten i' th' hundred calls his wife; and why?
She brings in much by carnal usury.
He by extortion brings in three times more:
Say, who's the worst, th' exactor or the whore?


634. UPON GRUDGINGS.

Grudgings turns bread to stones, when to the poor
He gives an alms, and chides them from his door.


638. UPON GANDER. EPIG.

Since Gander did his pretty youngling wed,
Gander, they say, doth each night piss a-bed:
What is the cause? Why, Gander will reply,
No goose lays good eggs that is trodden dry.


639. UPON LUNGS. EPIG.

Lungs, as some say, ne'er sets him down to eat
But that his breath does fly-blow all the meat.


650. UPON COB. EPIG.

Cob clouts his shoes, and, as the story tells,
His thumb nails par'd afford him sparrables.

_Sparrables_, "sparrow-bills," headless nails.


652. UPON SKOLES. EPIG.

Skoles stinks so deadly, that his breeches loath
His dampish buttocks furthermore to clothe;
Cloy'd they are up with arse; but hope, one blast
Will whirl about, and blow them thence at last.


661. UPON JONE AND JANE.

Jone is a wench that's painted;
Jone is a girl that's tainted;
Yet Jone she goes
Like one of those
Whom purity had sainted.

Jane is a girl that's pretty;
Jane is a wench that's witty;
Yet who would think,
Her breath does stink,
As so it doth? that's pity.


668. UPON ZELOT.

Is Zelot pure? he is: yet! see he wears
The sign of circumcision in his ears.


670. UPON MADAM URSLY. EPIG.

For ropes of pearl, first Madam Ursly shows
A chain of corns picked from her ears and toes;
Then, next, to match Tradescant's curious shells,
Nails from her fingers mew'd she shows: what else?
Why then, forsooth, a carcanet is shown
Of teeth, as deaf as nuts, and all her own.

_Tradescant_, a collector of curiosities. See Note.
_Mew'd_, moulted.
_Deaf as nuts. _ _Cf. _ De Quincey, "a deaf nut offering no kernel. "


705. UPON TRIGG. EPIG.

Trigg having turn'd his suit, he struts in state,
And tells the world he's now regenerate.


706. UPON SMEATON.

How could Luke Smeaton wear a shoe, or boot,
Who two-and-thirty corns had on a foot.


714. LAXARE FIBULAM.

To loose the button is no less,
Than to cast off all bashfulness.


730. UPON FRANCK.

Franck would go scour her teeth; and setting to 't
Twice two fell out, all rotten at the root.


733. UPON PAUL. EPIG.

Paul's hands do give; what give they, bread or meat,
Or money? no, but only dew and sweat.
As stones and salt gloves use to give, even so
Paul's hands do give, nought else for ought we know.


734. UPON SIBB. EPIG.

Sibb, when she saw her face how hard it was,
For anger spat on thee, her looking-glass:
But weep not, crystal; for the same was meant
Not unto thee, but that thou didst present.


755. UPON SLOUCH.

Slouch he packs up, and goes to several fairs,
And weekly markets for to sell his wares:
Meantime that he from place to place does roam,
His wife her own ware sells as fast at home.


797. UPON BICE.

Bice laughs, when no man speaks; and doth protest.
It is his own breech there that breaks the jest.


798. UPON TRENCHERMAN.

Tom shifts the trenchers; yet he never can
Endure that lukewarm name of serving-man:
Serve or not serve, let Tom do what he can,
He is a serving, who's a trencher-man.


801. UPON COMELY, A GOOD SPEAKER BUT AN ILL SINGER. EPIG.

Comely acts well; and when he speaks his part,
He doth it with the sweetest tones of art:
But when he sings a psalm, there's none can be
More curs'd for singing out of tune than he.


802. ANY WAY FOR WEALTH.

E'en all religious courses to be rich
Hath been rehers'd by Joel Michelditch:
But now perceiving that it still does please
The sterner fates, to cross his purposes;
He tacks about, and now he doth profess
Rich he will be by all unrighteousness;
Thus if our ship fails of her anchor hold
We'll love the divel, so he lands the gold.


803. UPON AN OLD WOMAN.

Old Widow Prouse, to do her neighbours evil,
Would give, some say, her soul unto the devil.
Well, when she's kill'd that pig, goose, cock, or hen,
What would she give to get that soul again?


804. UPON PEARCH. EPIG.

Thou writes in prose how sweet all virgins be;
But there's not one, doth praise the smell of thee.


818. UPON LOACH.

Seal'd up with night-gum, Loach each morning lies,
Till his wife licking, so unglues his eyes.
No question then, but such a lick is sweet,
When a warm tongue does with such ambers meet.


824. UPON NODES.

Wherever Nodes does in the summer come,
He prays his harvest may be well brought home.
What store of corn has careful Nodes, think you,
Whose field his foot is, and whose barn his shoe?


831. UPON TAP.

Tap, better known than trusted, as we hear,
Sold his old mother's spectacles for beer:
And not unlikely; rather too than fail,
He'll sell her eyes, and nose, for beer and ale.


834. UPON PUNCHIN. EPIG.

Give me a reason why men call
Punchin a dry plant-animal.
Because as plants by water grow,
Punchin by beer and ale spreads so.


836. UPON BLINKS. EPIG.

Tom Blinks his nose is full of weals, and these
Tom calls not pimples, but pimpleides;
Sometimes, in mirth, he says each whelk's a spark,
When drunk with beer, to light him home i' th' dark.