No More Learning

But pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of
a new method of swearing----

ACRES
Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it--'tis genteel, isn't it! --I didn't
invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great
scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common
oaths, and that nothing but their antiquity makes them
respectable;--because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an
oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by
Venus! or by Pallas, according to the sentiment: so that to swear with
propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the
sense; and this we call the _oath referential_, or _sentimental
swearing_--ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it?

ABSOLUTE
Very genteel, and very new, indeed! --and I dare say will supplant all
other figures of imprecation.

ACRES
Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete. --Damns have had their day.

[Re-enter FAG. ]

FAG
Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you. --Shall I show him
into the parlour?

ABSOLUTE
Ay--you may.

ACRES
Well, I must be gone----

ABSOLUTE
Stay; who is it, Fag?

FAG
Your father, sir.

ABSOLUTE
You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly?

[Exit FAG. ]

ACRES
You have business with Sir Anthony. --I expect a message from Mrs.
Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius
O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack! we must meet at night, when you shall give me a
dozen bumpers to little Lydia.

ABSOLUTE
That I will with all my heart. ----

[Exit ACRES. ]

Now for a parental lecture--I hope he has heard nothing of the business
that brought me here--I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire,
with all my soul!

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. ]

Sir I am delighted to see you here; looking so well! your sudden
arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir ANTHONY
Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. --What, you are recruiting here,
hey?

ABSOLUTE
Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, for I
was going to write to you on a little matter of business. --Jack, I have
been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not
trouble you long.

ABSOLUTE
Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray
frequently that you may continue so.

Sir ANTHONY
I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack,
I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty I may continue
to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of
your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small
pittance for a lad of your spirit.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, you are very good.

Sir ANTHONY
And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in
the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble
independence.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, your kindness overpowers me--such generosity makes the gratitude
of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection.

Sir ANTHONY
I am glad you are so sensible of my attention--and you shall be master
of a large estate in a few weeks.

ABSOLUTE
Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense
I have of your munificence. --Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me
to quit the army?

Sir ANTHONY
Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.

ABSOLUTE
My wife, sir!

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, ay, settle that between you--settle that between you.

ABSOLUTE
A wife, sir, did you say?

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, a wife--why, did not I mention her before?

ABSOLUTE
Not a word of her, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
Odd so! --I mustn't forget her though. --Yes, Jack, the independence I
was talking of is by marriage--the fortune is saddled with a wife--but
I suppose that makes no difference.

ABSOLUTE
Sir! sir! --you amaze me!

Sir ANTHONY
Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all
gratitude and duty.

ABSOLUTE
I was, sir,--you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a
word of a wife.

Sir ANTHONY
Why--what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the
estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

ABSOLUTE
If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the
purchase. --Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir ANTHONY
What's that to you, sir? --Come, give me your promise to love, and to
marry her directly.

ABSOLUTE
Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a
lady I know nothing of!

Sir ANTHONY
I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you
know nothing of.

ABSOLUTE
Then, sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed on
another--my heart is engaged to an angel.

Sir ANTHONY
Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry--but business
prevents its waiting on her.

ABSOLUTE
But my vows are pledged to her.

Sir ANTHONY
Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth
redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, I suppose;
so there can be no loss there.

ABSOLUTE
You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this
point I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY
Hark'ee, Jack;--I have heard you for some time with patience--I have
been cool--quite cool; but take care--you know I am compliance
itself--when I am not thwarted;--no one more easily led--when I have my
own way;--but don't put me in a frenzy.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I must repeat it--in this I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY
Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir ANTHONY
Sir, I won't hear a word--not a word! not one word! so give me your
promise by a nod--and I'll tell you what, Jack--I mean, you dog--if you
don't, by----

ABSOLUTE
What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to----

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a
hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one
eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have a skin
like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew--she shall be all this,
sirrah! --yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to
write sonnets on her beauty.

ABSOLUTE
This is reason and moderation indeed!

Sir ANTHONY
None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

ABSOLUTE
Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir ANTHONY
'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll
grin when I am gone, sirrah!

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir ANTHONY
None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please! --It
won't do with me, I promise you.

ABSOLUTE
Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir ANTHONY
'Tis a confounded lie! --I know you are in a passion in your heart; I
know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word----

Sir ANTHONY
So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can
passion do? --Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent,
overbearing reprobate! --There, you sneer again! don't provoke me! --but
you rely upon the mildness of my temper--you do, you dog! you play upon
the meekness of my disposition! --Yet take care--the patience of a saint
may be overcome at last! --but mark! I give you six hours and a half to
consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every
thing on earth that I choose, why--confound you! I may in time forgive
you. --If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't
dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an
atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission;
I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you
shall live on the interest. --I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll
unget you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit. ]

ABSOLUTE
Mild, gentle, considerate father--I kiss your hands! --What a tender
method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare
not trust him with the truth. --I wonder what old wealthy hag it is that
he wants to bestow on me! --Yet he married himself for love! and was in
his youth a bold intriguer, and a gay companion!

[Re-enter FAG. ]

FAG
Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs
eight or ten steps at a time--muttering, growling, and thumping the
banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the
door--rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me
carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area,
damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate! --Upon my credit, sir, were I in
your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should
certainly drop his acquaintance.

ABSOLUTE
Cease your impertinence, sir, at present. --Did you come in for nothing
more? --Stand out of the way! [Pushes him aside, and exit. ]

FAG
So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his
father--then vents his spleen on poor Fag! --When one is vexed by one
person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the
way, is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper--the
basest----

[Enter BOY. ]

BOY
Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you.

FAG
Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so! --The meanest
disposition! the----

BOY
Quick, quick, Mr. Fag!

FAG
Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too?
you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred---- [Exit kicking and
beating him. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene II. --The North Parade.
[Enter LUCY. ]

LUCY
So--I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list--Captain
Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has
received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed! --Well, I have done
him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here
before him. --Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to
hear from his _dear Delia_, as he calls her: I wonder he's not
here! --I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I
should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty,
and her own mistress.

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. ]

Sir LUCIUS
Ha! my little ambassadress--upon my conscience, I have been looking for
you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

LUCY
[Speaking simply. ] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship
here on the North.

Sir LUCIUS
Faith! --may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very
comical too, how you could go out and I not see you--for I was only
taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on
purpose that I might not miss you.

LUCY
My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

Sir LUCIUS
Sure enough it must have been so--and I never dreamt it was so late,
till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?

LUCY
Yes, but I have--I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

Sir LUCIUS
O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed--Well--let me see what
the dear creature says.

LUCY
There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter. ]

Sir LUCIUS
[Reads. ] _Sir--there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that
has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was
the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius
O'Trigger. _--Very pretty, upon my word. --_Female punctuation forbids me
to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to
find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Delia. _
Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language.
Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary! --for the devil a word
dare refuse coming at her call--though one would think it was quite out
of hearing.

LUCY
Ay, sir, a lady of her experience----

Sir LUCIUS
Experience! what, at seventeen?

LUCY
O true, sir--but then she reads so--my stars! how she will read off
hand!

Sir LUCIUS
Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way--though she is
rather an arbitrary writer too--for here are a great many poor words
pressed into the service of this note, that would get their _habeas
corpus_ from any court in Christendom.

LUCY
Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!
Sir LUCIUS
Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady
O'Trigger into the bargain! --But we must get the old gentlewoman's
consent--and do every thing fairly.

LUCY
Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice!

Sir LUCIUS
Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it:--I am so poor, that I can't
afford to do a dirty action. --If I did not want money, I'd steal your
mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. --However, my
pretty girl, [Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a
ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to
this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses
her. ]

LUCY
O Lud! Sir Lucius--I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you
if you're so impudent.

Sir LUCIUS
Faith she will, Lucy! --That same--pho! what's the name of
it? --modesty--is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than
liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a
kiss, tell her fifty--my dear.

LUCY
What, would you have me tell her a lie?

Sir LUCIUS
Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.

LUCY
For shame now! here is some one coming.

Sir LUCIUS
Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Exit, humming a tune. ]

[Enter FAG. ]

FAG
So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.

LUCY
O Lud! now, Mr. Fag--you flurry one so.

FAG
Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by--so a little less simplicity, with a
grain or two more sincerity, if you please. --You play false with us,
madam. --I saw you give the baronet a letter. --My master shall know
this--and if he don't call him out, I will.

LUCY
Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty. --That letter was
from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. --She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

FAG
How! what tastes some people have! --Why, I suppose I have walked by her
window a hundred times. --But what says our young lady? any message to
my master?

LUCY
Sad news. Mr. Fag. --A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has
proposed his son.

FAG
What, Captain Absolute?

LUCY
Even so--I overheard it all.

FAG
Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this
news.

LUCY
Well, you may laugh--but it is true, I assure you. --[Going. ] But, Mr.
Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.

FAG
Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!

LUCY
And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.

FAG
Never fear! never fear!

LUCY
Be sure--bid him keep up his spirits.

FAG
We will--we will.

[Exeunt severally. ]


* * * * * * * * * * *


ACT III

* * * * * * *


Scene I--The North Parade.
[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. ]

ABSOLUTE
'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father
wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away
with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too
summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my
recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed--but I
can assure him it is very sincere. So, so--here he comes. He looks
plaguy gruff. [Steps aside. ]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. ]

Sir ANTHONY
No--I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these
fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had
almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy!
Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his
brothers and sisters! --for putting him, at twelve years old, into a
marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his
pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I
never will see him more, never--never--never.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside, coming forward. ] Now for a penitential face.

Sir ANTHONY
Fellow, get out of my way!

ABSOLUTE
Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir ANTHONY
I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

ABSOLUTE
A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to
submit entirely to your will.

Sir ANTHONY
What's that?

ABSOLUTE
I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past
goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, sir?

ABSOLUTE
I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to
mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, puppy?

ABSOLUTE
Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is--a resolution to
sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir ANTHONY
Why now you talk sense--absolute sense--I never heard anything more
sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

ABSOLUTE
I am happy in the appellation.

Sir ANTHONY
Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really
is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented
my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare.
What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE
Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish!
Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE
As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the
matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY
Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully
irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love!
Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the
insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips
smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly
pouting; more lovely in sullenness!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside. ] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY
Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your
age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt
indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have
touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY
To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd
so! --yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another
matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire.
Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you
please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two,
one eye, and a few more graces of that kind--now, without being very
nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual
number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may
be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of
two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

Sir ANTHONY
What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite! --a vile,
insensible stock. You a soldier! --you're a walking block, fit only to
dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to
marry the girl myself!

ABSOLUTE
I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing
Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or
if you should change your mind, and take the old lady--'tis the same to
me--I'll marry the niece.

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but,
come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm
sure it must--come, now--damn your demure face! --come, confess
Jack--you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the
hypocrite, hey! --I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and
playing the hypocrite.

ABSOLUTE
I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be
so mistaken.

Sir ANTHONY
Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note
to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall
be the Promethean torch to you--come along, I'll never forgive you, if
you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience--if you
don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!

[Exeunt. ]

* * * * * * *


Scene II--JULIA's Dressing-room.
[FAULKLAND discovered alone. ]

FAULKLAND
They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come!
How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my
cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point:
but on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love
beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madly capricious! I
am conscious of it--yet I cannot correct myself! What tender honest joy
sparkled in her eyes when we met! how delicate was the warmth of her
expression! I was ashamed to appear less happy--though I had come
resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's
presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied
that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming!
Yes! --I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient
Faulkland counts the moments of her stay.

[Enter JULIA. ]

JULIA
I had not hoped to see you again so soon.

FAULKLAND
Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome--restrained as we
were by the presence of a third person?