No More Learning

"

"Shall I travel? --and with you, sir? "

"You shall sojourn at Paris, Rome, and Naples: at Florence, Venice, and
Vienna: all the ground I have wandered over shall be re-trodden by you:
wherever I stamped my hoof, your sylph's foot shall step also. Ten years
since, I flew through Europe half mad; with disgust, hate, and rage as my
companions: now I shall revisit it healed and cleansed, with a very angel
as my comforter. "

I laughed at him as he said this. "I am not an angel," I asserted; "and
I will not be one till I die: I will be myself. Mr. Rochester, you must
neither expect nor exact anything celestial of me--for you will not get
it, any more than I shall get it of you: which I do not at all
anticipate. "

"What do you anticipate of me? "

"For a little while you will perhaps be as you are now,--a very little
while; and then you will turn cool; and then you will be capricious; and
then you will be stern, and I shall have much ado to please you: but when
you get well used to me, you will perhaps like me again,--_like_ me, I
say, not _love_ me. I suppose your love will effervesce in six months,
or less. I have observed in books written by men, that period assigned
as the farthest to which a husband's ardour extends. Yet, after all, as
a friend and companion, I hope never to become quite distasteful to my
dear master. "

"Distasteful! and like you again! I think I shall like you again, and
yet again: and I will make you confess I do not only _like_, but _love_
you--with truth, fervour, constancy. "

"Yet are you not capricious, sir? "

"To women who please me only by their faces, I am the very devil when I
find out they have neither souls nor hearts--when they open to me a
perspective of flatness, triviality, and perhaps imbecility, coarseness,
and ill-temper: but to the clear eye and eloquent tongue, to the soul
made of fire, and the character that bends but does not break--at once
supple and stable, tractable and consistent--I am ever tender and true. "

"Had you ever experience of such a character, sir? Did you ever love
such an one? "

"I love it now. "

"But before me: if I, indeed, in any respect come up to your difficult
standard? "

"I never met your likeness. Jane, you please me, and you master me--you
seem to submit, and I like the sense of pliancy you impart; and while I
am twining the soft, silken skein round my finger, it sends a thrill up
my arm to my heart. I am influenced--conquered; and the influence is
sweeter than I can express; and the conquest I undergo has a witchery
beyond any triumph I can win. Why do you smile, Jane? What does that
inexplicable, that uncanny turn of countenance mean? "

"I was thinking, sir (you will excuse the idea; it was involuntary), I
was thinking of Hercules and Samson with their charmers--"

"You were, you little elfish--"

"Hush, sir! You don't talk very wisely just now; any more than those
gentlemen acted very wisely. However, had they been married, they would
no doubt by their severity as husbands have made up for their softness as
suitors; and so will you, I fear. I wonder how you will answer me a year
hence, should I ask a favour it does not suit your convenience or
pleasure to grant. "

"Ask me something now, Jane,--the least thing: I desire to be entreated--"

"Indeed I will, sir; I have my petition all ready. "

"Speak! But if you look up and smile with that countenance, I shall
swear concession before I know to what, and that will make a fool of me. "

"Not at all, sir; I ask only this: don't send for the jewels, and don't
crown me with roses: you might as well put a border of gold lace round
that plain pocket handkerchief you have there. "

"I might as well 'gild refined gold. ' I know it: your request is granted
then--for the time. I will remand the order I despatched to my banker.
But you have not yet asked for anything; you have prayed a gift to be
withdrawn: try again. "

"Well then, sir, have the goodness to gratify my curiosity, which is much
piqued on one point. "

He looked disturbed. "What? what? " he said hastily. "Curiosity is a
dangerous petition: it is well I have not taken a vow to accord every
request--"

"But there can be no danger in complying with this, sir. "

"Utter it, Jane: but I wish that instead of a mere inquiry into, perhaps,
a secret, it was a wish for half my estate. "

"Now, King Ahasuerus! What do I want with half your estate? Do you
think I am a Jew-usurer, seeking good investment in land? I would much
rather have all your confidence. You will not exclude me from your
confidence if you admit me to your heart? "

"You are welcome to all my confidence that is worth having, Jane; but for
God's sake, don't desire a useless burden! Don't long for poison--don't
turn out a downright Eve on my hands! "

"Why not, sir? You have just been telling me how much you liked to be
conquered, and how pleasant over-persuasion is to you. Don't you think I
had better take advantage of the confession, and begin and coax and
entreat--even cry and be sulky if necessary--for the sake of a mere essay
of my power? "

"I dare you to any such experiment. Encroach, presume, and the game is
up. "

"Is it, sir? You soon give in. How stern you look now! Your eyebrows
have become as thick as my finger, and your forehead resembles what, in
some very astonishing poetry, I once saw styled, 'a blue-piled
thunderloft. ' That will be your married look, sir, I suppose? "

"If that will be _your_ married look, I, as a Christian, will soon give
up the notion of consorting with a mere sprite or salamander. But what
had you to ask, thing,--out with it? "

"There, you are less than civil now; and I like rudeness a great deal
better than flattery. I had rather be a _thing_ than an angel. This is
what I have to ask,--Why did you take such pains to make me believe you
wished to marry Miss Ingram? "

"Is that all? Thank God it is no worse! " And now he unknit his black
brows; looked down, smiling at me, and stroked my hair, as if well
pleased at seeing a danger averted. "I think I may confess," he
continued, "even although I should make you a little indignant, Jane--and
I have seen what a fire-spirit you can be when you are indignant. You
glowed in the cool moonlight last night, when you mutinied against fate,
and claimed your rank as my equal. Janet, by-the-bye, it was you who
made me the offer. "

"Of course I did. But to the point if you please, sir--Miss Ingram? "

"Well, I feigned courtship of Miss Ingram, because I wished to render you
as madly in love with me as I was with you; and I knew jealousy would be
the best ally I could call in for the furtherance of that end. "

"Excellent! Now you are small--not one whit bigger than the end of my
little finger. It was a burning shame and a scandalous disgrace to act
in that way. Did you think nothing of Miss Ingram's feelings, sir? "

"Her feelings are concentrated in one--pride; and that needs humbling.
Were you jealous, Jane? "

"Never mind, Mr. Rochester: it is in no way interesting to you to know
that. Answer me truly once more. Do you think Miss Ingram will not
suffer from your dishonest coquetry? Won't she feel forsaken and
deserted? "

"Impossible! --when I told you how she, on the contrary, deserted me: the
idea of my insolvency cooled, or rather extinguished, her flame in a
moment. "

"You have a curious, designing mind, Mr. Rochester. I am afraid your
principles on some points are eccentric. "

"My principles were never trained, Jane: they may have grown a little
awry for want of attention. "

"Once again, seriously; may I enjoy the great good that has been
vouchsafed to me, without fearing that any one else is suffering the
bitter pain I myself felt a while ago? "

"That you may, my good little girl: there is not another being in the
world has the same pure love for me as yourself--for I lay that pleasant
unction to my soul, Jane, a belief in your affection. "

I turned my lips to the hand that lay on my shoulder. I loved him very
much--more than I could trust myself to say--more than words had power to
express.

"Ask something more," he said presently; "it is my delight to be
entreated, and to yield. "

I was again ready with my request. "Communicate your intentions to Mrs.
Fairfax, sir: she saw me with you last night in the hall, and she was
shocked. Give her some explanation before I see her again. It pains me
to be misjudged by so good a woman. "

"Go to your room, and put on your bonnet," he replied. "I mean you to
accompany me to Millcote this morning; and while you prepare for the
drive, I will enlighten the old lady's understanding. Did she think,
Janet, you had given the world for love, and considered it well lost? "

"I believe she thought I had forgotten my station, and yours, sir. "

"Station! station! --your station is in my heart, and on the necks of
those who would insult you, now or hereafter. --Go. "

I was soon dressed; and when I heard Mr. Rochester quit Mrs. Fairfax's
parlour, I hurried down to it. The old lady, had been reading her
morning portion of Scripture--the Lesson for the day; her Bible lay open
before her, and her spectacles were upon it. Her occupation, suspended
by Mr. Rochester's announcement, seemed now forgotten: her eyes, fixed on
the blank wall opposite, expressed the surprise of a quiet mind stirred
by unwonted tidings. Seeing me, she roused herself: she made a sort of
effort to smile, and framed a few words of congratulation; but the smile
expired, and the sentence was abandoned unfinished. She put up her
spectacles, shut the Bible, and pushed her chair back from the table.

"I feel so astonished," she began, "I hardly know what to say to you,
Miss Eyre. I have surely not been dreaming, have I? Sometimes I half
fall asleep when I am sitting alone and fancy things that have never
happened. It has seemed to me more than once when I have been in a doze,
that my dear husband, who died fifteen years since, has come in and sat
down beside me; and that I have even heard him call me by my name, Alice,
as he used to do. Now, can you tell me whether it is actually true that
Mr. Rochester has asked you to marry him? Don't laugh at me. But I
really thought he came in here five minutes ago, and said that in a month
you would be his wife. "

"He has said the same thing to me," I replied.

"He has! Do you believe him? Have you accepted him? "

"Yes. "

She looked at me bewildered. "I could never have thought it. He is a
proud man: all the Rochesters were proud: and his father, at least, liked
money. He, too, has always been called careful. He means to marry you? "

"He tells me so. "

She surveyed my whole person: in her eyes I read that they had there
found no charm powerful enough to solve the enigma.

"It passes me! " she continued; "but no doubt, it is true since you say
so. How it will answer, I cannot tell: I really don't know. Equality of
position and fortune is often advisable in such cases; and there are
twenty years of difference in your ages. He might almost be your
father. "

"No, indeed, Mrs. Fairfax! " exclaimed I, nettled; "he is nothing like my
father! No one, who saw us together, would suppose it for an instant.
Mr. Rochester looks as young, and is as young, as some men at five-and-
twenty. "

"Is it really for love he is going to marry you? " she asked.

I was so hurt by her coldness and scepticism, that the tears rose to my
eyes.

"I am sorry to grieve you," pursued the widow; "but you are so young, and
so little acquainted with men, I wished to put you on your guard. It is
an old saying that 'all is not gold that glitters;' and in this case I do
fear there will be something found to be different to what either you or
I expect. "

"Why? --am I a monster? " I said: "is it impossible that Mr. Rochester
should have a sincere affection for me? "

"No: you are very well; and much improved of late; and Mr. Rochester, I
daresay, is fond of you. I have always noticed that you were a sort of
pet of his. There are times when, for your sake, I have been a little
uneasy at his marked preference, and have wished to put you on your
guard: but I did not like to suggest even the possibility of wrong. I
knew such an idea would shock, perhaps offend you; and you were so
discreet, and so thoroughly modest and sensible, I hoped you might be
trusted to protect yourself. Last night I cannot tell you what I
suffered when I sought all over the house, and could find you nowhere,
nor the master either; and then, at twelve o'clock, saw you come in with
him. "

"Well, never mind that now," I interrupted impatiently; "it is enough
that all was right. "

"I hope all will be right in the end," she said: "but believe me, you
cannot be too careful. Try and keep Mr. Rochester at a distance:
distrust yourself as well as him. Gentlemen in his station are not
accustomed to marry their governesses. "

I was growing truly irritated: happily, Adele ran in.

"Let me go,--let me go to Millcote too! " she cried. "Mr. Rochester
won't: though there is so much room in the new carriage. Beg him to let
me go mademoiselle. "

"That I will, Adele;" and I hastened away with her, glad to quit my
gloomy monitress. The carriage was ready: they were bringing it round to
the front, and my master was pacing the pavement, Pilot following him
backwards and forwards.

"Adele may accompany us, may she not, sir? "

"I told her no. I'll have no brats! --I'll have only you. "

"Do let her go, Mr. Rochester, if you please: it would be better. "

"Not it: she will be a restraint. "

He was quite peremptory, both in look and voice. The chill of Mrs.
Fairfax's warnings, and the damp of her doubts were upon me: something of
unsubstantiality and uncertainty had beset my hopes. I half lost the
sense of power over him. I was about mechanically to obey him, without
further remonstrance; but as he helped me into the carriage, he looked at
my face.

"What is the matter? " he asked; "all the sunshine is gone. Do you really
wish the bairn to go? Will it annoy you if she is left behind? "

"I would far rather she went, sir. "

"Then off for your bonnet, and back like a flash of lightning! " cried he
to Adele.

She obeyed him with what speed she might.

"After all, a single morning's interruption will not matter much," said
he, "when I mean shortly to claim you--your thoughts, conversation, and
company--for life.
"

Adele, when lifted in, commenced kissing me, by way of expressing her
gratitude for my intercession: she was instantly stowed away into a
corner on the other side of him. She then peeped round to where I sat;
so stern a neighbour was too restrictive to him, in his present fractious
mood, she dared whisper no observations, nor ask of him any information.

"Let her come to me," I entreated: "she will, perhaps, trouble you, sir:
there is plenty of room on this side. "

He handed her over as if she had been a lapdog. "I'll send her to school
yet," he said, but now he was smiling.

Adele heard him, and asked if she was to go to school "sans
mademoiselle? "

"Yes," he replied, "absolutely sans mademoiselle; for I am to take
mademoiselle to the moon, and there I shall seek a cave in one of the
white valleys among the volcano-tops, and mademoiselle shall live with me
there, and only me. "

"She will have nothing to eat: you will starve her," observed Adele.

"I shall gather manna for her morning and night: the plains and hillsides
in the moon are bleached with manna, Adele. "

"She will want to warm herself: what will she do for a fire? "

"Fire rises out of the lunar mountains: when she is cold, I'll carry her
up to a peak, and lay her down on the edge of a crater. "

"Oh, qu' elle y sera mal--peu comfortable! And her clothes, they will
wear out: how can she get new ones? "

Mr. Rochester professed to be puzzled. "Hem! " said he. "What would you
do, Adele? Cudgel your brains for an expedient. How would a white or a
pink cloud answer for a gown, do you think? And one could cut a pretty
enough scarf out of a rainbow. "

"She is far better as she is," concluded Adele, after musing some time:
"besides, she would get tired of living with only you in the moon. If I
were mademoiselle, I would never consent to go with you. "

"She has consented: she has pledged her word. "

"But you can't get her there; there is no road to the moon: it is all
air; and neither you nor she can fly. "

"Adele, look at that field. " We were now outside Thornfield gates, and
bowling lightly along the smooth road to Millcote, where the dust was
well laid by the thunderstorm, and, where the low hedges and lofty timber
trees on each side glistened green and rain-refreshed.

"In that field, Adele, I was walking late one evening about a fortnight
since--the evening of the day you helped me to make hay in the orchard
meadows; and, as I was tired with raking swaths, I sat down to rest me on
a stile; and there I took out a little book and a pencil, and began to
write about a misfortune that befell me long ago, and a wish I had for
happy days to come: I was writing away very fast, though daylight was
fading from the leaf, when something came up the path and stopped two
yards off me. I looked at it. It was a little thing with a veil of
gossamer on its head. I beckoned it to come near me; it stood soon at my
knee. I never spoke to it, and it never spoke to me, in words; but I
read its eyes, and it read mine; and our speechless colloquy was to this
effect--

"It was a fairy, and come from Elf-land, it said; and its errand was to
make me happy: I must go with it out of the common world to a lonely
place--such as the moon, for instance--and it nodded its head towards her
horn, rising over Hay-hill: it told me of the alabaster cave and silver
vale where we might live. I said I should like to go; but reminded it,
as you did me, that I had no wings to fly.

"'Oh,' returned the fairy, 'that does not signify! Here is a talisman
will remove all difficulties;' and she held out a pretty gold ring. 'Put
it,' she said, 'on the fourth finger of my left hand, and I am yours, and
you are mine; and we shall leave earth, and make our own heaven yonder. '
She nodded again at the moon. The ring, Adele, is in my breeches-pocket,
under the disguise of a sovereign: but I mean soon to change it to a ring
again. "

"But what has mademoiselle to do with it? I don't care for the fairy:
you said it was mademoiselle you would take to the moon? "

"Mademoiselle is a fairy," he said, whispering mysteriously. Whereupon I
told her not to mind his badinage; and she, on her part, evinced a fund
of genuine French scepticism: denominating Mr. Rochester "un vrai
menteur," and assuring him that she made no account whatever of his
"contes de fee," and that "du reste, il n'y avait pas de fees, et quand
meme il y en avait:" she was sure they would never appear to him, nor
ever give him rings, or offer to live with him in the moon.

The hour spent at Millcote was a somewhat harassing one to me. Mr.
Rochester obliged me to go to a certain silk warehouse: there I was
ordered to choose half-a-dozen dresses. I hated the business, I begged
leave to defer it: no--it should be gone through with now. By dint of
entreaties expressed in energetic whispers, I reduced the half-dozen to
two: these however, he vowed he would select himself. With anxiety I
watched his eye rove over the gay stores: he fixed on a rich silk of the
most brilliant amethyst dye, and a superb pink satin. I told him in a
new series of whispers, that he might as well buy me a gold gown and a
silver bonnet at once: I should certainly never venture to wear his
choice. With infinite difficulty, for he was stubborn as a stone, I
persuaded him to make an exchange in favour of a sober black satin and
pearl-grey silk. "It might pass for the present," he said; "but he would
yet see me glittering like a parterre. "

Glad was I to get him out of the silk warehouse, and then out of a
jewellers shop: the more he bought me, the more my cheek burned with a
sense of annoyance and degradation. As we re-entered the carriage, and I
sat back feverish and fagged, I remembered what, in the hurry of events,
dark and bright, I had wholly forgotten--the letter of my uncle, John
Eyre, to Mrs. Reed: his intention to adopt me and make me his legatee.
"It would, indeed, be a relief," I thought, "if I had ever so small an
independency; I never can bear being dressed like a doll by Mr.
Rochester, or sitting like a second Danae with the golden shower falling
daily round me. I will write to Madeira the moment I get home, and tell
my uncle John I am going to be married, and to whom: if I had but a
prospect of one day bringing Mr. Rochester an accession of fortune, I
could better endure to be kept by him now. " And somewhat relieved by
this idea (which I failed not to execute that day), I ventured once more
to meet my master's and lover's eye, which most pertinaciously sought
mine, though I averted both face and gaze. He smiled; and I thought his
smile was such as a sultan might, in a blissful and fond moment, bestow
on a slave his gold and gems had enriched: I crushed his hand, which was
ever hunting mine, vigorously, and thrust it back to him red with the
passionate pressure.

"You need not look in that way," I said; "if you do, I'll wear nothing
but my old Lowood frocks to the end of the chapter. I'll be married in
this lilac gingham: you may make a dressing-gown for yourself out of the
pearl-grey silk, and an infinite series of waistcoats out of the black
satin. "

He chuckled; he rubbed his hands. "Oh, it is rich to see and hear her? "
he exclaimed. "Is she original? Is she piquant? I would not exchange
this one little English girl for the Grand Turk's whole seraglio, gazelle-
eyes, houri forms, and all! "

The Eastern allusion bit me again. "I'll not stand you an inch in the
stead of a seraglio," I said; "so don't consider me an equivalent for
one. If you have a fancy for anything in that line, away with you, sir,
to the bazaars of Stamboul without delay, and lay out in extensive slave-
purchases some of that spare cash you seem at a loss to spend
satisfactorily here. "

"And what will you do, Janet, while I am bargaining for so many tons of
flesh and such an assortment of black eyes? "

"I'll be preparing myself to go out as a missionary to preach liberty to
them that are enslaved--your harem inmates amongst the rest. I'll get
admitted there, and I'll stir up mutiny; and you, three-tailed bashaw as
you are, sir, shall in a trice find yourself fettered amongst our hands:
nor will I, for one, consent to cut your bonds till you have signed a
charter, the most liberal that despot ever yet conferred. "

"I would consent to be at your mercy, Jane. "

"I would have no mercy, Mr. Rochester, if you supplicated for it with an
eye like that. While you looked so, I should be certain that whatever
charter you might grant under coercion, your first act, when released,
would be to violate its conditions. "

"Why, Jane, what would you have? I fear you will compel me to go through
a private marriage ceremony, besides that performed at the altar. You
will stipulate, I see, for peculiar terms--what will they be? "

"I only want an easy mind, sir; not crushed by crowded obligations. Do
you remember what you said of Celine Varens? --of the diamonds, the
cashmeres you gave her? I will not be your English Celine Varens. I
shall continue to act as Adele's governess; by that I shall earn my board
and lodging, and thirty pounds a year besides. I'll furnish my own
wardrobe out of that money, and you shall give me nothing but--"

"Well, but what? "

"Your regard; and if I give you mine in return, that debt will be quit. "

"Well, for cool native impudence and pure innate pride, you haven't your
equal," said he. We were now approaching Thornfield. "Will it please
you to dine with me to-day? " he asked, as we re-entered the gates.

"No, thank you, sir. "

"And what for, 'no, thank you? ' if one may inquire. "

"I never have dined with you, sir: and I see no reason why I should now:
till--"

"Till what? You delight in half-phrases. "

"Till I can't help it. "

"Do you suppose I eat like an ogre or a ghoul, that you dread being the
companion of my repast? "

"I have formed no supposition on the subject, sir; but I want to go on as
usual for another month. "

"You will give up your governessing slavery at once. "

"Indeed, begging your pardon, sir, I shall not. I shall just go on with
it as usual. I shall keep out of your way all day, as I have been
accustomed to do: you may send for me in the evening, when you feel
disposed to see me, and I'll come then; but at no other time. "

"I want a smoke, Jane, or a pinch of snuff, to comfort me under all this,
'pour me donner une contenance,' as Adele would say; and unfortunately I
have neither my cigar-case, nor my snuff-box. But listen--whisper. It
is your time now, little tyrant, but it will be mine presently; and when
once I have fairly seized you, to have and to hold, I'll
just--figuratively speaking--attach you to a chain like this" (touching
his watch-guard). "Yes, bonny wee thing, I'll wear you in my bosom, lest
my jewel I should tyne. "

He said this as he helped me to alight from the carriage, and while he
afterwards lifted out Adele, I entered the house, and made good my
retreat upstairs.

He duly summoned me to his presence in the evening. I had prepared an
occupation for him; for I was determined not to spend the whole time in a
_tete-a-tete_ conversation. I remembered his fine voice; I knew he liked
to sing--good singers generally do. I was no vocalist myself, and, in
his fastidious judgment, no musician, either; but I delighted in
listening when the performance was good. No sooner had twilight, that
hour of romance, began to lower her blue and starry banner over the
lattice, than I rose, opened the piano, and entreated him, for the love
of heaven, to give me a song. He said I was a capricious witch, and that
he would rather sing another time; but I averred that no time was like
the present.

"Did I like his voice? " he asked.

"Very much. " I was not fond of pampering that susceptible vanity of his;
but for once, and from motives of expediency, I would e'en soothe and
stimulate it.

"Then, Jane, you must play the accompaniment. "

"Very well, sir, I will try. "

I did try, but was presently swept off the stool and denominated "a
little bungler. " Being pushed unceremoniously to one side--which was
precisely what I wished--he usurped my place, and proceeded to accompany
himself: for he could play as well as sing. I hied me to the
window-recess. And while I sat there and looked out on the still trees
and dim lawn, to a sweet air was sung in mellow tones the following
strain:--

"The truest love that ever heart
Felt at its kindled core,
Did through each vein, in quickened start,
The tide of being pour.

Her coming was my hope each day,
Her parting was my pain;
The chance that did her steps delay
Was ice in every vein.

I dreamed it would be nameless bliss,
As I loved, loved to be;
And to this object did I press
As blind as eagerly.

But wide as pathless was the space
That lay our lives between,
And dangerous as the foamy race
Of ocean-surges green.

And haunted as a robber-path
Through wilderness or wood;
For Might and Right, and Woe and Wrath,
Between our spirits stood.

I dangers dared; I hindrance scorned;
I omens did defy:
Whatever menaced, harassed, warned,
I passed impetuous by.

On sped my rainbow, fast as light;
I flew as in a dream;
For glorious rose upon my sight
That child of Shower and Gleam.

Still bright on clouds of suffering dim
Shines that soft, solemn joy;
Nor care I now, how dense and grim
Disasters gather nigh.

I care not in this moment sweet,
Though all I have rushed o'er
Should come on pinion, strong and fleet,
Proclaiming vengeance sore:

Though haughty Hate should strike me down,
Right, bar approach to me,
And grinding Might, with furious frown,
Swear endless enmity.

My love has placed her little hand
With noble faith in mine,
And vowed that wedlock's sacred band
Our nature shall entwine.

My love has sworn, with sealing kiss,
With me to live--to die;
I have at last my nameless bliss.
As I love--loved am I! "

He rose and came towards me, and I saw his face all kindled, and his full
falcon-eye flashing, and tenderness and passion in every lineament. I
quailed momentarily--then I rallied. Soft scene, daring demonstration, I
would not have; and I stood in peril of both: a weapon of defence must be
prepared--I whetted my tongue: as he reached me, I asked with asperity,
"whom he was going to marry now? "

"That was a strange question to be put by his darling Jane. "

"Indeed! I considered it a very natural and necessary one: he had talked
of his future wife dying with him. What did he mean by such a pagan
idea? _I_ had no intention of dying with him--he might depend on that. "

"Oh, all he longed, all he prayed for, was that I might live with him!
Death was not for such as I. "

"Indeed it was: I had as good a right to die when my time came as he had:
but I should bide that time, and not be hurried away in a suttee. "

"Would I forgive him for the selfish idea, and prove my pardon by a
reconciling kiss? "

"No: I would rather be excused. "

Here I heard myself apostrophised as a "hard little thing;" and it was
added, "any other woman would have been melted to marrow at hearing such
stanzas crooned in her praise. "

I assured him I was naturally hard--very flinty, and that he would often
find me so; and that, moreover, I was determined to show him divers
rugged points in my character before the ensuing four weeks elapsed: he
should know fully what sort of a bargain he had made, while there was yet
time to rescind it.

"Would I be quiet and talk rationally? "

"I would be quiet if he liked, and as to talking rationally, I flattered
myself I was doing that now. "

He fretted, pished, and pshawed. "Very good," I thought; "you may fume
and fidget as you please: but this is the best plan to pursue with you, I
am certain. I like you more than I can say; but I'll not sink into a
bathos of sentiment: and with this needle of repartee I'll keep you from
the edge of the gulf too; and, moreover, maintain by its pungent aid that
distance between you and myself most conducive to our real mutual
advantage. "

From less to more, I worked him up to considerable irritation; then,
after he had retired, in dudgeon, quite to the other end of the room, I
got up, and saying, "I wish you good-night, sir," in my natural and
wonted respectful manner, I slipped out by the side-door and got away.

The system thus entered on, I pursued during the whole season of
probation; and with the best success. He was kept, to be sure, rather
cross and crusty; but on the whole I could see he was excellently
entertained, and that a lamb-like submission and turtle-dove sensibility,
while fostering his despotism more, would have pleased his judgment,
satisfied his common-sense, and even suited his taste less.

In other people's presence I was, as formerly, deferential and quiet; any
other line of conduct being uncalled for: it was only in the evening
conferences I thus thwarted and afflicted him. He continued to send for
me punctually the moment the clock struck seven; though when I appeared
before him now, he had no such honeyed terms as "love" and "darling" on
his lips: the best words at my service were "provoking puppet,"
"malicious elf," "sprite," "changeling," &c. For caresses, too, I now
got grimaces; for a pressure of the hand, a pinch on the arm; for a kiss
on the cheek, a severe tweak of the ear. It was all right: at present I
decidedly preferred these fierce favours to anything more tender. Mrs.
Fairfax, I saw, approved me: her anxiety on my account vanished;
therefore I was certain I did well. Meantime, Mr. Rochester affirmed I
was wearing him to skin and bone, and threatened awful vengeance for my
present conduct at some period fast coming. I laughed in my sleeve at
his menaces. "I can keep you in reasonable check now," I reflected; "and
I don't doubt to be able to do it hereafter: if one expedient loses its
virtue, another must be devised. "

Yet after all my task was not an easy one; often I would rather have
pleased than teased him. My future husband was becoming to me my whole
world; and more than the world: almost my hope of heaven. He stood
between me and every thought of religion, as an eclipse intervenes
between man and the broad sun. I could not, in those days, see God for
His creature: of whom I had made an idol.




CHAPTER XXV


The month of courtship had wasted: its very last hours were being
numbered. There was no putting off the day that advanced--the bridal
day; and all preparations for its arrival were complete. _I_, at least,
had nothing more to do: there were my trunks, packed, locked, corded,
ranged in a row along the wall of my little chamber; to-morrow, at this
time, they would be far on their road to London: and so should I
(D. V. ),--or rather, not I, but one Jane Rochester, a person whom as yet I
knew not. The cards of address alone remained to nail on: they lay, four
little squares, in the drawer. Mr. Rochester had himself written the
direction, "Mrs. Rochester, --- Hotel, London," on each: I could not
persuade myself to affix them, or to have them affixed. Mrs. Rochester!
She did not exist: she would not be born till to-morrow, some time after
eight o'clock a. m. ; and I would wait to be assured she had come into the
world alive before I assigned to her all that property. It was enough
that in yonder closet, opposite my dressing-table, garments said to be
hers had already displaced my black stuff Lowood frock and straw bonnet:
for not to me appertained that suit of wedding raiment; the
pearl-coloured robe, the vapoury veil pendent from the usurped
portmanteau. I shut the closet to conceal the strange, wraith-like
apparel it contained; which, at this evening hour--nine o'clock--gave out
certainly a most ghostly shimmer through the shadow of my apartment. "I
will leave you by yourself, white dream," I said. "I am feverish: I hear
the wind blowing: I will go out of doors and feel it. "

It was not only the hurry of preparation that made me feverish; not only
the anticipation of the great change--the new life which was to commence
to-morrow: both these circumstances had their share, doubtless, in
producing that restless, excited mood which hurried me forth at this late
hour into the darkening grounds: but a third cause influenced my mind
more than they.

I had at heart a strange and anxious thought. Something had happened
which I could not comprehend; no one knew of or had seen the event but
myself: it had taken place the preceding night. Mr. Rochester that night
was absent from home; nor was he yet returned: business had called him to
a small estate of two or three farms he possessed thirty miles
off--business it was requisite he should settle in person, previous to
his meditated departure from England. I waited now his return; eager to
disburthen my mind, and to seek of him the solution of the enigma that
perplexed me. Stay till he comes, reader; and, when I disclose my secret
to him, you shall share the confidence.

I sought the orchard, driven to its shelter by the wind, which all day
had blown strong and full from the south, without, however, bringing a
speck of rain. Instead of subsiding as night drew on, it seemed to
augment its rush and deepen its roar: the trees blew steadfastly one way,
never writhing round, and scarcely tossing back their boughs once in an
hour; so continuous was the strain bending their branchy heads
northward--the clouds drifted from pole to pole, fast following, mass on
mass: no glimpse of blue sky had been visible that July day.