No More Learning

At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of
the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or
original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have
crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late
Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc. ; that the rhymes and pictures
are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning,
etc. ; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every
one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were
made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever
allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and
throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the
subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute,
having been my aim throughout.

As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the
author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which
occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into
the origin of the rumor.

I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage,
containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently,
however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had
just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their
delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth.

"How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children,
and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to
composing that charming book! "

(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author. )

"Do you not know who is the writer of it? " asked the gentleman.

"The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies.

"Ah! " said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of
the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as
you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed. "

"But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the
great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth
Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear. "

"That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a
position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord
Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear. "

"Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr.
Lear. "

"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake! " said the old gentleman, becoming
rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I
can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists! "

Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief
and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in
my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to
resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be
extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence.

The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the
Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of
children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then
illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R. J. Bush, of 32
Charing Cross.

The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different
intervals in the last two years.

Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house,
where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old
man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse
lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and
thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the
first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever
having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome
at the appearance of every new absurdity.

Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones
in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of
the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call
for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of
subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be
carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the
copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published
in 1843.
EDWARD LEAR.

VILLA EMILY, SAN REMO,
August, 1871.

* * * * *




NONSENSE BOTANY.


[Illustration: Barkia Howlaloudia. ]

[Illustration: Enkoopia Chickabiddia. ]

[Illustration: Jinglia Tinkettlia. ]

[Illustration: Nasticreechia Krorluppia. ]

[Illustration: Arthbroomia Rigida. ]

[Illustration: Sophtsluggia Glutinosa. ]

[Illustration: Minspysia Deliciosa. ]

[Illustration: Shoebootia Utilis. ]

[Illustration: Stunnia Dinnerbellia. ]

[Illustration: Tickia Orologica. ]

[Illustration: Washtubbia Circularis. ]

[Illustration: Tigerlillia Terribilis. ]

* * * * *




ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES.


[Illustration]

There was a young person of Bantry,
Who frequently slept in the pantry;
When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice,
That judicious young person of Bantry.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man at a Junction,
Whose feelings were wrung with compunction
When they said, "The Train's gone! " he exclaimed, "How forlorn! "
But remained on the rails of the Junction.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Minety,
Who purchased five hundred and ninety
Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares
At the heads of the people of Minety.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Thermopylae,
Who never did anything properly;
But they said, "If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes,
You shall never remain in Thermopylae. "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Deal,
Who in walking used only his heel;
When they said, "Tell us why? " he made no reply,
That mysterious old person of Deal.

[Illustration]

There was an old man on the Humber,
Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber;
When he said, "It's enough! " they only said, "Stuff!
You amazing old man on the Humber! "

[Illustration]

There was an old man in a barge,
Whose nose was exceedingly large;
But in fishing by night, it supported a light,
Which helped that old man in a barge.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dunrose;
A parrot seized hold of his nose.
When he grew melancholy, they said, "His name's Polly,"
Which soothed that old man of Dunrose.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Toulouse
Who purchased a new pair of shoes;
When they asked, "Are they pleasant? " he said, "Not at present! "
That turbid old man of Toulouse.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bree,
Who frequented the depths of the sea;
She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes,
And swam back again into Bree.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bromley,
Whose ways were not cheerful or comely;
He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust,
That unpleasing old person of Bromley.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Shields,
Who frequented the vallies and fields;
All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats,
Followed after that person of Shields.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dunluce,
Who went out to sea on a goose:
When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile,
"It is time to return to Dunluce. "

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dee-side
Whose hat was exceedingly wide,
But he said, "Do not fail, if it happen to hail,
To come under my hat at Dee-side! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person in black,
A Grasshopper jumped on his back;
When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear,
That helpless old person in black.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of the Dargle
Who purchased six barrels of Gargle;
For he said, "I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill,
For the fish in the depths of the Dargle. "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Pinner,
As thin as a lath, if not thinner;
They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight,
That elastic old person of Pinner.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of China,
Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah,
Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy,
And all of them settled in China.

[Illustration]

There was an old man in a Marsh,
Whose manners were futile and harsh;
He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog,
That instructive old man in a Marsh.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Brill,
Who purchased a shirt with a frill;
But they said, "Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish,
You obsequious old person of Brill? "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Wick,
Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick;
Chickabee, Chickabaw. " And he said nothing more,
That laconic old person of Wick.

[Illustration]

There was an old man at a Station,
Who made a promiscuous oration;
But they said, "Take some snuff! --You have talk'd quite enough,
You afflicting old man at a Station! "

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Three Bridges,
Whose mind was distracted by midges,
He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal,
Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Hong Kong,
Who never did anything wrong;
He lay on his back, with his head in a sack,
That innocuous old man of Hong Kong.

[Illustration]

There was a young person in green,
Who seldom was fit to be seen;
She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all,
Which enveloped that person in green.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Fife,
Who was greatly disgusted with life;
They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad,
Which cured that old person of Fife.

[Illustration]

There was an old man who screamed out
Whenever they knocked him about:
So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits,
And continued to knock him about.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady in white,
Who looked out at the depths of the night;
But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair,
And oppressed that young lady in white.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Slough,
Who danced at the end of a bough;
But they said, "If you sneeze, you might damage the trees,
You imprudent old person of Slough. "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Down,
Whose face was adorned with a frown;
When he opened the door, for one minute or more,
He alarmed all the people of Down.

[Illustration]

There was a young person in red,
Who carefully covered her head,
With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather,
Besides some long ribands of red.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Hove,
Who frequented the depths of a grove;
Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks,
That tranquil old person of Hove.

[Illustration]

There was a young person in pink,
Who called out for something to drink;
But they said, "O my daughter, there's nothing but water! "
Which vexed that young person in pink.

[Illustration]

There was an old lady of France,
Who taught little ducklings to dance;
When she said, "Tick-a-tack! " they only said, "Quack! "
Which grieved that old lady of France.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Putney,
Whose food was roast spiders and chutney,
Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea,
That romantic old person of Putney.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Loo,
Who said, "What on earth shall I do? "
When they said, "Go away! " she continued to stay,
That vexatious old person of Loo.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Woking,
Whose mind was perverse and provoking;
He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail,
That illusive old person of Woking.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Dean
Who dined on one pea, and one bean;
For he said, "More than that, would make me too fat,"
That cautious old person of Dean.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady in blue,
Who said, "Is it you? Is it you? "
When they said, "Yes, it is," she replied only, "Whizz! "
That ungracious young lady in blue.

[Illustration]

There was an old Man in a Garden,
Who always begged every one's pardon;
When they asked him, "What for? " he replied, "You're a bore!
And I trust you'll go out of my garden. "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Pisa,
Whose daughters did nothing to please her;
She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day,
Round the walls of the city of Pisa.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Florence,
Who held mutton chops in abhorrence;
He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard,
Which choked that old person of Florence.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Sheen,
Whose expression was calm and serene;
He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter,
That placid old person of Sheen.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Ware,
Who rode on the back of a bear;
When they ask'd, "Does it trot? " he said, "Certainly not!
He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear! "

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Janina,
Whose uncle was always a fanning her;
When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said,
"You propitious old person of Janina! "

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Cashmere,
Whose movements were scroobious and queer;
Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall,
And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Cassel,
Whose nose finished off in a tassel;
But they call'd out, "Oh well! don't it look like a bell! "
Which perplexed that old person of Cassel.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Pett,
Who was partly consumed by regret;
He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart,
Which relieved that old person of Pett.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Spithead,
Who opened the window, and said,--
"Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble! "
That doubtful old man of Spithead.

[Illustration]

There was an old man on the Border,
Who lived in the utmost disorder;
He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat,
Which vexed all the folks on the Border.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dumbree,
Who taught little owls to drink tea;
For he said, "To eat mice is not proper or nice,"
That amiable man of Dumbree.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Filey,
Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly;
He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell,
And delighted the people of Filey.

[Illustration]

There was an old man whose remorse
Induced him to drink Caper Sauce;
For they said, "If mixed up with some cold claret-cup,
It will certainly soothe your remorse! "

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Ibreem,
Who suddenly threaten'd to scream;
But they said, "If you do, we will thump you quite blue,
You disgusting old man of Ibreem! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Wilts,
Who constantly walked upon stilts;
He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies,
That elegant person of Wilts.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Grange,
Whose manners were scroobious and strange;
He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub,
That aquatic old person of Grange.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Newry,
Whose manners were tinctured with fury;
He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs,
Within twenty miles' distance of Newry.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dumblane,
Who greatly resembled a crane;
But they said, "Is it wrong, since your legs are so long,
To request you won't stay in Dumblane? "

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Port Grigor,
Whose actions were noted for vigour;
He stood on his head till his waistcoat turned red,
That eclectic old man of Port Grigor.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of El Hums,
Who lived upon nothing but crumbs,
Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round,
In the roads and the lanes of El Hums.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of West Dumpet,
Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet;
When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd,
And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Sark,
Who made an unpleasant remark;
But they said, "Don't you see what a brute you must be,
You obnoxious old person of Sark! "

[Illustration]

There was an old man whose despair
Induced him to purchase a hare:
Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away,
Which partly assuaged his despair.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Barnes,
Whose garments were covered with darns;
But they said, "Without doubt, you will soon wear them out,
You luminous person of Barnes! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Nice,
Whose associates were usually Geese.
They walked out together in all sorts of weather,
That affable person of Nice!

[Illustration]

There was a young lady of Greenwich,
Whose garments were border'd with Spinach;
But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half,
Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Cannes,
Who purchased three fowls and a fan;
Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool
She constantly fanned them at Cannes.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Ickley,
Who could not abide to ride quickly;
He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back,
That moony old person of Ickley.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Hyde,
Who walked by the shore with his bride,
Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear,
And they said, "Would we'd never left Hyde! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person in gray,
Whose feelings were tinged with dismay;
She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots,
Which pleased that old person in gray.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Ancona,
Who found a small dog with no owner,
Which he took up and down all the streets of the town,
That anxious old man of Ancona.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Sestri,
Who sate himself down in the vestry;
When they said, "You are wrong! " he merely said "Bong! "
That repulsive old person of Sestri.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Blythe,
Who cut up his meat with a scythe;
When they said, "Well! I never! " he cried, "Scythes for ever! "
That lively old person of Blythe.

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Ayr,
Whose head was remarkably square:
On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather;
Which dazzled the people of Ayr.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Rimini,
Who said, "Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini! "
When they said, "Please be still! " she ran down a hill,
And was never more heard of at Rimini.

[Illustration]

There is a young lady, whose nose,
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Ealing,
Who was wholly devoid of good feeling;
He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig,
Which distressed all the people of Ealing.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Thames Ditton,
Who called out for something to sit on;
But they brought him a hat, and said, "Sit upon that,
You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bray,
Who sang through the whole of the day
To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs,
That valuable person of Bray.

[Illustration]

There was a young person whose history
Was always considered a mystery;
She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which,
And composed a small treatise on history.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bow,
Whom nobody happened to know;
So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope
You will go back directly to Bow! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Rye,
Who went up to town on a fly;
But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off!
You abstemious old person of Rye! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Crowle,
Who lived in the nest of an owl;
When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest,
That depressing old person of Crowle.

[Illustration]

There was an old Lady of Winchelsea,
Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see
On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom! "
That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea!

[Illustration]

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests in that tree.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady of Corsica,
Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur;
Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam,
That expensive young lady of Corsica.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady of Firle,
Whose hair was addicted to curl;
It curled up a tree, and all over the sea,
That expansive young lady of Firle.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Stroud,
Who was horribly jammed in a crowd;
Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick,
That impulsive old person of Stroud.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Boulak,
Who sate on a Crocodile's back;
But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite,
Which might vex you, old man of Boulak! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Skye,
Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly:
They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon,
And entranced all the people of Skye.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Blackheath,
Whose head was adorned with a wreath
Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice,
That uncommon old man of Blackheath.

[Illustration]

There was an old man, who when little
Fell casually into a kettle;
But, growing too stout, he could never get out,
So he passed all his life in that kettle.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Dundalk,
Who tried to teach fishes to walk;
When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said,
"I had better go back to Dundalk! "

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Shoreham,
Whose habits were marked by decorum;
He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar,
Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bar,
Who passed all her life in a jar,
Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene,
That placid old person of Bar.

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Kew,
Whose virtues and vices were few;
But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste,
Which destroyed that young person of Kew.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Jodd,
Whose ways were perplexing and odd;
She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle,
And squeaked to the people of Jodd.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bude,
Whose deportment was vicious and crude;
He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff,
Which perplexed all the people of Bude.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Brigg,
Who purchased no end of a wig;
So that only his nose, and the end of his toes,
Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Messina,
Whose daughter was named Opsibeena;
She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig,
To the perfect delight of Messina.




TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES.


[Illustration]

The Absolutely Abstemious Ass,
who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on
Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers.

[Illustration]

The Bountiful Beetle,
who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain,
and left it at home when it did.

[Illustration]

The Comfortable Confidential Cow,
who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and
toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire.

[Illustration]

The Dolomphious Duck,
who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner
with a Runcible Spoon.

[Illustration]

The Enthusiastic Elephant,
who ferried himself across the water with the
Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings.

[Illustration]

The Fizzgiggious Fish,
who always walked about upon Stilts,
because he had no legs.

[Illustration]

The Good-natured Grey Gull,
who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag,
across the river, because he could not swim.

[Illustration]

The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen,
who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl,
and bought a Fish for her Supper.

[Illustration]

The Inventive Indian,
who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a
Stupendous Silver Spoon.
[Illustration]

The Judicious Jubilant Jay,
who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses,
Three feathers, and a Gold Pin.

[Illustration]

The Kicking Kangaroo,
who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress
with Blue spots.

[Illustration]

The Lively Learned Lobster,
who mended his own Clothes with
a Needle and Thread.

[Illustration]

The Melodious Meritorious Mouse,
who played a merry minuet on the
Piano-forte.

[Illustration]

The Nutritious Newt,
who purchased a Round Plum-pudding
for his grand-daughter.

[Illustration]

The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich,
who wore Boots to keep his
feet quite dry.

[Illustration: PARSNIP PIE]

The Perpendicular Purple Polly,
who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie
with his Spectacles.

[Illustration]

The Queer Querulous Quail,
who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of
a Tin Tea-kettle.

[Illustration]

The Rural Runcible Raven,
who wore a White Wig and flew away
with the Carpet Broom.

[Illustration]

The Scroobious Snake,
who always wore a Hat on his Head, for
fear he should bite anybody.

[Illustration]

The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise,
who beat a Drum all day long in the
middle of the wilderness.

[Illustration]

The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker,
whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was
always covered by his Umbrella.

[Illustration]

The Visibly Vicious Vulture,
who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a
Volume bound in Vellum.

[Illustration]

The Worrying Whizzing Wasp,
who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a
Flute with a Morning Cap.

[Illustration]

The Excellent Double-extra XX
imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a
long while ago.

[Illustration]

The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
whose Head was ever so much bigger than his
Body, and whose Hat was rather small.

[Illustration]

The Zigzag Zealous Zebra,
who carried five Monkeys on his back all
the way to Jellibolee.





* * * * *


LAUGHABLE LYRICS

A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc.

by

EDWARD LEAR

Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_,
_Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc. , etc.


With All the Original Illustrations.






[Illustration]




CONTENTS

LAUGHABLE LYRICS.
THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE
THE TWO OLD BACHELORS
THE PELICAN CHORUS
THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bo
THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES
THE NEW VESTMENTS
MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS
THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT
THE CUMMERBUND
THE AKOND OF SWAT

NONSENSE BOTANY

" ALPHABET, No. 5
" " No. 6

* * * * *




LAUGHABLE LYRICS.


THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE.

[Illustration]

When awful darkness and silence reign
Over the great Gromboolian plain,
Through the long, long wintry nights;
When the angry breakers roar
As they beat on the rocky shore;
When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights
Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,--

Then, through the vast and gloomy dark
There moves what seems a fiery spark,--
A lonely spark with silvery rays
Piercing the coal-black night,--
A Meteor strange and bright:
Hither and thither the vision strays,
A single lurid light.

Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,--
Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps;
And ever as onward it gleaming goes
A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws.
And those who watch at that midnight hour
From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower,
Cry, as the wild light passes along,--
"The Dong! the Dong!
The wandering Dong through the forest goes!
The Dong! the Dong!
The Dong with a luminous Nose! "

Long years ago
The Dong was happy and gay,
Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl
Who came to those shores one day.
For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,--
Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd
Where the Oblong Oysters grow,
And the rocks are smooth and gray.
And all the woods and the valleys rang
With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,--
"_Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,
And they went to sea in a sieve. _"

Happily, happily passed those days!
While the cheerful Jumblies staid;
They danced in circlets all night long,
To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong,
In moonlight, shine, or shade.
For day and night he was always there
By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair,
With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair;
Till the morning came of that hateful day
When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away,
And the Dong was left on the cruel shore
Gazing, gazing for evermore,--
Ever keeping his weary eyes on
That pea-green sail on the far horizon,--
Singing the Jumbly Chorus still
As he sate all day on the grassy hill,--
"_Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,
And they went to sea in a sieve_. "

But when the sun was low in the West,
The Dong arose and said,--
"What little sense I once possessed
Has quite gone out of my head! "
And since that day he wanders still
By lake and forest, marsh and hill,
Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain,
Might I find my Jumbly Girl again!
For ever I'll seek by lake and shore
Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more! "

Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks,
Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks;
And because by night he could not see,
He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree
On the flowery plain that grows.
And he wove him a wondrous Nose,--
A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!

Of vast proportions and painted red,
And tied with cords to the back of his head.
In a hollow rounded space it ended
With a luminous Lamp within suspended,
All fenced about
With a bandage stout
To prevent the wind from blowing it out;
And with holes all round to send the light
In gleaming rays on the dismal night

And now each night, and all night long,
Over those plains still roams the Dong;
And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe
You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe,
While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain,
To meet with his Jumbly Girl again;
Lonely and wild, all night he goes,--
The Dong with a luminous Nose!
And all who watch at the midnight hour,
From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower,
Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright,
Moving along through the dreary night,--
"This is the hour when forth he goes,
The Dong with a luminous Nose!
Yonder, over the plain he goes,--
He goes!
He goes,--
The Dong with a luminous Nose! "




THE TWO OLD BACHELORS.

[Illustration]

Two old Bachelors were living in one house;
One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse.
Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,--
"This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house,
Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey,
And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money?
And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner,
But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner? "

Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,--
"We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'!
If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well;
But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell! "

Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town
And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down;
They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found
In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.

But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north,
And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth;
And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,--
An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page.
Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,--
And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits!
Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),--
When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps. "

Those two old Bachelors without loss of time
The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb;
And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook,
They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book.

"You earnest Sage! " aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in!
We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'! "

But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book,
At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took;
And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,--
At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town;
And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want
of Stuffin'),
The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.

They left their home in silence by the once convivial door;
And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.


[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Pelicans]


[Illustration]


THE PELICAN CHORUS.

King and Queen of the Pelicans we;
No other Birds so grand we see!
None but we have feet like fins!
With lovely leathery throats and chins!
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still

We live on the Nile. The Nile we love.
By night we sleep on the cliffs above;
By day we fish, and at eve we stand
On long bare islands of yellow sand.
And when the sun sinks slowly down,
And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,

Where the purple river rolls fast and dim
And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim,
Wing to wing we dance around,
Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound,
Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought;
And this is the song we nightly snort,--
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

Last year came out our Daughter Dell,
And all the Birds received her well.
To do her honor a feast we made
For every bird that can swim or wade,--
Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black,
Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back,
Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds,
Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds:
Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight!
They ate and drank and danced all night,
And echoing back from the rocks you heard
Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,--
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

Yes, they came; and among the rest
The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed.
Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float
Between the ends of his blue dress-coat;
With pea-green trowsers all so neat,
And a delicate frill to hide his feet
(For though no one speaks of it, every one knows
He has got no webs between his toes).

As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell,
In violent love that Crane King fell,--
On seeing her waddling form so fair,
With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair.
And before the end of the next long day
Our Dell had given her heart away;
For the King of the Cranes had won that heart
With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart.
She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes,
Leaving the Nile for stranger plains;
And away they flew in a gathering crowd
Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud.
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

And far away in the twilight sky
We heard them singing a lessening cry,--
Farther and farther, till out of sight,
And we stood alone in the silent night!
Often since, in the nights of June,
We sit on the sand and watch the moon,--

She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain,
And we probably never shall meet again!
Oft, in the long still nights of June,
We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,--
She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore.
And we probably never shall see her more.
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

[NOTE. --The Air of this and the following Song by Edward Lear; the
Arrangement for the Piano by Professor Pome, of San Remo, Italy. ]




[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Yonghy Bonghy Bo]



THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO.

[Illustration]

I.

On the Coast of Coromandel
Where the early pumpkins blow,
In the middle of the woods
Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
Two old chairs, and half a candle,
One old jug without a handle,--
These were all his worldly goods:
In the middle of the woods,
These were all the worldly goods
Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bo.


II.

Once, among the Bong-trees walking
Where the early pumpkins blow,
To a little heap of stones
Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
There he heard a Lady talking,
To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,--
"'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones!
On that little heap of stones
Sits the Lady Jingly Jones! "
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.


III.

"Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly!
Sitting where the pumpkins blow,
Will you come and be my wife? "
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
"I am tired of living singly--
On this coast so wild and shingly,--
I'm a-weary of my life;
If you'll come and be my wife,
Quite serene would be my life! "
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.


IV.

"On this Coast of Coromandel
Shrimps and watercresses grow,
Prawns are plentiful and cheap,"
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
"You shall have my chairs and candle,
And my jug without a handle!
Gaze upon the rolling deep
(Fish is plentiful and cheap);
As the sea, my love is deep! "
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.


V.

Lady Jingly answered sadly,
And her tears began to flow,--
"Your proposal comes too late,
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!
I would be your wife most gladly! "
(Here she twirled her fingers madly,)
"But in England I've a mate!
Yes! you've asked me far too late,
For in England I've a mate,
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!


VI.

"Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,--
Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co. )
Dorking fowls delights to send,
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!
Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle,
And your jug without a handle,--
I can merely be your friend!
Should my Jones more Dorkings send,
I will give you three, my friend!
Mr. Yonghy-Bongy-Bo!
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!


VII.

"Though you've such a tiny body,
And your head so large doth grow,--
Though your hat may blow away,
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!
Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy,
Yet I wish that I could modi-
fy the words I needs must say!
Will you please to go away?
That is all I have to say,
Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bo!
Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! "


VIII.

Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle,
Where the early pumpkins blow,
To the calm and silent sea
Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle,
Lay a large and lively Turtle.
"You're the Cove," he said, "for me;
On your back beyond the sea,
Turtle, you shall carry me! "
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.

[Illustration]


IX.

Through the silent-roaring ocean
Did the Turtle swiftly go;
Holding fast upon his shell
Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
With a sad primaeval motion
Towards the sunset isles of Boshen
Still the Turtle bore him well.
Holding fast upon his shell,
"Lady Jingly Jones, farewell! "
Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.


X.

From the Coast of Coromandel
Did that Lady never go;
On that heap of stones she mourns
For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.
On that Coast of Coromandel,
In his jug without a handle
Still she weeps, and daily moans;
On that little heap of stones
To her Dorking Hens she moans,
For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.




THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES.

[Illustration]

I.

The Pobble who has no toes
Had once as many as we;
When they said, "Some day you may lose them all;"
He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee! "
And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink
Lavender water tinged with pink;
For she said, "The World in general knows
There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes! "


II.

The Pobble who has no toes,
Swam across the Bristol Channel;
But before he set out he wrapped his nose
In a piece of scarlet flannel.
For his Aunt Jobiska said, "No harm
Can come to his toes if his nose is warm;
And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes
Are safe--provided he minds his nose. "


III.

The Pobble swam fast and well,
And when boats or ships came near him,
He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell
So that all the world could hear him.
And all the Sailors and Admirals cried,
When they saw him nearing the further side,--
"He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's
Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers! "


IV.

But before he touched the shore,--
The shore of the Bristol Channel,
A sea-green Porpoise carried away
His wrapper of scarlet flannel.
And when he came to observe his feet,
Formerly garnished with toes so neat,
His face at once became forlorn
On perceiving that all his toes were gone!


V.

And nobody ever knew,
From that dark day to the present,
Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes,
In a manner so far from pleasant.
Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray,
Or crafty Mermaids stole them away,
Nobody knew; and nobody knows
How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes!


VI.

The Pobble who has no toes
Was placed in a friendly Bark,
And they rowed him back, and carried him up
To his Aunt Jobiska's Park.
And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish,
Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish;
And she said, "It's a fact the whole world knows,
That Pobbles are happier without their toes. "




THE NEW VESTMENTS.

There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess,
Who invented a purely original dress;
And when it was perfectly made and complete,
He opened the door and walked into the street.

By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread,
In the middle of which he inserted his head;
His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice,
The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice;
His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes;
His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose;
His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops;
His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops;
His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border,
And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order;
And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather,
A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together.

He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise,
Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys;
And from every long street and dark lane in the town
Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down.
Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak;
Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke;
Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat,
And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat;
An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his
Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies;
And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops,
Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops.
He tried to run back to his house, but in vain,
For scores of fat Pigs came again and again:
They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors;
They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers;
And now from the housetops with screechings descend
Striped, spotted, white, black, and gray Cats without end:
They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat,
When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that;
They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice,
And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice;
They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,--
Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all.

And he said to himself, as he bolted the door,
"I will not wear a similar dress any more,
Any more, any more, any more, never more! "




MR. AND MRS.