-
――――
Acres Pickled!
――――
Acres Pickled!
Warner - World's Best Literature - v21 to v25 - Rab to Tur
Malaprop―There's a little intricate hussy for you!
Sir Anthony-It is not to be wondered at, ma'am: all this
is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a
thousand daughters, by heaven I'd as soon have them taught
the black art as their alphabet!
Mrs. Malaprop-Nay, nay, Sir Anthony: you are an absolute
misanthropy.
Sir Anthony-In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed
your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library! She
had a book in each hand; they were half-bound volumes with
marble covers! From that moment I guessed how full of duty
I should see her mistress!
Mrs. Malaprop-Those are vile places indeed!
Sir Anthony-Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an
evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge,―it blossoms through the
year! And depend on it, Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so
fond of handling the leaves will long for the fruit at last.
Mrs. Malaprop-Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak la-
conically.
Sir Anthony-Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what
would you have a woman know?
Mrs. Malaprop-Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no
means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I
## p. 13323 (#129) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13323
don't think so much learning becomes a young woman: for in-
stance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or
algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory
branches of learning; neither would it be necessary for her to
handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instru-
ments. But, Sir Anthony, I would send her at nine years old to
a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice.
Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;
and as she grew up I would have her instructed in geometry,
that she might know something of the contagious countries: but
above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that
she might not misspell and mispronounce words so shamefully as
girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the true
meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I
would have a woman know; and I don't think there is a super-
stitious article in it.
Sir Anthony-Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the
point no further with you; though I must confess that you are
a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word
you say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to
the more important point in debate: you say you have no objec-
tion to my proposal?
Mrs. Malaprop — None, I assure you. I am under no positive
engagement with Mr. Acres; and as Lydia is so obstinate against
him, perhaps your son may have better success.
Sir Anthony-Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly.
He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some
time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his
regiment.
Mrs. Malaprop - We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony;
but I hope no objection on his side.
Sir Anthony-Objection! let him object if he dare! No, no,
Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a
frenzy directly. My process was always very simple: in their
younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this"; if he demurred I knocked
him down, and if he grumbled at that I always sent him out of
the room.
Mrs. Malaprop-Ay, and the properest way, o' my con-
science! Nothing is so conciliating to young people as sever-
ity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and
## p. 13324 (#130) ##########################################
13324
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; and I hope you
will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether
illegible.
Sir Anthony-Madam, I will handle the subject prudently.
Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to
enforce this matter roundly to the girl. Take my advice — keep
a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and
key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her
dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come
about.
[Exit.
Mrs. Malaprop - Well, at any rate I shall be glad to get her
from under my intuition. She has somehow discovered my par-
tiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger: sure, Lucy can't have betrayed
me! No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her
confess it. [Calls. ] Lucy! Lucy! Had she been one of your
artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.
SIR LUCIUS DICTATES A CARTEL
From the Rivals'
The scene is Bob Acres's lodgings at Bath. Acres is discovered as his
servant shows in Sir Lucius.
SIR
IR LUCIUS-Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.
Acres - My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.
Sir Lucius-Pray, my friend, what has brought you so
suddenly to Bath?
Acres - Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and
find myself in a quagmire at last. In short, I have been very
ill used, Sir Lucius. I don't choose to mention names, but look
on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.
Sir Lucius - Pray, what is the case? I ask no names.
Acres - Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in
love with a young lady: her friends take my part-I follow her
to Bath-send word of my arrival; and receive answer that the
lady is to be otherwise disposed of. This, Sir Lucius, I call
being ill used.
Sir Lucius- Very ill, upon my conscience.
divine the cause of it?
Pray, can you
## p. 13325 (#131) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13325
Acres - Why, there's the matter: she has another lover, one
Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath. Odds slanders and
lies! he must be at the bottom of it.
Sir Lucius - A rival in the case, is there? and you think he
has supplanted you unfairly?
Acres - Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have
done it fairly.
Sir Lucius-Then sure you know what is to be done!
Acres Not I, upon my soul.
Sir Lucius-We wear no swords here, but you understand me.
Acres-What! fight him?
Sir Lucius-Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?
Acres But he has given me no provocation.
Sir Lucius-Now, I think he has given you the greatest prov-
ocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offense
against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh,
by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.
Acres - Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaint-
ance with this man. I never saw him in my life.
Sir Lucius-That's no argument at all: he has the less right
then to take such a liberty.
Acres Gad, that's true. I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!
I fire apace!
Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a
deal of valor in him and not know it! But couldn't I contrive
to have a little right on my side?
Sir Lucius - What the devil signifies right, when your honor
is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the
Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul: they
drew their broadswords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle
the justice of it.
――――
-
Acres - Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart: I
believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of
valor rising, as it were,-
a kind of courage, as I may say. Odds
flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.
Sir Lucius - Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall
here, I could show you a range of ancestry in the O'Trigger
line that would furnish the new room, every one of whom had
killed his man! For though the mansion-house and dirty acres
have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honor and
the family pictures are as fresh as ever.
――――
## p. 13326 (#132) ##########################################
13326
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Acres O Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! every man
of 'em colonel or captain in the militia! Odds balls and barrels!
say no more I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words
has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast.
as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds.
Zounds!
Sir Lucius-Come, come, there must be no passion at all in
the case: these things should always be done civilly.
Acres-I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius,-I must be in a
rage. Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me.
Come, here's pen and paper. [Sits down to write. ] I would the
ink were red! Indite, I say indite! How shall I begin? Odds
bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.
Sir Lucius-Pray compose yourself.
Acres -Come, now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir
Lucius, let me begin with a "damme. "
Sir Lucius-Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a
Christian. Begin now. "Sir-»
Acres-That's too civil by half.
>>>
Sir Lucius-"To prevent the confusion that might arise -
Acres - Well-
---
Sir Lucius- "From our both addressing the same lady-
Acres-Ay, there's the reason same lady": well-
Sir Lucius "I shall expect the honor of your company —
Acres - Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.
Sir Lucius - Pray be easy.
>
Acres - Well then, "honor of your company-»
Sir Lucius-"To settle our pretensions-"
Acres-Well-
Sir Lucius-Let me see: ay, King's-Mead Fields will do—“in
King's-Mead Fields. "
Acres So, that's done. Well, I'll fold it up presently; my
a hand and a dagger-shall be the seal.
own crest-
Sir Lucius - You see how this little explanation will put a
stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might
arise between you.
Acres - Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.
Sir Lucius Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. Take
my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let
the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow.
Acres - Very true.
――――
-
## p. 13327 (#133) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13327
Sir Lucius - So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it
be by letter, till the evening. I would do myself the honor to
carry your message; but to tell you a secret, I believe I shall
have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay
captain here, who put a jest on me lately at the expense of my
country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman to call
him out.
Acres - By my valor, I should like to see you fight first!
Odds life! I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to
get a little lesson.
Sir Lucius - I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well,
for the present- but remember now, when you meet your antag-
onist, do everything in a mild and agreeable manner.
Let your
courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your
sword.
[Exeunt severally.
Α
From the 'Rivals'
Scene: King's-Mead Fields, Bath. Enter Sir Lucius O'Trigger and Acres
with pistols.
CRES
―
By my valor! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good
distance. Odds levels and aims! I say it is a good dis-
THE DUEL
—
tance.
Upon
Sir Lucius Is it for muskets or small field-pieces?
my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me.
Stay now I'll show you. [Measures paces along the stage. ]
There now, that is a very pretty distance-a pretty gentleman's
distance.
Acres-Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I
tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take
my aim.
――――
Sir Lucius - Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him
best of all if he was out of sight!
Acres - No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-
and-thirty yards-
Sir Lucius
Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between
the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.
Acres Odds bullets, no! - by my valor! there is no merit
in killing him so near: do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring
## p. 13328 (#134) ##########################################
13328
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
him down at a long shot; -a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love
me!
Sir Lucius - Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle
that. But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is
there any little will or com
ommission I could execute for you?
Acres I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius, but I don't
understand -
Sir Lucius-Why, you may think there's no being shot at
without a little risk; and if an unlucky bullet should carry a
quietus with it—I say it will be no time then to be bothering
you about family matters.
Acres A quietus!
Sir Lucius - For instance, now-if that should be the case
would you choose to be pickled and sent home? or would it be
the same to you to lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is
very snug lying in the Abbey.
-
――――
Acres Pickled! Snug lying in the Abbey! Odds tremors!
Sir Lucius, don't talk so!
Sir Lucius-I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged
in an affair of this kind before?
Acres No, Sir Lucius, never before.
Sir Lucius-Ah! that's a pity! - there's nothing like being
used to a thing. Pray now, how would you receive the gentle-
man's shot?
-
-
Acres Odds files! I've practiced that-there, Sir Lucius —
there. [Puts himself in an attitude. ] A side-front, hey? Odd!
I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways.
Acres - - But
-
Sir Lucius - Now you're quite out; for if you stand so when
I take my aim—
[Leveling at him.
Acres Zounds! Sir Lucius - are you sure it is not cocked?
Sir Lucius-Never fear.
but you don't know
own head!
――
-
――――――
-
-
it may go off of its
Sir Lucius - Pho! be easy. Well, now, if I hit you in the
body, my bullet has a double chance: for if it misses a vital
part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on
the left!
Acres A vital part!
Sir Lucius-But there-fix yourself so: [placing him] let him
see the broad-side of your full front there now a ball or two
may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.
_______
## p. 13329 (#135) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13329
Acres Clean through me! a ball or two clean through me!
Sir Lucius - Ay, may they; and it is much the genteelest atti-
tude into the bargain.
―
Acres Look'ee! Sir Lucius I'd just as lieve be shot in an
awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valor! I will stand
edgeways.
Sir Lucius [looking at his watch] - Sure they don't mean to
disappoint us-hah! -no, faith, I think I see them coming.
Acres Hey! — what! - coming!
Sir Lucius-Ay. Who are those
Who are those yonder getting over the
stile?
―――
-
-
we- we
we-we-won't run.
Acres - There are two of them indeed! Well-let them come
- hey, Sir Lucius! -
Sir Lucius-Run!
Acres - No-I say we won't run, by my valor!
Sir Lucius- What the devil's the matter with you?
Acres Nothing-nothing-my dear friend- my dear Sir
Lucius — but—I—I—I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I
did.
―――
―――――
XXIII-834
-
Sir Lucius-O fie! Consider your honor.
Acres - Ay
word or two every now and then about my honor.
Sir Lucius-Well, here they're coming.
[Looking.
Acres - Sir Lucius - if I wa'n't with you, I should almost
think I was afraid. If my valor should leave me! Valor will
come and go.
―――――
――――――
true- my honor. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a
Sir Lucius-Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.
――――
Acres - Sir Lucius I doubt it is going-yes- my valor is
certainly going! It is sneaking off! I feel it oozing out as it
were at the palms of my hands!
Sir Lucius- Your honor-your honor! Here they are.
-
Acres O mercy! now that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or
. could be shot before I was aware!
Enter Faulkland and Captain Absolute
Hah! - what,
Sir Lucius Gentlemen, your most obedient.
Captain Absolute! So I suppose, sir, you are come here just
like myself to do a kind office, first for your friend, then to pro-
ceed to business on your own account.
Acres-What-Jack! -my dear Jack! - my dear friend!
――――――――
―――
-
## p. 13330 (#136) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13330
Absolute-Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.
Sir Lucius- Well, Mr. Acres I don't blame your saluting
the gentleman civilly. [To Faulkland. ] So, Mr. Beverley, if
you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the
ground.
Faulkland-My weapons, sir!
Acres Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr.
Faulkland: these are my particular friends.
Sir Lucius - What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr.
Acres?
―――――
Faulkland-Not I, upon my word, sir.
Sir Lucius-Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope,
Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the
game, you won't be so cantankerous as to spoil the party by
sitting out.
Absolute-Oh pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.
Faulkland-Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter-
Acres No, no, Mr. Faulkland: I'll bear my disappointment
like a Christian. - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all
for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it
alone.
-
Sir Lucius-Observe me, Mr. Acres I must not be trifled
with. You have certainly challenged somebody, and you came
here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to repre-
sent him I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same
thing.
-
――――
Acres - Why, no, Sir Lucius: I tell you 'tis one Beverley I've
challenged a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! If
he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly!
Absolute - Hold, Bob-let me set you right: there is no such
man as Beverley in the case. The person who assumed that
name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both
characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you
please.
Sir Lucius-Well, this is lucky. Now you have an oppor-
tunity-
Acres - What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?
Not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds, Sir Lucius, you would
not have me so unnatural!
Sir Lucius-Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valor has
oozed away with a vengeance!
## p. 13331 (#137) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13331
Odds backs and abettors! I'll be
Acres Not in the least!
your second with all my heart; and if you should get a quietus,
you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the
Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss
Hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir Lucius Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
Acres - Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was
the word, by my valor!
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word cow-
ard - coward may be said in joke. But if you had called me a
poltroon, odds daggers and balls! -
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir Lucius
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
Absolute - Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second
than my friend Acres. He is a most determined dog — called in
the country, Fighting Bob. He generally kills a man a week—
don't you, Bob?
―――――
-
-
Acres Ayat home!
Sir Lucius - Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin; so come
out, my little counselor, [draws his sword] and ask the gentle-
man whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to
proceed against him?
Absolute - Come on then, sir: [draws] since you won't let it
be an amicable suit, here's my reply.
Enter Sir Anthony Absolute, David, Mrs. Malaprop, Lydia, and Julia
David-Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony: knock down
my master in particular, and bind his hands over to their good
behavior!
Sir Anthony-Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy:
how came you in a duel, sir?
Absolute Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better thar
I: 'twas he called on me,- and you know, sir, I serve his Maj-
esty.
-
Sir Anthony-Here's a pretty fellow: I catch him going to cut
a man's throat, and he tells me he serves his Majesty! Zounds,
sirrah! then how durst you draw the King's sword against one of
his subjects?
## p. 13332 (#138) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13332
Absolute-Sir, I tell you that gentleman called me out, with-
out explaining his reasons.
Sir Anthony-Gad, sir! how came you to call my son out,
without explaining your reasons?
Sir Lucius Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which
my honor could not brook.
Sir Anthony-Zounds, Jack! how durst you insult the gentle-
man in a manner which his honor could not brook?
Mrs. Malaprop-Come, come, let's have no honor before
ladies. Captain Absolute, come here: How could you intimidate
-
us so? Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.
Absolute For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?
Mrs. Malaprop - Nay, no delusions to the past: Lydia is con-
vinced. Speak, child.
Sir Lucius - With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word
here: I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence. Now
mark
Lydia
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir Lucius - Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now:
this is no time for trifling.
Lydia 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this
gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.
Absolute-O my little angel, say you so! Sir Lucius, I per-
ceive there must be some mistake here with regard to the affront
which you affirm I have given you. I can only say that it could
not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced that
I should not fear to support a real injury, you shall now see that
I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency: I ask your par-
don. But for this lady, while honored with her approbation, I
will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir Anthony-Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.
Acres - Mind, I give up all my claim- I make no pretensions
to anything in the world; and if I can't get a wife without
fighting for her,- by my valor! I'll live a bachelor.
Sir Lucius-Captain, give me your hand: an affront hand-
somely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady,
if she chooses to deny her own handwriting, here—
-――――
―――
-
-
-
[Takes out letters.
Mrs. Malaprop- Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! - Sir
Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake-perhaps I can illumi-
nate
## p. 13333 (#139) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13333
Sir Lucius - Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you
have no business. Miss Languish, are you my Delia or not?
Lydia - Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with
Captain Absolute. ]
Mrs. Malaprop - Sir Lucius O'Trigger - ungrateful as you
are, I own the soft impeachment-pardon my blushes; I am
Delia.
Sir Lucius- You Delia! -pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. Malaprop-Why, thou barbarous Vandyke! those letters
are mine. When you are more sensible of my benignity, per-
haps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.
Sir Lucius-Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your
condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on
me, I am equally beholden to you. And to show you I am not
ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady
from me I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.
Absolute I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's
my friend Fighting Bob unprovided for.
Sir Lucius-Hah! little Valor-here, will you make your for-
tune?
Acres Odds wrinkles! No. But give me your hand, Sir
Lucius; forget and forgive: but if ever I give you a chance of
pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.
Sir Anthony-Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down: you
are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. Malaprop-O Sir Anthony, men are all barbarians.
-
THE SCANDAL CLASS MEETS
From the School for Scandal'
Scene: A room in Lady Sneerwell's house. Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour,
Crabtree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and Joseph Surface discovered.
ADY SNEER WELL-Nay, positively we will hear it.
Sir Anthony-It is not to be wondered at, ma'am: all this
is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a
thousand daughters, by heaven I'd as soon have them taught
the black art as their alphabet!
Mrs. Malaprop-Nay, nay, Sir Anthony: you are an absolute
misanthropy.
Sir Anthony-In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed
your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library! She
had a book in each hand; they were half-bound volumes with
marble covers! From that moment I guessed how full of duty
I should see her mistress!
Mrs. Malaprop-Those are vile places indeed!
Sir Anthony-Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an
evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge,―it blossoms through the
year! And depend on it, Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so
fond of handling the leaves will long for the fruit at last.
Mrs. Malaprop-Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak la-
conically.
Sir Anthony-Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what
would you have a woman know?
Mrs. Malaprop-Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no
means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I
## p. 13323 (#129) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13323
don't think so much learning becomes a young woman: for in-
stance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or
algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory
branches of learning; neither would it be necessary for her to
handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instru-
ments. But, Sir Anthony, I would send her at nine years old to
a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice.
Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;
and as she grew up I would have her instructed in geometry,
that she might know something of the contagious countries: but
above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that
she might not misspell and mispronounce words so shamefully as
girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the true
meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I
would have a woman know; and I don't think there is a super-
stitious article in it.
Sir Anthony-Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the
point no further with you; though I must confess that you are
a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word
you say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to
the more important point in debate: you say you have no objec-
tion to my proposal?
Mrs. Malaprop — None, I assure you. I am under no positive
engagement with Mr. Acres; and as Lydia is so obstinate against
him, perhaps your son may have better success.
Sir Anthony-Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly.
He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some
time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his
regiment.
Mrs. Malaprop - We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony;
but I hope no objection on his side.
Sir Anthony-Objection! let him object if he dare! No, no,
Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a
frenzy directly. My process was always very simple: in their
younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this"; if he demurred I knocked
him down, and if he grumbled at that I always sent him out of
the room.
Mrs. Malaprop-Ay, and the properest way, o' my con-
science! Nothing is so conciliating to young people as sever-
ity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and
## p. 13324 (#130) ##########################################
13324
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; and I hope you
will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether
illegible.
Sir Anthony-Madam, I will handle the subject prudently.
Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to
enforce this matter roundly to the girl. Take my advice — keep
a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and
key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her
dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come
about.
[Exit.
Mrs. Malaprop - Well, at any rate I shall be glad to get her
from under my intuition. She has somehow discovered my par-
tiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger: sure, Lucy can't have betrayed
me! No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her
confess it. [Calls. ] Lucy! Lucy! Had she been one of your
artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.
SIR LUCIUS DICTATES A CARTEL
From the Rivals'
The scene is Bob Acres's lodgings at Bath. Acres is discovered as his
servant shows in Sir Lucius.
SIR
IR LUCIUS-Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.
Acres - My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.
Sir Lucius-Pray, my friend, what has brought you so
suddenly to Bath?
Acres - Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and
find myself in a quagmire at last. In short, I have been very
ill used, Sir Lucius. I don't choose to mention names, but look
on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.
Sir Lucius - Pray, what is the case? I ask no names.
Acres - Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in
love with a young lady: her friends take my part-I follow her
to Bath-send word of my arrival; and receive answer that the
lady is to be otherwise disposed of. This, Sir Lucius, I call
being ill used.
Sir Lucius- Very ill, upon my conscience.
divine the cause of it?
Pray, can you
## p. 13325 (#131) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13325
Acres - Why, there's the matter: she has another lover, one
Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath. Odds slanders and
lies! he must be at the bottom of it.
Sir Lucius - A rival in the case, is there? and you think he
has supplanted you unfairly?
Acres - Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have
done it fairly.
Sir Lucius-Then sure you know what is to be done!
Acres Not I, upon my soul.
Sir Lucius-We wear no swords here, but you understand me.
Acres-What! fight him?
Sir Lucius-Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?
Acres But he has given me no provocation.
Sir Lucius-Now, I think he has given you the greatest prov-
ocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offense
against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh,
by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.
Acres - Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaint-
ance with this man. I never saw him in my life.
Sir Lucius-That's no argument at all: he has the less right
then to take such a liberty.
Acres Gad, that's true. I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!
I fire apace!
Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a
deal of valor in him and not know it! But couldn't I contrive
to have a little right on my side?
Sir Lucius - What the devil signifies right, when your honor
is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the
Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul: they
drew their broadswords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle
the justice of it.
――――
-
Acres - Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart: I
believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of
valor rising, as it were,-
a kind of courage, as I may say. Odds
flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.
Sir Lucius - Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall
here, I could show you a range of ancestry in the O'Trigger
line that would furnish the new room, every one of whom had
killed his man! For though the mansion-house and dirty acres
have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honor and
the family pictures are as fresh as ever.
――――
## p. 13326 (#132) ##########################################
13326
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Acres O Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! every man
of 'em colonel or captain in the militia! Odds balls and barrels!
say no more I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words
has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast.
as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds.
Zounds!
Sir Lucius-Come, come, there must be no passion at all in
the case: these things should always be done civilly.
Acres-I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius,-I must be in a
rage. Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me.
Come, here's pen and paper. [Sits down to write. ] I would the
ink were red! Indite, I say indite! How shall I begin? Odds
bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.
Sir Lucius-Pray compose yourself.
Acres -Come, now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir
Lucius, let me begin with a "damme. "
Sir Lucius-Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a
Christian. Begin now. "Sir-»
Acres-That's too civil by half.
>>>
Sir Lucius-"To prevent the confusion that might arise -
Acres - Well-
---
Sir Lucius- "From our both addressing the same lady-
Acres-Ay, there's the reason same lady": well-
Sir Lucius "I shall expect the honor of your company —
Acres - Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.
Sir Lucius - Pray be easy.
>
Acres - Well then, "honor of your company-»
Sir Lucius-"To settle our pretensions-"
Acres-Well-
Sir Lucius-Let me see: ay, King's-Mead Fields will do—“in
King's-Mead Fields. "
Acres So, that's done. Well, I'll fold it up presently; my
a hand and a dagger-shall be the seal.
own crest-
Sir Lucius - You see how this little explanation will put a
stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might
arise between you.
Acres - Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.
Sir Lucius Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. Take
my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let
the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow.
Acres - Very true.
――――
-
## p. 13327 (#133) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13327
Sir Lucius - So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it
be by letter, till the evening. I would do myself the honor to
carry your message; but to tell you a secret, I believe I shall
have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay
captain here, who put a jest on me lately at the expense of my
country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman to call
him out.
Acres - By my valor, I should like to see you fight first!
Odds life! I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to
get a little lesson.
Sir Lucius - I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well,
for the present- but remember now, when you meet your antag-
onist, do everything in a mild and agreeable manner.
Let your
courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your
sword.
[Exeunt severally.
Α
From the 'Rivals'
Scene: King's-Mead Fields, Bath. Enter Sir Lucius O'Trigger and Acres
with pistols.
CRES
―
By my valor! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good
distance. Odds levels and aims! I say it is a good dis-
THE DUEL
—
tance.
Upon
Sir Lucius Is it for muskets or small field-pieces?
my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me.
Stay now I'll show you. [Measures paces along the stage. ]
There now, that is a very pretty distance-a pretty gentleman's
distance.
Acres-Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I
tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take
my aim.
――――
Sir Lucius - Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him
best of all if he was out of sight!
Acres - No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-
and-thirty yards-
Sir Lucius
Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between
the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.
Acres Odds bullets, no! - by my valor! there is no merit
in killing him so near: do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring
## p. 13328 (#134) ##########################################
13328
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
him down at a long shot; -a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love
me!
Sir Lucius - Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle
that. But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is
there any little will or com
ommission I could execute for you?
Acres I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius, but I don't
understand -
Sir Lucius-Why, you may think there's no being shot at
without a little risk; and if an unlucky bullet should carry a
quietus with it—I say it will be no time then to be bothering
you about family matters.
Acres A quietus!
Sir Lucius - For instance, now-if that should be the case
would you choose to be pickled and sent home? or would it be
the same to you to lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is
very snug lying in the Abbey.
-
――――
Acres Pickled! Snug lying in the Abbey! Odds tremors!
Sir Lucius, don't talk so!
Sir Lucius-I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged
in an affair of this kind before?
Acres No, Sir Lucius, never before.
Sir Lucius-Ah! that's a pity! - there's nothing like being
used to a thing. Pray now, how would you receive the gentle-
man's shot?
-
-
Acres Odds files! I've practiced that-there, Sir Lucius —
there. [Puts himself in an attitude. ] A side-front, hey? Odd!
I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways.
Acres - - But
-
Sir Lucius - Now you're quite out; for if you stand so when
I take my aim—
[Leveling at him.
Acres Zounds! Sir Lucius - are you sure it is not cocked?
Sir Lucius-Never fear.
but you don't know
own head!
――
-
――――――
-
-
it may go off of its
Sir Lucius - Pho! be easy. Well, now, if I hit you in the
body, my bullet has a double chance: for if it misses a vital
part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on
the left!
Acres A vital part!
Sir Lucius-But there-fix yourself so: [placing him] let him
see the broad-side of your full front there now a ball or two
may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.
_______
## p. 13329 (#135) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13329
Acres Clean through me! a ball or two clean through me!
Sir Lucius - Ay, may they; and it is much the genteelest atti-
tude into the bargain.
―
Acres Look'ee! Sir Lucius I'd just as lieve be shot in an
awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valor! I will stand
edgeways.
Sir Lucius [looking at his watch] - Sure they don't mean to
disappoint us-hah! -no, faith, I think I see them coming.
Acres Hey! — what! - coming!
Sir Lucius-Ay. Who are those
Who are those yonder getting over the
stile?
―――
-
-
we- we
we-we-won't run.
Acres - There are two of them indeed! Well-let them come
- hey, Sir Lucius! -
Sir Lucius-Run!
Acres - No-I say we won't run, by my valor!
Sir Lucius- What the devil's the matter with you?
Acres Nothing-nothing-my dear friend- my dear Sir
Lucius — but—I—I—I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I
did.
―――
―――――
XXIII-834
-
Sir Lucius-O fie! Consider your honor.
Acres - Ay
word or two every now and then about my honor.
Sir Lucius-Well, here they're coming.
[Looking.
Acres - Sir Lucius - if I wa'n't with you, I should almost
think I was afraid. If my valor should leave me! Valor will
come and go.
―――――
――――――
true- my honor. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a
Sir Lucius-Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.
――――
Acres - Sir Lucius I doubt it is going-yes- my valor is
certainly going! It is sneaking off! I feel it oozing out as it
were at the palms of my hands!
Sir Lucius- Your honor-your honor! Here they are.
-
Acres O mercy! now that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or
. could be shot before I was aware!
Enter Faulkland and Captain Absolute
Hah! - what,
Sir Lucius Gentlemen, your most obedient.
Captain Absolute! So I suppose, sir, you are come here just
like myself to do a kind office, first for your friend, then to pro-
ceed to business on your own account.
Acres-What-Jack! -my dear Jack! - my dear friend!
――――――――
―――
-
## p. 13330 (#136) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13330
Absolute-Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.
Sir Lucius- Well, Mr. Acres I don't blame your saluting
the gentleman civilly. [To Faulkland. ] So, Mr. Beverley, if
you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the
ground.
Faulkland-My weapons, sir!
Acres Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr.
Faulkland: these are my particular friends.
Sir Lucius - What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr.
Acres?
―――――
Faulkland-Not I, upon my word, sir.
Sir Lucius-Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope,
Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the
game, you won't be so cantankerous as to spoil the party by
sitting out.
Absolute-Oh pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.
Faulkland-Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter-
Acres No, no, Mr. Faulkland: I'll bear my disappointment
like a Christian. - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all
for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it
alone.
-
Sir Lucius-Observe me, Mr. Acres I must not be trifled
with. You have certainly challenged somebody, and you came
here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to repre-
sent him I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same
thing.
-
――――
Acres - Why, no, Sir Lucius: I tell you 'tis one Beverley I've
challenged a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! If
he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly!
Absolute - Hold, Bob-let me set you right: there is no such
man as Beverley in the case. The person who assumed that
name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both
characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you
please.
Sir Lucius-Well, this is lucky. Now you have an oppor-
tunity-
Acres - What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?
Not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds, Sir Lucius, you would
not have me so unnatural!
Sir Lucius-Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valor has
oozed away with a vengeance!
## p. 13331 (#137) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13331
Odds backs and abettors! I'll be
Acres Not in the least!
your second with all my heart; and if you should get a quietus,
you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the
Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss
Hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir Lucius Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
Acres - Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was
the word, by my valor!
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word cow-
ard - coward may be said in joke. But if you had called me a
poltroon, odds daggers and balls! -
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir Lucius
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
Absolute - Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second
than my friend Acres. He is a most determined dog — called in
the country, Fighting Bob. He generally kills a man a week—
don't you, Bob?
―――――
-
-
Acres Ayat home!
Sir Lucius - Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin; so come
out, my little counselor, [draws his sword] and ask the gentle-
man whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to
proceed against him?
Absolute - Come on then, sir: [draws] since you won't let it
be an amicable suit, here's my reply.
Enter Sir Anthony Absolute, David, Mrs. Malaprop, Lydia, and Julia
David-Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony: knock down
my master in particular, and bind his hands over to their good
behavior!
Sir Anthony-Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy:
how came you in a duel, sir?
Absolute Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better thar
I: 'twas he called on me,- and you know, sir, I serve his Maj-
esty.
-
Sir Anthony-Here's a pretty fellow: I catch him going to cut
a man's throat, and he tells me he serves his Majesty! Zounds,
sirrah! then how durst you draw the King's sword against one of
his subjects?
## p. 13332 (#138) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13332
Absolute-Sir, I tell you that gentleman called me out, with-
out explaining his reasons.
Sir Anthony-Gad, sir! how came you to call my son out,
without explaining your reasons?
Sir Lucius Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which
my honor could not brook.
Sir Anthony-Zounds, Jack! how durst you insult the gentle-
man in a manner which his honor could not brook?
Mrs. Malaprop-Come, come, let's have no honor before
ladies. Captain Absolute, come here: How could you intimidate
-
us so? Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.
Absolute For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?
Mrs. Malaprop - Nay, no delusions to the past: Lydia is con-
vinced. Speak, child.
Sir Lucius - With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word
here: I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence. Now
mark
Lydia
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir Lucius - Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now:
this is no time for trifling.
Lydia 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this
gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.
Absolute-O my little angel, say you so! Sir Lucius, I per-
ceive there must be some mistake here with regard to the affront
which you affirm I have given you. I can only say that it could
not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced that
I should not fear to support a real injury, you shall now see that
I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency: I ask your par-
don. But for this lady, while honored with her approbation, I
will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir Anthony-Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.
Acres - Mind, I give up all my claim- I make no pretensions
to anything in the world; and if I can't get a wife without
fighting for her,- by my valor! I'll live a bachelor.
Sir Lucius-Captain, give me your hand: an affront hand-
somely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady,
if she chooses to deny her own handwriting, here—
-――――
―――
-
-
-
[Takes out letters.
Mrs. Malaprop- Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! - Sir
Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake-perhaps I can illumi-
nate
## p. 13333 (#139) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13333
Sir Lucius - Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you
have no business. Miss Languish, are you my Delia or not?
Lydia - Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with
Captain Absolute. ]
Mrs. Malaprop - Sir Lucius O'Trigger - ungrateful as you
are, I own the soft impeachment-pardon my blushes; I am
Delia.
Sir Lucius- You Delia! -pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. Malaprop-Why, thou barbarous Vandyke! those letters
are mine. When you are more sensible of my benignity, per-
haps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.
Sir Lucius-Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your
condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on
me, I am equally beholden to you. And to show you I am not
ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady
from me I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.
Absolute I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's
my friend Fighting Bob unprovided for.
Sir Lucius-Hah! little Valor-here, will you make your for-
tune?
Acres Odds wrinkles! No. But give me your hand, Sir
Lucius; forget and forgive: but if ever I give you a chance of
pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.
Sir Anthony-Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down: you
are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. Malaprop-O Sir Anthony, men are all barbarians.
-
THE SCANDAL CLASS MEETS
From the School for Scandal'
Scene: A room in Lady Sneerwell's house. Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour,
Crabtree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and Joseph Surface discovered.
ADY SNEER WELL-Nay, positively we will hear it.
