No More Learning

So, matrons, long of skirt and high of brow,
avaunt! There is nothing that concerns you
here. This is the demi-monde with its battles
of love where all is fair. The reader breathes
a sigh of relief; nothing to shock us here, as
in the Amores!
The poet proceeds to a formal division of his
subject-matter: A. How to Find Her; B. How
to Win Her; C. How to Keep Her. Nothing
could be more comprehensive. The first article
can best be followed by an expert in topog-
raphy; for to show just where the willing
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
maiden may be met, Ovid takes us all over
Rome, along colonnades, to the temples, es-
pecially of the Oriental and liberal divinities,
to the ancient forum and the fora lately added,
to the theatre, -- ah, there's fine hunting-
ground!
As ants to grain and bees to flowers hie,
To scenic pictures do our damsels fly.
A double reason brings them:
To see they come, and come they to be seen.
All praise to Romulus, founder of Rome and
first patron of the stage! The poet diverts us
into the tale of the stolen Sabines, so brilliantly
and rapidly told, that, as in a simile of Homer's,
we are transported from the main scene of
action into a different world which is its own
excuse for existence.
You, Romulus, knew how your men to pay.
Grant me such wage and I'll enlist today,
ends the poet. He would have relished the
by-scene of a worthy Sabine house-holder, as
Xavier de Maistre pictures him, who after the
event exclaims in despair: "Dieux immortels!
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
Pourquoi n'ai j' point amene ma femme a la
fete! "9
So much for Where to Find Her. Now, How
to Win Her. Precepts can guide us. As Lu-
cretius based his philosophy of the universe
on axioms, beginning with the law of nihil ex
nihilo, so Ovid starts blithely with a kind of
omnia ex omnibus. For, first and foremost, no
woman is invulnerable; "omnes posse capi. "
Woman seems more modest because man is a
less skilful dissembler.
Were it the mode our fair ones not to woo,
You'd find your fair one would importune you.
Other precepts follow thick and fast. Study
her entourage, her social ego, and make your-
self a favorite with her personnel. Study the
times and seasons, as Hesiod's farmer minded
days as well as works. Intertwined with this
theme is one on the art of giving, that is, of
giving as little as possible. Her birthday is an
unlucky time for a visit; choose a day of Na-
tional Mourning, when no games are going on.
Ah me, that's something hard to find. Some
girls contrive to have a year of birthdays. Pave
the way with a letter in the proper style. A
liberal education is of some use after all; it
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
teaches the art of persuasion. But do not treat
your mistress to an oration. Avoid big words;
be vivid, dramatic, convincing. If she makes
no answer, try again. All things come in time.
Penelope's own self in time you'll win!
Troy long resisted, but at last gave in.
Penelope seems an inappropriate example. Was
she not a matron? The poet seems to have for-
gotten the subject of this work. He hastens to
give more precepts. Learn how to dance at-
tendance on her; learn how to dress. Cultivate
simplicity and a certain sweet disorder which
maidens like. But do not be too Bohemian;
trim your nails and forget not to shave. Do
not wear sloppy sandals and keep your toga
free from spots.
The temperance question! Learn to drink
with art. This is a rich subject, in which vari-
ous precepts are involved, as in the interweav-
ing of the themes of a symphony. It needs an
invocation to Bacchus, and the rehearsal of his
wooing of Ariadne, a rollicking tale, with rol-
licking verse to describe the manly attempts
of the drunken Silenus to keep pace with the
Maenads, -- at last he falls off his donkey.
The god drives up in his tiger-cart to comfort
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
the heroine, and courteously descends, lest the
tigers frighten her, -- courtesy is a golden
maxim for Ovid's gallant. The moral is: use
the god's gift of wine to win your Ariadne, but
do not let it go to your head. Write messages
on the table in wine for her to see, and look
unspeakable things at her. Display the utmost
courtesy to the husband, -- is it husband? Vir
is the word; perhaps it merely means lover;
the situation is getting a bit confused. At any
rate, give him the first chance at the bowl.
Offer him your wreath of flowers. In the con-
cert of talk, play second fiddle to him. Study
your accomplishments. Sing if you can; if your
arms are graceful, dance eurythmically. Pre-
tended inebriation is a help; you can do things
then for which you seem not responsible. That
is the time to seek her side and lavish compli-
ments however absurd.
She'll swallow all. No girl, however plain,
Dislikes her looks or thinks her beaux insane.
Jean de Meun applied this universal truth to
his town times with a sly satire worthy of his
master. 10
Car il n'est fame, tant soit bone,
Vielle ou jone, mondaine ou none,
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
Ne si religieuse dame,
Tant soit chaste de cors et d'ame,
Se Ven va sa biauti loant,
Qui ne se ddlite en oant.
The precepts on wine and its use in the first
approach to your mistress's favor lead easily
to the next, which prescribes the technique of
promises and false oaths. Perjury is generally
detestable. Religion and its obligations are a
vital need. But when it comes to women, fallite
fallentes; deceive your deceivers; do unto them
\ as they do unto you. Some righteous indigna-
tion is displayed in the treatment of this theme.
Along with oaths and promises, tears will be
found useful, and there are ways of producing
them at will. Kisses are effective; apply them
boldly. Maidens like vigorous action. Do not
wait for them to begin. The poet caps his
argument with a supreme example:
Jove wooed the heroines on bended knee.
No maid corrupted him with amorous plea.
Iuppiter locutus est; causa finita est. The main
argument of the first book is done, but the poet
adds an epilogue. He was about to conclude,
when he bethought him of the diversity of
woman's nature. Doubtless the reader will find
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
that none of the instructions will fit his case.
Some fish are caught with a hook and some
with a drag-net. The lover should always be on
the move, always adaptive, always ready for
the sudden turn.
Act like the nimble Proteus. Turn your coat,
Changing to water, tree, boar, lion or to goat!
The life of the Ovidian lover is a perpetual,
and sometimes humiliating, metamorphosis.
The reader will assume that the argument
of the second book, "How to Keep Her," is
carried out with similar thoroughness. In this
difficult undertaking, the gallant has many
comic parts to play. He must postpone all his
business at his lady's call. If she is in the
country he must speed thither in his fastest
car. If no chariot is his, let him foot it briskly.
No running slave in comedy can be brisker, or
more ludicrous than he. All Rome will see him
carrying her parasol -- a menial task in those
days. He will often have to thread his way on
a pitch-dark night through sudden down-pours,
or sleep on the ice-cold sill. When the front
portal is barred, he will climb up by a window
or steal in at the sky-light.
One consolation there is; this sturdy disci-
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
pline is not for the wealthy lover; he needs it
not. Ovid preaches to the poor. The rich bar-
barian needs no passport; the poet's passport
rarely gets him by the door. There is, to be
sure, a small, very small, coterie of blue-
stockings:
Some girls have culture, but they're mighty few.
Some want to get it, -- or they think they do.
Here is where the poet-lover has a chance, a
slim one, with his
Rimes jolietes,
Motez, fabliaus, ou changonetes. 11
In most houses, however, Homer himself, at-
tended by all nine Muses, will be shown the
door.
For all its naughtiness, the poem is not with-
out its ethical lessons. The poet constructs a
kind of Mirror of the Chivalrous Lover, which
is the counterpart, and in many respects, the
model, of the Mediaeval Knightly Code, as we
see it in the Romance of the Rose. Patience
and courtesy are the cardinal virtues, anger
and pride the deadly sins. The lover should
cultivate a pleasant temper. He must study his
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
lady's desires and fit his mood to hers. Laugh
with her, cry with her, yield to her opinions.
Let her beat at games; escort her to receptions,
whither you may not care to go. Let her man-
age, or think she does. Learn to pay her
compliments with a straight face. Admire her
dresses, each for its own virtue; note the
changes in her art of arranging her hair.
She parts her hair; then praise the comely line.
She crimps it; call those twisted locks divine.
Serve as her doctor when she is ill. Do every-
thing for her, -- except administering the med-
icine; let your rival do that. Give her defects
the names of proximate virtues; say " slender"
for " skinny," " trim" for " puny," " buxom"
for " stout. " It is an easy art, which Plato and
Horace had prescribed before Ovid and the
heroines of Moliere and Congreve practised
after him. Prior sums it up in a neat couplet,
since become a proverb:
Be to her virtues very kind,
Be to her faults a little blind. 12
Finally, -- for Ovid's precepts always are sub-
ject to a sudden turn, -- it may be well to
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
arouse your darling's jealousy and her temper
now and then. Blessings on the amantium irae,
if they all the more endear:
Oh four times blest and blest times infinite
Is he who wounds his love and stirs her spite.
When gossip simmers and she, loath to hear,
Losing all voice and color, faints in fear,
May I be he whose locks she madly tears I
May I be he whose cheek her nail-prints bears!
At whom she looks with tearful little eyes,
Sans whom she cannot live, though hard she tries.
The last book of the poem is the most bril-
liant, if anything can be more brilliant than the
first two; in other words, the poet's climax is
sustained. With a complete volte-face, Ovid
now deserts his sex and instructs the maiden
how to win a lover and how to keep him. He
begins with a "Legend of Good Women," ex-
actly on Chaucer's plan and that of Jean de
Meun before him.
It is accompanied by the
same ruthless exhibition of man's shiftiness
that we saw in the Heroides. "Deceive your
deceivers! " That maxim is passed on, with a
courteous bow, to the fair. Whether Ovid's
precepts are sound is not for a mere man to
judge. On the attractiveness of mourning ap-
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
parel, on the danger of getting mad at cards,
on the use of the mirror as a cure for temper,
on the practice of various modes of hand-writ-
ing for various lovers, on the advisability of
completing one's toilet before leaving the house,
lest, as the poet puts it, "you show yourself
a work of art in the making," -- on these and
many other matters some docta puella should
tell us whether Ovid has hit the mark.
The maidens to whom the poet gives counsel
are, as ever, those of the lower world. He had
intended a brief digression on the way for
wives to elude their shrewd husbands and
wakeful porters. No, no! Rather he had meant
to pass that topic by. But he will add a sug-
gestion for the reform of the home. If the wife
would arouse her husband's love, let her make
love less easy for him. Shut him out! Let him
hear the concierge say gruffly, as he slams the
door in his face, "Non potes! " "No you
don't! " With his sense of adventure spurred,
the master of the house can then climb in at
my Lady's window.
Such is Ovid's Art of Love, being, as a
French critic pithily observes,13 "I'art d'aimer
sans amour," the work of one who can apos-
trophize himself in Chaucer's words:
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
r<
And peynest thee to preyse (Love's) art,
Although thou haddest never part. 14
Ovid's poem is a monument of art, of chis-
elled verses with the sparkle of diamonds. It
is a monument of wit and delicate travesty,
prompted by deviltry and restrained by no re-
luctance to shock. The poet spares none of the
mysteries of sex. He shrinks from nothing. But
it is not prurience or morbidity but audacity
to the point of blasphemy that leads him to
disclose with a reckless frankness what in all
decency should be left unsung. Matrons are
warned off the field, but by irony and innuendo
we are constantly made aware that the world
of intrigue portrayed in the Art of Love differs
not at all from that in the Amores. Nor does
the earlier work fail to contain pieces quite as
impossible for a writer today as the notorious
grand finales in the Art of Love. If writing of
this sort deserved exile, Ovid should have been
banished in his early twenties.
Towards the close of the poem, Ovid illus-
trates the evils of jealousy by the story of
Cephalus and Procris. The young huntsman,
Cephalus, tired after the chase, would rest in
a grove and sing the praise of Aura, the breeze,
who came to refresh him. Procris, minded of
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
Aurora, the Dawn - goddess, who had once
stolen him from her, goes in search of him. He
hears a rustling in the bushes, and thinking
that some creature of the woods is coming
towards him, shoots an arrow thither. He
rushes into the thicket and finds that he has
slain his wife. The story is told in lines of
liquid grace, and an exquisite pathos not far
removed from tragedy. This is the moment of
serious relief in Ovid's dare-devil comedy. It
is his apology, much needed, for his transgres-
sions, proclaimed with clearness for those wha
have ears to hear.
When all is said, the Art of Love cannot
permanently harm a reader who, equipped with
a sense of humor, finds something in the poem
besides a manual of seduction. Landor, in the
imaginary conversation which he devises for
Tibullus and Messala, makes the latter re-
mark:
"Before I left Ovidius -- he read to me the
commencement of some amatory pieces, at
which if I smiled, it was in courtesy, not ap-
probation. "
Really, there is another reason for which Mes-
sala might have smiled.
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
iv. THE REMEDIES OF LOVE
I find the Medicine worse than the Malady.
BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER
Quid faciam? Monitis sum minor ipse meis.
OVID
The gossips at Rome had been busy with
the Art of Love. An apology seemed appro-
priate, and Ovid proceeded cheerfully to re-
cant. He lost no time in so doing. An allusion
to the Parthian expedition as still under way
fixes the date of the Remedia, like that of the
Art of Love, between i b. c. and i a. d. Both
works, therefore, were done within the space
of two years. It is a remarkable achievement,
for though Ovid composed with ease, he must
have spent some time in planning his intri-
cate structures, in elaborating his parodies and
audacities as fast as they occurred to his lively
imagination, and in polishing his first drafts of
verse into the peerless art of its finished form.
The apology, we find somewhat to our sur-
prise, is not to us but to Cupid. Cupid scents
a battle and the poet reassures him that his
object is not to annihilate love, -- in fact he
himself is laboring with a bad attack at the
moment -- but only in case some desperate
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
lover is on the point of suicide, to suggest a
few precepts that may restore his sanity.
Cupid, mollified, puts up his arrows and gives
the work his Imprimatur. So Dr. Ovid, in the
manner of the street-preacher of his day,
gathers youths and maidens about him, to
listen to his message of healing. Come ere it
be too late! Could Phyllis and Dido and even
unhappy Pasiphae have consulted the doctor,
their lives would have been models of felicity
and common sense. Could Helen have come in
time, this same physician would have prevented
the Trojan War! With an invocation to Phoe-
bus the Healer, he writes out his prescriptions.
Begin the cure at once, that is, tomorrow.
Yet even if the disease is well established, call
in the doctor; it may not be too late. Perhaps
he will advise that the fever run its course;
that is well in the more violent cases. Be neither
too fast nor too slow; watch for the psycho-
logical moment! Surely such admonition is
safe, sane and scientific. We are disposed to
trust this expert. Now for the specific cures.
The first and most fatal obstacle to recovery
is too much leisure. So get to work! Go into
politics or law or enlist for service over seas
against the Parthians. Work is the best anti-
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
dote for love. Aegisthus was not wholly to
blame for his offence. He was a slacker, true,
and had not joined the troops, but it was just
because Argos was deserted that he devoted his
attention to Agamemnon's wife; there was
nothing else to do! Perhaps your plan for in-
dustry may look towards the country. How
pleasant to see the cattle winding slowly over
the lea, to see trees laden with fruit and sheep
with wool, and, above all, to set out plants with
your own hands. The poet praises country life,
divina gloria ruris, as enthusiastically as Virgil
does in the Georgics or Horace in his epode,
with the underlying strain of light travesty con-
spicuous in the latter poem. But, our physician
adds, do not get a country-place too near to
Rome. Travel abroad. This is bitter medicine,
but efficacious, and far safer than the magic
potion, which he never recommends. In case
the patient cannot get away from town and
can find no engrossing occupation there, he
should apply a psycho-analytical treatment.
Make a list of your darling's imperfections and
rehearse this catalogue constantly.
The more she grabs, the less she is content.
Good-bye, small home, I cannot pay the rent!
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
She swore me oaths and broke whate'er she swore.
All night I've waited at the fast-barred door.
She's tired of me. With me intrigue were sin;
My vulgar rival, with the cash, gets in!
An advanced form of this method is the oppo-
site of the principle laid down in the Art of
Love that the gallant should rename his mis-
tress's defects as though they were virtues; now
he should rename her virtues as though they
were defects.
To ills deflect her virtues, if you can,
And cheat your judgment by this subtle plan.
Obese the buxom, black the brunette call,
And swear the slender has no flesh at all.
Call pert the maiden who is not straight-laced,
And rustic call her, if, perchance, she's chaste.
Really, this cure is so complex that were the
last line quoted by itself, many an expert might
fancy that it was part of the Art of Love and
not of the Remedies.
Thus far, the lover has directed his main
attention to himself. But he should also study
his mistress and plan a new course of action in
his dealings with her. In brief, make her dis-
play her imperfections. If she has no voice,
urge her to sing. If she is gawky, set her to
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? OVID AND HIS INFLUENCE
dancing. If her speech is distinguished mainly
by bad grammar, engage her in lengthy con-
versations. If her teeth are uncomely, tell her
funny stories; if her eyes tend to be bleary,
move her to weeping by some tragic tale.
Above all, pay an early morning call, before
she has had time to manufacture a complexion
and array herself in her jewels.
By gems we're captured and the dresser's art;
A girl's own person is her smallest part.
If the lover meets with no success in these
and other attempts, some of them pretty des-
perate, let him turn his attention elsewhere.
Let fire drive out fire! If he needs instructions
in selecting a new mistress, the doctor can take
down his standard work on the Art of Love,
temporarily put on the shelf, and refer him to
Part I, Chapter I, on "How to Find Her. "
Fas est et ab hoste doceri! This, then, may be
the best way:
To quench the thirst that hath your stomach fired
Drink from mid-stream until your thirst hath tired.
The poet now comes, with a special invoca-
tion, to the second main division of his rem-
edies. It corresponds to the section on " How
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? THE WORLD OF POETRY
to Keep Her" in the Art of Love. It is now
"How to Keep Her Lost. " Again there are
psychological precepts; again the gallant is in-
structed in the treatment of his former darling.
He should court the crowd, avoid solitude, but
likewise avoid contagious society. Particularly,
he must never protest that all is over. Hate her
not; hate and love are desperately contiguous.
Do not bring suit to recover your presents. Be
well prepared for a sudden meeting with her
again. Wear slouchy clothes. Turn a deaf ear
to her flattery and her tears. Above all, do not
argue with her the justice of your case; do not
give her a chance to argue. Burn her letters
and her pictures; avoid reminiscential scenes.
Lose all your money, if you can. Go not to the
theatre. Read no poetry of the softer sort;
never open your copy of Sappho or Tibullus.
Who can read Gallus and stay cool of heart?
My poems, too, have something of that art!
This were impartiality itself, for the physician
to warn the patient from his publications, --
were there not another class of patients, who
would find something of an advertisement here.
The treatment of your rival is the hardest
part of the cure. Do not think of him, or, if
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