No More Learning

_ Upon a Board that hangs up, you will see a Dog thrusting his
Head into a Porridge-Pot: This is acted to the Life in the Kitchen; and
a Wolf sits at the Bar.

_Con. _ That's an unlucky Sign.

_Pars. _ You may e'en make your best on't.

_Ber. _ What Sort of a Pastor is this? we might be starv'd for him.

_Con. _ If he feeds his Sheep no better than he feeds us, they must needs
be very lean.

_Ber. _ In a difficult Case, we had Need of good Counsel: What shall we
do?

_Con. _ We must set a good Face on't.

_Ber. _ There's little to be gotten by Modesty, in a Case of Necessity.

_Con. _ Very right, St. _Francis_ will be with us.

_Ber. _ Let's try our Fortune then.

_Con. _ We won't stay for our Host's Answer at the Door, but we'll rush
directly into the Stove, and we won't easily be gotten out again.

_Ber. _ O impudent Trick!

_Con. _ This is better than to lie abroad all Night, and be frozen to
Death. In the mean Time, put Bashfulness in your Wallet to Day, and take
it out again to-Morrow.

_Ber. _ Indeed, the Matter requires it.

_Innk. _ What Sort of Animals do I see here?

_Con. _ We are the Servants of God, and the Sons of St. _Francis_, good
Man.

_Innk. _ I don't know what Delight God may take in such Servants; but I
would not have many of them in my House.

_Con. _ Why so?

_Innk. _ Because at Eating and Drinking, you are more than Men; but you
have neither Hands nor Feet to work. Ha, ha! You Sons of St. _Francis_,
you use to tell us in the Pulpit, that he was a pure Batchelor, and has
he got so many Sons?

_Con. _ We are the Children of the Spirit, not of the Flesh.

_Innk. _ A very unhappy Father, for your Mind is the worst Part about
you; but your Bodies are too lusty, and as to that Part of you, it is
better with you, than 'tis for our Interest, who have Wives and
Daughters.

_Con. _ Perhaps you suspect that we are some of those that degenerate
from the Institutions of our Founder; we are strict Observers of them.

_Innk. _ And I'll observe you too, that you don't do me any Damage, for I
have a mortal Aversion for this Sort of Cattle.

_Con. _ Why so, I pray?

_Innk. _ Because you carry Teeth in your Head, but no Money in your
Pocket; and such Sort of Guests are very unwelcome to me.

_Con. _ But we take Pains for you.

_Innk. _ Shall I shew you after what Manner you labour for me?

_Con. _ Do, shew us.

_Innk. _ Look upon that Picture there, just by you, on your left Hand,
there you'll see a Wolf a Preaching, and behind him a Goose, thrusting
her Head out of a Cowl: There again, you'll see a Wolf absolving one at
Confession; but a Piece of a Sheep, hid under his Gown, hangs out. There
you see an Ape in a _Franciscan_'s Habit, he holds forth a Cross in one
Hand, and has the other Hand in the sick Man's Purse.

_Con. _ We don't deny, but sometimes Wolves, Foxes and Apes are cloathed
with this Habit, nay we confess oftentimes that Swine, Dogs, Horses,
Lions and Basilisks are conceal'd under it; but then the same Garment
covers many honest Men. As a Garment makes no Body better, so it makes
no Body worse. It is unjust to judge of a Man by his Cloaths; for if so,
the Garment that you wear sometimes were to be accounted detestable,
because it covers many Thieves, Murderers, Conjurers, and Whoremasters.

_Innk. _ Well, I'll dispense with your Habit, if you'll but pay your
Reckonings.

_Con. _ We'll pray to God for you.

_Innk. _ And I'll pray to God for you, and there's one for t'other.

_Con. _ But there are some Persons that you must not take Money of.

_Innk. _ How comes it that you make a Conscience of touching any?

_Con. _ Because it does not consist with our Profession.

_Innk. _ Nor does it stand with my Profession to entertain Guests for
nothing.

_Con. _ But we are tied up by a Rule not to touch Money.

_Innk. _ And my Rule commands me quite the contrary.

_Con. _ What Rule is yours?

_Innk. _ Read those Verses:

_Guests at this Table, when you've eat while you're able.
Rise not hence before you have first paid your Score. _

_Con. _ We'll be no Charge to you.

_Innk. _ But they that are no Charge to me are no Profit to me neither.

_Con. _ If you do us any good Office here, God will make it up to you
sufficiently.

_Innk. _ But these Words won't keep my Family.

_Con. _ We'll hide ourselves in some Corner of the Stove, and won't be
troublesome to any Body.

_Innk. _ My Stove won't hold such Company.

_Con. _ What, will you thrust us out of Doors then? It may be we shall be
devour'd by Wolves to Night.

_Innk. _ Neither Wolves nor Dogs will prey upon their own Kind.

_Con. _ If you do so you will be more cruel than the _Turks_. Let us be
what we will, we are Men.

_Innk. _ I have lost my Hearing.

_Con. _ You indulge your Corps, and lye naked in a warm Bed behind the
Stove, and will you thrust us out of Doors to be perish'd with Cold, if
the Wolves should not devour us?

_Innk. _ _Adam_ liv'd so in Paradise.

_Con. _ He did so, but then he was innocent.

_Innk. _ And so am I innocent.

_Con. _ Perhaps so, leaving out the first Syllable. But take Care, if you
thrust us out of your Paradise, lest God should not receive you into
his.

_Innk. _ Good Words, I beseech you.

_Wife. _ Prithee, my Dear, make some Amends for all your ill Deeds by
this small Kindness, let them stay in our House to Night: They are good
Men, and thou'lt thrive the better for't.

_Innk. _ Here's a Reconciler for you. I'm afraid you're agreed upon the
Matter. I don't very well like to hear this good Character from a Woman;
Good Men!

_Wife. _ Phoo, there's nothing in it. But think with your self how often
you have offended God with Dicing, Drinking, Brawling, Quarrelling. At
least, make an Atonement for your Sins by this Act of Charity, and don't
thrust these Men out of Doors, whom you would wish to be with you when
you are upon your Death-Bed. You oftentimes harbour Rattles and
Buffoons, and will you thrust these Men out of Doors?

_Innk. _ What does this Petticoat-Preacher do here? Get you in, and mind
your Kitchen.

_Wife. _ Well, so I will.

_Bert. _ The Man softens methinks, and he is taking his Shirt, I hope all
will be well by and by.

_Con. _ And the Servants are laying the Cloth. It is happy for us that no
Guests come, for we should have been sent packing if they had.

_Bert. _ It fell out very happily that we brought a Flaggon of Wine from
the last Town we were at, and a roasted Leg of Lamb, or else, for what
I see here, he would not have given us so much as a Mouthful of Hay.

_Con. _ Now the Servants are set down, let's take Part of the Table with
them, but so that we don't incommode any Body.

_Innk. _ I believe I may put it to your Score, that I have not a Guest to
Day, nor any besides my own Family, and you good-for-nothing ones.

_Con. _ Well, put it up to our Score, if it has not happened to you
often.

_Innk. _ Oftner than I would have it so.

_Con. _ Well, don't be uneasy; Christ lives, and he'll never forsake his
Servants.

_Innk. _ I have heard you are call'd evangelical Men; but the Gospel
forbids carrying about Satchels and Bread, but I see you have great
Sleeves for Wallets, and you don't only carry Bread, but Wine too, and
Flesh also, and that of the best Sort.

_Con. _ Take Part with us, if you please.

_Innk. _ My Wine is Hog-Wash to it.

_Con. _ Eat some of the Flesh, there is more than enough for us.

_Innk. _ O happy Beggars! My Wife has dress'd nothing to Day, but
Coleworts and a little rusty Bacon.

_Con. _ If you please, let us join our Stocks; it is all one to us what
we eat.

_Innk. _ Then why don't you carry with you Coleworts and dead Wine?

_Con. _ Because the People where we din'd to Day would needs force this
upon us.

_Innk. _ Did your Dinner cost you nothing?

_Con. _ No. Nay they thanked us, and when we came away gave us these
Things to carry along with us.

_Innk. _ From whence did you come?

_Con. _ From _Basil. _

_Innk. _ Whoo! what so far?

_Con. _ Yes.

_Innk. _ What Sort of Fellows are you that ramble about thus without
Horses, Money, Servants, Arms, or Provisions?

_Con. _ You see in us some Footsteps of the evangelical Life.

_Innk. _ It seems to me to be the Life of Vagabonds, that stroll about
with Budgets.

_Con. _ Such Vagabonds the Apostles were, and such was the Lord Jesus
himself.

_Innk.
_ Can you tell Fortunes?

_Con. _ Nothing less.

_Innk. _ How do you live then?

_Con. _ By him, who hath promised.

_Innk. _ Who is he?

_Con. _ He that said, _Take no Care, but all Things shall be added unto
you_.

_Innk. _ He did so promise, but it was _to them that seek the Kingdom of
God. _

_Con. _ That we do with all our Might.

_Innk. _ The Apostles were famous for Miracles; they heal'd the Sick, so
that it is no Wonder how they liv'd every where, but you can do no such
Thing.

_Con. _ We could, if we were like the Apostles, and if the Matter
requir'd a Miracle. But Miracles were only given for a Time for the
Conviction of the Unbelieving; there is no Need of any Thing now, but a
religious Life. And it is oftentimes a greater Happiness to be sick than
to be well, and more happy to die than to live.

_Innk. _ What do you do then?

_Con. _ That we can; every Man according to the Talent that God has given
him. We comfort, we exhort, we warn, we reprove, and when Opportunity
offers, sometimes we preach, if we any where find Pastors that are dumb:
And if we find no Opportunity of doing Good, we take Care to do no Body
any Harm, either by our Manners or our Words.

_Innk. _ I wish you would preach for us to Morrow, for it is a Holy-Day.

_Con. _ For what Saint?

_Innk. _ To St. _Antony. _

_Con. _ He was indeed a good Man. But how came he to have a Holiday?

_Innk. _ I'll tell you. This Town abounds with Swine-Herds, by Reason of
a large Wood hard by that produces Plenty of Acorns; and the People have
an Opinion that St. _Antony_ takes Charge of the Hogs, and therefore
they worship him, for Fear he should grow angry, if they neglect him.

_Con. _ I wish they would worship him as they ought to do.

_Innk. _ How's that?

_Con. _ Whosoever imitates the Saints in their Lives, worships as he
ought to do.

_Innk. _ To-morrow the Town will ring again with Drinking and Dancing,
Playing, Scolding and Boxing.

_Con. _ After this Manner the Heathens once worshipped their _Bacchus_.
But I wonder, if this is their Way of worshipping, that St. _Antony_ is
not enraged at this Sort of Men that are more stupid than Hogs
themselves. What Sort of a Pastor have you? A dumb one, or a wicked one?

_Innk. _ What he is to other People, I don't know: But he's a very good
one to me, for he drinks all Day at my House, and no Body brings more
Customers or better, to my great Advantage. And I wonder he is not here
now.

_Con. _ We have found by Experience he is not a very good one for our
Turn.

_Innk. _ What! Did you go to him then?

_Con. _ We intreated him to let us lodge with him, but he chas'd us away
from the Door, as if we had been Wolves, and sent us hither.

_Innk. _ Ha, ha. Now I understand the Matter, he would not come because
he knew you were to be here.

_Con. _ Is he a dumb one?

_Innk. _ A dumb one! There's no Body is more noisy in the Stove, and he
makes the Church ring again. But I never heard him preach. But no Need
of more Words. As far as I understand, he has made you sensible that he
is none of the dumb Ones.

_Con. _ Is he a learned Divine?

_Innk. _ He says he is a very great Scholar; but what he knows is what
he has learned in private Confession, and therefore it is not lawful to
let others know what he knows. What need many Words? I'll tell you in
short; _like People, like Priest_; and _the Dish_, as we say, _wears its
own Cover_.

_Con. _ It may be he will not give a Man Liberty to preach in his Place.

_Innk. _ Yes, I'll undertake he will, but upon this Condition, that you
don't have any Flirts at him, as it is a common Practice for you to do.

_Con. _ They have us'd themselves to an ill Custom that do so. If a
Pastor offends in any Thing, I admonish him privately, the rest is the
Bishop's Business.

_Innk. _ Such Birds seldom fly hither. Indeed you seem to be good Men
yourselves. But, pray, what's the Meaning of this Variety of Habits? For
a great many People take you to be ill Men by your Dress.

_Con. _ Why so?

_Innk. _ I can't tell, except it be that they find a great many of you to
be so.

_Con. _ And many again take us to be holy Men, because we wear this
Habit. They are both in an Error: But they err less that take us to be
good Men by our Habit, than they that take us for base Men.

_Innk. _ Well, so let it be. But what is the Advantage of so many
different Dresses?

_Con. _ What is your Opinion?

_Innk. _ Why I see no Advantage at all, except in Processions, or War.
For in Processions there are carried about various Representations of
Saints, of _Jews_, and Heathens, and we know which is which, by the
different Habits. And in War the Variety of Dress is good, that every
one may know his own Company, and follow his own Colours, so that there
may be no Confusion in the Army.

_Con. _ You say very well: This is a military Garment, one of us follows
one Leader, and another another; but we all fight under one General,
Christ. But in a Garment there are three Things to be consider'd.

_Innk. _ What are they?

_Con. _ Necessity, Use, and Decency. Why do we eat?

_Innk. _ That we mayn't be starv'd with Hunger.

_Con. _ And for the very same Reason we take a Garment that we mayn't be
starv'd with Cold.

_Innk. _ I confess it.

_Con. _ This Garment of mine is better for that than yours. It covers the
Head, Neck, and Shoulders, from whence there is the most Danger. Use
requires various Sorts of Garments. A short Coat for a Horseman, a long
one for one that sits still, a thin one in Summer, a thick one in
Winter. There are some at _Rome_, that change their Cloaths three Times
a Day; in the Morning they take a Coat lin'd with Fur, about Noon they
take a single one, and towards Night one that is a little thicker; but
every one is not furnish'd with this Variety; therefore this Garment of
ours is contriv'd so, that this one will serve for various Uses.

_Innk. _ How is that?

_Con. _ If the North Wind blow, or the Sun shines hot, we put on our
Cowl; if the Heat is troublesome, we let it down behind. If we are to
sit still, we let down our Garment about our Heels, if we are to walk,
we hold or tuck it up.

_Innk. _ He was no Fool, whosoever he was, that contriv'd it.

_Con. _ And it is the chief Thing in living happily, for a Man to
accustom himself to be content with a few Things: For if once we begin
to indulge ourselves with Delicacies and Sensualities, there will be no
End; and there is no one Garment could be invented, that could answer so
many Purposes.

_Innk. _ I allow that.

_Con. _ Now let us consider the Decency of it: Pray tell me honestly, if
you should put on your Wife's Cloaths, would not every one say that you
acted indecently?

_Innk. _ They would say I was mad.

_Con. _ And what would you say, if she should put on your Cloaths?

_Innk. _ I should not say much perhaps, but I should cudgel her
handsomly.

_Con. _ But then, how does it signify nothing what Garment any one
wears?

_Innk. _ O yes, in this Case it is very material.

_Con. _ Nor is that strange; for the Laws of the very Pagans inflict a
Punishment on either Man or Woman, that shall wear the Cloaths of a
different Sex.

_Innk. _ And they are in the Right for it.

_Con. _ But, come on. What if an old Man of fourscore should dress
himself like a Boy of fifteen; or if a young Man dress himself like an
old Man, would not every one say he ought to be bang'd for it? Or if an
old Woman should attire herself like a young Girl, and the contrary?

_Innk. _ No doubt.

_Con. _ In like Manner, if a Lay-Man should wear a Priest's Habit, and a
Priest a Lay-Man's.

_Innk. _ They would both act unbecomingly.

_Con. _ What if a private Man should put on the Habit of a Prince, or an
inferior Clergy-Man that of a Bishop? Would he act unhandsomely or no?

_Innk. _ Certainly he would.

_Con. _ What if a Citizen should dress himself like a Soldier, with a
Feather in his Cap, and other Accoutrements of a hectoring Soldier?

_Innk. _ He would be laugh'd at.

_Con. _ What if any _English_ Ensign should carry a white Cross in his
Colours, a _Swiss_ a red one, a _French_ Man a black one?

_Innk. _ He would act impudently.

_Con. _ Why then do you wonder so much at our Habit?

_Innk. _ I know the Difference between a private Man and a Prince,
between a Man and a Woman; but I don't understand the Difference between
a Monk and no Monk.

_Con. _ What Difference is there between a poor Man and a rich Man?

_Innk. _ Fortune.

_Con. _ And yet it would be unbecoming a poor Man to imitate a rich Man
in his Dress.

_Innk. _ Very true, as rich Men go now a-Days.

_Con. _ What Difference is there between a Fool and a wise Man?

_Innk. _ Something more than there is between a rich Man and a poor Man.

_Con. _ Are not Fools dress'd up in a different Manner from wise Men?

_Innk. _ I can't tell how well it becomes you, but your Habit does not
differ much from theirs, if it had but Ears and Bells.

_Con. _ These indeed are wanting, and we are the Fools of this World, if
we really are what we pretend to be.